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    File : 1325124040.jpg-(36 KB, 638x600, ALA.jpg)
    36 KB ALA Thread Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:00 No.5289537  
    So Anime Los Angeles thread, I guess, seeing the other one is about ready to leap to it's suicidal 404 death.
    >> RedDickies !!BvBZJIM+I1V 12/28/11(Wed)21:01 No.5289542
    I'm a cartoon.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:04 No.5289556
         File1325124242.jpg-(31 KB, 500x282, Jebron2.jpg)
    31 KB
    >tfw Kisuke D Nara get's his face smashed in again in his hotel room
    >> Maguma !ftEuMagUmA 12/28/11(Wed)21:08 No.5289581
    >>5289556
    Kyle knock it off!
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:18 No.5289641
    >>5289581

    I'm not Kyle you fucking idiot. Matt go to your little garnada hills arcade and fuck your butt buddies and stay off these threads you fucking faggot.
    >> Maguma !ftEuMagUmA 12/28/11(Wed)21:41 No.5289724
         File1325126472.jpg-(129 KB, 640x480, 1248477139191.jpg)
    129 KB
    >>5289641
    Woooooooaaaaaah! Easy there, Thumper. I'll post wherever I please. Also it's Granada.
    >> God !BrODINgKJM 12/28/11(Wed)21:45 No.5289734
         File1325126738.jpg-(135 KB, 475x564, 1307939064759.jpg)
    135 KB
    >>5289641
    Daw. The widdle kid is mad and being an internet tough guy even though he won't do shit.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:45 No.5289735
    Fred chan "The Loli Lord" Created the "One Naked Ruri" drawng in the "Blurred Megatokyo Doom".
    There were Sixteen Drawings also created in "Blurred Megatokyo Doom", The "One Naked Ruri" drawing haves a verse:

    Nigga Speech of a huge gaping vagina the size of a hallway, to see it you must open the image in photoshop and read the watermark and it reads

    Three Drawings for the Furry-kings from undernet

    Seven for the Yuri-lords in their habbo halls

    Nine to the Lolipedos who are doomed to get in Jail by FBI

    One to "The Loli Lord" on his WC throne

    In the Land of Megatokyo where fags, furries and pedos lie

    One Drawing to rule them all, One Drawing to find them
    One Drawing to bring them all and in the darkness fap
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:46 No.5289739
    To save 4chan and the humanity itself we must find the "One Naked Ruri" drawing and bring it in a huge gaping vagina the size of a hallway(Megatokyo forums), only by that way the power of The Loli Lord will be destroyed, the search is just the beginning, so many anonymous had been corrupted by its power turning them into weeaboo slaves of the Loli Lord

    A little while into the shower, right when I was losing myself in a dream, I heard a loud noise in the other room. I thought maybe my stack of mangas had fallen over, and I didn't want them to hit my piro-kun I made from clay, so I rushed out to see what happened.

    And then I saw him- Piro-kun had my suitcase and was smelling my panties. I was frozen solid, this was so scary, I didn't know what to think. He put them down and his face went red, and he started walking over to me. I backed away as much as I could but I ran into a corner. I was shaking, trying to cover up my private parts, but he grabbed my arms and pushed me into the wall. then he went down and started licking my private area. It felt really weird, I was so scared and confused. Then he shoved me hard onto the bed, I was so scared I was crying, I couldn't speak or scream if I wanted to. He took off his clothes and he shoved his private part into my private part. At least I think he did, I didn't really feel it go in, but he started slapping me and saying "take it bitch take it all". I was so scared, but I don't remember anything else... when I woke up I had a little bit of white stuff on my tummy, and I was naked on the bed. Piro-kun was gone. I'll never forget that night, or the things that he did to me.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:48 No.5289742
    Lolita fashion:
    -degrades western culture
    -Promotes vendettas and vandalism
    -degrades women
    -Implies positivity to primitive force (look at any professional

    photography gallery, and you'll see imaginative photos with interesting

    photography, look at a lolita gallery, and you'll see a pissed off fat

    girl wanting to fight)
    -Shifts values to "burando" and expensive dresses which leads to theft
    -Promotes Japanese culture, which tries to legalize child porn

    Lolita fashion can be done by ANYBODY, an ebay account is all you need

    to buy primitive clothes and get glomped at conventions. If you've been

    raped by an asian guy, thats credible and preferred to hype your image,

    just like growing up on the "street"
    The skillsets needed are simple, the coords dont need to be related,

    just whatever looks "cute" is fine. They dont even have to make sense,

    just as long as it sticks to childplay. And sometimes, lolitas will get

    lazy and just wear shoes. Now some of you guys are gonna say "omg racist

    against lolitas", but more than half of all lolita clothing is sold to

    whites. No other genre of fashion promotes more negative values than

    EGL, and as it spreads toward different regions, it infects the native

    population like a fungus.

    There is NO talent in lolita, so next time, when you're buying cheap

    jumpskirts from Bodyline, get yourself a clue and don't do it. Your

    brain will thank you for not degenerating it into a pile of primitive processing jello.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:49 No.5289744
    I used to be absolutely disgusted by dickgirls. For years I would deliberately skip saving pages from doujinshi I found if it had one in it. More recently though, I've accepted that there is futanari art that turns me on. I don't feel compelled to seek out pictures of real-life shemales; it's just one of those things, like piss-drinking and genital piercings, that anime makes arousing even though you'd never go for it in real life. I think it's a combination of three things:

    1) Attaching a PENIS to a girl causes her to become sexually aggressive. She can't stop touching herself or trying to have sex with every girl, boy or other dickgirl she sees. An erection means "I'm horny, I want to have sex." When you see a girl gazing at you with a hard on, you know she wants you. Normal girls, it isn't always that obvious (a wet pussy is hard to see through clothes for example).

    2) Seeing a dickgirl ejaculate is like how you wince when you see someone else get kicked in the nuts; it's a sympathetic reaction, like psychosomatic or something. Beautiful girls and ejaculating are high on most guys' lists of favorite things; dickgirls put them together in a simple package.

    3) A dickgirl's dick is just another toy for you to play with. I'd treat it like an extra breast or a really big clit, something that will make her feel good when you touch her, and a hell of a lot more user friendly than a teeny tiny little knob at the top of her crotch.

    4) After four years of nothing but 'normal' hentai (and some real life sex), I'm jaded by hentai. I need something a little kinkier to get me interested, and this fits the bill nicely without getting too fucked up like scat or mutilation or sensory deprivation
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:50 No.5289747
    >>5289556
    this guy is cool you idk why you trippin
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:51 No.5289748
    My girlfriend was bugging me for months to live out her YAOI fantasy. She wanted to masturbate while watching me make it with another guy. I finally gave in and said I'd do it if she'd agree to a threesome with me and another woman and I got to fuck the other woman.

    She agreed so she brings this guy in. The guy is huge, he takes charge and totally makes me his bitch. I suck him off and then he sticks it in my pooper. Meanwhile my girlfriend is sitting in the corner of the room masturbating like crazy, screaming humiliating insults at me as she comes like "take that cock you sissy queer, you're a little cock whore arn't you faggot".

    I'm surprised at how much I'm actually getting into this. Having her masturbate and verbally humilate me while getting totally used by a big man was a real turn on.

    But then the next day she tells me she's dumping me because now that she's seen me getting fucked and sucking a cock she's disgusted by me.

    WTF!?! I did this for her and this is the thanks I get? I fucking hate this bullshit YAOI fantasies that women get. If you can't handle a guy getting fucked and sucking a cock THEN DON'T ASK THEM TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN FOR YOU!

    The worst is I didn't get my fucking threesome.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:52 No.5289751
    We walk this earth
    With fire in our hands
    Eye for an eye
    We are nemesis

    We are with you
    Countless vicious souls
    Fight, fighting for freedom
    United, we stand..we stand

    We are a legion
    Voice of anarchy
    This is revolution
    Creating new disorder

    We are enemy
    opponent of the system
    Crushing hypocrisy
    slaying the philistine

    One for all
    All for one
    We are strong
    We are one

    One for all
    All for one
    We are one
    Nemesis

    A malicious fever burns
    In our heart, in our veins
    Ýour blood, my blood
    All blood runs the same
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:53 No.5289754
    I am sick and fucking tired of you ass holes Who have no lives and like picking on defencless creatures. I am putting in a Email to the owners of 4chan to remove and bann all Pictures of lolita tourture/death. Just because you Idiots do this means many other people want to see it. And I bet a few serton organizations would like to see whats going on in /cgl/. I would injoy any and all people who torture lolitas to get punished for there acts. Now STFU and GTFO
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:55 No.5289757
    Dearest /cgl/,

    I recently started playing Magic: The Gathering as a result of NYComic-Con. I got some rally rare stuff from two guys who were really cool. They even made me a red-white deck.

    Now, I go to school. and I'm playing with it, and a friend of mine knows how to play but doesn't have cards of his own. I then promised him to give him a Blue-white deck that I didn't plan on using at all. After many words of praise, the end of school came and I went home.

    I looked at the blue-white deck and said "I could make this better." So I did, shift things in and out and made it nicer. So I decided to test it against my red-white deck.

    It beat the shit out of me. 5 times.

    Now, I'm in love with this Blue-White deck that's been able to own my red-white several times over. I don't want to give it to my friend, and the red-white has too many rare cards for me to even THINK of passing it on. And I don't want to give him nothing so...

    What should I do?

    Signed, Random M:tG Player.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:56 No.5289758
    dear /cgl/, i've realized i hate women

    i'm not gay, just women aren't worth the bullshit. Pussy isn't that great, and having to do so much stupid shit, how they want you always thinking about them, going to crappy movies, or "talking". I don't mean actually talking about ideas, or anything remotely interesting. I mean either her bitching about her life or her friends. Or how they hate talking about anything substantial; in fact, they actively try to suppress all conversation on anything beyond trivial bullshit.

    "intellectual" or political girls are no different. They don't want a conversation, they want an idelogical circle-jerk
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:56 No.5289759
    TITS
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:58 No.5289765
    *sigh* Evidently, I'm "one of the girls"... ...that happens to have a PENIS. Or, a Soccer Mom with a dick.

