inb4 the copypasta "YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY"

"I've given it a lot of thought, and I... I think I'd like to take back what I said yesterday. I do want to take a chance on you. You're one of a kind and I don't know when I'll meet someone like you again."

Alas, she's far too sensible to do that, though. If she weren't, she wouldn't have changed her answer from yes to no in the first place, despite being attracted to me.

If I can get two calls, it would be:

1 - "Hi Anon, it is Job 1. We don't need you this afternoon after all, so enjoy your day off!"

2 - "Hi Anon, it is Job 2. We still need you this morning as someone just canceled at the last minute, so can you come in?"

Job 1 starting at 4pm got in the way of me taking a shift at Job 2 in the morning.

Hi, Ryan? This is X calling from Y, we were wondering if you could come in for an interview.

i REALLY need a job right now >.<

>>4397290
You got the internship. Oh and I hope you don't mind if all your hot female coworkers will be naked from time to time.

WE JUST ENTERED YOU IN THE LOTTERY AND YOU WOOOOOON WOOOOOOO HOOOOO

alternatively

Hey, dreamgirl here, I'm on my way to your house to fuck you!

Hey dude, I got some more weed, can I come over?

Hey, you don't have to do that one paper. Also? I was talking about you to this one chick and she wanted your number. She's hella hot.

"Got the perfect job for you, man. Seems the guys at the embassy need someone to streamline their letters, make them sound natural... yet eloquent. I heard you have a head for those things so I told them about you. They'll pay $20-$30 per page and you don't have to leave your house. They'll send all of it by e-mail."

;;;;;;;;;;_;;;;;;;;;;;

I want to go to there.

"Anonymous? I'm not really flakey, I'm just madly in love with you and was too scared to confess my feelings. Let's get married and have lots of babies :3"

lulztastic because I've only met him once in two years.

>>4397340

Yup, I learned that lesson after about a month of hospitality work. Then they started calling from private numbers.

Anyway, mine would be:

'Hey, I have no idea who you are, but want a job?'

Kind of telling that we've got 3 posts about finding a job to 1 post about relationships, on r9k of all places. Guess the economy really does suck huh

" please help me, im being raped "

"Anonymous, we have a job here that requires you to do nothing but read. Any book, at anytime, just hang out and read. And drink some coffee if you'd like. By the way, I hope you don't mind, but the pay is astronomical. Best of luck"

>>4397312

I'll try and type it from memory

(ring ring)

Hello?

Hello is John Carlson there?

Yes, speaking.

YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY

I HAVE ALL THE MONEY?

(hangs up)

...I HAVE ALL THE MONEY!

(dials)

Hello?

HI BOSS IT'S JOHN CARLSON

Oh. Sorry, but nobody by that name works he-

YEAH WELL FUCK YOUR JOB I QUIT

(hangs up)

(dials)

HEY BABY

Hello?

IT'S JOHN

John? Ugh. It's not a good time right n-

YEAH I KNOW RIGHT, LISTEN, I GOT NEWS

John, we've been divorced for six mont-

I HAVE ALL THE MONEY WE'RE GOIN' TO THE FUCKIN' BAHAMAS, SO PACK YOUR VAG AND YOUR TITS AND I'LL BE OVER IN TWENTY

Is this a jo-

(click)

(dials)

Hello?

HI ME YOU'VE GOT ALL THE MONEY

OH FUCK

something along the lines of the radio transmission at the end of the 3rd terminator movie.

"Hey guy, I herd u liek mudkips? And by mudkips I mean hawt, consentual sexual intercourse in the missionary position while I tell you about this job I'm giving you having sex with me every day."

"I found a job in your town so I'm moving there and I thought we could find some modest little place to share. Oh and I'm wearing THAT skirt, right now."

"I'm lonely and horny, please come and pick me up and take me back to your place and let me fuck you hard and cuddle up to your warm body afterwards and magically get rid of all your pain."

Hi, lolibottom. I'm sorry for deserting you, I didn't mean it. I was just afraid and suspicious of your permanence and your devotion to me and I was hoping you would come crawling back, but I realize I can't do that to you anymore. Let's just forget the past twelve hours. I love you more than anything.

>>4397500
>I am a pathetic loser and I should jump off a bridge and die.

There, fixed a typo for you, bro.

>>4397519
Not sure I follow. I'm pathetic for not wanting to be ignored, or he'd be pathetic for apologizing for acting like a "real man" at the expense of my wellbeing?

