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statistics say it sucks

stopped at the end of the first paragraph. found it mediocre. two colons next to each other, your third comma was misused, the thing I found most interested was whether the flamingos would fall over from all that teetering.

there wasn't a single interest image, sentence or thought there.

so

yeah.

I love your writing voice. I've just reached

...it’ll finally happen.”

4 It Happened Because of a Cat

and was instantly reminded of Joseph Heller.?

I hope there is going to be some conflict coming or my media destroyed attention span is going to cause me to lose interest. But so far so good. I'll let you know my opinion when I've finished/read more.

>>2235425

I only read the first two paragraphs because I don't feel like reading a whole novella so I'll criticize them.

The stereotypical suburban imagery was predictable and boring and just seemed like it was extracted from a Hollywood movie also the second paragraph drags out a bit to much.

But I praise the narrative, especially the movement of it, the actual prose has potential.

>>2235436
You could say the same thing about /lit/ in general.
>>2235445
Alrighty. How is it my comma was misused?
>>2235447
Heller, how so? I've only read Catch-22 and loved it, and I don't remember anything about a cat. There's definitely conflict coming, whether its gripping or not remains to be seen, I guess.
>>2235462
Fair enough. Useful input is useful, so thanks.

*It's
Or oop, did you mean the style reminded you of him? If so, I definitely think Catch-22 had an influence on me.

Also, anyone having trouble posting should clear their cookies, I just had that annoying error message.

I thought it was pretty decent from what i read. liked the part:

"Ben’s Grandfather, whom he’d never met, had the ability to teleport away forever but could only use his power once. He’d decided to use it the year before Ben was born."

makes me think of vonnegutt a bit.

Also keep in mind that most of the people criticizing you havent' written a thing worth sharing in their lives, and the ones who have are too scared to put it out there. so you're already one up on most of /lit/.

here is the best advice you're going to get. cut the first two paragraphs entirely or place them somewhere else. it would start so much better if the first line was "Everyone in Ben's house had a special power." instead of some description shit that bores everyone away from it

>>2235498
Hm, my influences are pretty transparent. Not sure if that's good or bad. But yeah, Vonnegut was a main influence while I was writing this.

Probably true, but I don't want to use excuses to ignore criticism, the complaints have been valid so far.

>>2235498
>Also keep in mind that most of the people criticizing you havent' written a thing worth sharing in their lives, and the ones who have are too scared to put it out there. so you're already one up on most of /lit/.

This. /lit/ is a cruel and narrow minded sneer of angry elitists who will criticize and suck the joy out of anything half decent.

>>2235498
>Also keep in mind that most of the people criticizing you havent' written a thing worth sharing in their lives
>assuming assumptions

don't make up shit so the kid will feel better about having someone not like his work.

>>2235511
sneer isn't a collective noun. and maybe /lit/ just has a higher standard for decent than you?

>>2235511

this post mostly sucks and is untrue but i really like the notion of "a sneer of elitists" being like "a murder of crows"

>>2235511
That is the stupidest argument I hear in these types of discussions. "Yeah, well let's see you do better!" I don't have to do better. You should be fucking grateful someone took time out of their day to give you their opinion when you asked for it. All criticism can only help you grow, you defensive, childish faggots.

>>2235542
I believe everyone will be in agreement with this, and as of now it is officially the proper word.

>>2235566

double doubles cements this philosophy
feel-good homos should get the fuck out of /lit/ before i provide the deep dicking you're so desperately searching for

faggot

>>2235511
>>2235539
>>2235542
>>2235566
>>2235568
>>2235588

Op here. I freely welcome any and all criticism or comment, so hopefully that simmers this down. Probably not.

Having tried to write some stuff myself, I will say that it is infinitely more painful for no one to read the work/care enough to provide a response than it is to receive a single response saying the work is shit.

I'm not going to read your work.

>>2235597
>im an attention whore
>therefore everyone is

lol

>>2235600
>post a comment
>don't want people to read it.
>not seeking attention
>didn't even sage

>>2235597
Why, what did I do?

I skimmed through it. At times it seemed like you were crafting a scene without envisioning it, and at other times it seemed like you had too many ideas to create a coherent narrative so you just chopped them up into little 3 paragraph snippets.

It looks like you're fairly new to fiction writing (as there's no real style to your prose or anything), and I would suggest that you just keep at it and don't get in such a rush to publish your work.

>>2235625

Through all of it? The craft vs. envisioning thing hits the nail on the head of something I've been trying to put into words. Do you have suggestion specifically on how to work against that, or is it something I'll probably get better at the more I write? It definitely was rushed, too, since it had a due date attached.

