Is your dog giving a virgin birth to the new messiah? Do you want her to look like it?

Buy this literal piece of material for $20.

Seriously.

>>2970102
What the fuck is that supposed to do? And what can it do that I can't achieve by sticking a towel on my dog's head?

That double umbrella actually looks like something useful. Props to the person who invented it.

Are you a fucking annoying bitch who never grew up?

Want to let men know not to approach you without even opening your fat whore mouth?

Buy this Sock Monkey Hat and Matching Glove Set, cunt.

Only $30!
(Not recommended for attractive women, or women under 200 pounds)

IT'S A MAZE FOR YOUR FOOD

Want to play a really really funny trick on your wife?

Use this Practical Joke Garage Door Screen to fool your wife into crashing into the still closed garage door with her Volvo!

She will be laughing so hard, she wont even care that the family car AND garage door need to be replaced! Unless, you know, the airbag breaks her nose.

ONLY $54.44!!!

>>2970266
Shit that's awesome, every piece has a crust

>>2970266
Its like a cross section of my bowels!

These sounds like commercials from GTA.

Hey Dads!

You know what would convince you daughter to love you?

If you spent $129.99 on this Barbie television that your little girl will NEVER EVER grow out of!

Are you tired of having to hold up your books when you read? If so, we have the perfect item for you. Its simply called: Levo Book Holder. It holds books! It has 360 degree tilt! We put shit in there about Yaw, so Chuck Yeager would be proud!

Lets not beat around the bush.
This product will give you straight up superpowers.

Whether you choose to use these newly found powers to fight crime, or fight those who fight crime is up to you, as long as you can shell out the $449.95 for these glasses, erm I mean superhero goggles.

There comes a time in every modern relationship where you become so close with your partner that you want to peer inside of their very being. Literally.

Now couples can finally see inside eachother with the new Intern-A-Scope! Simply lube the Intern-A-Scope up and gently shove it up your significant others Vagina (Women) or Asshole (Men).

Now with a light on the end!

Perfect gift for baby showers!

$749.99!

Has your cat told you lately that he wants to shit inside the Hubble Telescope?

Want to take your dog for a ride in the car, but worried about whether you are being cruel enough?

No need to worry, with the Travelling Pet Seat. Just put your dog in the chair and use the heavy duty hook to forcibly strap your dog to the seat! At 99.95, Auto-related pet torture has never been so cheap!

Do you suffer from extreme muscle atrophy? Need help getting onto surfaces that are 2 feet from the ground? Ever wish you had stairs to help you ascend larger sets of stairs?

The FATSTEP is perfect for you!

only 4 easy payments of $26.99

>>2970590
no pics fagget?

you're going to give me a heart attack from laughter here.

Hey mother fucker. Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Are you the kind of person who skydives, skateboards, or is a matador in their spare time; Spare time of course being when you're not too busy at your job...doing stunts in the next Rush Hour movie. If so, and if you're going bald, this one's for you. You like lasers? We got them. You like risk free trials? We got them too. You want your hair back? Buy this, at only $299 this is a steal of a deal. You want more proof of its xtreem/awesomeness? This thing works on WOMEN. Dont take my word for it, take the word of X5User

Pros: easy to use.

"I've been using the X5 for 2 months and already notice new hair growth. I'm amazed. It's comfortable and easy to use. Anyone who has thinning hair should try this!!!!!!!!!"

Gender: Female
Age: 41-45

>>2970622
oh shi

here it is, straight from my desktop.

thanks for the reminder man

Tired of being spotted in your neighbors tree? Since this is camouflaged, the chances of you being seen are a small percentile less! Voyeur weekly called it "a must have" while Tree Top Tim's mag called it "a breakthrough in the industry"!

>>2970714
Tree. Top. Tim.

You are a genius.

>>2970646
lol, i have one of those, or at least one similar. for my rabbit. he is old and crotchety, and has trouble getting out of his cage, so he needs steps.

Lets face it. You are ugly, fat and middle aged. You are not going to find a women who will love your sorry ass.

You better just go ahead and spend $2000+ on a Star Trek chair.

>>2970796
Holy. Shit.

Want.

>>2970796
I swear if I had the money I'd buy this motherfucker

Do you regret not marrying a giantess all those years ago? Would you like to be able to look at your wife's breasts without the hassle of tilting your head? Do you have the compulsion to arrange your living room's decor and occupants from tallest to shortest? Well then you are in need of the Adult Booster Seat. This alloy framed polycarbonate masterpiece will elevate your woman and your spirits.
A must have for any eclectic gentleman who demands order in his home for only $109.99.

Also theperfect gift for people who enjoy being assholes at the theater!