>>4397500

No bonus points for this one.

>>4397533
You're a fucking loser for expecting other people to work shit out for you. Go call him yourself you immature little fuck and leave us the fuck alone with you relationshit drama. Fuckin hell.

"Hey Anon, you got the job, and we're gonna start you on a six-figure salary right away."

>>4397545
I did call.
>leave us the fuck alone with you relationshit drama.
As in, siphon out a milliliter from a sea of piss?

"My parents died and left me all their money, now we can be together for ever and never have to work a day in our lives!"

;__;

Now playing: If Only - Queens of the Stone Age

>>4397554
>As in, siphon out a milliliter from a sea of piss?
Yes.

"Hello Miss Anon...Yes, it's me. I just was calling to let you know - no, no no no, it's that I believe you. And I think that the boss is a duffer. So lets be friends, eh? Yeah...Okay, I'll see you tomorrrow! Oh, and have you got anything for me to read? I heard you entered that competition....Cool! See you soon! "


BAWWWWW

"Hi, Mr Anonymous there? Hello, sorry for the wait for the reply. We'd love to offer you a summer placement. You'll start work in two weeks time. Bring suitable work clothes and a good attitude. See you there!"

'Hello, this is bianca beauchamp. I would like to offer you a job which basically is you getting paid 40k per week for the next 5 months to fuck the shit out of me every week. Are you in?'

>>4397578
Well, I would, but you're so cute when you're angry.


Lament, torment, mein Herz bricht, etc.

"Hey, so uh...Kyle told me you asked him if I was seeing anyone new. I'm not, and I've been thinking about you a lot since the last couple of times we hung out. Would you be interested in getting back together? I'm sorry I got scared and broke it off with you."

bawwwwwwwww

Hey it's your uncle, I've heard you wanted a new job...

-or-

Umm anon, you can come over, my friends are just tools and I'd rather see you. Ditch your newly found plans and come and get laid.

My GF is coming home today from a trip, so best phonecall would propably be something like:
"Hey it's me. My roommate's out today, wanna come over and have sex?"

Or maybe "Congratulations you have won million dollars" or something.

DIS EEZ SEXPHONE

PUT PHONE ON PENIS

FEEL GUD?

"Ten? Ten penises? Holy shit, that's a lot of cocks. But wait! There's more!!!!! :D"

"Hey, we really liked the resume you sent in to us. We'd like to offer you a paid internship at the station for the summer. Also, among the few local bands we're hiring to play at the festival, we've decided yours should play. Come by the office on Monday to discuss the details."

"Hi, have you thought about buying double glazing for your home?"

"Y... you're speaking to.. to me?"

"I'm coming to see you tomorrow. I don't care that your house is a mess, I just want to be with you. Maybe we could watch a movie on your couch."

"Hey Anon, it turns our we could actually use your help in Philly for a week. We'll set you up with with a plane ticket and everything. Plus, you get a free couple of days to yourself before you come back. Pack your things, you fly out Monday."

" Hey its _____, we fucking love your mix and want to sign you on as one of our DJ's, oh by the way your first gig will be with Le CastleVania, Designer Drugs, and Shinichi Osawa"

"Hello ____, I/we have looked at your application and would like you to come in for a interview."

For once I would actually like to get this type of call again, cause I've been busting my ass going almost everywhere and applying.

"I just killed my parents and I can't wait to suck on your hot dog. Keep it warm for me and don't move an inch. I know where you are."

" Your prof is dead, you don't have to finish your paper for tommorow."

"Hello? Who is this? Oh I'm sorry I must have the wrong number. Sorry, bye."

"Hey _______, we got the money, and we're ready to give you the $10k for all the work you did for us. When do you think you can pick it up"

Even tho I'm madly in love with a girl I'd still say:

"Hello you've just won 10 million dollars!"

"Hey, uh, so, d-do you want to uh have coffee sometime?"

"Hello? Uhhh, yeah, I asked for your phone. Would you like to have lunch tomorrow?"

george w. bush calls, during the conversation he says "poop". I laugh uncontrollably. bonus points if he hands the phone to laura during the convo so he do some wonky errand and she sits on the other end awkward yet polite.
I think I like him much much more as an ex-president.

>>4397958
Singlehandedly redeemed the thread.

-Hello?

-Hello, this is the internets calling ...

-Yes?

-GET THE FUCK OUT! <click-brrrrrrr>

"Duuuude, my dealer just left, and like, he left some of his acid over here man...do you want a few hits? You can have them for free."

