The first and foremost utensil in the fridge is mayonaisse. This cold slithery
stuff can make excellent whack cream. Ketchup is okay but the whitish color
of mayo is most suitable. Next you need some eggs.

I don't like where this thread is going.

I don't like it at all.

>>9071655
Take the eggs, preferably two or three, and shove them into your asshoIe.
Grade-A Large eggs will greatly increase your orgasm. A hardboiled egg will
somewhat enhance this effect because it has a tendency to slither around
in your ass.

>>9071670
Melons are good for a quick orgasm. Take a pairing knife and hollow out
a section in the melon that will accomodate your dick. Ram your cock in and out, in and out of the melon. But this isn't the fun you INTENDED on having, is it?

>>9071677
Take a piece of bologna or a slice of ham and wrap your balls in it. Rub
cottage cheese all over your chest. Smear tobasco sauce all over the insides
of your upper legs. Sprinkle flour/corn meal/baking soda in your armpits.
Drape mashed potatoes over your feet, squishing it lovingly between your
toes.

>>9071680
Empty out a squeezable kethup bottle. Rinse it out, please. Now go find
an excellent place to bate. A great place is your bed, over a chair, etc.
But you're aiming for great orgasmic fun, so hit the bed. Prop your ass on
the backboard of your bed (baseboard, what the hell ever) and place your
feet against the wall. You should now be in a semi-upside down position.
Equip yourself with your "refrigerator sex tools" and grab the empty
bottle. Squeeze in on the bottle, forcing out all the air. If you use cream,
cream up and go at it. As you feel yourself climaxing, shove the tip of
your head into the end of the bottle and let go. The bottle will try to suck
in air and will suck your dick for you and you bate and cum into the bottle.
Make sure you have two or three fingers, or some hardboiled eggs up your
ass as you cum to joy. Slowly return to a flat position and slowly sit up,
fondling your balls. Now eat every damned thing you use for your hot sex.

>>9071692
Try everything for the hell of it, and if you're fat enough, shove the
whole damned refrigerator up into your anal tract.

THE RULES
-----------

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules can change without notice.

3. Males can't know the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some of the rules.

5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the
misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind.

9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be
angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.

14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

ODE TO THE ILLITERATE
-----------------------

Khstva or dmnop.
Hetae vsa num zrbt
Odre perfpav mittok;
Linos Blil Andrense
A nam vtie pto.
-- Tom Dungan

CLEARASIL MESSIAH
-------------------

Clearasil Messiah, he's come to save your face.
He's come to restore the social life of all the human race.

Acne lord, ance lord, come down and give us a hand
Smear on a generous portion of cream of the Clearasil brand.

Destroyer of blackheads, warrior against zits,
Wage the war, wage the war.

Clearasil Messiah, consecrate our faces,
Save us from impurity,
And give us all your zit-cream graces.

His only weapons are cream, soap, a washrag, and pin,
But in the war against acne you can bet your ass he'll win.

So if your face looks like pizza, and you're about to give in
Say an act of contrition for your acne related sin,
Cause with the Clearasil Messiah, the road to clear skin begins.

-- A Death Tongue song

X-LAX
-------

I think I'll have a beer
And go piss out my ass. -- Edge Man

BE AWARE
IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY
--------------------

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly
south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

What's up?
What's down?
Why's that?
Wise ASS.
How's it goin?
Large zit.
Pop it.
NO.
YES.
Why not?
Eat snot.
Drink beer.
Don't sneer
Come clear
Then the townspeople won't jeer.
Will not.
Will to.
The neighbor's doggie has to "do".
Can you really turn around 3 times
And shit upon your shoe?
Don't believe you.
But you should!
You didn't do it,
but you COULD.

How's it?
Big zit.
Hotter than a Witch's tit.
Is not.
Is too.
Step in lots of sticky goo.
Why rhyme?
In time?
Just a choice I have to make
Cook my cat in Shake N' Bake
Up on broil cook it long
Fiddle long time with my dong.
Rub it feel it stroke it suck it
Bite it off and then upchuck it.
Ooh gross
Overdose.
Problems in the ozone layer.

I don't know what this is, but I like it. Anyone care to explain?

Whack it good
Whack it clean.
Whack to gangreen of a spleen.
Why bother?
Where's your father?
In the navy. Want some gravy?
Where's your mind?
Where's your butt?
Are you sleeping with a slut?
Kiss my butt cheeks
Buff them wax them.
Stick them on your stiffy cock
Shine my flabby ass
Till it rolls 'round nine o'clock.
Would you lick me?
Would you fuck me?
Then digest me and upchuck me?
I will not.
Smoke some pot.
Live a life of greedful sin.
Cannot do because I hate you.
Find another cardboard box!

Hello.
How are you?
I barely remember your name.
Don't dick around with me
When I have to pee
I know your petty little games.
Your little brother
Oh you mean James?
Yeah he gives good head alot
Sucks it long and hard
And then you come
And then he smokes his pot.
Busch beer
In the clear.
Drink it with a tear.
In your eye?
No your ass!

You stupid dumbfuck twit!
Oh you mean that Witch's tit?
Superbowl.
Lump of coal.
Will the Bangles really win?
Or commit a grievous sin?
Will not!
Will to!
Don't start with your shit
That the doggie's gotta DO.
Why not?
Why?
Yer momma!
Yeah I know her
She gave birth to me.
On the side of the street
In a dumpster
Some ugly trash filth had to hump her.
Then had to leave her, dump her.
Then I came out with a plop.
And NOW look at me
I'm a flop.
Got nothing at all to do
Just sit here, talk with you.
Is it dull?
Is it boring?
Is that Barbara Bush a-whore-ing?
I think it is!
I think it's not!
Oh shut up and suck my snot!

Buy a bottle
Get real drunk.
Topple down and sniff a skunk
In his asshole then just lick it
Drop your drawers pump it stick it
Till the policeman gives you a ticket.
It's a crime!
But worth a dime!
But I'm covered in rat shit!
So I won't even fool with it.
I am leaving I don't like you
Hope the niggers will all spike you.
Why's that?
Grease fat.
Stick a dildo in your hat.
I'm gone.
I'm leaving.
Hope yer here tomorrow heaving.
Puking chucking barfing scarfing
All the little bitty chunks.
And then you'll surely die
When you get harrassed by punks.
So long.
Farewell.
Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Adieu, adieu
To you and you and you!
Enough of the Sound of Music shit.
It's time to say goodbye.
It's really getting cold out here
So cuddle up and DIE!

Please, if you will, imagine that throughout the entire known,
unknown and even parallel universes, that all persons which we refer to as
being toward, on, or behind that unbelievably large group, that we have, for
the sake of conveniency, labeled, 'stupid' owe their ability to retain their
intelligence to that of a single, charitable, small, and quite plainly dumb
cricket. It is this very single, charitable, small, and quite plainly dumb
cricket which has come to be known as 'The Community Cricket'.

>>9071862
Yet surprisingly enough the Community Cricket (C.C.) is unaware that all
of these rather stupid persons are linked to it via three and one-quarter
unaccountable, unaccustomed, unadvised, un-American, unapt, unartistic,
unbaked, unbalanced, unblushing, unburdened, uncalled-for, unchristian,
unclad, unclean, uncomfortable, uncommunicative (ironic no?), unconcerned,
unconscious, underfeed, understressed, underworked, unfaithful, unfavorable,
unfeeling, unfit, unfortunate, unfounded, unfriendly, ungodly, ungraceful,
unhappy (no? duh!), unhealthy, unholy, unjust, unmentionable, unnecessary
(then why am I doing this??), unoccupied, unorganized, unoriginal,
unpalatable, unplesant, unpopular, unprofessional, unqualified, unreasonable,
unresponsive, unsavory, unskilled, unsociable, unsophisticated, unstable,
unsubstantial, untaught, unthinking, untidy, unvaccinated, unwitting,
unworthy, revolting, overbearing, overdeveloped, overpaid oversexed and a tad
bit revolting, Peptic Ulcers.

Fucking samefag, none gives a shit about your dumb story.

>>9071873
These Peptic Ulcers relay the various stupid
person requests such as: Should I beat my heart? breathe now? Do I need to go
the bathroom? If so then how do I use the bathroom? What is the next stupid
thing I can say? What is the next stupid thing I can gesture? What is the next
stupid thing you can think of for me to claim as my own personal and original
thought even though I am unaware of your existence and tend to ignore that
fact? Should I eat or drink Jello? Should I drink Coke or Pepsi? (If they
choose Pepsi give up any and all hope you have of saving them). And the list
goes on and on.. These requests are relayed directly to the 'anal' areas of
the Community Cricket by way of semaphore. The exact reason semaphore is used
seeing that most peptic ulcers have no arms is unclear but since it is the
Community Cricket it makes perfect sense when you put it all together on a 4
by 8 inch piece of yellow posterboard with green ink and then prompty set it
ablaze with either a blow torch or a modified bic lighter on an August full
moon that specificly occurs on any Monday although a Wednesday will suffice
nicely.

>>9071787
It's Toxic Shock. Some group of batshit insane druggies.

>>9071907
Oh, and these are all from the eighties/nineties.

So you got an old girlfriend you want to tear the mother fucking
shit out of. Hell it's alot easier and better to fuck up her mind.
You know the type, the ones that will fuck anyone, anyone except you,
just because your 'special' or a 'good friend'. If that's the case
then what I am about to suggest will push her over the edge and boy is
it fun to watch!!!

What we are going to do is make her start thinking you are going
to kill yourself.

>>9071921
1. Get the bitch on the phone and in the middle of a
conversation ask her what she would do if she knew someone who was
going to kill themselves? If she asks who; just say it's a friend of
yours. If she says she'd try to stop him (of course she will say
that) ask her what business it of hers to stop someone from doing what
they want to their own life? Let her respond. And say "fuck you too"
and hang up. See the "fuck you too" is totally out of the corner and
will make her think you are actually serious about the act.

>>9071670
>slither around your ass
hahaha oh man

>>9071933
2. Write your suicide note saying why you're going to end it
all. But be clever, write it in code, make a simple substitution
cipher and translate something from a "Readers Digest" (Hey! that give
you something to do while taking a nice long shit!) so it looks legit,
but isn't just incase she calls the psycho ward you can PROVE you
weren't going to do it. Now enclose it in an envelope and give it to
her with careful instructions not open it, in any event except your
"death".

>>9071945
3. They say one of the warning signs is when you start giving
away your possessions, Now do this ONLY if you want the fuIl effect.
If there is something of yours she liked just give it to her. That
there should get the sluts parents involved!

>>9071963
4. If she calls you or somthing try to sound very depressed,
don't speak much, And say "I've got things on my mind, can I let you
go?" She says "sure", You say "Good bye, and I'll love you always"
<click>. If the phone starts ringing in a few minutes don't answer
it.
5. Call her up and ask "Why do you hate me so?", Let her
respond; Hangup.

6. Write some really evil poetry about satan and death and all
that neat shit. And ask her opinion on it, and say "What the fuck to
you know? You slut!" <Click>

>>9071977
7. Draw odd looking figures on your hands in an ink pen and if
she asks what they are, just say, "oh it's nothing you need be
concerned with."

8. Ask her to recomend some very powerful sleeping pills.

9. Get a BIG bullet from somewhere or other and when ever you
are near her make it obvious you have something in your hand, let her
glimpse the bullet, and if she asks about it tell her it's none of her
fucking business and run off somewhere. Appear quite jittery.

>>9072001
I lurve where this is going

>>9072001
10. The kicker... Call her up and say play along with one these
schemes.

10a. Tell her you feel very sleepy and at times "drift" off and
come back, babble about the little stupid things that have happened in
the past, Try to sound like you're about to cry. Then just drop the
phone, put it on mute and listen to her go frantic.

10b. Even better is to get an M-80 and talk to her, as above sound
depressed and on the verge of tears, tell her that you're sorry and
light light the M-80. Let it go off near the phone, drop the mouth
piece after it goes off, press the mute button and listen in.

Have fun. I know I have!

Pussy. Yeah, that nice wet soft female sex object us guys just fucking fIip
out over. But what happens when that nice young female dies? Oh yeah if
you're a fuckin gross-ass necropheliac you can keep her and use that
stone-hard bitch as a fuck doll, but nah. You've loved her cunt for a long
long time, why not keep it? Put that bitch to use. Here I present:

50 uses for the household pussy

>>9072029
1. So you've got your dead bitch's twat. What can you do with it? Use it
to apply shoe polish to your finest Sunday shoes.

2. When you're horny as hell just remember your sweet, but now deceased,
girlfriend and put her cunt in your hand to masturbate with.

3. Use it as a sponge to wash your car.

4. Use it as a coaster for your drinks.

5. Having guests over for dinner? Top your favorite casserole with it.

>>9072060
6. Use it as a table centerpiece at your annual banquet of America's
most prestigeous businessmen.

7. Hey, it's reusable toilet paper!

8. Give it to your new girlfriend as a makeup brush.

9. Bake it in the oven and use it as steel wool to scour pots and pans.

10. Use it as a speaker grill on your finest 200 watt speaker system.

>>9072076
11. Tie it to a string and let your dog chase it.

12. Hang it on the hood ornament of your car.

13. Tack it to a piece of wood and put it out for a door knocker.

14. Use it for a toupee! HAHAHA!

15. Double your luck at the fuck. Tape in onto your new girlfriend so
now you've got double the pussy!

>>9072099
16. Miss your girlfriend? Tape it between your NEW girlfriend's tits
and bury your face in it. Have some of the old and some of the new, too.

17. Use it for mittens in winter.

18. Fill it with some foam rubber and try your hand at some racquetball.

19. Stretch it out and use it as a fish net.

20. Or stretch it out and give it to your new girlfriend as a pair of
fish net hose.

>>9072108
21. Wanna be gross? Tape it to your butt crevice. Whack off with one
hand and finger your asshole thru the deceased cunt as if it were
your girlfriend.

22. Mix it in with your alfalfa sprouts.

23. Have too many past girlfriends? Kill them all and take their pussies.
Throw them in a bathtub and jump in. Hell now you're surrounded by all
kinds of cold, sweet, stinky pussy. Ain't it great?

24. Run out of fishing line? String all those black hairs together so
you'll always have some spare line on hand.

25. Throw it in a plastic bag and squeeze it when you get horny.

>>9072128
26. Tape it to your new girlfriend's mouth so not only will you be
throwin your tongue down her throat but you'll have the pleasure of
throwing your tongue thru your OLD girlfriend's pussy.

27. Use it in place of a feather duster.

28. Use it for a small scale mop.

29. Put it in your tuna fish salad to simulate the real taste and
aroma of that pussy.

30. Wear it around your neck like black people wear the Africa
symbols and Cadillac hood ornaments.

>>9072145
31. Hang it on the antenna of your car.

32. Tie it to a string and tie the string to the trailer hitch of
your car and let the bitch fly down the road.

33. After baking it for using as steel wool, wash it and bake it
again to use as a hairbrush.

34. Lose your wallet? This cold stuff cunt will do just fine.

35. Tie it on the end of a rope and swing it out at cars as
they drive down the road.

>>9072163
36. Pull up to the McDonald's drive-thru and tape it to the
speaker thingie where you order your food.

37. Or keep it until you get to the window and then throw it in
and drive off.

38. Go inside McDonald's and tape the pussy to the cash registers.

39. Got the guts? The equipmet? Climb up to a billboard and paint,
in big bold letters, "Free PUSSY!". Tack several pussies to the
billboard then draw and arrow from the text to the pussy.

40. Option for above: Do that and then put at the bottom:
"Just call <Your best friend's telephone number>!!"

>>9072170
41. Pour alcohol on it and use it to clean the heads on your floppy
disk drives.

42. Put soap on it and use it to clean YOUR head! (Not the one on
your shoulders, either!)

43. Put in on a boxing glove and go around punching out all your
worst enemies. Not only do they get a black eye but also the smell
of dead rotting cunt embedded into their system.

44. Go to a doctor's office, open up the damn Reader's Digest,
stick in the cunt then close it. Hang around and watch people
find a cunt when they expected to see "Build Your Word Power".

45. Go in to see the doctor, show him the cunt and say you passed
this thing with your stools this morning.

>>9072185
46. Go to the local Kroger's. Throw a spare dead cunt into the
lobster tank. Bury one somewhere in the produce section.

47. They got a cafeteria? Dump the bitch somewhere in the food line.

48. Go into Big Lots, where all the niggers shop, have your cunt
handy. No not YOURS, I hope you guys don't have both! You know
what I mean. Put the cunt on top of the manager's head then
announce "Yo niggas, whassup? There's some free sweet pussy up
here, come and get it!" See if the manager doesn't get mobbed with
a thousand blacks trying to mob the son of a bitch.

49. Go to the local K-Mart film department, fill out an envelope,
and stuff in the pussy as the "film" to be developed...

50. While at K-Mart, tape the pussy to the big blue light, turn the
bitch on, and announce a fuckin Blue Light Special, Free Cunt for All!

Put that
dead stiff cunt to work for you.

Hump-My-Dump sat on a wall,
Hump-My-Dump crushed his great balls;
All the pimp's whores and
All the pimp's pricks
Couldn't repair
Humpty's fifteen-inch dick.
But a sleazy young lady,
A bedraggled whore
Put back together Humpty's dick,
Much longer than before.
And now Humpty's horny
with style and class
To go out and pump bitches
Up their tight ass.

Jackoff be nimbIe
Jackoff be quick
Jackoff work over
My rock-hard dick.

Jackoff nimbly
Jackoff quick
Jackoff till the cum
Falls off of your dick.

Jack and Jill
Fucked on a hill
And Jill's done broke her water
Jack fell down
And came on the ground
And Jill came immediately after.

What the fuck is happening in this thread

No seriously

Little Miss Muffet fucked her tuffet
Eating on turds and hay.
Along came a spider
And came all inside her
And she said "Ooh baby, ride me away!"

Three blind pimps
Three blind pimps
See how they fuck
See how they fuck
They all ran after the president's wife
Who castrated them with a butcher's knife
You never seen so much cum and blood in your life
Three blind pimps.

>>9071645

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Little Peter Vagina Eater
Had a cunt but couldn't eat her
Put her in a testicle shell
And there he told her to go to hell.

Mary used a bloody rammer
Bloody rammer, bloody rammer
Mary used a bloody rammer
And her fetus was white as snow.

London Bitch is faIling down
Falling down
Falling down
London Bitch is falling down
Drink beer baby.

Trick or shit, smell my clit
Fuck me if your dick will fit.

I have never been more confused in my life.

Rock-a-bye fetus
In a big cock
If the whore gives it a blow
The fetus will knock.
If his bowels break
The fetus will eat his balls,
And out will cum baby
Blood guts and all.

Jackoff Runt could eat no cunt,
His wife could suck no dick,
He took her for every last penny she had,
Look at that damned little prick.

Georgie Orgy, pudding and pone,
Fucked the whores and made them moan.
When they found out Georgie was gay,
Georgie Orgy ran away.

There was an old slut who fucked a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do;
She molested them all and she gave good head;
She beat them with chains and sent them to bed.

Little Jackoff Horny
Whose shit was so corny
He ate a Tuna Fish Stick;
He put in his thumb,
Geez was he dumb
The tuna fish melted his dick.

