this is relevant to my interests....


hmmmm why am i interested in tard stories again? oh YEAH cus there FUKKEN FUNNY

bumping for tardtastic stories of retardedness!

I had a birthday party that my mom threw for me and she of course sent out my invitations for me to invite all my friends from the small community. She apparently though the Tard down the street roger was one of my friends or something because he got an invitation too.
Anyways it was early in the party and we were outback jumpin on a trampoline while my mom was busying herself with preparing things. A few people had already arrived when Rog (Half the time he'd only respond to Rog, only adults could call him Roger) showed up at the door with his present in hand. No one answered the door and he let himself in. We didn't even know that he was in the house when he apparently heard the call of nature. He wasn't familiar with our house or something and couldnt find a bathroom within sight of the front door(i know its hard with these inventions called hallways) and seated himself above a punchbowl that was on the table next to the door, entirely removed his pants, and began to take a nasty tard shit, right into the punch bowl.
Just as he was mid-turtlehead pokin out several other guests arrived, and walked in to find this greasy, rib-thin guy with the happiest look on his face makin a boom-boom in my Kool-aid. At the shock of being walked in on he grabbed his gift for the part and ran out the door, without his pants, and down the street back to his house. His mom made him apologize but we still had to clean it up.

I just have a kinda funny story about the retarded kid named Pat that I went to high school with. A lot of kids picked on him, though usually nothing too bad.
One day he wanted to play basketball with me and my friends, and my friend Tom started making fun of him. Tom started kinda dancing around and saying "Pat, Pat, the bad mother fucker, Pat. Pat's a bad mother fucker." Well I guess Pat had heard enough of it and decided that he was going to fight Tom. Pat was about 5'8 and weighed maybe 100 pounds, but he snapped, and charged Tom.
As he ran over to Tom, his eyes and mouth were wide open. He made that "UUUUHHHH" tard sound. Pat had REALLY bad teeth, they were all crooked and yellow. He bit Tom and wouldn't let go. Tom freaked out, he started yelling for help and trying to shake his arm free. It looked like something out of a bad horror movie, like Attack of the Retarded Vampire. None of us could help him, because we were laughing so hard.

Eventually I think Pat forgot why he was biting Tom and stopped. People didn't pick on Pat too much after that.

My best tard memory comes from elementary school, I was in the 5th grade or so. They used to let them out to recess at the same time as everyone else and even play with the normal kids. As you can imagine, hilarity frequently ensued.

Everyone knew the various tard's names (mostly because the teacher would yell 'so-and-so, stop that!') and habits. Some were naughty, like going around stealing balls and then putting them down their pants, and others were just dumb. Like they'd chase you in circles around a hidey hole climber thing, and then get confused and lost if you got in the hidey hole. Great fun was had. Others were nudists. One of them had a penchant for taking off his pants and running around. I can remember one time both pants and underwear came off and were tossed in the gutter. For some reason they were never reclaimed, and sat there gathering filth for a week.

Anyway, one day I used a particularly foul word while playing a game of soccer and one of the dumber tards heard me and decided to tell the teacher. So I get called over and the teacher asks the tard 'What was the word?' But the tard, who obviously had been told to NEVER say bad words could only say "A bad word!" Teacher: "Yes, but what was it?" Tard: "A BAD WORD!!"

This went on for a couple more minutes before the teacher let me go back to playing the game.

I'm sitting in my final period class--study hall 'cause I'm a lazy SOB-- listening to the tard in my class babble on about nothing in particular and occasionally laugh that goofy tard laugh.

You have to understand: this is in rural Pennsylvania, a few miles outside of Gettysburg, so not only is the kid retarded, but he's a redneck military lunatic. He has this camoflauge backpack that he carries with him and talks to all the time (its name, apparently, is "Commander"-- I can't make this shit up).

Anyway, he had just come from P.E. class, and he smelled worse than usual. I mean, he usually smelled like a tard that never bathed and had just taken P.E., but-- shit, today it was really bad. One of the assholes in the class (a senior) looks at him and asks why he smells so bad.

contd in next post

contd>>7337194
"Not me," he says.

"Not you? Then what smells so bad?"

"Lieutenant."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yup."

At this, the tard proceeds to reach into his backpack and pull out a skinned squirrel. I'm not shitting you. The thing smells like it's been in his backpack for a couple of days at this point. So he pulls this thing out of his tardpack and then--AND THEN--he starts to fucking GNAW on the squirrel's head.

Christ, it was disgusting. By this point, girls have run screaming from the room, and at least one of the guys has puked. The "study hall supervisor" (also our P.E. instructor) comes back from the bathroom amid all the racket. He comes in and sees the tard chewing on something and decides to confront the tard about it (against the rules to have food, you know).

"Hey, whatcha got the--OH, SHIT." He immediately goes into deal-with-the-fucking-tard mode and soothingly coaxes the tard into removing the squirrel from his mouth.

The tard complies, then looks right in the supervisor's eyes and says, deadpan, "Commander doesn't like Lieutenant." I don't know what happened to him after that; he was transferred out of study hall and kept in the all-tard classes from then on.

Wow for a bunch of depressed fags you guys are dicks. Maybe thats why you are lonely in the first place Robots.

My dad has always worked with retarded kids, and sometimes he feels compelled to bring them into our home for events like Thanksgiving or birthday parties. This has been a source of horror for my mother and entertainment for me for years. Last year on Turkey Day, my dad brought home a kid who is a total spaz. He sat completely stil through the meal, and then very, very, very slowly lowered his face into his plate as if he were passing out in slow motion. He lay nose down in mashed potatoes for a good 45 seconds (can the guy breathe gravy?) and just as my mom was begging my father to "Do something for Christ's sake!" the gravy sucker starts cleaning his plate, doggie style, with no hands, licking every damn morsel up. He made little snorting noises like a piglet. I laughed till I cried, and I will never forget my father kindly taking the arm of what was now a red sweatsuit with thanksgiving dinner stuck to it, and hauling him into our bathroom to get hosed off. Later he chewed the arm off of my baby cousin's doll while he was waiting for his parents to take him away. For my money, that beats football and cranberries any day.

oh u


also your a faggot :3

these stories are pretty lulzy
:3

Two weeks ago I went out and had a really good night blah blah, came back to flat and smoked a joint. Went into kitchen with friend Helen, was dared to eat an onion so ate a bit of onion. Decided to throw rest of onion, some cream and a batch of eggs on the cars below the window. Felt really guilty so went down to clean the cars. On way back upstairs, needed to fart. So farted and pooed a really really diarrhoea-y poo all down my leg :(

Had to run upstairs and clean it up and finish poo-ing. Threw shitty pants out of window.

/my retard story :(

My mom teaches pre-school for developmentally delayed 3 and 4 year olds. We'll call them Tards in Training [tits].

Every once in a while she coerces me into coming to school with her when I'm on breaks for a day to meet the kids, socialize, gain some perspective and insight into why when she gets home at night she feels the need to beat her head repeatedly into the wall. This morning was one of those mornings when I was too emotionally weak to fend off her pleas, so I decide to check out the TITs.

This week is "Transportation Week" and they are supposedly doing all sorts of activities that have to do with transportation. When I get there the kids are coloring school buses and after half an hour of reminding them that school buses are yellow, my mom calls all the TITs over to read "The Little Engine That Could."

contd in next post

>>7337249
These are supposed to be stories about actual tards, not about dumb shit you've done. Unless you're a tard yourself...

>>7337263
contd

Most of the kids comply, as they are pretty much devoid of willpower, except this one little Tard. He's 4 years old , 60 pounds, about the size of a baby hippo. When I ask him if he wants to go sit on the carpet, he begins thrashing around and throws crayons and paper pieces everywhere. He proceeds to run around the room, but then spots a pile of tires (bicycle, big wheel, car) that the teacher's assistant had brought in to show the kiddies later.
"Fattie" Tit (as I am now calling him) decides the best way to get some peace is to hide in the tires, but the kid is the size of a hippo and gets stuck. He is suddenly terrified because he can't move his arms and begins running around the room again, a stack of tires concealing his arms, upper torso and head, screaming wildly, and then suddenly stops and collapses like he passed out. So my mom and I go over to him (and by this time the rest of the kids are running around screaming to) and he's staring up at us like a deer caught in headlights.
I decide that I'm not really cut out to work with Tards in Training so I head home but man... An hour of working with those kiddies is just enough reassurance that teaching is not my forte.

also
stop blocking posts it IS original dam it i mean wtf

need more TARD TALES!

Anyone remember that website where the chick blogged a few years worth of stories from teaching tards?

>>7337350
no i dont...
you wouldnt happen to have the url would you :3

>>7337358
Of course not. Why would I ask if I already had it? Goddamn tards tarding up tard tiem...