You've been transferred to the university of Melbourne, your accommodation is being paid for.

fuck yeah, that would rule.

>>4397958
l l0l3d

Me: Hello?

Phone: Hello, anonymous, this is the Nobel Prize Committe. We'd like to award you the Nobel Prize for your work in dividing by zero.

Me: Derp.

Phone: Thankyou and goodby.

GF: Who was that?

Me: The universe just disappeared.

GF: THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

>>4397857
This.

Or " Hi there,the boss of our multibillion dollar company just died, how would you feel about becoming the new president and stockholder?

"Hi, I got the business registered, I checked and we really won't need to pay tax for the first two years and OH BY THE WAY the building office guys called me back to say our perfect office actually is available to rent."

>>4397997
hells yes

also, "hey, it's Gary Oldman, I just thought I'd call and see if you want to get married or even just have kinky sex sometime?"

Me: Hello? <sleepy voice>

My Dad: WE WON THE LOTTERY

Me: Whaaaaaat....

My Dad: WE WON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN THE FUCKING LOTTERY! WE'RE RICH! I'M GOING TO SEND YOU AND YOUR BROTHER 10 MILLION DOLLARS THEN I'M TAKING YOUR MOM TO AMSTERDAM!

Me: Fully.

Mornin'.

Hey.

I'm on the way.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit.

Okay. I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

Byebye.

>>4398072

haha. erin?

"Hello?"
"Hello Mr. [Anonymous]."
"That's me."
"My name is [girl] I'm with [credit check people]."
"Oh good."
"I'd like to take this moment to apologize for the mix-up concerning your Social Security number. We spoke with Social Security and were able to confirm your true identity. Further the subject who we erroneously believed to belong to your SSN has been drawn and quartered."
"Oh. That's um... thorough."
"Yes, we pride ourselves on our thoroughness. Just as a little thank you for being such a good sport about all this, we've decided to send you $5,000,000 and a high priced call girl. Her name is Kimiko, she's half Japanese and half French Canadian, she's a C-cup, a gymnast, and a biology major at [state college]."
"Holy shit, that's like right down the road from me."
"We're aware of that, Mr. [Anonymous]. She may be in need of a place to stay along with her five hot sisters, each of whom has a different magical power. Will that be a problem?"
"This fantasy has sailed so far past possible that I can't even wiggle a chubby to it."
"THEN WHO WAS PHONE!" *click*

>>4398084

Fully?

>>4398117
FULLY SICK BRAW

Hello?

Hello.

... Mum? Mum is that really you?

It's me, sweety. Don't worry, I'm alive and well. I'm coming over now so we can go out for coffee, is that okay with you?

Yes! Oh my God, it's been so long! I'm going to give you the biggest hug ever! See you soon, Mum... I love you so much.

>>4398117
fully sick mate, subwoofer.

I, like many of you, suffer from problems. My problems don't involve any of your implausible ones, but mine are worth voicing to you in hope of getting some advice. Anyways, I began to watch Azumanga Daioh about a month ago, and as I dove deeper and deeper into the series, the more and more I fapped to hentai of it. I continued to do so until the last episode. Then I watched the series again...and again... and again... I found myself checking out Osaka every on-screen moment she had. I began to stop going to my regular sites just to look at hentai of one person: Osaka. I eventually had 1000s of pictures and some doujins of Osaka. I began to spend what others called absurd amounts of money on merchandise, and my apartment is coated with Osaka everywhere. I've shut myself off from family and friends and felt an urge to just snuggle with my Osaka dolls. Osaka is all I need. She probably wouldn't like the way my family is or how my friends behave. I'm in love with Osaka. I keep praying that she'll come to see me one day and decide to live with me. I have nothing left to live for but Osaka. I know she can hear me, so I always talk to her telling her to come and visit me so our union can take place. So this is where you guys come into the picture. You're an all-purpose advice board. You definitely must know a way to help Osaka break free from behind her glass prison. Please help! She's my perfect girl, and she's longing for me as much as I long for her.

"Police stoped looking for the bodies, looks like you are free to go."

>>4398132

Too late, brah. I just killed her.

>>4398092
zack??

mootcocks

>>4398171

ELLESPETH?

>>4397590
I demand context!

>>4398185
,,,Nathaniel?

Nathaniel Craig Middleton?

>>4398223

April Moon?

