"The gnolls killed my dog
They must PAY"

>>8248910
"Exterminators in the west are chasing me and my pet snake, Sir Biteykins. Find me in the cave with a picture of a kobold hugging a snake with a top hat on the outside!"
Just such a drawing appears in crayon below the request.

"Murderous house cat on the loose, stop it at all costs."

>>8249008
op here I am hand writing all of this so stuff like drawings works too. I feel dumb for not thinking of this.

"Dance Lessons Needed. ASAP!!"

"Wife Kidnapped by Demon Bear. Justice wanted."

"Delivery person(s) needed. Must be discrete."

"Celebration tonight at Thwibble Stonefist's place. Security and Beer needed."

I wanted to bring up a decent ethically-grey quest from Dragon Age Origins. Chop some off of it and make it your own little Frankenstein.
The leader of this mercenary guild is Joe. Joe's son, Grumpy, thinks Joe does a poor job of moving the guild toward more profitable venues, as Joe takes only ethically suitable contracts. Grumpy contacts PCs to kill his father / current status-quo-friendly guild lead, Joe. Very shortly after this, independent of the decision the PCs just made, Joe contacts the PCs to tell them that many mercenaries will die in the attack led by his son. Many more than if you kill his son outright.
So the PCs either take a side or a decent handful of people die. They cannot be persuaded otherwise.
Standard paladin-falls thing, etc.

"Brave adventures should investigate the cave of suffering."

>>8249086
Sorry for double-posting but I just wanted to point out that a dance lesson quest in D&D is something I've never even dreamed of. You are unrelentingly amazing, /tg/.

"LFP 2 kill Kosmach. Healers and tanks needed most. PST."

>>8249168
what I'm trying to do is make a fluff filled notice board kind of thing. this is good but I don't think "kill my father for the greater good." exactly fits.

Ooooooooh boy...:
-Personal Tutors required for young noble woman, must know the sword, ettiquete, magic and other useful skills for a young woman to learn.
-Missing Griffion, please help find.
-Local boy goes missing, heroes required to find him, Mark, if you're reading this, please come home.
-Negotiators required for dealings with local bandits, must bring own weapons.
-PLEASE HELP: Local Orc tribe agrees to intergrate if a local man beats their Cheiftan, Blacktooth Bloodfucker, master Brawler required to train local men. Please inquire within.

>>8249278
>-Personal Tutors required for young noble woman, must know the sword, ettiquete, magic and other useful skills for a young woman to learn.
Watching a group of your average D&D characters try desperatly to teach a young noblewoman ettiquette would be the most amusing shit ever.
"Now you sip the tea li-HOGRTH! STOP THAT!"
"HOGRUTH SMASH PUNY SANDWHICHES!!!"
"Why?!"
"SANDWHICHES HAVE NO MEAT IN THEM GAARGH!"
"That's because they're cucumber. And you eat them like this..."
"...*Hogruth the Black, The Scion of War picks up a Cucumber Sandwhich and raises his little finger, takes a bite and then sips his tea*..."
"That's better...Now...Let's get back to your Dance lessons Medina."
"HOGRUTH FEEL SO DAINTY!!!!!!!"

>Blacktooth Bloodfucker
Name stolen

Bartender job open at the red dragon tavern.

>>8249278
>Personal Tutors required for young noble woman, must know the sword, ettiquete, magic and other useful skills for a young woman to learn.
Wasn't this the plot for Princess Maker 2? ... Best. Quest. Ever.
>Blacktooth Bloodfucker
I'd like to second that stealing.

>>8249278
>Blacktooth Bloodfucker
stolen

"Competent cook needed for discrete client. Must have knowledge of ogre cuisine."

"Get RICH in door-to-door dagger sales. Good commission rates. No prior experience needed. Attend a free session at 147 Bucket Street".

and the ever present:

"NUDE MODELS NEEDED"

>>8249614
Shit, I read that as competent cock.

Dammit, /tg/, you made me gay again.

"WANTED: human cadavers. No questions asked. Freshness preferable, but optional."

Written neatly in cursive: "To whom it may concern: during a recent magical mishap, my spellbook became sapient and took leave of me to find adventure. He who returns it to me undamaged shall be rewarded greatly.
Note also that the book is quite persuasive and an unabashed liar; anything it has to say on the subject of treasonous activities or distasteful sexual practices is a falsehood designed to maintain its own ill-gotten freedom at my expense."

In a barely legible scrawl: "iz need girl troll for matin seezun. no advenchurers. anywun tryin ta skin me iz get skwisht."

"My son has never laid a wench requesting experienced men capable of assisting him on this subject. wenches welcome too. will pay handsomely. "

>>8249187
>sorry for double-posting
>Anonymous

Dude, don't worry about it. We chill as fuck.

"We Buy Shiny Trinkets!"
"WANTED: Dragon scales. Paid on delivery."
"Merchant requires security detail to [city]."

"Looking for experienced adventurers looking to do some retrieval work. Must be Discrete."