    This Saturday, I've been invited to "girl's night out" with the group of PTA Moms that I've been hanging out with after school. Some are married, most are not. They're a group of women that have known each other since High School that just happen to have all of their kids go to the same school as my daughter. We've talked a lot about all sorts of stuff, and our kids play together. I'm on a couple of commitees and we all work together for school fundraisers and stuff.

    Most of our discussions have been about school stuff, but a lot of it has been personal. It's about to get intimate.

    I've told one about my "checkered past" and about being a former male stripper. Now, she's told all of the rest, and they are all demanding lap dances this weekend.

    Fuck.

    I've tried my best to be non-sexual around them, treating them as fellow parents that are concerned about the total well-being of our kids and responsible parental involvement with our kid's education.

    All of a sudden, that dynamic has changed, and I'm not really comfortable with it. They're all about to get a big helping of throbbing dick rubbed up against them, and they're OK with it.

    Would I enjoy it? Sure. Would it be wise? Probably not.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)21:59 No.5289767
    My father was standing there naked, his mouth open, his eyes bulging out as he stared at me huddled in the corner. His cock was hard and red, and pointed at me threateningly, like a gun. He got in the tub with me, the water flattening his hair and dropping down off his face. The drops bounced off his chest and shoulders as he moved against me in the corner. He grabbed my wrists, pulling my hands away from my chest, holding them high above my head with one hand so he could stare at my naked
    body. His other hand pressed against my boob, pushing it flat against my chest
    with his palm. He rotated his hand, then closed the fingers around my tit, squeezing the meaty flesh. He stared down at my tit in fascination, as his fingers squeezed and squeezed it repeatedly.

    His hands came around me, hugging me tightly as he kissed me. He pulled myleg up and thrust his hips forward, crushing my ass against the tiles. He reached between his legs with his other hand, still holding my leg up high and
    to the side, and inserted the tip of his PENIS in my sheath. His hand moved around onto my ass, pulling me outward as he slowly pushed
    himself up into me. He began thrusting almost immediately, screwing me with short, sharp jabs. He moved his hips around in circles, jerking in and out. When he decided I was loose enough, he began pumping with long sdough strokes. His body crashed into mine again and again, slamming me against the corner of the shower enclosure. My face was buried in his wet chest fur. Then I felt him shudder. His hips slammed forward as his head jerked up and back.

    From the tip of his cock inside of me burst a fireball and I exploded.

    FATALITY.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:00 No.5289772
    Dear /cgl/. About 4 years ago, I got curious as to why gay guys like getting fucked in the ass. The first thing I ever put into my anus was a cotton swab, and it felt really weird. Eventually I looked for other things around my house to try, bottles, things with handles.. etc. It went on like this for years. I just recently bought a dildo to use on my ass, and it feels REALLY good. But I guess what my real question is, where can I find a guy who will fuck me? I dont want a boyfriend or anything, just a PENIS in my ass.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:01 No.5289777
    When Pulane Leburu started scratching one of her breasts in December last year, it was the beginning of what would later become a nightmare in the area.

    She couldn't stop scratching the bottom part of her right breast. She washed it twice, but it worsened with each application of water.

    Leburu, 48, of Disaneng village, about 40km outside Mafikeng in North West, went to the clinic the following day.

    "A yellowish sore had developed and it was itching and paining. I had to go to the clinic when I felt a lump inside.

    "Nurses thought it was something to do with breast cancer. But they were baffled because it was developing on the outer part of the breast," she said.

    At the clinic, a nurse felt a lump inside the breast and, while squeezing it, asked Leburu whether she was feeling any pain. Then the sore burst open and a live worm emerged.

    Leburu's was one of the earliest cases of an outbreak of skin-worm sores in the Ratlou sub-district, outside Mafikeng.

    At least 120 people, including babies, have reported to clinics in the area with the condition.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:04 No.5289788
    Dearest /b/

    I can't get my gf of over 2 years to orgasm. I've tried everything. I've ate her out till she says to stop, different positions, etc. We've been screwing for over a year and nothing has worked and now she wants to see a sex therapist.

    tl;dr how I failed to make girl cum?

    picture not related as she won't me stick it into her pooper :/
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:06 No.5289793
    I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance guys.

    I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

    Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night something odd happened. She had come over to play WoW and had forgotten to sign off of AIM after she left. It was whilst I was going through her buddy list that I noticed my mage had just been two-shotted by a rogue.

    Should I stick with my mage or should I play a class with more survivability?
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:07 No.5289796
    Guys, today I realized that I've completely lost the ability to empathize with other human beings. Also, I'm actually terrified about being in a sexual situation with a female, and losing my virginity was a hollow, empty experience. I have no job, but I do have occasional psychotic episodes where I black out and don't know what the fuck happens. My roomates hate me, and even though I can barely stand sex with guys, I keep on giving them blowjobs and getting fucked up my ass for them, even though it doesn't get me off.

    So my question, /cgl/, is this:

    How do you take your coffee?
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:08 No.5289802
    A year ago the world was mad at me, and I was mad at it, because I coudln't express my emotions. I was totally focused on keeping emotional pain well away from any part of myself that could feel it.

    All this sounds like some stupid teen angst post, about how 'no one understands the real me', I don't think that's true. I think that almost everyone has done what I'm doing now - lay in bed, kept awake by feelings of fear or confusion, and looked for a way to reach out and express the feelings inside. I think all we want to do is reach out and really feel like someone is listening, actually understanding what we feel. The hardest thing to do is work all the feeling out all alone. This is where I failed.

    For me, the emotions felt overwhemling and unexpressable. They wern't. I went through two periods of drinking at least 3 times a week, and at least once a week heavily. I got into fights. I took risks. I put myself in a hospital. I've even done things that I still can't talk about.

    Long and painful story short, my life found me the next morning hugging my knees on the cold floor of the common room, by the refridgerator. All the bad feelings I had been hiding from the past 5 years caught up to me. I was so afriad that I felt I had only 2 options: run as far away as you can, or end the pain. I actually started to pack to leave. My friends got me help. I've been in therapy for 4 months now.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:10 No.5289812
    so /cgl/...
    Now im not really tall or heavy (5'6 150 lbs)

    So anyway i bought the pills cuz i thought the 200mg of caffeine was gonna make me feel awesome and powerful .... (or at least wake me up in the morning) but i dont feel any diferent , even after taking 2 capsules, i feel nothing...

    i want my money back !!motherfuckers!!

    has anyone in here tiyed this before?
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:12 No.5289826
    Okay guys, this isn't funny anymore. The cops fucking knocked at my door today and asked me about websites I've been visiting. I NEVER go to any sick pedo places or anything like that so it must be this place they're talking about. For god's sake stop screwing around with the pedo shit, you're going to get yourselves arrested. Trust me the authorities are watching and they're taking it VERY seriously. Don't believe me, fine, wait a while and you will. I just hope you have a good lawyer. Goodbye forever you sick fucks, I'm going to wipe my hard drive.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:16 No.5289834
    What I am writing, purely for the enjoyment of my fellow seagulls. Yes, that means this did NOT happen, so there aren't any pictures, so: inb4 pics or it didn't happen:

    About three years ago, me and my little sister (Who is 4 years younger than me; her at the time being 12, me being 16) were invited to go to a family reunion. the day that were were supposed to go, my sister ended up being sick and not wanting to go. My father had promised to DJ the reunion, and my mom's sister would be there who she had not seen in years. I said I could stay home with my sister and watch her, while my parents went to the reunion.

    Before the story goes farther, I should give a little history. I have never been attracted to my sister in any way, and would never have planned this out. She was (at the time) about 4'11", probably about a b cup, and had long brunette hair.

    So about an hour after my parents left, I was in my room. Door closed, volume on the computer down, I had my cock in hand and was jacking off to some random porn I had found. our walls were thin, so i knew I *should* have been able to hear my sister come down the hall if i needed to stop. But on this occassion I guess something caught my fancy and the shuffling of feet eluded me. after a quick squeek of the hinge, i twirled around and found my sister standing in the door, wide eye'd and staring right at my dick. I stopped and covered up, yelling "A little privacy??"
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:18 No.5289838
    This is what I do not get. People always tell me how great I am at what I do and say that they WISH they did the stuff I do. Well here is a word of advice

    1. If you are the typical teenager who sits on their butt and plays CoD or surfs the internet for 12 hours a day you have a problem.

    2. If you think "getting some" is what life is about well you really have a problem.

    3. Drinking and Drugging just hinder you from your life goals and if you do it because its fun and "socially acceptable well your dumber than I thought (and don't call me for a reference anytime soon :D)" And If you choose to drink and drug your life away, well to you my good friend are an absolute fool because they (drinking and drugging) will crush your reputation.

    4. Actually do something with your life (like do research or read a book to better you knowledge) instead of wasting away your life at the mall spending your parents money or what little money you have at the pathetic money pit that is the mall.

    5. Put yourself out there and make something of yourself (get to know people).

    6. Volunteering opens MANY MANY doors.

    7. Actually believe in what you do and you will be a success ;) because if all you’re doing all this volunteerism and stuff for a piece of paper they will know and so won't you and I feel sorry for you if you do stuff just to say you did it because in the end you will leave empty handed. (actually care about what you do because not only does it affect you it affects others 100 times more if you show that you really do care about helping others as I do.)

    8. "Get off your duff and do the right stuff" I bring that from Hidden Valley to you ;)

    9. The picture attached is me at my Eagle Scout ceremony earlier this year. I plan to graduate high school and then finish college with a med school degree in cardiotheracic surgery. Then I will open up my own summer camp and retire at the age of 35.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:20 No.5289847
    > 4th grade, had burritos from a greasy Mexican diner for dinner the night before
    >Sitting in class, feel rumbling in bowels similar in magnitude to that which the great Cthulhu will produce when it returns
    >Ask to go to the bathroom as the shit begins to trickle out of my desperately clenched asshole
    >My teacher says no, turns motherfucking cunt face back to board
    >Start crying like the bitch 4th grader I was, shit smell starting to spread in room
    >Kids around me start making faces, cry more
    >Decide I have no other choice, let loose the floodgates and feel sweet relief as the massive amounts of shit evacuate my bowels
    >Get detention, all worth it when I see sad Mexican janitor cleaning shit up after school (my class evacuated after it all spewed out)
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:22 No.5289856
    Hello seagulls,

    This is my first post. I tried posting late last night but it didn't seem to go through. Now I realize that it's because you have to post a picture.