>>7337350
www.fullduplex.org/tardblog/
a mirror of the site, original is long gone

bloxxxxxxblox

>>7337119
nuff said
tardblocks

>>7337375
HURHH DURHH
YOU ASK ME FOR URL
SO YOU MUST HAVE
GIVE NOW!

>>7337404
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I would like to be.
I can fly higher than an eagle
Because you are the wind beneath my etc.

this thread is god tier....

:D

>>7337358
tard-blog.com

bampitybuuuump


tardblox

bumping for MOAR STORIED OF TARDSSSS
CMOOOOOOOON
gogogo!

Back in third grade, there was a tard named Jared. Jared was unusually big for his age, and his mane of long, curly hair only added to his already considerable size. Jared slurred his words, spoke simply, had the mind of a pre-schooler, and had a very, very short temper.

Jared was already infamous for his exploits of attempting to beat the shit out of any who made fun of him. He had never successfully gotten in more than one or two hits.

So I'm in chorus. Jared is too, as is a gaggle of talkative, annoying girls. We're singing. We sound horrible. Jared's voice sticks out. When we finish our song, the teacher starts giving us pointers as usual, when I overhear a girl name Emily mention to her friends that "Jared is making us sound so bad." Next thing I know, Jared is letting out a battle roar while hoisting one of the chair-desks over his head with his retard strength. He tosses it at Emily, and it hits her in the head, sending her toppling across the room, screaming and crying. Jared starts yelling unintelligibly at her while crying, a furious look on his face, and is quickly taken away by the teacher and his monitor. Emily went home for the day. It wasn't much longer before I never saw Jared again.

>>7337540
Clark honey, I can picture it in my mind and it's breathtaking.

I, along with a friend, went to volunteer at the Special Olympics at a local bowling alley. There were tards who were bowling with siderails on and stuff and they did pretty good. Anyway, there was a tall, skinny tardboy who wanted to go take a piss. Unfortunately,the lady there told ME to take him to the restrooms.
Once in the bathroom, the tard takes off his pants, and shows me his dick and apparently wanted me to do something with it! I told him to take a piss and point it elsewhere, like into the urinal.The tard then proceeds, to my horror, to drop his pants and open his butt hole. I think he had been sexually abused or something.

I walked out and waited outside. I didn't even wait, I just left.

>>7337540
awwww poor jared
if only we still had arenas
that is where we would put violent tards :)

this thread is WIN
:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P
tardblox

moar tard tales NOW!gogogog


tardblox

>>7337428
:3

read this man

Back in high school my buddy and I were out of the classroom for one bullshit reason or another. Anyways we both had to take a piss (I know this seems weird, but I dunno it just happened) so we went by the school washroom to the urinals.

There were four urinals lined up, he took the one closest to the entrance, I took the second last one from the door because the far one was really, really filthy (In other words, there's one urinal between us)

So the school tard came in, didn't bother checking the farthest urinal or using the one (usually clean) toilet stall, and proceeded to go between us, not even lean into the urinal, and dropped his pants right down. It was hillariously awkward, and my friend beat me out of the washroom.

Once I got out I said something along the lines of "Neato..." and he told me he had power-pissed. I'd never heard that term before for pissing as quickly possible, and that made me laugh even more.

Although it was very odd, I wasn't really surprised by it. Besides, that person made my high school years with his various antics.

>>7337950
power piss
is now a meme

epic thread is EPIC


IN THE TARD WAY

bumptardbump

tardbumptard

>>7337970

BECAUSE MY PISS IS MOTHERFUCKING POWERFUL

>>7338101
FUCK YEAR!!!!
power piss FTW

Back in highscool I took all my classes at the community college near me through a neat program.

Everything but PE.

So fuck yeah I took walking fitness at my home highschool, because fuck PE. (not a fatty, but Im certainly not fit and certainly did not WANT to work to be fit at the time)

Well, guess where they put all the neat disabled people. Walking Fitness.

Did not bother me at all, I went there for an hour a day and left.

But I do gotta say, I saw some pretty neat stuff.


This black kid, and this tall white kid would always.... battle.

Like. They would be pokemon, or wizards, or dragons.

And they would duel each other while everyone did exercises. And they got INTO that shit.

At one point one of them must have taken a CRITICAL HIT, and there was a whole long ass speech before the victor finally finished him off execution style with a fireball or something.

I loved that class.

Near the end, the black guy got in a fight with another SUPER tarded black kid. Like. Preying Mantis style with headlock and what not.

I guess it was over the hottest disabled girl in the group or something.


I'm never going to forget that class though. Just walkin on the track, having that kid run past me Naruto run style to catch up with the other fleeing kid all the time.

>>7338125
omg sounds badass lol

>>7338146
lame post is lame

>>7338174
Unoriginal Post is Unoriginal.

i used to know this mentally retarded kid that lived down the street from me. anyway, kid was obsessed with trains. my parents knew his parents so we'd go to their house sometimes for dinner/parties and whatnot (real rich part of town, so little suare's were normal =/). his room was chalked full of train paraphernalia; model trains, spikes, track sections, conductor hats. one day, i stayed home sick from school and a train came by my house. it woke me up at about 10am and i looked outside to check the thing out, and there was that retard, fucking masturbating to the passing train. i went out to tell my mom all about it and she told me that that's what dude does! i never went to their house again.

>>7338198
fail post is fail

also you fail :/

>>7338201
sooooooooooo
your mom had no problem with him jacking off outside your house?
wtf lol

in 4th grade I was the hall monitor at my elementary school. One of the tards, a fat black kid with a very bad mohawk was extremely into Dragon Ball Z and every morning would, as soon as he came into the building, look at me from down the hall, drop to one knee, throw his arms out and go "KAMEHAMEHA." I would stare blankly and he'd often do it two or three it times before shuffling off.

>>7338317
..........................................................
meh ive heard much, much worse

i went to middle school in a small town and there was one retarded kid named jimmie (i am 100% serious this is years before south park even began to air). he was allowed into some normal activities like lunch, and all the guys would treat him like he was the coolest bro in school. obviously, they did it to make fun of him but jimmie didn't understand.

anyway we had this little 8th grade formal dance at the end of the year, and jimmie got to attend. all the guys were pumping him up like he was the coolest, in order to make him do retarded break dancing type moves. everyone was watching and laughing. eventually he got so wound up that he pulled down this girls dress top and bra. while he did it he shouted "BOOBIES!!!!"

well once in my elementary school there was this FAT retard called helen and i dont mean chuby i mean morbidly obese :/ well she always had this terrible stench on her so i tended not to go near her :)
well one day its about 10 mins before school ends so the teacher tells us to talk amongst ourselves, immediatly helen is begging the teacher to let her go to the bathroom and hes like helen theres like 2 mins left you must wait

2 mins later and there was piss EVERYWHERE
on her seat
on the floor
on her FUCKING TABLE! i mean how do you piss on the table did she climb on it and do a fucking dance mid piss
after that though the teacher was much more lenient with letting us go to the bathroom

Most of these are reader submitted stories on the tard blog
http://www.fullduplex.org/tardblog/

>>7338383
jimmie is the MAN!

In 3rd grade, our homeroom class had this retard named alden or something. she was your average tard. the funniest thing I remember about her was when the yearbook came out at the end of the year. In it, every class had a particular question that every student would answer underneath their name on our homeroom page. our question was "What is your favorite thing about America?". most kids answered "freedom" or "the 4th of July" or some shit like that. well next to Alden's picture, THE FUNNIEST tard picture I've ever seen of her bent foward with her face blank and her mouth hanging open, with the quote in all caps next to her, "I LIKE TO PLAY". I laughed every single time I opened that yearbook. I'll never forget you Alden...

>>7338468
looooooool
''i like to play''

Despite the /b/tards on this thread, I find these stories to be incredibly funny. Bumping for hopefully more funny stories.

>>7338485
OP here
thanks :p

>>7337210
>>7337225
>>7337428
>>7337455
/b/tards GTFO

Not very much of a story, but I had this kid with a strong case of aspergers in my school and he would always drop his pants when taking a piss in the urinals.

>>7338523
why do so many tards do this....
it rlly isnt that hard even for a tard :/
hey i rhymed :D

>>7338529
Go back to /b/.

m00tblawks

My grade school was a TINY little school with a 7th and 8th grade class of about 20 people, total. In this class, here was a girl named Devin. She was in 7th, I was in 8th. You could tell that there was something wrong with her; She wasnt exactly "HURF DURF" brand of retarded, she just had a lot of social problems. She would have complete breakdowns at the very mention of criticism of any of her schoolwork. She also started stalking a friend of mine; Follow him around town and trying to flirt with him in a completely retarded way. And during one of the dances, she started GRINDING with one of my FEMALE friends.