>>4398225

OH MOTHER OF GOD
MY METAL LIMBS

"Remember when I said I wasn't giving you a chance, even though I kissed you and showed interest in your personality that one day? Well, I lied, it was a joke to see how long you'd last like that. I'm madly in love with you, let's get married. I'm also a millionaire, but no prenups for me!"

"Hey, it's me. Listen, I'm coming back. I miss you too much. Start talking your girlfriend into having a 3some, I want you guys ready for an night of wild, unrelentless sex as soon as possible. And then dump her so we can get together".

"I know where madelaine is"

YOU ARE A WINRAR! PRESS 1 TO RECEIVE YOUR PRIZE

"Hey, I just arrived in your country, want to meet up for some weed and buttsex?"

"Hey, I came home well. Sorry bout my mom calling. I just wanted to say that tonight was great and I feel really happy about it."

"Just forget your thesis; we've decided to just GIVE you the degree."

"Hello?"

"HI IT'S THE OP I'M ABOUT TO POST MORE OF THAT COMIC AND NAME THE SOURCE"

"Oh my goodness!"

"Hey, um, want to go out with me?"

"I finished work 12 hours before I was supposed to and feel like going to my country house with you. I'll pick you up at your place in half an hour."

HELLO
YES IT IS ME I KNOW
I LIKE A DP SITES
YES I KNOW SO WE GOT A DP SITE

1: Congrats, you're hired.
2: Anon, Grandpa died, he wanted you to have half the inheritance because your sister is a carpet-munching whore.

This is your boss, you have been promoted to a paper pusher who makes 10x what you make now

"Hey gorgeous. I'm sorry we haven't been talking much but like I said, I miss you, and you know what? It's a public holiday tomorrow. I'll get ____ to drive me over and we'll chill out on the beach.
I'll bring the Passion Pop, you bring the glow sticks.
Oh and I broke up with ____ just before so we can finally relieve all that tension."

"Hi, this is [dean] from Cooper Union. We enjoyed your portfolio so much that your application is officially accepted."

"Usually I get a letter in the mail...don't I?"

"Correct, but we at admissions felt your work was, quite honestly, a stroke of genius...we're willing to not only give you the standard full scholarship, but also pay for all other expenses."

"Wow! Really?!"

"Yes, we have a penthouse right around the corner from the school ready for your arrival...the studio is a floor below it. See you next semester!"

[or]

"Is this [name], at [address]?"

"Why, yes...who is this?"

"This is Colonel [whatever] from the Global Ops unit in the CIA. We've been tracking your progress for a while now, what with you being the son of [dad] and all, and you've far surpassed what we thought you'd be capable of."

"What...what does this all mean? What do you want me to do?"

"Son, you ever played Metal Gear Solid?"

"Yeah..."

"It's like that, only the tech you'd be using is 20 years ahead of whatever any scientist has imagined in Popular Science articles."

"FUCK YEAR"

>>4398425
Oh I forgot to add, "I love you, babe. I've missed you."

"Hi I don't suppose you want a green card? We accidentally made too many."

"i finally found your number! wanna go out sometime?"

"This is the future calling. Wanna come visit?"

>>4397665
You don't want to go to philly, it's a goddamn shithole.

"Hey there! Just wondering where my paper boy is..."

"My name is Dr. Robert Neville. I am a survivor living in New York city. Nothing went the way it was supposed to. There were 6 billion people on earth when the infection hit. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. If there is anyone out there.. Please. You are not alone."

"Hey, baby. I decided I couldn't be without you and we'll be together soon. I'm on my way, don't worry. I love you more than anything. I miss you, but not for much longer. See you soon."

"You have been accepted into university"

My sister just called me from her best friend's house. First thing she said was, "Are you wearing any underwear?"

"Hello anon, this geoff fogl from your local audi dealer. We saw you pushing your car uphill yesterday and we couldn't help but empathize with your situation, so we're giving you the keys to an 08' S4, and don't worry about insurance, we set you up with a lifetime policy free of charge. Oh and we've cloned and reconditioned denise milani to love you and only you forever."

"Hey anon, its god. Sorry for being a douche so from now on, no more suffering/sorrow for anyone anymore. Here's an over-abundance of resources that can never be depleted. Also, have a few mudkips and corgis on the house!"

Fuck, that would be so $$$$

Ring ring.. "Anon ! Its your teacher and since the semesters almost over, would you like to entertain me over some coffee ?"

"yo dog. wanna get stumbling drunk and high as shit? there will be bitches"

"Hi. It's me, Hannah."