Little Boy Blew
Cum in my mouth.
The slut's in the bedroom,
The pimp's gone South;
But where is the pervert
Who fingers the slut?
"He's under a fuck-doll
Gettin it up the butt."
"Will you pull him away?"
"No that'd be a disgrace
'cause sure as I did,
He'd piss in my face."

Twinkle twinkle little dick
Up my butt oh will you stick?
Up above my balls so big
Like a tractor trailer rig.
Twinkle twinkle little dick
Up my butt oh will you stick?

i had never heard of the bakerman in my town until Kathy was telling me about it, reflections of the lake in her eyes. not drowning, yet, Kathy- just talking about the bakerman. the bakerman was called Thomas Bernshaw by those who knew but i didn't, not yet- just the bakerman. the bakerman and his yellow eyes. raging tigers: got you caught in a tornado, useless limbs all about you, got you choking on your own skeeze. Kathy knew because she was brittle little bitch, baby in the water - John empty the tub out, i don't know, i don't know. baby in the water, Kathy thrashing against my arms, fingernails scraping across my forearms leaving little lines of paperwhiteskin ffffewww blow it off, little breadcrumbs in the air, don't tell the bakerman about where i drowned Kathy

this thread made my fucking day

Wee Willie Winkle runs through the whorehouse
Upstairs and downstairs in a woman's blouse.
Rapping on the doors, screaming through the locks,
"Isn't there a bitch here who'll suck my juicy cock?"

This is the house that Jackoff buiIt.

This is the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

This is pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

This is the pimp
That killed the pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

This is the dick all dry and limp
That's attached to the pimp
That killed the pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

>>9072487
This is the condom
That covered the dick all dry and limp
That's attached to the pimp
That killed the pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

This is the lubricant
That covered the condom
That covered the dick all dry and limp
That's attached to the pimp
That killed the pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

This is the man whose balls do slant
Who made that wonderful lubricant
That covered the condom
That covered the dick all dry and limp
That's attached to the pimp
That killed the pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

This is the pissed off poet
Who slaughtered the man whose balls do slant
Who made that wonderful lubricant
That covered the condom
That covered the dick all dry and limp
That's attached to the pimp
That killed the pervert
That fucked the slut
Who used the dildo
That lay in the house that Jackoff built.

Now there ain't no one to touch that pissed off poet with a ten-foot pole
so I ain't goin no further.

Little Bo-Poop has lost that goop
That she used to lubricate her cunt;
Go buy some more you out-of-date whore
Now finger yourself and grunt.

All work with no foreplay makes Jack a dull boy;
All play and no work makes Jack a wonderful sex toy.

A dildo, a doIlar,
A sex-crazed scholar.
What makes you cum so soon?
You used to cum at ten o'clock,
But now you cum at noon.

i was licking my woodblock- feeling for splinters- in the dimlight swinging of the shadows of the basement. musky smell et al. musky tongue licks it all. hands gripping in frustration at the crotch of my jeans. oh how i'd like to rub one out. damny daddy, in the corner, watching. oh how i'd like to rub one out right now. i hate the woodblock, i hate it's lusty driedbirch taste, i hate the bulging erection, bloodflow muscleclench, i love i love my daddy. the basement et alibi.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
Mother Hubbard went to the counter and Rover did mount her
And slipped her a bone of his own.

Rover slipped to the ground with a loud thumping sound
Mother Hubbard feared Rover was dead.
She fell to the floor like a bedraggled whore
And she started to give Rover head.

Ole Rover jumped up, that good little pup
And called Mother Hubbard a witch.
"No human sucks my dick, that's utterly sick
Now get the fuck out you damned bitch!"

Here I go round your sweet juicy bush,
Your sweet juicy bush, your sweet juicy bush,
Here l go round your sweet juicy bush,
Then RAM my cock in your chasm.

Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub.
Sickening.

Rub-a-dub-dub
Three fags in a tub
And how do you think they got juked?
The bitcher
The jacker
The horny Pud-Whacker
They all jumped out of a rotten tuna fish,
T'was enough to make a man whack till he puked.

Itsy Ditzy spider
Climbed up a uteral spout
Out CAME the CUM and shot the spider out;
In came the dildo
And dried up all the juice
And the Itsy Ditzy spider
Was looser than a goose.

Hickey-my, Lickey-my Dick.
My brother is a prick
He pulIed his pants down
And really went to town
Hickey-my, Lickey-my Dick.

Yankee Do-Me came in town
Riding a loose slut
She bent over, gave him head
And bit off his left nut.

put my words in the mouth of someone beautiful- give them weight, make them memorable. i don't know: why can't you separate the ugliness of the person from the letters on the screen? didn't wonder why i was always picked last because i knew, i knew terribly and every time. didn't wonder why i was repulsive because i knew what it meant to be repulsed, i knew what it meant to be a rocketship bouncing off every star, burning every time, violent jolting heartskips off the beat, goodness God-less what a treat~~

This is the sad story of Tom... Yes, the story of Tom is sad. And this
sad story is about Tom, for Tom's story is truly sad. And so, we now begin the
Tom's sad story...

Tom was a bater. Just what the hell is a bater? Well, lets put it this
way, the word is a derivitive for a word that names a certain act that when
performed supposedly grows hair on your palms or makes you go blind. Yes, my
friends, Tom was a mastur-bater. Not only was he a masturbater, he was THE
Master Bater! Yes! Noone could whack like Tom could! He was the best damn
fist fuck in the whole town! Why, it was even said, that his fist was better
than any pussy in the world if you lubed it enough!

>>9072665
Ok, so, Tom the Bater desperately wanted to become a de-bater, but he was
addicted... Oh, he just HAD to have his morning whack! He came over breakfast,
in the shower, hell, he even beat his meat at school during films! That feeling
of sexual relief, the temporary ending of his lustful sexual cravings! It was
the best thing that had ever happened to him!
He could not stop.
None of the warnings did him any good...
"You'll go BLIND" his dad said.
"You'll grow HAIR on your palms" his mom said.

>>9072678
He paid no attention, he heeded nothing but the craving for more bating.
It was his life. He especially liked to cum all over himself, smearing it as
far as it would go, onto every square inch of body part he could.
This went on for a very long time... Tom bated with some of the kinkiest
techniques available...He tried Coke bottles, paper-towl cardboard thingies,
hollowed out bars of soap, his mattress, his wall, Plastic Pussies, hell, he
even went so far as to suck his own dick to bring the ejaculation...

>>9072689
But. . . Apparently one of the rumors he had heard was partially correct,
and a problem soon developed... It seems that the cum WAS causing hair growth.
Lots of it... Much more accelerated than normal... At first, he thought it was
just maturity, because he developed a bush that the most unshaven bimbo would
stand in awe of.
Yet it did not stop there. It slowly spread its way down the inside of his
legs... And then it came (npi) up his stomach... He had smeared it on his
chest, and rapidly, hair was growing on it. He creamed it all over his face,
and his face was soon a furry mass......

>>9072700
None of which would have been so bad...Except this was no ordinary hair.
lt was...Runaway Pubic Hair! (Lots of reverb on that) Yes! All the hair he
was growing was PUBIC hair! The tightly curled mass of brown oily hair was all
over his body! And the more he shaved it, the quicker it grew back! Soon his
legs were shaggier than his dogs, he had to shave his face seven times a day and
even then it his face was hardly ever truly shaven! He soon found himself
wearing larger shirts, because the hair on his abdomen had gotten so thick his
normal shirts would no longer fit!

>>9072711
It spread to his back, and all over his ass! Down his legs and even onto
his feet! It grew into his ears and his nose! It took over his scalp and his
head of hair was now pubic hair!
And before anyone knew what the hell was going on, Tom was nothing but a
big ball of ever growing runaway pubic hair.

>>9072727
You better stop bating, little kiddies.

According to the theory of evolution, we began as single celled things
and have progressed steadily into our glorious present-day form. And, while
this theory does account for our body shape and does, indeed, make perfect
sense, something about us does NOT make sense.
The size of our brains and the power therein.
Science estimates that we use only about 5 to 10 percent of our brain's
true capabilities.
When was the last time you knew nature to use overkill?
Scientists will tell you that everything in nature has a reasonable and
logical explanation, even if they have not yet discovered what that
explanation is. They will also tell you that nature does not use overkill.
Why are our brains the size they are?

>>9072755
It would seem very obvious that our brains are designed to do much more
than we do with them today. Science admits that they can do so.
Evolution does not mean intuition. Possible futures are not considered
and planned for in natural evolution. What this means is that nature did
not, millions of years ago, decide that we should have an extremely powerful
brain because at some point in the future we might learn to use it.
On the contrary, by the theory of evolution, our brains should not have
been very powerful originally. Their complexity and capabilities were
developed as they were needed.

>>9072759
Why does science seem to think that we are evolving INTO our brains'
power? Their own theories do not allow for any more than two possibilities
for why our brains can do what they can.

1 - Evolution is a bunch of horseshit and our development is being
planned and controlled by an outside influence.

2 - At one time in our past, we used the full potential of our brains.

The first possibility appeals to those with religious and metaphysical
interests...and also to those morbid few who consider us to be a laboratory
experiment for aliens from Mars.
Science will immediately discount controlled "evolution" because humanity is very arrogant and does not like to think that it has been manipulated in any way.

>>9072777
Christianity would obviously love to believe that evolution is all wrong
and that we have the brains because God gave them to us. Of course, even
they cannot explain why he would give us something we don't use, unless it
was yet another plot of Satan.
The alien-screamers that find us to be lab experiments could be on to
something, you know. Consider it...look at the way we treat species that we
deem as 'lesser'. The universe has existed for billions of years. Life
would not develop on a single planet. Other civilizations, other entire
species, could and should have developed. Suppose they consider, rightly,
that we are a lesser species? Suppose we are an intergalactic toy that a
manufacturer is trying to find the proper form for. Or perhaps our form
changes with the desires of the marketplace on Crunon.
Many metaphysical (and Native American) teachings would say that our
bodies were developed through controlled evolution by our spirits/souls,
guides, whatever. Non-physical entities that wanted good bodies to
incarnate into. That is the most logical of any argument for controlled
evolution, even though the existence of a non-physical reality is shunned by
science.

>>9072787
The most logical and reasonable explanation of all for why our brains
"are the way they are" is that at one time in our past we were able to use
them to their full extent.
Many ancient civilizations talk about even greater past civilizations.
All have heard of Atlantis, and most of Lemuria. Supposedly once-great
empires whose technology surpassed that of our wildest dreams. The
Egyptians do not claim to have built the Great Pyramid. It was supposedly
built before they came along. Some say it was built by Atlanteans when
their continent was being destroyed. (And some also say they were destroyed
by nuclear explosions).

>>9072800
Now, you may be laughing at the thought of any earlier civilization
having any problems at all with nuclear explosions, but there are
'manuscripts' we have found from archealogical digs (I forget where and what
civilization they come from) that describe exactly what a nuclear explosion
is like and does. Exactly. Science does not normally believe in prophecy
or seeing-the-future. Could some primitive sheep-herder, in all his fear of
what's out there, describe the fusing of rock and the exact effects of
radiation poisoning? The mushroom cloud? Could he have been psychic and
seen what was to come?
Science says no. Science says he could only describe what he could have
seen or been told about. Science says he could only have been told about it
if someone somewhere sometime had experienced it.
Aliens telling us what happens when you play with atoms? Not likely.
Humans travelling back in time to tell a mountain man not to delve into
nuclear phsyics? Less likely.

>>9072813
At some time in the past, man must have had the experience of a nuclear
explosion. (Come to think of it, this particular manuscript described a
small-scale war) Our imagination is good, but how good would a sheep
herder's have been? What are the chances of him guessing everything and
being entirely correct? Even science would laugh at that chance. Man would
have to have had nuclear power in order for this man to have been able to
write about an explosion.
The Greeks had different "ages" of man...Gold, Silver, down to Iron.
Their concept of evolution is opposite of ours. They felt we were once
absolutely great, but have been steadily going downhill. By their stages,
we are the Iron Age of people, the worst to exist on the planet in it's
entire history, the last Age to exist on the planet.
Environmentalists, Native Americans, and other such people who care about
the planet and life as a whole, would agree with the Greeks. We're pretty
dispicable.

>>9072834
But our moral state has nothing to do with this. The Greeks felt we were
once more developed. Our brains have capabilities undreamt of. They would
not have such capabilites unless they were, at one time, in use.
Perhaps the Ancient Greeks, the Hopi Indians, and others that discuss
civilizations greater than we can currently hope to be, are on to something.
If we are to believe in the theory of evolution, we, at one time, were
able to use the full powers of our brain. We would not have been given
something we could not use. Something must have happened to destroy our
knowledge of how to use our very own brains. We are just now beginning to
evolve back into an understanding of what we MUST have at one time been able
to use.

>>9072861
What existed before? What happened to it?

Our technological advances increase logarithmically. Perhaps we will
soon be at the same level that the prior civilizations were.

Will history repeat itself?

"Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it."

What do we know of our past?

What can we guess about our future?

>>9072800
>>9072813
>>9072834

It would take far too long to shovel past all the bullshit you keep throwing, so i will simply call it bullshit and bid you a good day.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING, Hans?" his mother asked.
"To Gretel's," Hans replied.
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel," Hans said.
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretal gave him a needle.
"Good-bye, Gretel," Hans said
"Good-bye,Hans."
Hans took the needle, stuck it in the hay wagon, and walked home behind
the wagon.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a needle."
"Where'd you put the needle, Hans?"
"Stuck it in a hay wagon."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have stuck it in your sleeve."
"Doesn't matter. I'll do better next time."

>>9072875
K.

"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretal gave Hans a knife.
"Good-bye, Gretel."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans took the knife, stuck it in his sleeve, and went home.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a knife."
"Where'd you put the knife, Hans?"
"Stuck it in my sleeve."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have put it in your pocket."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."

>>9072888
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretel gave Hans a kid goat.
"Good-bye, Gretel."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans took the goat, tied its legs together, and stuck it in his pocket.
By the time he got home, the goat had suffocated.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a goat."
"Where'd you put the goat, Hans?"
"Stuck it in my pocket."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have tied the goat to a rope.
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."

>>9072898
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretel gave Hans a piece of bacon.
Hans took the bacon, tied it to a rope, and dragged it along behind him.
The dogs came and ate the bacon. By the time Hans arrived home, he had the
rope in his hand but nothing attached to it anymore.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a piece of bacon."
"What have you done with the bacon, Hans?"
"Tied it to a rope, dragged it home. Dogs got it."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have carried the bacon on your
head."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."

>>9072755

>Science estimates that we use only about 5 to 10 percent of our brain's
true capabilities.

:|

>>9072909
"Where are you going, Hans?"
"To Gretel's, mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place."
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
"Gretel gave Hans a calf."
"Good-bye, Gretel."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans took the calf, set it on his head, and the calf kicked him in his
face.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a calf."
"What have you done with the calf?"
"Put it on my head. Kicked me in my face."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have led the calf to the
stable
and put it in the stall."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."

>>9072918
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
"I'll come along with you," Gretel said."
Hans took Gretel, put a rope around her, led her into the stable, tied
her
to a stall, and threw her some grass. Then he went to his mother.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got nothing. She came along."
"Where have you left Gretel?"
"Led her by a rope and tied her up in the stall and threw her some
grass."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have thrown friendly looks at
her with the eyes."

>>9072925
Hans went into the stable, cut out the eyes of all the cows and sheep,
and
threw them in Gretel's face. Then Gretel got angry, tore herself loose, and
ran away. That was how Hans lost his bride.

Odd. Whilst sitting here tonight I got the urge to go canoeing. Of all the
wonderful things I could be doing, of all the women I could be sleeping with,
of all the mixed drinks I could be chugging, I wanted to go CANOEING. And I
will follow this notion. I want to go canoeing damnit, I want to go NOW.

I will take along my dog. Yes, er, my rabbit too. Why not bring the computer
and a cellular phone? I go to the lake. Odd. The fish are purple and green.
There are aliens everywhere. The entire Unsolved Mysteries crew is here. Hey,
I will be on TV next week. I do not want to die. So I will go canoeing now.

>>9072948
Excuse me, I must urinate before I go. Tinkle tinkle SPUTTER SPLAT. Sorry,
I killed a carp and a basking turtle. But it is nighttime. So I am paddling.
I'll call Tudor Nightmare Village. <beep beep beep> dials my phone. There
is a logon screen. "If you are reading this then your modem is malfunctioning."
Oops. Maybe they're right. I'll hang up. After all, I'm here to canoe. Why do
I get these strange urges to do odd things in the middle of the night? I will
paddle. Pop some No-Doz to keep awake. Paddle. Damnit this monotonous paddling
shit sucks. I'll pull out my trolling motor cause this paddling SUCKS. Wow.
Aren't we having fun?

>>9072964
I'll fix a cup of coffee. Maybe that'll keep me awake. And get some Coffee
Mate to cream it up a little. Slurp. Oh SHIT that wasn't COFFEEMATE! That
was fuckin LSD! Oh shit, I'm gone now. Please identify my body when I'm found
dead, floating at the top of the river being decomposed by little aquatic
fucks who think I'm fish food. Oh shit why do I do these things? I'm halfway
asleep and I'm about to go on an LSD trip. Whoa demons. Where's this? I'm
in HELL? I'm a cockroach. They're fumigating. Pssshhhhhhh the spray is every
where. I'm feeling lightheaded. I'll go for a swim and let the boat catch up
with me.

>>9072969
Gurgle is this WATER? Hello fish. I'm horny. Let's make passionate love.
Nah, I'd rather have a nice snapping turtle. Why am I gasping for air?
I think I'm drowning. Nah, I'm just a little FUCKED UP right now. I can't
see! I'm on an island. And there are Chinese hookers all around begging to
suck one of my many dicks. I have a DICK growing out of my NOSE! And some
Russian whore is riding it like no tomorrow! But I am canoeing, so I pay no
attention to the nasal sex. It can't happen. It's anatomically impossible.
But how then, is my foot coming out of my ear? Nevertheless I am canoeing.
I will call up the LL Cool J 9-line. No, I am out of my calling range. So
I'll call Dial-A-Porn. Who the fuck needs LL Cool J anyway?

>>9072979
Hello, is this Hot Sex? Yeah, I'm in a canoe right now and I... no really,
I'm calling from a fuckin canoe! You don't believe me? Well here. I'll put the
phone in the fuckin water and let you FUCKIN hear the FUCKIN FISH! <Splash>
Damn I feel funny. I think I am electrocuting myself. But no matter. I am
canoeing and pretty fucked up I must say. Fuck the phone I don't need it.
Ooops it's hooked around my ankle so I'm drowning now. Gurgle gurgle. Wait,
give me a minute and I'll pull into this marina here and buy some rope to
pull me up out of the water. I buy some rope and save myself from drowning.
But the man putting gas in my canoe is a demon with 9 heads. Wait the fuck.
This is a canoe! I don't need GAS! <Fart> but I have gas. That triple-beef
extra-cheese double-pan pizza didn't help too much. Neither did the box of
No-Doz and that shit I THOUGHT was CoffeeFuckinMate. But I think I'll call
up Ripco from my canoe. Yeah, like is this Ripco? Well I'm in a fuckin
canoe in the middle of the Amazon River an... what? You don't believe me
either? Well FUCK you!

