If you want something done, do it yourself.

Eat your own cum. It makes you smarter.

Stop caring about girls. They will start to notice you.

Don't shit where you eat. blocks

clean your room once in a while, but do it yourself.

Do not take hairdryers into a filled bathtub. It will electrocute you and you will die.

Before bed, drink a glass of water (or half, if you have a sensitive bladder).

No matter how much you're tempted, if you try to suck your own dick you will only get injured

No one can make you happy, only you can do that.

If you want to befriend hipsters, act like you think you are better than them. They will get confused and try to prove to you that they are, indeed, cooler than everyone else.

Close your eyes and keep your mouth open when people are talking to you. Easy way to impress women/bosses/prospective friends.

Don't go on /r9k/ searching for advice. It will only end in blood and tears.

Read those books you've been putting off all these years.

Take a walk and reflect life.

Invest heavily in yourself. Self-actualization eventually yields other rewards.

Don't hate on women

Don't masturbate in your bed.

>>4282899
Africa still needs to learn this one.

If you press B while your Pokemon is evolving, it stops the evolution, and your Pokemon will stay cute. :3

When you feel the urge to open a bag of chips, take a bad of carrots instead.

>>4282973

Best one yet

Also, treat your body like a God, you'll notice an improvement in your lifestyle and state of mind that cannot be surpassed by anything. Eat well, exercise daily and get a good night's rest, you'll be able to fight grizzlies afterwards.

Dont park next to a fire hydrant

>mb

Remorse are better than regrets.

If you go back in time, avoid killing any of your ancestors.

Stop worrying all the time.

The future is inevitable.

Just roll with it.

My father's friend was a plumber. He said that about 75% of his jobs could be fixed with either a plunger or a snake (aka auger).

Take home message: use a plunger/auger first before calling a plumber.

Drink a bottle of water every day. You'll feel refreshed and your whole body will benefit. You'll also lose some weight.

Go for a walk every day. If you don't like to go alone, get yourself a dog, you'll also start caring about something other than yourself.

Exercise. No matter how or how long. Even if it's just 30 minutes of jogging, go for it. Your body and mind will benefit.

Instead of crying over how bad your life is, try to improve yourself. Stop wasting time on the internet, start reading some books. Even if they won't be very ambitious and/or deep. Bonus points if you go and read outside if the weather is good.

Find yourself a hobby that doesn't involve computers. It doesn't matter what it will be. Take care of the plants in your house, start playing an instrument, start collecting coins, WHATEVER THE FUCK WILL KEEP YOU AWAY FROM YOUR PC FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES.

Shower daily. Brush your teeth 2 or 3 times a day. Take good care of your nails. If you have acne, visit a dermatologist, get it under control.

Start caring about your looks. No, it doesn't mean you should spend all your money on clothes. Just get yourself 2 pairs of decent jeans, some nice t-shirts and a pair of good-looking shoes. Wash and iron your clothes when they need it.

Smile. Smile a LOT. If you notice a girl looking you in the eye on the street, don't turn your head away, smile at her.

Stop eating snacks. Eat vegetables instead.

Don't drink cola or other shitty carbonated drinks. Get some vegetable or fruit juise instead. Preferably self-made, it will actually consist of juice and not water with sugar.

Never joke about someone's name, he already heard it.

Learn two Rae Rae.

http://www.myspace.com/raeraeatl11

>>4283033

Because choices don't exist.

>>4283052
>Start caring about your looks.

Clothes don't magically make you less ugly.

>>4283027
Apparently, you never read Rant

A lot of people are mildly lactose intolerant and unaware of it. If you get frequent/random acne and do everything else right maintenance wise, try laying off the dairy (including processed shit like Cheeto dust and milk solids in chocolate) for 2 weeks. If the acne starts to go away, congrats, you were mildly lactose intolerant. Switch to lactose-free milk and Rice ice cream.

>Rice ice cream

That sounds so appetising I think I might die

Drinking a few pints of water a day instead of soft drinks will make your skin healthier, you'll have more energy and a feeling of wellness to go with it

You're the only one responsible for your life. Stop blaming others for your mistakes. That's what weak people do. It's never too late to change.

It's all the fault of your parents, your school, your bullies, and every one that turned you into the mess you are. Blame them for what they did to you. Only pussies let others go away after ruining their life.

>>4283052
I love you, anon.
Thanks

It isn't anyone's fault. Not yours, not your parents, not the government. Things just happen.