    Anyways, I'm hoping you can help me. I've been going through some tough times with my daughter recently. She just turned 17 and is going through that phase where she hates her parents and wants to be left alone all the time. Anyways, a friend of mine from work installed a program on her laptop that lets me check what she's been up to and I noticed the other day that she posts a lot of silly images here on your "random" forum and on the japanese cartoon one. Browsing this website myself, I'm having trouble understanding a lot of the inside jokes or even making sense of what's going on (I guess I'm too old to catch all the pop culture references).

    Anyways, what I'm asking is whether or not there's some sort of guide out there that explains what all of these things mean ("4 chan for dummies"?). I'm hoping that if I can get a good grasp of these jokes, I might be able to touch base with my daughter and maybe find some common ground.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:23 No.5289858
    itt stupid/annoying customers you've dealt with, and for those of you whom are underage b@nned idiots in your every day life.

    i'll go first. One day a nigra went through the drive thru, he ordered over 9000 chicken sandwiches, over 9000 burgers and over 9000 tacos. We were in a bit of a rush at the time, some what busy, which meant we were trying to get everyones order done as quickly as possible so we could start cleaning etc.. well the nigra pulled up we gave him his food and I assumed that was the end of it.

    The nigra called about ten minutes later complaining that we misplaced his tacos, I figured to myself that this was very possible seeing as we were busy and it's happened before and besides it was just over 9000 tacos I honestly didn't give a shit we had like ten made in advance for whomever ordered them. I told the man to just bring his receipt and we'd give him his tacos.

    The nigra pulled up about ten minutes later after that then decided to tell me that when he checked in the bag again it was empty. I was dumbfounded to believe he would actually expect me to believe that. I asked him why he didn't tell me that and he told me he didn't realize the bag was empty at the time when he called, I then asked why he didn't just call back and he told me he didn't think to do that.

    I then told him i'd just give him the tacos because that's all he originally asked for, and I knew he really wasn't missing that crap because a true nigra would be all up in arms about misplaced stuff and demand over 9000 more items and gift cards etc.. he did however request free fries for wasted gas but I declined him the offer.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:30 No.5289886
    HOW TO BE A NIGGER PARTS 1-6


    PART I

    1) Lie about how big your dick is all the time, and about how many white women you fucked while their husbands were away at work. This way, you feel wanted by someone other than law enforcement.

    2) Bounce as much as you can, bobble your head up & down and back & forth, and hold your crotch when you walk. Don't forget to lick your lips as much as possible.

    3) Wear the largest clothes you can find. Wear you cap backwards or sideways. Wear a bandana underneath the cap if possible.

    4) Screw as many fat negro sows as you can, this way Your illegitimate children help the mothers bleed the government dry, and you can lie to yourself about what a "playa you is".

    5) Only drink malt liquor, Colt 45, or Thunderbird.

    6)When you get pulled over and arrested for the trunkful of weed in your Sedan deVille, yell racism and racial profiling (even if the cop is black, he's an oreo). Make sure the Nation of Islam and the NAACP hear about your case. Don't forget the ACLU.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)22:32 No.5289895
    Sup /cgl/,
    I work at an anonymous counseling service in Ohio. I was going through the emails that I get from the site and I received this:

    I am a single mother in her early thirties. Recently I had a surgery that requires me to take high dosages of sleeping pills at night. They are very powerful and make me sleep heavily. Starting about a week ago, I began waking up feeling sore, and agitated around my anus. I first thought that it was a possible side effect of the medication, but after consulting my doctor I was assured this was not the case. It continued, and several nights later I forgot to take my medication. I fell asleep without much problem. I was shocked to be woken up later that night to sharp pains in my abdomen. I quickly realized that it was caused by my son (16 years old) penetrating me anally. I was so shocked I pretended to still be asleep because I did not know how to deal with it at the time. Please I am desperate. I do not know how to confront my son about this, and I am afraid of going to sleep with my medication again. I love my son, but I feel violated and lost. How should I handle this? I pray that I raised a son I can be proud of, but I feel like I am losing him and this is tearing me apart. How can I save him ?

    Okay, seriously, just come forward, man, I know you're here.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:02 No.5290009
    ITT: Times you were caught fapping.

    I was 17 and at home. I Found a technique to have extra pleasureable fapping. I taped 4 water balloons with hot water togather and stuck my lotioned up dick between them. My neighbor was in skimpy clothes outside so i moved the couch to the window, put it between the matress and started fucking it watching her.Well I didn't know my mom was sleeping in her room. She walks out and walks in on me fucking the couch with a home made sex toy staring at me 15 y/o neighbor. We don't talk much now.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:25 No.5290099
    >>5289734

    You might not wanna egg people. Who knows if ALA will turn into a bloodbath because the tripfags egged the wrong person.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:29 No.5290115
    Whoever is copy and pasting that shit on the thread is a fucking idiot.

    Kisuke D Nara is still getting his beat down, tl; dr or no tl; dr, it's a reality faggot.
    >> God !BrODINgKJM 12/28/11(Wed)23:52 No.5290204
    >>5290099
    Soscurred. You need to learn how to death threat, go lurk on Marsh.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:54 No.5290212
    ITT things we want the customers where we work to know.

    1.) yes, the price includes the stuffing of the bear, you fucking moron, unless you would like to pay twenty five dollars for a piece of fabric.
    2.) i really do not give a flying fuck how you spell your child's name. i'm only writing it on the tag which will be ripped off anyway.
    3.) the fact that your dolt of a kid can't understand the simple instruction of "kiss the heart," and stares at me blankly is not cute, it's fucking retarded.
    4.) 8:55 at night is not an appropriate time to decide you want to build a bear, especially when you can plainly see we are closing, and you know your kid will take five hours to pick one goddamned outfit.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:57 No.5290220
    Tom Cruise waited. The Celebrity Center spotlights above him blinked and
    sparked out of the air. There were aliens in his body. He didn't see them,
    but had audited them now for years. His warnings to Commodore Hubbard were
    not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

    Tom was a Scientologist for 14 years. When he was young he watched the Orgs and he said to Val "I want to be in the Orgs Val."

    Val said "No! You will BE BRAINWASH BY ALIENS"

    There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got craziered he stopped. But now in the Flag Base of the CoS he knew there were aliens.

    "This is Source" the HCOPL crackered. "You must audit the aliens!"

    So Tom gotted his e-meter and turned the Tone Arm.

    "HE GOING TO EoC US" said the aliens

    "I will exteriorize him" said the BT and he restimulated Incident Two.

    Tom Tone 40d at him and tried to blow mass. But then the needle fell and they were enturbulated and unable to clear.

    "No! I must audit the aliens" he shouted

    The HCOPL said "No, Tom. You are the aliens."

    And then Tom was a Thetan.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:58 No.5290224
    “Knock it off already.” Cassie had the remote control firmly entrenched in her hand and was doing her best to keep it out of reach. The TV was stuck on basketball, which sucked. I knew that there had to be some combination of leverage and brute force that would cause my sister’s fingers to open and let me gain command of the remote. Getting up and walking to the TV was simply out of the question.

    “Knock what off?,” I replied, making another grab. Cassie just rolled her eyes and pushed me away. Time for a desperation move. I stuck my thumb in my mouth just long enough to let it collect a good amount of spit, then, distracting her with another lunge for the remote, I slid my thumb past her defenses and rubbed it over her left ear.

    “Ewww! Fucking gross!” Her grip loosened just enough for me to pry the device from her hand. My victory was sweet, but it was also short.

    “Okay, Knob. You asked for it.” She grabbed me by the wrist and deftly twisted it behind my back, using her three-year age lead and height advantage to throw me down on the couch. She pinned me on my stomach and quickly moved into a sitting position on my shoulders, resting her full weight down on me to keep me from escaping. It was pretty much over. I knew what was coming next, and with one final effort I raised my free hand and succeeded in changing the channel before she could wrestle the remote away. Yes! No matter what happened now, she could never take that away from me.

    I closed my eyes as I heard her unzip her pants. My embarassment was unreal as she began whacking me on the back of the head with a blunt, meaty object.

    As a boy, it’s not easy growing up with a sister who has a bigger PENIS than you do.
    >> Anonymous 12/28/11(Wed)23:59 No.5290229
    My family isn’t exactly normal. Cassie’s dad was killed in car crash when she was only a year old. Mom got married again and had me, but my dad ran off with a car show model when I was seven, leaving my mom to take care of us by herself. We’ve been though some rough times, but I think we’re closer because of it. And also weirder.

    My sister Cassie is…well, different. When Cassie was born she was what they call ‘intersexed,’ which is the name for what happens when your parts are mixed up between being male and female. They decided to operate and make her into a boy, but as she got older it started to be obvious that she wasn’t supposed to be one. Now at sixteen you couldn’t guess that she was anything other than a slighty tomboyish teenage girl. She looked like a girl, dressed like a girl, and even smelled like a girl. She pretty much *was* a girl in every way except for what she had between her legs. A lot of people seem to think that’s the only place that counts, but living with Cassie has taught me that its what’s in your head that really matters.

    It was a little strange growing up with her, but I pretty much got used to the fact that she had a ‘thingy’ like I did. The strangeness increased when she hit puberty and started growing boobs, something that the doctors said was unusual since she hadn’t been taking hormones. They gave her some to try out and her boobs got even bigger. Her hips got wider too and she started getting taller. I was still pretty small for my age and it soon became clear that she could beat me up pretty easily. Not that she ever really did, but anytime we had a wrestling match she would win pretty easily. We usually got along well, but as we both got older things started to get…complicated.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:00 No.5290238
    Our mom was working long shifts at the hospital, leaving Cassie in charge at home. I didn’t enjoy being bossed around by my sister, so sometimes I got pretty rebellious. Then Cassie developed her unique way of dealing with me, and I quickly learned that making her mad was a bad idea. That didn’t always stop me, however.

