obviously sending a man pity is going to make him feel better instead of fixing his problems for him

>The baby was stillborn.

Still? Damn, must have sucked that he had to take care of the thing.

>-His girlfriend had been pregnant but died in a car crash.
>-The baby was stillborn.

Yeah, a car crash'll do that.

lol his life

>>9363937
Died after the still birth, and they had broken up.

>>9363937
The baby was stillborn two before the car crash.

The girlfriend that was pregnant with his child broke up with him after she couldn't handle the stillbirth. She then went driving drunk due to her massive depression and died two years later, having broken up with Keanu sometime before. They were still good friends.

He needs to believe that this isn't real. He needs to understand he IS the one.

*Dad abandoned the family when he was 3, never reconnected with him.
*Mom was a showgirl
*Long string of stepfathers, constantly moving
*Different high schools
*Dyslexia
*Had a keen interest in hockey but the Olympic dream ended with an injury
*Dropped out of high school to become an actor
*Daughter died stillborn
*Girlfriend died in a car crash
*Close friend died of drugs
*Never married
*Avoids most relationships
*Turns down big roles if the character is too violent
*Took a 90% pay cut in The Replacements so Gene Hackman could be cast
*Deferred $2 million of his salary so Al Pacino could be cast in The Devil's Advocate
*Gives most of his earnings to backstage workers who help with the set
*Best friend is his sister
*Sister is dying of Leukemia
*His remaining money probably is spent paying her medical bills.

>>9363917
>fixing his problems for him
>stillborn

What's done is done. Unless you can bring dead babies back to life, pity/sympathy is the only thing Keanu is getting.

Hes just getting ready to play spike idiot.

>>9363960

I'd better see one of you weird fags on the news for attacking Keanu in the street dressed in a Mr. Smith outfit, trying to cheer him up

>On July 22, 2008, IF Magazine published an article on its website regarding a rumor of a live-action Cowboy Bebop movie in development by 20th Century Fox. Producer Erwin Stoff said that the film's development was in the early stages, and that they had "just signed it".[20][21] Keanu Reeves has been confirmed as playing the role of Spike Spiegel.[22][23]


WHAT

FUCK THIS SHIT

>>9363917

Just letting another human know that he is appreciated, don't be a cunt you furry piece of shit

>>9363968
how do you know this is true?

>>9363968

That's been his life? No wonder he's so detached.

I would be, too.

I think it's super awesome that the online community will exhibit so much passion towards making some fading actor happy, when there are so many problems that actually exist in the world. People have fucked up lives, get over it. Not a single person that wants to help Keanu Reeves has any sort of attachment to him in any way. Quit wasting your time bros, find something useful to do with this energy.

the stuff with his girlfriend happened 10 years ago

>>9364020
Cheering up a GOD isn't useful?
Do you even know the power he holds?
SOMEONE FROM /tv/ POST THE IMAGE

>>9364020
useful like calling you a faggot and to shut up?

>>9363908
Whoa....

bloxtyblox

>>9364020
I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT

You forgot to mention he lost his dreams of becoming a pro hockey player too :(

Didn't he lose his kid too?

My life is fucked as well, and nobody gives a shit. Also, a sad story is not excuse for crappy acting. He sucks.

>>9364020
>>implying that sending a sad man a postcard and donating $20 to a cancer foundation in his name takes any kind of effort

It's not like we're building the guy a fucking monument. What would you rather people be doing with those, I dunno, thirty minutes they might spend on this?

You also forgot to mention that he would have rather been a singer than an actor but his bands have all failed.

>>9363908
I nominate this pic for official bawwww threads.

Boo fucking hoo what a horrible life he has had being successful and rich.

>>9364067
It's just a job.

He was great in Bill & Ted.

>>9364020

Says the man on 4chan...

>>9364036
What image I'm really curious now.

>>9364020

How about quit being a dick? Why do you have such a problem with philanthropy.

[Citation needed] for all of this anti-Keanu nonsense. I mean FriendFace says that Keanu has problems? That site is about as reliable as 4chan for facts.

>>9364107


Hey samefag what are you doing not samefagging it up on /v/?

I've had a shitty life too.

Too bad I'm not rich, famous and loved by a lot of people. Fuck the world.

I heard Keanu had a winning lottery ticket but he lost it.

Keanu "asspained" Reeves needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like an emo kiddie.

