>>328133
this shit is profound

SO THERE I WAS BEING SALINGER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO PUBLISH SHIT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A LOT OF BOOKS AND PUBLISHING THEM"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF AN ERA AND A RECLUSE

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328133
Yes, I'm sure that Kafka's editors said that to him. About all the stories he published during his lifetime. That they edited.

inb4 belair

>>328133
i'm pretty sure Kafka never loved his life : |

SO THERE I WAS BEING JOYCE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"H. C. Earwicker is subject to scandalous rumor."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW BOUT WRITING SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"Earwicker flees."

THAN I DRANK LOTS OF ABSINTHE

I LOVE MY LIFE.

SO THERE I WAS BEING HEMINGWAY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO USE MORE THAN JUST ONE-SYLLABLE WORDS IN SHORT SENTENCES"

AND I WAS LIKE PUT A SHOTGUN IN MY MOUTH AND PULLED THE TRIGGER

SO THERE I WAS BEING AYN RAND

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO TRY TO MAKE SOME SENSE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A BOOK WITHOUT A 400 PAGE MONOLOGUE ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF STUPID COLLEGE FRESHMEN

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING RAND

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT HOW SOCIALISM SUCKS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"SURE"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT STARTING A CULT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"SIGN ME UP."

THEN I BECAME THE FIGUREHEAD OF A POLITICAL GROUP.

I LOVE MYSELF.

SO THERE I WAS BEING PALAHNIUK

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT RANDOM TRIVIA"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY WITHOUT A VULGAR TWIST ENDING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF AN UNDERGROUND MOVEMENT OF RETARDS WHO THINK MY BOOKS ARE REAL LIFE

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ALCOTT

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT HOW SHITTY PERIODS ARE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT HAVING A MALE LEAD?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND LOTS OF WOMEN BOUGHT MY BOOKS

I LOVE MY LIFE

more like

SO THERE I WAS BEING KAFKA

WHEN MY FRIENDS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO PUBLISH MORE OF YOUR WORK, IT'S AMAZING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT NOT MAKING US LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE WHEN YOU DIE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THAN I DIED AND THEY PUBLISHED IT ANYWAY AND I BECAME A VOICE OF AN ERA

I HATED MYSELF

SO THERE I WAS BEING MCCARTHY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK OFF"

SHIT WAS SO CASH

>>328203
beat me to it. Damn. You missed the being a nihilist but calling nihilist novels "romantic comedies". I still really enjoy his stuff though, so whatever.

SO THERE I WAS BEING MEYER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN PANDERING TO ANGST RIDDEN TEENAGE GIRLS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOME DECENT PROSE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"EDWARD VS. JACOB!"

NOW I PASS FOR A DECENT WRITER

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ANON

WHEN MY /LIT/ CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT AYN RAND"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT AN AWESOME THREAD WHERE WRITERS CAPS LOCK FOR COOL"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF A BUMP

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING CHARLES FUCKING BUKOWSKI

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ABOUT YOURSELF. IT'S STARTING TO COME OFF AS SELF-IMPORTANT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU I AM DRUNK"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"TRY WRITING A BOOK THAT ISN'T ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD ACNE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU EVERYONE LOVES A GOOD STORY ABOUT ACNE!"

THEN I BECAME A DRUNK HOBO WHO CAN'T WRITE WORTH DAMN

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PROUST

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"THIS BOOK IS WAY TO FUCKING LONG"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU, THE BOOK IS THE APPROPRIATE LENGTH, NOT A PAGE MORE OR LESS, IT REMINDS OF A TIME, IN MY BOYHOOD, WHERE I-"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WHAT ABOUT USING SHORTER SENTANCES"

SO I KEPT TALKING UNTIL THEY LEFT

AND I GET COMPARED TO SHAKESPEARE

I LOVE MY LIFE

this thread is awesome. props to OP.

so there i was being cummings

when my editor came in and was like

you need to use capitals and punctuation

when you write about

a clown's smirk in the skull of a baboon

and i was like

i was like

was like

like

!gnap

;a:go

(pho) [}

motherfuckers.

>>328240
bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

>>328240
lol'd so fucking hard.

SO THERE I WAS BEING LOVECRAFT

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT EXTRADIMENSIONAL TERRORS MAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO KNOW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT HOW BLACK PEOPLE SUCK"

AND I WAS LIKE

"SOUNDS GREAT"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF A BUNCH OF OLD-TIMEY HORROR KNOCKOFFS

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328246
>>328247
hivegiggle?

SO THERE I WAS BEING MCCARTHY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO USE QUOTATION MARKS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A HAPPY STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE AN AUTHOR ON OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB

I'M A G

SO THERE I WAS BEING STEPHEN KING

WHEN MY PUBLISHERS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE "YOU NEED TO HIRE SOME EDITORS STEPHEN"

THEN I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU I'M DOING SOME BLOW"

NOW I'M THE VOICE OF 13 YEAR OLDS WHO THINK THEY ARE DEEP AND MYSTERIOUS

>>328252
Surely!

SO THERE I WAS BEING KEN KESEY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK THAT OUTDOES ONE FLEW OVER"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WE KNOW YOU'VE GOT IDEAS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I DOSED EVERYONE THE FUCK OUT ON LSD SO THEY COULD BE ON MY LEVEL

I LOVE ACID

Hmm, these look familiar...

http://archive.easymodo.net/cgi-board.pl/a/thread/28673006

SO THERE I WAS BEING MURAKAMI

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP DESCRIBING SEX SCENES IN RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF MINUTIAE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUKKU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"YOU SHOULD WRITE WITH MORE SUBTLETY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUKKU"

THEN I BECAME AN IDOL TO ALL HORNY TEENAGE-A BOY

I NO COMMIT SEPPUKU NOW

SO THERE I WAS BEING DICKENS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT ADORABLE ORPHANS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT GETTING PAID BY THE WORD"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE MOST SPLENDIFEROUS, I REMARKED AS I NOTICED THE FINE ELABORATE CURLS ON THE EDGE OF MY PARCHMENT THAT RESEMBLED A STRAY LOCK OF HAIR BRUSHED CARELESSLY ASIDE BY A GOLDEN ANGELIC GIRLCHILD WITH LITTLE MONEY BUT LARGE AMBITIONS WHO IS YET IN THE DEWY MORNING OF HER LIFE"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF AN ERA

I LOVE MY LIFE

fakken saved. Archive this shit

SO THERE I WAS BEING OSCAR WILDE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING SEX WITH BOYS ITS ILLEGAL"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ANOTHER NOVEL"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WAH. FUCK YOU. I'M TRAUMATIZED ABOUT GOING TO PRISON"

THEN I BECAME THE FIRST POP IDOL.

I LOVE MY LIFE.

>>328269
yeah, whatever :3

this is now /lit/s new meme, and /lit/s resident socash copypasta.

