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  • File : 1266802832.jpg-(573 KB, 1280x720, 01324_newyorkcitybypaulobarcellosjr_1280(...).jpg)
    573 KB Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:40 No.320678  
    i wrote a you a story /lit/.
    will you please read it?
    Since the twentieth century, technology has been advancing at an incredible rate. The telegraph granted a nearly immediate form of communication, eliminating the time-consuming need of messengers. Radio signals improved on the communication aspect, and the television virtually perfected it, giving it a more “natural” interaction, in the sense that it felt more personal seeing the actual person. However, the invention and advancement of the Internet should be attributed to most of modern society’s accomplishments; a limitless supply of information at ones fingertips.
    With so much information being exchanged by scientists and universities, our understanding of almost everything increased exponentially, and by May 13th, 2201 synthetic organisms became the norm. The technology available made it nigh impossible for the naked eye to differentiate between living and synthesized life-forms. Granted, the technological perfections ran off a 100% energy efficient power source, and did not require food or water. This made them ideal for dangerous or otherwise uninteresting jobs.
    Unfortunately, with the ever advancing technological feats of man, humanity became more and more detached from their very essence. Instead of technology “relying” on people, it was vice-versa. People found it increasingly difficult to function without a device of some sort in their hands. The majority of people became virtually emotionless.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:41 No.320686
    It’s now 2317, and as I record this video, my mind is a beehive of emotions. Rage and love, fear and excitement are giving me a feeling of transitory divinity. It’s as if I’m being born again, with the added effect of awareness. Humans are the most advanced of all creatures when it comes to emotions, and all emotions, “pleasant” and “unpleasant” alike, are what makes us, us.
    This emotional experience(or “phenomenon”, as some would refer to it as), stems from a message I received late at night about a week ago. My doorbell chimed, but before I could open it, the deliverer had already vanished. I looked down and saw the letter, weighted down by a small rock. I immediately recognized the name as belonging to the maintenance man from work. I opened the letter, unable to prepare myself for its contents.
    It was written with sincere brevity, and had a sense of urgency about it. He said he had been suspicious of many of his superiors for a long time, and now they were trying to capture him after he uncovered an ominous secret, which dates back to the year 2147. He briefly explained how the government had been manipulating us through our everyday technologies. He then wrote the coordinates of the place he wished for me to meet him at. I was bewildered, but highly intrigued.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:42 No.320693
    After typing the coordinates into my GPS, I learned it was only a few hundred yards away, and no houses were near. I decided to give the man a chance, but I still brought one of my kitchen knives with me.
    I found the man, right where he said he would be, sitting propped against a tree. I hid the knife in my back pocket, and made my presence known. He fell backwards, in an attempt to shuffle away, but then apparently recognized me and relaxed. He stood up, and began filling in the holes left by the letter.
    “In 2147, the worlds largest computer maker was “bought out” by the acting government at the time. With the government being in charge of the development and distribution of every “essential” device of the twenty-second century, they saw the potential this posed. They began implementing their years worth of research into brain wave manipulation, with a very strong emphasis on emotion control. They implanted the device used for doing so in the power source of every one of their products. If it was ever tampered with, the device would disintegrate and render the product ineffective.”
    I tried to ask how he could have possibly known this, but he continued at a pace similar to that of a person who is trying to say something before they have to inhale again.
    “Their first attempt was to convince the citizens that technological competition against the government was counterproductive. Needless to say, they succeeded, and consequentially, they became the only provider of technological devices.”
    At this point, the man was acting pretty weirdly, pulling on his hair, pacing back in forth. It was as if he was trying to convince himself, rather than me, that his accusations were true.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:42 No.320696
    holy shit, exposition face punch.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:43 No.320698
    “They’re tracking me down, I don’t know how since I’ve not used any of their technology for several days, but they are. You were the only person I knew in this area, and I’m sorry I drug you into this. But you have to understand this is bigger than either of us.”
    He then reached into his pocket, which made me grasp the handle of my knife. However, he drew not a weapon, but a small, box-like device. Definitely not a typical, government issued device, and therefore illegal.
    “This is a video recorder. I made it myself, so as to not affect me in anyway. It’s programmed to upload the video to the worldwide channel reserved for emergencies.”
    He went on to explain how to use it. I was to press the red button to begin recording, and the green button to upload. The interface was simple enough to use, but I was baffled that a maintenance worker was able to make something so complex. Especially since he was supposedly on the run. He reached it to me, and I placed it the pocket of my jacket. I looked up and my heart skipped a beat as I saw the expression frozen on his face: horror.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:44 No.320702
    I turned around to see two dark vans riding towards us, their headlights turned off. Before I could turn back he grabbed the knife from my back pocket. I was terrified, but the man only turned me around, gently, and said “You have to explain everything I’ve told you to the world.” He reached me what appeared to be a diagram, very professionally made. “This is all the proof you need to convince most people. It’s instructions on how to access a smaller version of the manipulating device from a standard digital watch. Show this during the video.”
    Before I could say anything, he ran the knife through his chest where the heart is located. However, instead of a scream and blood, as I had anticipated, he smiled as a few sparks emitted from his wound. He fell to the ground and lied there, motionless, as all people do, living and synthetic, when they die.
    I ran, faster than I knew I could, until I collapsed just after crossing a stream below a hillock. I jerked my head around, surveying the vast expanse of the woods, but I found nothing. I presumed they didn’t know I was with the synthetic being before it destroyed itself, but, nevertheless, I didn’t return home.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:44 No.320711
    They must have accessed its memory database and learned of our encounter, because they’re after me now as well. However, I found an old shed with a surprisingly sturdy door. I can hear them searching all the houses right now, but I’m confident I’ll finish this video in time.
    You’ll begin to notice the effects of complete emotional freedom immediately. Without a mechanical medium, love and happiness are augmented, and fear and rage, though powerful, are not as horrible as the government leads us to believe and feel. Without every emotion, we lack the full experience of being human. It’s sad that a synthetic being experienced emotional freedom, and as a result, lived more like a human than most people have for nearly two-hundred years.
    As I finished the video, I heard several men moving around outside. I pressed the small green button just in time to see the door kicked down in front of me, then a flash of light, then nothingness.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:45 No.320713
    >>320696
    you don't like it?
    >> !!OA3Ez8znB2g 02/21/10(Sun)20:48 No.320734
    >>320713
    tl-dr
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:50 No.320745
    I read the first paragraph, at least.