"Just thought I'd call to see how your summer was going and if you're not busy any time this week, would you like to do something?"

"Hey there, <Gentleman>, I was thinking about what you said a while back and...okay, let's get that DNA test."

Alternatively:

"Hey, I'll be in town for a few days; I didn't forget about our bet, so make sure we stop by Chipotle."

hey , its me isy, and ive thought a lot about you for the past couple of weeks and i think i might have a crush on you, wanna go out sometime?

"Hi. How was your weekend?"
From my boyfriend. He's with his parents at their weekend house and won't get back until this afternoon. I miss him.

But, at least I have a significant other! ^_^

"So, I herd u liek mudkipzsz"

It would be funny, because nobody calls me for anything. ;_;

"I am an unknown entity who can guarantee your biological survival up to 2075."

That's all I want from life. That's all I want from phone.

"Hello, this is all the naked chicks you see on the flashing adverts around your computer screen.

We've noticed you hang out here a lot and we think your posts are cool, so we're gonna come around and party. See you shortly"

hey honey i'm at your front door!!

"Hi, this is Missouri S&T. Since you're so great at computer networking and a girl, we'd like to give you a full scholarship."

"Hey anon, I'm coming to visit for the rest of the summer. Pick me up at the airport in two hours."

Because I am so ronery ;_;

"hey yeah its me, come and fuck me hard in my wet pussy "

"This is the hostage negotiator. We have the pizza you wanted."

"You're in, and you leave tomorrow."

Hey anon, I dumped him, i'll be over in 5 get the lube and the weed.

"I really want to see you when I get back. Let's meet up when you're done with class, ok?"

"Anon, thankyou for answering the phone, your Earths last hope... We need to drive down to the beach, there you will find a group of scientists. We know you posses skills that will enable you harness the power of the machine they have created, The Ultra Personal SpaceCraft... they will explain the rest... Goodluck"

"Just kidding, the pregnancy was a joke! I didn't actually get impregnated from our second time having sex!"

;_;

>>4399292
Then who was entity?

"Hello?"
"Yes?"
"This is, ah, ______? That kid who I worked out with a few months ago?"
"Yeah, this is him."
"Well, hey, look, I hadn't heard from you in a while, and I was wondering how you'd progressed, so I looked up your training log and noticed that you haven't really gotten any stronger at all."
"Yeah, I've had some issues..."
"Well, you know, I'm still open to helping you train if you're still up for it. I hate to see you wasting your time and getting injured, so I'll start you off with a couple months of training right."
".........."

Dude is a 300ish pound strongman. I've worked out with him a couple times, but I'd give almost anything for him to straight-up train me.

Alternatively:
"Hello?"
"Yes, this is ______ from the USC admissions office. I was just calling to let you know that there'd been a mailing error, and while you probably haven't received your packet yet, we would like confirmation that you'll be attending our school in the fall."
".............................."

Hmm...

I met a girl last night at a gig who was pretty awesome, if she somehow got my number and was calling me, that'd be pretty cool.

"As soon as I hang up I will shoot you in the head."

Hey Anon, so I was just thinking and I realised you must like me from the way you're so bumbling and shy around me. I find this totally hot and we should so get married and have lots of babies.
Oh and I forgot to mention I won the lottery and I want to share it with you and my tits are suddenly bigger.

Suicide inducing call:

(Caller): Hello, [Anon].
(Me): I'm sorry, who is this?
(Caller): I've been meaning to speak to you for some time.
(Me): Perhaps, but who is this?
(Caller): Have you ever-
(Me): Tell me who you are or shut the fuck up.
(Caller): ...
(Me): ...
(Caller): I was going to share with you the secrets of immortality and omniscience. That which you have dreamed of since you were a child.
(Me): What?! How?! I'm sorry! Please share them! Please!
(Caller): No. Good day.

Best phone call:

(Caller): Hello, [Anon].
(Me): I'm sorry, who is this?
(Caller): I've been meaning to speak to you for some time.
(Me): Perhaps, but who is this?
(Caller): Have you ever wondered about the implications of your thoughts?
(Me (uneasily)): ... yes.
(Caller): That there is something communicable within them?
(Me): Perhaps.
(Caller): That there is something to be known which is not?
(Me): Indeed.
(Caller): I want you to do something, something which may seem strange, but its purpose will be clear to you within due time.
(Me): That depends; what is it?
(Caller): I want you to investigate a particular area within your county. I have sent you a map through your primary e-mail. You are to copy this map to your PSP, as I know you have no printer paper left, and then follow it immediately. There is no time to waste. You must follow the map, by foot, and place your right hand on each of the following locations as shown. If you fail to do this you will regret it. Good luck, [Anon].
(Me): I see, but just who are you?
(Caller): You will meet me at the final location on the map. I am [Unpronouncible Name].
(Me): Do you have a nickname that I can call you by?
(Caller): Good day, [Anon].