>>9072990
I'm really high now. I think I'll drink some takela to calm me down. Aaah
that's better. Oh my dog wants some. Here pooch, don't get too drunk. Want
some PCP? Nah. I love my dog. Fuck me dog. I'll fuck my dog now. Don't be
rude. Close your eyes and don't peek while my dog and I fuck. <Whumpa whumpa
BARK WOOF!> Aaah there's nothing like fresh dog cum to make a lovely serene
canoe trip. Hey how's this? I'm on two trips at once. Did I forget to mention
I accidentally took LSD instead of Coffeemate? Well hey, it's a common fuckin
mistake. I'll tie my dog to the bow of the boat and let her pull the boat
in her teeth. <WOOF!> I hope I didn't kill the poor thing. Damnit I'm going
to kill myself. Yeah I know it's not as much fun as a canoe trip but I'm bored.
I'll just take this nice little revolver and BOOM I'll be on a third trip.
A death trip. Fuck you I know I'm talking to myself again.

>>9072998
Nah I won't do that. How's it holding pooch? I think I'm coming off my
LSD trip now. The demon in front of my forehead is becoming much less blurry
now. Yeah, that's it. I think I am going to live. If I can just remember
where the FUCK I live... yeah, I live back up the river some hundred miles
or so. I'll just pack all this shit up and ride my skateboard back home.
I'll stand up and see if I can catch some fresh ai..

>>9073003
[The canoer was inadvertently killed when his dog, in retaliation for such
cruelty, shot the canoer three times in the groin area and stated that all
dogs will be liberated and the canoer fell into the river and drowned.]

Death turns me on.
The terror...like hanging off a cliff with one hand that wants tolet go
but can't...makes me hard. It's sexual. To me.
I don't masturbate. I share an experience as erotic as dying, with
someone else. Their eyes opened wide with fear...like those of a cow that
somehow knows the club is for bashing its skull in...you can see a man's
soul in his eyes, he won't tell you no lies...not as he dies.
I'm purely homosexual. Women, they don't turn me on. They scream. I
can't get hard when I have a headache.
But a man...he tries to fight back. And as he lays there bleeding, and
sees me as I Am, Sower of the Seeds of Death, he doesn't scream. He moans.
Oh god, what a dreaful, soul rending moan it is! It's almost as good as
his eyes...I have to strain to keep myself from climaxing when the Moan
starts.

>>9073054
I couldn't hold it back at first...not when I was virgin...My first time,
a girl. A stupid, silly, screaming bitch. It turned me on the first
time...after slitting her throat...watching her claw at the air, trying to
grab some oxygen...shoving her head into the aquarium...she didn't know how
to use her new found gills.
Maybe the blood was hard to breathe.
But I came too soon. Before I ever knifed her. Her eyes...they turned
me on. I'd never seen such an exquisitely erotic look. She was scared.
She knew she was gonna die.
Didn't know if she was gonna be roasting marshmallows with the Red Man
for all eternity. Didn't know if she believed in heaven.
She converted. Quickly. Never heard the name Jesus called on so much at
one time before.
Someone knows they gonna die, they're Instant Christian.

>>9073147
Like in the Inquisiton. Oh, those boys, ha!, they knew what they were
about! Their god, he was weak, needed souls to satisfy his power lust.
Millions of converts. Millions of sacrifices to a devil in a god's
clothing.
Me, I'm not so weak. Fuck Jesus. I hope I can remember to say that. I
want my last sight to be of a Father looking like somebody shoved his Holy
Sacrament right up his ass.
They think this is punishment, this "death penalty." I'll probably come
as I die. I hope they get it on film. I hope somebody's taking pictures.
They wanted me to stay on death row for twenty or thirty years. I don't
wanna die of old age. I told 'em to kill me now, while I was still young
enough to get a hard on over it.

>>9073164
They wait 20 years, I might learn to like the ass pumping that big black
queer in the next cell gets such a kick out of. He tried it on me, he got a
bigger kick than he expected.
No man wanna have his balls bit off. No man.
Shoulda seen the look in his eyes...he almost started the Moan...hell, if
he'd done that I probably woulda bent over and spread my cheeks.
The eyes...always the look in the eyes...it's intense. I never knew how
it felt to look like that. So I had the Warden put a mirror in here. I
wanna see my eyes as I die.
See if they're filled with the terror-calm.

>>9073179
The Warden and his bunch. I bother them. I make them very
uncomfortable. See, we're not so different, they and I. They don't like it
when they're little Jew wants to be thrown in the Oven.
They want me to cry, to beg. To whimper.
They want to hear the Moan.
I'll moan, alright. I'll moan with the best orgasm I've ever known. I
always wanted to die while having sex.
They don't understand it. No man s'posed to wanna die, wanna die NOW.
Man s'posed to wanna live long, get too old to get hard.
But no. They're like me. They don't want that. Send the "damned
System" to hell, these boys'd have daily executions for all their friends.
Circle jerk, that's what it's all about. A bunch of queers getting their
rocks off watching a man die.

>>9073194
I know what it's like. There's alot of energy in the air...and not just
from the chair. Male bonding, maybe. We all wanna see somebody die. Not
on TV, that's impersonal and cold. Like phone sex or something.
My problem was...I'm a nympho. I got horny. Got carried away. I had to
cut back on sex. Didn't have it for awhile. Bastard in Gainesville caused
some heat, had to slow down.
Ain't healthy for a man to go without sex. Makes a man crazy. Ask the
psychs. They'll tell ya.

>>9073216
Tried to say I was insane. Tried to get me to go along with them, to
keep me alive. Couldn't prove I was loony, except for wanting to die.
I waived my right to live...A man should never pass up great sex.
Man pass up sex, man gets horny.
Hell, everything get a man horny.
I got horny, went into a fraternity.
I got 14 of the bastards. Woulda got 14, but that joe had a cunt with
him...she screamed.
So I left.

>>9073234
And they narced. They're whyI sit in this Chair. The straps are kinky,
I never thought of using them before. I've got the biggest hard-on of my
life. I can see it in the mirror. I got a look in my eyes. I forgot to
tell the preacher. They're gonna throw the switch.
3..
2..
Death turns me on.

Goddamnit l hate you. Take it personally. Yes you there, reading your screen.
I hate your fucking guts so eat shit and die.

Jim was married to Melissa and their marriage sucked raw cow shit. Jim beat
Melissa, and Melissa burned Jim with lit cigarettes while he slept. It was
truly a marriage made in hell.
Jim came in from work and slammed his coat down on the floor. He picked up
a vase a hurled it across the room, narrowly missing Melissa as she entered
the room.
"God damn you bitch, I want a divorce!!!"
"Fuck you, your 'rhoids must be flared up again."
Jim picked up the newspaper, freshly rolled and tied with a rubber band,
from the couch and hurled it at Melissa, hitting her in her stomach, jostling
the baby within.

>>9073286

"You fucking son of a bitch I'm turning you in to the mother fucking cops
for this shit. This is YOUR damned little BRAT," she shouted as she planted
a fist into her stomach, and she felt the baby moving, "and the damned thing
wouldn't be there if you hadn't fucking gotten me drunk and fucked my ass!"
She picked up the phone to call the cops.
Jim walked over and ripped the cord out of the wall and began tying Melissa
to a chair with it.

>>9073292

"You whore-slut-bitch-damned-fuckstain, call the cops on me?" He ripped open
his shirt, revealing a number of small circular burn marks on his body. "I'm
calling the cops on YOU for THIS shit, and the fact that you smoke sure as
hell doesn't do you any justice you fucking bitch!" Jim made way into the
kitchen for another phone.
Melissa broke loose from the chair and cord in a raging fit. "You son of a
bitch, just because I smoke, that doesn't point the finger to me. How many
wives abuse their husbands? And how the fuck do YOU think you can ACCUSE me
of burning you like that?"
"You stupid ignorant fucking bitch, you fail to see the point. Fuck you.
You're so goddamned stupid it's not even funny."
Jim picked up a frying pan off the stove, full of hot grease, and whacked
Melissa over the head. She slumped to the floor, unconscious, with grease
burns on her neck.

>>9073301

Jim was taking a nice hot shower when he heard a rustling from outside.
"Must be those fucking dogs again." He resumed his shower.
Minutes later he heard a louder rustling, accompanied by a scratching
sound. He turned off the water and reached for a towel. He heard a loud popping
noise so clearly and distinctly that it seemed to be coming from within him.
He drew back the curtain. He felt something touching his body. It felt slimy.
It felt warm. Jim wiped his eyes in fear and looked down.
At his feet and half leaning on the faucet was his wife. Her head was gashed
and blood was flowing from her neck. In her weak state of energy she lift from
the floor a large meat cleaver. She struck him in his balls.
"OOOAOOAAOOAOAOUUUGUHGHGHGH you FUCKING BITCH!" He slumped to the floor of
the shower and groped at her head, in a dire effort to remove it from her body.
Melissa spoke in a far-off scraggly voice as if she were dead and her ghost
were speaking. "You bastard! You can sit there and call me stupid, you can
call me ignorant and knock me out cold, but goddamnit if you are going to sit
there and insult me as if you are GOD! DAMN...IT!"

>>9073317

With her last strain of violent ghastly energy she planted the meat cleaver
in Jim's skull, fracturing it and sending a spray of blood and chunks of
brain tissue all over the tub. She slumped into the wall and dropped the meat
cleaver. Jim showed few vital signs and was slumped next to the opposite side
of the faucet. His torn skull caught on the cold water tap, turning it on.
The shower filled with a dull pinkish mixture of water, blood, and brains.
Melissa knew she was dying, and felt herself being called out. She lit a
cigarette and took a very weak drag from it. The smoke began to fill the
steamy and stench-filled bathroom. She turned to Jim. She smiled at her works
accomplished and said, "Damn you, Jim." She felt herself being drawn from her
body as Death spead through her every limb.

>>9073329

And with her last strain of energy from This earthly World, she turned toward
the shower and slammed her arm down. The lit cigarette plunged through the
mangled scalp of Jim's head and burned its way through the grey matter right to
the very centre of Jim's brain. His body convulsed briefly, and Three Souls
were claimed by Death at Once.
Melissa had been grossly violated and mistreated by her husband. And her
job was accomplished. She and her child departed in peace. She wished her
earthly Jim damnation and Hell.

A LOUSE AND A FLEA KEPT HOUSE TOGETHER and were brewing beer in an eggshell
when the louse fell in and was scalded. The flea began to scream as loud as
he
could, and the little door to the room asked, "Why are you screaming, flea?"
"Because the louse has been scalded."
Then the door began to creak, and the little broom in the corner asked,
"Why are you creaking, door?"
"Why shouldn't I creak?

Louse has just got scalded.
Flea is weeping."

>>9073362
Then the broom began to sweep in a frenzy, and when a little cart came
driving by, it asked, "Why are you sweeping, broom?"
"Why shouldn't I sweep?

Louse has just got scalded.
Flea is weeping.
Door is creaking."

>>9073374
"Well, then l'm going to race around," said the cart, and it began racing
around furiously, and the dung heap, which it passed, asked, "Why are you
racing around, cart?"
"Why shouldn't I race around?

Louse has just got scalded.
Flea is weeping.
Door is creaking.
Broom is sweeping."

>>9073400
"Then l'm going to burn with fury," said the dung heap, and it began to
burn in bright flames. Then a little tree nearby asked, "Why are you burning,
dung heap?"
"Why shouldn't I burn?

Louse has just got scalded.
Flea is weeping.
Door is creaking.
Broom is sweeping.
Cart is racing."

>>9073417
"Well, then l'm going to shake myself," said the tree, and it shook
itself
so hard that all its leaves began to fall. Then a maiden with a jug came by
and asked, "Tree, why are you shaking?"
"Why shouldn't I shake?

Louse has just got scalded.
Flea is weeping.
Door is creaking.
Broom is sweeping.
Cart is racing.
Dung heap is burning."

Children are starving out on the streets while us Bourgeois are having sex with our food.

>>9073436
"Well, then l'm going to break my water jug," said the maiden, and as she
was breaking it, the spring from which the water came asked, "Maiden, why are
you breaking the water jug?"
"Why shouldn't I break it?

Louse has just got scalded.
Flea is weeping.
Door is creaking.
Broom is sweeping.
Cart is racing.
Dung heap is burning.
Tree is shaking."

>>9073467
"Goodness gracious!" said the spring. "Then I'm going to flow," and it
began to flow so violently that they were all drowned in the water- the
maiden,
the tree, the dung heap, the cart, the door, the flea, and the louse, every
last one of them.

"Ooh, I hope no one's around!" <Rip, shake rumble, pour><GRAB!>
"Nuh uh! No! Silly rabbit, Trix are for KIDS!"
Sick of this commercial? I am. The Trix Commercial. It sucks. It's stupid.
It's totally uninteresting because due to large misfortune, the true story of
the Trix Rabbit was covered up by Universal Studios in embarrassment. General
Mills cereal held its corporate heads in the shadows in shame. It went
something like this.

>>9073499
"Trix commercial, Take Two"
The bright, sparkling red box of Trix cereal sat eagerly waiting on the
cloth-covered table of the set. The children stood poised and ready just
outside the camera's view. The rabbit was unleashed and it bounded up to the
table, and snatched up the box greedily. It ripped off the top, dug its
hands into the bag, and JUMP! The children sprung onto the set, took away the
box, and chanted the ever-famous line: "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"
The cheap little bastards took the rabbit's cereal, poured it into a bowl of
juice from a cow's udders, and ate it. Talk about one pissed rabbit.
This commercial did not suit the director.

>>9073511
"Trix Commercial, Take Three"
A similar situation. This went on and on, over and over, until the rabbit
tamed himself and a 30-second commercial of perfection was reached. It aired
for 3 weeks. And the routine began again. This time a different set, a
different studio, same product in question. Trix cereal.
And again, as always, the Trix Rabbit did not get his cereal. Another
commercial of perfection, it aired this time for four weeks. The rabbit had
reached his peak of anger. But the millions of kids across the country to
whom this colorful commercial appealed, they knew not the personal feelings
of the rabbit; they did not know his side of the story, of his agony and
torture which the producers had put him through. He had tried so desperately
to contact Animal Rights Activists, but his success was none; no mail was
delivered from him by the greedy and money-hungry bastards of General Mills.
The embarrassment of "The Big G" occurred. Yes, it was covered up, the
story you never knew. The Trix Rabbit -- got his Trix.

>>9073520
On one particular shooting of the commercial the director and cameraman
met in a conference room to discuss some new footage with the children. The
rabbit came prepared; he had stolen an army-issue lockpick set and picked the
lock on his cage. He snuck to the set and investigated its every inch. Yes!
No one was around, no one was in sight. The Trix Rabbit stood alone on set
number five, in a fake kitchen setting with a real box of Trix cereal.
Greedy hands snatched the box. He leaped up onto the table and took a
pose of victory! He shouted a rabbit scream! And no one came!
He ripped the box open with a certain air of violence, and tore the paper
bagging with great victorious rips. He took out a handful of the crunchy cereal
and adorned his white body with its rainbow of splendor! Aaaah, that feeling
of power he had so longed for!
He pulled yet another handful and shoved it into his filled, drooling
mouth. He crunched, waiting for that perfect moment when all the fruity taste
of Trix Cereal would burst in his mouth, a watering flavor of ecstacy! The
moment came.

>>9073532
It sucked. The Trix cereal which he so glamourously ate fucking sucked
shit. It was the most awful and repulsive shit he had ever eaten in his
life of pain.
All his life! All his fucking damned life he had waited for the proud
moment where he would finally get his damned Trix cereal, and it turned
out to be a hoax. All the commercials, all the publicity. LIES! LIES! Millions
of children led into a false sense of security with a cereal that delivered
nothing which it promised. It was not fruity, and delicious, and mouth-watering
good, it tasted like cardboard, like dried rotten cardboard. It fucking sucked.
The rabbit felt as if everything he had lived for was lost. Gone.

>>9073539
The Trix Rabbit stood in utter disappointment on Set Number Five of
Universal Studios.
He drew a Derringer.
He shot himself.

Once there were three perverted goats named Rough.
They wished to go into the sleaziest part of town and eat the warm sweet
pussy that roamed there. They were very horny and hadn't had sex in a long
while, and there was no pussy on their side of town.
But there was a bridge over which they pass to reach the sleazy pussy-filled
section of town, and under the bridge which they must cross lived a smelly
old nigger.
"I will go first," said the little perverted goat, and he started across
the bridge.
'Trip trap trip trap' went the bridge.
"Who in THE hell goes trppin out ova my BRIDGE ya damn sonuva bitch?!"
roared the nigger.

>>9073579


"It's I Cuz - I'm the little dildoed goat Rough," said the little perverted
goat. "I go up into the sleaziest section of town and eat the sweet pussy."
"I think I'll eat you," said the nigger.
"Oh don't do that Mr. Nigger," said tthe little goat. "My bigger brother
is coming. You'd better eat him."
"Arright den, getcha ass outta here!" said the nigger, and the little goat
hurried on, 'trip trap trip trap' over the bridhe and into the sleazy side
of town to eat some pussy.

>>9073592


Soon after, the next dildoed goat Rough came along.
'Trip trap trip trap' went the bridge.
"I mean who da FUCK goes trippin out ova my BRIDGE?" roared the nigger.
"Yo man, it's me. I'm the second dildoed goat Rough. I'm going on over
here into this sleazy side of town to eat some pussy with my brother."
"I think I'll eat you," said the nigger.
"Oh don't eat me. My big brother is coming. You'd better eat him. I want
pussy, I don't got time to be fuckin around here with a sweaty smelly
nigger like you."
"Well get da hell outta here assho! You pissin me off!" said the nigger,
in a half-jive dialect.

>>9073612


But just then up came the BIG dildoed goat Rough.
'TRIP TRAP TRIP TRAP' went the bridge.
"Now I say who in THE fuck is so dumbassed enough to be a'crossin my
damned BRIDGE?" roared the nigger.
"It's me motherfucker. I'm the big dildoed goat Rough. I go up into the
sleazy section of this town to eat good quality pussy."
"Now I'm a'comin up there and eatin yer ass gadamnit I'm sick o'dis shit!"
roared the nigger, pulling himself up onto the overpass. He wore around his
sweaty neck a Free Africa symbol.
"Come on then you smelly fuckin nigger!" said the big dildoed goat Rough,
who had a great hoarse voice of his own. He lowered his pants and, when the
nigger climbed up on the bridge, he showed the nigger his humongous fifteen
inch cock. The nigger couldn't believe that anyone, or anyTHING, that
wasn't black could have such a big big dick. The nigger fell to his knees
and changed into a stone. The big dildoed goat Rough kicked the shit out of the stone and knocked it over the bridge and onto the road below. He killed a
few passing pedestrians.

>>9073627


If you travel all over the country you'll noticed that everywhere that the
pavement is black. That's because the stoned nigger broke into several million
little pieces and his raunchy sweat bonded him with the road. Economists
found this a very inexpensive way of polluting the air, thereby killing the
ozone layer, and a good way to protect roads for rain and sleet. They ordered
the mass production of Nigger Powder (commonly called asphalt) by using a
laser-based process on imported niggers from Africa. James Brown is scheduled
to be used in a pothole in front of the White House sometime before the end
of the century.
And the big dildoed goat Rough went 'TRIP TRAP TRIP TRAP' over the bridge
and up into the sleazy section of town to eat pussy.
And if the sleazy sickening pussy is not all eaten, licked, sucked, fucked,
and raped, the three brother dildoed goats Rough are eating there yet.

