SHUT THE FUCK UP NIGGER

>>2906559

wat

HI THIS IS CRHIS KIMBALL AND SOME WHITE LADY. TONIGHT ON AMERICAS TEST KITCHEN WE ARE GOING TO MAKE BLAND, FUSSY, AND TEDIOUS VERSIONS OF OTHERWISE PERFECTLY AVERAGE AMERICAN FOOD! AND AFTER THAT SEGMENT WE ARE GOING TO TASTE TEST STORE BOUGHT CAKE MIX, YOU KNOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH YOUR SUBTLE APPRECIATION FOR CRAP THAT COMES IN BOXES

HI THIS IS TRAVEL CHANNEL'S ADAM RICHMAN AND ON A VERY SPECIAL MAN VS. FOOD I WILL FACE MY BIGGEST FOOD CHALLENGE YET...
DIABETES

HI THIS IS JAMIE OLIVER

>BOOOOOOO

*crys*

HI THIS IS SANDRA LEE, TODAY ON SEMI HOMEMADE I AM GOING TO ASSEMBLE A BETTY CROCKER BOX CAKE AND CHASE IT DOWN WITH A BOTTLE OF VODKA.

HEY YALL, THIS IS PAULA DEEN TODAY ON COOKIN WITH PAULA DEEN IM GONNA TAKE A BATH IN MAYONNAISE WITH I SPREAD RICH DELICIOUS BUTTER ON MY LADY BITS.

HI THIS IS GIADA TODAY I AM GOING TO DISTRACT YOU WITH MY CLEAVAGE WHILE I OVER-PRONOUNCE ITALIAN WORDS.

HAHAHA. bumping

HEY!! THIS IS GUY FIERI. TODAY ON DINERS DRIVE INS AND DIVES I'M GOING TO BE SENT BACK TO THE YEAR 1996 WHERE I ACTUALLY LOOK COOL.

I say, old chaps, today we will be using my auto-mobile to peruse eating establishments that we can then describe as being "pounds."

HEY GUISE, CAN I PLAY TOO? CHAIRMAN KAGA IS MY UNCLE.

SALUT, JE SUIS MARTIN PICARD AND TONIGHT ON LE WILD CHEF I AM GOING TO GO OUT IN ZE WOODS AND KILL SOME TING AND COOK IT IN THE BACK OF MY TRUCK

WHOOWEE, TONI ON DA CAJUN CHEF WE GONNA MAKE DAT GOOD GUMBO RIGH FROM DA SWAMP, YA KNOW. I GARAWNTEE YOU GONNA LUV IT, WHOOOOOWEE!

No YAN yet

disapoint

>>2906692
YOU WAN YAN CAN COOK? OK, YOU HAF YAN CAN COOK. YAN COOK SOM POTSTICKA AND GENERAL TSO CHICKEN TONI. YOU HAF IT WITH YUMMY ASIAN DIPPING SAUCE, OK?

HEY YALL TODAY ON COOKING WITH THE NEELYS WERE GONNA REINFORCE BLACK STEREOTYPES.

>>2906700
YOU TINK YOU BEST YAN, HUH? I AM FIRST YAN HERE. I MAKE BETTER FOOD AND CRACK JOKES. TURN AROUND AND WOK AWAY, MOTHERFUCKER.

>>2906833

>WOK AWAY

HELLO AND WELCOME TO TWO FAT LADIES ON THIS EPISODE WE'RE GOING TO HHHHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGH

HEY FAGGOTS, I'M ROBERT IRVINE, AND TONIGHT ON RESTAURANT IMPOSSIBLE I'M GOING TO YELL AND SHOUT AT RESTAURANT OWNERS FOR BEING SHIT WHILE I NEARLY RIP MY SHIRT OFF. OH, AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO DO A BUFFET, MOTHER FUCKER. QUIT BEING SHIT.

HI THIS IS ALTON BROWN, TONIGHT I'M GONNA TEACH YOU SOME REALLY BASIC SHIT WITH THE AID OF AN UNFUNNY, UNNECESSARY, POORLY CONCEIVED, AND REALLY DRAWN-OUT SKIT. THEN I'LL TELL YOU HOW YOUR KNIFE COLLECTION IS SHIT, AND HOW IF YOU KEEP EATING THE WAY YOU DO, THEN YOU WON'T LOOK LIKE AN AIDS PATIENT LIKE ME. SINCE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO READ "JOY OF COOKING" OR "MASTERING THE ART OF FRENCH COOKING" YOU'LL ATTRIBUTE BASIC METHODS TO ME, AND GO AROUND CALLING A BASIC PAN-SEAR "THE ALTON BROWN STEAK METHOD" -- OR WEIGHING DOWN NAKED PIE CRUSTS WITH DRIED BEANS "A TRICK ALTON BROWN INVENTED."