Last I heard, she was getting a lot of resources poured into her to no effect. She was the one reason that I hated that school.

I'm amazed at how many tard stories involve them shitting in unusual places. Is this some sort of tendency with them? Do they like dropping a deuce in the middle of public places or what?

So last year we had a retarded blind chick at our school, and she met a blind boy. Guess what happened? They made babies!!!

I have lived in 2 european countries and have never met a mentally disabled person.
America you have crappy genetics.

We had this one retard that came to school
when I was a senior, so he was about 13
(grade 8) he was the sort of tard that was
in limbo as in to normal for special school
and to retarded for normal school (but his
parents put him here anyway.

all us seniors liked to play rugby on the oval during lunch times and sometimes the younger kids liked to join in as well .

this tard was fucking huge, six foot, built and had a bad temper. but no one would pace him the ball so he lets out a battle roar and starts picking up other 8th graders and throwing them at the seniors and we sit back and laugh as this fucking hulk takes on 20 little kids and uses them as fucking javelins.

we had to help hold him down and he start squealing and biting until a teach came.

and he told the teacher that we beat him up

so we got fucked over and put in detention for a week

>>7338648
agreed :/

americasgenessuckblawks

>>7338638
BLIND babies?

>>7338627
It's ok if they see a dog do it.

There were a few in my high school that did odd stuff.

These two would go to the cafeteria every time during block 2 and clean the table but one ALWAYS took his shoes off and ran around under the tables going "HUUUUHHH".

Another was walking down the hallway, stopped, picked up a pop sitting in the middle of the hall and started drinking it as she walked away.

>>7338652
man tards are jerks
who would have known

>>7338666
now THATS just plain unhygenic an-

OMFG 666 SATAN WORSHIPPER!!!!! :O

this thread is awesum MOAR TARD STORIES!|!

I met a (very) mildly retarded girl once.

I'm not at all proud of what I did with her.

>>7338775
every one does shit they regret

the best way to get over it is to tell us and then never speak of it again

>>7338775
HOLY SHIT IT'S YOU

RETARD GIRL FUCKER.

>>7338775
tell us what happened
DO IT FAGGOT!

>>7338795

I had her suck me off, then I fucked her. My giddy god, seeing it in text makes it all the worse. I had her swallow my jizz, too. Feels bad, man.

>>7338848
well
how did it come to that lol
tell the whole story
from the beginning....

>>7338775
Do you mean retarded for a person or for a girl?
There's a big difference.

>>7338867
>>7338867
he makes a good point :/


mootyblowksisbullshit

>>7338865

Well, my brother works with adolescent retards, and I went along to help the bugger out. It was like looking into a Chernobyl school. There was, however, one mildly attractive one. They left me alone with her (because she'd done something or other wrong) while they took the other retards on a walk, and being the amoral arsehole that I am, I basically tricked her into fucking me. I had to finish up pretty quickly, because I heard them coming up the stairs, but hell, a hole's a hole.

>>7338867

Retard for a person. The more I type, the better I feel! Wow, I'm so pleased!

>>7338942
that's like saying a retard is a person

>>7338942
You're gonna have to give 4chan the full story, you son of a bitch.

Let's hear it.

>>7338971
you son of bitch whore stoly now

>>7338942
Full story you sly motherfucker

>>7338971

Whatever, I'll fill in the gaps, but I'm no professional writer.

Her name was Lisa or something.
I pretended to like horses when they were all away, to get some converstion out of her (she was painting horses).
She knocked something over (I think it was glass jar they were using to hold water for painting or a glass of water, because they weren't allowed sugar) and it smashed.
I cut my hand picking it up.
"There's only one way you can apologize to me."
I think she trusted me, because I was trying to be friendly.
She was grateful that I didn't tell them about the jar, so grateful that she didn't tell about how she apologized to me.

Honestly, it's like something out of a bad porno flick.

>>7339050
i still dont see how you tricked her into fucking you.....
did you just whip it out and say suck it like a lollipop or did you do something else lol

I go to school where the tards are allowed to eat lunch and go to gym with us. Well once I was in hall that holds all of our art classes, and what else? The Sped rooms for the older ones, I was sitting in the hall as one of my friends was smoking a cig, in the bathroom when this one male tard is staring at me from the entrance of the boys room. I got really spooked and so I went into the girls room, he follows me but I didn't notice because I went into the small and lit up myself, well then I looked up and saw him sitting in the sink. We have this big traff like things as sinks in the girls room, he is standing in the middle trying to get a peak at me using the loo. I scream bloody murder and he proceeds to run into the door of my stall and scream at me to stop. He starts yanking at the handle and screaming louder than I am, that's not the best part, he ran back over to the sink and squatted and was yelling at me to shut up he was just using the bathroom and starts taking a shit in the traff thing.
His tard teacher came in and pulled him out mid shit and begged me to to tell the principal about it ect. because she had left him alone in the class room.

>>7339092

Well, retards tend to overreact, yes? Well, when I cut my hand, I pretended that it hurt far more than it did, and she WAS very apologetic. Basically she said 'I'll do anything if you don't tell [Tripfag's brother]', and so I took it from there. I feel like shit even remembering this.

I used to go to high school wit this tard named Leith. He was obsessed with two things: Rap music and Rambo.
Whenever he entered a room he would try to commando roll in or take cover around the corner and peek around while elling too the teacher "Is it all clear?".
He also used to ambush people and challenge them to rap battles which just consisted of him rambling in gibberish for about 30secs then crouching in a bboy stance before running away.

>>7339145
and when you say you took it from there.....
dont spare any detail my friend no matter how disgusting and despicable.

>>7339145
don't worry man, you will forget this shit eventually

>>7339145

>Someone with name "Tripfag"
>Isn't even using a trip

>>7339164

Okay, first things first; It's fucking creepy that you want to know about this.

And secondly; It's hilarious that you believed every word of the bullshit I just spewed.

Enjoy your sad, retard fucking fantasies, virgin.

We had a retard that went to my private school growing up, and everyone called him dodo.

He was so fucking stupid.

>>7339211

thats the point of the anonimity oh wise one

>>7339222
that my friends
is what we call getting pwned

>>7339228

What you have just said makes no sense, but ok.

>>7339247
um, yes it does make sense.

>>7339253


I thought it was obvious I was asking for an elaboration.

>>7339050

ohgodthisishot

>>7339262
in that case
your saying he has the word tripfag in his tripfag therefore somehow demeaning his identity, which is to not be anonymous since he has a tripfag, but he still is anonymous so yeah :/

>>7339272

No, not I'm not. I'm pointing out the fact that he is not using a tripcode.

>>7339222

okay sure whatever

In my high school music theory class, there was this tall tard with long, black curly hair whose name was Mike.

I'm pretty sure he was a savant or something, because he was fucking awesome at guitar. This kid could shred like a pro. But in all other aspects of his existence, he was pretty retarded.

So anyway, we were taking a test and our teacher came up with an extra credit question for us. We had to list as many food items we could think of using the letters A, B, C, D, E, F, and G (guess why, hurdur).

After a few minutes, Mike raises his hand.

"Yes Michael?"

"MRS. HUGHES? IS CIGARETTES A FOOD?"

He ended up going to Berkley.

In 11th grade there was a tard named glenn in my gym class. Glenn didn't like being called Glenn and instead chose, for whatever reason, to go by Dave. So we are playing soccer and dave is the goalie and is geting super-hardcore into it. The gym teacher yelled out damn Dave is dirty, thus earning Dave the name "Dirty Dave." The next year me and a few friends see Dirty Dave sitting by himself at lunch shoveling down cheese, lunch meat, and juice boxes. After a couple days of seeing Dirty Dave do the exact same thing every day, a friend and I decide to confront him. We go up to ho him and invite him to come sit with us, and he doesn't respond. My friend calls him Glenn, which causes him to freak out at her, screaming "If you reallly wanted to be my friend you would call me Dirty Dave!". We walked away and lold

ARCHIVE THIS THREAD NOW
this awesomeness must be preserved

>>7339445

Another story about Mike.

One day, we all had to break off into groups to work on composing a short 12 bar blues piece. Me and this other kid, Noah, head into one of the practice rooms to start working. Of course, we didn't actually plan on accomplishing anything, we were just going to go dick around (in b4 gay accusations).

So we're in the room, I'm on keys and Noah's playing some Metallica crap when Mike enters. He just sits down, plugs his guitar into an amp and starts shredding. We're watching him, and he starts singing:

I'M A BARBIE GIRL
IN A BARBIE WORLD
MY LIFE'S FANTASTIC
MY TITS ARE MADE OF PLASTIC
COME ON BARBIE LETS GO PARTY AH AH AH AH

All the while playing some ridiculous guitar solo.

wtflol

>>7339592
mike sounds like a cool guy lol

well for a tard

This thread is pretty cool

moar

HURPDURP BUMP


tardblowmootykins

>>7338383
do you live in howell?