    Have you considered showing, not telling? This isn't exactly gripping stuff.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:52 No.320755
    >>320734
    well fuck you then
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:54 No.320765
    >>320745
    just needed a 1000 word story, about anything at all. i felt that would ease the reader into the story.
    >> !!OA3Ez8znB2g 02/21/10(Sun)20:56 No.320780
    >>320755
    well, that, and the spelling mistakes
    >> ForcedMeme !IsAMEmE6C2 02/21/10(Sun)20:56 No.320781
    >>320765
    See if you can find a way to provide just enough background, without giving a history lesson to start things off. It's okay for the reader not to know everything about your world, just because you know it--especially in a short story. The way you have it, it's like you took lessons from George Lucas.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:56 No.320787
    >>320780
    such as?
    >> !!OA3Ez8znB2g 02/21/10(Sun)20:57 No.320790
    >>320787
    if you cant see that, maybe you shouldn't be writing in the first place ?
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:57 No.320792
    >>320781
    that's the help i'm looking for, thank you.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:57 No.320794
    >>320678
    I'd cut out the whole first paragraph. It seems unnecessary.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:59 No.320798
    >>320790
    no desire to become a professional writer. see >>320765 also, office showed no typos, so i wasn't too concerned yet. rough draft and all
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)20:59 No.320800
    >>320678
    no
    >> Prole !XDERDXUpqQ 02/21/10(Sun)21:00 No.320803
    If you want to get more viewing of this, you can send it /lit/'s zine. I'm one of our 4 editors, and we intend to release it on the 13th of the next month

    zinewritersguild@gmail.com

    No page limit, no discrimination by genre
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:00 No.320804
    OP, you're misusing the word "reached"
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:00 No.320808
    >>320713
    I can't read anything that starts off like the narration of a bad 80's sci-fi film. Sorry. I know that's not real criticism, but to start off with essentially a summary of your world is not optimal.
    You need to know this summary, and then introduce it organically through the narrative.
    Sorry.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:01 No.320822
    >>320804
    your*
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:02 No.320828
    >>320822
    hhahahahhaha no.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:02 No.320831
    >>320822
    Don't edit my posts, please.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:05 No.320845
    Yeah, this sucks. What gives?
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:06 No.320852
    >>320804
    my god man, what would be the correct form?
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:07 No.320867
    >>320852
    >He reached it to me, and I placed it the pocket of my jacket

    Not this one.

    Let me learn you the proper method of verbs.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:07 No.320868
    well, lets just say that the very first sentence is a lie and i stopped reading there.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:08 No.320873
    >>320867
    >Let me learn you the proper method of verbs.

    god i winced so hard untill i realised you were trolling
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:08 No.320875
    >>320852
    You seem to be using "reached" when you want to say "handed" or "gave."

    Like, you say "He reached me what appeared to be a diagram, very professionally made."

    Reached makes no sense in that context. There are several words that would work there, such as handed or gave.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:09 No.320882
    >>320873
    seewhatididthere.jpg
    >> Anonymous of College Park,MD 02/21/10(Sun)21:10 No.320886
    >>320678
    >>320686
    >>320693
    >>320698
    >>320702
    >>320711

    Too long; read anyway. I was just go ahead with the main situation first then fill in the details during the storyline.

    >>320803
    /lit/ has a zine? Oh, I'm interested in seeing the final product.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:10 No.320887
    >>320803
    Honestly if this is the shit that might be in it, then I wouldn't read it. Why have an editor if anything can be in it? Pick the good stuff.
    >> Anonymous 02/21/10(Sun)21:12 No.320897
    It’s now 2317, my name is Frasier, and as I record this video, my mind is a beehive of tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
    >> Anonymous of College Park,MD 02/21/10(Sun)21:12 No.320905
    >>320886
    *I would advise you to just go ahead with the main situation first then fill in the details during the storyline.

    (I just type too fast for my own good.)



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