>>2970903
i lol'd reasonably hard.

MORE!!!

Are you one of the many who'd happily have your cat take a shit in your living room, were it not a social faux pas? Do you wish your friends could enjoy the odor of cat litter when coming over to watch the big game? We have the solution!

This litterbox tricks your friends into thinking that what's really a toilet for your pets is actually a tasteful house plant! (As long as your cats don't tell!)

Tired of having somewhere to put your knees while working on your laptop? Well now you don't have to! With the Mobile Laptop Desk, you can easily bang and bruise your knees the way they deserve, while still doing important tasks on your laptop!

A must have for any aspiring masochist! Get the Mobile Laptop Desk for only $99.99 today!

Looking for the perfect way to scare the shit out of your already paranoid teenage son sneaking in lately after night of hallucinations?

Install this Tree Goblin face into a tree in your front yard and laugh as the little fucker shits his pants in terror.

Only $50!

*******SPECIAL OFFER*********
Order now and we will install a video camera into one of the eyes so you can capture the moment of terror on tape!

>>2971155
>sneaking in late after a night of hallucinations?

Sorry. Spellcheck's fault.

>>2971155
Hahaha, my mom got a fake face for a tree we had in our yard once.

MORE, MORE MORE I SAY
FUKKEN LOL'D

Do you like to watch your watches spin in place? For no apparent reason? Then this product is for you! With this amazing display case, you can watch four of your watches rotate AT THE SAME TIME!! Only $349.95!!

Buy one today!

Is your head too fat for your neck to lift its weight? Have your vertebrae fused together rendering you unable to tilt your head? Do you want to maintain visual contact with your penis whilst falling asleep? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then you'll love our new "I'm Too God Damned Lazy to Sit Up" glasses!

Do you have a special place in your heart for whips?

What about Ind- Holy shit wait a minute, that kinda looks like a penis!

Do you have aches and pains on 90% of your body? Do you frequently wonder what it would be like to be inside a vibrating buttplug? If so, then this is the product for you! Introducing the Ultimate Massage Chair, from Skymall! Features Low, Medium, High, and ROCK AND ROLL settings.

Also comes with attachable wheels, for when you want to pretend to be a physically dead supergenius from a James Bond movie.

Only $5,999.00!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO REMOVE YOUR PETS FROM YOUR TRUNK LIKE YOU'RE UNLOADING LUGGAGE FROM AN AIRPLANE? BUY OUR AMAZING PET UNLOADING RAMP TODAY! ONLY $159.99!!

>>2971366
Kind of want.

How much?

>>2971389
I imagine Mr. Bubbles living in one of these.

>>2971390
I don't think any amount of satire could be funnier than the actual description for that product.

This thread is making me chuckle heartily. Good show.

>>2971396
$50. Absolutely nothing on this site is worth buying.

Are your pants too good to hang out with all the other shitty clothes you keep in your closet? Do you feel the need to pamper your trousers? Do you have too much free floor space in your bedroom? Then buy our special Mahogany Trouser Rack today!! Keep your elitist pants happy! Take up valuable floor space! Increase your sex drive! The Mahogany Trouser Rack! Only $189.99!

Want your daughter to know what it is like to visit the motherland but you dont have enough money to take her there because you are addicted to cocaine?

Buy her this cheap substitute, nigger!
With her inner city public school education, she wont know the difference anyway!

holy fucking shit cocks this thread

Do you suffer from being completely unable to multitask without killing everyone in your motor vehicle? Do you still harbor boyhood dreams of being a spaceship captain? If so, then the new BlueTooth Steering Wheel attachment is right up your alley! You'll be setting a course for warp factoy FUN in no time!

Built-in AI not included.

Only $99.99

Are your minions not performing at their best? Crocodile pit not what you expected? Upgrade today and defend your evil genius' lair with LASERS!! Each turret has two lasers, providing 360 degrees of protection!
- Fry spies and good-doers in their tracks!
- Laugh nefariously as limbs are sliced off with microscopic precision!

Order now and get a FREE additional laser turret when you purchase three! Only $29.99 each! What are you waiting for?

If this thread can last til tomorrow and more people post, I do believe it'll be worthy of archiving.

Enjoy freaking out your friends with fake spiders? Well it's time to take that to a whole new level! With the Vibrating Head Massager you can creep the fuck out of any arachnophobes with little to no effort!

Note that skymall.com takes no responsibility if you ruin your genitalia trying to use the Vibrating Head Massager for self pleasure.

Do you enjoy dressing like you're in cult?
Are you a big Polyphonic Spree fan?
Are you IN the Polyphonic Spree?

