I think you should worship the Chaos gods. They will grant you powers and pleasures beyond mortal imagining.

Poison their fettuccine.

Find the Marios' house, and blow it up with them in it while they're asleep.

Seriously, you're a villain. Play dirty. REAL dirty.

Have you tried using quantum physics to make a neutrino-discumbulator?

Ok. Stop for a second and think about it. What has been the conection between all of these attempts?

Violence.

Thats right. You can't beat Mario and Luigi and take over mushroom kingdom through Violence. So it's time to turn to Politics.

>>9442485

THIS.

Look, Bowser, you're great and all, but have you ever thought of using guns that shoot bullets that move faster than the speed of smell?

MOAR SHUFFLING SIDEWAYS SLOWLY!!!

MOAR SLOW MOVING BULLETS WITH ANGRY FACES!!!!!

>>9442543

Agreed. Go for economic war and cut down their ressources. Only after one became a transvestite prostitute and the other a drunk hobo will you invade to get their kingdom up from their economical ashes.
Then, rape.

Invite him over for a rousing game of tennis.

>>9442543
I second this. Since you have been beaten by a plumber EVERY damn time, the universe must have it in for you. Beat them at politics and if Mario tried to intervene, have him dragged away by Mushroom Kingdom authorities for malpractice (Dr. Mario my ass...) for the duration of the voting period. Win over the hearts of Mushroom kingdom and become king by actually supplying cake.

>>9442543
If M&L: Bowser's Inside Story is anything to go by, Bowser simply doesn't have the patience to deal with politics. A cold war, MAYBE, but debating on the steps of the senate ain't his strong point.

Challenge them to a go-kart race.

Race him in go-karts!

>>9442465

Chaos Undivided is your only hope. Worship the ruinous powers, and let the taint of Chaos infuse you. Power then shall be granted.

Drawfags! I want a pic of Chaos Bowser now! And not that realistic one!

>>9442594
The Mushroom Kingdom's economy is already garbage, if the MK's exchange rate with the Beanbean Kingdom coin is any indication. Won't do much.

>>9442633
There ain't no elections in a monarchy, numbnuts!

Kill Peach.

No no no. Don't worship chaos. You'll just end up being just like failbaddon except with arms. Although you might lose them shortly.

Give up and become good guy.

>>9442587
Anyone has that comic, please?

>>9442666

Notice the 666 on my post. The ruinous powers of Chaos have claimed me as their prophet!

MY DAEMONHOOD IS SOON NIGH!

Just make a reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaly big moat of lava around the castle, and no platforms to jump from one to the other. Lots of spinning fireball ropes and invisible cubes. Every walkable space is filled entirely with your minions.

>>9442709
666 is the numerical designation of the chapter known as the Grey Knights.


Yep.

You make a better protagonist anyway, pudgy.

BLECK!

Stars.

All you need to do is hide Stars everywhere. Mario and Luigi love collecting stars, more than they even love rescuing damsels in distress. You need to get exactly one hundred of them. Exactly.

Place ninety-nine of them across a huge area, hidden in trees, at the tops of mountains, in treasure chests at the bottom of lakes, in the bellies of giant eels. Places where the plumbers can and will get them.

But the last star, that one is special.

Place it near your lair in plain sight, so that they can't rescue the princess without seeing it. And make it utterly, completely impossible to get. Can't fly there, wind currents through you off. Can't jump there, no leverage. Have a bunch of random tools (a springboard here, a fire flower there, a pulley system or two) scattered about, things that make them THINK they can get the star, but never work.

Then go about your business and watch them scramble for hours and hours and hours after that star, flailing about for a reward they will never get. And flail they will, because with those 99 stars just begging for the final 100th to be earned, they'll forget all about the princess, heeding the star's siren song.

>>9442677
From what I guess, the Mushroom Kingdom's income is trade and tourism. The saying "All roads lead to Rome" applies here. The MK is supposed to be the culture and trade capital of the world. Take from that what you will. As for the Mushroom/Beanbean exchange rate, I can't explain that one. Fucking beans.

>>9442679
Last we checked, that's one of the LAST things Bowser wants to do. Unless some game comes along in the future and Peach actually is killed, we'll assume for the sake of argument that he wants her alive. Maybe it's a power play, maybe he's still in love. Honestly, no one's really sure anymore.