>>7339592
I think I love this kid.

I posted this one in the first one before r9k decided to have an aneurysm. Anyway it went like this and it isn't anything hilarious. I guess it might have been a 'you had to be there' moment.

Anyway, I was in an astronomy class my last semester of high school so I pretty much just sat around and did nothing. We got to watch the Universe and stuff so shit was cash. Anyway this tall tard was in the class. He wasn't retarded enough to be in special ed but special enough to have an aid with him. So this other senior did this every once in a while. He would call the tard's name in a whisper until he started shouting "WHAT?! WHAT IS IT!? GAH!!!" Pretty much the whole class laughed every time it happened.

This is a story so infamous, anyone from my highschool on /r9k/ will know for sure we are thinking of the same person.

Anyway, there was a girl who was in a powered wheelchair at my school. She also had some like, speech problems or something, so she had a board that would say things for her. So the one day, she was traveling down a ramp into our science wing. The next part, I've heard variations, but either way, she ended up on the floor somehow. She went to hit the "Help" button, but either had the food menu open, or is just retarded, and ended up pressing the button for "Banana" over and over. So basically there was a girl in a powered wheelchair, toppled over, with a computer voice saying "Banana" over and over.

Apparently even the helper person was laughing too.

>>7340639

not the poster you replied to, but i live in brighton

small world

>>7340729
I almost shot coke out my nose

I have a friend who is a tard but hes a pretty cool guy, he even frequents /b/ on occasion(not surprising). But anyways he knows that he can get away with shit solely based on the fact that hes a tard so sometimes for our amusement he will run across a crowded lunch room screaming swear words and when the security guards finally catch up to him he will call the main guard, who is a woman, I quote " hes special little fuck bitch". He has yet to get in trouble for this.

I once saw him in the hall so I came over to talked to him:

Me: what did you do this time
Him: didn't do my work
Me: and...(hardly enough to get him in the hall)
Him: wiped my ass with it and slapped the chick behind me

by this point the teacher hears us and telling me to go away and he responses by punching the door several times.

hes a trip to hang around.

OH GOD GUIS I'VE ROFLD AND CAN'T GET UP BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA

>>7340966
BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH BUNUHNUH

>>7340966
>>7341018
I cant stop laughing, i think im going to hell for this

BANAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!

>>7341066
you won't go to hell if you ask jesus for banana

one time at my old high school there was this fucking tard who seemed to basically wander the school all day with his helper. anyway, one I was getting a drink at the fountain, and when i turn around i see the retard grinning at me with drool and shit. he then proceeds to lift up my shirt, and feel my nipples(im a guy) then he triumphantly walks off. i was too shocked to really react

im standing there thinking, "did i just get sexually molested be a retard"

the answer was yes. yes i did

>>7341176
>>7341176
I find to to be funny if you read it in a peter griffin voice.

Oh Tard Blog how i love tee:

1/7: Riti's class makes stuff for Tucker

My class forgot everything they had learned prior to Christmas break, so we will spend the week reviewing. We made cards for Tucker today. I pulled out the old scrap box, and let them have at it. I even made a sample card to show them. I told them to decorate the outside and to draw pictures of things they liked on the inside.
My favorite card is cut in the shape of Florida, with fish and boats around it. They actually did an OK job. They forget everything important, but can still make funny ass cards. I guess I should dwell on the positive.
My kids are so sweet, as they elected to give their class necklace to Tucker. They earn beads when they are well-behaved for their music and p.e. teachers. These beads go into their bead jar, and every Friday the beads are strung onto their class necklace. It has become quite large.
They wanted to know if my friend Tucker got to play with kids. I said no, he never gets to be around kids, and that is why we are making cards for him. Sweet little Lindsey suggested that Tucker get the necklace because if you want to have friends you need to give them stuff. Hmmm, mom must have taught her that one.
And the mom who tried to kill herself, the one with the deer costume, well, it seems as if she and her kids moved over break. No one really knows for sure, but neither child is present, and it is rumored that they just up and moved. The sad part about this is that Emmy would have made the best card for Tucker. She scribbles and stabs papers with pens and pencils.

Am I the only one that never went to school with *actual* retards?,
we just have public special ed. schools over here.

Funny story though, this guy I know got diagnosed as a high functioning tard, got moved to a tard school, was too smart and thus was bumped up 2 classes and ended up finishing high school at 15.

Angelo was walking towards the coat room today, when he clipped one of the classroom tables with his hip. Feeling slighted, he cursed at the table and swung his leg to kick the corner he'd bumped into. He missed the table leg by inches and sent his foot smashing into the underside of the table. He screamed and bent down to grab his toes, banging his head against the topside of the table.

At this point Angelo started crying, fell on his butt, and started trying to take his shoe off. He leaned forward to untie his shoe and hit his forehead against the edge of the table. After this he just curled up into a ball. I have never seen a tard lose a fight with an inanimate object quite as badly as this.

>>7341542
dear god i am dying of laughter

>>7341542
lul

The schools I've gone tohave had their fair share of 'special' kids but until recently nothing worth noting has really happened (this excludes some assaults and pissing with their pants all the way down, I walked into a bathroom one time, saw a giant tard taking up two urinals just kinda firehose style waving it around and walked back out)
Last week though I decided to sleep through PE cause were doing gymnastics, according to the people who showed up that day 'Steve' instead of taking off his pants and just changing, decidedit would be cool too just go commando, when everyone freaked out he started running around threatening them in his old english voice because he thought they were laughing at the size.

tl'dr, Tard takes off his pants, runs around raging

I had a tard-friend when I was about 8 or 10. We only met on the street - never been in his house and neither was he - to ride bikes (and mind you, he was riding his bike all the time back and forth the street. All the fucking time) and exchange NES games. One time I gave him one of my best for one with a Little Mermaid picture, thinking "FUCK YEAH LITTLE MERMAID AWESOME". It didn't even work. But it was okay then, because he helped me to get my cat out from under a pile of wooden boards.

BLOCKSUQEIQWEUQE

I used to make fun of the retards at my old highschool, and thus they hated me.

Sometimes when I used to skip classes at my highschool, I would go into one of the bathroom stalls and sleep.

One year, our school was under construction. Thinking nothing of it, I had decided to skip my first period class and sleep in the stall.

I had awoken amidst a serious of groans and moans. When I fully came to, I was listening to a women's voice whispering "It's ok Tucker, you can do it!" Apparently due to construction, in the middle of first period the retard tamer corralled all of the retards into one bathroom to shit; and I was caught in the middle of it.

The women was outside of the door, whispering into the bathroom. The stall next to me had no door. I looked down, and there was an enormous turd on the floor of the stall next to me. More groaning, there were retards everywhere.

When the retards became aware of my presence, they seemed to attack me in a way. One was pissing into my stall, in a way the the floor of my stall was flooded with urine. Because of this, I stood atop the toilet; revealing my head. I am not making this up, one of the retards picked up the turd on the floor and threw it at me. It hit me on the right side of my face.

After that all of the retards burst into laughter and left with shit all over their hands and such, as I could discern from the women saying "It's ok Tucker we will clean it up in the classroom".

Anyways, I wiped off of my face and snuck out of school and ran home.

No one ever knew except the retards and my Dad, who holds it against me to this day; sometime responding to insults with "At least a retard never shit on my face."

>>7343177
WHAT THE FUCK?

thefuckblox

>>7343177
:3

atleast a retard never shit on my face

tardblowks BUMP

>>7343177
OH LAWD WUT

When my younger brother was in highschool a kid in his class had his dad in jail. Turns out his dad worked minding tards and had taken to raping them. Kids used to pick on tard rapers son and he would cry. Kids probably an angry, angry man by now.

When i was younger, a semi-tarded kid and i would jump on my trampoline sometimes. one time we where doing kickass moves on the trampoline, he jumped too close too the edge, got gis foot stuck between the feathers nad fell over the edge of the trampoline, and just dangle with his foot stuck. it looked very painfull and he was crying, but i couldnt stop laughing...
Good times

tardbumpage

>>7338404
holy shit did you go to school on eastern long island?

>>7338404
I knew a guy in highschool. This female teacher hated and I mean really HATED all the male students. She had a real chip on her shoulder and was pretty much unfit to teach. So this guy, this was back in the mid 90's and near the end of the thrash metal era. This guy was a badass with a long mullet, cut of denim jacket with patches on it, 50 ear rings in one ear etc, this guy needed a piss. He asked nicely the teacher said no. He asked again in a minute, she said no. He asked her again with some desperation, forced to explain he it about to piss himself in front of the class. This teacher was taking a real sadistic pleasure in this. She was an evil bitch. So this guy has had enough. He gets up from his table and marched right up to her desk. Then he proceeded to do one of the most badass things I have ever heard of happen in highschool. He climbs up on the desk, flops his cock out and pissed right in her face.
He was expelled for it of course but damn, that was tough.