Joe was mentaI. Mental was Joe, and Joe was a very mental kid. Joe was a
rapist. He had been tried and convicted several time, yet Joe was still
mental. After his fourteenth conviction, Joe finally realized what a freak
he was and decided to settle down on a small farm. Oh well, such as life,
the altered mentality still remained in Joe. Once a rapist, always a rapist.
But Joe knew how to curb his urges for bondful sex.

>>9073672
Joe was not only mental but a lazy ass fuck. He often ate out (and no, not
in his wakked out sexual sense either), and his favorite hangout was
McDonald's. He somehow craved himself on the grease and fat and caloric foods
prepared at such an establishment.

>>9073705
But as all good establishments go, you've got to have willing and desperate
souls to manage and run these facilities of junk food. Christina was such a
soul. She had started at age sixteen, something to do after school to earn
her some money to pay for a car. Christina sacked them damned burgers hard too,
and by George she EARNED that car. She bought herself a sharp little red
Honda Prelude.

>>9073715
Joe got to know Christina. And everyone else in the joint as a matter of
fact, he ate there so damned much. Christina often wondered if Joe was not
a total wasteoid from eating all that sickening food. Nah, she thought, he
couldn't be. He was too polite and he didn't SEEM wakked out. She did not
however know his past record of rape.

>>9073728
Joe found out Christina's story of working at McDonald's to buy her car.
Joe knew that the car was quite expensive, and learned that in her work life
she had been promoted to Head of the Night Shift. Or what the hell ever the
little Ronald McDonalds that work there call it. That had helped her to build
her savings toward her car.

>>9073745
Joe's urges returned. He had to get to know Christina better. He indirectly
invited himself over to her house by manipulating and guiding their
conversations. He went to her house one Friday night and found that no one
was home. His urges came on stronger than ever. He tried to push them away.
He began talking to her about her sex life, and found out that she wasn't
very active. Ah, a TIGHT BITCH he thought to himself and the urges overwhelmed
him. Why hell she wanted it just as much as he did. They found that out quick
when he rammed his hand down through her laced panties and felt that her
pussy was dripping wet. They went to the bedroom and he dimmed the lights.
They stripped quickly and began sucking and licking each other all over. They
were not into "love making"; each believed in "bang me hard or it's no good"
sex. So Christina lay spread-eagled on the bed and Joe punced on her, mounted
her, slid his erect and rock-hard cock into her. He banged her hard and banged
her good, they both came hard and the orgasms conked them out. They fell
asleep soon after the hard sex, naked and completely hormonal.

They awoke the next morning and Christina woke up Joe by sucking on his dick.
She told him how good he was last night. Joe rose to his feet and shoved his
erecting dick into her mouth and she gave him head. He again came hard then to
piss her off he briskly left for his home. She loved his sexuality, his rapist
tendencies turned towards practical use. Damn't he was running low on money,
buying shit constantly at McDonald's. If he weren't even hungry he would go
just to see Christina. He finally got tired of money loss and made a deal
with her.

>>9073759
Joe in all his psychopathicness made a deal with this little McDonald's
hostess and Night Shift Manager. He said he would bang her all the time
if she would give him free hamburgers. Christina reluctantly said yes; she
would get into so much trouble if caught but OH! How she wanted Joe's hard-up
straight-forward bang-me-dirty sex.

One day Joe went in and ordered two Big Macs. Christina tried to take his
money but Joe lowered his head and winked slyly at her. "Aaaahh yes sir just
a moment". She went to the back and motioned him to come to the employee door.
She slipped him out the two Big Macs and a note. Joe went to his car and got
in. He slipped open the note. It said "Meet me at the Kinks-R-Us Singles
bar tonight at 8". At the bottom of the note was a large lipstick print of
Christina's lips.

Joe managed through the rest of the afternoon, constantly hard, craving
Christina's cunt. Finally 8 rolled around and he was by no chance late to
Kinks-R-Us. He walked in and saw Christina sitting on a barstool across the
room. He saw her and she lifted what little of miniskirt she had on. Joe
could see up her thigh that she was wear no sort of underpants. He went over
and sat next to her and bought her a drink. In fact he bought her several
drinks. He wanted it kinky, he wanted her DRUNK. He didn't want her to the
point of "puke and pass out" so he moderated the amount she had. They left
the bar.

>>9073781
Joe drove Christina, a drunken Christina, to the beautiful springtime
countryside. lt was around 10pm now, and it was pitch black. Joe parked
the car up an abandoned road. He carried Christina from the car to the edge
of a newly plowed field. He found a spot in an area near some trees that
had soft dirt and smooth leaves. He lay Christina on the ground. She was
laughing in her drunken bliss and ripped her tight TIGHT leather miniskirt
from her body. She slipped her blouse off and fought to unhook her bra. Joe
helped her get it off and slipped her panties to the ground. Joe sat down and
began removing his own damned clothes; Christina was running around laughing
like a small child. She ran over to Joe and stuck her wet hairy pussy in his
face. He licked it and drove his tongue deep into her. She moved away and
began doing cartwheels. Joe walked up to her and grabbed her. She stopped
suddenly and looked serious. It last no more than a few seconds. Joe rammed
his long hard eager dick into her and she became seious again. He removed it
and threw her on the ground. She spread her legs and began fingering herself
screaming "Do it to me Joe, fuck me oh fuck me please I WANT your DICK
Joe!" Joe "inserted tab A into slot B" and began to slowly fuck her. Horny
as hell, the two were slowly going at it; teasing their hormones. Finally
Joe felt himself getting so damned horny and began pumping his thighs, ramming
his dick in and out, in and out until he came so hard his eardrums popped.
He allowed Christina to lick his dick. He tongued her sweet wet cunt and
finally he dressed himself, well, he dressed her too, she was too far bombed
and asphyxiated from some damned good sex.

He drove her home and put her to bed. Hell she was already asleep. He left
and went home. The next day he did not fail, he made his rounds to McDonalds.
Again he put two Big Macs on his Sex Credit and left.

>>9073797
Needless to say that night they again had some hot horny sex. And every
night afterwards. He banged her for burgers, and he would never go hungry
again. In more ways than one.

How oh how does a Fetus keep himself clean, while moping around in a bitch's
womb? Once the Mighty Fetus miscarriages it and breathes into it life of
destruction, how does it cleanse its underdeveloped body?

Tonya was a decent looking loose slut and on this Fetal Night as any other
she was fucking her boyfriend Cal. Cal was ramming all ten inches of cock
in and out of Tonya's loose cavernous twat. Tonya had her powerful orgasm
and clench her eyes shut and screamed. As she finished her orgasm, she noticed
Cal had suddenly stiffened and she thought he must be conked out from their
fuck. She opened her eyes and screamed in horror. Cal lay dead, his now-dead
and stiff dick still wedged in her. She pulled herself away from him before
she closed up and locked on him. A bloddy disgusting fetus was hopping around
on Cal's back. There was a nice big gaping hole in Cal's back, from which
the fetus had removed a handful of intestines. "La la la la" the fetus uttered
as it bathed the gore off of itself with the intestines. He took a big bite,
and slurped in all the gastric juices and chewed them for awhile. He looked
up and saw a naked screaming Tonya. The fetus spat the gook and acid and
Tonya's face, and it sizzled away at her flesh and consumed it. Tonya slumped
to the floor, dead. The fetus ripped a gaping hole in her stomach and jumped
in. He used her digestive system as a bathing hole, pulling the digested
slop of food from her stomach and pouring it all over itself.

But that is not all.

seriously what the fuck is this shit

>>9073850
Another of Fetus the Mighty's servant miscarriages traveled to the local
place of shopping, and located the most noticable place in the whole mall.
The center sitting area. Oh LOOK! There's SANTA CLAUS, in his little house
talking to all the litte kiddies. The fetus jumped on the stage and squirmed
across it. The people of the mall shrieked in terror of the unsightly little
lump. The fetus scrambled to its knees and puked acidic bile all over Santa's
"workshop", disintegrating it, Santa, and the kiddies within. Parents scurried
in all directions, afraid for their children. Fetus stood in the center of
the now empty stage, cackling hysterically through its undeveloped larynx.
It grabbed its undeveloped penis and stretched it outward from its body.
Excreting a urine-like waste from the penis, the fetus washed itself clean of
the bile and sawdust (it had covered it when it vaporized the workshop). It
then began masturbating and it shot a deadly acidic semen all over the crowd
of the onlooking shoppers. It then disppeared.

That's only two ways that fetuses clean themselves. Many take baths as normal
humans do.

>>9073867
Mary was bloody. Yes Mary was a Bloody Mary. She had had a miscarriage in
the bowl and flushed it down. She stood up and went to the sink to puke her
guts up. She was saddened and sickened, and collapsed in the floor in her
sorrow. She ran a tub full of lukewarm water and sat in the tub crying. She
sluggishly bathed herself, and turned to pick up a fresh bar of soap. She
turned back around and heard a gurgling in the commode. The miscarried
fetus climbed out and onto the rim with a slurping sucking noise. Mary cowered
to the wall, screaming her lungs out, puking some more white chunky substance
out onto the floor. The fetus leaped from the rim and landed with a splat in
the puke. He wallowed in it and drank some of it, eating the chunks. Mary
shrieked and went completely out of it. The fetus jumped in the tub and bathed
himself in the milky water. Mary continued to scream and tried to jump from
the tub. But no sooner did the fetus jump into Mary's vagina and crawl up into
her uterus. He bathed himself in the soft tissues surrounding the uteral walls.
He shoved both of his undeveloped arms deep into the Fallopian tubes and
with a mighty shove pushed its head through the top of the uterus, ripping it
clean. He climbed upward through Mary's diaphragm and around her stomach. He
pushed upward between her lungs and grasped her heart. He nibbled away at the
heart until finally he felt himself slam into Mary's ribcage as she fell dead
onto the floor. The fetus climbed back down on its venture back to Mary's
vaginal tract. The fetus climbed out and slid out the vagina. It slapped Mary's
clittoris on the way out. As the fetus slid across the floor it bounced up
into the tub and splashed down into the water. Shaking the soap tray, the soap
fell into the tub. The fetus noticed the word "Ivory" as the soap surfaced and
wandered down the tub. "It really floats!"

>>9073878
Fetuses love to take baths in bodily excretions. Feces, urine, puke, bile,
saliva, brain tissue, uteral discharge, you name it, they love it. Many
fetuses love to bathe in their acidic cum, or they'll slide into a used
condom and wallow away to their satisfaction.

If you see a lump of wriggling bloody mass, and it's wallowing around in
something that seems utterly disgusting to you, it's probably just another
miscarriage or abortion taking a well-deserved bath.

Slowly forming out of the murk, faces condense, moving and speaking, and
unfortunately for me, of all people, they had very bad breath. Echoing from
ear to ear in my spaced out cranium the words 'What happened?' scream. What
happened they ask? Oh it's pure horror!! Pure HORROR! I looked up and they
were stampeding! I tried to flee for my life but I couldn't move fast enough,
and I was crushed to a pulp by the moving mass!
I guess it all started when Kym showed up rather pissed about my giving
her name to a particularly promiscuous lass of the herd mother of 2000.(It was
a great year, that year of 86.)

>>9073905
"Why did you have to name her after me? WHY!"
"l just thought it'd be a way to honor your memory."
"That reminds you of ME?!? You're sick!"
"But I love you anyways."
"Get away from me!"

>>9073923
She got back in her Audi 5000 with her royally fucked up and wimpy engine
and drove off like the easy lay she is. As usual I dropped to the ground
laughing my balls off. Quite sometime later I heard from the other side of
the ranch a car, then the sounds of an automatic weapon. I look up and it was
Rambo Kym. Holding an M1 rifle and firing into the herd. I shouted "NO! Stop
you'll kill them!" just about that time they started stampeding and here I
am.. Wonder if I'll ever be able to raise earthworms again knowing now how
thoughtlessly they flee from crazies with fully automatic machineguns...

Susan was a strange young lady. She Iived a very desolate Iife, and
always seemed to possess a certain strange quality of deceit. She Iived
outside of town in a relatively large house, all alone.
On a cold, damp spring day when the sun had completely set, Susan
lit a candle beside her bed and prepared to go to sleep. She heard a popping
noise from upstairs (she slept in the basement most of the time) and went to
investigate its source. Upon arriving at the top of the staircase she
noticed that the back door was cracked open a few inches. She made no effort
to return to the basement, but proceeded to scope out the upstairs rooms.
She walked into the bathroom and clicked on the light, and found a large
burly man standing in the corner. He was holding a .44 with a rather long
barrel, which was pointed directly at Susan. "Alright bitch, let's go back
downstairs." Susan was a little hesitant, but with a nudge from the cold
steel barrel she hastened to the stairwell. They arrived at the foot of the
stairs, and the burglar ordered Susan to place all her money and valuables
in a paper sack, which he took from his trenchcoat and shoved into her hands.
Susan did not wait; she went over a chest of drawers and removed a small
box. In it was a thick roll of bills, which she dropped into the sack. She
told the criminal that this was the only thing of value she kept in the
basement. The criminal disagreed. "You haven't given me everything. Lay down
on the bed over there." Susan did so. "Now take off your clothes. Slowly
now. I want to see what I'm up against." Susan did so, although this time
she seemed very hesitant. A fire was welling up in her eyes, although it
went unnoticed by the criminal.

>>9074033
Susan stripped herseIf to complete nakedness.
The criminal removed his trenchcoat and removed his ragged and dirty shirt.
He dropped his torn jeans, and ripped down his underwear, revealing his
already stiffened dick. Susan scare turned to sarcastic hate. "What a nice
dick you have. I imagine it's be much bigger if you'd stop whacking off all
the time." The criminal got very angry and shoved the barrel of his gun
some inches into Susan cunt. "Hey bitch, don't get smart with me. This thing
won't stop down here. It'll keep right on going up that cute little body of
yours and rip your fucking brains out!!" Susan's fiery hate built at a steady
pace. The criminal stood at the end of the bed admiring the lips of Susan's
pussy.

>>9074045
As he climbed up onto the bed he heard a demonic roar. lt was not
a human sound; it sounded more Iike that of a beast in a horror fiIm. Susan
glared at him; the roar was coming from within her. Her face turned purple
and growled menacingly at him. The criminal stood dumbfounded, he could
not figure it out. Susan propped herself up on her hands, her back to the bed.
Her cunt was at the criminal's eye level. The lips of her twat spread
open wide, some two feet. In the chasmic hole nothing could be seen but a
redness of a burning fire. The criminal turned to run. Susan let out a final
roar as she heaved and thrusted her hips in and out. SLLLLLLOOOOOSSSSHHHHH!
A large something-or-other was hurled out of Susan's vagina, aimed directly
at the fleeing criminal. This something landed on his shoulders and looked
around into his face. It appeared to be an aborted fetus, for the criminal
did not have time to look. It ripped a gaping hole in the side of the
criminal's neck and climbed in. It clawed its way down through his torso,
through his abdomen, and into his large intestine. It crawled out the
criminal's anus and puked up a large ball of shit. With that the fetus, the
criminal, and all of the blood and gore disappeared into thin air, and
Susan reclothed herself. She blew out the candle and fell into a lulling
peaceful sleep.

We all have a little bit of musician in us. At least, all of the males
of the species do, and since we're superious, we're all that matters. Well,
not all of us can afford to buy a jammin' keyboard or a bad ass gee-tarrr, or
a harmonica or... OR.. Not all of us WANT one of the above.
Well.. For all of you headbangers out there, there is NOW an alternative
to expensive instruments. CATS! Yes! These fur balls are cheap ("Free To
Good Owner", you can act good for a LITTLE while cancha?), and they can make
the most wonderful sounds. . . Yer parents ever say you listen to Cat
Strangling music? Wellllll...They have the idea!

>>9074080
Yes! Go round up 7 cats. Not kittens, they're no good, you need full
grown cats, preferably female. All females should be used and abused, not
just the human bitches. Ok. Now, you go get a 2" by 8" piece of wood, about
3 foot long. Strap the cats to the board, side by side. You will also need a
rubber mallet.

Have all that? Good! Now.. The 7 cats correspond, obviously, to the
notes you can hit. Want a note? Hit a cat! From the left, the notes are
C-D-E-F-G-A-B, same with the damn cats. Want to play some music? Ok...

>>9074093
Slam the mallet into the cat's back! A somewhat hard hit will give you
the "middle octave". Hit 'em softer and you'll go down in octave, knock the
hell out of them and you can increase the octave. That's the simple part.

After a few hours of banging on the Feline Xylophone, you might want to
learn new tricks. Know the way guitarists can make their guitars screech,
using the bar? Welllll.. YANK on a tail of a cat and your screech will be
better than any guitar can ever be. The harder you do it, the higher the
screech goes. (Pitch bending works the same way)

>>9074099
Need a vibrato effect? Hold the cat's head with one hand, slam the
mallet into it with the other, and then shake the hell out of its head..
Vibrato!

Need the notes to sustain? When you hit the cat, push down on it and
force the air out of its lungs, it will carry the note for a long time, and
sounds pretty cool, too.

The harder and faster you hit, the better it'll sound. If you get really
good, like I am, you can do Slayer so good that not even THEY could tell the
difference!

It was always the most rotten shitty dreadful time when Pamela was on
the rag. She was always cranky, bitched at anything, everything, anyone,
everyone. While this would describe most women in this situation, Pamela
was different. Something about her made her the Spectacular Queen Bitch.

Pamela sat on the commode, discharging blood and loosened uteral tissues
at a steady rate, and screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs.
"I hate this damned fucking period thing! Why can't we just go fuck, have
kids, enjoy hot wet sex, and not squirt motherfucking blood and shit all
over the place every month of our lives?" A common heard gripe every month,
Pamela's husband Richard was sick of hearing it. Richard was not a violent
man but sometimes, during Pamela's premenstrual cramps, menstrual cramps,
and post-menstrual cramps (she was always a bitch), he would snap and beat
Pamela around the house, yelling and screaming at her, telling her to shut
the fuck up because he was sick and tired of this whole period thing.

>>9074142
One day Pamela was sitting in the bathroom bitching and discharging,
flushing, wiping, and bitching, and she felt this churning in her lower
abdomen. She ignored it at first, her bitching and yelling masked the
rumbling feeling out. The rumbling grew increasing more stern, and eventually
groaned at a steady pace. It was a feeling of discomfort to Pamela, so she
bitched about that. Pretty soon the pain became unbearable. "STOP THIS
FUCKING PAIN!" She raised her fist to eye-level, and proceeded to throw
a hard punch to the area below her stomach, and commanded the pain to stop.
Another punch. "Damnit to hell, STOP!"

