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!       LIVE RANT at New York City Revival #16, 1981       !
!   By Rev. Dr. Dr. Pope David N. Meyer III, D.D.S., M.D.  !
+----------------------------------------------------------+


Has life been bending you over lately,
brothers and sisters?  Has it been your night
in the barrel for the last few months?  Have
you been down so long that it looks like up to you?
WELL the problem is NOT a lack of Jesus, nonono.
The problem is NOT a lack of Yahweh.  The
problem is NOT a lack of the Rev. Moon.  The
problem is....a LACK of SLACK.
   What is it we want, children?

     (( Crowd yells "Slack!" ))

   What is it we want?  That's right, we want
   SLACK!
   Slack does EVERYTHING FOR you. SLACK is all
we REALLY WANT.  SLACK gives you room to move,
puts the GLIDE back in your STRIDE.  SLACK brings you
LIFE.  SLACK gives you BRAKES.  Not brakes on
the train or brakes on the car but BREAKS to
make you go insane. NOW!
   The Church of the SubGenius has DIVINE
ORDERS.  Has DIVINE RULES.  The first rule of
the SubGenius Church is, "Too Much Is Always
Better Than Not Enough."  Can I get a TOO MUCH?

    (( Crowd responds: "Too Much!" ))

    The second rule is that the Church of the SubGenius
Church is, "If you can't tell shit from tunafish,
DON'T order seafood ina French Restaurant."
Can I get a French Restaurant?
    The third rule is, "Anyone you see drivin' a
Porsche DOESN'T deserve it."  And the forth
rule is, "If you don't have a sense of humor,
don't TRY to be funny."  Is there any law more
UNIVERSALLY violated?  NO!  Say NO, Children!
    What's gonna become of the society we created,
the society of air conditioners, of station
wagons with wooden sides?  What happens when
that collapses, when your money ain't worth a
damn?
    THAT'S when the Xists come.  But who stands
in the way of the SubGenius?
    The Conspiracy!  The Normals!  The Normals
OPRRESS you.  The NORMALS want you to be
FASHIONABLE.  The NORMALS want to take every
cultural frindges and sell it back to you at a
PRICE.  The NORMALS want you to cut your heart
out and make you EAT it!
    But WHO stands in their way?  WHO STANDS IN
THEIR WAY?

      (( Crowd screams, "BOB!" ))

    That's right Children, "BOB!

  When the Xists come, will they take the Normals
in their polyester clothes?  Will they take the
Normals in their seersucker suits?  NO children NO!
WHO are they gonna take?  THE SUBGENIUS!!
Now, The Conspiracy is everywhere.  It surrounds
you. LOOK AT THAT PANELLING!
  Normally that would be Conspiracy panelling,
Conspiracy floorboards, and ASS-DEADENING
Conspiracy chairs, straight from your high school
gymnasium.  BUT TONIGHT -- those chairs, that
floorboard, that panelling...THEY BELONG TO "BOB"!
They contain SLACK!  They deliver Slack up unto
you YEA VERILY!!  Gimme a SLACK!
  Now, to get Slack you have to take "Bob" into
your heart.  You have to take "Bob" into that
most HOLY of sacred receptacles...your CHECKBOOK.
  When YOU were a kid, you were infected with
that most insidious of American diseases: You
wanted to be POPULAR.  You wanted POPULARITY.
That's what the system always makes you want.
To conform ... to be AS ONE with your little
NOSE-PICKIN' PEERS.
  The Path o' "Bob" lies OUTSIDE network
executives in their $500 suites.  OUTSIDE record
company morons eating $12 hamburgers.  OUTSIDE
bronze reflecting glass buildings in downtown
Dallas housing vice presidents of Texas
Instruments earning 45 thousand dollars a year.
CAN I GET A T.I.??
   Where does the Path o' "Bob" lie?
   The Path o' "Bob" lies in those who can
LAUGH at the fact that NOTHING IS FUNNY anymore.
   But some would say that the myth of Jesus
teaches you to love all men.  But the REAL message
of Jeses is: NEVER FUCK WITH THE WELL CONNECTED.
   And what was Jesus?   Jesus was VERY well
connected.
   The message of Jesus is, when you fuck with
Jesus you get porn.  When you mess with the bull
you get the horn.  That's the real message of
Jesus.  But the message of the Church of the
SubGenius is: DON'T MESS WITH "BOB".
   Now children, WHO were the Israelites?  WELL,
the Rastafarians will tell you that they are the
thirteenth Lost Tribe of Israel, lost and reborn
again in the land of Judea on the west side of
the sea.
   But who was the four FOURTEENTH tribe? THE SUBGENII!
   How did the Fourteenth Tribe come to be in
America today?  Did they come in Winnebagos?
Did they come in Electroglides?  Did they come in
Volkswagon Carmenghias?  NO!
   They came is spaceships from Planet X-9 and
WHERE did they land?  Did they land in Levittown,
New Jersey?  NO!  Did they land in Pine Bluffs,
Wyoming?  HELL NO!
   The SubGenii landed in Dallas, the HOME of
technology, drawn there by the strong odor of
microchips that filtered forth from those bronze
reflecting glass buildings.

  HAIL MICROCHIPS!

  PRAISE TECHNOLOGY!