With this one have them working for a local black market slaver. Have then capture elves / trolls / Orcs / <Insert least-favorite race here>

>>8248910
'Looking for band of adventurers to retrieve artifact.'

Have this written in one way and then put in different inks a change to 'band' to 'bands' and 'experienced' in front of 'bands.' You get the point.

Also keep increasing the reward.

>>8249891
I like this because the party could get there and not like slave trade and shut down the operation. Also these are really good keep them coming.

"Witch paralyzed me and stole my clothes, please help me get revenge. Will pay upon completion of services rendered."

-Hrothgar the Barbarian

How about this.

KNIFE FIGHT!

SKILLED KNIFE FIGHTER TAKES ALL COMERS

TOMORROW ONLY

YOU WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE
YOU WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

"Are we not we not civilized gentlemen here?
I challenge you to a battle of knifes!" - Neil 'The Knife' Marty

KNIFE FIGHT!

>>8249972

"Sailors needed for an unusual journey. Payment on completion of duties. Contact Captain Breadstone of the fine sloop Protagonist"

"Druids, clerics, holy men and other divine enchanters needed to cure my daughter of a curse. 1000gp for results"

"I dink mah haus iz hanted. Herd me som gosts de oder nite. Box of old crap fer yer trubles"

>>8250047
I like it.

>>8250086
this would be good if i wasn't writing this with a quill pen, and crayons apparently.

"Band of settlers requested to seek out new frontiers, unfortold riches. Contact your local Mountainhome dignitary today! Strike the earth!"

For an extra touch, have a couple fliers have those tabs that you see cut out of the bottom of bulletin board papers in colleges and such that have address and contact info, and if the PCs don't grab it off the prop, they can't locate the quest giver in game.

"Live subjects for experimentation needed. No long-term harm expected."

>>8250132
I got the idea and most of the words from the song 'Knife Fight' by Lemon Demon.

Check it out.

>>8250132
Write it in whatever, just as long as the ink differs from the original message and the "amended" one. The mouse-scribbles are just a concept thing.

"Sparring partner required."

>>8250170
I caught that. stuff that can make my players chuckle when they see it is good. stuff like puns in the quest givers names or just giving them names similar to famous characters.

>>8250002
I like these kinds of quests because you can have additional bulletins following up with that NPC's continued poor lifestyle choices.

Alternatively, a good one with follow ups would be having a small-time businessman struggling against a corrupt competitor using some very underhanded methods, who later rises to becoming a more tyrannical baron.

Oh, D&D...

>>8248910
>Hrothgar Ironcrush

Saw my thread, did you?

>>8250258
very much so.

"MATRIX OF EXPERIENCED ADVENTURING ENTITIES FUNCTIONALLY REQUIRED FOR EXCISION OF ABERRANT CONSTRUCTION. SEND PACKET TO <insert place>"

Quest giver is a cabal of modrons.

Attach a bunch of actual packets containing scraps of paper with binary code to the document.

WORLD'S LARGEST CROSSBOW!

3 MILES SOUTH OF GREYLAKE!

3 COPPER TO SEE, 10 SILVER TO FIRE! MARVEL AT THE ENGINE OF DESTRUCTION WHICH BROUGHT DOWN THE WALLS OF SKELETON KEEP AND ENDED THE EVIL BARON'S LIFE!

The famous Pony Express advertisement is always a good one for adaptation.

"Wanted. Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred."

S - T - O - P - !
How would you like to DRINK for COIN?

Every healthy man needs that certain allure, that animal magnetism, that swagger in his step. Every healthy man needs...

Pirovi Patel's Most Excellent

N A G A H I D E . F I R E B E L L Y . T O N I C S

If you have a true firebelly, the brewmaster Pirovi Patel needs you! Flavour testers possessed of only the choicest palates are needed to introduce the latest and greatest arcane miracle elixirs! Inquire with Josen the Young.

You must make the prop. When the players say that they're going to the tavern, you must wave your hands about the place whilst you describe the place.

"Welcome to the Dragon's Horde. Here, you see many patrons gathered at various tables," gesture to players, "a bard playing a popular local tune," point to music-making device of your choice that's playing Ring Of Fire, "and evidence of a wide selection of drinks and food," wave at the Mountain Dew and snacks.

"In addition, there's a message board with the words 'WANNABE HEROES INQUIRE WITHIN' scrawled above it, evidently by someone who thought they were funny."

Then whip out a massive corkboard and slam it on the table. If you have dust on the aforementioned table, you must kick it up with the force. If you do not, obtain dust and apply liberally.

Basement Infested with rats, need people with swords to come deal with it

"Rat problem below Split Anvil Inn. Contact Barkeep for details." It's a were-rat problem though...

"1st Bank of [insert city name here] requires hardy adventurers to protect caravan to dwarven lands. High risk, high rewards."

Are you indifferent to the world around you?

Do you not care for material possessions?

Does the idea of immortality and unlimited power do nothing for you?