    Sometimes she got really irritable. She didn’t seem to have many friends even though she was smart and wasn’t bad looking. She liked guys and even had a boyfriend for a while when she was fourteen, but he’d peeked at her once when she was changing in his parent’s poolhouse and totally freaked out. He broke up with her right after that and she’d hadn’t had a boyfriend since. She was probably pretty lonely. Sometimes I felt sorry for her, but she could also be a real pain to live with.

    She was in one of those moods one night when I suddenly got a hyperactive urge to tempt fate. I crept up behind her as she was laying sidelong on the couch. She was watching basketball again. I waited until one of the players made a three-pointer, then I reached down with lightning speed and snapped her bra as hard as I could.

    “He shoots, he scores!” I yelled, then ran for my life. It was the typical kind of foolishly suicidal thing you do when you’re thirteen and bored out of your mind.

    She snarled and lunged, but I was already sprinting back upstairs, hoping that I could barricade myself in my room before she caught up. I almost made it. She shoved the door open with her shoulder before I could get it completely closed and jumped on me.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:05 No.5290252
    Interesting ways you lost your job.
    I used to work at my university convenience store. Got fired for inappropriately touching a pickle. An actual pickle, those big ones in the big ass jars. I'd give details, but they're not as interesting.
    Post your funny sacking stories
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:08 No.5290259
    Have you ever sat on a bus, and saw a guy sitting somewhere you could see and looking at everything and everyone as if he had a mild case of ADD, sometimes stopping for a few seconds longer to stare at an ass or tits, or a pretty face. But when you meet his gaze, he looks away, non chalantly. Sometimes he stares out the window with a far away look in his eyes. Sometimes his eyes are closed and he looks like he's resting, and then suddenly opens them and looks around as if something startled him.

    That one guy, who, while standing in line, looks everywhere and observes everything, from the tiles on the ceiling to the security camera implacements, and find everything fascinating, as if he's a scientist that infilitrated a pack of gorrilas in a gorrila suit. He stand in one spot, but moves and turns to the point you start to think he chows down amphetamines by the bucketfull, because he's giving you motion sickness.

    A guy, who sits alone, while eating, and either stares out the window, as if he's trying to figure out the meaning of life, or stares at the table with a constipated look, as if he's trying to figure out the human psyche. When it comes to food that's not messy, he's chewing thoughtfully with his eyes closed, and sometimes opens them to look at everybody with that stare, as if he's already figured out 7 ways to kill everybody in the room in the next 13 seconds with his half-eaten French Fry.

    If you seen that guy, congratulations... You've seen Anonymous.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:12 No.5290279
    Soup /cgl/,
    Does /cgl/ have any good poop stories?
    Not shit, not crap, not a dump, but poop.
    AS FOR ME....

    2nd grade.
    I had to poop really bad, and yknow, no one wants to take a fucking poop in school, so i held it in.
    That lasted until the last class when I stood up to answer the question and it popped out, I answered it and sat down, but did so in a way in which to not let the poop squish. It failed. It fell out, beneath my desk. I had no choice. I kicked it to the douche next to me and said "omg lol look jimmy pooped lol"
    The seats around jimmy's border were empty for a month.
    lol

    What are /cgl/'s poop stories?
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:12 No.5290280
    >>5290115
    You smell like a newfag dude. Shut up. We are not your personal army. We don't give a fuck
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:14 No.5290284
    ITT: Accidental Nudity.

    When have you been caught naked or seen someone you shouldn't naked?

    My Story: When my sister was 14 and I was 15 she had some friends over to stay the night. Her friend walked in on me in the shower. She came back later when I was in my room and asked me not to tell my sister, I said ok, and she showed me her boobs to make it even without me even asking.. Anyways, next time she stayed over she and I had a laugh about it when my sister was in the shower, then she asked to see it again. This time I got it out and it was hard because she was watching, she showed me vag as payment... Then her family moved away :(

    Your stories?
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:15 No.5290289
    >>5290280

    You will be giving a fuck when you see a crowd at ALA around Kisuke D Nara laying on the floor bleeding from his mouth
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:15 No.5290292
    i'll tell you a story that happened to me about 7 months ago.

    I just got home from the barber shop and I had hair all over my neck and chest.
    I hopped in the shower and started to wash the severed hairs from my neck.
    Out of the opening of the shower curtain inbetween it and the wall out of my perif I see something looking at me.
    Right as I see this it bolts off and i'm scred shitless..
    I try to continue showering when I hear my rusty screen door creak open and my front door slam closed.
    After this there is about 10 seconds of silence.
    Than I hear whatever came into my house sprint loudly from the living room straight to the bathroom door, 4 feet away from me.
    I am a grown adult, 6'1 220 pounds.
    I was standing there naked in my shower crying to myself, praying to whatever god there was to make whatever was outside my bathroom door leave.
    After 10 minutes my front door slams shut.

    It took me three hours to get myself to leave my bathroom.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:16 No.5290294
    Miko stood uncomfortably in her short skirt and blouse in front of her new boss. She was scared and embarassed by the unusual alterations to her body. Her petite breasts were now big and round, with thumb-sized nipples making little tents in her blouse. Her new PENIS was big enough to raise up her skirt and just poke out from under the edge of it. And her belly felt really weird.

    "So you just want me to... pee?" she asked hesitantly.

    "That's right, just into this cup," said her boss. "Just try it out."

    "All.. All right..." she said. She was flushing a deep red. But suddenly she actually had to pee. It was tough making her muscles relax in front of a strange man, but eventually she could feel the liquid traveling down her PENIS from its base to its tip. It was cold!

    Her boss held the cup out and after a couple seconds it filled with a red liquid. "Good job," he said. "Now see what it tastes like!"

    She took a sip and it wasn't bitter at all, like urine, it was sweet! It tasted just like cranberry juice!

    "And if they want ice, you know what to do," her boss said. "Yup," said Miko. She was ready to go on the floor.

    The first table had a man and two women, probably a couple and a sister out for a date. She walked up and asked them what they wanted.

    "We'll have two cranberry juices and a Pilsner for my sister," the man said. "Just a second," said Miko. She walked over to the man's glass and relaxed her muscles. Nothing happened for a couple seconds, but then her big half-erect PENIS filled with cold juice and out of the tip came a red splash of juice into the cup. Soon it was full. She used her hand to squeeze out the last drops.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:17 No.5290298
    >>5290289
    You're implying I know who this Kisuke is and if I care about you beating up someone I don't even know.

    Stop being such a tryhard
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:17 No.5290302
    "Do you want some ice?" she said. She squatted and pulled her skirt up to reveal her beautiful behind, little pink button right in the center. She pushed and from behind you could see the clear piece of ice, completely clean, squeezing through her butthole, falling into the glass. It was really cold! Two more came out, plop! plop!

    She had no idea what they'd done to her gut but it was really weird. She kinda liked it! The whole situation was making her aroused and she was getting really stiff!

    After she filled the woman's glass from her inexhaustible PENIS (there was always more juice and she could change the flavor just by thinking), she opened up her blouse and drew some beer from her huge breasts for the other woman. But as she was walking to her next table, one of the other tables called her over. There were two guys there, probably in their twenties. One of them was having ice cream.

    "Hey, waiter! Server!" he called. She walked over, conscious of the fact that she wasn't carrying any equipment - plates, cups, food, anything. Everything she needed was all inside her new body. As she walked up to the table, she could feel the weight of her erect PENIS wobbling from side to side, cold from serving the juice. It felt really odd. She wanted to shake it back and forth for some reason.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:18 No.5290305
    "Thanks so much", said the guy when she reached his table. "Just a second..." He grabbed her erect PENIS and brought it over to the ice cream. It felt so weird to have this stranger's hands around her PENIS. But he began moving his hand up and down her shaft, applying the right amount of pressure, and it began to feel really good. She hadn't been told about this part of the job! She could feel a warm feeling right above her VAGINA right at the base of her PENIS that began to spread into the shaft. He sped up and the pleasure spread throughout her body as she rapidly approached orgasm. It was a jangling, pulsing feeling that she hadn't ever felt before! She broke through an invisible wall, moaning and hiccuping in astonishment, as great steaming chocolate gobs of syrup spurted out onto the man's ice cream.

    He slowed down as she spurted and when she was done he sucked the last bit of syrup from her glans. The whole thing had taken around twenty seconds. She wanted to collapse on top of this young man but instead she smiled and said, "Have a nice day sir!" and walked to her next table.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:20 No.5290310
    Miko stood behind a thin plywood wall at the festival outside the cafe with plugs in her ears. Passers-by looking at the wall would see a painted picture of a woman at the beach, but Miko's gigantic, creamy naked breasts stuck out from two holes in the wood through the torso of the painted woman's svelte swimsuited figure. Miko's erect PENIS stuck out incongruously and egregiously through another hole in the wall, not lining up in any aesthetic way with the woman's body. Miko couldn't see if anybody was looking. Her PENIS hardened further and she flushed bright red, knowing that everybody could see her most private parts but nobody knew it was her. A minute passed in electrically charged silence. Because of her earplugs, she didn't know whether there was a crowd out there or anybody at all. Suddenly she felt a hand grab her left breast. She drew in a sharp intake of breath. Whoever it was began to knead it slowly. She arched her back in arousal, and imported German beer sprayed out from her nipples. Then she felt the tongue on the head of her cranberry-red PENIS...
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:21 No.5290317
    I work in a sportscard/collectables/Magic card store. We were having a magic tournament one day and had too many nerds attending so they spilled out into the hallway of the mall. Some soccer momish whore comes up to me and asks me if I can explain the game the kids/fat nerdy middle aged men in the tournament are playing.