You know what to do!
Buy.This.Shit!

Have you ever wanted to travel to the mysterious depths of Mordor?

Don't wait!

You too can travel with your loved ones to destroy this ring that you just bought. Fight monsters and corrupt wizards. Only $49.95.

These are great. I remember that slanket thread from a while back.

Ever dream of controlling the humidity of your house just by tweaking a pengiun's penis?

Behold! The Future!

Want to teach your cat how to be in a Broadway show?

Now you can! Buy this String Machine and your cat will be tap dancing in no time. Impress your neighbors! Make millions off your cat for an investment of only $29.95. Cat not included.

Want a cool way to tell everyone that you're a softball playing lesbian? Buy this sack!

Rent James Gandolfini!
Seriously! He really has nothing better to do now that The Sopranos are over!

Your very own Tony Soprano for one whole day!

- Impress your friends!
- Have him preform at children's parties!
- Have him yell at your kids/wife/boss/mother in law!
- Make him do household chores!
- Give your dog a bath!
-Have him pick up your groceries!

Anything goes!

Only $200 an hour!

Have a dog that loves taking shits next to blue rectangles?

WE HAVE JUST THE THING FOR YOU: The Deluxe Blue Rectangle

This Deluxe Blue Rectangle is of the highest tiers of blue rectangles. Made with the finest quality materials. Blue Rectangle is made in Germany. You know the Germans always make good stuff.

>>2971630
holy fuck this is by far the best one I'm literally crying from laughter

>>2971675
learn2SKYMALL

fucktard

>>2971687
Bro. Dude.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102485082&c=10344

Its legit. i just took some creative freedom.

Teach the young ones to build and rebuild levees at a young age!

Perfect for Hurricane Season!

$199.99

It's 3am. You've just blown a load into your girlfriend at your parents' house and you're tiptoeing through the house to dispose of the evidence in the trash. Suddenly, BAM, you've tripped over your cat, landing on a second cat, feeding him the jizzballoon and giving him chlamydia. Your parents come downstairs and cut your feet off for your insubordination, and your girlfriend dies of shock.

Sound familiar? If so, you are one of the ten million Americans who could benefit from CATSHELF!
Yes, CATSHELF is the height of modern design, mixing the best parts of home furnishing and MC Escher style cat psychonomics to create a door-hangable feature that keeps errant cats floor-free.

Buy now for $199.99 and receive a condom incinerator absolutely free!

Are you a kinky bitch?

Can't reach orgasm while masturbating unless you are being strangled?

Just strap into one of these, and close your eyes, imagining a pair of strong, fatherly hands gripping around your neck.

Perfect for single women!

Only $26.85

>>2971740
FUCK I lol'd.

Perfect time for a new skymall thread, OP. I remember how much I rofled at the slanket thread.

>>2971750
ohh jesus wearing a dildo I lol'd hard.

>>2971750
What the fuck is that even meant to do? Can you post the real description?

>>2971766
some sort of neck-warmer/pillow, i guess

>>2971761
I was hesitant to start another, to be honest, but I had a rough day and needed some laughs.

:D

Are you, like me, TIRED of using that godforsaken clickwheel? Are you righteously indignant that your iPod can't also provide a silky smooth shave?

YOU'RE IN LUCK!
The new iPod shaveMouse will do EXACTLY THESE THINGS.
Only 4 easy payments of $99.50 will net you this sleek and sexy iPod accessory ALL the hipsters are into this season!!

caution does not actually shave mice.

>>2971740
Genius.

Damn, some of you guys are good enough to write for Cracked.com

no caption necessary. I want this.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102836020&c=10511

>>2971791
who says we don't?

MYSTERY OH MY

>>2970382

It'll break well before then.

>>2970322
Holy shit I nearly choked on my fruit salad cos of that comment, you bastard =D

Are you ready to be the coolest motherfucker on campus, with the greenest shirts, the stiffest, starchiest hats, and the most stable laptops?

Watch as the chicks swoon as you walk to class while playing minesweeper or making some Execl spreadsheet on your Toshiba that you got in 8th grade.

Hat, shirt, laptop, and laptop strap ALL included.

An awesome guy like you wouldn't care how much all this is, so just buy it.

OK fine, its $345.44, but hey! Its college!


SKYMALL!

>>2971805
>fruit salad

wait, people actually eat that?

by choice?

Does riding the plane get you...excited?

Many men experience the phenomenon known as Avi-rousal while on planes. 6/10 men have reported that they get seemingly unhuman sized erections while in the air.

No fear, aviation enthusiasts! Meet the Air-Bone! Finally with the Air-Bone, you can hide your rock hard 2 foot cock comfortably!