If you're extremely unmotivated, this specialized guard position is for you!

Salary will be 86 or so (insert currency) per week. One year contract minimum.

Hopeless Necromantic seeks dark, slender girl for graveyard romps.

Rats filled with swords, need people with basements to store them in.

cats killed my family pleese help

>>8250371
>>8250401
Ratmind. Moonratmind?

>>8250437
This one trails off into bloody scratchmarks.

The truth is out there! Moon griffons have been desecrating our crops and mutilating our cattle! Keep your eyes on the skies.

>>8250446

first rat mind, making a dig at Oblivion

>>8250414
Must have GSOH and own shovel.

"Need drummer for the upcoming battle of the bards, meet in the basement of the Wooden Bearknight Inn all day Saturday.

- The Thunderbarks"

TOO MANY OWLBEARS.

In really small text:

"If you're close enough to read this, you're already infected. Meet behind the Willow Well at 2 AM for the cure. Bring dead men or gold."

Looking for mercs experienced in non stop traveling and possessing knowledge of bat country.

>>8250601

"Loaf of owlbears terrorizing my daughters, experienced adventurers needed. Will pay in pies."

good good keep them coming. if this goes over well i will definitely invest in some cork board.

>>8250567
"Need special effects artist for the upcoming battle of the bards, meet in the shed next to the Gooseneck Inn all day Saturday.

-Maynd Flair"

>>8250693
I feel bad for not being able to remember the name of that movie.

"the game"

>>8250728
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

>>8250696
Would a loaf made of owlbears be called owlloaf or bearloaf?

Baby lost, seeking many new babies as replacements. Report to the old cottage by Spider Cave.

>>8250780

owlbearload

Troll used my outhouse last week, haven't been able to go near it since. Cleric needed to dispel lingering evil.

>>8250813
I never thought they procreated.

>>8250780

It's a loaf of owlbears. Like a murder of crows or a gaggle of geese.

"Take my wife, please."

"For Sale: One Dagger. Never Used."

"Attention Bards!! My daughter's 16 birthday is coming up and after the travesty that was her 15th, I want to make this one special. Performances must be musical in nature. Clothing REQUIRED!!"

"Exterminators Wanted: The storage room of my tavern seems to have been infested with giant rats. Need them gone before city health inspector shows up this Friday. Willing to pay in beer and use of bar wenches. NO BERSERKERS!"

"Help Wanted: Good with a knife? Enjoy working with your hands? Talented scrimshaw artisans wanted to help cover extra large order. Will be working in Ivory so experienced scrimshaw artisans only. Payment given per piece completed."

"Healer Wanted: Must be discrete. Need to retrieve wife's pet gerbil from....orifice....before she returns this weekend."

"Want to learn Magic!? This Tuesday only, Rodolfo the Magnificent will be at the Bloated Boar Tavern & Inn offering Free Magic Lessons* from 4 to 7 pm.

*Free Magic Lessons only valid with 2 drink minimum."

Miscellaneous magical creatures wanted. Contact Transmuter Kelvin in the Auld Tower. (Instructions to reach tower, couple miles out of town.)
[PS] Live preferred. Will pay half for cadeavers, 1/4th x % of body for individual parts.

MANLY MEN* OF MUSTACHIOED MIGHT AND MASTERY

Is your grizzled facial thicket a steel wool of testosterone, scrubbing the ladies away as dainty elves cry in their soup? Whether you're a sentient beard-golem that has somehow grown a dwarf, or simply a chinless neckbeard, spread true facial hair terror at the 253rd Annual Beard-Off, hosted by "Masticate'" Mastengard Ironson.

BE THERE OR BE BARE!

*Bearded ladies are acceptable. We do not discriminate by sex, merely the nakedness of one's chin.

~ Ragged scrap of paper with nothing but a hand-smear of dark red substance. mysterious.. and somewhat gross.

~ Propaganda/racist slogans scribbled on the cork/on pieces of paper between and behind more legit postings.
"Elves Should Go Back To Their Trees!"
"gOliMs r MAde oF poo"
Beware The Dwarf Menace! What are they hiding with those beards? Join Concerned Townspeople for Public Debate and Lynching"

various xGODx is super awesome, yGODy is super crappy statements, etc. Remember that there are plenty of folks who will use a jobs board to stick up any old trash. Plus, of course, For a good time visit..

Do you lack that "certain something?" Is your performance leaving something to be desired? Custom magical arms and armor to order available at...

Don't be left in the dark when it matters most, put your trust in Harold's House of Hardy Handlanterns!

Punchy Poachers Pilfered Precious Parchment, Prepared Parties Presently in Procurement.

This thread is quality.

>>8250974

That is the manilest way of brushing teeth I have ever seen.

I... I must go and repeat his lessons well!

This is EXACTLY what I need for my group. I love you guys.

"Kender done stole my spell component pouch! Bring him-- alive or dead, doesn't matter-- and the pouch to the eastern tower, for a handsome reward."