>>7343655
>>7343655
that's not tough, that's gay as fuck

"i could just walk around and take a piss but I feel angsty and rebellious! let me do something outrageous to be cool!"

this one time way back when on 2-1-10 i posted a pic of my micro dick on r9k

>>7343655
thats pretty badass man
if i knew him id give him a brofist
well, if he washed his hands first. :/

I was neighbors with this autistic tard and he came over to play a couple times, until he shit his pants one time and my mother didn't want to deal with that. Anyway, he'd do this peculiar thing any time he was pushed from behind. You could push him just a little bit and he'd go "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!" all the way and keep running until he ran into something, then he'd fall down. I'd do this to him any time he started bothering me. Never tried it outside to test the maximum range though.

>>7343730
you should have aimed him towards train tracks lol

archive this thread now ROBOTS GO!

Og seeing the other post about sex with a tard, i have a story of my own.

I was about 16 at that time and had a summerjobb at a center for retarded people, i was usually just washing floors, helping in the cafeteria and boring shit like that.

But one day everything changed. I was on my lunchbreak at the cafeteria, this day was extremely busy for the other workers.
I noticed this somewhat hot retarder girl that was there eating lunch too..you would know that she was retarded when she talked, other than that she looked normal, she had black long hair and black eyes, she had really white skin, the other retards would make fun of her and call he a vampire.
Anyway, this day some retards where picking and this retarded asshole called John took this bowl of stew and poured the whole thing over her, she starded crying, and the other workers from the center came rushing too the scene and took John away. On of the workers that i knew, his name was Ken said too me:
"(not giving my name here). kan u take emiliy, (the retarder girl coverd in stew) too the showers and get her cleaned up, i said yes and took emely to the centers showers.
I think see was a little autistic cuz she never said anything. I went in too the showerrooms and she just stood there, i told her to get undressd and get in the shower so she could get that stew from her hair.

>>7343862
She just took of her clothes right in front of me, she had a nice body, not great but small tits and a little fat belly, she was probably 14-15 i dont know. i got a little shocked and didnt know what to do, she said i had to help her in the shower, so i locked the doors, took of my clothes and stepped in with her. I got an amazing hardon by using my hands too wash the stew from her body and hair, she starded too moan. and touching me 2. then she stardet too hug me pulling me close and jerking me of, i got warm and felt alittle funny. She then turned around and bendt over, i showed m dick in the pussy and she squezed her pussy, shit felt amazing. afther some strokes i was about too cum so i pulled out, she turned around and jerked me of, i came on her belly and breast, i quickley got my self toogether and washed her of. Afther that i put on my clothes and walked out trying too find some ny once for emiliy. I got back, dressed her and sent her back too the cafeteria. Then my lunchbreak was over and i walked back to kitchen. I met Ken on my way too the kitchen and he asked me why my hair was all wet, i freaked alittle and said i got som stew on me, so i took a shower too. He looked suspicious at me and asked where emiliy was, i told him she was in the cafeteria. I said good job and walked by me.

Nothing ever happend, but i didnt want too work at the center anymore. felt too bad, like i had raped someone, that was propably what i did. so i got a job at the local K-mart as a bagboy. could never get myself too go back to the center. Still feel bad too this day, i think this fucked me up..

>>7343867
>is worried this might have damaged HIMSELF

Damn, this just doesn't seem to get old

>>7338317
>I was the hall monitor

I stopped reading here and just grinned to myself.

this thread is GOLD and must be preserved
ARCHIVE IT NOW robots!

i just did the second request anons :3
do your part and request this for archival

BUMPING FOR DA TARDS!
HERP DERP

I guess I could tell another Ghiaz story. Some might remember from last thread, but that guy was a complete dumb fuck.

IT was some time in middle school when we had an unusually long free period or something. In an attempt to pass the time, I came up with an insane idea to mess with my dear, dear friend, Ghiaz.
Now some of you may say this is cruel, but the retard could have snapped my back once during PE class when we did pyramids. I was at the bottom and the fucker wanted to be at top. He runs and jumps on the middle of my back while I was kneeling on all fours. I heard an audible crack and had to go to the nurse, who said I was lucky not to have broken anything.
Anyhow, I wanted to mess with the tard and so I take one of my friends scissory and, with his permission, colour it red with a board marker. THen I run up to him holding them out in front of me like a tard, and make it look like I tripped.
I put the scissor in between my arm and my chest, just like they did in old movies, and acted like I was pierced by it. The tard stares for a few seconds and then his eyes begin to open up.
He then screams like a little girl and runs out of the class. He ran all the way outside and, when I got outside, I saw him hugging a tree, crying.
Many laughs were had and the fact that he hugged the tree so hard that he got scratches on his face made it all the more hilarious.

>>7344144
ghiaz?
as in gay ass?
hey i remember you!

when did /r9k/ become /b/?
dear god

>>7344158
Dear me, you are correct.
Asking "hey Ghiaz, are you a gay ass?" lead him to say "ssscchhhuure"
Liked scooby doo and power rangers in middle school and was basically retarded.

>>7344201
post sum MOAR TALES OF GHIAZ NOW!!!!

>>7343917
Dude, the chick was a tard, he can't break what's already broken.

>>7340729

I fucking wept, funniest shit thus far

BANANUH BANANUH BANANUH

There I finished reading the thread up to the point it is now. I guess I could tell a few more Ghiaz stories but a recent story about a tard convoy would be far more entertaining.

I was walking past a retard school getting some smokes when the doors to the school opened and at least 15 retards came out, mostly in wheelchairs. These werent just physcially handicapped, but mentally too.
Anyways, there were some big dumb fellows pushing some of the wheelchair kids and some wheelchair kids had a weird mount on their chair that transformed it into a hand bicycle type of thing.
Anyways, they start to cross the street in a fucking long row and eventually there are about 5 cars on either side of the cross walk, waiting for the tards to move on.
The last wheelchair guy was being pushed by a walking hulk tard and they both were making honking sounds in tune to the now frustrated car drivers. It must have been 2 minutes since they started and about half were across, with the tamers pacing about the convoy checking for shit filled pants or whatever. After another 2 minutes the car lines were something like 10 cars big on each side, and many of the late crossing tards were becoming anxious due to the honking. The big hulk tard pushing the last wheelchair kid seems to snap or something and bellows like an animal, while pushing the helpless lesser tard int eh wheelchair into another wheelchair kid.
Ill make a second post because I think im running out of words.

>>7344725
continued.
As I was saying, the hulk had gone apeshit and pushed the wheelchair fellow into another one of his kind and was trying to push the whole convoy forward, but, to his surprise, the wheelchair toppled and he basically fell on top of the crippled tard, who in turn screamed like an injured horse.
The tamers were desperately trying to fix the situation by helping the hulk regain his cool, but it did nothing.
The hulk then grabbed the wheelchair and started to push it to the other side after wrestling himself out of the grip of his tamers. The tamers cahsed after him and managed to stop him somehow. Even though the hulk tard stopped at teh other side, he was confused as to why the wheelchair was empty, so he looked around and started to push the wheelchair back to the middle of the road to help the cripple tard he flipped of the chair.
While pushing he must have lost control and he just rammed the thing into the car closest to the cross walk.
Boy, oh boy, it was a really surreal experience for me.
Ironically, the more capable tards, those who made it across the road, were trying to go on with their tard adventure but a tamer had to keep bringing them back, until one of them got stuck in grass with hsi motorized ride.
I must have stood there with an open mouth for 6 minutes until the road was cleared of tards, but hell, the driver flipped shit afterwards and drove onto the sidewalk so he cold continue bitching at the tard tamers because they couldnt do what they were paid to do.

You know when a tard is placed in your class even though he obviously cannot function in basic situations yet the parents are too damn ignorant to send their precious child to a special needs school? Yeah, we had one in my elementry class for 4 years. Michael was about 2 years older than the rest of us, about 2 feet taller and possessed some immense tard strength. Unfortunatly I placed myself within his wrath one day on the bus home. I cannot recall the situation too well but for some reason Michael started to crawl under the filthy bus seats under my chair, being throughly sick of his bullshit I started to stamp on his back and legs to which he started whailling that strange moan tards often emit in times of pain. Anyway he got out and was pissed big time, after my blood in a big way, for a 9 or so year kid he was built like a brick shithouse and it took literally 5 kids to hold him back from me while I cowered in the back seat of the bus, I was utterly terrified of him at that instant because I've seen the kind of damage he's done to pricks before. Not a long time before on the bus he decked some kid in the face, broke his nose and blood started gushing EVERYWHERE.