>>328279

Alternate version,

SO THERE I WAS BEING WILDE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT HOMOSEXUALS AND HEDONISM"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WHY NOT WRITE ABOUT WOMEN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND THEN I WENT TO JAIL FOR SODOMY

FUCK

>>328290
But /a/ and every other board does it everyday.

SO THERE I WAS BEING EDGAR ALLAN POE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT CRAZY MURDEROUS PEOPLE"

AND I WAS LIKE

FUCK YOU

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE ABOUT BIRDS?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"NEVERMORE."

THAN I GOT DRUNK IN BALTIMORE AND DIED ON A PARK BENCH

I LOVE MY AFTERLIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING POE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"TRANSCENDENTALISM IS WHERE IT'S AT, YO"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A HAPPY STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I FELL IN THE GUTTER, NEVERMORE

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PERROTTA

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SO GLIB"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A BOOK THAT ISN'T ABOUT MIDLIFE CRISES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF HIPSTER COLLEGE STUDENTS

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328306
>>328302
Well, fuck.

SO THERE I WAS BEING CONAN DOYLE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT A FICTIONAL DETECTIVE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A NICE ROMANCE WITH NO SCIENTIFIC INVESTIGATIVE METHODS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF FORENSIC LITERATURE

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328302
>>328306
I like them both. lol sure is hivemind in here

>>328300
but we're the resident book board! we must appropriate this for our own uses.

SO THERE I WAS BEING JANE AUSTEN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT BITCHES FINDING A HUSBAND"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A SOCIALLY-RELEVANT STORY?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF SELF-OBSESSED FAT WOMEN

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING CHRIS HANSEN WITH DATELINE NBC

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY PREDATORS THERE ARE OUT THERE NO SO SHUT UP YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MAN"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF CATCHING PREDATORS YOU CATCH BUGS OR SOMETHING I THINK THAT WOULD BE A MORE AMICABLE AND ENJOYABLE SHOW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU. HAVE A SEAT. RIGHT OVER THERE"

THEN I BECAME PEDOBEAR'S ANTITHESIS.

I LOVE MY LIFE.

>>328302
>>328306
SO THERE I WAS BEING POE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD LOOK AT YOUR EYEBROWS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"Ouch."

THIS IS WHY I DRINK

>>328324
Jane Austin is socially relevant.

SO THERE I WAS BEING PLATH

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT DYING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A HAPPY STORY FOR WOMEN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME AN HERO

I CLEARLY DID NOT LOVE MY LIFE

http://4chanarchive.org/
request interface
thread ID - 328133
Submit.

>>328329
ba ha ha ha ha.

>>328335
SYYYLLLVVIIIAAA GET YOUUURRR HEEEEAAAD OUUUTT OF THE OOVVVEEEENNNN

SO THERE I WAS BEING ROSALIND FRANKLIN

WHEN WATSON AND CRICK CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"WERE GOING TO TAKE ALL YOUR WORK AND BASICALLY CLAIM IT AS OUR OWN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"YEAH WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO WHEN A NOBEL PRIZE FOR THIS AND REDEFINE MODERN SCIENCE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I DIED AND NEVER GOT ANY REAL CREDIT FOR FINALIZING THE DNA MODEL

I HATE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING VONNEGUT

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT BIZARRE GENRE FICTION MIXED WITH REALISM"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A HAPPY STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"so it goes."

THEN EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY

WHEN THE TSARISTS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU ARE LIBERAL. YOU ARE GOING TO SIBERIA NOW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"HEY FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"AND WE'RE GOING TO ALSO EXECUTE YOU"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WROTE THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD

I HAD A HARD LIFE.

SO THERE I WAS BEING HARRIS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"WE NEED MORE STARLING SEXUAL TENSION"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WHAT ABOUT LECTER-AS-A-KID SEXUAL TENSION"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WROTE HANNIBAL RISING

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING BRONTE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"MK."

SO THERE I WAS BEING ICEBERG SLIM

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT PIMPS AND TRICKS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK DAT."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A FEMINIST NOVEL"

AND I WAS LIKE

"YOU CATS IS FUCKIN CRAZY"

THEN I SMACKED THEM NIGGAZ WIT MY CANE

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328326
I love Chris Hansen.

>>328248
I died.

SO THERE I WAS. BEING HUNTER. S. THOMPSON.

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"THOMPSON. YOU NEED TO STOP SUCKING. YOUR WRITING USED TO BE GOOD BUT NOW IT SUCKS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB"

AND THEY WERE LIKE

'WAT. WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE NOW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"GUYS. IF I'M DEAD WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS IT'S BECAUSE THEY KILLED ME. I KNOW HOW THESE BASTARDS THINK"

THEN I PUT A SHOTGUN IN MY MOUTH AND TRIED TO FAKE MY OWN MURDER

I DID NOT LOVE MY LIFE

>>328382
/facepalm.

SO THERE I WAS BEING THOMAS PYNCHON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING SO MANY STORY LINES THAT AREN'T RESOLVED BY THE END OF THE BOOK"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A COHESIVE THIRD-PERSON OMNISCIENT PIECE THAT DOESN'T KNOW MORE TRIVIA THAN KEN FUCKING JENNINGS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF POSTMODERN SCHOLARS (UNTIL DELILLO, ANYWAY)

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ROWLING

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO RUIN ALL YOUR FANS LIVES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"NO ONE CARED ABOUT CEDRIC"

AND I WAS LIKE

"DAMN YOU'RE RIGHT"

SO I KILLED FRED AND DOBBY

AND I STILL WAS THE VOICE OF AN ERA

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING KINGSLEY AMIS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"HU - WHA - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON - I NEVER DRINK"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"OH GOD ARE YOU DRUNK RIGHT NOW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"HAH! IM NEVER DRUNK! I AM A DRUNK"

THEN I HAD ANOTHER DRINK

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING HUNTER S. THOMPSON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE DRUGS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"MY GOD HOW DO THESE LIZARDS SPEAK"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"SERIOUSLY MAN, HOW CAN WE PUBLISH THIS?!"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE ON ACID"

THEN I BECAME A BELOVED ICON OF CONSEQUENCE-FREE DRUG USE.

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328382
damn beat me to it

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 5 times now.

Is Hunter S Thompson in /lit/?

SO THERE I WAS BEING MARQUIS DE SADE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT EVERY SEXUAL PERVERSION EVER AND EATING SHIT AND KILLING PEOPLE AND MASTURBATING WITH CRUCIFIXES AND BEING COMPLETELY SEXUALLY DEVIANT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU IN THE ASS"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A CHILDREN'S BOOK"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH A CRUCIFIX AND THEN TEAR YOUR HEART OUT AND SHIT IN THE HOLE AND THEN FUCK YOU IN IT TILL I COME AND THEN STICK YOUR HEART BACK INTO THE BLOODY SHIT AND COME FILLED HOLE AND STITCH IT UP AND FUCK YOU IN THE ASS AGAIN"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF THE ENTIRE S&M SUBCULTURE

I LOVE INVENTING SADISM

>>328396
>>328394
they're both pretty good.