>>9364135
Its a picture showing the simarlities of figures in history to Keanu from up to 10,000 years ago. It's ridiculously creepy, and there's a meme on /tv/ that he's immortal because of it.

>>9364203

Good lookin bro you got there samefag.

lol Anti-Keeanu fags.

Keanu also can't eat ice cream because he is allergic.

>>9364209
show it show it show it show it

>>9364199
True. Last I heard he's going around with his pal Randy trying to fix his karma by trying to make up for the shit he did in the past.

>>9364232
;_; He can't even eat icecream? What a terrible existence!

>Reeves deferred his salary for The Devil's Advocate so that Pacino would be cast, as he would do later for the less successful The Replacements, guaranteeing the casting of Gene Hackman.

I have to say that kind of makes me respect him. I mean the guy's rich, it's not like he's off helping people in Africa, but still, I have never heard of an actor doing that before... asking for MORE money, yeah, but deferring? Not really

Keanu just bought a kitten and it died.

>>9364255
I don't have it. It's posted on /tv/ alot, but I couldnt find it last time I went on.

>>9364209
>>9364255
Yes please find.

>>9364117

He was great in Bill & Ted? Great?

Don't you mean... exe..

Nah it's not worth it.

One time Keanu tried to go to Disney World but it was closed so he had to go to Universal Studios instead ;_;

i grew up watching my dad beat my mom on a regular basis, i've never had any friends or a girlfriend, and my cousin killed himself last year, but nobody is trying to cheer me up what gives

Funniest thread on 4chan right now.

Meh, me not care. I'm sure plenty of people 'round these parts have lives just as fucked up too. I care more for them cause odds are they don't have the money to help mitigate the suck.

I checked wikipedia and the thing about the stillborn baby was true, I don't think it mentioned any of the other shit.

one time Keanu went to get a coke from the fridge but he only had pepsi.

one time keanu tried to bend a spoon, but he didn't realise there is no spoon

There you go bros, fresh from /tv/

Keanu once fell off his desk chair.

I am truly sorry for your lots.

>>9364199
I'm saving this thread cause of this post.

in 1995 Keanu had tickets for a Notorious B.I.G. concert but then Biggie got shot and he didn't get a refund

>>9364353
Car crash, sister and family is on there aswell

Also fresh from /tv/

>>9364353

it did say he moved around constantly as a kid and was expelled from high school, and mentioned the hockey thing, and also his sister having leukemia

also this:

>In 2008 Reeves was sued, unsuccessfully in Los Angeles Superior Court for $711,974[15] by paparazzo Alison Silva for allegedly hitting and injuring him with his Porsche after visiting a relative at a Los Angeles medical facility.[16][17] The paparazzo's lawsuit took a year and a half to make it to trial, with all 12 jurors rejecting the case in just over an hour

paparrazi stood in front of his car trying to take pics of him when he was visiting his dying sister? This is how I will intepret it

>>9364331
Have you ever taken a pay cut so Al Pacino could be in a movie?

No?

Then shut up.

>>9364353

the friend dying from a drug overdose thing is probably referring to River Phoenix, although they didn't meet in acting school

I'll bite because you faggots are spamming up my favorite boards. Have some shoops.

I heard Keanu bought a ps3 but then there was no gaems.

>>9364331
>i've never had any friends or a girlfriend
>nobody is trying to cheer me up
>what gives

>>9364411
There is a shitload of these, someone needs to gather them all together.

>>9364441
/v/ + /tv/ = /r9k/?

Keanu is a massive pussy day.

One time Keanu was about to have some leftover pizza, then remembered he had already eaten it the previous day.

So what, its just a guy who did a deal with the devil to live forever and be successful. But the Devil is going to constantly fuck him in the ass for it cause he didn't lawyer up some good papers.

>>9364411
What's the thread? I am interested.

>>9364411

where did these pictures come from?

Reminds me of JASONNNNN
JASON? JAYYYYYYYYYYYYSONNNNNNNNNNNNN

>>9364390
There's a better one where it goes insanely far back.

>>9364460
Because you can change having no friends or a girlfriend.
"If you feel alone when you are by yourself, you are in bad company."

I think I misquoted that, but the point is still there.

Go outside roneryfag.

>>9364489
I started laughing from this. Thanks anon.