"Hi, D.? Listen, you don't have to hide that you're gay. We know, but we're actually OK with it. We were just joking before."

"Hey look, I've done a lot of thinking about being alone, and figuring out what I want...

...and I want to be with you again, even if its just for a little while."

"Hey, Mike, you know about all those 'hallucinations' you've had that needed all those visits to a psychiatrist who said you had schizophrenia? Well, you don't. Those hallucinations aren't illusions. You're actually the Chosen One."

"You have been chosen for our top secret government superpower scheme!"

The best phone call I could have right now would be no phone call at all.

"Hyello."

"Hey baby?"

"Hi hon, what's up?"

"You remember Annalise, from my work?"

"Umm... I think so, red-blonde, kinda chubby but cute, a little shorter than you?"

"That's her. Remember me telling you about her asshole boyfriend, the one who spent all his time screwing other girls, though she never believed any of us when we told her?"

"Yeah."

"She just came in, makeup's all smeared. Apparently she caught the fucker in the act. She wanted to know if it was cool if she came over after our shift and hung out for a while, maybe crashed on the couch."

"I don't see why not."

"Great, she could really use some company right now. Oh, and go get some... one sec. (muffled, talking away from phone) Rum. Rum and Hawaiian punch."

"Can do, hon."

"Thanks babe, you're the best."

"John Mirra?"
"This is he."
"This is John Mirra. Welcome to the next level."

"I'm sorry. You got me. I wanted you to hurt because I was in love with you and you didn't want me. I got worse and worse because you didn't want me because of my age, and I never let you forget it. Now everything's messed up because I'm too stupid. Forgive me. And your girlfriend is prettier than me by bounds."

"Things with Lucas didn't work out, and I can't stop thinking about you, even after all these years."

>>4399468
I'll be damned if delusions of grandeur arent fun while they last though, I once thought I was the reincarnation of jesus

Either:

1. "Hey dude, this is Steve. Want some hours next week?"

or

2. "Hi! This is internet stalkee!! I'm finally leaving my boyfriend and I need a place to crash tonight, can I came over?"

I'd obviously prefer 2 over 1.

RING RING MOTHERFUCKING RING

Me: "Hello?"

Caller: "Hey, happy birthday!"

Me: ";_; Thank you! Who is this?"

Caller: "Oh, you probably wouldn't remember. I probably couldn't forget."

(Me) Greetings and salutations.
(Caller) Anon?
(Me) That's me. Danny?
(Caller) Yeah man. Dude, you have to listen.
(Me) All ears, bro.
(Caller) Right now, close your eyes. Hold your breath and count backwards from twenty. When you get to zero, say the word Asmodeus.
(Me) umm. all right.
(Caller) ...
(Me) ....................................Asmodeus. Wait, what the FUCK?
(Caller) IT WORKED FOR YOU TOO?
(Me) WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? WHERE AM I?
(Caller) Relax, man. Look out your window.
(Me) Is... is that a fucking Blackbird landing in the park?
(Caller) OK, OK, get up. Grab a sandwich. We've got a long weekend ahead of us.
(Me) YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

>>4399553
David, is that you?

Jesusblox.

"Hi, we've reviewed your resume, and we think that you're a perfect candidate for this position."

I need a job, robots. ;_;

"Hey man! What's going on?"
"Wait, I don't have a phone!"
"YOU DO NOW!"

Seriously. I don't have a phone. God dammit.

"Hey Anon, this is Tony Stark. Just wanted to let you know that you're my long lost son and I've been looking for you for years. I have a couple of Iron Man suits made just for you as well as a beautiful asian woman who loves you uncontrollably."

"Ok, that is awesome but how is this possible Dad?"

"I'm Tony Fucking Stark."

:VOICE: "Do not ask who i am, because it is at this point irrellevant. I have been following you for years, [Anon]. I have been following you and i know all about-"

:ME: "..umm... wait, what? Wh-"

:VOICE: "you know who, or rather what i am - i am <sic>, and i know that you have been looking for me all your life. Do you want to meet?"

