Official Usenet Alt.Folklore.Urban Frequently Posted Legends

The number of legends posted recently has diminished greatly.  A few
noisy folks are having a great time posting many jokes, random remarks,
irrelevant geography and typography lessons.  PLEASE control yourselves
folks: it's great fun for you, everyone can see what a witty person
you are, but the relative folklore content reduces to vanishing point.

If you must follow-up with a pert one-liner, PLEASE include an Obligatory
Legend as well.  If you don't know one, consider not posting.   Thanks.

However, if you are posting some *facts* (i.e. from a credible documented 
source, not what you heard last month on tv) that are truly relevant to the
discussion, do so with alacrity!  Every month I get dozens of private
e-mail messages that honestly deserve a wider posting on a.f.u.  I
always encourage the sender to post, but due to sidereal time slip
and reduced magnetism under a vacuum, this doesn't always happen.

This is alt.folklore.urban -- the newsgroup where nonsense is re-
vered as an artform, and debunking has been taken to new heights.
The purpose of summarizing these frequently-seen legends,  is  to
record legends, and provide a guide on veracity.

 [some of these 1-liners are > 80 cols; post or e-mail shorter versions!]

Key to one liners below: 
        T = 100% scientific truth
        Tb = believed true, but not conclusively proven
        F = 100% falsehood
        Fb = believed false, but not conclusively proven
        U = unanswered and may be unanswerable
        P = Maybe it didn't happen, but it's scientifically possible
            (used extremely sparingly, where the opposite is expected,
             as it could apply to just about every legend)

THE MISAPPLIANCE OF SCIENCE
T. Some universities, cities are riddled with semi-secret utility tunnels.
T. Coriolis force affects fluids if you take incredible pains to isolate it.
T. Soldiers break step when marching over bridges (trivially observed).
Tb.Microwaving your panties kills yeast infections
U. Bridge falls down if soldiers don't break step when marching over.
Fb.Bridge falls down due to resonance if soldiers don't break step marching
over
   Broughton suspension bridge, England April 14 1831, fell under soldiers 
   march, but prob just overloaded, not resonating. M Brader posted Times
story!
F. Otherwise sound bridge falls down if soldiers don't break step marching
over.
   (There have been no documented instances of this)
F. Bath water drains the other way round in other hemisphere, due to Coriolis.
F. Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
F. Same as above, but pool not library, weight of water, not books.
F. Coloring your CD rim with special marker will enhance sound quality.
F. People explode or boil or something when exposed to the vacuum of space.
F. Eelskin wallet demagnetizes bank cards (nope, but magnetic clasp might).  
T. Venus and perhaps a few other bright stars/planets can be seen in daylight.
F. Daylight sky appears dark enough to see stars from bottom of deep well.
F. Bubbles in bubble wrap contain a cheap, but toxic gas.
U. East German secret police "bug" factory now uses skills to make hearing
aids
F. Hot-drying acid-washed jeans "re-activates" the acid (Nope, but might
shrink)
F. Ontario Hydro mandates poor installation,so copper fails as often as
Aluminum
T. Fluorescent light will light up when held near high-voltage line.
Tb. Leather saddles used to be treated with llama dung to avoid scaring horses
Tb. The spec. for leather saddles got copied for leather jackets...
T. 3M "post-its" were invented & marketed as an unofficial project

THE 'PLANE TRUTH (WHAT GOES UP...)
Tb.Dumbass pilots occasionally land on tiny strip short of correct airport
T. F51D plane can flip due to engine torque. (A. Frisbie posted pilot's
manual!)
T. Radar emissions can kill birds, sterilize sailors, fry other small mammals.
Tb.US Govt fixed plane transponders always report positions (catch drug
imports)
T. The airforce tests planes by firing chickens from special birdcannon.
U. Person fitted rocket/JATO unit to car, embedded in rockface at first bend.
Tb Cessna planes aren't sold in the US anymore due to threat of liability
suits.
T. Beechcraft, Piper and Mooney still make & sell planes in the US however...
T. Secret code for a hijack is "TRANSPONDER SEVEN FIVE ZERO ZERO".
F. The Great Wall of China can be seen with the naked eye from the moon.
F. Shuttle crew did secret experiment on how to make love in zero gravity.

DOES NOT COMPUTE
T. Apple use a Cray to design hardware systems; Cray use an Apple...
T. Prodigy grabs large sectors of the disk, containing data from deleted
files.
F. Prodigy slyly reads your disk & nefariously uploads your top secrets to IBM
F. Stories about Seymour Cray's strange hobbies (annual boat burning etc).
F. The FCC is proposing a modem tax (Nope, the proposal died in 1987)
U. Bill Gates has $mega Porsche he can't use; no type compliance,no license!
U. New computer system "lost" a Montgomery Ward Calif warehouse for 3 years...