Keanu once made a troll thread on /tv/ but nobody responded because they're all still talking about fucking abatap.

>>9364472
manly tears is an obvious troll day

wait that's everyday!!!

>>9364498
Nah I just requested the immortal Keanu picture. They do threads about him properly every now and then.

>>9364434

Keanu at the world Expo

Why should we care a lot of us have it worse them him an aren't rich and famous. Although I do feel for him and hope he gets better.. I just wanted to make that point clear

From /a/.

>>9364602
I don't care about him at all. Waaah, I'm rich and famous, my life is so hard. Give me a fucking break.

>>9364583
it'd be better if he was turned the other way

The man sounds like a great person, I would love to meet him.

>>9364634
He hasn't whined about it at all.

>>9364602
>>why should we care if we also have shitty lives

Because charity isn't a pissing contest. I'm participating in this because I think it's a nice thing to do, plus donating to cancer charities is always a good thing regardless of the reason.

In a dump site.

Keanu, circa early 1900s.

>>9364514
you're right i need to stop being such a massive pussy

>>9364634
>>9364602
I FUCKING HOPE YOU HAVE A FUTURE FULL OF STILLBORN CHILDREN AND CRYING GIRLFRIENDS WHO NEVER ACCEPT YOUR MARRIAGE PROPOSALS BECAUSE YOU NEVER ACHIEVE ANY MEANS TO SUPPORT A FAMILY

ENJOY A LIFE FULL OF LONELINESS AND MISERY

I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH AND HOPE YOU ONLY KNOW DESPAIR

Someone PLEASE post the image

>>9364689

Hey Keanu, I hope you get better! those guys are jerks

>>9364737
kthankyu

I heard Keanu took a 9 million dollar pay cut so that Sandra Bullock could be cast in Speed 2: Cruise Control.

>>9364689
You tell 'em Keanu!

Does anyone have a TEMPLATE?

That's my birthday...

No ones going to do nice things for me.

>>9364747
I heard his original pay was less than $9million... So he paid to have Sandra act in it. (;-;)

Every time Keanu drops his toast, it lands buttered side down.

Keanu's birthday is on christmas so he only gets presents once a year.

Sad little Keanu, barely says a word,
Sits on a bench with no one but a bird.
Never shows expression so not a soul could know,
Of the pain he bears but makes sure to never show.

That poor sad soul, Keanu Reeves,
Finally makes a friend then everybody leaves.

Keanu has been sad for longer than anyone else has been alive.

Keanu doesn't play Mario Party because it's not fun without friends.

I heard that if Keanu looks himself in the mirror for a long enough time, he will start to cry and he isn't exactly sure why.

Also, A Scanner Darkly is my favorite movie

Keanu is sad so that you can be happy.

They say that every time it rains, it only does so because that was the time Keanu decided to go for a walk.

Everyone should shoop his face in cowboy bebop hentai with faye and spike lol.

You honestly think he'd reciprocate? Keanu doesn't give a fuck about you. He'd think this is retarded. It doesn't fix his problems.

Well, I think this goes with the sad theme

>>9364879

;_; this makes me sad...

sadblox

Keanu's tears cause cancer, so he never lets himself cry, no matter how sad he gets.

It's the beard of infinite sorrows ;__;

Every time Keanu buys a cone of icecream the scoop falls down the next second

Every time Keanu cries, cows lie down and the birds stop singing.

Keanu worked up the courage to ask a girl out to prom, flowers in hand he finds out she had commited yesterday

Keanu went to burger king and asked for no pickles on his hamburger, but they gave him pickles anyway..

They say that a Dementor has no effect on Keanu, because there is no happiness for it to suck out.

Looks like Keanu had a series of Unfortunate events.

Keanu got a Charizard in a pack of pokemon cards but his Mom cleaned up his room and he never saw it again.

Whenever Keanu takes a shower, cold water starts coming out halfway through.

Keanu finally found love again.

And then he woke up.

>>9365079

aww man. ;_;

Keanu Reeves revealed that he was going to host a party for his friend, Gary Coleman.

Coleman never made it to the party.