SO THERE I WAS BEING MACCHIAVELLI

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"DUDE NO MATTER WHAT YOU WRITE THE MEDICI STILL DON'T LIKE YOU"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A SATIRE ABOUT HOW PRINCES SHOULD BEHAVE?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU THE ROMAN REPUBLIC IS THE IDEAL GOVERNMENT"

BUT THEN I WROTE IT ANWAY AND THE MEDICI STILL DIDN'T LIKE ME

:(

SO THERE I WAS BEING BURROUGHS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ABOUT FUCKING LITTLE BOYS AND DOING HEROIN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU I'VE GOT JUNK SICKNESS"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A BOOK ABOUT MARRIAGE"

AND I LIKE

"GET REALLY DRUNK IN ANOTHER COUNTRY WHERE YOU'RE ALREADY EVADING THE LAW AND THEN SHOOT YOUR WIFE IN THE FACE TRYING TO ACT OUT WILLIAM TELL"

AND THEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER BITCH ANYMORE

I LOVE MY (EX)WIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING DANTE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT SOME LITTLE GIRL YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH, IT'S CREEPY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A SATIRE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT HELL AND FILLED IT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE I HATED FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER

AND I'M STILL A GENIUS

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE WAS BEING ROBERT E. HOWARD

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING STORIES ABOUT SAVAGES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT CHANGING YOUR LOOK, YOU LOOK LIKE AL CAPONE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"I WILL TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION"

THEN I KILLED MYSELF

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

>>328343
I just loled SOOO hard.

SO THERE I WAS BEING HITLER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

MEIN FUHRUR, YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT THE JEWS

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A HAPPY STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"KILLING THE JEWS IS A HAPPY STORY"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF WHITE SUPREMACISTS

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING BURGESS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT MADE UP DRUGS, UNDERAGE SEX, ILLOGICAL GANG ACTIVITY, AND GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES."

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"FINE BUT DONT EXPECT A MOVIE ADAPTATION"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF ELEVENTH GRADE HONORS ENGLISH STUDENTS WHO HAVE READ TWO BOOKS

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING NABOKOV

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS GETTING FUCKED"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU" (IN 3 LANGUAGES)

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A WAR NOVEL"

AND I WAS LIKE

"LOL NO"

THEN I BECAME THE HERO OF EDUCATED PEDOPHILES

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ROBERT JORDAN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO HURRY THIS SHIT UP BOB"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"YOU'RE IN AUTHOR HELL BOB, AND NOW YOU'LL HAVE EDITORS FOR ALL ETERNITY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WELL FUCK"

THEN I HAD TO STOP WRITING PAGE LONG DESCRIPTIONS ABOUT CLOTHES

I HATE THE AFTERLIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING CRICHTON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO LESS UNBELIEVABLE SCI FI"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT DINOSAURS AGAIN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I DIED OF CANCER

I LOVED MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PRATCHETT

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN PARODY THE LOW FANTASY GENRE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOME GOOD-HUMORED SOCIAL COMMENTARY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD IDEA"

THEN I FOUND OUT MY BRAIN IS GOING CRAZY

I MIGHT KILL MYSELF

>>328449
>>328459

:(

SO THERE I WAS BEING CARROLL

AND MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ABOUT SOME LOLI YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH WHILE YOU'RE ON DRUGS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK?"

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT MAKING A REALLY SHITTY MOVIE WHERE TIM BURTON RAPES THE ORIGINAL STORY LINE AND TURNS THE WHOLE THING INTO A HUGE FAGFEST WITH A SHITTY INDIE/EMO SOUNDTRACK?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK, THIS IS WORSE THEN WHEN MARILYN MANSON TRIED TO MAKE AN ALBUM ABOUT MY BOOK"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF ANNOYING GAWUF FAT GIRLS WHO SHOP AT HOT TOPIC AND ARE GOING TO CREAM THEMSELVES AT THIS NEW SHITTASTIC MOVIE"

I WISH I NEVER WROTE THAT SHIT

SO THERE I WAS BEING LEWIS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"SERIOUSLY, TOLKEIN DID THIS SO MUCH BETTER"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FREAK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT SATAN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"SOUNDS GOOD"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF MORMONS EVERYWHERE EVEN THOUGH I HATE THOSE GUYS

COME TO JESUS

SO THERE I WAS BEING GEORGE R. R. MARTIN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO HURRY AND FINISH THE FUCKING BOOK GEORGE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT NOT WORKING ON WILD CARDS RIGHT NOW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

THEN I WATCHED SOME FOOTBALL

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING STEPHEN KING

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE THE FIRST 3/4 OF EVERY BOOK AND MAKE UP THE ENDING THE DAY WE ASK FOR IT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"ACTUALLY EVERYONE PRETTY MUCH LIKES YOUR BOOKS ANYWAYS, GOOD JOB STEPHEN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I REALIZED THIS WAS ALL GETTING A LITTLE TOO INTENSE AND LAID OFF THE COCAINE

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BROWSING /a/

WHEN ANONYMOUS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"/lit/ IS USING THE KUBO TITE MEME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK THOSE NIGGERS."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT GOING OVER THERE AND SETTING THEM STRAIGHT?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK THAT."

THEN I DID IT ANYWAYS

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328444

>"KILLING THE JEWS IS A HAPPY STORY"

I must be a /b/tard for laughing at this the most out of these.

>>328490

I lol'd, too.

>>328237
love this

>>328467
>"FREAK YOU."

good lawd i LOL'd

SO THERE I WAS BEING LEONARD COHEN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"SUP COCO WE NEED YOU TO STOP WRITING ABOUT SEXUALITY AND MUSIC"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"NO SERIOUSLY QUIT BEING SO HANDSOME AND AWESOME HOW ARE YOU STILL GETTING ANY WHEN YOU'RE THIS OLD YOU'RE MAKING US EDITORS LOOK BAD"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND THEN I WAS A CANADIAN JEW

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING BORGES

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN.....

ACTUALLY I AM NOT SURE IF ANYONE CAME IN......