    So I explain that, Magic: The Gathering is the biggest new craze and that the kids are practicing how to summon satan using the magic effects of their cards. The objective is to be the conqueror of hell. I said that rather sarcastically with my back turned to her, but I turn and see the shocked expression on her face. Bitch looks like she just took high beam's to the eyes in the middle of the highway. So what do I do? I stay calm and keep explaining of course.

    I tell her that the older men out there are the Demonic Tutors and that they help guide the younger patrons down the road of sexual expression and decadence, and help them work towards becoming fully integrated into the community.

    She just immediately stormed out and grabbed some 15ish year old kid by the hair and drug him out of the mall while he screamed " OWOWWW! What are you doing mom!? OWWWOWOWOWOWWWW! I need to get my deck! OWOWW! I NEED my deck!"

    I walked out and yelled "WAIT" She stopped and turned around with her kid still struggling against her. "If he leaves now he'll never be able to complete the ritual."

    I shit you not, bitch had FOAM comign out of her fucking mouth. It was possibly my greatest moment.

    I hope she goes to the news with this shit and I get to be on O'Reilly or something explaining why children should be playing magic cards. :)
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:22 No.5290320
    I've been spying on my sister for about two months; watching her change her clothes through her bedroom window. I never thought I'd take it any farther than just spying. She is my sister, after all. To me it's just a good way to see some tits, ass and pussy on a regular basis.

    My sister and I are twins. We get along great, not like some brothers and sisters. Our dad is in the Navy and we've never lived anywhere long enough to develop close friendships with other kids, so we've become each other's best friend by default. We're both pretty smart and have tested in the top percentile of our classes academically. We do just about everything together. We go to the movies, hang out at the mall, sometimes we even double date. I also think we have a special connection because we're twins.

    During our senior year in high school, right after we turned 18, we moved to San Diego and our dad shipped out for a six-month tour of duty aboard a destroyer. Mom works as a paralegal, for a law firm downtown, so we are home by ourselves after school every day. This is our first house with a pool and that's where my sister and I spend most of our time. I've noticed my sister's body developing over the last couple of years, but I am not prepared for the feast my eyes get when my sexy, twin sister spends most of her time in a skimpy swimsuit. She's blossomed into a size 34B and the sexy curve of her tits, visible around the minimal material of her swimsuit top, captivate me. Her firm, young ass rounds out the bottoms of her swimsuit in a way that would make any guy look twice.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:24 No.5290325
    Being around my sister, in our swimsuits every day, is getting to me. I find that I can't keep my eyes, or my mind, off of her firm, young tits or her cute, little ass. We are playing in our backyard pool, dunking each other and generally fooling around, when my sister climbs her way up my body and tries to dunk me. She seems oblivious to the amount of bare skin contact between us, but my cock certainly isn't. I have to maneuver myself sideways so she won't feel my hard-on.

    Her swimsuit top is stretched tightly across her breasts and when it gets wet, her nipples make pretty obvious bumps in the thin material. Pushing on my shoulders, she lifts herself out of the water, trying to dunk me. At 18 I've had a few girlfriends, but I've never seen a sight as sexy as my sisters tanned tits two inches from my face. I desperately want to see them uncovered.

    We finish in the pool and my sister goes in the house to change. My cock hardens as I watch her tight ass wiggle across the patio toward the sliding glass door. I can't believe how badly I want to see her naked body. I tell her I'm going to check the filtration system and will be right in. Instead, I walk around the side of the house to my sister's bedroom window. This side of our house has a covered walkway with lots of bushes. I position myself to see in her window, without her or our nosy neighbors seeing me. I look for an opening in her blinds so I can watch her change, but the way the blinds are positioned, I can only see the ceiling. I give up (for that day) and go in to change.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:24 No.5290326
    >>5290298

    I'm not beating him up you retard. Others are.
    Fuck off. Go put on a wig up your asshole and stop replying to me bitch ass faggot.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:25 No.5290333
    The next day while my sister is watching TV in the family room, I sneak into her room and adjust her blinds, leaving about an inch and a half gap between the bottom of the blind and the windowsill. After changing into my swimsuit, I head out toward the pool.

    "Hey Lisa, I'm going in the pool. Want to go?" I ask my sister casually as I walk through the family room and out the sliding glass door.

    "Sure, I'll be there in a sec," she says, getting up from the couch and turning off the TV.

    That's my cue. Around the house I go. I get to her window just in time to see her entering her bedroom. She is pulling her shirt up as she closes the door. I stand there mesmerized, as she tosses the shirt on her bed and begins taking off her bra. My cock jumps, creating a bulge in my swimsuit, when I get my first look at her creamy white mounds, with inch and a half areolas and little pink nipples. But the real treat is watching her unzip her shorts and slide them down her tan legs. My sister is average height, with a flat stomach, and a body that curves in all the right places. She turns from the window while taking her shorts off and I'm looking at her panty-clad ass, as she bends over. I start rubbing my cock through my swimsuit, to relieve some of the pressure, as she hooks her thumbs in the waistband of her panties and slides them down.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:27 No.5290337
    soup /cgl/,

    I celebrate Christmas like any normal guy, I am about mid-twenties and live with my parents while I am still attending college, and every year we have the same delightful experience of opening Christmas presents in the morning, and the gathering around the table for dinner in the evening. So I was driving my car back to my parents' house and I had some fresh yams in the passenger seat that filled the whole car with a delightful scent. I was almost to my block when I saw a man dressed as Santa Clause walking down the street, carrying what I assumed was a large bag of toys. When I was slowing down by him to turn, he ran over to my window and threw a fully wrapped present through my open passenger window, about a cubic foot. I tried to yell out to him, but he ran off laughing before I could even see his face. I shrugged my shoulders, moved the present, made sure the yams were still okay, and kept on driving. When I pulled into my parents' driveway my father walked out, bundled up, through the snow and gave me a big hug. "Merry Christmas son!" I responded in kind and handed him the yams and present.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:28 No.5290343
    "Oh! You brought us another present, on Christmas morning? That's so thoughtful of you son." I told him that actually I got it from some man walking around the neighborhood and his happy face suddenly turned dead serious. "Was it a man dressed like Santa Clause? Did you see his face?" I told him yes he was dressed that way, and no I hadn't seen his face. "God damnit you worthless fuck-up. Get inside and let's hope we don't all die, piece of shitgrease." He fiercely clutched the present now, and shoved me forward into the house. When we got inside my dad threw the present behind the tree and put a poinsettia in front of it. "Honey, our boy is home for Christmas!" He called out to my mom, who I could hear was in the kitchen, already preparing for dinner later tonight. He whispered aside to me, "Don't say a fucking word you cock-sucking bookworm four-eyed piece of my wadded up jerk nap."
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:29 No.5290346
    We all drank some warm coffee my mother made, and then sat around for presents. My father had got some new slippers and a boxed DVD collection of Charles in Charge. My mom got some new books and a guide to silk screening shirts. I opened my presents and got a airsoft gun and a set of 25 different pencil sharpeners. My mother was cleaning up the wrapping paper and suddenly said, "Hey honey, it looks like we forgot a present back here!" She reached back behind the tree and brought out the present my father had hidden. My father's face went pale as the moon and she smiled at him. "Ohh did you hide this as a special surprise for little Kevin?" I blinked nervously and asked her what she meant. "The present is for you silly!" She handed it over to me and my father stared me down. "Go ahead son. Open it."
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:31 No.5290350
    I carefully unwrapped the bright green wrapping paper and found a small cardboard box folded shut. I opened it up and it was filled with packing peanuts. I reached in slowly and pulled out a small stuffed doll of a fat black boy. I looked at the tag and it read "Hello, my name is Jeffery, I am your Christmas POO-RESENT." Just as I finished reading it the doll leapt up and shoved itself down my throat and I started to shoot diarrhea streams out of all open holes in my body, like a shit sprinkler. Jeffery shot out of my ass and bounced up to my dad, clutching onto his ear and filling it with vomit corn carrot chunks and his black nigger semen which shot out of his nose, mouth, and other ear, and caused his eyes and brains to rocket out and set our tree on fire. Jeffery lept onto the floor and filled the tree water container with piss and shit and the tree turned into a gigantic dump plant, shooting streams of urine and animal piss into the entire house until we all drowned.

    ...then Big Jeffrey died and we never heard from him again
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:32 No.5290356
    >>5290326
    This guy is hilarious...getting tough over /cgl/ and trying to fight at a con, O LAWD.. God, Maguma,Masa, Matt or whoever else is going to ALA, I hope you guys have fun at this con & report back with good news that nothing happened at this con. And even if something happens (which I highly doubt), take care of these clowns, they're doing way too much shit talking and trying to stir up unneeded drama.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:33 No.5290359
    When I first lost my virginity we were REALLY horny and wanted to do it, but two asshole friends were over in my room watching Butterfly Effect & couldn't take the hint.

    So we snuck into the bathroom and got naked. We were making out and I was fingering her while she stroked my cock. We were both really giddy. But I got really excited too quickly and felt an orgasm coming on. So I put the condom on and she laid on the cold tiled floor. I lowered myself onto her and pushed my cockhead up against her pussy lips. I started to push, and she started to push back, and I'm thinking WTF why isn't it going in...when all of a sudden it just popped into her and she GASPED <!!!!!!> Like huge inhaling gasp.

    I thought I broke something so I'm like OMG I'm sorry are you ok? She's biting her lip, with her head turned to the side, eyes closed and starts nodding so I proceed. I push it all the way in, pull it all the way back, push it all the way in....and cum immediately.

    But she didn't notice me cumming and it was her first time too so I had to pretend to keep fucking going. After about 15 strokes or so, I ask her if she can tighten her pussy around my dick, and I see her take a second to think about it and she does it. I pretend to have an amazing life-changing orgasm, moaning + the works. I collapase onto her and we kiss passionately for awhile. Eventually we pull into a sitting position and I pull my limpdick out and we sit there for awhile, temple to temple. I keep telling her her I love her and she keeps giggling and saying I love you too.