From what I understand, this is on people's minds because he didn't specifically release any of this information. People just happened to find out all of this bad stuff happened to him and admire his ability to not try to publicize it and make people feel sorry for it / try to achieve some kind of gain from his losses. For those of you here that do the same, that's good, but this is r9k after all. While this whole venture to make him feel loved by the internet community is interesting, it doesn't actually address any problems as said above, but it also doesn't take much time and in my opinion will help the participants more than Keanu. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though, since it has managed to bring people together on common ground, and makes people feel useful and impressive, much like actually meeting a famous individual would for most people accustomed to western media.

No matter how much Keanu trains his Magikarp, it will never evolve.

Keanu wanted to be the best pokemon master there ever was, but this douche named Gary kept showing him up so he finally quit.

Keanu just found out he is related to Lindsay Lohan.

keanublox

Keanu fell in love and broke it. ;_;

They say that Keanu's TV only shows sad black and white movies, and nothing else.

Keanu holds doors open for people, and not one of them thanks him.

>>>/tv/9866277

tv thread there.

One time Keanu realized his favorite shirt was dirty, so he ordered his maid to do the laundry. Then he remembered that she had the day off, so he had to wear a different shirt.

>>9363968
Dad in prison for selling heroin

>>9365100
these pictures were taken on Keanu's birthday. He had a whole bunch of models that wanted to party with him but he chose to sit alone on a bench and eat some shitty take out instead. Everyone wondered what was going on with him and they found out his life sucks hard and he has been deeply depressed for the last 10 years.

Birds stop singing whenever Keanu is around and his computer crashes whenever he tries to upload a recording.

They say that in that photo, Keanu was waiting for a friend he met online to show up.

But they never did.

if I was him I'd avoid most relationships too.
Oh wait I already do that.

well keanu...the world is a tremendous shithole but I'm sure you will find peace someday. Don't you cry, ya hearq

If you listen closely when you're around Keanu, and all else is silent, you can hear this song playing ever so softly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQVeaIHWWck

I heard that they asked Keanu is he was going to see Avatar, he shook his head and said "No, my life is blue enough already."

>>9365208

The information was actually available beforehand, I remember seeing a thread a couple of months ago on here about Keanu. What I'm saying though is that this isn't about Keanu necessarily as much as it is about the people who are going to try to cheer him up. His celebrity plays a factor in this exchange, in that helping Keanu subliminally has perceived benefits to the individuals involved. Disregarding that, since it may not apply to all the people involved, people feel a familiarity to Keanu since he's been in the spotlight before, making them more inclined to help him out as they would someone they knew personally. While it is completely reasonable for Keanu to be depressed and for people to try to help him out of it, he is in a better position than many others would be given his circumstances.

These bad days will end.
>we can only hope.

oh noes
poor keanu

Keanu Reeves is probably the best man to be Spike Spiegel in the live action movie. Not only does he kinda look like him, but his life is almost as fucked up as Spike's.

>June 15th is cheerup Keanu day
Why would I care about this asshole when there are children starving in Africa? derp

Y is neo sad?


He needs bunnys and hugs.

Why isn't someone on this?

>>9365344
>Implying anyone cares about niggers.

Keanu pays full price when he goes to the theater to watch his own movies, even though they offer to let him in for free.

>>9365312
I think people empathize with the depression, not the actual bad things that happened to him.

He's rich. I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for him.
However I now understand why he has no other expression except serious stare.

>>9365344
oic you care more about a child you know little about that's probably already brainwashed into some crazy religion (chrstianity probs) and -possibly- already stricken with a currently uncurable disease (AIDS) over the life of a man who has proven to be a good human and probably has entertained you.

sucks for him. where can I mail him stuff? does he have an address?

If anything, THIS thread will make Keanu happy... oh wait

When Keanu plays TF2, he's always a Spy because he never liked people to see the real him.

another immortality image

>His family has been a total mess ever since he was 3 and his dad left. His mother is long dead.
Not at all a suprise in regards to this,
>and his father is an American of Hawaiian, Chinese, Portuguese and English descent
A spic and a gook at the same time, amazing!

Isn't he immortal?

I do have more respect for Keanu now. He's not like all those other celebrities who cries out for attention. He does his job and keeps his private life outside. And he's a humble and good actor.

>>9364879

;_;
saved

saveingblox

Keanu finally completed Pokemon Blue, and his battery died right after he defeated Gary. ;_;

Googled around a bit and found out Jim Carrey was depressed and had a shitty childhood.

http://www.myspace.com/dogstartheband

DOGSTAR

THE BAND. FEATURING KEANU REEVES ON BASS GEETAR.