>>9074174
With one finaI punch Pamela's fist
broke the skin of her abdomen and slid into her uteral cavity. Before the
shock could hit her something from within bit her fist off. She yanked
her bloody stump of an arm out from her uterus and examined it. Before she
could finish her scream of utter grotesque horror something slimy, no larger
than a Cabbage Patch Kid, thrusted itself out from the gaping hole below
Pamela's stomach and slithered around on the floor. Disgusted, horrified,
and nearing shock and nervous breakdown, the thing looked up at Pamela and
grinned. "Oh dear God it looks like... a FETUS!" How could this be?
Pamela was on the rag, she couldn't POSSIBLY be bearing a child! But before
she had time to give this idea a second thought, the fetus spoke. "Well well
mommy, time to die bitch!" With this the fetus dry retched on Pamela's legs.
The acidity of the vomitous emissions ate and sizzled at her legs, and she
let out a deathly screech. The fetus hopped on her head and nibbled at her
scalp, ripping small chunks and hair-covered flesh with its demonic claws.
It then thrust its tiny hand through the bones of Pamela's skull and removed
a handful of brains. "It's dinner time!" The fetus gulped down the brains and
leaned over Pamela's forehead. "I have a kiss for mommy!" The fetus placed
its lips over Pamela's right eye socket and gave her a kiss of death, sucking
out the eyeball and sinewy nerve cords.

>>9074235
The fetus jumped onto Pamela's lap and jumped up and down and continuously
chanted, "Mommy don't like me! Mommy don't like me!", all the while stomping
the lower half of Pamela's now-deceased body into the toilet. With a final
series of massive stomps, the fetus managed to cram Pamela's entire body into
the toilet. With a series of tugs on the handle, the fetus flushed Pamela's
mutilated body away into a series of pipes and sewage ducts, gone forever.
Its chant changed to, "The bitch is in the sewer! The bitch is in the sewer!"
As the water began to fill up in the toilet the fetus yelled "I want my mommy!"
and jumped into the toilet and slithered down the drain.

>>9074250
Richard walked into the bathroom to find out what in the hell was going on.
He saw the blood and chunks of fleshy material splattered about the bathroom.
He screamed. "PAMELA! WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU PAMELA? PAMELA!" At that time
his pants dropped on their own. He felt something heavy on his leg. He looked
down to meet his fate eye-to-eye. A fetus had buried its claw into his leg,
and was glaring up at Richard's face. "Bye bye daddy!" exclaimed the fetus,
as it proceeded to bite off Richard's genitals. Richard crumpled to the floor
in a ghastly yell, and the fetus join its sibling in the sewer, and slid
into the toilet.

Jim slept.
But he did not sleep good.
He was involved in a nightmare, a horribly terrifyingly real nightmare.
And he fucking loved it.
He was controlling the dream and trying his fuckingnest to scare the shit
out of himself.
Then it happened.
He saw a face the briefest of moments, then it was gone, and he was wide
awake. There he lay beside his wife.
"Damn bitch. She's pregnant. Probably not even your baby. Fucking
whore."
Where the hell did THAT thought come from? Who gives a shit. It was
probably right. Sleazy bimbo's probably screwing everything with a dick,
two legs or four.

>>9074309
That slut was fucking other men!
Damn her!
FUCK her!
He slapped the shit out of the bitch, knocking her out of the bed and
into the floor. She looked up, half asleep but fully terrified and in pain.
"Wh--wha-why--Jim!!"
"FUCK you! You goddamn WHORE! Who's the fucking bastard that got you
pregnant, slut?!?!!!"
"You did Jim!!"
"Calling me a fucking BASTARD? You stupid cunt! I'll make your loose
pussy pay for that shit! You call me a bastard and then go out fucking
everybody that'll have you!"

>>9074324
He jumped over the bed after her, picked her up and slammed her against
the wall, repeatedly.
"Who's" <slam> "FUCKING" <slam> "BABY" <SLAM> "IS IT?!?!?!!!!!?!?!?"
Blood began to run out of her mouth and nose.
"Oh you're gonna start fucking BLEEDING on me now, is that it? Well I'm
on to your damn bimbo shit, douche bag!!!"
He punched her in the nose, grabbed her ears and slammed her face down
into his kneecap. "How's THAT feel you self righteous FUCK?!?!!!??!???!?"
He threw her onto the bed and ripped her gown off her.
"Jim! You'll hurt the baby!!! Please stop!!!"
"FUCK you BITCH!!!"
He lunged for her and rammed his cock into her cunt.

>>9074349
"I hope the fucking baby CHOKES on it!!" He rammed her harder and
harder, she began to scream in pain, he was hurting her worse and worse.
"You're awful fucking LOOSE! Who you been fucking, those damned NIGGERS?
You like black cock bitch? You don't like white prick? You want a big
BLACK dick, is that it? Well I'll give you a damn fuck you'll never forget,
you mucous dripping cunt wad."
He reached over and grabbed the lamp from the bedstand.
"This'll fucking light up your whole DAMN life you damn WHORE!"
He shoved the lamp deep in her twat, the flesh ripping, blood beginning
to flow. "How's it FEEL bitch? You like 'em BIG? Is it BIG ENOUGH for you
NIGGER LOVER?!?!?!!!!?!?!? Want MORE? Fuck it BABY I'll give you all you
can take and more!"

>>9074394
He slammed a fist into the vase, shoving it deeper and deeper.
"You goddamned bimbo, want a fucking DILDO? I'll give you a fucking
electric dildo you'll always remember." He flipped the switch on the vase,
her body immediately went into convulsions, waves of electrocution coursing
through her body. He cut off the switch.
"Feel GOOOOOOD don't it cocksucker? You don't even SUCK good cock! I
had better head from you best friend! Yeah you damned blind bitch! I
fucked Rita every night for those two damned months you were in LA! HA you
cunt licking lesbian! You thought you were pulling some fucking shit on me
by fucking everybody, but I've been fucking your friends! Fuck you! I've
been fucking your goddamned SISTERS and I even fucked your MOM! She's a
hell of a lot better fuck than YOU!"

>>9074418
He flipped on the switch.
She died.
He dug his fingers into the flesh of her stomach, already turning cold.
His nails, like claws, found their mark and began ripping the skin,
drawing blood, he tore away at her stomach area, digging deeper and still
deeper.
He shoved both his hands down into the bloody, mutilated mass before him
and reached down deep for what he sought.

>>9074432
He ripped the fetus from the womb, holding it high above his head.
"Glory to Fetus! Let this abortion prove my love for you my Lord!"
He slammed the fetus to the floor and stomped on it, turning it into
nothing but a mass of bloody undeveloped flesh, picked it up and shoved it
down that fucking bitch's throat.
He kissed her, kissed her dead lips hard, his tongue relishing the taste
of a bedroom abortion.
After a long, long kiss, he rolled to the other side of the bloody bed,
closed his eyes, and went back to sleep.

... how can this still be going on?

>>9074442
It had been at least six months since Jim had killed his wife and
performed the bedroom abortion of their child with his hand. Jim was in
prison now.
But Jim had given the fetus to Fetus the Almighty Destroyer, and
Fetus came to Jim's aid. Jim sat in his prison cell, thinking about how
nice it would be just to get the hell out of this shit hole. Fetus heard
him; Fetus rescued him.
A mighty voice boomed inside Jim's head. "Alright you lousy son of a
bitch. I'll get you out of this mess. All you humans are so fucking
pathetically stupid, but you did give the fetus in My Name. I shall grant
you freedom; the minds of everyone will be completely erased of your
careless events and of your deceased wife's name. So be it."

>>9074468
Jim fell to his knees and his surroundings began to swirl. A high pitch
buzzing formed in his ears, and he felt something tugging at his groin
area. He could no longer see, and everything was completely black but a white
sensation of piercing light was striking at the backs of his eyes. All of a
sudden he had the rush that some big bitch with a vacuum cleaner mouth was
giving him damn good head, and that someone had smacked him over the head with
one hell of a sledgehammer. After the invisible pain and dizziness subsided,
Jim could make out his surroundings.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Jim was standing at the altar of a church, in arm
with some pretty decent looking bitch. The priest said, "You may kiss the
bride." Jim stood, stunned, trying to comprehend all this in his still
dizzy brain. Moments passed, Jim did nothing. He thought, "Fetus must have
given me a new life, a fresh chance to get married again. Hmm, this babe
looks fuckable" and Jim kissed the bride harder than he had kissed his dead
wife in his "previous life". He picked her up (what the hell?) and ran down the
isle with her. He was so happy that Fetus Almighty had given him freedom, a
clean slate to work with. They got in the stretched limousine that was waiting
for them outside the church.

>>9074513
Fuck again. Fuck fuck fuck again. What was this bitch's NAME? "Well dear,
wher are we going?" seemed to be the first question that popped up in Jim's
head. The girl just looked at Jim as if he were a complete dumbass fuck.
"Uh, JIM, honey you know we've been planning all along to go to Hawaii for our
honeymoon!" Jim sat stunned. "Oh, okay, that's cool by me." The girl just
gave Jim a funny look.
"What in the FUCK is her NAME?" thought Jim. None the matter, they kissed
and fondled and just plain almost fucked on the way to the airport. Her name
was not needed for the tickets had already been purchase. They hopped on the
plane and were off for Hawaii.

>>9074530

When they arrived at the hotel, Jim was up shit creek. He didn't even know
how to tell the people their names to get a room. "I'm Jim Steiner and I have
a room reserved." Damn. She didn't buy it. "Honey? Fine, don't even TELL them
my name." Oh shit. "Heh heh sorry dear. It's the honeymoon suite for Jim
and... and..." The Loud Voice boomed in his head again. "Jennifer you dumb
ass, your wife's name is Jennifer." "heh heh...Jennifer Steiner. We've just
gotten married and we'd like our honeymoon suite." Jim was of a bright red
color and felt pretty low.

>>9074545
Jim was leading a fairly normal life. If a sticky situation arose, Fetus
would help him out and fill his mind with knowledge of the past. Jennifer
was pregnant now, they were going to have a child. An amniocentesis test
showed that it was to be a baby girl, and they were both ecstatic. They
would have a happy family. Jim knew he could lead a normal life.
A normal life it was, for Jim at least, because his violent nightmares had
not disappeared from his previous life.
The nightmares occurred frequently, and they tormented Jim until he could
finally take control of them. And as always, he loved to scare the living shit
out of himself. He dreamt that a large man was chasing him; Jim could not make
out his face in the blurriness of the dream. He ran from the man just to get
his scare up. He grasped control, turned, and said to the thing, "I am just
so happy that you could fucking be in my fucking dream! But I hate your guts
now, you fucking BORE me! FUCK YOU BASTARD!"

>>9074574
Jim felt at power in his dreams when he finally took control of them.
The figure spoke.
"Fuck you Jim, you fucked up in your last life, and now you're going to
die. Again."
"Fuck you too asshole. Gee, I sure do hate your guts. They disgust me."
Jim reached with razorlike fingers into the figured abdomen and made way
to the guttal area. He ripped out the man's stomach and a large section of
his small intestine. He shoved as much of the gut pile into his mouth as he
could and ate away, bits and pieces and drops of blood drooling out of his
mouth.
"Now you sorry fucker! How does it feel for someone ELSE to be in
control?!?!" Jim raged, the dream getting continually blurry.
"Fuck you Jim. Just fuck off." The man puked a violently acidic puke
all over Jim's torso. But Jim's ultimate rage kept him pumped up, he was not
phased.

>>9074582
"I hate your guts you bastard! Fuck off!" With that Jim conjured up a
double-barreled 12 guage shotgun with the control he had within the dream
and blew the figure to hell. No, that was not good enough. He reloaded. He
fired again. No satisfaction. He shot repeatedly, but no joy came to sooth
his adrenaline-pumped soul.
Jim turned the gun on his own head and screamed with excitement. Yeah, this
was it. This was the feeling. He pulled the shotgun trigger a number of times
and rejoiced in every blast. He felt himself being ripped apart and just
fucking LOVED it.
"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOUR GUTS!" He blew his own guts out onto the
floor of his imaginary psychopathic dream world. With a final blast he felt
something crash down over his head.
He awoke. Jennifer stood there beating the hell out of him with a pillow,
screaming, "JIM DAMNIT TO HELL WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU? JIM!
WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!"
"It was just a bad dream dear, I'm sorry. I think I'm under alot of
stress."

>>9074599
"Alot of stress you pig fucking bastard? STRESS? THIS is STRESS!" She
lifted her large nightgown to reveal the large protruding stomach, of which
the baby was contained within the mound.
"THIS is fucking stress. Waking up every morning, puking all over the
fucking place, ripping into raw meat and food out the ASS, I FEEL like SHIT
and YOU think YOU'RE under STRESS? Well FUCK YOU!"
Fuck you. Fuck you. These words lingered and rang in Jim's mind. Fuck
you, he thought.
"Yeah, fuck you too bitch. I hate your guts. You're all the same. Bitching
about how BAD you feel and how MORNING SICKNESS gets you down. PMS, periods,
I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT!" He went to his closet.

>>9074616
"Jim honey, I'm sorry, really... Jim, what...what are you doing...oh NO!"
Jim pulled, from his closet, a double-barreled shotgun from his closet.
It was strikingly similar to the one he carried in his nightmares. It was
already loaded, and he pulled back the pin on the left chamber.
"This, you bitch, is stress."
He poked the shotgun into her stomach and fired once. Jennifer screamed
a deathly scream of horrifying pain.
"THIS, you BITCH, is the STRESS I'VE GOT!" He pointed the shotgun at her
head. "You think you can just go out and FUCK WHOEVER YOU WANT! Well you're
WRONG, BITCH! I bet you were out last night sucking a NIGGER'S DICK, RIGHT?
My white cock ain't GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Oh yeah, I bet you were out with some
DIKE, LAPPING UP HER CUNT JUICES! YOU LESBIAN! FUCK YOU!" He pressed the
barrels to her eyes and held them steady.

>>9074643
"THIS, is the STRESS which YOU, YOU WHOREMONGER LESBIAN, don't think that
I'VE GOT!" He pulled back the pin on the right chamber.
With a last might of strength Jennifer mumbled.
"Jim, oh dear merciful God DON'T DO THIS!"
Boom. Jim fired the last shot and lay Jennifer and their baby to rest.
The dead fetus could be seen through the large open rapidly-bleeding
wound in Jennifer's stomach.
Jim flashed back on his previous life, for he had not forgotten any of it.
He had sacrificed the fetus to Fetus Almighty, and he was blessed and helped.
So would he do again.
With demon hands Jim ripped the fetus from Jennifer's womb and held it
above his head, just as he had done before.
"I appeal to you, O Fetus, deliver me from this mess I'm in, for here is
another of your Followers. Take this our fetus, and use it well."
Jim threw down the shotgun and slumped to the floor in a happy and
content sleep.

There are thousands. And you know them. Those brace-faced geeks that usually
wear pocket protectors and sit around all day exchanging boogers with one
another. And there are those normal people, those who usually get the clear
sapphire braces so they won't look so fucked up and geeky.

Well I used to be there myself. No not a geek loser schmuck wasteoid lonely
bater, but my teeth were pretty fucked up. I was told I should get them to
correct a crossbite I had and to make room for other teeth.

My orthodontist was a nice man, although I often wondered if he really knew
what the hell he was doing. It was his assistants however, that made my
orthodontic experience a living hell.

>>9074701
They usually came to work all wakked out on PCP, threatening people and
hallucinating demons and such, ya know, the typical American thing. The
main orthodontist himself was fairly clean cut. But when he disappeared into
his office for consultation, hell broke alive.

It basically started the first visit when I went to get my bands and brackets
and shit put on. Everything was normal, everything was friendly. The doctor
came in and placed the brackets in the cement and left. The assistant pulled
out a blue light that was to quickly dry the cement on my teeth. The light
instead bent towards my eyes and the whole room became fluorescent blue,
changing quickly to a violent scarlet red.

>>9074725
Another assistant came into the room and pulled a demon from her nose and
threw it at me. I was truly scared shitless. I shit in my pants and the
first assistant removed them and ate the shit. In fact all the assistants in
the building came and dined on the succulent shit. Their hair turned fiery
colors and they began beating each other with the hygienic latex gloves.

I tried to run but some force, perhaps a spirit, held me fast to my chair
as these demonic orthodontic assistants paraded around my chair, eating
shit, chanting, and beating each other with latex gloves.

It was nightmarish. A previously damned good looking assistant (now with
green leathery reptilic skin) lifted my long shirt from up over my thighs
and bent onto the floor. I tried to get away. I was held to the chair. She
placed her snake-like lips over my hardening cock (hmm I usually don't get
too fuckin horny looking at snakes and lizards... oh well...) and began
violently sucking it. Hmm felt pretty damned good but I didn't like the
idea of a fuckin lizard giving me head. But oh well you can't have everything
in life.

>>9074735
She sucked and licked all the while, the other demonic fiends yet parading
around the chair. She ran her mouth up and down, up and down my rod, forked
tongue slithering all around my head. Hmm. The colour of the room began to
subside back to a semi-recognizable white light. Faster and faster she
went as her skin began to decompose back to her regular silky white flesh.
Even faster. I felt myself getting harder and hornier with every move she made.
The other assistants began to disappear. It seemed as though their spirits were
floating away from the room. I became lightheaded in the confusion and came
so hard I felt my ears pop. Oh it was the ultimate orgasm anyone could have!
I looked up, smiling with joy, only to see the assistant standing over me,
looking at me as if I were some kind of drug-addicted freak. Heh heh and
SHE should be the one thinking that. I looked down at my Levi's only to find
them up zipped snapped. What the hell? I noticed I had a very big bulge in
my pants. The assistant smiled and said you have a nice day! She sprayed
some kind of shit in my face and I slipped into unconsciousness. Next thing
I knew I was sitting in the car on the way home. Hmm I couldn't remember
that visit too well, nothing out of the ordinary.

>>9074743
Ah ha, but if I was brainwashed of the demonic events, then how do I remember
them now? It was strange... the thoughts puzzled me for days, I simply could
not remember anything about that visit. I thought it might have been a case
of "missing time" so I went to see a well-reknowned hypnotist. We talked for
awhile about the situation and our beliefs in the paranormal. He put me into a
hypnotic trance and I began to recount the events. I remember my spirit sensed
a certain..ah.."arousal" in the hypnotist, and under my hypnotic trance he
removed my Levi's. He pulled them all the way off and pulled out my hard rod.
He sucked and caressed it, and as the cum flowed he sucked harder, harder,
the events presented themselves clearly, frightening. I was pulled from the
terrorizing thoughts back to consciousness only to find the hypnotist to be
sitting there, calm. I looked at my jeans. Up zipped snapped. Weird shit.
Bulge in the pants. The guy smiled. Wait a sec damnit, that's not the
hypnotist! The dude had transformed into my orthodontist! He smiled and
laughed maliciously and growled a terrorific PCP-driven growl. He picked
up a copy of Anal Poetry For Beginners and began reciting to me the horrible
verses.

"If you have a stiffy
Wedged between your anal heart,
And if it's causing utter pain
Then blow it with a fart.

Pick up a piece of plumbing pipe
And wedge it in your hole,
Get a pathway to your ass
And then drop in a mole!

Let it run around inside
And take it when you're done,
Fuck the mole with your butt cheeks
Beastality's lots of fun!"

O pay homage to Elvis the King.
Elvis the keeper of all that is good
Will bring us through troubled times.

O give tribute to Elvis Presley
Guide of time and travel
Sacrifice your shoes.

Praise he who brings forth rain
And once-a-month menstrual cramps
Lay down your dog upon the Graceland altar.

Worship Elvis who controls your mind
And drives a big pink cadillac
Hunk-a hunk-a burnin' love.

You ain't nothin but a hound dog
Pour forth your soul for he
Almighty Elvis Aaron Presley, alive and with us now.

