To all the MtFs, I have a question. How do you resist killing yourself? I try and try to keep my head above water, and I'm trying hard not to, but I have this overwhelming urge to kill myself. Everything's just so hard to deal with: the excruciating dysphoria, the isolation and disgust and contempt from other people, the pains of having to transition and go through all the hassle of just obtaining a body I can feel liveable in. Everyday is a constant struggle, and suicide just seems like a better alternative to having to put up with all the continuous shit I have to go through. I think about it everyday, and I use heroin, dxm, dph, and whatever other opiates, benzos, dissociatives, and abuse-able meds I can get my hands on just to fucking cope. People always say it gets easier, but everything's just as hard as it's always been. Even now that I've started changing my name and am pursuing finding hormones, it's still really difficult. I just want to know if I should quit while I'm ahead and just find a secluded place and shoot several grams of dope, or if it's all just going to pile up on my shoulders and crush me. I think it would've been easier I never existed in the first place.
go for it but send me any cute clothes you have first plz
Here's a thought: Maybe you should stop abusing a bunch of addictive fucking drugs at the same time, seek therapy, and learn to enjoy the life you have and be grateful you don't have a worse affliction than being trans.It's seriously not the end of the world. You're gonna be fine. Don't worry so much, ok?
>>1020261 (OP)I'm too much of a loser to suicide. Suicide requires you to take action, take a decision and go through with it, being proactive. I just wait for the bedbugs to eat me.
>>1020295>I just wait for the bedbugs to eat me.They are evil creatures with no purpose but to cause misery for all who encounter them. You must buy a steamer and steam them to death, anon.To death.Steam them all to fucking death.Kill them.
>>1020312but then who will eat me alive?
>>1020316You must eat THEM alive in their rancid, sanguine nests with a hot spray of steam coupled with diatomaceous earth sprinkled about the floor. You have no idea how satisfying it is to triumph over the bedbug menace. Wake up from the bedbug-induced parasitic haze of hopeless depression. Above all-else, do NOT let them defeat your sanity. That is what they want.Don't you dare give in.
>>1020261 (OP)I got a new drug for you anon.It's called spiro. You take 2x100mg of it daily, and to have more effect, get it with 2x2mg Estrofem. Be warned, as it hits slow, usually you need 2 years to feel the high. But it also hits hard, and while you're high on it (and by continuing the dose, you will be), then you'll be the girl you wanted to be for yourself and for everyone else.To get it, you need a special kind of dealer called therapist, or endocrinologist. However, they usually don't want to help you, because the stupid cops being all over them and all. Then buy these on in house pharmacy.
Ok mate, heres my version of the truth.1/4 of the population feel bad enough to take extremely negative actions without much provocation.True story time, it might seem pale to yours, but bear with me.>Be 19, always wated to be a professional diver, learnt to swim at 5 years old, bronze medal life saving by about 10. SCUBA ticket by the time i was 15. Unfortunately hearing loss meant a normal career progression (forces/rig work) was out. >I got my coxwains ticket, a years sea time and hundreds of hours under my belt diving, I lived for the ocean.>So i lobbed a job pearl diving, spent the last of my money getting to the remote location.> The existing diver changed his mind about quitting the day after i lobbed... they sacked me and bad mouthed me (tight knit community diving) before id even put a flipper in the water.1/2 way home I pulled my .22 rifle out and stuck it my mouth by the side of the road.I tell myself the only reason i didnt pull the trigger was being worried a .22 might not do the job clean.Heres how it hit me, Ive never even been as much as swimming since then. It killed the greatest love of my life.Life has gone on, Im sure Id have regretted being dead back then, as an old shearer told me..>"It only hurts for the first 30 years">What then it gets better?>"Nah mate, you go numb".Life is always better than death, death is the removal of any options.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA65lg1HWt4
>>1020329Yeah, there are other ways to suicide>>1020331>Life is not always better than death, death is the removal of any pain.fixd
>>1020329 cont.But spiro may kill your liver, so stay clear of smokes, booze and drugs while doing it.Seriously, though, I simply accepted that transitioning is a necessary part of my life. And even if I was cis, I'd need to do the very same, but that'd be called puberty or personal grooming. And the fact that I have been born into a male body had helped me prevent the harder heart-aches I'd have had with boys, about losing my virginity to a cheating jock (or even worse, to someone I couldn't even remember), that I don't have periods, so I could enjoy my bf's cum without any of us worrying about pregnancy (I still need to be careful about STDs, though), and I don't have to worry about rape when I get home alone at night.
>>1020340tl;dr Get on mones already, femanon, and suck it. You will be a nice girl once you steer clear of those fucking drugs. If you can't buy them legally, then gt it from ihp. It's not rocket science, girl.
>>1020340Nah, numbness with experience tops it.I have seen incredible things since then, I could do the whole Roy Batty bit, >'Ive seen 5' tall lesbians Ive loved hold a shield wall alongside me when 7' ex-bouncers cut and ran, even though we both thought it might get us killed, it wasnt duty that kept us there, it was love of each other as comrades"Sounds wanky? Dont care, ill never love a woman as much as her, never as much as a kiss, but fuck I lover Kelly.
not mtfi plan on doing it soon.