Whenever he watches the Lion King, the film always glitches until it's just an infinite loop of the scene where Mufasa dies.

If anon has the power to band together and ruin lives for the lulz, perhaps some of our feels bad man will go away if we can show Keanu that we care or something.
I don't know.

>>9365593
stop posting here keanu, we have our own problems

Keanu tried to commit suicide, but both god and the devil said he was too depressing and sent him back.

Keanu went to visit his friend Kurt Cobain but he just found Courtney Love
I'm still helping the Keanu day thing.

>>9365621
Fuck you, I am not Keanu, I'm piss poor.

I'm wondering, Keanu likes anime and do you think he might hang on /a/? Or even /r9k/ since this is the official board for depressed people.

Rick Astley gave Keanu up, let him down, ran around and then deserted him.

>>9365990
I dont think any good celebrity browses 4chan.

Magnets don't fucking work for Keanu.

>>9364232

Keanu can't into ice cram?? ;_;

>>9366022
Wow, THAT is sad :(

>>9366028
I don't know, but it would be really awesome if there was.

Seeing this thread made me sad.

I was friends with Keanu's girlfriend Jennifer Syme for years. We had mutual friends in Marilyn Manson and that whole crew. Jen was amazingly funny, cool and adorable.

And then she just had this terrible string of bad luck. The stillbirth... the depression afterwards leading to the breakup -- it was awful.

And then one night she did a little too much blow at Manson's house and crashed her car. She wasn't a cocaine addict, but she did like party. It was one bad night. Could've happened to any of us back then.

Tragically, Jennifer's mother filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Marilyn Manson. Manson really liked Jen and certainly wasn't responsible for her death. I'm sure it was just the grief of a mother losing her daughter and misplaced anger. Just an awful situation all around.

So yeah, I'm all for cheering up Keanu because Jen was really happy when they were together and she was gonna be a Mom.

TL;DR Cheer up Neo in the memory of my old friend Jen.

Sex Panther only works 8% of the time, every time for Keanu.

>>9366028
Seth McFarlane posts here, if that counts.
He didn't explicitly confirm that it was him, but it was rather obvious.

i don't give a fuck about keanu reeves.
EVERY human being has to face the same problems, but without million dollars to spend.
you will learn that life hurts OP, and face it like a real man.
and not to whine for a depressed millionaire, mind of your own issues.

When Keanu went to the animal shelter to adopt a dog, they all stopped barking and started to cry in the corner. Not a single puppy would lick his hand.

Even when Keanu doesnt do drugs, he's still not a winner

>>9366028

Well maybe no good celebrity but there's a d-list basic cable fucker writing this right now.

>>9366135
>EVERY human being has to face the same problems, but without million dollars to spend.
Which is why Keanu donates his millions to those less fortunate. Hes a true bro

>>9366152
So yeah, no good celebrity.

>>9366125
When was this? Also, pics or it didn't happen.

When Keanu went to Silent Hill, all the monsters were just crying children.

yes it's true ohmygod

>>9366028
That's the beauty of 4chan. They could be here, posting in this very thread, and nobody would know. They are anonymous just like the rest of us.

>-His girlfriend had been pregnant but died in a car crash.
-The baby was stillborn.
-His best friend in acting school died from a drug overdose.

Unless you are underageb&, you should know these things already. But yes, fucking tragic.

>>9366167

HAH. Yup. No good celebrity! Sorry. I could try and get more famous but then I'd have to leave the house and stop lurking 4chan. That sounds terrible!

>>9366183
without the suit, he would really look like a hobo

When Keanu goes to Mcdonalds, he isn't allowed to buy a Happy Meal.

>>9366135
>>implying any of this has anything remotely to do with the OP

How about you learn to control your bitterness and stop looking down on other people, anonymous?

>>9366206
I LOLed so hard.

ireallydidbloxxors

Despite being around for the last few hundred years, they still wont let Keanu order off the senior citizens menu.

>>9366174
I saved the thread.
Don't feel like making screencaps though.

>>9366209
he created this thread to help his millionaire imaginary friend.
so, yes, OP is totally fucked up.
take care of your family and yourself.
celebrities don't need your compassion

>>9366152
Patton Oswalt?

Love the new album.

I like to think that no matter how famous you get, it's still nice to know that you're appreciated.