:ME: "..yes"

// for me to know and you not to know, etc etc

not quite reality phone call:
"Hello (codename), I'll be at parking garage 4 in ten minutes. You kept your promise. You sent me back from the future."

More like reality phone call::
"Hi (name1), this is (name2) at Kronos [real company]. We'd like you to come down for an interview."
"Err, what position am I being considered for."
"Well, there's a collaboration we're starting up with Dr. de Grey that we thought you would be suited for."

"At the third beep the time will be ..."

"come and meet me at the bridge at 3?"

when I go out, find no one's there and ask her why she stood me up, she says that it honestly wasn't her.

THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

"Hey, Anon, it's ______. I just won two tickets for a Mediterranean Cruise. Let's go see the world and fuck like two possessed rabbits."

"hey i broke up with my boyfriend. i'm coming over to fuck you until i pass out"

"Hi Anon, this is the girl of your dreams speaking. I'm downstairs right now. You should come down <3"

This is, of course, entirely dependent on the assumption that the person on the other end of the live was actually the girl of my dreams.

" It's time to wake up. Wake up. Please wake up."

Hey, I wonder if you'd like to come over to my place. I'm feeling a bit lonely, so whaddaya say we cuddle?
:3

hey, I just read what you wrote in my yearbook.

and I agree, we really should fall in love someday...

>>4397362

How is... what is this I don't even...

Or how about this:

Caller: "Hello, anon."
Me: "Hi, who is this?"
Caller: "It's time for you to wake up."
Me: Umm, uhh, what do-"
Caller: "Have you ever felt that the world you are living in is not the 'real' world?"
Me: Uhh, yeah, I suppose."
Caller: "Listen, I don't have much time, but you are being held captive in this world. I have been sent here to help free you, but you must do exactly as I say."
Me: "okay..."
Caller: "When I say so, you need to leave your apartment, RUN down the hallway, take the stairwell to the first floor, and go to the front desk. It will be unmanned for exactly 4 minutes and 37 seconds. You will then reach underneath the desk on the left side, above the trash can. There is a set of keys. Take these keys, and run back to the second floor. Head into apartment 218 using the keys. Nobody will be home. There is a note on the kitchen table with further instructions."
Me: "wait, but..."
Caller: "go. NOW."
*click*

"Hey, I heard what you said. I can do that for you."

"Hey, it's me, your best friend you haven't seen in two years! My mother has finally gotten her life back together and has purchased me a flight up there so I can spend the summer with you, like I promised. We're going to have so much fun."

"Hey, just letting you know your hours have tripled on account of the professor not being a dumb shit and a money grubbing whore anymore."
"Awesome! I'm going to spend the extra money on booze!"
"You don't have to, we'll supply you with two beers an hour, every hour!"

alcoholism fuck year

"Hey, you were right. I'm not fictional. I'm coming there to get you. Stay RIGHT THERE. And don't worry, I know you changed addresses. I'm not gonna end up at the old place in some sort of too-tragic-to-laugh-at mix-up. Pack your stuff up."

>>4399513

Sir, will you have my children?

"Hay, this is someone from Aldi. You got the job. You'll be making $20/hr."
:D

"Hello"
"Meet me at Tim Hortons in 25 minutes"
"Who is this?"
"You know who it is."
[click]

"Hello? Is this Mr. Anonymous?"
"Yes, this is."
"This is Doctor Anonymous down at Hurf Durf Medical Center. Well, we were going over the previous medical records you sent, and noticed something."
*Bunch of doctor jargon*
"Or, more simply, we know what is wrong. We can fix it."

Then I can have a normal life, get a job, and take the GED + SAT.

There's nothing I could type without sounding like a tremendous faggot.

So let me just say that I still miss my best friend, and wish things didn't go down the way they did. My life has been shit without him. :/

"Yo, I got weed come over"
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT"

I love my ridiculously hot fuck buddy dealer.

'sup
You automatically get a B for the tomorrow exam, pack your shit we are going to Goa.

i'm blazed as hell right now, there's no way i'm answering my phone.

"Hi Michael, want to hang out?"

It won't be a good phone call unless it involves bringing my little sister back to life.

"Hey, you don't need to come into work today, we can handle it without you but we'll be paying you anyway."

You won the lottery!?!?