You just need faster minions. An army of turtles with slowly gliding cannonballs backed up by stationary carnivorous plants is hardly a blitzkrieg.
Try installing engines under the shells, like in the old Warner brothers cartoons where the turtle had to race Bugs Bunny.I mean, think about that for a second, that turtle BEAT BUGS BUNNY.
BUGS FUCKING BUNNY.
Maybe hire that turtle as your general .

>>9442730

Precisely. They shall need them for when I ascend.

Bowser. Convert.

>>9442709
6 is the number of Slaanesh.
you are confirmed for triple penetration.
Another hole must be ....constructed.

I think it's time to go scorched-earth. You gave it a good run, but it's pretty clear that if you leave any functioning infrastructure at all, it gives the Brothers Mario enough room to do their guerrilla insurgency thing.

Get yourself a Warp Pipe, stick one end on your airship and the other at the bottom of the ocean, and turn the entire Mushroom Kingdom into a water level.

Wait for everyone to drown, then send in the turtles, ghosts, skeletons and robots to salvage anything worth saving, and call it a day.

>>9442735
Won't work. They never end up needing ALL the stars to save the princess. Sometimes they can't even GET all the stars without saving the princess (see: purple coins). Soon as they trash Bowser, they'll stumble upon a cannon or some bullshit and blast their way through, guaranteed.

The real secret is this: reconnaissance. You've done a sloppy job, Bowser ol' boy, leaving all those boxes brimming with goodies around: mushrooms, fire flowers, starmen, you name it. You've got a huge stonking army; have them ravage the land for items BEFORE kidnapping the princess. The Mario Bros. won't know what hit them.

More spikes and lava couldn't hurt either.

>>9442793

By the will of Slaanesh.

Here's what you do.

Build a machine. A big machine with a chair that you can strap people into.

Get this--the machine lets you DE-EVOLVE people. Yeah. It's that FUCKING BADASS.

Then you DE-EVOLVE people into stupider, bigger meaty versions of themselves and make them obey you. Give them flamethrowers.

Oh, and there's this meteorite, right? The one that split your world apart from the one those FILTHY MAMMALS have taken over. You use the last piece of that meteorite to MERGE THE DIMENSIONS. That's right, MERGE THOSE FUCKERS. Then when you've merged, all of your DE-EVOLVED MINIONS will have hand-held DE-EVOLUTION GUNS and turn those pesky plumbers into MOKNEYS! HA! That'll show 'em!

Oh, and use the stompers.

Granted, each brother by himself is a one-man wrecking crew, but when they're together, it gets ludicrous. You have to separate them somehow away from the Mushroom Kingdom so you can waltz in unimpeded.

Take from them their damsels. Yes, both of them.

Mario and Peach is already stupidly obvious, but some people are only now realizing the relationship between Luigi and that princess from Sarasaland, Daisy. Kidnapping is one of the few things you're good at, so kidnap both of them at the same time. Don't keep them together; in fact, take them in opposite directions, and force the brothers to split up to go after their respective damsel.

Keep them both on a wild goose chase long enough for you to plop your fat ass on the throne and claim the Mushroom Kingdom as your own.

As for keeping the kingdom, well, I haven't thought that far.

Clearly, it must be minigames!

Have you considered shaming Mario into submission by defeating him in sporting rituals? Perhaps contests of speed using moterized vehicles? Or maybe a series of matches involving several of the various rules for ball games across the world? Even the leisure of board games would work fine.

Defeat his morale, and he will be no more. You must first crush him in spirit, and to do that, you will need to defeat him upon another battlefield! Let the minigames pave your way to victory!

>>9442912
History has shown when the Mario Brothers leave the MK, Wario takes over.

>>9442912
Luigi barely pitches in anymore, who cares about him?

How hard is it to breed more of these guys? Make as many of them as you can, trust me.

>>9442912
Hey, hasn't Mr. Bowser used transformation magic before, to make Goombas and Troopas look like him? Why not have, say... 120 minions, all disguised as Peach and Daisy, all at the ends of castles, and all waiting for the plumbers to show up so they can catch them unawares?

And the best part is, any of them that get defeated would have standing orders for their last words to be, "Thank you, Mario, but your princess is in ANOTHER CASTLE!"

>>9442957
Even better!

Use ventriloquism magic to make Peach say "I'm sorry, your princess is in another castle", with the added effect that transforms her into a Toadstool.

Mario will promptly leave her behind in outrage and keep searching. This saddens the princess greatly, with only the concerned shoulder of dear old Bowser to cry on for comfort. And thus the road to victory is forged, for Mario will continue the hunt while the real princess is left behind and the throne left vacant!