>>8249086
>"Wife Kidnapped by Demon Bear. Justice wanted."
lol oglaf much

"Are YOU a male adventurer considered Young for your species? Make extra money as a test subject for Magical Experimentation."

The bottom of the post is the address written a bunch of times horizontally, to be torn off.

"Feemal Trol seecs kumpannyunship. Njoys lnog LONG wauks en kaves, torch litt dinerz, end otherr stuff. NO EDVENCHURURZ"

This thread requires archiving badly.

Concerned mother requires Industry Experts to give adventure-curious son a firm Talking To.

OP here has anyone ever tried something like this before and if so how did it go?

>>8251228
I haven't but I imagine it's like the gates to SandboxLand have swung open and the trumpets are flourishing.

i heart props and little objects. perhaps its an inner larper trying to come out, but lets not examine that to much.

remember also that google is your friend for things like paper-aging recipes or treatments to give pieces different looks.

>>8251192
Another vote for archiving. There is a wealth of material here for interesting 'side-quest' adventures.

"Childless super-genius looking for suitable inheritor to a lifetime of adventuring legacy. Apply in person."

"Wanted: King Orcroaks. Dead. Will pay in better future for kingdom."

"Frogs raining from sky. Everyone complains about the weather, seeking someone to do something about it. Apply to Goatpath village."

Testers required for Experimental Magical Items. Payment commensurate with risk, health benefits include full dental/vision care, physiotherapy, limb reattachment/regeneration, gender re-reassignments, possessive spirit removals(fiendish and/or aberrant), Reanimation and soul reconstruction. Inquire at (directions to tower)

"Young half elf male seeing group of 4 to 6 like minded individuals for Adventure this Saturday Night! Willing to host, provide food, and play music to set the mood if necessary.

Please, no one younger than 16. Must bring own dice."

>>8251253
google is a great place for that. I was actually surprised i couldn't find a generator for this kind of thing.

>>8251287

Seeking^...not seeing.

"My future self has come back in time, he's murdered my wife and has sent me out with a "two day head start" Please help me."

SIEGE ENGINEERS WANTED

Extensive experience with Ballista and Mangolens a plus, but not required. Actual battlefield experience preferred. Knowledge of advanced ballistics desired.

Inquire at the Watch Office, 323 Cobblestone Way.

>>8249706
>>8251171
Knowing the PCs, they'll probably pick these two concerning the trolls, set them up together and pick up an easy reward for both.

>>8250974
WANTED: Hair growing potion. Must work on face in addition to scalp. Payment to be negotiated upon proof of effectiveness.

I'm copying these onto a bunch of post-its and never needing a new adventure hook for years. ARCHIVE THIS NOW.
===

LEARN ORC COOKIN
COME BY OUR PLACE FRIDAY NIGHTS
WASH UP FIRST, NO SOAP!

WANTED- ENGLISH-ORCISH TRANSLATOR

Knowledge of elven and infernal a plus, but not necessary. Must be able to speak the full range of orcish expressions (including body language such as choke-holds and sucker punches.)

Inquire at Smythe's Brothers' Investments, 4462 Mayfair Drive.

"I have lost my diamonds! They must be somewhere around here, I just can't find them! Seeking adventurers to search for them! Will pay in shiny trinkets!"

>>8251228
and even if most of the stuff is filler or nonsense, it gives you a great way to put a fork in the road. "ok, do you guys want to hang around the countryside for a while doing these little quests, or are you going after the Demon Lord" But you don't have to come out and present that as a blatant meta choice.

there is also the puzzle/problem solving aspect.
did they notice that there was a Lot of problems related to owlbears? perhaps there is a common cause (other then owlbears) that they should look at.. like every farmer reporting an owlbear attack lives on the east side of town, if they realize that it means a bonus to finding the den/warren/perch.

or perhaps every other posting is a notice from the mayor/lord about a curfew, or different missing people. Perhaps they should ask the next NPC about this, or go Back and grill someone about why some of these things were not mentioned.

"Dangit jimmy, you just said there was a rumor about a witch or something, but no sooner do we arrive in town then we discover that Every Child has been stolen by dark magics. Thanks a bundle, jimmy.. real helpful.. ass."

HEY!

Do you want to feel SO HEROIC? Try POWERPOTIONS, consumables for people who need GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF HEROISM

With all new flavors, like TITAN'S STRENGTH! Fuck-a-lot power! It's like adding YOU to an ADRENALINE STORM!

Sound the alarm! You're going to get UNCOMFORTABLY HEROIC

What's that? You want mind powers? How about MIND FLAYERS? Made with illithid. REAL ILLITHIDS.

Adventures! ARRRGH

You'll be good at them! They're effects for men! MENEFFECTS!

These aren't your wizard's puns! These are adventurer puns! HEROIC PUNS!