>>1020369why?
>>1020372soul crushing loneliness & depression
>>1020379So surrender yourself to someone who will help you, or is your ego too large for that?
>>1020387>So surrender yourself to someone who will help you, or is your ego too large for that?cant find anybody that wants to be with me, people cant get past my looks apparently.
>>1020392>go to south korea>get cosmetic surgery - their surgeons are fucking wizards>go back to home country>find sugar daddy to pay the medical bills
>>1020392Where are you?Im not a godbotherer, but surely even a devil dodging mob is better than snuffing it?
>>1020397see >>1020369
I'm medicated
>>1020398i live on the east coast.
>>1020405Where are you, country, state?
>>1020417Sorry crossed your post..Bugger im in Oz.What exactly is your biggest desire, how can you, or anyone else help you get there?Think big.
>>1020422United Kingdom of Great BritainSouthern fairy
>>1020430>biggest desire? i just wanna meet somebody who isn't a shallow piece of crap.being single for 15 years has pushed me to the breaking point.
>>1020443Well thats me out then...Nah mate, I believed would die alone for a decade, then met the lady ive been with for the last 8 years... The relationships nearly dead now (she believes sex is optional, 2 in 6 months...), but it did pull me out of my belief id die alone..But even the though of dying alone isnt that bad if you surround yourself with interests.Eg: as daggy as it is i was a member of this mob for years, great fun..>I dare anyone to find a daggier hobby.http://greycompany.com.au/
Do it faggot, lately the statistics have lowered
>>1020443How do you define "shallow piece of crap"?Attitude?Interests?Devotion to you?Common loves?
>>1020466people who cant see past my looks.ive seen guys that were & are uglier then me pull hot men & women.
Ok off to bed depressed peoples, if you kill yourselves Ill get shitty, you wouldnt like that.
>>1020572Mate Im fugly, Ive been fugly all my life.Lack of confidence was the main thing, as bad as you think you are there are women who believe they are worse.I have to go to sleep, Im pissed and nodding off here. mail is in the field if you want to continue tomorrow.
>>1020596Sorry heres the mail in the field...
>>1020600where are you from?
>>1020261 (OP)>To everyone, I have a question. How do you resist killing yourself?There are other people whose lives are just as shitty as yours, if not shittier, and ya know what chuck? They're not even transgender!
normally i eat sweets, dress up, and go shopping. also keep away from the existential questions and thoughts. keep your mind from going blank; catatonia is never a good thing.only pleasant thoughts and repertoire.
and stay away from the drugs, patty.
>How do you resist killing yourself?It's simple. How do you think the most pious religious people do it? I just decided to pick up an irrational point of view where there's some way I can change or benefit the world, that no one else can do, and if I kill myself, I would be doing others, potentially many, a great injustice.It's pretty irrational, but all I can hold onto for now, until I get happier and actively want to live for myself.
Coming out as trans is one of the bravest things anyone can do. If your macho friends new the fear involved they'd feel like pussy's. You know whats great about when your out and over the other side. NO MORE FEAR. Of anything! It takes a long ass time and people will judge you, but you know what, you dont have to give a fuck what they think.Also i dont think that many drugs is good for your mental health. Except maybe a healing one like ayuhuasca.
>>1020261 (OP)With respect, OP, it's the drugs. Like, drugs have the effect of picking you up for while, then they make you feel more down all the time no matter what because they alter your neurochemistry.If you're still chronically abusing, seek help and find a good therapist you can let this out with who you trust, maybe look into psych meds, and try to find a support gorup/friend you're comfortable.I know this is really fucking token, but it can get better. I had a trans friend(mtF, too) who was very, very much in a place where you were who is now happily living with that qt, and while it's not the easiest thing in the world for them, the good is starting to outweigh the bad.Keep on, OP. It can get better, and I'm sorry i can't be there to hug you lots IRL. :(
I can make it through because I have friends and a supporting family. I start HRT in 3 weeks, and other than my mom crying about it here and there, everything's fine.
>>1020261 (OP)I smoke weed erry day.
Purposely develop a religious view where suicide would be worse then going through life.
>>1020261 (OP)I don't live with that stuff, OP. I like my life. Why don't you get a life that you like?
Because even if you don't believe it, someone out there does love you. Even if you're not going to cure cancer, or become president and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity, you can still change the world for the better. And because you success will be all the sweeter knowing how close you came to failing.Hang in there brosis.
>>1020261 (OP)I have several problems that magnificently trainwreck into numbness and and a lacking in a sense of agency.
I think killing myself is a retarded idea.
How would I fight the evil jew for the glory of the homosexual white man if i kill myself?