STUPID PROFESSOR TRICKS
T. Prof wrote "unsolvable" problems on board;late student did them for
homework!
Fb.Student cheats on exam, asks "do you know who I am?",jams paper in exam
pile!
Fb.Professor jostled; misses watch; grabs back from jostler; later finds at
home
STUPID PEOPLE TRICKS
T. Craig Shergold, UK cancer kid,sought postcards, overwhelmed with 33
million.
T. Craig Shergold UK health plan wouldn't operate; Kluge paid; tumor was
benign!
T. Hubbard started Scientology after Heinlein bet he couldn't found a
religion.
T. The beggars with "will work for food" signs are just extra sympathy scams.
T. People have been injured by rocking a vending machine, which falls on them.
Fb.Man's house demolished after friend placed ad in paper for a joke.
Fb. US GI captures Iraqi soldier - they knew each other from Chicago.
F. Special chemical for swim pools, turns bright color on contact with urine.
F. Proctor and Gamble's smiling moon logo reflects satanic ties.(Nope, it
doesn't)
F. Universal Product Codes (computer readable bar-codes) are marks of Satan.
F. Half the stupid stories the "twin piques" Ann Landers & Dear Abby reprint.
F. College roommate commits suicide, gets you an automatic "A" for courses.
F. "3 Men & a Baby" has a scene with a real ghost in it.
F. Wife sprays toilet with flammable bug spray, husband shits, smokes,
explodes.
F. "Blue star" or cartoon character "tattoos" laced with LSD sold at schools. 

Fb.Aluminum ring pull tabs can be collected & exchanged for dialysis machines.
F. Chanting "Mary Worth" before a mirror summons dead spirit at slumber
parties.
U. You can catch diseases (crabs, lice, herpes, VD, etc) from public toilets.
Fb.Male athlete submits wife's pee to cheat drug test; test shows he's
pregnant.

MENTAL DENTAL STUFF
F. Tourist's room is burgled, later finds snaps of "toothbrush up thief's ass"
T. Some combinations of metal tooth fillings can receive radio signals

LEWD FOOD
T. Lead leaches from lead crystal decanters into drinks;this is not good for
you
Tb. Eating carrots may improve night vision, because of large amounts of Vit
A.
Tb. Microwaved food is better (other cooking allegedly creates carcinogens)
Tb. Eating celery takes more energy than its digestion yields.
U. Mick Jagger used a Mars bar as a dildo on nubile pop loon Marianne Faithful
F,T,T,U.Fast food places use unusual ingredients: worm, 'roo meat, seaweed,
rat.
F. Stranger at restaurant eats your cookies, you grab, later find you took
his.
F. Cook cheated into buying Mrs Fields' recipe, gets revenge by spreading it.
F. Aspirin and Coca-Cola taken together get you high. (Nope. May cause
insomnia)
F. Fluorescent lights leach vitamins from your body
F. Drinking distilled water is bad for you since you don't get "trace
minerals"
F. Green M&M's ("Smarties" in UK and Canada) are an aphrodisiac
F. Red M&M's are a carcinogen (Nope, they used red dye #5,not dangerous #2)
F. Ingesting a tapeworm will help you slim, so people do this regularly
U. CIA (and other gov't) snackbars are staffed by blind people (security?)
F. Grape seeds can get caught in your appendix and give you appendicitis.
T. British Army doses water with bromide(for purification),soldiers say
it's...
U. ... to supress soldiers' libidos. US Army salts their peters with
saltpeter.

SNUFF MOVIES
Note to the new reader: please don't send or post e-mail saying "snuff movies
*could* exist, because people are naughty enough" - this is not in dispute;
the point is that no examples have yet come to light.  Until someone shows
evidence of their existence, snuff films are in the same category as UFO's,
the Loch Ness monster, and the lost city of Atlantis -- i.e. "believed false."
T. A film is a "snuff film" only if the film is the *purpose* of the murder.
Tb.The Feds, Cops, CIA etc have never actually found a real snuff film.
Fb. "Snuff films" actually exist (Nope, tho' there are various wannabe fakes)