Maybe if you gave into our union demands instead of working with the lowest bidder we'd help you out again. Good luck conquering anything with Goombas, bitchtits!

>>9442953
See, THIS is the attitude that fucks you in the ass with a million dongs at the end of the day. Never, never, never, never, NEVER underestimate the brothers, even the green one. History has shown that once Luigi gets his ass in gear, he's just as monstrous as his older brother. He pitches in plenty, for the record. Even if Mario is soaring among the galaxies, they're both still blood brothers who live in the same house at the end of the day.

Also, make more Chain Chomps? Make more of a wild monster that is pinned in place at a post and can't escape otherwise? A monster that can easily be jumped over? What are you, high?

1) Transform a goomba to look like peach
2) When Mario comes to collect her, have the goomba bang mario
3) Peach watches behind a magic'd mirror to have said goomba look like Daisy from the reversed side.
4)???
5) Profit!

Bob-ombs. LOTS of them.

Hammer bros.

>>9443009
Like Shy Guys are more menacing than any other of Bowser's soldiers. They act like children at times, and you could even stand on their head for the longest time and they'd be none the wiser.

in b4 that copypasta about how mario is a cuckold.

>>9443181
Take a closer look, wiseass. Anything look shy about me?

>>9443200

Oh, do share, please.

/thread

>>9443211
You still wear a mask, fucknugget.
Pic related. Phanto was scarier than you.

>>9443250
Too bad he was just a fucking dream, huh?

Oh, I know! Let's trick Mario into showing up naked on exam day. And then maybe we can throw some goddamn vegetables at him. That'll burst his balls but good, bow howdy!

>>9442465
Look, dude, there's only one thing you need. And it's abso-fucking-lutely guaranteed to work.

Warp pipe.

Pit full of lava.

That's it, baby.

On a related note, I wonder how many people remember this.

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Super_Mario_RPG

It's the old Mario homebrew /tg/ was working on years ago. I wonder if there's still interest in the project. I'd personally like to see it come to fruition, but I don't know where the initial brainstormers and developers went.

>>9443316
You, sir, can fuck right off a waterfall.

The real problem is that Mario can gather a nearly infinite number of lives, so that he can afford to trial-and-error his way through all your traps.

You need to figure out a way to drain these lives at a fast rate, or figure out how to do this yourself. Once you can match him life for you life you win.

Perhaps he needs some help from a certain foreigner!

He did wonders for JAPAN, maybe he could have some "fun" in the mushroom kingdom?

Pic Related.

>>9443339
I remember Count Neckbleck talking about it back then, discussion as to whether the game would be grid-based or narrative in its combat. The basic system was hashed out, but there wasn't even any alpha testing. If it did get finished, it'd be something for silly fun, which is the idea, more or less.

>>9443541
Rance already has a mushroom of his own and Peach hasn't given it up for anybody, ever. I don't think it's his kinda place, unless he wants to bang Goombette.

>>9443644
Of course, maybe that ain't such a bad idea.

Make water stage, fill it with these fuckers.

>>9443644
Or ghosts, if he's into that sort of thing.

>>9443644

fuck yeah, goombella.

I think you should challenge everyone to a grand go-kart race, then the winner gets a trophy.

>>9443693
>Boy George - The Crying Game.mp3

A: stop kidnapping peach.
B: Stop Making airships, that's stupid, this isn't a final fantasy game
C: You're a turtle, get in the fucking water and quit breathing fire
D: Work the system, ban greasy italians from the nation
E: If none of these work out, try those mushrooms they keep eating, apparently you can practically die and still be fine. (also, eat the flowers, and jump into stars, wear raccoon suits and occasionally have a brother)

Bowser, you're not fooling anybody. Everyone knows Peach comes over to your castle and fools around with you on purpose. She loves turtle dick (seriously, we know how big those things get, DAYUM).

Things are the way they are because the Bros. heavily overeat said fettuccine, and these 'adventures' to 'rescue the princess' are the only surefire way to make sure they don't get so fat that they die from a coronary. It's a covert exercise program (which, btw, they'd never agree to if they knew about it). I mean, do you know what 'shrooms do to your metabolism? Let's not even consider 'fire flowers'.

No, Bowser, we know better. You're a level 20+ sorcerer who could probably petrify every resident of that shithole with a handwave. You're doin' things this way for the poon. It's all for that capricious, conniving bitch who doesn't want to be stuck on the throne all day listening to 'mamma mia' and 'okie dokie.'

