I'm I'm getting the video tonight at the
local bar for one local bars here that
um I'm getting video out where I'm a
little more socially accepted for being
genderqueer out of the closet wearing
glam making an address and skirt and you
know anything that in my household is
completely stigmatized and I'm beaten
down for in my household for wearing my
birthday this year back in January I was
in a glamorous at tired definitely I was
in a dress and all this type of stuff I
was beat down my birthday in January so
at this point it wasn't just this
January it was also the January before
my birthday the year before that I also
I nearly got beaten I was definitely
chased around the house I had video
footage of that on my channel so all
this violence that happened to me and
it's been happening years so those were
two that were like really crazy events
that happened around like the weekend of
my birthday essentially and so I at this
point I'm not even celebrating my
January birthdays because they're so
traumatizing I have nightmares about
those experiences like it's kind of just
awful so you're not really celebrating
those birthdays anymore I'm celebrating
my what I call my bizarro birthday which
is for my bizarro bday I think that has
a better ring to it bizarro bday which
is basically the exact opposite of your
birthday if you have a really bad
birthday sorry like birth I'm like
burping a little bit because I had beer
tonight
if it's drinking $2 PVR's so my bizarro
B days are in July just like six months
after my actual birthday there the
opposite side of the year
or some prank the opposite like of your
birthday is the birthday that you would
have if you were born the opposite end
of the you know the the we love what the
year is I guess so anyway um that's
actually next weekend this is I think
this is July 6 or something anyway I'm
getting the date wrong on that so anyway
um yeah um that'll be like next weekend
or something like that once I actually
think about what when that is but anyway
it's July and mmm just going on here I I
got this video footage to talk in a
setting that is it in my home
environment where obviously at home I
look really distressed I look really
agitated in general from the environment
I can't talk very much on those videos I
harassed in my home environment if they
see that I'm posting video I am
obviously in danger in those situations
all the time and even though there's
been years of that footage it's always
in those situations venting situation or
a situation where I am II posted videos
I've been beyond the point of even a
vague argument they're harassing me and
they're violent to me and they're
dangerous to me all of the family in
that environment is awful so those are
why those videos are in that environment
I rarely turn the video camera on just
to the fact of that
so anyway I'm like rambling a little bit
but I'm in a happier environment I hope
that they can show in this video a
little bit that I'm happier when I'm
visibly out of the closet I mean I was
out of the closet and since 2011
honestly I changed my name to my trans
name years ago and this is 2019 now so
it's been a while if that was just
eleven then it's been a long time now so
basically I should mention anybody like
who's trying to be like really
part of me online videos I really
appreciate it it's really also of you I
genuinely love anyone who supports me in
tears and isn't being condescending and
isn't being like you know an internet
troll to me I appreciate all of that to
anybody who actually cares that's really
great because I'm not you said oh and
I'm always just like I don't know who
cares I don't know who's pretending to
care I don't know these things
especially when you're a total stranger
but doesn't really matter I experience
people everyday who pretend to hear and
they don't that's the problem and our
society is it's so often so I'm doing my
best with that but all in all I wanted
to say in this video if you do care and
you're seeing these videos I would like
I am I want to say this kindly to you
because I really care about you as well
that you are sharing your concern with
me even though I probably don't respond
immediately to relate the comments that
I am on there's so much stress in my
environment from the psoriasis I'm doing
was it's like really bad so anything
that I'm reading comments ninety-nine
percent of time it's a harassing person
and it's really not exaggerating to say
that it's almost every time I look at my
phone I see a comment that is so
condescending and so conceited and I
don't know what those people realize I'm
screenshotting those because it's so bad
I don't know why do people give me
terrible comments well it's very much
the culture of let's belittle this
person until they're the way we want
them to be which is basically you know
you belong back and either you know a
suit or you know back in the blue jeans
you were wearing when you like didn't
dare to invest the money were starving
to save up to invest in the high fashion
so all of that like those all those
factors involved it's hard for me to
read comments but I do notice there are
comments are people who care
I want to say for those of you who like
I say this to everyone but I really
appreciate those of you who who reach
out and I want to say that um I hope
everybody watching these videos whoever
you are I mean I would I would like to
not be referred to by the name that my
family calls me when you see these
videos a name that they call me in the
videos that has everything to do with
their transphobia as I know very well
what my trans name is I know it much
well they've known it since the point in
time that I changed my name in 2011 or
the song social level I was chosen 11
they known at that long of a time and
they don't care like there's not any of
that concern so they keep calling me by
the name that you hear in the videos if
that's not my identity and that's not