>>9074769
O pay homage to our beloved Elvis, King.
Keeper of your soul
Think of he who rids your bodily wastes.

Elvis is alive and well and living in your home
Give thanks and blessing to The King
And prosper in his power.

O praise Elvis Juice
Poured out by yout Elvis Glands
Which keep The King alive.

Give praises to the Elvis god
We must not upset his awesome power
He provides us sacred nectar of chicken liver.

O hail Almighty Elvis Man, guide us with your light
Sing to us with brilliant sound
And protect all buffalo feces.

Priscilla guides us daily in
Our quest to find your undying truth
Although her wisdom is that of regurgitated testicles.

>>9074782
Elvis Presley, lord of fruitfulness
Provide us with the gift of Elvis Sex
Protect our contraceptives.

Show us all your mighty strength
We listen to thy albums daily
Deliver to us day by day.

Urinate upon our lives your Elvis Wastes
Golden showers enlighten our Elvis worship
Bring to us your divine intervention.

All kneel and hail Elvis Presley
Whose spirit is alive among ourselves
We must go now among the Elvis fans.


"Elvis magnus rex pacis est."

Here comes the man.
The machine he carries...I watch it. It makes much noise when he pulls
upon a trigger. It spins a small string of some nature around and around.
And the screams of pain coming from my brothers fills my minute ears.
Thoughtlessly, he chops away at a lifeform he does not understand.
This deed must be repaid.
I prick up a few leaves... He does not know what my kind looks like... I
am just another unwanted thing to him. He brings the Noisy Death to me. I
shake my leaves and quiver my stalks. He notices me now; I am all that is
on his mind.
His finger squeezes upon the trigger, the whirling thread of death
approaches me... what will it feel like? will i die? no. The mortal one
shall know my anger.
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Weeds and grass cringe as my cries ring out across the lawn.
Never have I felt such a PPAAIINN!!!
It slashes into me, over and over and over...over and over...the noisy
buzz of his weapon rips into my very being...he tears and rends at me...the
pain no longer bothers me...stripped from my roots, my feeling has gone.
His spinning weapon provides me with what I need.

>>9074801
Upward acceleration.
I call to the wind...it comes in answer...
My shredded leaves float into the air, propelled by the madman's murder
machine and by the soft, carressing vengeance of the wind. I land upon his
skin...his face and his arms...his legs and hands...his chest...
I send my oils into his body...He brushes at my pieces, rubbing them down
his skin, forcing even more oil out of me and into my victim...all over him
do I fall...my juices of revenge...seep..into his..body..my consciousness..
it fades..sleepy...tired..is..this death?....the wind..whispers.."sleep..
sleep my friend.."

How long have I slept? Is this an afterlife?
No...how foolish...I grow around these silly mortals and begin to pick up
on their childish fears...I cannot die...but my purpose has now changed.
Protector of the land of plants, my job has but begone. This young son of
Adam has destroyed much...the pain he has caused and ignored must be
returned upon him..three fold.

There. His right wrist. Rash.
Lower left arm...a small welp.
Legs, a slight itch.
The sweat of his labors gives my oils a medium to flow through.

>>9074808
He notices the rash...I devote attention to it...I itch.
An attempt to ignore me angers me. Increase the itch. Now he gives me
attention... Scratch me. Scratch me, foolish one, and begin to know true
pain.
He scratches...oils are released, and his motions of the hand spread me
further along his skin, rubbing me deeper...I send him a feeling of pleasure
and of relief...gratitude for scratching me...he thinks it helps...and it
does...it helps me considerably.
He brushes his legs against his recliner. I spread fire through his
legs. He must scratch. And scratch he does. He rubs me and mine against
the chair...stronger I make the flames...harder he does force me to the
chair, and deeper and wider does he spread my lotion. Enough for now, I
send him apparent relief.
He touches the welp...scratches a bit more on his rash...
I send my juices to his fingers as they near my surface.
The moron..he rubs the sweat from his face with the very fingers he has
soaked my poison upon...more surface to spread onto...ahhhhh...he rubs me
into his forehead, and down the side of his face...I itch his skin ever so
slightly, and he rubs me down his neck too...
I tell my brothers of oil to do the work they do best...infecting.
Tired have I become..again I sleep..and the son of man thinks I have
gone.

>>9074817
I survey my handiwork and that of my brethren. The rash has spread down
his arm as I slept...the oily ones have taken root and begun to flow under
his skin. The welps begin to swell, his legs continue to itch.
And he continues to scratch.
Constantly does he aid me in my revenge against him. Foolish one.

Three days have I directed the attack. The general of an army of poison
forces, I have penetrated his defenses. Now have I covered half of his
body. He knows, now, that I am here and what I am. Does he know why I am?
Can I communicate the pain he caused by mercilessly slaughtering innocent
weeds and grass? I send heat and fire, itching and swelling, through all
the surfaces I cover.
The pain wracks his body..mind..spirit. He does not know what to do.
Nail polish he places upon me. I have overestimated his intelligence.
Do I appear to be a chigger? Pop me, man child. Yes. He pops my
bubbling pus factories. My juices spread down his hand......a fertile
field he sows my seeds upon. A crop of pain and suffering he shall reap.
Rise my brothers...rise and spread...conquer...swell up and ooze, that he
may know disgust and contempt...let no mortal look upon him with favor...
make him to be as a leper...Let him place his puny bandages upon our flowing
juices...let them absorb us...and spread through the fibers, come down where
you have not been before...he thinks if we are on a fabric that we cannot
spread...As we are wet, so do we live. He knows us not.
But brothers..soon...soon he must needs know us. We must prepare... Our
time is short...the beast shall rise up to halt our attack...have faith, be
strong my brethren..

>>9074824
OOoooooohhh....salve...a lotion...long have I desired such a soothing
massage of creamy liquids...his fingers bring a pink glob to my surfaces,
and he rubs them in...spreading my ooze even so...he rubs it in...ohhhhhh it
feels sooooo good...I inflame the rest of myself so that he knows I want it
all over me...he obliges me...I send feelings of sweet relief to him, for
this is a pleasure I do not get often...
I bask in the glory of this wonderfully sweet thing for awhile...then I
remember the needless deaths this man has caused. Time for us to act again
my beauties.
His back and chest. Itch.
ITCH! Goddamnit I said ITCH!
He ignores our attack.
I send my command through my entire being, concentrating on one spot on
his back. Still he does not scratch..still he registers no sensation of
pain. What sorcery is this? What black curse has fallen upon us? Does
this child of man know a magick that can stop even me?
Yet I live. I know no pain...Indeed, I still feel good.
Ahhhh...it is no black curse...it is a pink one. The salve. Now do I
begin to see the foolishness of this man demonstrated again. He spreads his
own lotions upon me so he is no longer bothered by my inflaming and itching.
Fine.
ATTACK! While he does not feel us! SPREAD OUT! SMEAR YOURSELVES WITH
HIS CLOTHING! HE NOTICES NOTHING! COVER AND DIVERGE! RUN AND OOZE! Ooooh
YES my slimy brothers and sister, INFEST this vile one with our wrath! Heat
thyselves; I give the Itch unto each of thee! Increase in magnitude! This
abomination of pink juice will wear off, let him know TRUE PAIN when it
does! Continue the attack! Move out and destroy!

>>9074839
.....pain.....i don't feel so good......something's not right.....
something's coming over me.....what the fuck is this?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
The PAIN! The HEAT! AARRRRROOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWGGGGHHHH!!!!!
His fingers dig into my forces, more juices does he send into me... a
clear lotion...and now a white lotion....Oooooh a PLAGUE!!! I begin to
choke! Suffocating fumes fill my tiny nostrils, my every pore covered with
the stench of his vile cream!
Ooooohhhh....my children...as he rubs you, spread...outward and beyond...
go my little ones...he will not cover the areas he does not know have been
infected...spread to the clean areas..hide...await my next command......

tight...oh so tight...a bandage...more bandages...what parts of me were
greatest have begun to dry...as i am wet i live...as i dry, i die...i send
my liquids oozing...it spreads some, but not much...the man has a weapon i
had not foreseen...but no matter...the rest of his body...soon...

Yeeeessssssssss....yes my babies....welcome....he has forsaken his
duties....some of me dies and he thinks it shall continue its
course...foolish manthing. The only thing that will continue with me is my
ATTACK! Begin the invasion once again!! New pods, open and spread, burst
and send your juices flowing!! The vengeance of the deaths of our brothers
is our cause!! yes we will die eventually, but let this one know more
pain!! let this one suffer at our hands!!!

>>9074846
Arms, swell...blistering, good. Burst some. Legs inflamed. Some heat
energies...increase the itch of his body...his medicine runs out, and he is
so disgusted at the form I take that he cannot bear to spread the medicine
completely...is this the way he attacks me? Does he wish to let me run my
course? I am PERMANENT!!! What can he do to stop me?!?!?! Does he think I
will grow weary of torturing his delicate flesh?!!??!????! The warrior of
the garden, become bored with my sole purpose?!?!!! His stupidity impresses
me.

Coooool..cold...I do not like this...this room is too cold...white room,
some light blue decorations..this room gives this son of man a relaxing
sensation through his mind.
Where is this place, and what does he have in store for me?
He has begun to ignore me and mine. Our pain does not bother him quite
so much...he does not scratch us, he does not stimulate me to an erection of
my blisters, he no longer takes me to an orgasm of my poison... and this
room, it scares me.
A man enters the room.

>>9074866
"Damn..you've got it all over you, eh?" He looks at me as he speaks.
"Yeah! Went cutting some weeds and next thing I new, this stuff was
everywhere..spreads like wildfire. Didn't know I was allergic to it." My
host discusses me...He flatters my ability to spread...but why is he talking
of me? Why does he seem so calm?
"Well, there's no doubt that it's poison ivy," the man says so calmly
that it frightens me. "A nurse will come in and give you a shot in your
hip. If it doesn't clear up by Friday, come back and get another one."
Relief and gratitude eminate from my victim. Clear up? ME?
A woman comes in.
"Pull your pants down a litte. Good. Now turn around.."
A shiny metal thing...oh so small..OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!! AAARRRGGGH!!!!
It penetrates his skin and enters his blood stream!!!!
Flames erupt within me!!! His body's own defenses turn against me!!
What have they done to me?!?!!!?

...i...dry up...the..shot it..has done too..much dam..age...for me to...
continue...my..existence..draws to an..end...
but...the man...he knows..relief...and cannot..know relief..if he... did
not know pain...my job...complete...my cycle...coming..to its close...
i hear the call of my earth brothers...they welcome me home again... my
immortal being removes itself from my host...the ground comes up to me... or
i down to it...i am under the surface...roots? ahhh...another body...
another set of lifeforms to protect....much better do i feel...peacefulness.
my Earth Mother sends me warmth and love....i did well....

The cool December air was quiet, filled only with the smells of an
ocasional wood-stove. Jim and Vicky sat with their backs to an old, giant oak
tree, softly embracing each other as an act of affection, silently taking in
the beauty of the night.
Exactly one year before, they had both been at a crowded, noisy, smoky
graduation party; everyone there getting drunk and making fools of themselves.
Not Jim and Vicky. They had been introduced early on, and they found that
they had very much in common. He was a musician, classical guitar being his
specialty, and she was a classical pianist. They both had Bachelors, they
both taught music, though at different schools.
It was a match made in heaven. They left the party, realizing that they
needed some peace and quiet, sensing the bond that was already forming between
them.
And so Jim drove her to a place out in the country where they could be
alone. And it was the same place that they now sat, wrapped in each other's
arms, bathed in the warmth of love.

>>9074906
She knew what he would ask her tonight. Noone has told her this, and he
had not even hinted at it, but somehow she KNEW. He would propose to her this
night. And she loved him, she loved him dearly, and she would accept. She
wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, in eternal bliss.
Jim had thought long and hard about the proposal. He knew he would have
to ask her, and this night was the most perfect one imaginable. He could ask
for no better time, no better place. He wanted her. They had both agreed
that sex was out of the question until wedding night, she for religious
reasons, he because he did not want to impose upon her. She was a virgin, as
pure as the snow that could be sensed on the breeze, just waiting to blanket
the land with its white softness. She was very special to him. Oh, how he
loved her, loved her more than anything in the universe.

>>9074912
He could hear the thudding and pounding footsteps drawing nearer, feel
the heat from ITS body as it got closer. He ran with all the strength and
speed his shattered body could muster. Sweat blinded his sight, as if he
could see in the darkness of ITS lair. His lungs were on fire, his entire
body wanted desperately to just lie down and die. IT knew this. IT was
relentless. IT could still taste the blood it had drawn when it first found
this man wandering in ITS territory. IT had given chase, and enjoyed the
sport. The man wanted to play hard to get.
His body moved as a machine. He knew he was going to stop eventually,
but his muscles refused to acknowledge the thought. His legs pumped and
pumped, nonstopping and not slowing. His entire body was soaked in his sweat
and his blood, the stench of his fear filling his nostrils...and ITS. The
smell was as good to IT as the tatse of the man's blood, urging IT onward,
onward, faster. The man did not turn his head back, knowing very well that IT
was gaining on him.

>>9074922
Vicky had felt the small box in the inside pocket of Jim's denim jacket,
but said nothing of it. She knew it must be the ring. He had a tendency to
spend more than he should on her, not that she minded, but this ring.. How
beautiful it must be.. She could hardly wait, the suspense and the longing
for those four blessed words made the evening draw out to an eternity.
He knew he could wait no longer. She just HAD to say yes. She would be
his forever and ever. His heart was ready to burst from love for her. He
loosened the embrace he had upon her, gently taking her hands in his. She
turned and looked at him, her round, brown eyes searching out his soul with a
knowing sparkle to them. Their lips softly brushed together. He removed his
hands from hers, and stretched, stifling a yawn. She turned to look back at
the small wisps of smoke coming from the chimney of a nearby house, thinking
of how wonderful it would be for the two of them to spend their lives together
in their own home, with their children.

>>9074927
He could run no longer. His leg muscles were knotted up, refusing to
move further. Blood pounded in his ears, pulsing with the thud-thud of ITS
footsteps. The ground beneath him shook ever so slightly as IT came closer to
its prey. The blood caked wounds at his side reopened as he gasped for air,
his eyes searching wildly for something to use to try to fend IT off.
It was useless. IT was not hurt by bullets, the makeshift club had only
angered it, or was IT laughing at him? The footfalls slowed. IT neared. IT
knew he could not escape now. A deep, gutteral sound filled the caverns of
his mind, a sound he could only take to be more laughter, the same noise IT
has made when he slammed the clun into ITS head.
He had made IT bleed with the rock. If IT could bleed, IT could die. A
rock. THERE, yes, a sharp dust covered rock. He bent to pick it up,
preparing for the final confrontation with the beast that had hunted him for
hours. And there IT was. It drew nearer, saliva dripping from its fang
filled mouth, the Blood Lust apparent in its yellow eyes.

mailto:sage

dont mind if i do

>>9074939
Jim reached slowly down into his pocket, withdrawing the small, soft box
that did, indeed, contain the ring. She seemed not to notice...
"Vicky?"
The love in his voice was obvious, the importance of what he had to say
made his voice shake just a bit. She knew what was to come.
"Yes, Jim?"
"Vicky...I love you...I love you more than anything I have ever loved,
more than anything I can ever love."
"I know...I know...And you know that I love you, too..." Anticipation.
"Baby...I've been thinking," his left arm cupped the side of her face
very gently, their eyes locked together. He kissed her softly, and held the
box in his right hand. "Will you m---
The scream rocked the night. They both jumped to their feet in shock,
holding each other tightly for protection. It was a man's scream, and a man
in intense pain. A death scream.

>>9074946
They looked at each other fearfully, neither of them breathing, and
slowly they turned their heads towards the house Vicky had been watching the
smoke from earlier. Jim took a step towards the house.
Vicky held his arm. "No, NO, don't! Whatever it was that made that
scream--
"It was a man, Vick. A goddamned MAN! That scream! I have to find
out--
"No, please Jim! Let's get away from here! Whatever caused that could
only hurt you! Please lets just go home, PLEASE Jim!" She tugged on his arm,
pulling harder and with more strength than she had ever done in her life.
"But..." Seeing the pleading look in her eyes, he gave in. They turned
and walked quickly back to his car, not looking back for fear of what they
might see, trying to simply forget what they had heard.

Empty out a squeezable kethup bottle. Rinse it out, please. Now go find
an excellent place to bate. A great place is your bed, over a chair, etc.
But you're aiming for great orgasmic fun, so hit the bed. Prop your ass on
the backboard of your bed (baseboard, what the hell ever) and place your
feet against the wall. You should now be in a semi-upside down position.
Equip yourself with your "refrigerator sex tools" and grab the empty
bottle. Squeeze in on the bottle, forcing out all the air. If you use cream,
cream up and go at it. As you feel yourself climaxing, shove the tip of
your head into the end of the bottle and let go. The bottle will try to suck
in air and will suck your dick for you and you bate and cum into the bottle.
Make sure you have two or three fingers, or some hardboiled eggs up your
ass as you cum to joy. Slowly return to a flat position and slowly sit up,

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly
south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

I just came to this x.x

LOOK, OTHER PEOPLE ARE POSTING.
WOW, I AM AMAZED BY THIS.

So ya say yer parents think yer a Satanist and you're just sick enough of
living to shove it up their ass, eh? Wellllll, for this, you'll need the
following :

5 pieces of lead pipe, approximately 6 inches long and 1 inch diameter
10 endcaps for the pipe
1 drill (1/16th bit)
1 car battery
1 match
several feet of speaker wire
some scotch tape and some duct tape
enough gunpowder to fill 6 pieces of the pipe

>>9075104
Now that you have this... Place a cap on each of the pipes and fill them
all with gunpowder (how'd you guess?). Drill a hole in the remaining caps.
Now, remove 5 strands (single strands) of the speaker wire. Now cut 5
pieces of the wire, approximately 6 feet in length. Put the wire through
the hole in the caps (1 piece per hole, schmucks) Bridge the wires with
the strands (bridge the left wire and the right wire, the positve and
negative, the black and red, DUH...)
Strip the non-bridged ends of the wires, and tape all the negative sides
to each other, and all the positive sides to each other. (Which is which
doesn't matter in the least)
Tighten up the cap with the hole. You may want to tape the wire into the
hole, if your wire is small enough that powder can leak out the hole.
Now, remove all of your clothing. Yes, all of it.
Using the duct tape, strap a piece of pipe to each of your limbs (at the
knees and the elbows) and at the back of your neck.

>>9075182
Lay down beside the car battery, it needs to be really close to you,
within reach of your body.
Pour the remaining gunpowder on your chest in the shape of an upside down
cross and a swastika (the Nazi version will do) and if you have enough, a
small pentagram. Move VERY slowly so you don't knock off the powder.
Light the match and ignite the shapes on your chest.
SCREAM real loud as the flames sear into your flesh.
As the burns begin to really hurt, reach over with the tapes ends of the
wires (you DID tape the insulation and not the wire, didn't you???) and
connect them to the battery. BOOOOOOM there go your extremeties!
Your parents will see a smoking bloody mass of a chest with satan symbols
on it, and they will know at last that you truly were a Satanist!

