So, you don't have health insurance? Then I'm assuming you haven't seen a psychiatrist for your severe major depressive disorder.

Go to the ER and tell them that you're afraid that you're going to kill yourself; ask for a psych evaluation so you can be placed in a mental hospital.

In most states, the mental hospital should be able to set you up with insurance (or some way of paying the medical bills) and they'll set you up with available treatment before you leave the hospital (you'll be seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist somewhere as an outpatient).

>Protip: killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
>Mark Twain said that; sadly I am not that witty

>somewhere deep down I don't want to
This is called "the will to live."

Get out of the shitty marriage and snoop around for jobs.

>>12172149
Oh, by the way, not having seen a psychiatrist is fairly important because it means that your depression won't count as a pre-existing condition.

It's still plausible to get you some way of paying psych bills to treat your illness if it counts as a pre-existing condition, but it's a lot harder.

And yes, mental illness affects your quality of life just as much as physical illness; it's also potentially as dangerous (depression is responsible for most suicide attempts -- manic depression, major depression, and chronic depression. The other common responsible factor are personality disorders, and they're unsurprisingly commonly comorbid with depression.).

Been there, done that.
I'm done with the system, they don't really help me. I'm in the state where I am unwilling to accept help I just... Want... Something in me to change so this doesn't have to happen.
I'm schizophrenic so... This isn't exactly easy to put into words. It's like I'm not me anymore, everything is just... Empty, I'm empty. I'm overwhelmed by the... Nothingness.
I need something but I can't figure out what and I don't wanna die but I'm so tired.
I feel old, damaged and just...
Like I'm already dead, my body is just rotting slower than the rest of me.
I know people care about me, but I don't.

>Using pills to kill yourself

Top lel.

There's actually a fair amount of altruism in this decision. I know that things will be better of others when I'm gone, at least after all the paperwork and funeral stuff is dealt with.
I've been doing nothing my entire life but corrupting others, we're all sick of me it's just that everyone I know is more decent than I, and more willing to take my crap than anyone should be.

>>12172197
See, that's the problem with mental illness: it makes it seem like a logical, altruistic thing, like killing yourself is some great idea and it's going to help the people you love and all that shit.

It isn't.

Seriously, if you actually get better, you're going to be wondering how you thought shit like this because it makes no sense when you've got ahold of yourself.

>>12172197
I read about the one guy who survived jumping off that really big bridge in the states (California?), anyways he said the second he jumped, he regretted it. He actually survived and now he turned his life around. I suggest therapy, but find someone you like, I mean what have you go to lose? you need at lease 10-15 sessions for anything to happen i think though.

You can get out of this rut. You just need to ask for some help, because you can't do this on your own.

OP, I once tried to kill myself with some Excedrin PM and a 5th of vodka. It doesn't work. My attempted landed me in the hospital with a catheter that was too large for my dick and all kinds of probes and monstrosity hooked up to me.

And the worst part? Using alcohol and sleeping pills just kills your liver, not you. So you won't die right away, you'll die SLOWLY without a functioning liver.

Don't fuck yourself over with sleeping pills. You'll just suffer before you slowly die.

As for the suicide thing in general, don't. No matter how bleak it is, things can and WILL get better. I can promise you that;. As someone who has been in your shoes, someone who has tried to end it, I understand you and I care about you. Think twice.

Listen to me now, believe me later... it will get better, and this moment in the rut, this moment where you want it to end... all of that will be a pillar of strength for you to draw upon in the future. Things will get better if you want them to. Take this moment now, when you're at the bottom of the barrel -- maybe even beneath the barrel altogether... recreate yourself. Reinvent yourself. Do everything you've wanted to now. Take this moment and make it yours.

I'm praying and hoping for you. Stay strong and be what you've wanted to be, because you really can do anything. I did, and you can too.

>>12172120 (OP)

killing yourself = not killing yourself

your life is as meaningful as it is meaningless

linger in that dilemma a bit longer to satisfy my sociopathic desires :3

>>12172400
Over 90% of people who have attempted suicide say that they're glad they weren't successful a year later; the longer you get from the suicide attempt, the higher the number climbs.

>>12172197
OP, I've been severely depressed for five years; I've had two respective two-month breaks where I seemed to recover and relapsed really quickly, so in effect I've been depressed for sixty out of the past sixty-four months. Those four months don't make much of a difference and it still feels like I've been depressed forever.

I've cut myself. I've attempted suicide. I've been hospitalized. I'm on my tenth psychoactive medication (my ninth antidepressant -- I was put on a mood stabilizer for a while after I got out of the hospital.). I've had seven therapists; it took that many for me to find my current one (#7), who works wonderfully with me and who I think I've made a lot of progress with.

To give some context to the five year number, that's 60 months out of the 229 I've lived (well, 229 months and a day); that's 26.2% of my entire life. Given that you don't mature enough for proper thinking et cetera until you're at least eleven or twelve, that's over 90% of my life as an intellectual -- the time that I've had for complex thought and real insight and meaningful experiences and shit.

>>12172596
I can't guarantee that your life is going to get better or that there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Right now, I'm a wreck -- I'm a lonely, mentally ill high school senior with no close friends and a largely unsupportive family (my parents support me financially and let me live with them but that's close to about it -- they don't really understand depression; my dad seems to think that there's nothing wrong with me and my mom's convinced that I'm going to be depressed for the rest of my life because she threw reason out the window at some point.). I really can't. If I told you that I could guarantee that your life will improve, I'd be lying.

Here's the thing, though: life is worth living. There is a really, really good possibility that you're going to live to be healthy and alive and happy -- a day where the dark days that you're in right now will seem like some kind of distant memory, almost as if they happened to somebody else. There is a future out there for you where everything is going to be okay and you're going to be you; the real you, not the depressed you. That life is out there, almost tangible, and if there's even the smallest chance that you're going to find it you should do everything you can to do so; life is worth living, if only so that you can find a life that's worth living.

>>12172600
I don't know what life's done to you; I don't know what your parents have done, your wife, your siblings, you doctors, your therapists, your employers, your teachers, your friends. I don't know exactly where you are, or how you got there; I just know that you're considering throwing the only life you have away, and that there are people who care about you, even if it's only a few people who browse 4chan. I'm sorry that life's hurt you and I'm sorry that these things have happened to you; I'm sorry that you've been reduced to this and that you feel so bereft of hope that suicide seems like a reasonable option. I'm so sorry.

Life has hurt you, OP, but it doesn't have to define you; it doesn't make you who you are and it doesn't change how much you're worth. You matter, and you are worth so much more than your achievements and your struggles. There is so, so much more that lies ahead for you, so much potential and so many actions worth doing and feelings worth having and times worth experiencing; the life you could have, the life you probably will have, is waiting right there for you, and if you die right now you're throwing all of it away.

Please don't kill yourself, OP. It isn't worth it, you don't deserve it and you don't have to do this. Do it for yourself, if you won't do it for a sentimental internet stranger.