anything I've gone by from most of
basically I would say most of the past
ten years so but I also kind of want to
protect my trans identity so I'm not
gonna mention that in this video because
I'm getting harassed a lot so I don't
know I'm doing my best and if you care
about me that's really awesome I would
ask if you're going to reference me in
any way and we use the the name and this
is the only one thing I could think of
that would reference me specifically
that wouldn't specifically also be my
trans name that I'm trying to be a
little bit private eye on some level
anyway I yes I I would ask that you use
the name cipher which is kind of a
gender-neutral name because you know it
sounds like it's an unusual sounding
name it's not specific to a gender and
it's also another word for zero so Mike
can I ask I'm asking you kindly if you
will to reference me not as my Bourne
name
that my family calls me to do can you or
like they use when they are harassing me
for the most part in those videos can
you please use the name cipher which
would be like is you know the word
cipher is similar to zero I guess I
prefer cipher with a C that is a little
bit helpful because it's neither my
Bourne name that's not my name that I
use socially when I'm out in an
environment here's a fun environment
where I'm around people it's kind of
difficult because if they happen to know
about the videos they can harass me for
the same reasons and I'm not you know
someone who can just fix my situation
I'm going home where I'm getting beat
anyway so if my family happens to know
about these videos it's dangerous so I'm
trying to get out of that situation
right away if I can't or as close as I
can and as a difficult situation it's a
different a difficult environment I also
wanted to mention the words new boot
goofin to the producer who contacted me
recently who specified that they were
sent to me by a celebrity and a text
message and I'm just mentioning this I'm
a little bit less agitated looking in my
video here where I'm in a social
environment so I'm like I don't want to
be in a video being negative sounding if
I'm addressing that person if they are
legit person who cares I don't know if
that's an internet troll or not but I'm
doing my best in that situation why okay
if this is a producer that happens to be
associated with I even feel bad saying
Chris ehh okay feel bad I don't know if
she's associated this person I'm not a
ver my information maybe it has some
notes are if it's a legit person from
Christina Ricci who's reaching out to me
I want to say thank you for reaching out
to me I
and sincerely grateful to you I am
sincerely and I'm a lot added loss of
words frankly because I did not expect
anything at all and if this is like
honestly a reach out from from people
who are higher up in their industries
that I told her on working my way up to
be able to be in fashion and the film
industry at least on whatever level I
can operate on while I've been
struggling I've been a filmmaker for
many years now I filmed musicians so
much and I'm interested in the movies of
so many different types that I'm
especially I've been especially focused
creatively speaking on the the genera of
parody about gay people and trans people
the entire spectrum a little lbgtq plus
you know every everyone along the
spectrum is part of my interest as far
as my creativity is concerned all that
involves you know the rainbow flag
everything and I describe myself through
scenarios she has a bit of a rainbow
gulf and I think that she's most likely
reaching out to me this way and she's
reached out to me already in her own way
and that's great of her and I really
appreciate it
so if this is all connected to her
that's incredible either way whatever
the situation is with the producer
contacting me I really appreciate it and
this weekend I decided to get some more
video of just talking about that
situations I don't know what best way to
do that but it's a lot better for me to
talk in a restroom right now where I am
at a local bar then to talk in my house
because it is so dangerous in that
situation I'm doing my best get out of
there but they will not pay me minimum
wage and that is such a mess and such a
disaster I barely live well in on that
so I even living on a meal a day and
that's all it is and then I come
to the bar and you know I buy $2 beers
that's what I'm doing and that on the
weekends is a buy two dollar beers at
local bars of our hopefully don't have
to pay cover charge because I don't have
much money on me so that's the best I'm
doing and I wear this makeup I can
barely afford I wear this fashion that
I've invested the past several years
while living on savings
so anyway I'm doing my best also I
didn't shave but I was going to shave
tonight I didn't because it's Frida
Kahlo's birthday this weekend so I was
like well in celebration of Frida Kahlo
she's kind of like a champion of
genderqueer people being one of the only
models of any kind in the 20th century
who had facial hair as a woman and I
love her so much for it so I'm just I
decided okay it's Frida calles birthday
this weekend and I love her I decided
and not to shave at all even though I
shaved yesterday technically this is all
five o'clock shadow from yesterday so
I'm just posting this video in honor of
well of course in honor of her and also
the honor of the people reaching out to
me if they are genuinely monitoring
what's going on in this situation in my
own life I'm trying to get out of there
but it's difficult and literally on
savings that are apparently anything
it's far below minimum wage to just be
honest and if christine ricci is
watching me and caring about me and like
really looking at my situation with all
that information that I posted or to say
I am I don't know there's cards I
appreciate her so much because she's
beyond anyone I can imagine and the fact
that she would care at all not on a
personal level is beyond anything it's
incredible