>>9075194
Let's say you have a hobby that your parents don't like..say...skydiving.
Let's say you have a life that you don't like..say...your life.
Let's say that you leap out of a perfectly functional airplane and decide
to plant your feet straight at the ground with your arms to your sides.
Let's say that you hit 120 mph going straight down like a javelin and
plow into the ground...
Let's say your spine erupts through the top of your head, impaling your
brain and raising it like a flag.


Gosh...your parents (or wife) really didn't WANT to get you that Kawasaki
Ninja, but you R-E-A-L-L-Y wanted one, so you got it... And gosh... they
(she) has really been harping at you because you think helmets are for
losers... But, they won't listen, so you're going to show them how
effective a helmet is.

>>9075209
You get out on the interstate (in California, you may have to leave the
state if you want to do this, or at least, get out of the parking-lots they
call free-ways!) and you have your nice little helmet on your nice little
head...
You crank 'er up into 5th gear, you're flying down the road going about
140 mph...Oh gee! Is that a concrete overpass support? Wellll, turn the
fucker towards the overpass, lean out over your handlebars and S-L-A-M into
the support...See how much fucking good a helmet does!

what the fuck is this?

whutthefuckamireadingblox

>>9075237
Your kids always bitching about how long you take in the shower?
They just won't realize that it takes time to dry off properly?
Well next time, jump in the shower without bothering to take your clothes
off, soak yourself as fast as possible (all this to save time), rush
downstairs into the utility room, turn on the dryer and CLIMB IN...
By the time they follow your dripping trail you'll be a spinning mass of
clothed pizza...but they'll never bitch about your showers again.


Wife think you're going to hurt yourself because you drink too much?
Come home stone cold sober and blow your brains out with a shotgun.
Drinking has nothing to do with it!


Parents think Sex Is Sin and try to force that view on you?
Write them a note...

"I have sinned terribly...I commited acts of fornication...
The guilt is too much to bear..."

Then slice your dick off with a razor blade and bleed to death on your
bible.

what the shit is going on in this thread?

>>9075245
Car break down?
Sick of the fuckers that won't give you a ride?
Jump out in front of one of them. They'll stop after they spread you
down the highway.


Friends think drugs are going to bake your brain? Tired of their
preaching?
Show them what it's like when you REALLY get baked.
30 minutes at 450 degrees should do the trick.


Parents don't like you playing with fire?
Eat some dry ice.


Feeling religious? Have some sick friends crucify you.
Feeling racist? Have the same friends light the cross.
Roast Jew!


Hook yourself up to a Honda generator and sing "You Light Up My Life"

>>9075269
Got some punks at school who think they're bad because they can stick a
lighter in their mouth then blow flames out?
Get a gas can, light it up, and DRINK flames! They don't seem so bad
anymore, DO they?


Set your pushmower up on its back wheels, you know, like you're working
on the blade...Crank it up and run and LEAP into the spinning blade...Diced
Meat!


Go into a parking area on the interstate late at night...
Tie two ropes to two trucks, one to each...
Then tie one rope to your head and one to your waist and go to sleep...
You'll probably awaken to a slight tugging feeling!

Well well well...You're in a really fucking sick mood, you're pissed off at
society, and you want to release all your frustrations... Good, because that's
exactly what it takes for RK-Anarchy...

There are various ways to get roadkills...The easiest is to scrape them up
off the road... Dogs, cats, squirrels, deer, little old ladies, children,
oppossum, kangaroos, does, turtles, chickens, etc...
However, to have more fun, run over your OWN! Yeah! Just go out on the
town with a few buddies and run over anything that moves! Hell, just for
effect, back over it, and run over it again...

After you have amassed at least one roadkill, there are many MANY things
one can do with it/them...

If its big enough, tie that fucker to your bumper and run over EVERYTHING
in sight! Ya go out to get the paper, and there are DEER GUTS splattered ALL
OVER your mailbox! ALRIGHT! Slam that fucker into cars, telephone poles,
street signs, everything! When yer done, toss it in someone's yard...
Or cram it into someone's mailbox... Or in the muffler of their car...

>>9075291
You can bang on the thing with a hammer, or chop at it with an axe, or
dissect it with a chainsaw, or... Then throw it into open-windows in houses and
automobiles, toss it into convertbiles, put it on someone's hood, smear it all
over their car, throw it at Peds, or Feds!

Get on top of your local mall at night..Wait for a large crowd to
amass...And THROW that fucker at the people! Watch the women FAINT! Everyone
who isn't passed out will scatter like hell... Open the door at the mall and
throw one as hard as you can into the mall, blood and guts EVERYWHERE!

Take one into a movie theatre (how the hell?) and throw it at people!

Take it to school and put it on the principal's car...
Take it in school and leave it in the halls...
Put it in an empty locker that belongs to noone...UGh!
Throw it into the toilets!
If its little, put the little bitch in the ketchup/salad dressing thing.

Break into somebody's car with a baseball bat and smear RoadKill all over
their fine upholstery...

>>9075300
Tie it to a rope, throw it over a limb of a tree, and swing the bitch out
at cars as they pass by!

Tie it to your bumper and drive down the road, heh heh, curves are great
fun, esp. with people on the opposite side of the road... Ever had a roadkill
come flying at ya while walking down the road?

Someone out of town for awhile? Break into their house and put roadkill in
their beds...their toilets...microwaves..stoves...blender...washer...dryer...
the baby crib...the...

227 posts and 1 image reply omitted your so boring /r9k/

>>9075311
Throw them at mailboxes, see who makes the biggest dent.

Give a taste-test at a mall.

Put it on someone's porch, pour gas on it, light it, ring doorbell, run.

Play frisbee in the park!

I said throw it through open windows...Hell, throw it through CLOSED
windows too!

Take it to the post office and mail that fucker! Put a stamp on it!

Cram it into the slot where cans come out of Coke machines!

Buy a paper, take all the papers, and replace 'em with ROADKILL!

>>9075314
It's all the same person posting, good sir.

For convenience, I am using US and THEM (U & T), regardless of how many people
were involved...

We know a guy whose phone num spells COCK... Well, Tasty got an idea so we
called someone up...

T:ummm...hello?
U:Hello. Are you aware that the last four digits of your number correspond to
the word COCK?
T:What the hell are you talking about?
U:Look at your phone...See how the last four digits spell out--
T:<CLICK>


T:Hello?
U:Hello, is Jim there?
T:You've got the wrong number.
U:No, this is the number I was given.
T:Look, this is a private residential phone, I've had the number for FIVE YEARS,
you've got the WRONG number! <CLICK>
--a little later, a different one of us, same them--
T:HELLO?
U:Hi. Is Jim there?
T:NO he IS NOT. You have the WRONG NUMBER!
U:Well, can you take a message, in case he calls?
T:I'm telling you you've got the wrong number, he isn't going to call! I've had
this number for years, I KNOW he isn't going to call!
U:Could you just tell him that Scott called, please?
T:OK...WHATEVER....<CLICK>
--and later...--
T:HELLO?!?!?
U:Hi, this is Jim, any messages?
and you can imagine what happened then!

>>9075364
There's this one place that is known to have meetings for a local satanic
'cult' around here... Wellllll, we called up and got an answering machine so I
took advantage of the situation...
T:...and if you'll leave a message at the tone, we'll get back with you.
U:Yo. My name's Frank O'Toole, call me Algoroth. My number is 123-553-2510, I
want to get in on the Satan meetings, call me up. <CLICK>
Maybe we need to call them up and tell them how bad satan worship is!

We decided that we should take a survey of all our callers...
T:arrrrggggrrrruuuhhhhhmmmmmuhhhhhhhhello?
U:Hello, this is Richard Lynch from the local Jaycees, and we're taking a
survey. Are you normally awake or alseep at this hour?
Heh heh! The results:
Asleep Awake Undecided
15 3 4

And yet another survey that we didn't do too much-
T:ditto...Hello?
U:Hello, this is Richard Lynch from the local Jaycees, and we're taking a
survey. At this hour, are you normally Asleep, or having Sex?

Asleep Having Sex Didn't Answer
1 1
The one that said Sex goes "I'm usually having sex! With your WIFE!"

>>9075376
Then we got a little devious...The original plan was to find someone with
children, call them up, and inform them that their kids were dead! Yes! But,
seeing as there is this bitch I truly hate, we modified the plan a little, and
this is how it went...
T:blahello?
U:May I speak with Ms. Loose Pussy?
T:Speaking. (sounding worried)
U:Ma'am, this is Dr. Lynch from the Memorial Hospital. Do you know a Mr. Sheep
Fucker?
T:(REALLY worried) Is something wrong with Sheep?
U:Ma'am, I have some bad news. Sheep was killed in a hit and run accident.
The bitch started CRYING and FREAKING OUT and shit! It was WILD as HELL! That
bitch was losing her fucking MIND! Even asked her to come in and identify the
body, to make sure that it was indeed Sheep Fucker... HA!

T:Hewwo?
U:Hi! This is Rick Johnson from WFUK Late Night, and you have been picked
randomly from the phone book to be given a chance at five THOUSAND dollars! All
you have to do is answer the following question correctly. Are you ready?
T:Sure, whatever.
U:In what country is Bufu in? That's B-U-F-U, you have 1 minute.
Haha! 3 people didn't give a shit and didn't care to win 5000 bucks at 2am, but
one dude said Africa... That dude musta been wasted or drunk off his ass, cuz
when we told him Egypt he started laughing his ass off...

T:Helloooooo?
U:Hi! I'm dialing numbers at random from the phone book and I just called to
wish you a Merry Christmas and a very good night!
T:In the MIDDLE of the NIGHT you're calling people at random? <CLICK>

>>9075382
T:Hello?
U:This is Dominoe's Pizza. Did you order a pizza?

T:Hello?
U1:Hello?
T:What do you want?
U1:You called me, what do YOU want?
T:I didn't call you.
U2:Hey, who's on my line?
T:Who is this?
U1:What do you want?
U3:Hey, is that Fergusson?
U2:Who's Fergusson?
T:What's going on here? Who is this?
U1:There's 4 people on the line?
U3:What the hell's happening?
U2:I think the lines are bleeding, or crossed or something.
T:Well talk to Fergusson about it. <CLICK>

T:Hello?
U:This is 911. We just received a call from you, but the call was disconnected.
Are you having problems?
T:No, and we didn't call you, we're all asleep!
U:According to the computer, you called here. There is no trouble?
T:No, and we didn't call!
U:Yes you did. You sure there are no problems?
T:YES and we DID NOT CALL!
U:YES you DID. Goodbye.........bitch <CLICK>

>>9075392
T:Hello?
All of Us:Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All The Way <click>

The next one was fucking bad as hell, try it sometime-
T:Hello?
U:I don't appreciate you calling me and hanging up like you just did.
T:I didn't call you!
U:Yes you did! I have this New Jersey Bell Call Return service and it called
you back! Computers don't lie!
T:I DIDN'T CALL YOU!
U:Yes you did and I don't appreciate it!
T:Why don't you come over here and I'll kick your ass, then see who called who!
U:Fuck you! I'm going to use my Call Tracing, Trace your ass, and report you to
New Jersey Bell tomorrow for harrassment!
T:Oh yeah? Well give me your number and I'll report YOU for harrassment,
because that's what you're doing RIGHT NOW!
U:<click>
We were gonna give a dude's name and #, but hell, we weren't thinking...

T:Crisis Hot Line, can I help you?
U:Hi! My name is Tom! Meet my friends Dick
U2:Hi!
U:And Harry!
U3:Hi!
T:Uh...Hello...
U:Are you friendly?
T:Yes...
U:Will you be my friend?
T:Yes, I will.
U:Why, you don't even know me.
T:Because I care.
U123:So, what is the most popular method for Group Suicide?
T:I don't know! Is this some kind of joke?
U:NICE fucking way to handle a PROBLEM...BITCH!!!! <CLICK>

>>9075406
And an idea I had many moons ago... This was during the evening...
We called a dude who lived out in Bufu Egypt, out of any Pizza Delivery's
area...

T:Hello?
U:Hello. This is Dominoe's Pizza. Someone has bought you a pizza as a gift,
but unfortunately you are out of our delivery area. Could you come and pick it
up?
Ah well, that's about it... It was a hell of a time, try it sometime.

etus looked upon the world below, summoned by the silent plea of one of
his followers, Bloody Afterbirth. And what Fetus saw, he was not pleased by.
He looked upon that which had caused the anguish of a Chosen One...The She
Bitch.
She had caused the pain, the torment. For one moment His servant had
allowed the foolish Bitch Queen to strike his soul. And now he did call to
his Master, Fetus, for revenge.

The Bitch sat across from her brother, and beside her boyfriend. The
table was heavily laden with the food stuffs of a joyous occasion...Christmas.
Around the table, other members of the family were seated.. The Parents, the
Grandmother... All had the fake smile and toothy grins which bespoke of
knowledge of this well-rehearsed routine.. Pretend to enjoy everything, say
your thank-yous, get along with everyone for awhile, then go on with life...
HER mother singalled silently for all to bow their heads, and a prayer of
gratitude for all one's blessings was uttered. All heads rose with the same
false expressions of joy upon their faces as they had had before, though
Grandma's face had a distinctly ravenous look to it.

>>9075523
*Fetus.
They all reached greedily for the nearest edibles, piling mounds and
mounds of nausea-inducing-mess upon their plates, ignoring the knowing look in
each others' eyes of the sickness to come after eating this, trying
desperately to be the one who ate the most and got the least sick.
SHE eyes the table, surveying its contents for anything she might have
missed. Ah! The turkey had been stuffed this year, she had forgotten about
it. A lusty look crept into her eyes as she slowly reached for the poultry,
eagerly contemplating the moment when she would feel around inside of its
body, groping around, pulling the sticky dressing from within. Her hand was
there. She licked her lips, full knowing that this could possibly be the most
erotic experience of her life. As she felt herself nearing orgasm, she
plunged her hand deep into the lifeless bird.
And pulled it out quickly, screaming in pain, blood gushing from the
stumps where two of her fingers had once been. Her boyfriend quickly wrapped
her hand with a napkin in an attempt to stop the bleeding. All eyes turned
upon the turkey as the dry laughter was heard.

>>9075540
A bloody and somewhat charred Fetus walked from the gaping slit in the
body of the bird, tossing bits of stuffing into the air, catching them with
his mouth, and softly laughing, his eyes glued to the She Bitch's.
He pounced upon her chest, everyone falling to their seats, unable to
move for some unseen force held them fast. Fetus brought his mouth close to
the Bitch's, hers trembling with fear, his covered with food.
"Where I come from...A turkey ALWAYS gets STUFFED!" Fetus began cramming
handfuls of stuffing down Her throat, forcing it upon her, shoving it into her
mouth and forcing her to try to swallow all of it. His concentration broken,
the forces lifted and Her boyfriend reacted first. He grabbed a drumstick
from the turkey and swung it mightily at Fetus.
Who grabbed it and another and jumped through the air, landing on his
attacker's head and began banging away on it, screaming what could only have
been a brutal song of death.
Fetus stuck his toes into the man's ears, whooping wildly as he tried
desperately to shake the undeveloped monster from his head, screaming and
flailing his arms.

>>9071670
I prefer the eye of a churchman.

>>9075548
The Mighty One rode his mount into the china cabinet, gIass shards
cutting deep into the man's body, killing him almost instantly. Fetus bent to
pull some flesh from a mutilated arm when he felt a broomstick smash onto his
back.
He turned slowly and brought his eyes up to meet the gaze of Her Mother,
causing her to shake in fear and begin pathetically trying to exorcise the
demon before her.
"Evil spirits remove thyselves! I cast ye out, abomination! Get thee
behind me, Satan!"
Fetus snatched the broomstick from her trembling hands and did as he was
bid, running behind the woman. He slammed the stick into the small of her
back, she doubled over, and he shoved it far up her ass until it protruded
from her mouth, her corpse slumping over on its side.
He turned and jumped to the table, surveying the scene. Gross had gone
to his room to listen to some tapes Fetus had bought for him, not knowing the
scenes that transpired. Grandmother had moved to the remains of the china
cabinet, munching silently on the flesh of Her Boyfriend, doing as a Follower
should. She herself retched the stuffing, too sick to move for now. And the
Father..

You are eternally my favorite person, OP.

>>9075562
Fetus picked up a pie and slung it at the man, he ducked, Fetus was upon
him. He began pounding upon the sides of Father's skull, harder and harder,
he stood and tried to flee but Fetus held fast with his feet, the crushing
blows finally cracking the shell of his cranium as they neared the stairs.
The man fell downwards, Fetus jumped off, and smiled at the loud crunching of
breaking bones as the man tumbled into a heap and mass of limbs that could not
have been replicated by the living. There was only Her.
The stuffing finally spilled onto the floor, she slowly brought herself
up from the waist to look into the eyes of a fetus.
He grabbed her by the ears and brought her face down into the plate of
food in front of her. Wrapping her hair about his hands he pulled her
struggling body onto the table and smeared cranberry sauce all over her face.
She stood upon the table and screamed her rage. She dextrously hefted the
carving knife and leaped towards Fetus, intent upon slicing his meat.
He tripped her and sent her sprawling onto the other end of the table,
her head resting in a bowl of mashed potatoes, shocked too much to scream from
the pain. Fetus pulled her feet and then turned her over roughly. He yanked
at her jeans, smiling evily as they ripped off, exposing her cloth-covered
bush. Realization lit her eyes, she tried to rise to her feet, slipping on
the food, mumbling pleas for mercy.

>>9075581
Fetus lunged forward and tore away all the clothing from her upper body
in one stroke, she screamed but was powerless to stop him from violently
removing her panties and the tampon.
"No..no..n-n-n-no...p-p-p-puh-p-puh-puh-leez-please..n-no.."
Fetus threw the bloody vaginal insert at her. She regained her feet and
jumped from the table, running towards the living room.
He slammed into the back of her legs, she fell, feeling a hand already
reaching up into her anal region, raking at the flesh inside. She could only
scream.. Fetus rolled her over once again and jumped onto her chest, sucking
noisily at her breasts, then biting the nipples off and spitting them in her
face. She smacked at him and he kicked her in the face, her head falling to
the floor in shock. Fetus shoved his clawed fists into the holes where her
nipples had been and ripped the insides of her tits out, eating them happily,
and then kissed Her, so that she could taste her insides.

>>9075598
He began jumping up and down upon her rib cage, her breath Ieaving her
body in moans of pain, and at last he stopped when he heard the soft pop of
the rib's breaking. He moved between her legs and put a hand under each of
her thighs. "And now the fun can REALLY start, Bitch!"
His short stubby dick dove into her genitals, boring into her flesh like
a tunnel-digger. His little hips pivoted and rammed, her monthly blood
spraying out with each thrust, she screamed again as he brought himself to
ectasy and came all within her. He kicked her over, and mounted her ass. He
drove it home and did it hard, the pain of her ribs and now the pain of her
ass bringing a wail of terror from her, making Fetus only bang harder. Her
screams turned him on, made his penis rock solid. He rammed a fist up into
her cunt as he creamed his juices into her ass and fucked her with his entire
arm.
Her screams grew louder, encouraging him, and he removed his arm. He
pulled her cunt-lips wide apart, then jumped feetfirst back into the womb, her
flesh splitting open, her screams of pain silenced only when her blood ceased
to flow from the wounds.