HIDE THE SALAMI
T. Nelson Rockefeller died of cardiac arrest while porking the help.
T. Mad doctor in Ohio cut off womens' clitoral hoods while operating on them.
T. People put assorted objects up their asses, get stuck, removed in hospital.
T. Groupies took plaster casts of pop singers' schlongs, inc Hendrix's
whacker.
Tb.Adolf Hitler only had one testicle.  Immortalized in many a kid's rhyme.
U. Well-known media personality put a gerbil up his ass for "wriggly furry
fun"
U. Well-known male pop star rushed from concert, stomach pumped free of semen.
T. Some psychotics have taped the murder of their victims.
F. In Nigeria, roving gangs of thieves may surreptitiously steal mens' dorks.
F. Gangster John Dillinger's long wang is pickled in a jar at/near
Smithsonian.
F. Spanish fly (Cantharides) is aphrodisiac (actually genital tract irritant).
F. Woman tied naked to bed, man in superhero costume with broken leg in closet
Fb.Hetero couple get stuck together while coupling.  Separated at hospital.
F. One night stand, goes early, leaves message that partner will get AIDS.
F. Student is regularly nocturnally chloroformed by roommate, for sodomy.
F. `Baghdad Betty' told US army that Bart Simpson was sleeping with their
wives.
T. Masturbator's penis in hose chopped by fan blade of Hoover Dustette
cleaner.
T. This is dubbed the legend of "the Cleaner and the Leaner Wiener".
Tb.Would-be rapist steals kisses; one Calif victim bit a piece off his tongue.
F. Man fills wife's lover's convertible car with concrete.
T. Man fills wife's womb with air during cunnilingus; perishes due to
embolism.
U. Woman slits guy's scrotum, sticks straw in, and blows; he gets off on it...
Tb. The alleged guy in the previous story came from Berkeley, needless to say.
F. Woman impregnated while swimming, due to sperm loose in pool.
F. Woman impregnated when hit by bullet that shot Civil War soldier's
testicles.
Tb.Virgin birth happens occasionally in circumstances too bizarre to state.
F. Silicone breasts expand under low pressure (e.g. airline stewardesses on
job)
U. Mother threatens to discipline kid;kid threatens to squeal on mom's
fellatio.

DISNEY DEMENTIA
T. Disney parks are riddled with secret tunnels and surveillance equipment.
T. "Little Mermaid" video cover features good drawing of penis. Prank?
Revenge?
T. There is a basketball hoop at the top of the Matterhorn replica.
T. Male Disneyites may not grow beards (& many other petty rules for women
too)
T. There is a secret "Club 33" serving hard liquor,in New Orleans
Sq,Disneyland.
T. Clerics in their robes are admitted to Disneyland at concessionary rates.
T. Wheelchairs & 1 attendant go to the front of the line for rides.
Tb. Disney ripped off Orlando county, thru grabbing Federal road funds
T. Woman alleges clit-tickling by one third of 3 Little Pigs; case thrown out
F. Three little pigs clit-tickled law-suit happy babe, with non-mobile arms.
F. Child disappears from Disneyland, found with new haircut, dyed by abductor.
U. SF writer Harlan Ellison fired from Dismalland after porn joke on Mickey.

GOVERNMENT AND OTHER CONSPIRACIES (BOB'S YOUR UNCLE)
T. Govt forces birdseed to be irradiated to stop hemp seed germinating
T. A.J.Balfour appt'd Secretary Ireland by Uncle Bob.Nepotism? Bob's your
uncle.
T. The CIA, NSA and 11 different secret govt organizations tap & bug
everything
T. Princess Anne was only female competitor not given sex test in 1976
Olympics.
T. No matter how ill, gay, deaf, or demented you acted, draft board had you
1-A.
T. London doctor struck off for inveigling Turkish peasants to donate a
kidney.
P. VP Bush persuaded Iranians to delay hostage release to aid Reagan election.
U. Govt has secret plan to replace the currency overnight to foil drug barons.
F. Guy wakes up in Big City, a kidney has been stolen from him!
Tb. CIA radio transmits spoken five digit code numbers to operatives worldwide
Tb. You can send a coconut thru the mail without any further wrapping. Yowser!
Tb. Some change-making machines can be fooled by photocopies of currency.
T. The NSA shortened the key length on DES.
U. The NSA shortened the key length on DES so they could crack everyone's
codes.

WILD LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
Fb.Airbag in car can give you acid-burn on the face when it deploys.
U. Driver sets cruise control, wrongly believes it steers too!  Crashes...
U. Tree-lined French avenue triggers epileptic fits by flickering light at
11Hz.
U. New car rattles -- note found in door frame from factory saboteur...
T. Montana & Wyoming have a token $5 fine for exceeding Federal 55mph limit.
T. Mongo-power engine installed in weenie-looking car.  Blows off Corvettes.
T. John Somebody-or-other had a car called "the Beast" with 27lt Spitfire
engine
T. It eventually took off, and self-destructed on the A27 outside Brighton.  
T. Special equipment can transmit any reading you want to police radar gun.
T. Nobody knows what happened to Evel Knievel, 70's daredevil, nobody cares.
T. There are traffic lights with green on top in a few Irish neighborhoods.
T. You can be guilty of DUI on a bicycle, horse, perambulator, etc most
places.
T. Guy in Los Alamos labs fitted a jet engine to Honda Civic, ran on salt
flats.
Fb.Man working on roof ropes himself to car on other side;wife drives
off.Splat.
T. The "man on roof" appeared on a home video show in UK.  Believed to be
staged.
F. Hitchhiker disappears, is ghost of person killed years ago in road
accident.
F. Valuable classic car sold for pittance by (1) grieving parents of war dead
F,U (2) spouse of errant husband (3) heirs of person who died and rotted in
it.
F. A psycho's handhook hanging from the cardoor, broken off as couple drove
away
F. Carthief squashed dead in stolen BMW by collapsing freeway in '89 SF quake
F. Driving barefoot is illegal (Nope, but it's dumb to goad cops, legal or no)