I can't remember the rest of the story but I think the bus driver held him back so I could get off the bus, next day I gave the tard my coke as an apology and I was his best friend again

tard stories are the best :3
bumping for hopefully moar funny stories

tards are the best :3
bumping for the tards

MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR
srsly this thread is win

2 more requests and its archived, bitches.

>>7339508
>a tard named glenn

Hey I know him! HE MURDERED AND RAPED A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL IN THE YEAR 1992.

bumoing for archival!
ARCHIVE DIS CMOOOOOOOON

I once saw this board called /r9k/.. and it was full of tards! Can you believe it?

>>7345383
link me and i will request

in 5th the retard kid named adam decided to annoy the school nutter by poking him until he turned around and told him "stop that or I'll hit you" well adam didn't believe him and hit the nutter. nutter turned around and raised his fist, thats when adam screamed like a baby and ran across the field an hid in the bushes; the nutter didn't run he just walked over with his fist raised. as this was going on you could hear adam screaming and all the teachers were telling him to stop, when he reached the bushes adam ran away again into other bushes. this happened 3 other times until nutty boy got fed up and sprinted after him, tackled him while running and beat the crap out of him for 5 minutes until the teacher pulled him off.
lulz insued for weeks

>>7345524
link : http://4chanarchive.org/

Just put 7337119 as the id and r9k

>>7345564
>>7345524
so close to being archived!
cmon anons gogogo

There's three:
Marcus- Doesn't do anything outwardly crazy but his rants and mumblings indicate years of hatred and self loathing. Beats up other tards.
Cameron- Under the illusion that he runs the business sector. Distinguished from the rest for being high functioning. A 'playah'
Ross- Oh my...what to say here. The kind of guy you hear in the stories on hear, smearing their faeces left, right and center. This hasn't happened yet. Seems docile.

it will be archived :3
1 FUCKIGN MOAR`1

We had a Tard named Austin who, upon getting excited - would bite down as hard as he possibly could on his own hand, usually on the thin piece of skin between his thumb and index finger. He would have tons of infected bite marks. We couldn't cover them up either, because he'd bite through the bandages. Nobody liked to touch him, since he would ooze puss everywhere. He was generally happy kid, but would get startled or frightened often, and bite himself even more.

>>7345798

In addition to this, we had a small girl with microphaly (sp?) who would often get sinus infections. She had helpers, but they generally didn't want to touch the poor girl. Her parents would send her to school regardless if she was ill or not. Her nose would drip all over the school hallways. There would literally be a trail of mucus behind her. The aids tried to get her to wipe her own nose, but I guess couldn't be bothered to help her out when she couldn't or didn't want to do it (for all of our sakes) so they just let her be.

I felt pretty bad for her. It was pretty obvious nobody cared for her, and our special ed system in school wasn't the best by any means.

In Jr. High all of our busses unloaded all the kids into one area outside the cafeteria. We could see the other busses pull up, and some of them still had high school kids in them that got dropped off later. Every morning we would all sit and wait for the perfect beginning to a schoolday, the point when the short bus pulled up.

The Jr. High tards weren't the interesting ones though. It was the High School tards that we liked. My favorite was a kid we called the rapper because we never found out his name. This kid was a fat white guy with downs. When the bus stopped he would put his window down and start rapping about food. Mainly watermelons and potatoes. One morning he was wearing sunglasses and a sideways hat and he gave his best performance ever. WATERMELON WATERMELON WATERMELON POOOOOOTTTTATOE. He would then pose for us as we cheered him on until the bus drove away.

>>7345851
There were two other notable tards on the bus.

One was The Humper. He wasn't always on the bus, but when he was he fucked the shit out of the seat in front of him. He would also lick the windows sometimes, then hump the window for us to see. I am pretty sure he ejaculated one time, because he suddenly stopped humping and collapsed into his seat.

The last one I remember was the guy that would always hit himself. The way he did it though was so methodical, it was almost beautiful. He would take his right hand and slowly curl each finger until he was making a loose fist (imagine your hand when you are fapping, minus a penis in it.) He would then put that hand up to his right eye so he could still see through it. He would then look at us through his hand, then bring his left hand and pound the shit out of his right hand, slamming it against his face. We could occasionally hear him over the rapper and he would yell DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA each time he landed a blow.

>>7345912

Now try to imagine all three of these people on a short buss, one after another in their seats. The rapper is laying down some fresh rhymes about fruits and vegetables, the Humper is fucking the back of the Rapper's seat, and right in front of that is a guy beating the shit out of his face like it is some type of performance art. It was a sensory overload that lasted only a few minutes every morning while the jr. high kids got dropped off. I only wish we had cell phone cameras and portable video recorders then so I could relieve these hilarious moments in times of need.

>>7345933
sounds epic bro
any more tard tales?

Oh jesus, I have so many tard stories.

I'll start with the non-school ones.

My mum works with people with severe learning disablities, runs a care service now but when I was a kid she was just a care worker in one of the special homes for adult tards. Since she was a single parent I occasionally had to come to work if there were no babysitters available. I went to this one home a few times, it wasn't too bad. There was this one old dude (I think named Edward?) who was constantly strapped to a chair as he had some fucked up condition where he had double jointed everything and if unstrapped would be able to choke himself on his own fucking feet. It was pretty surreal in the homes. A regular family bungalow (retards + stairs are not a good combo) with a bunch of tards sat around the living room giggling and huurrrdurrring at childrens tv while Edward in the corner drools and tries to turn his head 360 degrees. I was about 5 at the time and was pretty fascinated by it all.

One time one of the tards started acting up, so my mum left me in the dining room to help the rest of the team strap them down. This one tardlady (about 30) came up to me and started making weird noises - she was deaf and trying to sign to me in simplified sign language apparently - then out of fucking nowhere GRABS MY FUCKING CHEEK with her bony hand and squeezes as hard as her tardstrength will allow. My mum runs shortly after I start screaming and crying my lungs out and pulls her off me. Didn't go back there for a while.

Apparently the lady needed the toilet and was asking me to take her.

>>7346206
holy shit! if i saw that as a id id be even more fucked up lol

bumping for moar epic tales of retardation

>>7346206
There was a certain patient that became very attached to my mum. She was a schizophrenic psychotic with mild learning disabilities called Diana. Diana was 6 feet tall, tried to dress like barbie - pink girly clothes covered in old chocolate stains, giant frizzy blonde hair, cheap jewelery, all topped with a nice dose of stone-cold crazy eye. She loved my mum because she was short and reminded her of her children (taken away from her at birth), called her "MY LITTLE DIGGY-DIGGY.". I went to visit Diana as a child apparently, and my mum had to make a house call on her (Diana was just intelligent enough to care for herself, but required regular visits to help her understand bills and stuff). Diana came bounding out, shouting how I wasn't my mum's child because "diggy diggy IS a child, I don't know who YOU are!", after my mum patiently explained that I had just gotten older and taller she looked at me with this manic fucking grin, and gave me the most painful bearhug that lifted me over a foot off the ground. then took me in to see her cats (which must be dead by now, she fed them cream 3 times a day and they were nearly spherical) and I spent most of the time quietly terrified.

>>7346366
I had nothing to do one summer ( I was around 14), so my mum asked me to help her move Diana into her new flat as she had been kicked out of her previous home for being batshit crazy and screaming for hours on end. It was all pretty calm - Diana thought I was an angel as I wired up her stereo for her, only blip was that she then put on that "suicide is painless" song and told me how she was going to kill herself one day. The real shit started when I gave her a lift back to her temporary accomodation afterwards. Diana went all quiet for a while, didn't really notice it until I notice she was softly whispering to herself. My mum noticed, and spotting an episode tried to calm her down. All of a sudden:
"THE VOICES ARE BACK. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING CUNTS I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU. DIGGY DIGGY WHY WON'T THEY STOP"
Diana starts screaming all this shit at the car door, getting her giant spider-arms caught up in the seatbelt whilst my mum is trying to drive straight on the motorway. Luckily my mum managed to talk her down from it, telling her not to try and open the door as we were going at 70mph, and got her back home.

Scariest shit I've ever experienced.

One time while at school, we all passed around special brownies during lunch. About 30 minutes later when theyre all starting to digest, these 2 tards start fighting in front of everyone. Theyre pushing each other and name calling, and we all immediately start laughing so hard we're crying. We're laughing and laughing and laughing. Our faces are red its hitting us so hard. I and many other people had to grab onto the bench or other people to keep from falling on the floor laughing. The handfull of people that didnt eat the weed brownies are wondering what the fuck is going on.

The funniest moment in my entire life was watching retards go at it. The end.