HEY GUYS, TODAY ON GOOD EATS I WILL BECOME A GOD... AGAIN.

>>2906976
>GO AROUND CALLING A BASIC PAN-SEAR "THE ALTON BROWN STEAK METHOD"

lol, what a fuckhead.

HI THIS IS MASAOKIS TODAY WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME KIND OF THINGY AND SET SOME OTHER THINGIES ON FIRE

>>2907001

What's weird is that I kinda... like read that in his voice and stuff.
you know, like he was in my head or... whatever
UUUHHHGGGGNNANANANANANA Okay we're gonna need a blender to make this turkey cake...

I'M GORDON RAMSEY, AND TONIGHT ON THE F WORD I WILL TEACH YOU TO MAKE SOME SIMPLE FRENCH FOOD FOR FIVE MINUTES, THEN BE A LOVEABLE GOOFBALL AND SHOOT THE SHIT WITH C-LIST BRITISH CELEBRITIES FOR A FUCKING HOUR

PLEASE IGNORE MY INDULGENCE OF AMERICA'S S&M FETISH OF BEING BERATED BY ENGLISH PEOPLE

>>2907001
/r/ moar masao

MOAR

Well, this thread ended up being a lot more enjoyable than I anticipated.

>>2907944
Yeah, pretty much in the same way as a gang-rape victim is "relieved" that only one of the rapists came inside

I'M ANTHONY BOURDAIN; I WRITE, I TRAVEL, AND SNORT COCAINE

>I'M ANTHONY BORDAIN AND YOU WISH YOU WERE ME.

>>2906833
This dude used to own a restaurant in Burnaby close to my place. When i was a kid my parents used to take me to this place and he'd be there all the time singing the same karaoke song (The More I See You by Nat King Cole that fucker loved that song) and walk by and ask if we wike fewd. Was pretty cool. The back of the menu was covered in wok puns. Scotch on the Woks was my favorite when I was 12.

hi, this is ina garten and today i will be making craptastic meals for all my gay friends. we will be using one or two expensive ingredients that dont taste good in this dish and then ill make fun of my beaten down husband when he sneaks some out of the fridge. isnt that easy

BILLY MAYS HERE. ORANGE CLEAN HAS ORANGES IN IT, FUCKER. DEGLAZE YOUR MIGHTY PUTTY WITH THAT SHIT BECAUSE ALL THE LITTLE BITS IN THE PAN ARE FUCK-FLAVOUR YOU CAN'T WASTE THAT SHIT.

No Andrew Zimmern yet?
I'm a disappoint.

>>2906603
TODAY ON SIMPLY DELICIOSO, I MAKE SHITTY MEXICAN FOOD OUT OF CANS AND BOXES, JUST LIKE YOUR LOCAL MEXICAN RESTAURANT.

BUT I'VE GOT TETAS DELICIOSAS, SO YOU DON'T CARE.

>>2908079
Damnit.

Hi, I'm Anthony Bourdain. I know watching me eat turns you on, hell, it turns me on.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-uNmKa4Isk (the good shit starts at 3.40)

BONJOUR I'M JACQUES PEPIN AND TODAY I WILL MAKE SOMETHING WITH MICROWAVED APRICOT JAM AND ASTOUNDING FAST KNIFEWORK AND IT'S BASICALLY DONE IN MY VOICE

>>2906672
A hui hou Wo Fat

HI I'M NIGELLA LAWSON AND WHEN YOU ARE ABLE TO DIVERT YOUR EYES JUST A MOMENT FROM MY GLORIOUS BOOBS I'M MAKING A WAY TOO RICH CHOCOLATE CAKE WHICH I WILL LATER IN THIS EPISODE CONSUME IN MY NIGHTGOWN WHILE I PRETEND TO BE TIPSY AND SLEEPY AND JUST GOING FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK.

>>2908256

>>2908256
>NIGELLA
>TIPSY
>SLEEPY
>NIGHTGOWN
>MIDNIGHT
>CHOCOLATE

CONFIRMED FOR FAP

HI, JAMIE OLIVER HERE WIPF ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE NAKED CHEF. ON TONIGHTS SHOW WE ARE GONNA MAKE SOME RIGHT PISH POSH WITH GRILLED SQUASH AND SOUFFLE WASH. ITS RIGHT TUCKA FOR GETTING STUCK IN WIT YER MATES, WHIM BAM FRY UP PAN, EASY PEASY BREEZY BEAUTIFUL COVERGIRL, YOUR LAUGHIN!