ITT i wished keanu reeves was dead, and patrick swayze would still be laughing at life, with all the problems he overcame.

>>9366261

Awh come on! Patton's more than a D-list guy at this point! I love Patton...

Nah just one of those assholes who loves various decades. But this isn't about me. This is about cheering up KEANU!!!!

No.

I can't believe someone posted this stupid bullshit, no-one on 4chan should even be using facebook much less subscribing to celebrity viral publicity stunts. Fuck all of you for not saging.

/r9k/ - opening old wounds

You guys are a bunch of aspies if you don't see the harm you're inflicting by REMINDING HIM OF HORRIBLE SHIT THAT HAPPENED ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO.

When Keanu finally collected all the Dragonballs and summoned Shenron, all he wished was to be happy. Shenron sadly apologized that he was unable to do so. Then the Dragonballs cracked, never to be used again.

>>9366291
ahah , this
life's a bitch, killing all the good persons, and letting depressed ones to live longer and suffer before an hero.

>>9366297
>>raging at facebook

I figured the asspies would get here sooner!

He's probably met more problems than any of us will meet ever. And I do think it's good to support him considering all the things he's contributed with. He donates money, helps his sister, his money keeps the band going, and cool movies such as Bill and Ted's excellent adventure.

HEY EVERYONE.

If you're going to do this event, make sure that you send him HAPPY stuff.

Don't write ANYTHING about the sad things in his life. Send him jokes, if you donated to cancer research, then tell him.

NO DEPRESSING SHIT.

>>9366297
OH U SO EDGY ANON
FIGHT THE MACHINE

Take your half-assed attempts at rebellion to Gaia, you stunted adolescent.

i'm pretty sure keanu reeves is haveing the best cocaine of all west coast, and the greatest wines of old europe while he's fucking 18 years old girls in 200$ brotels rooms, while /r9k/ is whining about him and not having a life.

>>9366297
Dont worry about the facebook, its just a way of getting more people. I havent seen the Facebook group but ill still help with the thing

If only it had, oh, how we would've danced in fields so green. Under a rainbow, flowers in our hair.

Keanu once started a thread on /r9k/ to cheer himself up, only to have it saged.

>>9366364
like loosing his closest family memeber?
this won't happen to you ?
you need to learn@life anon.
this will happen to you soon, very soon.

Keanu sits and plays Pokemon, because there he can have as many friends as he wants and none of them can die.

"I Laugh at Life: its antics make for me a giddy games,
Where only foolish fellows take themselves with solemn aim.
I laugh at pomp and vanity, at riches, rank and pride;
At social inanity, at swager, swank and side.
At poets, pastry-cooks and kings, at folk sublime and small,
Who fuss about a thousand things that matter not at all;
At those who dream of name and fame, at those who scheme for pelf. . . .
But best of all the laughing game - is laughing at myself."

Chuck Norris once met Keanu and became so depressed he now sells Total Gyms.

>>9366387
this.
and also, you are all talking about issues he had to face ten years ago.
the page is turned for him now.
like in real life.
but i guess r9k doesn't know what is real life.

When Keanu went to Disney World, he got promptly kicked out out.

"Sir, this is the happiest place on earth. You're not allowed here."

Keanu played the entire way through Pokemon Soul Silver, only to have nobody ask for his phone number. Not even Joey wanted to talk about his Rattata with him.

>>9366413
Did you even read the thread? Ofcourse I know I'll lose family members, I already have lost my dad because of cancer. It's not only that he's been through. And I have more respect for him than for many the other whiny celebrities who would probably make a documentary of what they've gone through.
And I know he's not the only silent celebrity who's had a tough life.

Keanu can't ever evolve his Togepi because it stays depressed.

l bet NOW he wishes that The Matrix was real.

Adblock+ doesn't work for Keanu. He has to see advertisements while browsing the internet.

>>9366387
Dude, these pics were taken on his goddamn birthday. You'd expect him to be partying at the playboy mansion or something.
Stop assuming shit about people.

When Keanu dies, there won't be anybody in the church waiting for him. They will have already moved on without him.

Keanu went to a pancake house for his birthday and he asked for a pancake with a whipped cream smiley face. They were out of whipped cream.

Keanu tried playing the original Zelda but was never given a sword, apparently he was supposed to go alone after all.