I honestly didn't read any of it, I didn't even follow the link. But your prose sucks, your characters are weak and flawed, and your plot is awful.

>>2235637

not too good of a post there, sport

OP I couldn't stop thinking of dicks

That picture started me down this-a-way...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manifold_Destiny

>>2236523
How come?

>>2236863
I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm gonna go out on a leg here, but by chance are you homosexual?

>>2236863
why haven't you removed the first two paragraphs yet? as per >>2235499

>>2236875
Yes, what does that have to do with anything, though?

Bump.

>>2235425
>http://landonrode.tumblr.com/post/13244273769/fiction-the-manifold
>>2235425
I like the art on your tumblr. Are you the artist or is from somewhere else?

>>2237895
Thanks. I'm the artist, yeah. Anything on my blog that isn't a song or youtube link is from me unless specified.

I thought I would give you a sort of running crituque as I read through of things that jump out at me. I don't know shit about the actual rules of structure, so I can only comment on how a sentence feels as it's read.

I love the special power of the Grandfather. Sort of tragic, in an innocent kind of way. At this point I think Ben is either autistic or quite young. I would prefer him to be autistic. Some of the sentences are too short consistently, it sort of jars as you read it. Needs more flow.

'Sleep thing' was lazy.

Describing the colour of his shirt and chair as cobalt and azure respectively seemed overly complicated for a fairly simple story so far. (Why describe the chalk, then, as white instead of alabaster for instance?)

I keep thinking you're English (Piss off & Mum) and then you say sidewalk.

Some sentences need to run on (He could feel the sound, sliding in and out of the light fixtures. And could taste the colours...)

I'm sure the separations are for a reason, but when the next section begins with an and it feels strange to me.

I got bored at section 11.

I enjoyed what I read, but I got the feeling it needed a final edit. I understand the desire for a sectioned story, but sections should really be used when a new scenario is being introduced, or a major event is shifting into focus, not a continuation of a current event, especially if that means the next part begins with an and. You're a great writer though, I think why I had an issue with the azure and the cobalt was that your simplistic style up until then was representative of a childs thoughts.

Hope this is helpful.

>>2237974
That was all helpful, thanks a bunch. I always like getting grammar reaction because I still feel nervous about how I use it.

Yeah, I was trying to go for representation of a child's thoughts, but I think I lost hold of that once it seemed to be oversimplifying things.

Plus I wanted to show Ben had a fixation with blue without saying "and blue and blue and blue", but now I can't help but feel I should've stuck with the simple style.

>>2238024
You're very welcome.

First paragraph sounds like a subpar copy of that of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

>>2240097
I haven't read it yet, I've only read a bit of Ulysses so far.

PUT DOWN THE MANIFOLD AND PICK UP THE MANTICORE!

I read the first two paragraphs yesterday.

First paragraph: was the stone a pressure-activated grass-colour-converter? Did he stop looking through the peep-hole when he put his foot on the stone? what's even going on here?

Second paragraph: Oh, okay. Why was the grass overgrown and dry like wheat, wheat isn't dry and overgrown, hay is often made out of dried wheat or grass strands after the seeds have been taken out. Did you mean hay? or does the grass stand like dry hay? because un-dry hay is green.
What is a shattered hole? a half?
Surely ripe plums would lie heavy, and shriveled plums... not so heavy?


I can't be bothered reading anymore. Your imagery needs work if you want to use it in the way you seem to want to.

>wheat isn't dry and overgrown
It is compared to grass, which is usually green and short.
>What is a shattered hole? a half?
A hole made from shattered glass.
>Surely ripe plums would lie heavy, and shriveled plums... not so heavy?
Heavy doesn't have to mean physical weight, but I wasn't as clear as I should've been if I wanted to use 'heavy' to mean 'malevolent'.

You're the first one to pull things apart like that to such a degree, so I'm not sure how much of a problem I have with that, but I'll keep this sort of thing in mind. If it's possibly to have readings like that I want to avoid it if I can.

I agree with >>2237974 on a lot of levels.

I'd like to offer you the same advice I give to a lot of writers... you have something good here but it needs tending to, like a lawn or garden.

Feel free to take some time away from it, then just go through it again with fresh eyes. You should probably go through each chapter 3 or 4 times (or more) before it really all comes together.

I read through to Chapter 7 and I felt the story taking shape and started to care about Ben and his family. Using a few edits I think you could easily heighten the character descriptions (much like you do with the grandfather's trick description... that was fantastic). Ensure each sentence serves some kind of purpose in that regard and you'll be well on your way.

You're going in a good direction. Keep up the good work!