Magic, heroism, magic, heroism, magic effects, turbo effects, power effects, MORE EFFECTS THAN YOUR BODY HAS ROOM FOR

You'll be so awesome, the gods will be all "Slooooow dooooowwwwnnn," and you'll say "FUCK YOU" and kick them in the face with your POTION LEGS

EXPERIENCED WARRIORS NEEDED

To defend my underground keep from TROUBLESOME ADVENTURERS who have made REPEATED ATTEMPTS to burglar my most prized possessions.

TO INQUIRE- walk a mile out of town, stand in a marsh, and mutter "appointment requested." A bugbear pulling a carriage will arrive.

>>8251369
Think about this, when you play with a new group you can reuse them.

>>8251413
>realizing that i used jimmy & dark magic in comment
>jim darkmagic

>>8251421

YOU JUST WON THE MOTHERFUCKING THREAD

>>8251253
Soak a tea bag in water, then run it over paper (not on the ink side) to give is a parchment color. Different teas yield different colors (regular black vs chamomile, for instance). Singe the edge of the paper with a lighter or tear them, to avoid a clean cut effect.

How do I archive a thread?

Currently cursed as being a small child. Seeking antidote. 20% advance payment. Inquire at Stower Mansion.

>>8251413
an excellent point.

"goblinoid army on the move. mercenaries wanted. will pay double."

>>8251484

/tg/ has it's own site for this, suptg. google eet. click "archive" on the left and hunt around for the 'request interface' link. that let's you do it.

100,000 sandwiches needed, freshness not an issue. Bring to civic center for reward.

Butterfly infestation of untold severity. Not sure if serious, consultants needed.

"Require portal opened to fellow researcher's tower. Will pay all ritual costs."

It could be either what it says, or someone trying to trick the PCs into opening a portal to hell.

"Hello! Forgive me, I've never posted anything like this before but groups of Adventures seem to attack my keep fairly regularly, and for no real reason to be honest. Anywho, I find myself in need of maids, butlers, cooks, stewards, and various other support staff to help tidy up the place after these incidents, and also to entertain guests and/or raiding adventuring parties. Wages negotiable depending on previous experience and willingness to work in close proximity of various types of gore. Must not be biased against the dead, undead, recently dead, or soon to be dead. Please apply as soon as possible.

- Drew."

WANT TO MAKE GOLD FAST!?!?!?!

LEARN TO IDENTIFY MAGIC ITEMS IN YOUR OWN HOME

COME TO MANDRAKE'S TOWER AND BECOME AN APPRENTICE TODAY!!!!

FIELD WATCHERS WANTED

Hardy souls with sharp eyes requested to keep watch on cattle herds at night.

REWARD OFFERED for the apprehension of individual(s) behind recent cattle mutilations.

"I was temporarily cursed by some witch and now I have lady bits.

I'm lookin for some spellcaster that knows how to extend curses.

Ask the hot chick by the X."

Use this against a player. Describe the attractive woman first and then have him read the ad.

>>8251549

If I was a player, I'd pluck that off the board, glare over at the DM, and say, very quietly, "If I see a Maid RPG rulebook come out, you have but seconds to live."

>>8251617
I think I have a new Maid setting.

=================
Plate-clad Dark Lord seeks mistress with equally dark and hateful motives. Will only reply to 'Dark Lord Nihilo' in public. Must be comfortable with significant other in obsidian platemail at all hours of day.
---------------------------------
Inquire at Destrado Manor and ask for Milton.
=================

>>8251648

Damn straight you do.

OP- get the Maid RPG PDF and keep it under the table just in case they choose that one.

Also, thread is archived.

>>8251342

Kind of why I posted the second one. There's enough jobs here for a seriously clogged corkboard, so a small reward like that for sharp-eyed players seems like a fun little detail to throw in.

>>8251677
downloading.

>>8251566
HI! UNDEAD BILLY MAYS HERE!
...
AND for a limited time if you buy the PHYLACTERY in the next TWENTY MINUTES you get a STAFF OF WAYWARD GODS for FREE! WHAT A DEAL!

TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES TURTLES

(a map with a swampy area of town highlighted is pinned to a note saying the above in no attempt to stay in any lines, just a page covered with TURTLES)

>>8251735

PESKY ADVENTURERS MAKING IT HARD FOR YOU TO STUDY? YOUR BONES GATHERING DUST AT AN UNCOMFORTABLE RATE?

TRY THE NEW AND IMPROVED WALK-IN ACID SHOWER!

>>8251760
Swamp is actually on the back of a sleeping Half-Earth Elemental Giant Turtle.

"GREG'S LADDERS EVERYTHING MUST GO BLOWOUT PRICES!"

"I will pay top dollar for your ten foot poles. -Jon"

>>8251732

Are you, now? How excellent. In fact, it gives ME some ideas... some possible crossovers I could do in a similar fashion....

Grand Wizard Gastromincon! A thousand potions from a hundred amateur wizards are thrown together in a cauldron and opened to the public? DARE you sample this mystic punch? MARVEL at the effects of residual magical energy! GOLD PRIZES given for anything that furthers the college research programmes!