I lost 5 pounds just by replacing all the pop I was drinking with water. So yea, water.

>>4282918
JESUS christ on a tit stick yes this times a million.

>>4283140

It's about the same. I actually prefer the chocolate kind over regular ice cream though. Way more chocolatey for some reason.

Personal responsibility. It means that even if it's other people's fault that we're broken, it is still our responsibility to make ourselves right.

Perhaps the most effective way of killing someone with a knife is by cutting at the front of their neck. This is likely to sever vital arteries, cutting blood supply to the brain, rendering the victim unconscious in under 10 seconds, and dead from blood loss soon afterward. Attempting to stab someone anywhere in the brain is more of a gamble and might leave them functioning enough to hurt you back.

If you can't manage to slice their throat, there's always the option of causing numerous stab wounds with quick stabs. More holes means more blood loss, quicker drop in blood pressure to the brain and therefore a blackout.

Whichever way you do it, remember that the victim might have several seconds of consciousness left during which he might attempt to retaliate. Exercise caution. Also remember that blood is messy and quite incriminating if it's not your own.

It's literal and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

If you're not into piracy/got the guv'ment paranoia fever and been living under a rock, Netflix has a plan that's 9 bucks a month and unlimited online movies (smaller inventory than regular mail DVDs, but decent still, especially if you're into indie movies/documentaries). I've watched 5 movies in over the last 24 hours.

Don't leave expensive things around niggers.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

LET'S PARTAY! :D ;D :D xD XD

Eat more vegetables.

Enjoy solid pooping, now you can wipe with one square of toilet paper

>>4283366
This a hundred times

feels good man

Do you have troubles when taking a shit? Does your body feel clogged?

The cure is simple. Buy crushed flax seeds and youghurt. Mix 1-2 tablespoons of flax seeds to the youghurt and eat it. Repeat daily. Also drink lots of water.
I had a horrible constipation which led to a painful anal fissure and this really helped me.

>>4283270

Finally, something I, a psychotic mountain man, can use

>>4283243
Nice attempt to turn this thread into an unholy pop vs soda flamewar. You failed though.

>>4283455

nice attempt at reviving the flamewar, idiot.

Dark chocolate (75%+) is a great laxative.

Masturbate frequently to increase the generation of fresh sperm.

Wear a condom and don't trust her.

Don't stay up until 2:30AM on 4chan when you have a huge paper to write, 3 hours of math homework, and a test in 6 hours while giving other people practical advice that you yourself never follow.

>Masturbate frequently to increase the generation of fresh sperm.
>giving other people practical advice that you yourself never follow.

>you yourself never follow.
>Masturbate frequently

oh you

Sex with Moot is everything it's cracked up to be.

before you light a cigarette, lick the tip of it to get it moist. not a lot, just about the last mm or so. when you light it, the smoke will be a lot smoother and cooler so you can actually enjoy the cigarette instead of burning your throat. works best with menthols.

hate is a result of fear, do not persue it.

>>4283472

Wait, are you me? God?

>>4283472
whats the purpose of masturbating to generate fresh sperm if you're going to wear a jimmy hat anyway?

If you're having trouble with premature ejaculation, make sure your breathing is controlled. Slower - deeper breathing helps to prevent premature ejaculation.

>>4283511
I am going to try this now. If you fail me, you shall be destroyed.

>>4283497

Does he keep the NY hat on?

>>4283270
I think I've read somewhere that the left armpit is a pretty decent place too. Something about heart proximity and blood vessel concentration that makes it a perfect place.

floss your teeth before you brush them. also, gently brush your tongue and the roof of your mouth.

take a dump at least once everyday and eat more fruit.

Understand the difference between compromise and sacrifice. Never sacrifice your standards and principles for anyone. You will not be happy if you can not even respect your own boundaries.

I will echo what alot of others have said in this thread. It may suck at first, but replace all the soft drink you would intake in a day with water. You get used to it after a while. Makes you feel good AND prevents you getting kidney stones... in fact a thread on r9k about a year ago about kidney stones has had me drinking 2.5 litres of water every day since... its great

Not the sunscreen song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YwqFz14xY4

Very relevant, plenty of constructive advice.

>>4283566

If you study a bit of anatomy there are lots of places in human body where a pretty shallow cut can cause a massive blood loss.

The same advice itt was given to you a thousand times by your parents and teachers but you only listen when its some anonymous dudes telling you stuff. Can we stop reinventing the wheel for all mistrusting butthurt teen fags ?