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PYNCHON

WHEN I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR, PUT ON A TOP HAT, AND TOLD MYSELF, "MYSTERY MAN YOU NEED TO GROW SOME BALLS AND TELL THE WORLD SCHIZOPHRENICS CAN WRITE LITERATURE TOO"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU BURNING BALL OF CREATIVE SUNSHINE, BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE IT WAS NIGHT AND THE SUN DIED WHEN THE STARS STOPPED FALLING WHICH WAS YESTERDAY AND THE DAY AFTER"

SO I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT TRYING PLOT AND COHERENCE THIS TIME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I ATE SOME ACID, WROTE A COUPLE UNDECIPHERABLE BIBLES AND LIVE IN COMPLETE OBSCURITY AND REVERENCE

I LOVE JAMES JOYCEE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ANNE RICE

AND MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING BOOKS ABOUT GAY VAMPIRES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A BOOK ABOUT A VAMPIRE WHO'S SO GAY HE SPARKLES IN THE SUNLIGHT, STILL GOES TO HIGH SCHOOL AFTER 107 YEARS, AND WANTS THE MOST BORING AVERAGE CLUMSY GIRL AT SCHOOL TO FUCK HIM IN THE ASS WITH A STRAP ON?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THE FUCK? THAT'S EVEN TOO FUCKING FAGTASTIC FOR ME"

THEN I PAVED THE WAY FOR OTHER AUTHORS TO WRITE ABOUT GAY VAMPIRES AND RAPE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF MYTHOLOGY"

I WISH I WAS DEAD

SO THERE I WAS BEING GOD

WHEN MY WORSHIPPERS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN CREATING EVERYTHING, TELL US WHAT TO DO"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING DOWN SOME RULES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I TROLL'D EVERYBODY FOREVER

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328510

gtfo

SO THERE I WAS BEING LAURENCE STERNE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO MOVE THIS FUCKING STORY ALONG. IT'S 300 PAGES AND HE ISN'T EVEN BORN YET."

AND I WAS LIKE

"GENTLE READER, FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT SKIPPING SOME DETAILS?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF AWESOME

ALAS, POOR YORICK!
██████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
██████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
██████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
██████████████████████████████

>>328510
lol

SO I WAS THERE BEING ASIMOV

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN USING STORIES TO DEMONSTRATE A COOL IDEA YOU HAD"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOME INTERESTING CHARACTERS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WROTE HUNDREDS OF TRIVIA BOOKS THAT NO ONE EVER READ

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328516
>>328510

samefag

>>328505
As annoying as her gay vampires were, I had no idea Twilight would come and top her.

SO THERE I WAS BROWSING /a/

WHEN ANONYMOUS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"/lit/ IS USING THE KUBO TITE MEME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT GOING OVER THERE AND SETTING THEM STRAIGHT?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

THEN I SAW THAT SOME FAG DID IT ANYWAYS

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ORSON SCOTT CARD

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT CHILDREN IN SPACE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FETCH YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOMETHING NOT ABOUT HOW YOU'RE SUPER-MORMON AND HATE GAYS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"JESUS JUDGES YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF AN ERA

BUT REALLY, JESUS JUDGES YOU

SO THERE I WAS BEING HEINLEIN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE SCI FI WHERE THE FUTURE ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU AN ARMED SOCIETY IS A POLITE SOCIETY"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HUH?"

AND THEN I SHOT THEM DEAD AND BECAME THE VOICE OF LIBERTARIANS EVERYWHERE

I LOVE GUNS

>>328518
nope i'm not, nice try.

SO THERE I WAS BEING R.A. SALVATORE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITING THIS MARY SUE BULLSHIT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

THEN I WROTE TWENTY MORE SHITTY BOOKS ABOUT DRIZZT

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328523
For realises.

>>328531

anything you can do we can do better

we can do anything better than you

SO THERE I WAS THOMAS HARDY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOUR STORIES ARE TOO REALISTIC. THEY MAKE PEOPLE DEPRESSED"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A HAPPY STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WROTE 'JUDE THE OBSCURE' AND MADE EVERYONE CRY.

I LOVE MY LIFE

>my face when no one's attempted shakespeare yet

SO THERE I WAS BEING DOUGLAS ADAMS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU CAN'T HAVE FIVE BOOKS IN A TRILOGY."

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT NOT KILLING OFF EVERYONE JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I DIED

AND THE GUY WHO WROTE ARTEMIS FOWL IS GOING TO CONTINUE THE STORY

SO THERE I WAS BEING EMILY DICKINSON--

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN;
AND WERE LIKE--

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT DYING AND BIRDS, LEAVE YOUR HOUSE SOMETIMES JEEZ"

AND I WAS LIKE!--

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE;

"HOW ABOUT WE DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST BECAUSE YOU WERE CRAZY AND HID ALL YOUR WRITINGS TIL AFTER YOU DIED"

AND I WAS LIKE!--

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF;
POOR PUNCTUATION--
BEING ARTISTIC!

I LOVE MY LIFE--

SO THERE I WAS BEING MARY SHELLEY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT BORING STORY IDEAS WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS LAME FRIENDS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A GROUNDBREAKING PIECE OF HORROR SCIENCE FICTION"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I DID IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I WAS BORED

SHORTLY AFTERWARD I CAME TO HATE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING MAX BROOKS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING OTHER THAN HOW TO SURVIVE Z-DAY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WHAT? ALL I HEARD WAS MMMMMNNNUUUUGH"

AND THERE WERE LIKE

"MMMMMMNNNNUUUUUGHBRAINS"

AND THEN I SHOT THEM IN THE HEAD

I LOVE MAKING ZOMBIE COOL AND MAINSTREAM AND SHIT

SO THERE I WAS BEING CAMUS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE THINGS WHERE STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WHY?"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A CRIME STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WHATS THE POINT?"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF ATHEISTS, COWARDS AND DEPRESSIVES

BUT IT DOESNT MATTER

SO THERE I WAS BEING LORD BYRON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT FUCKING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOME VERSES ON NATURE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME A GREEK NATIONAL HERO

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328552
SO THERE I WAS BEING SHAKESPEARE

WHEN TIME TRAVELLERS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU DIDN'T REALLY WRITE THIS DID YOU"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ANOTHER AWESOME PLAY FOR US THEN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING GIBSON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ABOUT DRUGS AND COMPUTER HACKERS AND SHIT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY ABOUT STEAMPUNK"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND THEN I CREATED CYBERPUNK AND BECAME THE VOICE OF NERDS AND GEEKS EVERYWHERE

I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH COMPUTERS

SO THERE I WAS BEING THOMAS PYNCHON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE HEFTY TOMES OF PROFOUND DISPARITY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A LIGHTER STORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"INHERENT VICE"

:(

SO THERE I WAS BEING HOMER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT THE TROJAN WAR"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT THE END OF THE WAR"

AND I PUT ON MY TROLLFACE AND SAID

"SURE, I'LL JUST WRITE ABOUT ODYSSEUS"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF NARRATIVE, FOREVER

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING YUKIO MISHIMA

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE BELIEVABLE CHARACTERS WHO AREN'T NIHILISTS."

AND I WAS LIKE

"FOOK YOU!"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT SUCKING FEWER DICKS?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FOOK YOU"

THEN I COMMITTED HARAKIRI

FOR THE EMPEROR!