>>8251549

Man, this would be impossible for me to resist if the DM was even half-assedly good at portraying Drew the Lich.

>Whether you're a sentient beard-golem that has somehow grown a dwarf...
Oh god, that's some genius.

"I prepared Explosive Runes this morning"

LEARN PSIONICS IN YOUR SPARE TIME

>>8251376
Tired of never understanding why exactly the ogre wants to rip your arms off? Or where the orc thinks you should shove your sword?
COMMON TO ORCISH DICTIONARY
COMMUNICATE WITH THEM... IN THEIR LANGUAGE!
- Useful guide to pronunciation helps avoid confusion between "burgkh" (bread) and "bur'kg" (colon)! NEVER BE EMBARRASSED AGAIN!
- Helpful guide to body language! Learn the significance of nose picking, head scratching, vile two-fingered gestures, and more!
- Useful appendix to profanity! Derogatory words make up nearly 30% of orcish speech! YOU CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO KNOW!

Experienced Adventurer Party seeks one more member to overthrow evil tyrant Death Adder!

Contact:
Gillius Thunderhead
Ax Battler
Tyrus Flare

At the Magic Gnome inn.

>>8251812

I could see this turning out to be a big, huge, magically-delayed vat of ipecac.

"Well, well, well! It seems we have a motley crew of adventurers here! Dare you to sample the arcane concoction? Do you have the fortitude and the courage to give it a taste?! You, there! The rough-looking fellow! Why don't you give it a try!"

Followed shortly by:

"Ha ha! The hooliganly gentleman has balls of steel! Let's see him vomit them up."

Time-delay ends. Mass hysteria begins.

SKILLED FIGHTERS NEEDED:

My wife foolishly allowed a gazebo to be built on my land, specifically upon a grassy knoll. It is terrorizing the neighborhood and destroying my property. Need a party of warriors to eliminate it. Archers and rangers need not apply.

>>8251912
"Draknyr has completed his Gazebo of Immovable Rods. All contact lost with the Southern Continent."

"I have recently come into a windfall from a distant relative who is a high-ranking nobleman. Looking to spend new fortune on way to store an absurd amount of pornographic material in as small a volume as possible via physical, metaphysical, technological, divine, or arcane means.
Direct your inquiries to Prince Snaggletooth Fishmonger-Pendragon on Harbor Way."

>>8251912
"That's for the higher-level adventurers. We'd better pass over that one."

>>8251912

A gazebo killed my father.

"Strange bearded elves sighted on my property. Clerics of Moradin and Corellon Larethian sought to make them leave."

>>8251954
Prepare to di-AAAARHG OH GOD OH GOD IT'S GOT ME GAAAAARGH MY LEGS MY FUCKING LEAAAAAARGH KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME NOW!

Never take a job that seems suspicious.

Just a heads up.

>>8251963
>bearded elves
This has to be an illusion.

"Pixie-exterminators sought."

>>8252002
Apprentice Wizard wanted. Must be sexually frustrated.

>>8252012

A simple picture of a bird. Beneath it is written a pair of symbols.

Apprentice enchanter's idea of a jo--

:V

Obligatory.

>>8250567
>>8250708
...Battle of the Bards. YES.

>>8252095

"What an odd thing to post on a message b-"

:V

- Construction of new tavern commences in a fortnight. Strong, able bodied workers needed to raise beams, carry stone. Knowledge of masonry or carpentry a plus, but not required. Ask Thoran Hammerheart for additional details.

- Wanted: Someone with poor sense of smell and strong arms to clean military stables in war quarter. Smell is beginning to attract complaints from nearby barracks.

- Needed! Additional couriers to carry messages from posthouse to town hall. READING MESSAGES IS GROUNDS FOR DISMISSAL, NO EXCEPTIONS.

>>8252008

Clearly, they used this:
>>8251355
in pursuit of this:
>>8250974

"Minions Needed. Contact Dark Lord of Eternal Pain and Damnation Tyler."

"Babysitter wanted. Must like children and be willing to deal with twin 5 year olds with "special needs". Flame resistant a plus."

"Zombies ate my neighbors!! Below is a list of items of mine that they borrowed before their untimely deaths. Please retrieve from their properties asap.

Chisel - Antonicus Dalton
Wheelbarrow - Garl Coinpurse
Shovel - Wyndi Tocol"

Free kittens looking for good home. Alternating gender.

>>8252171
Ah, the poor souls. They'll have to be put out of their misery.

"Sometimes people aren't willing to do what they should and need a little persuasion to do the right thing. I am looking for individuals willing to do what needs to be done to encourage a few people to do what they should have from the start. Show up at the Sunken Snake Inn at an hour til midnight and sit at the corner table alone and order two ales to inquire, if you are right for the job, I will know. If you preform your duties well more jobs may become available to you."

"potion tester needed, five gold a pop."

WANTED
Ragged John
-500 GP reward
For the crimes of assault, loitering, vandalism, and mastication of a holy relic.