HI, THIS IS LYDIA BASTIANICH AND TODAY WE'RE GUNNA FISH OUT YOUR SAUSAGE AND SHAVE YOUR HEAD. UUUMMUUMMMUUUMMM.

>>2908003

HEY GUYS, THIS IS ANDREW ZIMMERMAN FROM BIZARRE FOODS. ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE, I'M GOING TO VISIT SOME COUNTRY AND MAKE YOU DISGUSTED IN THE FOOD THEY EAT. I'LL THEN DESCRIBE EVERY DISH I EAT WITH A FEW ADJECTIVES, SUCH AS: NUTTY, NUTTY, OR NUTTY. MAYBE SOMETIME I'LL EXPLAIN THE CULTURAL IMPORTANCE OF THIS FOOD TO YOU AND HOW YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE THEM, AND THEN AWKWARDLY PARTICIPATE IN THEIR TRADITIONS.

>>2908314

You forgot the part where he never washes his dirty little fucking hands.

>>2908759
Have you noticed how Zimmern is tolerating the shitty bugs and bad food less and less? He can't even hide his facial expression while he's chewing. I even see him turn down this food like a picky eater that isn't even bad. His dislike for Durian is especially childish.

>>2908759
you forgot the part where his jaw pops every time he chews and tries to do manly things in a failed attempt at proving he's a heterosexual

>His dislike for Durian is especially childish.
Oh fuck off, it's shit and you know it.

>>2908763

I just watch his and Bourdain's show on the Travel Channel whenever it's on, so I never know if it's new or not. But I have seen some episodes where he's less tolerant of the foods, yeah.

Maybe he's getting paid less.

>>2908766

My b, bro.

HI THIS IS LAURA CALDER AND TODAY ON FRENCH FOOD AT HOME I'LL TEACH YOU A BUNCH OF SHIT YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO WHILE YOU OGGLE MY JIGGLY BREASTS IN ONE OF MY MANY NEW DRESSES THAT I BUY FOR EVERY FUCKING EPISODE

So I guess Bobby Flay is the only Food Network personality that no one cares about? Never see any love or hate for him here either way.

HI THIS IS RACHEL RAY, AND TODAY ON 30 MINUTE MEALS I PULL MAGICALLY FINISHED MEALS OUT OF MY 50'S STYLE KITCHEN APPLIANCES.

>>2908770
Probably eating slightly unripe fruit is the reason behind most negative encounters.

I grew up near the Fruit and Spice park in S. Florida, which has 500 varieties of tropical fruit trees. Durian isn't that dissimilar from custard apples, cherimoya, avocados which aren't Haas, soursops, paw paw, breadfruit, jackfruit, less ripe star fruit, etc.

Tropical fruit isn't always sweet, watery juicy or easy to describe. It doesn't make durian awful, it just makes you inexperienced with the wealth of odd flavor combinations and textures in the world's fruits.

No Julia Child yet.
;.;

HI GISH IZ JULRIA SHILD AND TODAY ON THE FRENCH SHEF WE MAKE BUFF BURGOUBLANDY AND I CUT OFF PART OF MY FINGER

>>2908816

I lol'd

Julia should really have stayed out of the cooking sherry before taping shows.

hahaha omg archive

>>2908796

HI IM BOBBY FLAY! SIT RIGHT DOWN AND WATCH WHILE I SLATHER FUCKING EVERYTHING IN MANGO SALSA AND CILANTRO. WATCH ME BE THE SHAME OF AN ENTIRE NATION AS I JUMP ON CUTTING BOARDS AND ELECTROCUTE MYSELF.

>>2908256
>>2908256

>yfw you realize Nigella Lawson is FUCKING 51 YEARS OLD, JESUS CHRIST SHE'S STILL SO HOT WHA DOES SHE BATHE IN FORMALDEHYDE??!

>>2908092
I ALSO SLURP MY SALIVA BETWEEN EVERY SENTENCE

>>2908871
makeup and botox, lots of botox

>>2908763

Durian is the only thing I ever saw him gag on.