>>328552

SO THERE I WAS BEING SHAKESPEARE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"TWELFTH NIGHT WAS AWESOME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"TO BE OR NOT TO BE."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WTF MAN YOU CAN'T HAVE IAMBIC PENTAMETER WITH A WEAK ENDING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"PEACE, HOLD THY TONGUES"

THEN I BECAME WILLIAM MOTHERFUCKING SHAKESPEARE

I LOVE PUNS

never change, /lit/

<3

SO THERE I WAS BEING NIKOLAI GOGOL

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE MORE. PEOPLE LIKE YOUR WORK"

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT TRAVELING A BIT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET INSPIRATION"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FINE!"

THEN I TRAVELED AROUND A EUROPE AND BECAME EVEN MORE FAMOUS. BUT MY RELIGIOUS FRIENDS MADE ME FEEL GUILTY, AND I BECAME ALL PIOUS AND SHIT AND BURNED MY ALL OF MY WORKS.

I HATE MY LIFE

>>328390
>>328503
This one is the truth: >>328584

SO THERE I WAS BEING PLATO

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT SOCRATES, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE GAY FOR HIM"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THAT'S OKAY NOW."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT AN IDEAL GOVERNMENT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I EVENTUALLY DIED AND NO ONE'S FOUND MY TOMB.

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE IS WAS BEING NASU KINOKO

BUT NO EDITORS CAME IN BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY

SO THEN I WROTE PAGE AFTER PAGE OF INANE SUPERNATURAL EXPLANATION AND STORIES WHICH HAVE ENTIRE DAYS TAKEN UP BY COOKING AND HAVING SEX WITH SOME GIRL WHO HAS A MAGICAL ADDICTION TO SEMEN.

AND THEN THE JAPANESE ALL BROUGHT IT

SO THERE I WAS BEING ANNE FRANK

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN BE A DEAD JEW"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT HAVING SOME ACTUAL LITERARY MERIT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN THEY MADE YOU READ MY BORING DIARY FOR SCHOOL ANYWAYS

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING MARK TWAIN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER, NO ONE CARES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A SOCIAL COMMENTARY THAT TAKES PLACE /ON/ THE RIVER?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

BUT THEN I DID JUST THAT
I ALSO GAVE A LOT OF SPEECHES FOR MONEY

YOU COULD'VE HIRED ME FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY PROBABLY

>>328620

So did the Americans... So did the Americans...

SO THERE I WAS BEING GOREY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'RE SCARING THE SHIT OF ALL OF THEM"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A BOOK WHERE ALL THE CHILDREN DON'T DIE IN GRUESOME WAYS?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"Z IS FOR ZILLAH WHO DRANK TOO MUCH GIN"

AND THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF SCARED CHILDREN ALCOHOLICS EVERYWHERE

I HATE KIDS

so there
i was
being
williams

when my editors
came in
and were
like

these poems
are fucking hard
to read with
so many breaks

so i talked
about chickens
and wheelbarrows
for a while

but they
persisted
and
insisted

i talked
about plums
and
flowers

and now
failed lovers
honor
my work

>>328640
Need to replace scared children with scared adults.

>>328629
>could have hired me for your birthday probably

I giggled.

SO THERE I WAS BEING CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE BETTER THAN SHAKESPEARE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"I KNOW."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING MORE STUFF?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU. I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT NOW."

THEN I GOT MYSELF KILLED IN FUCKING TAVERN WHILE DOING STUFF FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

MY LIFE SUCKED.

SO THERE I WAS BEING AMBROSE BIERCE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING SARCASTICALLY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. "

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WHAT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I DISAPPEARED IN MEXICO

I LOVE MY LIFE(?)

SO THERE I WAS BEING AMATEUR /lit/ WRITER

WHEN ANON CAME IN AND WERE LIKE:

"PLEASE LEARN SENTENCE AND PARAGRAPH STRUCTURE, SHOW DON'T TELL AND FOR GODS SAKE STOP WRITING ABOUT ZOMBIES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"constructive criticism only ploz :3"

SO THEY WERE LIKE:

"SAGE SAGE SAGE SAGE"

AND I WAS LIKE:

"lol you guys, ima totally talk about you in my creative writing class"

THEN I BECAME AN ACCOUNTANT BECAUSE I HAVE NO TALENT

I BLAME /lit/ FOR NOT SUPPORTING ME

SO THERE I WAS BEING TOLKIEN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"HI I'M YOUR SON AND BECAUSE YOU TOOK TOO DAMN TOO FINISH THIS SHIT I HAVE TO DO IT AFTER YOU'RE DEAD"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"OH YEAH? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU FINISH THE SILMARILLION THEN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WAS PROUD OF HIM EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T AS GOOD AS ME AT ALL

I LOVE MY SON

>>328666
thats kinda sweet actually

>>328240
Clever, clever

SO THERE I WAS BEING L RON HUBBARD

WHEN M EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"COULD YOU STOP BASHING PSYCHOLOGY IN YOUR PULP FICTION?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU - YOU'RE PART OF THE PSYCH CONSPIRACY"

AND THEN I REPORTED THEM TO THE FBI AS COMMIES

SO THEN I NEEDED MONEY AND SOMEONE MENTIONED THERE WAS MONEY TO BE MADE IN RELIGION

SO THERE I WAS BEING PATRICK O'BRIAN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"THIS SERIES HAS BEEN GOING FOR 25 YEARS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE"

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN IRISH YOUR REAL NAME IS RICHARD RUSS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU IF I DIE IN DUBLIN IT'LL MAKE ME IRISH"

BUT IT DIDN'T. I HATE BEING ENGLISH.

SO THERE I WAS BEING SHEL SILVERSTEIN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE WRITING CHILDREN'S POETRY AND LESS ILLUSTRATING CHILDREN'S POETRY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"NO, SERIOUSLY, YOUR POEMS ARE FINE BUT YOUR ILLUSTRATIONS ARE NIGHTMARE FUEL"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I CONTINUED TO TERRIFY CHILDREN

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328666
This actually made me smile

SO THERE I WAS BEING COLLINS

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE ANOTHER CRIME NOVEL, MOONSTONE WAS AWESOME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WOAHHHHH I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING, IT HURTS, IT HURTS."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"DUDE LAY OFF THE LAUDANUM, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU"

AND I WAS LIKE

"I NEED IT FOR...UH...RESEARCH ON MY CHARACTERS...WAIT WHAT?"

NOW NO ONE KNOWS I ORIGINATED THE ENGLISH DETECTIVE NOVEL

FUCK YOU DOYLE

goddamn /lit/. You suck most of the time, but when you're on, you're on.

>>328160
Kafka had like one editor. He liked Kafka's stories about as much as I do (Kafka's my favorite author)...