(You have to pay 500 GP when you turn him in. This is posted by advocates of the god of justice looking for adventurers who place justice over money.)

- Help needed at hospital: physician skilled in bloodletting, the use of herbs and/or leeches, and other recent advancements in medicine and the balancing of humours.

HELP PLEASE: I need someone to tutor me in the art of scrying! Examinations are coming soon, and my father will not accept failing marks!

>>8252325

"Information Golem Gone Wild: Won't stop spouting useless tibits about places no one cares about. Team needed to assist in dismantling it."

Insulted polymorphed cloud giants linage, need champion for duel.

>>8252323
I read that in a manga....

http://www<dot>officedepot<dot>com/a/products/489955/Quartet-Economy-Corkboard-2-x-3/;js
essionid=0000j932m4g3tFPWMEixu02UCru:13ddq0u44

This stuff is rather pricey.

This reminds me that Craig's list would be a great place to pick up even more stuff to put on the board.

>>8252360
Yeah, but you know it was theft worthy.

>>8252342

Even more hilarious would be that this guy is a writer. He goes on to publish a book on the topic of the ethics of polymorphing, with a section devoted to losing your right to be insulted about anything when you assume a different form.

"If you assholes want to walk around like humans and elves and dwarves without getting harassed for being exceptionally monstrous, that's fine. I don't care. I'm pretty sure no one cares. The problem arises when you do something retarded, like spill a drink on a perfectly innocent guy's shirt, and get called a son of a bitch for it, and THEN you decide to show the world how ricockulously big you really are.

"Bastards."

>>8252369
its not that bad pricewise, and a little bit of thrift seeking in various retailers can probably provide a better price.

its not like the board will get used up.

"Seeking: A rhyme for 'orange.' Will pay handsomely.
-An Enraged Bard"

"I must lose 135 lbs before my wedding in two months! I want to be able to wear my grandfather's tuxedo! Looking for stouthearted adventurer(s) to take me along with them on arduous journeys of invigorating outdoorsmanship!"

Accepting this quest results in an overweight and easily exhausted character joining your party. He tries to fight alongside you, but never hits anything. He gives up and goes home after two or three encounters.

>>8252369
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/search/?query=cork+board

Ikea: $4.99

I love Ikea.

>>8252429
critical success on any roll involving his cowardly abandonment means you inspire the poor fellow, he gets serious about saving the day and improving himself and shapes up into a rather more acceptable individual.

Crit Failure means he dies in the woods after leaving you, authorities are convinced you murdered the poor man, who turns out to be baron's son. entire region puts price on your heads.

>>8252429

I love this idea.

>>8252429

I can imagine this going hilariously with my group.

The fighter maim something and let the fat man handle the rest of it in an attempt to boost self-esteem. The wizard would be raging like a motherfucker that the fat man was slowing them down. The bard would be trying to teach him how to play the violin to help him make the honeymoon better. Both rogues would be attempting to sell him oceanfront property in a landlocked country.

Someone archive this shit

Already on suptg

BRIGANDS
A group of ne'er-do-wells has unlawfully entered my home and absconded with many prized objects d'art. I seek justice! Seek me at the skull-shaped cave 20 miles east.
♥ - Acererak

"It's been so long since I've cleaned out my icebox, I'm afraid the mold has gained sentience. Seeking a band of sellswords to slay it."

Eagle, eye, squiggle, walking man, foot, snake, eye.
-Shokranhotep

Bump because I plan on stealing these for personal use.

Copy off all of the Kingdom of Loathing quests.

>"It's been so long since I've cleaned out my icebox, I'm afraid the mold has gained sentience. Seeking a band of sellswords to slay it."

FUCK YEAR!

...cowboy bebop reference?

The board itself is made of sapient pearwood.

"A ravid emerged from a momentary dimensional rift into my erotica outlet. It has animated a box of my finest dildos and absconded. Will pay handsomely for retrieval of dildos, with bonus for unharmed retrieval of the ravid. Ask for Saucy Jane at the Clam and Pearl."

Mature Barbarian male, tall and with good sense of humour. Seeks petite female rogue for friendship, maybe more.

>>8253325

Is its loyalty and malevolence guaranteed?

>>8252423
Door hinge?

>>8253381
It is loyal only to the quests. They just appear on it.

HORSE IS ON BOAT

COME GET HORSE OFF OF BOAT

YOU CAN KEEP HORSE

"400-pound barbarian queen of deceptive agility, terrifying power, and subhuman table manners has anchored herself into our eatery and refuses to leave until a man bests her in an eating contest to prove 'worthy of marriage'. She is eating all of our food and driving away all of our customers. Suspect she may be possessed by a demon, possibly multiple demons, as there is no possible way for one human being to eat as much as she does. Will pay handsome coin for her extraction by any means necessary. Further inquiries may be made at the Blind Ogre."

>>8253515
>The Blind Ogre

Not an inn, but an actual Ogre who carries around barrels, tables and a microbrewery on his back, serving as a cheap pub and roadside alehouse wherever he is.