>>9366554
Do you have a link to the article about his birthday with the photos? I would like to read it.

I don't actually care about Keanu in any personal way (though yeah, it does seem like he's been through some hard stuff), and I'm not participating in the "Make Keanu Happy" day, but I love these Chuck Norris-esque facts about him. Laughs-a-million.

When Keanu started playing Pokemon Red, Professor Oak had already given away his last three Pokemon.

Archive this thread. The Keanu jokes on here are amazing.

I highly doubt it was still when born.

Going through a windshield at high velocity is hardly still.

celebrities who've had/have a tough life are admiring

>>9366698
Not really. There are cunts and assholes who use it as justification for being shitty people, but Keanu's been selfless since day one and continues forward without drawing much attention on himself or past tragedies.

When Keanu goes fishing, he only catches boots and tin cans, even if there never were any in the lake.

When Keanu went to the beach as a kid, it started thunderstorming. Every time.

When Keanu makes a cake, it never rises.

Keanu bought a pet dog so that he wouldn't be lonely anymore, just as he was bringing it home it was overcome with sudden depression and ran into the road.

To cheer himself up at the loss of his dog, he bought a snail because it couldn't run away. It got into the kitchen and salted itself to death.

No matter how much milk Keanu puts in his coffee, it will always be a black coffee.

Keanu Reeves got a rock.

In the Matrix Revolutions, Agent Smith was finally killed by Neo's overwhelming depression.

Keanu bought himself a pet rock to cheer up. It ran away.

When Keanu makes tea, its always cold by the time it finishes brewing.

Keanu just can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Crunch

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Keanu Reeves is followed by storm clouds everywhere he goes, and only once saw the sun peek through. That was in 1937.

Keanu has never had candy for breakfast.

Keanu's dad is dissapoint.

The only cure for cancer are Keanu's tears.

Sadly, he can never cry again. All his sorrows just build up inside of him, constantly gnawing on his soul like a mangy dog on a stray bone. For that is the price of immortality.

When Keanu sits down a bench to eat lunch, he spawns a shitty meme.

Keanu stopped the Chesire Cat smiling with just one look.

When Keanu paints with Bob Ross, all he can manage are sad little bushes.

Keanu's cat only had one life.

Keanu knows why a raven is like a writing desk

Unfortunately, he has no one to tell it to.

>>9366295
Fair enough. (Patton did do that sort of thing for awhile though) But now I'll be forever curious if I ever catch that show on. Glad to have ya with us.

Keanu made the Joker frown.

>facebook
fucking niggers, I knew r9k would ruin everything

Life gave Keanu lemons, but he didn't have the sugar and water to make lemonade.

When Keanu eats at a restaurant, the ketchup never comes out of the bottle. Even if he uses a knife.

When Keanu went to cheer kids with cancer in the hospital they died

Not even his phone company sends Keanu texts.

There's a picture in Keanu's attic which gets happier and happier.

For Keanu, there is nowhere over the rainbow.

Don't you think if Keanu knew about this he would be annoyed you all felt sorry for him?

Awful arrogant of you all

>>9367015

>implying it wasn't /tv/

Sage something else you proper faggot.

>>9366939

I lol'd fucking hard at this one

lol

Even if Keanu has an apple a day, the doctor wont stay away.

Oh god, I lol'd so hard at this thread.

Somebody needs to save all of these jokes and load them somewhere.

>>9366105

You know Manson?

>>9367001
>>9366295
>it's 6th of June
>see robot mention about Patton
>see robot mention D-day
>anticipate good debate
>it's actually D-list and has nothing to do with D-day
>my face

>>9367078
Archive it! Follow these steps >>9366881

>>9367047

I burst out laughing.

lolblox

M&Ms melt in Keanu's hands.

>>9367078
Like the archive?

When Keanu requests a thread to be archive, it only gets 1 request.

When Keanu gets up in the morning he is out of milk. Every morning.

When Keanu joined Myspace, not even Tom would be his friend

fuck him he hasn't had a good movie since Bill & Ted

>>9365524

HOLY SHIT!!

Their song "Shine" was the ending theme music for the Hellsing anime.

Serious WTF moment here...

Every time someone walks past Keanu, a little bit of their sadness stays with him.

Keanu ain't happy, he's feeling glad
He's got sunshine in a bag
He's useless, but not for long
The future is coming on

When Keanu plays Devil May Cry, every devil cries.