SO THERE I WAS BEING STOKER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN HAVING YOUR CHARACTERS WRITE LETTERS TO EACH OTHER"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY ABOUT VAMPIRES SO THAT A CENTURY FROM NOW NO-TALENT WOMEN WRITERS WILL RUIN LITERATURE FOR GENERATIONS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE INSPIRATION FOR THE WORST GENRE EVER

I REGRET EVERYTHING

SO THERE I WAS BEING KESEY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE STORIES ABOUT THE LOONIE BINS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FAW!"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WE'RE SCHEDULING ANOTHER TREATMENT FOR YOU"

AND I WAS LIKE

"YEH!"

THEN I BROKE A WINDOW WITH A WATER FOUNTAIN

I LOVE THE FOREST

>>328270

murakami is subtle

SO THERE I WAS BEING GAIMAN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"IS IT PRONOUNCED *GUY-MEN* OR *GAY-MEN*

AND I WAS LIKE

"IT'S *GAY-MEN*"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"GIRUGAMESH?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"LOL YOU JUST LOST THE GAME"

I LOVE BANGING AMANDA PALMER

>>328696
lol
oh boy
:')

SO THERE I WAS BEING PHILIP K. DICK

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT SCIENCE FICTION AND YOUR CRAZY ASS PHILOSOPHY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY THAT ISN'T SCHIZOPHRENIC"

AND THEN I NOTICED HIS ROBOTIC ARM, ARTIFICIAL EYES AND STEEL TEETH...

The EE Cummings one was genuinely brilliant.

Nice touches on lots, e.g. Burroughs ("I LOVE MY (EX)WIFE") and CS Lewis ("FREAK YOU.").

Also, /lit/, it's had been years since I had saved a 4chan thread to my hard drive. I've saved three since you started up.

I LOVE MY /LIT/.

SO THERE I WAS BEING TRUMAN CAPOTE

WHEN M EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"HEY SOME FAMILY GOT MURDERED."

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YEAH'

SO THEN THEY WERE LIKE

"DUDE YOU SEEM A LITTLE GAY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"NO SHIT WHAT GAVE IT AWAY?"

THEN I WENT AND EMBARRASSED MYSELF FOR 20 YEARS.

SO THERE I WAS BEING LOPE DE VEGA

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WOMANIZING. IT REFLECTS POORLY ON YOUR WORK AND REPUTATION"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WELL HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE MORE NOVELS AT LEAST? YOU WRITE TOO MANY SONNETS AND PLAYS."

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I CREATED THE LARGEST BODY OF WORK IN THE SPANISH LANGUAGE. EVEN CERVANTES WAS ENVIOUS OF ME.

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING FLANNERY O'CONNOR

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITE ABOUT MORALLY FLAWED CHRISTIAN CHARACTERS THROUGH THE USE OF SUBTLE ALLEGORY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY WHERE PROTESTANTS DON'T UNDERGO TRANSFORMATIONS OF CHARACTER THAT BRING THEM CLOSER TO CATHOLOCISM"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

BUT THEN I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF PEACOCKS AND DIED OF LUPUS

I LOVED MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ELLISON

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE DARKIE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"GENTLEMEN, THIS IS EXACTLY MY POINT..."

SO THERE I WAS BEING MELVILLE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT THE TECHNICALITIES OF WHALING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT YOUR CHARACTERS OR PLOT INSTEAD OF ABOUT RIGGING"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I MADE SURE EVERYONE WHO READS MY BOOKS CAN BE A GOOD SAILOR

I LOVE WHALING

WHILE BEING BASHO
MY EDITORS CAME TO ME
ENDLESS COMPLAINING

FUCK YOU, I SAID,
LIKE WINTER SNOW ON FUJI.
HOW I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING FEYNMAN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL IT IS TO BE A SUPER SCIENTIST"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOME MORE TECHNICAL TALES OF QUANTUM MECHANICS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE FACE OF RELATABLE PHYSICISTS EVERYWHERE

I LOVE FUCKING WITH PEOPLE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PATRICK MCGRATH

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN INSANITY AND DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY THAT'S NOT SET IN VICTORIAN TIMES?"

AND THEN I WROTE TRAUMA AND IT WAS THE WORST BOOK I EVER WROTE

I LOVE STEAMPUNK

>>328743
uh, wow
just wow

SO THERE I WAS BEING KAFUKA-CHAN

WHEN MY EDITORS-CHAN CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU'RE REALLY KAWAII KAFUKA-CHAN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCKU YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HIDOII KAFUKA-CHAN WHY AREN'T YOU SUGOI ANYMORE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"GOMEN NASAII EDITOR-CHAAAN!"

AND THEN AWKWARD TEENAGERS CREATED GIANT CONVENTIONS JUST TO HONOR ME

>>328721
*warm and fuzzy on the inside*

>>328751

SO THERE I WAS BEING CHRISTOPHER MOORE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING SUPERNATURAL IN IT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WHY DON'T YOU WRITE SOMETHING THAT'S NOT A LOVE STORY AT THE SAME TIME?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

THEN I WROTE ANOTHER BOOK ABOUT VAMPIRES IN SAN FRANCISCO

I LOVE HAWAIIAN SHIRTS

SO THERE I WAS BEING PETER SHAFFER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP PUSHING YOUR FEELINGS OF SEXUAL INADEQUACY ONTO HORSES"

I AND WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A TALE ABOUT NORMAL, MENTALLY BALANCED PEOPLE?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE FACE FOR BESTIALITY

I FUCKING LOVE HORSES

SO THERE I WAS BEIN-HOLY FUCK, KAFKA IS CHRISTOPHER FROM THE SOPRANOS

SO THERE I WAS BEING KIERKEGAARD

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT HOW GREAT CHRISTIANITY IS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THE RELATION OF THE SELF TO ITSELF IS THE RELATING THE SELF TO ITSELF, IN THE THIRD SENSE A NEGATIVE RELATION NEGATING RELATION BETWEEN THE SELF AND THE SELF. THIS IS NOT THE SELF"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WAIT, /ARE/ YOU WRITING ABOUT CHRISTIANITY?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF EXISTENTIALISM FOR A WHILE

I LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR OF GOD

SO THERE I WAS BEING ROBERT JORDAN

WHEN MY HEART WAS LIKE

"HOLY SHIT DUDE STOP"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK Y- HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG"

THEN THE WORMS WERE LIKE

"SHIT DUDE TASTY"

AND I DIDN'T SAY SHIT BECAUSE I WAS DEAD

THEN A FAN WROTE ABOUT IT ON /lit/ AND FELT BAD ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS AND KILLED HIMSELF.

I HATE(d) MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING THE FRESH PRINCE

WHEN I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT AND MY EDITORS GOT SCARED

"YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTY AND YOUR UNCLE IN BEL AIR"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WAIT, WHAT?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"I LIKE IT HERE, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE, WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET RID OF ME?"

SO I STAYED IN WEST PHILADELPHIA
WHERE I ROSE TO THE RANK OF DUKE

>>328770
I actually lol'd.