Hi, I'm Rick Bayleth and thith ith Mekthico: One Plate at a Time. Today, we're going down to a rethort in Guadalapulconaranjatlan, a quiet little villa in Durango. We're not actually going to be cooking today; inthtead, i'm going to thpend the whole epithode getting mathaged by humble Mekthicanth. Oh, look! Tequila! Let me jutht drink a pitcher of it really quickly here. Okay, good. Bring out the palm frondth!"

>>2908902
I lol'd

>>2908902
Am I the only person who thinks this guy is a huge faggot?

>>2908942
i like his food, but i hate him and i think his daughter is a giant cunt IRL

>>2908942
i'd take him over Bobby icantcookwithoutpeppersandcorn Flay

WHADDUP HATER, THIS IS HARLEY FROM EPIC MEAL TIME AND TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA COMBINE MCDONALDS AND JACK DANIELS AND DRIP THAT CHOCOLATE SAUCE AND THEN ADD BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS THEN WE'RE GONNA LET OUR EGO GO TO OUR HEAD BECAUSE WE'RE FAMOUS ON FUCKING YOUTUBE AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS AND BACON STRIPS HATER

>>2908960

way to misinterpret humor, dummy

>>2908986

Why so defensive? That was a good impression.

>>2908256
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wncEeJZqzM

>>2909001
When has Nigella ever needed to say "tits" on a cooking show?

HI THIS IS SCOTT CONANT AND TODAY ON CHOPPED IM GOING TO JUDGE EVERYBODY'S FOOD SUBJECTIVELY AND STIFLE EVERYONE ELSES VOICE WITH MY ENORMOUS EGO. I FUCKING HATE YOUR MASTERFULLY PREPARED DISH WITH ITS WELL EXECUTED ARRAY OF SEEMINGLY INCONGRUOUS SECRET INGREDIENTS SOLELY BECAUSE YOU USED RED ONION, I FUCKING HATE RED ONION.

HI I'M GRAHAM ELLIOT, TONIGHT ON MASTER CHEF I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE OFFERING ANY KIND OF CRITICISM ON YOUR DISHES, WHILE THE BALD FAGGOT WALKS AWAY WORDLESSLY WITH A STERN LOOK ON HIS FACE, AND GORDON RAMSEY SHITS DOWN YOUR NECK. MEANWHILE, THOSE OF YOU IN THE BACK WILL HAVE TO WAIT TEN MINUTES TO BE JUDGED, ENOUGH TIME TO ALLOW YOUR FOOD TO COOL PAST THE POINT WHERE IT WILL BE AT ALL APPETIZING, ON OUR OBVIOUSLY STAGED SHOW. ALSO I'M A GIANT FAGGOT.

>>2909250
Actually, I hate the entire show. I mean, it's like they go out of their way to force the contestants to create something from the most ridiculous array of ingredients. I want one of the contestants to look at Conant and go, "Yeah, ok, fucking you try it. Let's see what you do with a durian, wild Alaskan Salmon, and Hershey's chocolate syrup."

>>2908802
>nope.jpg
YUMMO GUYS TODAY ON 30 MINUTE MEALS WE'RE GOING TO MAKE MY SUPER DUPER FAVORITE STOUP AND SAMMIES, ALL WE NEED IS SOME E VEE OH OH AND NOTHING WE MAKE WILL BE YUCKO!

>>2909277
they really go out of their way on that show to pick some of the most esoteric, and some of the most inedible, ingredients possible.

>>2909250
>>2908802

So fucking true. I jajajajaja'ed

HI I AM ALEX GOLONOSHALLIA TODAI ON CHOPPED I WILL PETEND THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO JODGE PEOPLE'S FOOD OBJECTIVELIE

ALSO I WILL COMPLAIN WHEN THEI FAIL TO MAKE ME A NICE DESSET WITH BACON AND ADVIL TABLETS.

ALSO I LOOK LIKE A BOLLDOG

HI THIS IS HUNGRY GIRL AND TODAY IM GOING TO TAKE ALL THE FAT OUT OF THE FOOD YOU LOVE AND INJECT IT INTO MY FACE WHILE I BRAINWASH YOU INTO THINKING ALL OF THIS SHIT FOOD IS GOOD FOR YOU.

>>2909327
thats next weeks episode asshole

HI THIS IS AIDA AND TODAY ON ASK AIDA MY SHOW GETS CANCELLED BECAUSE ITS BORING AS FUCK; IM GOING TO GO DROWN MY SORROWS IN A VAT OF CHOCOLATE

Needs some Anne Burrell and Claire Robinson.

BEEG meat. BROWN FUUD. I'd do full impressions myself but I'll likely fuck em up