High level Monk/Drunken Master.

>>8253515
Just poison her or something, god damn

"Wanted: Skilled painter for finishing touches on horrifying statue. I can no longer bear the burden of having created this monstrosity, and need someone to share it with."

>>8253559
Hah, brilliant mental image, thanks!

>>8253573
I imagine her con score is so retardedly high that most poisons just give her indigestion

>>8253620
Feed her some caltrops then. She probably wouldn't notice until they're in her throat

"Wanted: Thuggish hooligans to assist local Evil Overlord in getting back to roots."

"Alcoholic dragon seeks designated driver. Able to pay in ancient gold, magical artifacts, and an amazingly good time. Pyrophobes should not apply."

"Inter-species dating advice. Get it from someone who's seen and done it all! No question or situation is too outlandish. (Succubic credentials available on request)"

"Help needed dealing with local landshark ingestion. And for the last time, NO DWARVES. This is your fault to begin with, you little bastards."

"Polymorphing victim seeks Help. Will not turn away anyone with any experience in shapeshifting or form altering magic. Poster seeks to return to his original form, cost is not an issue. Ask for Steve at (XXXXX)"
"PS cross dressing help/advice is also accepted"

>>8253765
>"Alcoholic dragon seeks designated driver. Able to pay in ancient gold, magical artifacts, and an amazingly good time. Pyrophobes should not apply."

Flying a drunk dragon? Fuck yeah, motherfucker!

>>8253836
I'd personally prefer a wagon using road trip with a dragon that appears to be permanently drunk with some sort of spell that went wrong (Or maybe right. Dragons are weird.)
Now THERE'S a setup for wacky adventures

Large deposits of ivory in newly discovered Dragon's Tooth cave! Beware of heat and damp.

>>8253902
Good times regardless.

An incredibly old-looking flyer, evidently only held together by magic. Despite the cluttered nature of the board, this note has a generous amount of space around it. "In need of an adventuring party to test-run my tomb. Survivors will be rewarded based on the extent of their success. Attempting to circumvent the challenge by destroying large portions of my property will result in swift yet exceedingly painful death."

Hello I am a reasonably non-magical dragon. My fire breathing come mostly from fire-breathing, by which I mean it comes from the strongest of dwarven alcohol. Dwarven alcohol is also wonderful for drinking. You don't have any dwarven alcohol, do you? It is truly wonderful. We can all go on an adventure to collect as much of it as we can.

PS please help me I have a serious drinking problem.

>>8254268
Signed "Acererak"

"Some sort of portal to the Abyss has been opened in my basement. Need help disguising it so my wife won't notice."

>>8254379
"Gee whillakers, Mr. Paladin! This ought to be fun. It's only testing, so how bad can it be?"

>>8254515
And then Acerak was defeated by the medieval equivalent of the Scooby-Doo Gang.

>>8254666
Oh god, I'm just trying to imagine Mysteries Inc. trying to run the Tomb of Horrors. Fred would get them all killed, except for the fact that Scooby and Shaggy seem to bleed lucky ideas and nat twenties.

>>8254691
They would win. The gang can't not win.

They would devise a means to teleport and then the devils would appear. While Shaggy and Scooby distracted them and Daphne and Fred tried to trap them under a cage of immovable rods, Velma would put on her robe and wizard hat. A little experimental magiscience later, the devil's faces are ripped off by explosive magical energy and teleporting is A-OK in the dungeon.

>>8254691
"Like, zoinks, Scoob! It looks like Daphne set off another pit trap. And we're only twenty feet inside the main door! I'm getting out of here! You with me, buddy?"

>>8254748
That's a bit...grim for the Scooby Gang. I'd imagine them as lucking their way through the entire thing, running from one room to another in panicked terror and dodging traps by the skin of their teeth.

>>8254837
What do you think happens when you try to pull the mask off an actual monster?

On the other hand, Acererak's frustration in your idea is pretty entertaining. Particularly with the Orb of Annihilation. "He ate it? How could a stupid dog EAT it?!"

>>8254837
and now i cant find it.. but somewhere out there is a grimdark daphne and scooby standing next to a beat up and armored mystery machine, with markings on the side that suggest that everyone else is dead. good times, good times..

ontopic: dig up one of those talking x-mas tree assemblies and build it into your corkboard. reprogram it to beg/proclaim "stay a while and listen!", eyes and flapping mouth suddenly appearing out of the pinned notes when they get close to read some small print.

>>8254926

>>8254906
And now we know why Scooby has a seemingly endless appetite. Only maybe 10% of everything he eats doesn't get sucked into the orb hovering in his gut. And he can't eat to capacity, since that would eventually build up to the Orb's level. So he's got to constantly eat a lot to keep his body steadily digesting a small amount of food. BRILLIANT

>>8254906

>>8254926
Someone also statted the whole Gang up for CoC, decent backgrounds and all. I like them actually.

>>8254945
anon delivers once again. Thankee-sai