SO THERE I WAS BEING /LIT/

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING EPIC THREADS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT MORE AYN RAND TOPICS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WAS THE BEST BOARD AROUND

I LOVE MY AUTHORS

SO THERE I WAS BEING DR SUESS

WHEN MY EDITOR CAME IN WHO WAS A TWO HEADED THNOOSE

HE SAID "YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RYHME, YOU'RE WASTING EVERYONES TIME

BY MAKING UP WORDS LIKE BABLOOSE"

SO I WAS LIKE "NO, MY MADE UP WORDS WON'T GO, SO FUCK YOU AND HOPPITY-HOOSE"

I LOVE NOT MAKING SENSEAPOOLSE

>>328785
lol i'm glad. i have to read sickness unto death by wednesday and i want to double-kill him right now. wtf man, you can't use the same word four times in the same sentence as every part of speech!

So there I was. Being. I was being Jack Kerouac.

My editors ambulated in my general direction, and brought with them a way of being.

"You need to go on an adventure," they shouted.

"Fuck you," was muttered under someone's breath.

"You need to inspire a generation that will completely misunderstand everything you do and say by being sissies," they insisted.

"Fuck you," I said. "I've had enough of your shit!"

So I continued to be, and though dead, I still am.

SO THERE I WAS BEING GEORGE R. R. MARTIN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO HURRY AND FINISH THE SERIES BEFORE YOU DIE OF A HEART ATTACK GEORGE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT NOT BLOGGING ABOUT FOOTBALL AND EATING CHEESBURGERS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

THEN I WATCHED SOME FOOTBALL

I LOVE M-HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

>>328794
I had to read it earlier in the year for a class. It's fucking ridiculous, he just opens with this, "SELF RELATES TO ITSELF AND SPIRIT SELF SPIRIT RELATESELF." Fuck that.

Once I had some idea what he was talking about, I really enjoyed it, though.

SO THERE I WAS BEING CHRISTINE DE PISAN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING OTHER THAN LOVE BALLADS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"JEAN DE MEUN IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WELL, FUCK!"

THEN I WROTE A BUNCH OF PROTOFEMINIST LITERATURE, TROLLING ALL THE MISOGYNISTS. AND ALL THE MOST POWERFUL WOMEN IN EUROPE BOUGHT MY WORKS.

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>328803
yeah i really like kierkegaard, he's just driving me crazy right now. yay philosophy! yay /lit/ for distracting me from reading!

SO THERE I WAS BEING SARTRE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE MAKE FEEL NAUSEOUS AND GOD DOESN'T EXIST, YOU ONLY FEEL SICK BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LAZY EYE"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU, I CAN'T TELL HOW FAR YOU ARE FROM ME"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A STORY WERE YOU'RE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS BY AN IMAGINARY FRIEND IN THE SKY, THAT INVOLVES DEPTH PERCEPTION?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND I BECAME THE VOICE OF EXISTENTIALISTS AND MADE PEOPLE STOP BELIEVING IN GOD

I LOVE FEELING ILL

>>328809
>"FUCK YOU, I CAN'T TELL HOW FAR YOU ARE FROM ME"

lmao

SO THERE I WAS BEING JIM BUTCHER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO NOT MAKE THE DRESDEN CHARACTER SO AWESOME"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT NO MORE ZOMBIE T-REX LIKE MOMENTS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

THEN I WROTE SOME TRUE FANTASY LIKE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

I LOVE MY LIFE

>ctrl+F
>David Foster Wallace
>phrase not found

OK, what the fuck.

>>328817
Then make one.

SO THERE I WAS BEING JHONEN VASQUEZ

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED SO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN A PSUEDO-INTELLECTUAL COMIC ABOUT A SERIAL KILLER"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING A CHILDREN'S SHOW FOR NICKELODEON?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"THAT'S THE WORST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD, BUT I NEED THE MONEY"

NOW I'M THE VOICE OF ANNOYING FAT 13 GAUWFF KIDS WHO SHOP AT HOT TOPIC"

I HATE ALL MY FANS

>>328391

wow. how about a fucking spoiler alert you nigger

>>328825

Harry Potter dies.

SO THERE I WAS BEING HUBERT SELBY JR AND MY EDITOR WAS LIKE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO USE PARAGRAPH BREAKS OR MAYBE SOME SORT OF BASIC PUNCTUATION BECAUSE IT MAKES THIS BOOK PRACTICALLY UNREADABLE AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YOU. THEN THEY MADE ONE OF MY BOOKS INTO A MOVIE SO I STILL HATE APOSTROPHES.

SO THERE I WAS BEING JT LEROY

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE LITTLE BOYS DRESSING UP AS GIRLS AND THEN GETTING RAPED"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"I WILL IF YOU TUCK YOUR DICK BACK BETWEEN YOUR LEGS INSIDE THESE PANTIES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"WILL YOU TELL ME I'M PRETTY?'

WHEN I LOOK AT MY NAKED BODY IN THE MIRROR MY MALE PARTS MAKE ME SICK

SO THERE I WAS BEING DAN BROWN

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES AND WORD PUZZLES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING ABOUT HOW CHRISTIANITY IS A CONSPIRACY? YOU LIKE CONSPIRACIES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME RICHER THAN A LEGALLY RETARDED PERSON SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE

I LOVE WORD PUZZLES

>>328820
as if zim wasn't the best, and last best thing to come out of nick

>>328825

SO THERE I WAS BEING PRATCHETT

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PRATCHETT

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

SO THERE I WAS BEING PRATCHETT

>>328835
yeah, but that's to be expected. actually everything by vasquez is around the same level of not-quite-to-be-taken-seriously dark humour fluff, so it's all good, imo.

>>328840
i lol'd and i really shouldn't have.

>>328834
I thought Lost Symbol made it painfully obvious that he doesn't have any editors

>>328843
>implying i read anything written by him beyond the da vinci code

SO 'DERE I WOSS BEIN' IRVINE WELSH

'EN MY EDITORS, DEY CUNT, COMES IN 'EN IS LIKE

"YOU NEE' TO STOP WRITIN' PHONETICALLY IN DIS' COCKNEY BOLLOCKS"

'EN I WOSS LIKE

"FOOK YA, YA CUNT"

SO 'DEY WOSS LIKE

"FO' REALISES, NAHONE CAN UNDERSTAND A BIT A 'DIS BOLLOCKS"

'EN I WOSS LIKE

"YER' A FOOKIN' CUNT IMMA TRYIN' TO SHOOT UP 'ERE"

'EN I BECAME 'DE 'ARD TO READ VOICE OF 'VEREONE WHO WATCHED TRAINSPOTTING

I HATE 'DA ENGLISH LANGUAGE

>>328841
>>328835
No shit it was. I love Invader Zim. I'm just poking fun. U MAD?

>>328849
>Cockney

>>328854
no bro we cool, we understand each other

>>328751
Loled and saved hard.