ANIMAL CRACKERS
T. Armadillos can contract leprosy;
U. Armadillos can spread leprosy to humans.
Tb. In Texas real men wrassle with armadilloes (small harmless animals)
T. Tigers don't attack natives who wear rubber mask of face on back of head.
T. Chickens are easily mesmerised. Whoopee.
U. 7 Hz is resonant frequency of chicken skull cavity.  So?
T. Fainting goats are real.  Crimony!
Fb. Cow tipping (pushing over a sleeping cow) has happened
Tb. Cow-tipping is just a bunch of hocus pocus to beguile city kids.
U. Dog put in microwave to dry out- dies gruesome death/lives to bark again.
Fb. Otter, newly-released after $50K Valdez clean-up, is eaten by whale
Fb. Horse falls thru bottom of trailer, legs ground to stumps
Fb. Driver runs over exotic animal,wraps in coat for fun photo;revives,runs
off!
Fb. Trapper ties dynamite to coyote, releases; coyote runs under his
car/house.
Fb. Farmer asks hunter to shoot mule; other hunter shoots another mule too.
F. People found a rat in Mexico and brought it home thinking it was a dog.
F. A Doberman choking on fingers that it bit off burglar hidden in closet
F. Dead rabbit nextdoor dug up by dog; washed, put in cage by frantic
dogowner.
F. Seagulls explode when you feed them Alka-Seltzer or rice.
F. Guinea pigs' eyes fall out if you hold them up by their tails.
T. Guinea pigs actually *do* have small stumpy vestigial tails.
F. Sprinkle salt on a bird's tail to catch it by preventing it flying away.
T. If the bird let you get close enough to salt its tail, you could grab it.
F. The scent of wolf dung terrifies dogs, so disposal by zoos is regulated.
F. Fox frees itself of fleas by gradual immersion, shifting fleas to lintball.

ARTHROPOD CRACKERS
T. "Killer" African bees are swarming into Texas from down South.
T. A lot of people have found live or dead insects in their fast food snacks.
T. Cockroaches love coffee, live in TV's, too often get in your cup or food.
T. There aren't a lot of insect legends when you get right down to it.
Tb.Arthropods just aren't the stuff legends are made off, I guess.
T. Insect lays eggs in open wound; months later baby insects eat their way
out.
F. Cactus shakes, then explodes with hundreds of scorpions/spiders 
F. Explorer gets bug in ear; bug eats thru to other ear; gave birth on way...
F. Bugs congregate in the pointy ends of bananas, so discard before eating.
U. Termites relay secret signals from Jupiter; awaiting the moment to attack.

These and other fine legends can be found in the books of William Poundstone
("Big Secrets", "Bigger Secrets"),  Jan Harold Brunvand ("The Vanishing
Hitchhiker", "Curses! Broiled Again"), and Cecil Adams ("The Straight
Dope", "More of the Straight Dope").  I especially like the "in-your-face"
style of Cecil Adams, and commend it to other readers.  Cecil doesn't shy
away from calling a spade a bloody big shovel.

An urban legend:
    * appears mysteriously and spreads spontaneously in varying forms
    * contains elements of humor or horror (the horror often "punishes"
      someone who flouts society's conventions).
    * makes good storytelling.

------

Unbounded thanks to: Tom Neff, Mark Brader, Raymond Chen, Scott Deerwester, 
all the Terry's (except Terry S. Johnson of Hainault, England): Monks, Wood, 
Chan, etc., Alan Frisbie, Wendy Howard, Randall Schwartz, Ken Shirriff, Dwight

Tovey, my librarian sister Anne, and my super-hyper-active Dalmatian dog
Pixel. 

FAQ list by Peter van der Linden, Feb 1991.
Last updated: June 5, 1991, PvdL.

Peter van der Linden     linden@eng.sun.com   
           I just got a *really large* wrecking bar.  
Does anyone have something delicate that needs adjusting?