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01/11/12(Wed)17:17:21 No.1064725 File1326320241.jpg-(222 KB, 637x774, 98a92fce57c2243b3ff2e72cdb8e61(...).jpg)
It used to irritate me when people claimed to be shut ins, but claiming the exception of going to work/school. I
know I'm not a true shut in anymore. But I still feel like it. I'm just
improving, barely. I have a job. I can only work half the shifts of a
normal person, because I literally cannot work a shift that requires me
to be around people. I can only work mornings, when there are no
customers. I had to work one afternoon shift last week and nearly had a
panic attack.
I used to go months without leaving my house like
many of you. This happened for years on end, I have trouble keeping
track of how many years it was. They all just came together in one
endless blur. Day after day of the same repetitive, boring tasks. 4chan,
anime, an occasional game... Bored of life, yet too afraid to end my
life. I used to look forward to the 2012 doomsday theories. Now I will
be very disappointed if the world doesn't end and I don't die. Maybe I
will just kill myself at the end of this year. I used to tell myself it
would be okay for me to waste my life, because it wouldn't matter when I
died in 2012 anyway. Seems fitting to just kill myself, knowing nothing
will ever look up for me. I make friends, they just turn their backs on
me. I get a job, I still have panic attacks when a customer dare ask me
a question. I'm hopeless. |