>>328859
lol

SO THERE I WAS BEING FREUD

AND MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP LINKING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING TO SEX"

SO I WAS LIKE

"SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER"

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"I FUCKE- ER, LOVED HER A LOT"

AND I WAS LIKE

"HMM. SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DREAMS."

AND I BECAME THE VOICE OF PERVERTED PSYCHOLOGISTS EVERYWHERE

I LOVE FUCKING MY MOTHER

>>328324
>>328324
>>328324
>>328324
>>328324
>>328324
>>328324


SO MUCH TRUTH.

SO THERE I WAS BEING SPENSER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO WRITE THE NATIONAL EPIC POEM OF ENGLAND"

AND I WAS LIKE

"IT WOULD BE AN HONOR TO SERVE MY QUEEN AND COUNTRY IN THIS WAY."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WE WANT 12 BOOKS OF APPROXIMATELY 80 SONNETS EACH, AND WE WANT IT DONE BY NEXT WEDNESDAY"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

BUT I STARTED WRITING IT ANYWAY, BUT IT WAS ONLY HALF FINISHED WHEN I DIED

I FAILED YOU, ELIZABETH

>>328892
>I FAILED YOU, ELIZABETH

this made me lol uncontrollably for some reason.

Stephenie Meyer does not deserve to pass as even a DECENT writer.

She's an insult to everything on the planet.

>>328895
thanks, i was wondering if anyone would get it

SO THERE I WAS BEING MANSON

AND MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOUR MUSIC SUCKS BUT WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY"

SO I DID A FAT RAIL OF BLOW AND WROTE

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"NINETY PERCENT OF THIS BOOK IS MADE UP"

AND I WAS LIKE

"LOL SO? GAWUFF CHICKS WHO SHOP AT HOT TOPIC WILL BUY ANYTHING"

AND I BECAME THE VOICE OF EXPLOITIVE CAPITALISM

I LOVE MAKING MONEY

SO THERE I WAS BEING QUENTIN TARANTINO

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO HAVE LESS PLOT HOLES IN YOUR SCREENPLAYS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"COULD YOU AT LEAST CAST A SEXY AUSTRIAN AND MAKE IT MORE BEARABLE?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YES"

NOW HE'S NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR THANKS TO ME

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING STEPHENIE MEYER

WHEN MY 'EDITORS' CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO ADD A PLOT TO THIS BOOK"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT CREATING THREE-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTERS WITH PERSONALITIES?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

NOW I MY WET DREAM HAS BEEN PROJECTED ONTO 13 YEAR-OLDS

I LOVE BEING A STUPID CUNT

>>328934
>NOW I MY WET DREAM HAS BEEN PROJECTED ONTO 13 YEAR-OLDS
>NOW I MY WET DREAM HAS BEEN

Just fucking with you though; funny.

SO THERE I WAS BEING CLIVE BARKER

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"CAN YOUR HORROR HAVE A LITTLE LESS GAY SEX IN IT?"

SO I WROTE WEAVEWORLD

AND THEY WERE LIKE

"OH GOD I'D RATHER HAVE PINHEAD FUCK ME IN THE ASS THEN READ THIS BOOK AGAIN"

SO I OPENED PANDORA'S BOX

I LOVE GAY S&M MONSTERS

SO THERE I WAS BEING YAMAMOTO TSUNETOMO

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP OBSESSING OVER DEATH AND THE GROWING USELESSNESS OF THE SAMURAI AS A CLASS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"COMMON SENSE WILL NOT ACCOMPLISH GREAT THINGS, SIMPLY BECOME INSANE AND DESPERATE"

THEN I BECAME A MONK AND CONTINUED OBSESSING OVER DEATH AND THE GROWING USELESSNESS OF THE SAMURAI AS A CLASS

>>328937

Yeah, I noticed that after I posted.DX My bad.

>>328849
ROFL-i love you

>>328956
Despite the confusion between cockney and scottish?

>>328964
who cares, it'l still funny

SO THERE I WAS BEING NIEZCHE

AND MY EDITORS WERE LIKE

"QUIT WRITING BOOKS ABOUT SHIT NO ONE CARES ABOUT"

THEN I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN THEY WERE ALL

"YOU'RE JUST VENTING YOUR FEELINGS OF INADEQUACIES AND HATRED OF MAN KIND, THINLY VEILED AS PSEUDOINTELLECTUAL HOGWASH"

THEN I SAID

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I WROTE MORE BULLSHIT, AND PSEUDOINTELLECTUAL PHILOSOPHY MAJORS EVERYWHERE RIDE MY LITERARY DICK

I WAS CRAZY

>>328971
>niezche

SO THERE I WAS BEING NIETZSCHE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP CONTRADICTING YOURSELF BY WRITING ABOUT NIHILISM AND THEN CREATING THE SUPERMAN"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT ACCEPTING JESUS"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE VOICE OF EVERY ANGSTY TEEN WHO QUOTES ME WITHOUT READING MY BOOKS

I LOVE GAZING INTO THE ABYSS

image limit reached. Someone make a new thread

SO THERE I WAS BEING OSAMU DAZAI

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN WRITING ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF"

AND I WAS LIKE

"I'M IN DESPAIR."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT GOING UP NORTH AND WRITING ABOUT YOUR WACKY ADVENTURES?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU BUT I NEED BOOZE MONEY"

THEN I WROTE ABOUT KILLING MYSELF SOME MORE

I HATE MY LIFE

BRB GOING ON A RIVERSIDE WALK WITH MY GF

SO THERE I WAS BEING >>328971

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO DO MORE THAN TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU'VE NEVER READ"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"HOW ABOUT WRITING SOMETHING GOOD"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU"

THEN I BECAME THE SUBJECT OF A PARODY

I LOVE MY LIFE

SO THERE I WAS BEING ANONYMOUS ON 4CHAN

AND THEN THIS STUPID THREAD APPEARS, AND IM LIKE FUCK SAGE

>I LOVE GAZING INTO THE ABYSS

lol lol lol

>>329000

NEW THREAD

SO THERE I WAS BEING SHAKESPEARE

WHEN MY EDITORS CAME IN AND WERE LIKE

"YOU NEED TO STOP STEALING OTHER PEOPLES STORIES"

AND I WAS LIKE

"FUCK YOU."

SO THEY WERE LIKE

"WHAT DID YOU ACTUALLY CONTRIBUTE TO THE LITERARY WORLD?"

AND I WAS LIKE

"I MADE UP THE WORD ASSASINATION"

THEN I BECAME THE MOST FAMOUS WRITER THAT HAS EVER LIVED

I LOVE MY LIFE

>>329003
A severed head.

>>329005
A baby, dead.

>>328571
oh god lol'd

>>329008
a thread, read

>>329029
well said

>>329029
To a new one, I've fled.

>>329000

>>329039
also, I give great head... (or should that be on another board?)

>>329045
This one is dead.

It was overfed.

>>329052
i eat a lot of bread