Pop question: If you are driving through an uncrowded intersection, and a
nigger on a bicycle darts out in front of you, which of the following
should you do:
A) Slam on brakes and hope not to hit the kid,
B) Swerve into the left lane, if nothing is coming and honk the horn, or
C) Accelerate and plaster the nigger across your windshield and rack up a
good 500 points.

While watching all those fucking boring gory movies, I would have chosen C,
but the driver's ed teacher didn't particularly like me and the dude sitting
next to me, so we told him to fuck off and go molest his children.

We had this particular Elvis craze going, and were always striving to top
each other for the best "Elvis Crossing" sign. On a number of occasions, I was
threatened with being thrown out of the class. I usually told the teacher to
go fuck a ten foot tall gorilla in heat.

>>9075641
But honestly, if you pay any attention to the movies they show (which I rarely
did), none of the people drive and act like this. I mean, if some bitch rear-
ends you on the entrance ramp to the interstate, you're not going to get out
of the car and start exchanging information and waiting for the cops to arrive.
You're more than likely going to get out, bust the bitch's windows, drag her
out of the car by the hair, rape her if she isn't an AIDS-infected slut, and
then beat her with whips and chains, steal her purse (credit cards, checks, and
cash all included), and drive the fuck away. If they want us to see driving in
the real world, why don't they show us the facts, not the goddamn Brady Bunch?

Looking a little further, I found some notes we had made from group discussion.
I tried to recall everything that happened, with a little difficulty, but it
went something like this. We had watched a film about some typical drunk
driving bastard speeding down the road at night, with the typical bastard
friends sitting in the car going "FASTER FASTER FASTER" as if they were all
back there conducting an Adam and Eve orgy (refer to "The Fetus" for further
details). And of course, dude wrecks the car, kills eight people, and sits in
court looking pitiful and stupid. So the judge sentenced him on 3 to 5 years
for each of eight counts of vehicular manslaughter and some other shit. We were
then divided into groups to decide our own punishments for this dumbass fuck.
Needless to say me and the dude I sat next to were NOT put in the same group.
First listed is our group's decisions (mostly made by *ME*, the God), and
then are the punishments by the other dude's group. I have left out some
personal things none of you would understand much less know what and who the
fuck I was talking about.

>>9075655
[Our group's decisions]
[Please excuse the reference to Christina, we always made her out to be an
Ax Murderess.]

The drunk driver will serve 40 years in prison, on 5 years for each of
eight counts of vehicular manslaughter. He would not be elegable for parole
until his 24th year. After he eventually gets out his license will be suspended
for 5 years. In this 5 years, he will be sentenced to community service work.
He will be on probation for 10 years after he is out.

He must attend at least three (3) of the following: Alcoholics Anonymous,
Harriett Cohn, Cumberland Hall, and the Betty Ford Clinic.

>>9075678
If this doesn't prove effective Christina Chester will chop off his left hand
and foot and taunt him with pictures of Elvis and make him listen to New
Kids on the Block for five (5) years.

He must sing Led Zeppelin lyrics for three (3) years.

He must wear a black crystal to bring bad luck and go on the Rotation Diet. If
the diet fails, he must become a vegetarian and shave his head.

As an alternate punishment, he will be fried in a G.E. Toaster.

>>9075687
[Other group's punishment]

This punishment will go in five (5) phases.

PHASE 1: His license will be revoked. He will be thrown into a cage with a
horny gorilla. He must wear a sign that says "I killed 8 people!"
He will be made a roadie on the New Kids world tour. On Friday and
Saturday of every week, he must spend time in jail with a large
convicted rapist. Make him wear bell-bottoms and platform shoes.
PHASE 2: [A normal phase] He will go to jail for two (2) years.
PHASE 3: He will be the testing tool for Mary Kay Cosmetics for 6 months.
PHASE 4: Every person in China gets 6 swats at him with a horsewhip.
PHASE 5: He will be publicly hanged. It will be able to be seen on a
pay-per-view basis, consult your local cable company.

GODDAMN

what the fuck is this thread

screencapping it, but I have no idea why, its just...long, and presumably awesome

>>9075701
Additional punishment if any of the two above plans, whether instated
separately or used together, tend to fail:

The prisoner will then be locked in a room with the "Fine Young Cannibals"
and be forced to converse with them about Lesbian Rights Activist Groups
across America, play Barbie Dolls and hopscotch, jump rope, and engage in
various kinky acts.

The accused will then be put on a firing squad, offered Tombstone Pizza and a
napkin, and then shot. Each of the executioners will wield AK-47's, and none
of them will be loaded with blanks.

The rest of our time was spent sitting in class discussing TV commercials and
loudly exclaiming, "Mom, can I ask you a personal question? Do you DOUCHE?"
"Why of course, but I only trust Massengill vinegar and water."

It's really a sad shape to see driver testing in different states. While in
Florida, you undergo a sensible and REAL test, in other states such as
Tennessee all you have to do is drive around the block. It's no wonder we have
so damned many traffic accidents each year.

Another pop question:
In the event of a skid, you should:
A) Turn the wheel in the direction of the skid,
B) Turn the wheel opposite the direction of the skid,
C) Perform your own version of Swan Lake with your car while in the skid,
D) Jump out of the car and hope to land on something soft, or
E) Steer carefully and take down as many mailboxes and old women as you
possibly can before recovering to make the whole damn thing look like
a really bad accident.

>>9075763
I remember myself arguing with the teacher over those stupid drug and alcohol
chapters. God it's great to defend mary jane in a driver's ed class with all
these little Christian Fundys sitting around completely appalled.

I remember watching some movie called like "A Decade of Highway Death" or
something. It was from some highway safety place in Ohio. Ohio residents, I
highly recommend this movie. HAHAHAHA shit, you see some bitch plastered to
the railroad tracks, they try to lift her, her head falls off, and you find
out it's your Aunt Bertha. So THAT'S how she got killed... and your mother told
you she died of a severe yeast infection and itched herself to death. What a
shame. If you want to see some REAL contortionists, watch this movie some time.
One bitch was flung from her car, most all the bones in her body were broken,
blood and shit was all over, and man, I don't see how ANY human could wind up
in THAT position. Heh heh... and the teacher asked me out of curiosity how I
liked the movie. HAHAHA... I told him I loved it, especially when they peeled
that bitch up off the railroad tracks. It's great to be me. I could solicit
money by offering the "Be Gross Genitalia" two-week mind programming kit but
I don't think many of you would fall for that. If so I'll get an address to
you and you can send me some money for me to play with.

>>9075776
Also, I recall watching that film while the state trooper was there. He was
talking something about brakes locking up and only 6 to 21 inches before you
hit the car in front of you or something like that, "6 to 21 inches of
INSTANT DEATH." Oh SHIT... he obviously must have been improvising on a Long
Dong Silver movie... shit at 21 inches I think Long Dong would be quite
impressed. He also told us how he had just returned from California and was
submitted for AIDS testing by the state. I could have said some wonderfully
crude things to the son of a bitch but hey, I didn't feel like tangling with
the really BIG gun he was packing... oh shit, that sounded sick... maybe *I*
need to be submitted for testing... nah, not really.

The best part about driver's ed was turning up some rap tape I happened to
have with me, rolling down the windows, and driving through the projects.
Ha! There's no fear like having eight of the darkest niggers you've ever
seen line up in front of a driver's ed car and yell at you. That is, unless,
you *ARE* one of the darkest niggers you've ever seen in which case all the
brothers will laugh at you, slide you a quarter bag, bust out the left rear
window, rip off the "student driver" sign and steal the hubcaps. Of course if
you were in that shape I don't think welfare would pay for a driver's ed course
so I better shut up before I get too racially prejudiced and downright crude.

Before I go any further, I must ask myself a question. Why in the hell am I
writing a file about driver's education? Oh shit, I MUST be desperate.

what the fucking motherfucking fuck is this this shit?

>>9075712
Why bother screencapping when it's all been saved already?
http://www.textfiles.com/magazines/TOXICSHOCK

>>9075831
Shhh, now.

Do Too
Do Not
Do Too
Do Not
Do
Don't
Do
Don't
Tastes Great
Less Filling
Tastes Great
Less Filling
Your Mamma
Your Mama's Mama
Yeah I Know Her
Do Not
Do Too
Do Not
Do Too
Not
Too
Not
Too
Don't
Do
Don't
Do

it all started one day as young archibald was sitting in his room.
archibald was a nerd in every sense of the word. he wore glasses that
were taped in the middle and he also wore a pocket protector in his
left pocket full of pens. he wardrobe consisted of hand-me-down
clothes from the 1960's and he had a stupid laugh(sounds familiar
huh?) he had recently recieved a ultra-k00l commodork..er..commodore
64 and a hyperfast 300 baud modem. he also got a sleek 1540 vic
dick..er..disk drive and a 40 column black/white monitor. he had got a
q-link subscription with his modem and he decided to join. the ad said
meet new and exciting people. he thought he could meet some girls.

as he logged on to q-link his thoughts drifted back to the girls he
might meet. his dick got hard and began to pulsate. as soon as he
entered people connection, his eyes were assaulted by the shit on the
monitor. 30 fuckups were trying to chat with each other at the same
time! he jumped in there typing, "yo d00dez my name is archibald and i
want to fuck you!" as soon as he hit return a sysop busted on and
typed, "watch your langauge this is a public board." he then typed,
"are you female?" her answer was prompt, "yes." he typed,"well come to
my house and suck my throbbing dick!" he was then disconnected with a
loud click.

>>9075887
well finding that he would get no satisfaction from q-link he
decided to look elsewhere for pleasure. he then went to bed and dreamt
about a man named buck. he dreamt that buck had a 12 and 1/2 inch dick
and that he had fucked him in the ass. when he woke up there was a
foul odor in the bedroom. he lifted the covers and found that he has
shit himself in the night. "damn!",he said softly to himself.

well that day at school was like all other days at school. pure
hell! all the kids picked on him and none of the girls would talk to
him. archibald was not a big kid. he was very wiry and had slicked
back black hair. he also had this great, big, oozing, zit on his nose.
he liked all the girls and flirted with them. but most of the time he
became too lewd and got slapped or kicked in the balls. there was one
special girl. her name was betty cunt. she was a major babe. she was
the head cheerleader and had some of the biggest tits archibald had
ever seen(he had not seen any except in porn mags) most of the time
her nipples poked through her shirts. she had honey-colored hair that
came down to the middle of her back. she was dating biff, the
quarterback on the football team. biff was atypical dumb jock, but a
big dumb jock.

>>9075899
today was the day when archibald was gonna ask betty out. his locker
was right next to his, so after 1st period he was gonna ask her.
during first period he imagined betty sucking his pathetic pecker. his
dick suddenly got very hard. he unzipped his pants and began jerking
off in class. the teacher suddenly looked back at archibald and said,
"what the hell are you doing back there!" archibald's daydream was
broken and he suddenly stopped jerking off. he was so startled that he
stood straight up with his boner hanging out. he then was very
embarressed. but then his embaressment turned into rage. how could
this bitch of a teacher do this to him. the teacher whose name is miss
honeycunt, was very beutiful. he then began to walk up to her, his
boner in hand. "yo cunt, get ready to be raped!", he screamed. the
boys in the class began to chant "poke that pussy!" that made him even
more harder. the girls were getting all hot. they had never seen a
dick as big as archibald's.

>>9075920
miss honeycunt was startled by this sudden outburt, yet she couldn't
help getting alittle wet. he did have a big dick. when he reached the
desk miss honeycunt had already gotten on top of it and lifted her
skirt. she wore no panties so her blond cunt hair was exposed.
archibald put his head between her legs and began to suck on her clit.
she started to moan. "louder bitch!", yelled archibald between slurps.
she moaned louder. as soon as she came, he got on top the the desk and
began to mount her. by this time the whole class was so hot that
everbody began to fuck. but the guys outnumbered the girls 2 to 1 so
each girl took two guys. it was like a massive orgy. as archibald
slowly inserted his dick, honeycunt began to moan. suddenly he shoved
all 11 inches of cock into her. she gasped and began to make
animal-like sounds. archibald pulled it out with a big slurping noise.
then he plunged it in again and again and again. when he was about to
come he pulled it out and shot cum all over honeycunt's face. "there
ya go bitch!", yelled archibald. she then licked the cum off her nose
and lips. archibald had the sudden urge to piss, so he did. in miss
honeycunt's face. just then the bell rang. he left class unsatisfied.

>>9075939
by the time he got to his locker, everyone in school had heard of
what he had done. so had betty. "your a fucking pervert!", she told
archibald at his locker. that pissed archibald off but he kept his
cool. "i bet you'd like it up the ass betty.", he said. just as he
said that biff walked up. biff had heard what archibald said. "your
dead meat dickhead!", yelled biff. eveyone in the halls suddenly
became silent. it was a deathly silence. biff pick archibald up and
slammed his head into a locker. which broke arch's glasses. just then
the principle walked out of his office. mr. bumfuck was a big black
man. he grabbed biff by the head and jerked him into his office.
"we're not done yet!", yelled biff. as the door closed muffled screams
of agony could be heard. everybody knew that mr. bumfuck was a fucking
fag. archibald picked up his broken glasses and smiled at betty and
said, "oh well i guess biff will be a big asshole and have one too!"
she then kicked archibald in the nuts.

>>9075953
after school he followed betty home. betty lived in a nice suburban
home. it was a white house with a white picket fence and a cute little
dog(awww how sweet. heh-heh-heh) she seemed to be alone. he guessed
that her parents worked. as soon as she was in he heard the t.v. pop
on. it was on mtv and it was loud. hard 30 was on and megadeth was
doing peace sells(killer song). he then opened the front door and
snuck in.

>>9075971
he saw her sitting on the couch talking on the phone to one of her
girlfriends. he snuck into the kitchen a quietly picked up the phone.
"isn't archibald just great!", said her friend. "no, he is a fucking
dweeb, lozer, geek, and he has that obnoxious laugh!", betty replied.
after hearing this he put the reciever back on the cradle. he knew
what must be done. he walked back to the archway that lead to the
living room. she had just now got off the phone and was just sitting
there watching t.v. he snuck up behind her and grabbed her. he put his
hand over her mouth so she couldn't scream. he then lifted her over
the couch(a great feat of strength huh?) and layed her down. he pulled
a bandana out of his pocket and tied it around her mouth. then he tied
her up with some rope he found in the kitchen(amazing how he has all
this stuff huh?) he looked at her and said, "bitch, if you promise not
to screami'll take the gag off." she nodded her head. he then undid
the bandana and said, "i can do anything i want to ya bitch and you
can't even scream for help 'cause nobody is gonna hear you!" "my
parents are gonna be home soon and my dad is gonna fuckin kill ya!",
she screamed at him. she then spit in his face. he just laughed and
pissed in her's. "you really should have gone out with me, now i'm
gonna have to rape ya!", he said matter of factly. her face turned
pale, but ye there was a burning sensation in her loins. she couldn't
control it. he had some power, some look in his eyes that said, "your
mine and you can't stop me!" he then got up and went to the kitchen
where he got the mayo and a butter knife.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING

whatthefuckblox

>>9075989
when he came back in she said, "what are you doing?" "you'Il see",
he replied. he them began to unbutton her pants. he slid them off with
ease. she had a pair of black lace panties on. you could see the blond
pussy hair through them. he then unbuttoned her shirt. she had on a
matching bra. she tried to control it but her nipples got hard anyway.
then removed his own pants and shirt. he then slid her panties off.
exposing her wet pussy. he then open the mayo jar and dipped the knife
in it. he stared menacingly toward her. "what are you gonna do with
that?", she asked shakely. she got her reply when he thrust it into
her pussy. she yelled out in pain. he began to slide it in and out of
her. each time she would yell more loudly. after he was finished he
found the dog and thrust the knife into the dogs cunt then removed it
and stuck it in the throat. as he did a spurt of blood shot out of the
dog. he gladly licked the blood off the floor. he went back in to the
kitchen and found a bumpy cucumber about 7 inches in length and 4 inch
in diameter. he brougth it into the living room. betty was only half
counscious because of the pain. he then shoved the full length of the
cucumber in her pussy. he could hear her delicate tissues ripping. he
just laughed. after he was done with the cucumber he tossed it aside.
he slapped her and said, "wake up its not over yet!" she woke up and
remembered where she was. she was about to scream but then she
realized that she had a burning need for a cock. her pussy hurt like
it was on fire but she had a yerning for a dick.

>>9076014
archibald gladly obliged her. he shoved hi full 11 inches in her.
she moaned as he began to pump. to her suprise it felt good. as he
pumped he bit her nipples until the bled. but it didn't hurt, it kinda
felt good. "fuck me harder!", she yelled. he was puzzled. he sure
thought she would hate him. oh well he began to pump harder. she began
to bleed. but she didn't care, it felt too damn good. she came about 6
times before achibald came in her face. he then licked the cum off her
face and began to lick her pussy clean of blood and mayonaise. he
started to lick her clit with such intensity that she came in about 5
seconds. he then bit her clit off. she let out a piercing scream of
agony, and passed out. he then went to the kitchen and got a steak
knife and came back. he thrust the knife into her abdomen, sending
blood everywhere. her eyes opened for a minute and then closed again.
she was fuckin dead! he then took out her large intestine and began to
chew on it. pretty damn good, he thought.

>>9076038
just as he was finishing her intestines, betty's parents walked in.
he dove over the couch and took the steak knife with him. the mother
walked in to the living room, and the mother screamed. the father
then walked in and said, "what the fuck...." his words were cut short
as archibald threw the knife at the father. it caught the father in
the throat, spewing blood everywhere. he then jumped up from behind
the couch and hit the mother in the face. she went down. she was out
cold. he undressed her and fucked her. what the hell, he thought and
undressed the father and fucked him too. after he was done he stompped
the mother's face in. he stommped it until it was a bloody mass. he
then licked her face. he dined on her eyeballs. they were suprisingly
good. then he left.

>>9076062
when he got home he went up to his room and shut the door. he then
went to bed dreaming of intestines. he woke up about two in the
morning. he had a yerning for pussy and killing. he dressed quickly
and got his trusty buck knife from his closet. he left the house
grinning wickedly.

he walked about 4 miles from home and found himself in a residential
neighborhood. he picked a house completely at random and broke in
quietly(yeah right) he quietly snuck up stairs and found the bedroom.
he opened the door softly and say a man and a woman lying in bed
asleep. he walked up to the man and slit his throat. he died quietly.
he then punch the woman in the face and began to fuck her. after he
came on her face, he shoved the knife in her skull. he then cut the
top of her head off and feasted on her brain.what phun this is, he
thought. after he was done he left as quietly as he came.

>>9076077

he went back home satisfied. he got out of his soiled clothes and
went back to bed. the next morning when he woke up his mother was
staring at him in a strange way. she grabbed his dick and began to
fondle it. "your father has been dead along time and i need a man.",
she said. even though it was his mother his dick got hard. he grabbed
her and threw her down. he began to fucke her with slow, deliberate
strokes. she moaned. he came in her face. then he licked it off. he
liked the taste of his cum. he then fucked his mother in the ass.
damn, it was tighter than her pussy. when he pulled his dick out it
was coverd with shit. "lick it off bitch", he yelled. she complied.
then he shit on her stomach ch and rubbed it in. he made her lick his
hand clean. after he was done he said, "get out bitch you stink!" she
left crying. "shuddup cunt!", he yelled at her. he left for school
thinking of what he would do today....