    This was the third attempt. The first attempt failed because I couldn't keep a hardon with the goddamn condom on. I fucking hate condoms. The second attempt failed because it just wouldn't go in. At all. Either my dick was too wide, or her pussy was too small, or both. A few weeks of fingering fixed that.

    That was 3&1/2 years ago.
    I'm not terrible in bed anymore, but it doesn't matter because I don't laid anymore :(
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:35 No.5290366
    Differences between real Seagulls and newfags:

    1) I find furries stupid and annoying and will make fun of them, but don't feel the need to post their personal information and destroy their lives for the "lulz", especially since it isn't funny.

    2) SHOOP DA WOOP is hilarious, as are NIGRAS. But I don't find "real" racism amusing.

    3) I acknowledge Japan has problems with racism, and that Weeaboos can, like furries, be stupid and annoying, but I don't act like you can't go out in daylight if you're an american there. I believe many falsely accused Weeaboos are fans of *alternative* japanese culture - which is a lot more tolerant of foreigners. If it wasn't for Alt. Japanese culture, 4chan wouldn't exist.

    4) I don't fucking spam EFG/other wise epic threads just so I can get a piece of the "Lulz". If I want to have my moment, I'll make my own thread.

    5) I don't think saying "slit your throat, bitch" increases my PENIS size.

    6) I don't type shit like BAAAAAWWWW any time anyone has a genuine complaint. This spreads to "real" forums and starts up being a way for abusive mods, admins, to put themselves beyond questioning, and "private property" is meaningless when ALL forums end up like this(also, you can't "own" a publically open social gathering, it's ludicrous - a real /b/tard is a child of chaos and understands this).

    Truth is real /b/tards only act like assholes to mock real assholes. Idiots who read ED and don't realise the context don't understand this. Being a shitty person with no real sense of humour does not make you a tough guy.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:37 No.5290373
    In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave
    me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind
    ever since.
    “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me,
    “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t
    had the advantages that you’ve had.”
    He didn’t say any more, but we’ve always been unusually communicative in a reserved way,
    and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that. In consequence, I’m inclined to
    reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me
    the victim of not a few veteran bores. The abnormal mind is quick to detect and attach itself to
    this quality when it appears in a normal person, and so it came about that in college I was
    unjustly accused of being a politician, because I was privy to the secret griefs of wild, unknown
    men. Most of the confidences were unsought—frequently I have feigned sleep, preoccupation, or
    a hostile levity when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was
    quivering on the horizon; for the intimate revelations of young men, or at least the terms in
    which they express them, are usually plagiaristic and marred by obvious suppressions. Reserving
    judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget
    that, as my father snobbishly suggested, and I snobbishly repeat, a sense of the fundamental
    decencies is parcelled out unequally at birth.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:38 No.5290382
    >>5290326
    Wait, this anon's bitching about a dude getting his ass whooped and he's not even doing the ass whooping? Why should anyone even. Nah, not worth it.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:39 No.5290384
    And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I come to the admission that it has a limit.
    Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I
    don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back from the East last autumn I felt that I
    wanted the world to be in uniform and at a sort of moral attention forever; I wanted no more
    riotous excursions with privileged glimpses into the human heart. Only Gatsby, the man who
    gives his name to this book, was exempt from my reaction—Gatsby, who represented
    everything for which I have an unaffected scorn. If personality is an unbroken series of
    successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened
    sensitivity to the promises of life, as if he were related to one of those intricate machines
    that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away. This responsiveness had nothing to do
    with that flabby impressionability which is dignified under the name of the “creative
    temperament.”—it was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have
    never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again. No—
    Gatsby turned out all right at the end; it is what preyed on Gatsby, what foul dust floated in
    the wake of his dreams that temporarily closed out my interest in the abortive sorrows and
    short-winded elations of men.
    My family have been prominent, well-to-do people in this Middle Western city for threegenerations. The Carraways are something of a clan, and we have a tradition that we’re
    descended from the Dukes of Buccleuch, but the actual founder of my line was my
    grandfather’s brother, who came here in fifty-one, sent a substitute to the Civil War, and
    started the wholesale hardware business that my father carries on to-day.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:40 No.5290387
    I never saw this great-uncle, but I’m supposed to look like him—with special reference to
    the rather hard-boiled painting that hangs in father’s office I graduated from New Haven in
    1915, just a quarter of a century after my father, and a little later I participated in that
    delayed Teutonic migration known as the Great War. I enjoyed the counter-raid so
    thoroughly that I came back restless. Instead of being the warm centre of the world, the
    Middle West now seemed like the ragged edge of the universe—so I decided to go East and
    learn the bond business. Everybody I knew was in the bond business, so I supposed it could
    support one more single man. All my aunts and uncles talked it over as if they were
    choosing a prep school for me, and finally said, “Why—ye—es,” with very grave, hesitant
    faces. Father agreed to finance me for a year, and after various delays I came East,
    permanently, I thought, in the spring of twenty-two.
    The practical thing was to find rooms in the city, but it was a warm season, and I had just
    left a country of wide lawns and friendly trees, so when a young man at the office suggested
    that we take a house together in a commuting town, it sounded like a great idea. He found
    the house, a weather-beaten cardboard bungalow at eighty a month, but at the last minute
    the firm ordered him to Washington, and I went out to the country alone. I had a dog—at
    least I had him for a few days until he ran away—and an old Dodge and a Finnish woman,
    who made my bed and cooked breakfast and muttered Finnish wisdom to herself over the
    electric stove.
    It was lonely for a day or so until one morning some man, more recently arrived than I,
    stopped me on the road.
    “How do you get to West Egg village?” he asked helplessly.
    I told him. And as I walked on I was lonely no longer. I was a guide, a pathfinder, an
    original settler. He had casually conferred on me the freedom of the neighborhood.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:41 No.5290394
    And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things
    grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with
    the summer.
    There was so much to read, for one thing, and so much fine health to be pulled down out of
    the young breath-giving air. I bought a dozen volumes on banking and credit and investment
    securities, and they stood on my shelf in red and gold like new money from the mint,
    promising to unfold the shining secrets that only Midas and Morgan and Maecenas knew.
    And I had the high intention of reading many other books besides. I was rather literary incollege—one year I wrote a series of very solemn and obvious editorials for the “Yale
    News.”—and now I was going to bring back all such things into my life and become again
    that most limited of all specialists, the “well-rounded man.” This isn’t just an epigram—life
    is much more successfully looked at from a single window, after all.
    It was a matter of chance that I should have rented a house in one of the strangest
    communities in North America. It was on that slender riotous island which extends itself due
    east of New York—and where there are, among other natural curiosities, two unusual
    formations of land. Twenty miles from the city a pair of enormous eggs, identical in contour
    and separated only by a courtesy bay, jut out into the most domesticated body of salt water
    in the Western hemisphere, the great wet barnyard of Long Island Sound. they are not
    perfect ovals—like the egg in the Columbus story, they are both crushed flat at the contact
    end—but their physical resemblance must be a source of perpetual confusion to the gulls
    that fly overhead. to the wingless a more arresting phenomenon in particular except shape and size.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:42 No.5290399
    soup /cgl/...this is a serious post for I have a very serious, serious problem.

    So today was my one year with my beautiful girlfriend. It's so easy to get along with her and we've virtually never had a fight. It's interesting, because this year seemed to have flown by so fast. Anyway...to the point

    We had both been having pretty fuckin' stressful weeks, so I decided to surprise her with an amazing dinner (we originally were going to celebrate it over the weekend since we were so busy). I took work off today to make the fuckin' thing too. It basically took me about 5 hours to make the thing...first time cooking really too. I set up the table all nice as well; candles, flowers, wine, cheese, etc. All is going to be amazing.

    She finally comes home at around 5:00pm (PST) and sees that I cooked dinner! She was surprised, but also said she wasn't feeling very well. She forced a smile, and sat down to eat as I placed all of the food on the table.

    This is where it gets bad, /cgl/...really fucking bad.

    I forgot to mention that I take steroids because I have Crohns disease...and sometimes make me lash out angrily at stuff. I have never lashed out at her...because we've gotten along so well...but there are a few holes in my walls.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:43 No.5290407
    In winter of 1944, with overtaxed supply lines in the Ardennes, a German medic had completely run out of plasma, bandages and antiseptic. During one particularly bad round of mortar fire, his encampment suddenly became a bloodbath. The survivors claimed to hear, above the screams and barked commands of their Lieutenant, someone cackling with almost girlish glee.

    The medic made his rounds during the fire, in almost complete darkness as he had so many times before, but never this short on supplies.

    The bombardment moved to other starts of the line, most men dropped off to sleep in the still dark hours of the morning - New Year's Day, 1945.

    The men awoke at first light with screams. They discovered that their bandages were not typical bandages at all, but hunks and strips of human flesh. Several men had been given fresh blood transfusions, with no blood supplies available. Each treated man was almost completely covered, head-to-toe, with the maroon stain of blood.

    The medic was found, sitting on an ammunition tin, staring off into space. When one man approached him, tapped him on the shoulder, his tunic fell off to reveal all skin, muscle, and sinew had been stripped from his torso and his body almost completely dried of blood. In one hand was a scalpel, and in the other, a blood transfusion vial.

    None of the men treated for wounds that night, in that camp, saw the end of January, 1945.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:45 No.5290413
    The assassination of John F. Kennedy started a macabre chain that continues to this day. Oswald killed Kennedy, Jack Ruby killed Oswald, this much we know. What few people are aware of is how far it continued after that.

    In 1967 while awaiting retrial for the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, Ruby died in Parkland Hospital (the place of death of both Oswald and JFK), some say due to the negligence of the doctor overseeing him. A few years following this, that same doctor died in an auto accident while on his way home. The driver of the car that struck him would make a full recovery, though the medical costs would bankrupt him and drive him to a life of crime. A store owner acting in self defense would be the one to claim his life, and so on.

    Few have kept full track of the chain up 'til now, or how far from Dallas it's traveled, but many believe it still continues. Fewer still are sure if it started with Oswald and JFK, or if perhaps it goes further back than that... betraying some unknown transgression from President Kennedy's past.