I should really just end itApparently I pass, but I look masculine. I get ma'am'd and all, but whenever I get someone honest they say I pass but I look maculine, one guy said that I pass well to him but that "guys might think you look strange".My confidence raises, then it falls when I'm faced with reality. I don't know who to trust, those who say I'm pretty or those who say I'm ugly; I assume I'm actually ugly.
I resist it by...well...alcohol and not thinking about it.I keep busy by immersing my self in writing music and stuff like this.Maybe one day the dysphoria will disappear, maybe it wont.But I wont give out like some nobody.
Neon Genesis EvangelionLots of Neon Genesis Evangelion"Death creates nothing." is such a wonderful line.
>>1031453could you post a picture please :3ill help
>>1020261 (OP)>>1020295To be, or not to be: that is the question:Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sufferThe slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;No more; and by a sleep to say we endThe heart-ache and the thousand natural shocksThat flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummationDevoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;For in that sleep of death what dreams may comeWhen we have shuffled off this mortal coil,Must give us pause: there's the respectThat makes calamity of so long life;For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,The insolence of office and the spurnsThat patient merit of the unworthy takes,When he himself might his quietus makeWith a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,To grunt and sweat under a weary life,But that the dread of something after death,The undiscover'd country from whose bournNo traveller returns, puzzles the willAnd makes us rather bear those ills we haveThan fly to others that we know not of?Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;And thus the native hue of resolutionIs sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,And enterprises of great pith and momentWith this regard their currents turn awry,And lose the name of action.
I just got off a suicide help line. It helped a bit but I still feel worried for tomorrow.
>>1020261 (OP)Hate to say it, but what stops me from just ending it like that when the mood hits me is wanting to spite all of those that are against me.The best way I can give them that nice big "fuck you" is by staying alive.
>>1020263I wear an x small so they probably wouldn't fit your man shoulders.
Listen to this.
Meds and therapy saved my life. I was resistant for years... I thought I could work my issues out alone and without more meds on top of hrt. Only ended up even seeing a shrink due to pressure from friends after surviving an overdose...Give it a try, a real one. Take the pills every day for at least a few weeks and don't do stupid shit that will kill their effectiveness like washing them down with liquor.
I cope by taking copious amounts of drugs every day, playing lots of video games and sleeping twice as long as I should be.I still want to die but I have less time to think about it.
>>1020261 (OP)god i love lainto respond to your question OP, i tried before when my life was really awful. it's best to just tell yourself that things will get better, and try to get to a point of happiness every day.
>>1020316I will.In a good way.
>>1045546This.
>>1020261 (OP)I've always held stead fast onto the idea that if I killed myself pre transition. The world itself would always remember me as male. Friends, family, even my tombstone would have a male name. I couldn't rest in peace knowing that.
>>1020630Thought this thread had died long ago. sorry for the late responses,Upside down land... AKA Australia, the western bit in particular.
>>1020261 (OP)Keeping busy is the only way I stay alive, too much free time leads to bodily mutilation or suicide attempts...
>Be a 19 year old kissless virgin.>Have such deep rooted hatred and fear of never being viewed as an equal.>Seriously contemplating Biological end game sequence.>tfw no one ever taking the time to get to know me.>life is horriable and this must have been some sort of mistake for me.If this post end in 4 or 8 then I shall just become another statistic for Transgender Suicides tonight. You decide fate.
>>1048033Ill try again next week.
>>1048033Dont, come to convictland and live in a house by the beach while you sort yourself out.. rent free, no "hostel" type torture and mutilation either...I can do this... I dont have enough dough to pay your way, but I can let someone live at my place for nothing/fuck all...You get a 1 or a zero, move here...
Why put up with the pain?Just do it.
>>1048033Here, let me get a 4 or 8 for you then.
>>1055248You are welcome, just off with you now.
>>1020261 (OP)Everyone has pretty much said it already...But using all these addictive drugs is only going to make your situation worse. Sure, they feel great now, but then you can't quit using them, and in a couple years they stop working altogether but you need them just to function.Quit while you still can. And stay the fuck off drugs.You're TRANS. That's enough shit to deal with already. You don't need to add more problems to your life.It seems like more than anything you need someone to hold you and say you're going to be okay.Do some research on therapy and learn what "good therapy" is supposed to look like and how a good therapist is supposed to behave. After that, start looking. If you can't afford therapy... I dunno... I'm 25 and I couldn't get therapy until a year ago.If you just can't get therapy and you still need help, drugs are still not the answer. Your brain adjusts, and you need more and more of them to get the same effect. After enough use, you depend on them to function normally. You might already be struggling with dependency.I'm just going to say that it's not everyone's responsibility to be strong. You don't have to be.More than anything, I am certain that right now you simply need help from someone strong who will hold your hand and help you get the strength to take care of yourself.But with enough time and perseverance, it's also entirely possible to endure depression and learn to cope on your own. Make it through all the shit and hurt, and eventually you can do something about it. You learn to deal with it better. It becomes a skill like anything else.An experienced friend or a good therapist is just a teacher who can help you with your technique.
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