ARCHIVE DIS THREAD NOW!!!!
THESE EPIC TALES MUST BE PRESERVED

>>7346378
I can't think of anymore ones from the homes right now, probably more.

Good one from my primary school:

We had a legendary kid named David Seager, who was your standard smells-of-piss retard kid. When we went on year 6 camp, him and all the other tards in our class stayed in the tent next to ours. They were all bragging about their secret midnight chocolate feast the entire way there on the coach, so my friends and I made a plan.
The first night we stayed at the campsite we snuck out of our tent and started banging on the outside of the retard tent making ghost noises. Naturally, they believed it was true and ran away. My friend quickly ran in and grabbed the chocolate and we went back into our tent and ate it, my friend complained of a weird smell whilst stealing the chocolate.

The next night, we fucked with them again for the luls, they didn't come out and there was lots of screaming. Eventually 2 of them came out, nearly vomiting. Found out the next day that the legendary David Seager had shat himself right there in his sleeping bag.

>>7346386
um wat?
pot brownies at lunch? unlikely :/

>>7346478
what is it with reatrds and shitting themselves at the slightest provocation, does lower intelligence mean lower bowel control i mean CMON.

>>7346506
>reatrds
retards
fixed :)

>>7346478

The next few stories are from a fucked up school I went to in the country. The shit that happened on a regular basis there was unreal.

Basically, the town that the school was in used to contain a massive mental asylum. The school was half devoted to the 'greenaway' (a very VERY popular surname in that town. There were always at least 2 greenaways in each class and they were always fucked up) unit for special kids. The greenaway kids were kept in their special unit most of the time, but there was still a very high percentage of disturbed children in the mainstream part of the school. I think half my class would have been counted as tards, and there were always at least 2 or 3 helpers in the class to help control them all. A lot of the kids weren't tards and there are some amazing stories about them as well, but I'll try and stick to tards for now.

>>7346548
continue anon, continue...

>>7346548
Okay, start with Craig. Craig was a very very special individual who had the best shaped head ever. He had a caveman brow and a massive square jutting chin, protruding eyes and lips, but the rest of his face sunk in weirdly. His hair was all shaved apart from this stupid tiny quiff thing he had at the front. He had his own special helper called Mrs Nevin, and used to generally make retard comments and try to touch girls. We all hated that fucker.

One day after P.E we were hanging in the lane behind the back of the school next to the tennis courts waiting for the teacher to get back from chasing one of the other tards that had ran away. Craig tried to touch one of the girls and was being generally crazy, so a few kids tried to throw punches at him. He tried to attack them, the class formed a mob and chased him to the outer fence surrounding the tennis courts. Dumb retard decided to try and climb a 3m fence to get away from everybody, and got about 6 feet off the ground before he got stuck and started sound his retard screams and insults "You're pooey" etc. The class hivemind got crazy and all the kids in my class (self included) picked up rocks from the lane and started stoning this retard kid clinging to the fence. It was like the ending of king kong, and one of the strangest and most horrible things that I ever saw as a kid.

>>7346651
Shit, I have to go. I'll continue the tard stories if this thread is here in a few hours. Here is a picture of Craig's fucked up face btw.

>>7346651
omg i lold
:3

Holy shit, this thread is still alive and kicking.

>>7346839
yes, yes it is

TARDBLOXWOOTLOL

bumpingforthetards.jpg

>>7346839
alivaandkickingbloxxxxx

I told my story on the last thread right before it 404d so I'll give a tl'dr as a bump.

Went to elemarty school with a really pretty tard girl, liked cucuumbers was CRAZY.

Bit a huge chunk out of her tamer's forearm when she was refused cucumber.

Saw her years later restrained in a wheelchair, she saw me and started shaking and smiling and chomping.

Shat bricks, ran away.

>>7347024
sounds like a female hannibal lector
except retarded :/

bumptardblox


MOAR STORIES GOGOGO!!!!
ALSO ARCHIVE DIS THREAD NOWWW!

I suggest we archive dis shiz

>>7347860
REQUEST IT THEN, IT ONLY NEEDS 2 MOAR FUCKING REQUESTS ARGHHHHHHHH

>>7346483

Okay so everyone bought them first. Who cares.

>>7347946
i care, i care a lot

bumping to keep this glorious thread alive :3

Good things about /r9k/:

- well written bawwww stories

- tard stories

we should just call this /tard9k/

>>7348070
true, true :/

welllll
REQUEST THIS THREAD FOR ARCHIVAL MAN
DO IT FAGGOT!!!! :O

>>7343862
Judging by your spelling, I think you might have gotten some retard on ya.

>>7348244
:p

i lold

>>7346483
hurr durr, not all schools are the same, people in my school will smoke weed at lunch, in between classes, or even during some classes depending on the class and the teacher.

assbumping for moar tards

Watched a kid in my high school choir class get caught fapping. He had tourettes, so not exactly a tard, but in the middle of a song he just whips out his dick underneath his jacket and starts fapping it.

We're all lolling and the choir teacher is trying to get us to pay attention. He's yelling at the scapegoat in the bass section. He really doesn't know what's going on. Then all of a sudden, the kid goes UGHHHH after he orgasms.

We're all like WTFLOLOL and the teacher is like I am 12 what is this? And then the teacher figures out what is going on. Finds out that the kid was fapping. He never put his dick away and one of the kids told the teacher what was happening.

The teacher catches him white handed and tells him to go out in the hall. With cum all over his hands, TJ, the tard flips the teacher off right in his face. The teacher goes and get's the tard's slavemaster and they take him out in the hall. lol

>>7343666
Did you read the story? He did it because the woman was being a sadistic bitch.

Does anybody else get sick of people who do this? Negating anything awesome people have done with "Oh you're just trying to be an angsty cool guy how lame"

this is a badass thread so heres ONE FREE BUMP

>>7348891
>Does anybody else get sick of people who do this?

Everyone that has graduated college, if not high school.

>>7348891
Yeah, dude did a bad ass thing only someone with a jaded and bored life would think other wise.

When I was in 8th grade, I had just transferred schools, and this new school happened to have an old as fuck junior high building.

Anyway, I went to the bathroom one day just before lunch. I went into a stall (the door had no lock) and sat down and started to piss. I heard the bathroom door open and someone came stomping in. Not walking, not running. Stomping. I thought, well sometimes the black chicks get a little dramatic and stomp around. No big deal.

Then, the mystery person starts making these noises. Like a buffalo in heat. At this time, I'm starting to kinda wonder whether or not I want to meet this person. I was finished peeing. Now, all I had to do was get up, flush the toilet, and walk out of the stall. But that would mean that I would have to meet whoever was making these terrible noises. I decided not to risk it so I sat there, patiently waiting for whoever it was to finish up whatever they were doing and leave.

The noises got weirder. And louder. And closer. Gagging, moaning, spitting, huffing, sniffing. At this point, I'm scared. My stall door had no lock on it. I pulled up my jeans and stood there. Ready to make a break for it if need be.

>>7349176
FINISH THE STORY FFS

>>7349176
DID YOU WIPE?

There was this kid at school who we often called retarded. The last I heard from him he had turned gay.

That is all.

>>7349176
As I stood there, waiting for my opportunity to GTFO, an eye suddenly appeared through the crack of the stall door. A crazed, unblinking eye. And still the noises continue. I can smell their breath.

I can no longer take this.

In one swift motion, I backed up, and kicked the fucking door, swinging it open and hitting the mystery person. They let out an echoing "AAAAUUUGGGHGHGHGHGH!" I run through the bathroom, but I was suddenly overwhelmed with curiosity as to who this person was.

I stopped momentarily to see the person staggering back and holding the side of their head. It was a very, very obese girl in a pink shirt that had to have been at least a size too small for her. But she wasn't wearing pants. One hand was still buried between her huge legs. I am afraid. I am close to the exit. But, I can't move my feet. To this day, I still don't know why I couldn't move. She regains her composure and for a moment that seemed like a lifetime, we were just staring at each other across the bathroom. Her stomach bulged over her vagina, and all I could see was a few stray pubic hairs. She wiped her hand on her shirt. Then her face started to get red. I could see tears welling up in her eyes. She balled her fists up and clenched her teeth in rage. Finally I managed to say something.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? OH GOD."

She threw herself against another stall, groaning and screaming. Windmilling her fists. I turned around, caught a glimpse of her jeans, balled up in a corner, and took off running again. I hit the exit door and kept running down the hallway. I never looked back. I didn't have to. Her screams echoed through the hallways, and teachers were already emerging from their classrooms to see what was wrong.

>>7349294
ewwwwwwwww
fat retards omg

>>7349294
i shat brix
srsly

>>7349294
It turned out that she was in special ed. I don't know how retarded she really was. But, the special ed teacher and the principal went down there and finally managed to calm her down after about an hour. She'd caused a few hundred dollars worth of damage to the bathroom.