    Just be careful out there.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:46 No.5290416
    During the summer of 1983, in a quiet town near Minneapolis, Minnesota, the charred body of a woman was found inside the kitchen stove of a small farmhouse. A video camera was also found in the kitchen, standing on a tripod and pointing at the oven. No tape was found inside the camera at the time.

    Although the scene was originally labelled as a homicide by police, an unmarked VHS tape was later discovered at the bottom of the farm's well (which had apparantly dried up earlier that year).

    Despite its worn condition, and the fact that it contained no audio, police were still able to view the contents of the tape. It depicted a woman recording herself in front of a video camera (seemingly using the same camera the police found in the kitchen). After positioning the camera to include both her and her kitchen stove in the image, the tape then showed her turning on the oven, opening the door, crawling inside, and then closing the door behind her. Eight minutes into the video, the oven could be seen shaking violently, after which point thick black smoke could be seen emanating from it. The camera then continued to stationarily point at the oven for another 45 minutes until the batteries apparantly died.

    To avoid disturbing the local community, police never released any information about the tape, or even the fact that it was found. Police were also not able to determine who put the tape in the well.

    ...or why the physical stature of the woman on the tape did not in any way resemble the stature of the woman found in the oven.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:47 No.5290423
    Kamina threw an extra shirt to Viral. He took off his own sweaty bandages and threw it in the corner by the bed. He pushed down the tight, uncomfortable pants and let his dick flop out.

    Viral had removed his shirt and stared.

    "Dude, why's your dick so big?" he said.

    Kamina looked at it and shrugged. "I don't know. It just got that way."

    "Damn. I wish my dick was that big. What do you eat?"

    Kamina shrugged again. "Same stuff you eat."

    He pulled the new pants up and Viral hesitated a second before he looked away. Kamina got the feeling his friend wanted to say something more. The attention made his dick grow harder.

    "What did you think of Kittan's sisters?" Kamina said.

    "Yeah. They’re hot. Kinon is cute, too. That's what got you so worked up, isn't it?" Viral said, and pointed to his crotch.

    Kamina looked down at the bulge sticking up in his pants and rubbed it.

    "Yeah. I wouldn't mind doing all three of them.

    Viral was staring at Kamina's hand on his crotch. He had a look in his eyes that was familiar. It took him a moment to realize it was the same look of desire he had seen in the eyes of Simon when he looked at his cock.

    "If you could do it with any girl in the Gurren Brigade, who would you pick?" Kamina said.

    Viral finally looked away from his crotch. His face was bright red.

    "What? I don't know. Who would you pick?" he said.

    "I like that red head girl, Yoko Ritona. I like the way she talks. She always wears those really short tight pants. I love to look at her ass," Kamina said.

    Viral was nodding. "Yeah. She's hot."

    "Who would you pick?"

    Viral shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, I kinda like Adiane."
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:49 No.5290432
    "Yeah. She's pretty sexy. I'd do it with her," he said, but she was an odd choice. She was just odd.

    "If you think about it, any girl is ok in the dark."

    "What?" Kamina said.

    "You know, when you turn the lights off, it doesn't matter what the girl looks like, right?"

    Kamina was confused. He wasn't making sense.

    "I guess so," he said.

    "Would you let a guy suck you off?" Viral said.

    Kamina nearly jumped. How could he answer a loaded question like that? What could he say that wouldn't make him sound gay? He couldn't tell him that he'd already let Kittan suck him off.

    "I guess if I kept my eyes closed, or if it was dark, I probably couldn't tell the difference, you know?" he said, and held his breath. Did that sound gay?

    "Yeah, I know," Viral said.

    "Do you think guys suck different from girls?" Viral said.

    "Suck what?" said Kamina

    "You know. A dick."

    "I don't know," Kamina said.

    But he would have loved to tell him that guys definitely suck different from girls.

    "I bet you're right," Kamina said.

    "About what?"

    "I bet I couldn't tell the difference in the dark."

    Viral turned to look at him and suddenly it all made sense. Kamina was a little unnerved. Why didn't he see it sooner? That was why he was checking out his bulge that whole time. Was he really gay? Did he want to have sex with him, or was he just curious to find out what it was like?
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:51 No.5290439
    "So?" Kamina said.

    "What?"

    "You wanna find out?"

    Viral's eyes looked terrified.

    "Find out what?" he said.

    Kamina started to speak, but the words wouldn't come out. Had he gone too far, or assumed too much? His cock was too hard and it was telling him to push it, even if it was against his better judgment.

    Kamina cleared his throat.

    "We can experiment. You know, to see if we can tell the difference," he said.

    Viral's eyes blinked once. His mouth was hanging open.

    "You mean get sucked by a guy?"

    "Yeah."

    "I'm not gay," Viral said.

    "Neither am I," Kamina said.

    As soon as he said it, he had to wonder if it was really true. He had fucked Rossiu and Simon in the ass. That made him gay, didn't it? But he still wanted to fuck girls, especially Yoko, if he ever got the chance. So what did that make him?

    "You just want to experiment, right?" Viral said.

    "Right."

    Kamina leaned back in the chair, which let his constricted cock stretch down the leg of his pants. About half of it stuck out, resting against his thigh. Viral looked down at it and his eyes got wide. He reached over and let his hand rest on it.

    "Ok, but this is just an experiment, right?" he said.

    "Right."

    "It doesn't mean we're gay, right?"

    "Right."
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:52 No.5290446
    The youngest of the three returned to the room fraught and mumbling, but very much awake. All he did was stare at his hands, which were doused with a terrifying amount of red. His pale lips got across only two words, "don't remember." He slept the rest of the day, screaming horrifying sounds of unearthly terror. One of the others watched him that day, until the third returned at night for the shifts to switch. The daysitter promptly passed out.

    a few hours later, the daysitter rose from his sleep. His expressionless face barely moved in pronouncing a list of names, each attached to a fate. As he walked to the door, eyes half-open and gleaming, he ignored the questioning of his companion. The door slammed shut behind him, but that wasn't the last sound.

    Screams. Pleas for help. Racket like the banging of heavy objects against every wall, floor, and ceiling. All the racket echoed through the halls of the hotel.

    And the carpet. It ran with a river of blood.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)00:55 No.5290457
    In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave
    me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind
    ever since.
    “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me,
    “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t
    had the advantages that you’ve had.”
    He didn’t say any more, but we’ve always been unusually communicative in a reserved way,
    and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that. In consequence, I’m inclined to
    reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me
    the victim of not a few veteran bores. The abnormal mind is quick to detect and attach itself to
    this quality when it appears in a normal person, and so it came about that in college I was
    unjustly accused of being a politician, because I was privy to the secret griefs of wild, unknown
    men. Most of the confidences were unsought—frequently I have feigned sleep, preoccupation, or
    a hostile levity when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was
    quivering on the horizon; for the intimate revelations of young men, or at least the terms in
    which they express them, are usually plagiaristic and marred by obvious suppressions. Reserving
    judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget
    that, as my father snobbishly suggested, and I snobbishly repeat, a sense of the fundamental
    decencies is parcelled out unequally at birth.
    >> o-slap 12/29/11(Thu)00:59 No.5290469
         File1325138358.jpg-(72 KB, 600x403, whatisgoingon.jpg)
    72 KB
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:02 No.5290477
    And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I come to the admission that it has a limit.
    Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I
    don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back from the East last autumn I felt that I
    wanted the world to be in uniform and at a sort of moral attention forever; I wanted no more
    riotous excursions with privileged glimpses into the human heart. Only Gatsby, the man who
    gives his name to this book, was exempt from my reaction—Gatsby, who represented
    everything for which I have an unaffected scorn. If personality is an unbroken series of
    successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened
    sensitivity to the promises of life, as if he were related to one of those intricate machines
    that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away. This responsiveness had nothing to do
    with that flabby impressionability which is dignified under the name of the “creative
    temperament.”—it was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have
    never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again. No—
    Gatsby turned out all right at the end; it is what preyed on Gatsby, what foul dust floated in
    the wake of his dreams that temporarily closed out my interest in the abortive sorrows and
    short-winded elations of men.
    My family have been prominent, well-to-do people in this Middle Western city for threegenerations. The Carraways are something of a clan, and we have a tradition that we’re
    descended from the Dukes of Buccleuch, but the actual founder of my line was my
    grandfather’s brother, who came here in fifty-one, sent a substitute to the Civil War, and
    started the wholesale hardware business that my father carries on to-day.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:03 No.5290482
    I never saw this great-uncle, but I’m supposed to look like him—with special reference to
    the rather hard-boiled painting that hangs in father’s office I graduated from New Haven in
    1915, just a quarter of a century after my father, and a little later I participated in that
    delayed Teutonic migration known as the Great War. I enjoyed the counter-raid so
    thoroughly that I came back restless. Instead of being the warm centre of the world, the
    Middle West now seemed like the ragged edge of the universe—so I decided to go East and
    learn the bond business. Everybody I knew was in the bond business, so I supposed it could
    support one more single man. All my aunts and uncles talked it over as if they were
    choosing a prep school for me, and finally said, “Why—ye—es,” with very grave, hesitant
    faces. Father agreed to finance me for a year, and after various delays I came East,
    permanently, I thought, in the spring of twenty-two.
    The practical thing was to find rooms in the city, but it was a warm season, and I had just
    left a country of wide lawns and friendly trees, so when a young man at the office suggested
    that we take a house together in a commuting town, it sounded like a great idea. He found
    the house, a weather-beaten cardboard bungalow at eighty a month, but at the last minute
    the firm ordered him to Washington, and I went out to the country alone. I had a dog—at
    least I had him for a few days until he ran away—and an old Dodge and a Finnish woman,
    who made my bed and cooked breakfast and muttered Finnish wisdom to herself over the
    electric stove.
    It was lonely for a day or so until one morning some man, more recently arrived than I,
    stopped me on the road.
    “How do you get to West Egg village?” he asked helplessly.
    I told him. And as I walked on I was lonely no longer. I was a guide, a pathfinder, an
    original settler. He had casually conferred on me the freedom of the neighborhood.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:05 No.5290487
    And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things
    grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with
    the summer.
    There was so much to read, for one thing, and so much fine health to be pulled down out of
    the young breath-giving air. I bought a dozen volumes on banking and credit and investment
    securities, and they stood on my shelf in red and gold like new money from the mint,
    promising to unfold the shining secrets that only Midas and Morgan and Maecenas knew.
    And I had the high intention of reading many other books besides. I was rather literary incollege—one year I wrote a series of very solemn and obvious editorials for the “Yale
    News.”—and now I was going to bring back all such things into my life and become again
    that most limited of all specialists, the “well-rounded man.” This isn’t just an epigram—life
    is much more successfully looked at from a single window, after all.
    It was a matter of chance that I should have rented a house in one of the strangest
    communities in North America. It was on that slender riotous island which extends itself due
    east of New York—and where there are, among other natural curiosities, two unusual
    formations of land. Twenty miles from the city a pair of enormous eggs, identical in contour
    and separated only by a courtesy bay, jut out into the most domesticated body of salt water
    in the Western hemisphere, the great wet barnyard of Long Island Sound. they are not
    perfect ovals—like the egg in the Columbus story, they are both crushed flat at the contact
    end—but their physical resemblance must be a source of perpetual confusion to the gulls
    that fly overhead. to the wingless a more arresting phenomenon in particular except shape and size.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:06 No.5290491
    Let me tell you about Mary's little secret

