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11/21/10(Sun)11:45:59 No.12105007 File1290357959.png-(313 KB, 398x297, mandmz.png)
Whenever
I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold
M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and
forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them
breaks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found
that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer
blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue
M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally
I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or
flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness,
but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this
way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach
the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the
herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it
neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars,
Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 07840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they
wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of
plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the
weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will
discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
>repealed Jactes |