>>7349345
hoyl shit she had tard strength

one in the redneck middle school i went to before i moved, this fat nigger tard was licking herself like a cat during science class.

the teacher hadnt realized yet but the whole class was loling all over the place.

but that's not the horrible part.

this other male(not retarded but horny/autisticmaybe i suppose) sat beside her and stuck his hands down the back of her jeans, feeling her asschecks. she basicaaly ignored it and kept licking herself.

the class was reaching muffled hysterics by then and the teacher yelled at us, but didnt realize what the cause was.

the black girl then got on her knees so the teacher couldnt see her and promptly pulled out the dudes penis and started licking it.

the class freaked out and this time the teacher got angry and walked down the isle to yell at someone and saw what was happening.

by this time the dude had came, and jizz was dripping on the black tards mouth and all over the floor. the nigger tard started crying and the other kid ran out of the room, and the teacher ran after him. another teacher told us all to go outside and wait for it to settle down.

didnt see either of them again

>went to work at 8 am this morning
>return at 9 pm this evening
>thread still here
Sadly I have no tard stories to share but please keep going

>>7349409
jesus fucking christ
thats disgusting

Ok, there was this kid who went to school and rode the same bus as me whos name was michael. Anyway, this must have been my sophomore or junior year in high school and I was riding the bus on the way to school about two seats back and one to the left of the seat where michael was sitting with his backpack and an umbrella. Across from him was a large African American woman whom Michael was making racist comments to. She was aware Michael was slow but eventually Michael must have said something that pissed her off because she all of a sudden launched herself across the middle isle to his seat, grabbed his umbrella, and began to beat the shit out of him with it. The umbrella eventually broke in half and she kept on going for a few seconds. This whole thing was probably only about 20-30 seconds in length.

Since I sat so close I was called into the office to try and explain what exactly happened. To my horror, sitting there on a little TV was a paused bus film (our busses had cameras) and I thought to myself "oh shit". I had to supress laughter as I watched the film but I made it ok. One thing I didnt notice though was this freshman wigger kid named Steven and he was jumping up and down and laughing like a maniac. I was asked who that "unruly child in the back" was.

>>7349752
hahaha
tard gets his ass beat by a nigger
good times

>>7349752
Another story about Michael... about two summers ago my friends (and everyone in the community) started to get phone calls of people asking where Michael was. It turns out he somehow disappeared and no one knew where he was for a day. The story happened something like this. Michael had some friends who he would play video games or whatever with at their house in the basement. This specific day Michael decided to go there without anyone knowing and basically chilled in at someones house (they werent home or didnt know he was there) for an entire day. True stories.

damn there are a lot of tards named michael aren't there

this thread is glorious

>>7346483

You obviously aren't a very good stoner than.

I was eight, and at a fall fair in a different city.
I had very long hair, too. Well, after getting off the merry-go-round, this retard chick comes up to me and YANKS ON MY FUCKING HAIR.
LIKE REALLY DAMN HARD.
I started crying and whacking her but she had a derp face on and would not let go.
Her mother had to call security and they couldn't get the bitch to let go of my hair, so..I ended up with a shittastic bob cut and the bitch got away with my fucking hair.
Good fucking times, man.

moar tards

Once I raped my retarded sister retarded friend. I was 13 at the time, and i made her lick me until i came. i made her swear not to tell anyone or i would tell her mom "the thing she did." she would ask what the thing was and I would say "you know what you did!"

that scared her enough I guess, cuz i got away with it

>>7350264
oh she was 14 at the time.

>>7350282
>>7350264


fuck dude that's horribly clever of you....

I recall back in elementary school (1st or 2nd grade, i think) I was best friends with this tard named Wyatt. He had an extreme fixation on frogs and pacman. He even owned 2 pacman frogs (pictured here). There was this one day the teacher was reading us a book, and something in it pissed him off. He went on yelling, and at one point he looked at the teacher, pointed his little tard finger at her, and yelled "Y-you dumb beanie baby!" And then for about 2 minutes he ran around the classroom calling the teacher a beanie baby and throwing stuffed animals at her. The whole time are entire class was laughing are asses off, the teacher was flushed and scared, and Wyatt's helper was standing there timidly trying to get him to stop. The very next day he didn't show up to school and his helper gave us all a nice little talk on Assburgers syndrome.


NEW STORY:
My middle school was filled to the brim with 'tards. They would let some of them pick up recycling from the rooms. One day in 8th grade this short, fat mexican tard jumped in the room to get the recycling, but instead started jumping up and down on my then-gf's desk, exposing and slapping his tubby tard tummy. He then proceeded to start making wierd noises, jump off my gf's desk, and run out of the room.
All of us sat there in shock, and the teacher (good ol' ms.northcunt) waddled to the front of the room and commended us for being mature about the situation. She then left the room to get some papers, and the entire class burst out in laughter (except for my gf, who slapped me after class for being insensitive).

back in 5th grade we had a tard named steven. For an inner city chicago public school, his intelligence was about average. Nothing too out of the ordinary.

all of a sudden, one day his seat has some deflated yoga ball thing on it with massaging beads all over it. now everyone is thinking, WTF is that thing?

Teacher says its because he has "hyperactivity issues" and this yoga ball thing will help him channel his energy into something.

Later on in the year we find out from the nurse that he had the worst case of hemorrhoids shes ever seen and these things were designed to massage his anus. Being 5th graders, naturally we tell everyone and soon hes the laughing stock of the whole school.

Then one day at recess, the little shit tells us to come to the secluded area of the playground. Completely blows up on us, windmilling his fists and going for all the dirty moves.

we lol'd

shortly after i move to a rich white suburb. no more fun

In an 8th grade nurse office I found myself between a proven school slut and Tommy the tard. The girl was going on about a woman's period and dropping intimate details on her white trash lifestyle. You know, letting high school boys creampie her and the like. Tommy was interrupting every other sentence.

It seemed that Tommy had thought up a way to shut down the school for good. In his hands he held a modified paperclip formed into a U. He insisted his hack would not only cut the power off, it would also start fires throughout the building, and there would be an explosive sideshow as well. For his plan to work, he and he alone would insert his forked paperclip into a wall socket and unleash certain hell.

Meanwhile this slut was kinda-sorta addressing how I would lose my virginity, in theory. When Tommy interrupted again, my patience was burnt. I forced Tommy the tard to prove his theories to me.

With a kind of crazed macho bravado he stormed out and into the halls leaving a stink trail where he went. The slut and I watched as he (lucky for him) chose a single hand to insert his toy into the socket. There was no spark. Though his lip curled like Elvis and he was pumping his fist to get rid of the shock.

I never got middle school sex and I blame Tommy for disrupting my first flirting/negotiations session.

>>7350264
>>7350264
>>7350264
>>7350264
>>7350264
>>7350264
>>7350264
>>7350264
fap fap fapf fa ap

http://www.fullduplex.org/tardblog/

its about a specal ed teacher who tells her storys from school it was pretty big on /b/ yesterday

a bunch of the retards hung out in our highschool. quad, and we gave them all x-men names. the one we called juggernaut would wear wrestlemania shirts, and call people out to wrestle, and one time xavier (wheelchair) ran over his toe, and he flipped and grabbed nightcrawler (little squirrely sunnovabitch) and threw him 6 or 7 feet. thats one of my fondest memories of highschool.

this thread is now archived :3
WORSHIP THE TARD THREAD AND THE OP FOREVAR

bumping for hopefully moar funny tard stories!

I love when the tard stories end with the "and I never saw him after that" haha

tardbumpityblox

I work at a group home.

The stories I could tell you, man.

>>7355893
the stories you COULD tell
dude
dont tease us
tell these stories NOW!

Ghiaz guy here, anyone want any stories?
And yay, second awesome tard thread in a row to get archived.

>>7356339
Ghiaz guy
do tell your tales of tards :)

>>7356339
Any and all tard stories are welcome by me

<3 this thread

When I was a boy, the age of ten, I had a very best friend. Fred was kind, with good intent. But just a little different. Special Fred, momma dropped him on his head. Now he lives in the backyard shed, special fred.

>>7345912
I had to act this out with my own hands to understand. I lol'd.

I feel horrible for laughing, but they're so FUNNY.

Alright.. its not nearly as great as other storys but here it goes.


Theres a kid in our school named Zack. He's a tard..

So anyways.. one day Zack decides to pull the fire alarm. It scares the shit out of zack and he goes running for the fucking woods. Meanwhile the whole school is evacuating. And everyone is wondering what happened. Because this obviously wasn't a planned drill. Suddenly we see his tamer running into the field... apparently after the tard..

Thank you Zack.. hahah

Just remembered we had semi-tard bring a gun to school once. He told someone and they told the school. It was a huge fucking deal.