Princess Peach is the real villain, here. As long as the Bros. look good, though, she can continue leading her kingdom into trouble for another day and not be deposed for it. You're just...enabling her.

So, I think we know what you really need to do: don't let Peach come over to your playboy castle anymore. Once that tart stops getting nookie from you, everything's just gonna fall apart.

>>9443767

god dammit, why is peach so hot in that damn outfit?

Fuck.

>>9442465
U need to go to /v/ and ask there.

Going by Bowser's Inside Story, Bowser isn't the best at small-talk or cunning, but holy shit can he get scary when he puts effort into things. If the bros didn't have Starlow to bail their ass out, Bowser would have whooped them six ways to Beanbean Kingdom. Of course, lack of intelligence never stopped people from conquering. Look how well Fawful did. He got Bowser's and Peach's castles.

>>9443920
That's because Fawful has an odd charisma to him. That and mind control.

>>9443951

Bowser + Fawful team = win?

>>9443865
Because Evil Peach is hotter.

Anyway. Bowser. Buddy. You are CRAP in a straight up fight. Sure you're strong, but you're overweight, unwieldy, clumsy, and completely outmatched (by a fat Italian plumber, God help you). Have you considered a diet and a martial arts class? Judo would really play to your strengths and maybe scrape the edges off your weaknesses. Or -and don't get pissed at me for suggesting this heresy- maybe lose the shell? I mean, do you need it? It doesn't prevent anybody from hopping onto that giant red target of a head of yours - maybe give it a toss and see how you do without it?

>>9443960

They'd constantly try to upstage each other, and hate each other's guts.

>>9443963

Fuck that. When you see Mario jump at you, utilize those goddamn spikes and CROUCH YOU FAT LARD! You know how sensitive Mario's hitbox is, you don't even need to duck all the way.

>>9443963
Bowser's got spikes on that bitch. The brothers Mario love to jump. No way is he giving that up, assuming he's smart enough to use it.

>>9443960
If all previous games are anything to go by, Bowser would indeed sooner work with Mario than any other would-be overlord. He's a very proud fellow and is very defensive of his position as sworn arch-rival of the Marios. Anyone else he sees getting in on the world domination schtick is competition, and the last thing Bowser wants to see is someone doing his job better than him.

It's one of his more famous lines, I think, along the lines of this: "Nobody, and I mean nobody, gets to kidnap the princess EXCEPT ME!"
"Kidnap the princess" is interchangeable with "fight/stomp the Mario Bros."

Oh cheer up, Bowser. It can't be -that- bad.

They let you go karting with them all the time!
And remember that one time you teamed up with them? They gave you shiny new spiked armbands and everything.

you just need to learn how to design a proper castle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C1BSbq5aB0

HAHAHAHAHA.

Why is it funny that a fire breathing lizard with muscles larger than my dead mother's ulcers have a hard time killing a 5' 1" and 5' 11" Italian Plumbers?
You see, Bowser, they're Italian, they can't win anything. You ever hear of an war that was in favor of the Italians?

I've got a plan for you Bowser, and it's a good one.

Wanna hear it?

Bowser, youse a bustah.

Perhaps, Bowser, it is time for a good hard look at yourself. As a villain.

Keeping with your trend of what appears to be minimal collateral damage and loss of life- when IS the last time you killed anyone, anyway?- you're not going to make any headway. Hell, there are plenty of things more horrible and more ruthless than you out there. You should know- YOU FUCKING FOUGHT THEM ALONGSIDE MARIO.

Remember Smithy? Remember the Dark Star? Remember Bleck? Remember how when you sided with Mario his agility complimented your brawn? Those have been your victories, and in the Smithy incident, you didn't even have it in your heart to lamblast a trooper who deserted you to get better via martial arts. HELL, you encouraged him!

>>9444182
My point is that you don't seem to have the heartlessness needed for a Villain. You seem to make a better antihero or dark hero than you do a terrible force of destruction and sorrow.

As far as we know, you haven't even forced yourself on Peach. That says a lot about you. You want her to choose you, but the sad fact is she's chosen Mario. And yet you seem to want to woo her rather than have her.

Which brings me to what may happen IF you do get nasty. So far the Mario Bros. don't seem to have used anything but bare minimum force- seriously hurt one of the brothers- or Daisy or Peach- and they will drop the nice act and start getting serious. As in, make sure your next defeat is fatal.

This sounds like a lose lose situation, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be.

>>9444100
I'm seriously loling here. Awesome~

Team up with wily?