    Mary finally bid farewell to her last guest, closing the door to her apartment and turning around to look over the messy room. It had been one wild party; alcohol, Smash Brothers, loud music, Halo, everything that a crazy college bash needed. She had been unsure about hosting it at her place, but nothing had gone wrong... sure, her neighbors would probably hate her tomorrow, but nothing had been broken or ruined and no one had tried to sneak into her bedroom to have sex.

    After a half-hour or so of trying to tidy up the place, she gave in to her weariness and dragged herself to her room. She didn't have a roommate. Sometimes she wished she did so someone could help her pay the rent, but she just couldn't risk it. If any one of her friends ever found out about her secret... her dirty, disgusting secret... she grimaced at the very thought. She'd have to transfer to another school in Alaska or something to escape the shame.

    It felt strange to walk out of her messy living room into her clean and neat bedroom. She walked through to her bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She ran her fingers through her messy red hair and rubbed her hands over her freckled face wearily. She needed a shower, but... whatever, she didn't have work tomorrow and was going to spend the day lying around the house anyway. She went back into her room and prepared to throw herself on the bed.

    At the last second, she stopped herself. Was there... someone already underneath her sheets?
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:07 No.5290496
    She pulled them back nervously. Sure enough, someone was sleeping soundly: it was Stella, a good friend of hers who'd been at the party. There was an empty bottle in her hand... she must've gotten drunk and found her way here to crash. She was sprawled out, her black hair over her face, one of her hands over her D-cup breasts... and her skirt shoved up, leaving her striped panties in full view. Mary turned beet red. She felt a stir in her nether regions, but clamped her legs together to stifle it.

    Well, Stella was her friend. It was okay for her to crash here for the night, right? Mary had a big, comfy couch in the other room to sleep on, it'd be okay... no problem. But Mary didn't move. She couldn't move. Her eyes were glued to those striped panties. She could only pry them away to look her friend over, imagining (as she often did) what it would be like to slip her hands under that blouse... to feel those lips on her own... she was too drunk from the party to wake up, right? Nothing could shake her out of sleep, right? Hardly knowing what she was doing, she reached for those striped panties and began to pull them down.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:08 No.5290507
    Tim,

    I am shocked and APPALLED by the things that you have written here on this so-called "website." I've actually been watching where you've been browsing on the internet after classes and when you're away from the computer, I've been checking up on you. Needless to say, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT THIS CRADLE OF FILTH WEBSITE INTO MY HOUSE.

    It is full of depravity, pornographic images, and questionable depictions of child pornography and god knows what else these heathens here are into. I KNOW that you're reading through this board right now, because I can hear you upstairs in your room. By time you get done reading this message, I expect you downstairs IMMEDIATELY.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:12 No.5290525
    So lately my wife has been working alot of evening shifts, and for the past couple months has been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind, I would rather have someone with her in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems that they have become a little bit more than friends. You know the scenario, the phone calls that hangup, she starts wearing nice clothes to work, talking about him all the time, etc. I don't know what to think. If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for like twenty minutes. I asked her once what they were doing, she said "just talking"....whatever. So last night I decide that I'm going to see what really goes on out there. I leave the garage door open, but turn out all the lights. About the time she usually gets home, I go out and hide in the garage and wait. In a few minutes, his car pulls into my driveway, and I'm hiding behind my bike. When his headlights shine through the garage and onto my bike, I see some thing that I just can't believe. The rear sprocket is already worn and hooked but the chain looks OK. Do you think I should change just the sprocket or the chain and sprocket?
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:31 No.5290585
    >>5290204

    Yeah, considering recent events, I wouldn't put it past someone going to a con and commit a "HIGH SCORE" because of some shenanigans on the internet.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:38 No.5290607
    Hello /cgl/, blindmuteloli guy here again. A lot has happened recently, so brace yourself for impact and for a long read. It was a normal day around the house, in the evening. Melinda reminded me that I needed to stay home from work tomorrow, since I was going to be meeting one of her relatives. Her niece, Angela, was coming to stay with her for a week or so, while her sister went on vacation with her husband. My job was to be there while Melinda was at work to watch over her and Erika. I didn't object at all to the duty, as it gives me an excuse to miss work. And, as Melinda rhetorically asked me, "Who's the bread winner in this family?". It was almost cute how she said "family", and the 3 of us had become somewhat of that. Angela was about Erika's age too, so I was hoping they'd take a liking to each other. And that she wouldn't be a brat, or crazy like her aunt. She drilled it into me though that I had to be there, and I remembered.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:40 No.5290610
    Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her "Apple or GTFO" (cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

    Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the Jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis. God lol'd.

    Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about God for him to fap to.


    New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later, Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday, God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.

    Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school Jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.

    After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:41 No.5290614
    When Stanley Milgram published the results of his obedience experiment in 1963, it sent shockwaves through the scientific community. Other researchers found it hard to believe that people could be so easily manipulated, and they searched for any mistakes Milgram might have made. Charles Sheridan and Richard King theorized that perhaps Milgram's subjects had merely played along with the experiment because they realized the victim was faking his cries of pain. To test this possibility, Sheridan and King decided to repeat Milgram's experiment, introducing one significant difference. Instead of using an actor, they would use an actual victim who would really get shocked. Obviously they couldn't use a human for this purpose, so they used the next best thing — a cute, fluffy puppy.

    Sheridan and King told their subjects — volunteers from an undergraduate psychology course — that the puppy was being trained to distinguish between a flickering and a steady light. It had to stand either to the right or the left depending on the cue from the light. If the animal failed to stand in the correct place, the subjects had to press a switch to shock it. As in the Milgram experiment, the shock level increased 15 volts for every wrong answer. But unlike the Milgram experiment, the puppy really was getting zapped.

    As the voltage increased, the puppy first barked, then jumped up and down, and finally started howling with pain. The volunteers were horrified. They paced back and forth, hyperventilated, and gestured with their hands to show the puppy where to stand. Many openly wept. Yet the majority of them, twenty out of twenty-six, kept pushing the shock button right up to the maximum voltage.

    Intriguingly, the six students who refused to go on were all men. All thirteen women who participated in the experiment obeyed right up until the end.
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:42 No.5290619
    Imagine that you've volunteered for an experiment, but when you show up at the lab you discover the researcher wants you to murder an innocent person. You protest, but the researcher firmly states, "The experiment requires that you do it." Would you acquiesce and kill the person?

    When asked what they would do in such a situation, almost everyone replies that of course they would refuse to commit murder. But Stanley Milgram's famous obedience experiment, conducted at Yale University in the early 1960s, revealed that this optimistic belief is wrong. If the request is presented in the right way, almost all of us quite obediently become killers.

    Milgram told subjects they were participating in an experiment to determine the effect of punishment on learning. One volunteer (who was, in reality, an actor in cahoots with Milgram) would attempt to memorize a series of word pairs. The other volunteer (the real subject) would read out the word pairs and give the learner an electric shock every time he got an answer wrong. The shocks would increase in intensity by fifteen volts with each wrong answer.

    The experiment began. The learner started getting some wrong answers, and pretty soon the shocks had reached 120 volts. At this point the learner started crying out, "Hey, this really hurts." At 150 volts the learner screamed in pain and demanded to be let out. Confused, the volunteers turned around and asked the researcher what they should do. He always calmly replied, "The experiment requires that you continue."
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)01:43 No.5290625
    /cgl/ I never realized how durable the gamecube was until tonight

    I told my girlfriend, who lives (or lived) with me that i was working a double shift and would'nt be home untill 6am

    so i get home and right away i notice the the smell of some cologne i dont wear...i did'nt think much of it since i was tired, but i went to go to sleep (she was in the bethroom at the time) and i notice a condom wrapper on the bed....funny thing is i have never used a condom with her....

    so when she gets out the bathroom i confront her and she spazed out and knocked my ps2 over, picks up my 360 and spikes it to the ground then takes my gamecube spikes it on the ground, picks it back up and throws it at the wall. After that she took my laptop and slamed it on the corner of my a table about 6 times then took some of her shit and left.

    My PS2 wont power on nor will my 360. My laptop powers on but the screen is broken. However my gamecube is perfectly fine....

    Should'nt it be the other way around?? I would have thought a 360 would be more durable, also she spiked the 360 once, but she spiked the gamecube then picked it back up and threw it at the wall....and it's A-ok?

    LOL WUT

    /b/ please try to help me him humor in this

    the PS2 is broke
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)06:37 No.5290865
    >>5290607
    >>5290610
    >>5290614
    >>5290619

    What am I reading?
    >> Anonymous 12/29/11(Thu)08:06 No.5290925
    Yea.... so.. aside from the dump, what are your guy's plans for ALA? You guys got a week left to finish up!



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