Just place your penis in the hole at the bottom and pretend you are asleep the whole time.

It's that simple!

Bump to keep the thread alive so i can wake up to something nice moot bloxc

With multiculturalism at an all time high and lynchings at a relative low, our friends at Barbie have given us this special ticket to the modern girl's dream: the ghetto!
Yes, we're moving on down to the east side with BARBIE BOOMBOX! Let your 5-10 year old shake booty with the hoes and talk ebonics wit the dealahs un get dey tittays all squeezin up in dey tube tops 'fo realz' with BARBIE BOOMBOX.

Warning: Mattel do not recommend coming within ten feet of an actual black person. Let your child enjoy Barbie Boombox in the relative safety of your back yard, where only you can rape them.

FACT: Fish are bitches.

Always staring at you with those googly vapid eyes. Little fuckers are so indignant, so show them who's boss by putting them inside one of their own. Granted, a lifeless glass version of their own. Little shitbags won't know the difference.

They'll be all "Oh god, whatdoIdo". And you'll be like "Yeah douchefin, WHAT NOW?"

Sick of your children running off and getting lost in the supermarket? Tired of naming your newborns?

With the child-sized 'BRAND'- new KIDSTAMPER, these worries are lost in the annuls of time.
See it brand this steak! Imagine that, but on the soft skin of a child's face. These things practically sell themselves!

$19.95. Steak not included.

Fellas, lets cut to the chase here, every man one time or another has tried anal masturbation.

Many men are turned off because they think it is gay to put a fake penis in your ass.

Dont fret, men! Because we here at Skymall know just the solution.

With the new Lombardi Libido, you can experience anal stimulation while still being a man's man!

Just lube up this granite-look resin piece and go for the touchdown!

Just remember guys, "The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender!"

Is your child failing at school? Do you have a high-maintainance disease? Does the universe seem overwhelming and resentful of you?
If you answered yes to these or any other questions, you need CUBE.

CUBE is your pal!
CUBE knew your ancestors!
CUBE is the light at the end of all things!

Order in the next ten minutes and receive SPHERE and PYRAMID absolutely free!

Disclaimer: Bringing these three objects together may cause nausea, omniscience, and may lead to colours running. Keep separate.

These kind of threads are what makes me proud to be a Gentlemen.

>>2971448

good stuff.

mootymoot

Are you one of the millions who cannot fall asleep unless you are 69ing an albino Gumby?

You are not alone.

And, thanks to Skymall, you no longer need to suffer.

>>2971984
Well done anon, well done.

mootblok

ilovethisthreadsomuch.jpg

>>2971984
OH FUCK
I am lol'ing with the fury of ten thousand suns.

Hey! Do you like Hockey? I don't either!

But pay $130.00 for this picture. It was signed by a Chinese toddler working in a sweatshop!

SKYMALL!

SKYMALL!

This thread should be archived for optimum, long-lasting hilarity.

>>2972141
I archived directly.

You should make moar.

:D

Op here. i am going to sleep. I expect to see more of these by morning.

I hopppppeee.

bomp.

i am bomping this.

>>2971984
>>2971630
These two have got to be my fav's hahahaha keep up the good work guys lol XD
P.S bump ^.^

but what can skymall off the weekend furry?

>>2971553
YOU FAGGOT YOU WERE NOT HERE FOR THE LAST VERSION, THE ORIGINAL. THE MOTHERFUCKING SNUGGIE SLANKET STARTED IT. YOU SUCK.

bumping to page one
moooot blooocksx

Tired of using paper towels? They're costly and envirnmentally wasteful.

Shamwow is made in germany you know the germans always make good stuff. Call quick you know I can't be doing this all day

Are you one of the millions of older Americans with failing eyesight, your fading senses an inescapable reminder of your mortality and the lack of accomplishment in your life? Do you use a magnifying glass, but wish it were more complicated?

Well we have the product for you! The Portable Electronic Magnifier is an electronic replacement for that old, functional glass magnifier, letting yourself believe that you're part of the new, tech-savvy generation, where the prospect of an unmourned death is still beyond the horizon. And with its 3-hour battery life, you can have fun recharging it again and again, feeling connected and "wired" like the kids today, as the batteries slowly charge less and less until finally they give out, a painful reminder of your own body's deteriorating condition as you sit alone and unremembered in a dark house full of books you can no longer read and portraits of family whose names you can't quite remember.

Only $199.00.

Have you ever had problems with a Deer? Do they come in your yard and eat your blue ribbon winning pansies? If so, buy this deer repellent for 20 bucks. The deer will fuck off for 2 months, and you'll be king of your castle again.