>>9444262
>You seem to make a better antihero or dark hero than you do a terrible force of destruction and sorrow.
Super Mario Galaxy proves that when Bowser gets serious, he is plenty frightening. Compared to the good Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik, who in every recent game since Sonic Adventure 1 has been upstaged by something or another as a bigger enemy. When Bowser gets on top, you know it.
Pic related. He even sends his own children into battle.

More water levels. I guarantee you those plumber will give up after a few tries.

>>9444262
Become an antihero. Tangle with things morally nastier than yourself. Maybe petition Nintendo to let you be the hero of a game, rather than the villain.

I'm not advocating moralfaggotry here, just common sense- when have you emerged victorious?

When you fought something worse than yourself. Everytime.

I mean, a solo campaign of violence against, say a Dark Star or Cackletta wannabe may be up your alley. You're hella tough, you belch fire, and you have claws.

I mean, look at Wario. When he stopped getting into direct conflict with Mario, that's when he started winning and getting treasure.

If for no one else, do it for your kingdom. Some of your inhabitants may not like warring with the Mushroom kingdom over and over- that gets old, fast.

Peach made her choice, Bowser. Time to stop trying to have what you can't, and move on to greater things.

>>9443339
Honestly, Mario needs to be a Wargame played with minis. Choose either the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser's Invading army, or, for the change of it, The Dream-army of Subcon.

I'm sure there's been threads about something like that as well, am I right?

>>9444493
...Super Bowser World?

While these are all really good suggestions, they'll never work. Because the real problem you face is much bigger than you ever imagined... in a word- plot armor.

The GM is fucking with you. Every time Mario fails, he is either revived or time rolls back a bit to let him try again until he succeeds. It is quite simply predestined he will foil you, and you are destined to fail.

Do you know why? Because your very existence is predicated on eternal struggle. Just as Mario will always succeed, you will never give up. Every time you get to the top, he will foil you. Every time you are foiled, you will rise to the top. Don't you see? You're in a karmic cycle- a great cosmic wheel- from which there will forever be victory and defeat, pain and suffering, from which you can never overcome.

In truth you are really engaged in an existential struggle. You are combating the very meaning of your existence- which is that you are supposed to fail. And your opponent is the universe in which you exist itself- all for the cosmic amusement of an omnipotent GM who will ensure the outcome every time. How do you stop the railroading? How do you end the cycle of defeat?

Simple- and yet so counterintuitive. You must abandon your attachment to your desires. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why you're doing this? Why that princess? Why mushroom kingdom? What happiness has it ever brought you? Step back- and realize you do not have to participate in the struggle that has been written for you.

The GM can railroad every last action you take into failure, but he cannot control your actions. Shave your head, memorize sutras, and begin your path to enlightenment- tell Mario you no longer care- and see what happens to your world.

This and this alone is how you may escape fate- how you can win the cosmic struggle. Not by resistance, for resistance against omnipotence is futile, but by taking the action that cannot be defeated.

>>9444528
There have. They are awesome. Go take a gander at /tg/'s 4chanarchive page.

>>9444684
Oh god there's so much shit on 4chanarchive I can't find shit

>>9444684
>>9444828
Dumbass. We don't use 4chanarchive (anymore).
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com
That is /tg/'s personal archive. There's a LOT more there than on 4chanarchive.

>>9444865
Still need help in finding Mario Wargame

It's ITT - need rules to help Bowser plan.

Yeah. /tg/ was given its own archive, you don't need to use 4chanarchive

Bowser - master of kidnapping.

Simply kidnap princesses from around the world, and refuse to return them unless those countries attack the mushroom kingdom.

>>9445048
>Yeah. /tg/ was given its own archive, you don't need to use 4chanarchive
>was given
No, fa/tg/uys went and fucking made a better archive, because 4chanarchive is shit.

Poor Bowser. Doomed to fail, every time.

The proper solution? Find where those stupid plumbers came from- and hire yourself some real firepower.

Here's a hint. They're called the Mafia. And they LOVE gold. Those plumbers will be sleeping with the fishes faster than you can say "made man".

I'm kinda proud, kinda disappointed that this thread didn't devolve into Mushroom Kingdom related porn.

>>9448736
How effective are guineas in suits with hand guns against invincible guys shooting fireballs everywhere, blowing up their cars?

http://therewillbebrawl.com/episodes.php

MANDATORY VIEWING!

>>9444669
>>9450998
Bowser becomes a buddist, for reals. Still stays badass. Also Grimdark and Sin City-esque grit