"Hey, this is god. I've decided to give you my job. Bye"

"Heey, i've thought about things and i decided i won't be going to meet this 10-years-older-guy-than-me who i've never met before.. I had really fun with you this weekend and i thought if we could meet again next thurdsay ^.^ "

"Hey, Anon...? Yeah...I'm coming to see you. I know I don't like you or anything, but the girls over here suck, and I need a good lay. So, address please?"
;_;

hurpa durpa
also m00tblawxxcks
702 743 7990

" The simulation is ending, if you have formed any emotional attachment to anyone or anything during your stay we suggest that you report to therapy soon after you leave."

>>4400423
You are such a raging homosexual

>>4400423
Has she rotted all the way through yet? Because she could be very lifelike with the right tools.

>>4400423
lowell

>>4397500
Holy fuck just die please.


Cuntblox.

Hello, I'm giving you a shitload of money

"Hey Anon, it's your little blond. I want to run away with you! Also, I can tell you've been losing weight my lovely fatty."

>>4397500
Hai I know you.

From,
>>4400764

FIVE COUNTRY PAINT

*ring*
Hello?
Hello Anon, you just won 10,000+ dollars!
WTF? Why?
Cause you're so funny and awesome and not fat at all!
Sweet!
It's in your mailbox, go get it.
*grabs knife* ok *goes to mailbox expecting to get jumped*
Have a nice life! *hang up*
*takes money and goes back inside with no other events happening*
yay!

This is NASA. We have been secretly putting together a mission to Mars and we want you to join the crew.

FUCK YEAH MARS

[ring.]

caller: hi. we're the oppressed, downtrodden, malnourished people that make up a large percentage of the world population."

me: oh. hi guys.

caller: yeah, we just wanted to say that even though we ain't got shit and you live a comfortable life, you don't have to feel guilty about anything. that's just how it is. now go and enjoy your material wealth that you did not earn.

me: seriously?

caller: yeah! just go have fun. stop worrying about us all the time. it doesn't help anything.

me: okay. thanks guys.

[click.]

me: Hello
Her:It was a mistake im so sorry, I want to get back together

"hello anon. this is the large hadron collider."

"hello large hadron collider."

"look, um, this is embarrassing, but we accidentally just shot a large bolt of mysterious exotic particles straight into your house. we're not sure what that means, but we think it might give you superpowers."

"sweet."

"so, um, just let us know if you suddenly develop the ability to blow shit up with your mind or anything."

"will do."

"right. that's all. good luck with your new crime fighting abilities."

Me: Hello!

Major Advertising Agency: Hello! This is The Major Advertising Agency! We know you didn't apply, but we've been stalking you for a while and enjoy your work. We see potential. Instead of spending another two to six years in school trying to learn skills that will be be easier to form through hands-on experience, how about you come and work with us on some huge ad campaigns? We'll pay top dollar, and you'll hopefully have some stellar successes to throw into your portfolio.

Me: But... I live no where near you guys.

Major Advertising Agency: Oh, we're aware. We've already worked out a two-year lease for a studio apartment within biking distance of our agency. We'll pay; our treat!

Me: When and where, baby? When and where?

This particular girl going all "I love you" or somesuch.

>>4397634
The best post in this thread. I laughed for about a minute solid.

"Hi there this is (ANY FUCKING COMPANY JESUS CHRIST I AM SO DESPERATE). You got the job!"

Shit, even a call for an interview would be nice right now.

That or
"Hey, its your ex from forever ago that got super hot. Lets hang out!"

"Hey Anon, my friends bet me that I couldn't give one guy a blowjob every day for the next ten years. So I'll see you in ten."

'In five minutes I will give you the ability to start life over with all the knowledge you have now, will you do it?'

"THE YANKS BOMBED BRUSSELS! AND BERLIN!"

-Anon speaking.
-Hi it's Femanon.
-Oh hi there.
-yeah hi, listen... could you please come over and keep me company? I'm feeling a little down and need someone to cheer me up... I want to spend time with you.
-Wow. I'm flattered. Yeah sure, no problem. I'll come up as soon as possible.

"Hey, i dumped him. Also, I won't go to scotland next year. I called you because i'd like to take a year off and hike around europe... I know it sounds crazy, but... wanna come ?"

;_;

Hi Anon, I know I usually don't call you, but... I've decided. I don't care if my staunchly "Chinese marry Chinese" parents never talk to me again, I love you. Now get down here as fast as you can, and let's get the fuck out.

"You have been chosen to by part of the secret space program, we offer you to use your technical skill on board of the Enterprise. We leave tomorow morning."