Keanu can't break into a Kit Kat. They only bend.

Whenever Keanu picks up a carton of milk it's always nearly empty, making him overestimate the force needed to pull it up. Every. Fucking. Time.

>>9367182
:( Poor Keanu

When Keanu goes to a restaurant's bathroom there is no toilet paper

Keanu reeves has been alive for so long he forgot how old he is.

>>9367182

>implying Keanu will ever get annoyed in his life

Maybe Keanu will come back with all the powers of darkness (Bram Stoker's Dracula reference)

When Keanu makes macaroni and cheese, he always puts too much milk and turns it into soup.

Before Keanu Reeves came to /r9k/, it was a board about optimism and puppies.

>>9365524
Shit...they're pretty good, actually.

>>9367226
Thats a good one mate.

When Keanu eats spaghetti, it won't twirl onto his fork.

Keanu has never received a friend request on Facebook.

When Keanu rubs his hands together, they generate no heat from the friction.

I once heard that Keanu Reeves's story was the inspiration for Richard Alpert in Lost.

On MGS1, Keanu has never been able to save Meryl.

;_;

The Great Depression was the result of Keanu's first time investing in the stock market.

When Keanu tries to talk on vent, it never picks up his voice. He has to use push to talk, and then it's way too quiet so everyone can barely hear him.

When Keanu rescued an injured bird, it threw itself out the window and died.

>>9367312

Oh shit, ;_;

fuckoffrobotthisissad

Babies never cry when Keanu is near. They just develop a of lifetime depression.

When Keanu finished GTAIV, both Roman and Kate were dead

Keanu's favorite video game is Super Mario RPG, that way he can repair the Star Road and have his wishes come true again.

When Keanu plays Harvest Moon, nobody wants to marry him and his crops never grow.

When Keanu plays Super Mario Brothers, he always finds Princess Peach in the first castle. Dying of Leukemia.

When Keanu cosplays, no one recognises his character

Depression Dog was Keanu's first pet

When Keanu washes his black clothes, they always come out faded.

The dreams in which he's dying are the best that Keanu's ever had.

Whenever Keanu opens a can of Coke, he finds that it's gone flat.

Keanu always gets overage charges on his phone, even though he doesn't have any friends to call.

When Keanu finished Pokemon yellow, Pikachu still didnt like him

Frosties were never grrrreat to Keanu, they were just good.

When Keanu watches Cosmos, he has to stop because Sagan's eager optimism and charm are too unbearable for him.

When Keanu plays Half Life 2, the Vortigaunts are never able to save Alyx.

When Keanu plays Mass Effect 2, his entire team dies on the last mission.

When Keanu wakes up i the morning he feels like P. Diddy ...

... just as P. Diddy felt as Notorious B.I.G. was killed.

When Keanu plays Tetris, it's nothing but L-blocks.

When Keanu posts in an epic thread, it 404s just as he hits "Submit"

Keanu always forgets an umbrella when it rains.

You can't read Keanu's poker face, because it's his everday expression.

Keanu never just dances, because it wont be ok.

When Keanu eats skittles, he never tastes the rainbow.

Keanu has a feeling that tonight WON'T be a good night.

Not tomorrow, nor the next night either.

When Keanu goes shopping, the store always closes before he can buy what he wants. Always.

Keanu always missesthe last train home

>>9365472
>portuguese
>spic
Huh no. We're not mexican-like ya know. More like regular europeans.

The ocean is always flat when Keanu goes surfing.

Keanu always gets sand in his crack, even when not at the beach.

Seagulls always steal Keanu's chips before he can eat them.

When Keanu puts a seashell to his ear, he can never hear the ocean.

Keanu always gets sunburned at the beach, even though its constantly cloudy while he's there.

When Keanu makes s'mores, the marshmallow always falls into the fire right before he takes it out.

When Keanu builds a sandcastle, the waves always destroy it before he finishes, even though he builds it next to the parking lot.

Fuck, his band actually isn't half bad.


"I am happiest on stage," says Keanu Reeves - because for him, nothing is cooler than life in a touring rock band.

;_;

Even in soviet russia, Keanu is sad

Whenever Keanu buys an ice cream cone, the ice cream falls off. Every time.

Keanu never gets letters in Animal Crossing and everyone moves away.