>>4283655
So you want people to walk everywhere?

Keep your gpa above 3.0 in college and doors will not close for you when you try to get into grad school or top employers.

Why hasn't anyone told me this before? Instead it was just do your best in college, you'r not in the medical field anyways so no one will care how you did.

>>4283655

My parents never gave me this kind of advice.
They just told me porn is evil.

What failures.

>>4284000

I was always told that employers rarely if ever look at your GPA unless the degree is highly dependent on your vocational skills.

>>4284000
Most professional schools care about GPA. Otherwise it's pointless.

>>4284038

Exactly. Or if your degree is HIGHLY technical such as some faggoty maths degree or engineering degree.

Vast majority of courses do not require a high GPA, it's more about how you apply yourself to real life situations.

Food that's healthier for you is cheaper, almost always.

Flossing gets rid of bad breath more than mouthwash/brushing teeth does. At least for me.

And cheese tasting is like wine tasting for poor people. As well as delicious.

>>4282915

Wrong, do yoga and you can do it ;D

Go for a walk every day. If you feel awkward about people seeing you alone, get a bike. You'll be past them before you start to worry.

>>4284119
I feel extra-awkward when I bike because I'm very clumsy and slow at it. And apparently having more than one gear in a hill-filled city is blasphemous.

>>4284137

Nah, it's better/faster than not biking at all. I'm in the same boat (inb4 YOU ON A BOAT) about the hilly city. Just gotta find alternate routes if you don't want to bear the lumps.

Get into the habit of sleeping on your back with only one small pillow. You'll get far less back pain/headaches, and it'll adjust your posture until you stand up straighter and hold your shoulders back naturally. Really changes how people see you.

Get into the habit of doing a small amount of pushups and crunches daily. Even just 20 of each in the morning will make a big difference to your body and your fitness levels, and it only takes a few minutes.

Drink lots of water. Keep a bottle of water with you at all times and drink it instead of soft drinks. Supplement it with a glass or two of juice every day, and occasionally some milk. You'll look and feel much healthier with sugery soft drinks out of your diet.

Smile until it becomes a habit :) You look happier and people will react to you much better ,which means you'll feel happier and more confident.

>>4283511
tobacco end or the filter end?

>>4284223
don't reuse plastic bottles too often, it can contaminate the water with plastic chemicals.

use a glass bottle if possible

>>4284567
The reason it usually tells you not to refill the bottle is because bacteria can build up on the mouth piece.
Just wash it regularly and you'll be fine.

There's a chemical called DEHA which can leech out of certain plastics, but most water bottles are made from PET which doesn't contain it.

Do what you want. If you don't want to be a tanned, sociable, squeaky clean guy then don't. It's the media and modern culture in general telling you that if you don't have sex by the time you're 18, you're a complete sad loser who will never have friends and you'll be ridiculed and unhappy for the rest of your life.

If you care more about studying that partying because you want that dream job, do it. If you enjoy time alone more than huge social events, entertain yourself. The majority of the worlds greatest minds and people have been rather reclusive.

>>4284710

Can't agree enough.
One of the most important things I've come to realize was that the image of "personhood" that's sold to consumers in our culture is really just an image that profits off its own commodification. Everything that people do is human nature. Nothing you do can really be considered contrary to that unless you think of it in terms of normalcy, which is really just based on statistical trends, whether it's liking vidya, drawing blueprints, or even indulging in alternative sexual practices.

So yeah, do what you want. Except babyfuck. That's sick

Smoke less weed. Exercise more.

All life experience is contained in books. Simply reading classic literature can change your life immensely. If not change your life, it can at least give insight into other situations, times, personalities.

Self-awareness is the greatest gift you can have. From it stems the will to change your life for the better.

Instead of reading self-help books, read autobiographies of famous people, whether generals, soldiers, writers, politicians, sports stars, musicians, intellectuals. You will pick up lessons along the way.

wanna know how much you overeat? Count how many calories in everything you eat in a day. You'd be amazed to find how far over 2000 calories you go.

>>4284655
The polymer plasticizer in plastic bottles and other food containers makes people fat and is unhealthy in other ways.

Slit the throat and let the heart pump out 95 percent of the blood

>>4284954
typical fatass spouting inane bullshit.

WHOA COOL I JUST NOTICED YOUR TRIP LOOKS LIKE DRUGS YOU ARE SO HARDCORE.

go nurse a shotgun faggot