34 msgs. on The Petting Zoo. Start listing at? 1 (1) Don't feed the animals.... (2) RE: Don't feed the animals.... (3) RE: Don't feed the animals.... (4) RE: Don't feed the animals.... (5) RE: Don't feed the animals.... (6) RE: Don't feed the animals.... (7) Next... (8) RE: Next... (9) RE: Next... (10) RE: Next... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^10),? :1 Subj: Don't feed the animals.... (1/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< You find yourself strolling aimlessly about in a rather pleasant park in the middle of nowhere... After following the pebble path through the shady trees for several hours, you eventually trip over a prak bench and are nearly run over by a runaway hot dog stand of some sort... Suddenly, you find yourself in parts unfamiliar to you: A small, white picket fence lines the edge of the path through the murky woods -- with small name plates suspended in front of it in certain places. The ones closest to you read "The kindly Siberian Tiger", "The Giant Alligator", and "The humble Army Ants". A fountain to the side of you holds sharks, sea urchins and merry pirahna of all shapes and sizes which happily swim about in the crystal clear waters -- and a hive of Killer Bees hums softly as you pass by.... You notice a sign above a metal gate which you passed by that reads: "Doctor Wombat's Petting Zoo" " " " Enter at your own risk... " Shaking your head somewhat, you decide to have a seat on a rather hungry looking park bench and pet a cuddly porcipine before you go any further.... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^1),? : Subj: RE: Don't feed the animals.... (2/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< Gumby ( the unkindly lover of Carnivorous Plants) appears around the corner. "Can I eat....er- help you?" "I mean... would like to buy peanuts?..... you know... for the furniture?" Gumby the Sane [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^2),? : Subj: RE: Don't feed the animals.... (3/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Sun, Jun 3, 1990 0:37:43 From a somewhat more secluded area of the park, the kindly Doctor Wombat strolls out, leading a bunch of pre-kindergarteners von the Little Red School House in Berlin into the Carnivorous Cow exhibit... He pets Bob's nuzzle as the little children eagerly walk in to pet the friendly beast.... "Hmm - that's funny, I would have figured that Zane would have gotten here already with that Hot Dog Stand of his... I am getting awfuly hungry -- and a nice fried Poodle would hit the spot....." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Hearing a gunfight outside near the apartments....) [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^3),? : Subj: RE: Don't feed the animals.... (4/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Sun, Jun 3, 1990 11:11:14 Suddenly (as if on cue, imagine that?) several rounds from an energy weapon pierce the trees, setting several bush fires and stirring up the bees to an almost lethal frenzy. From out of a restricted area of the zoo, you hear the thundering of concussion grenades as a large Hot Dog Stand breaks out of the greenery and onto the pebbled path. Aboard the stand, sitting astride a crate of dynamite and holding a Zippo (tm) in one hand, Zane pulls a funnel down from the stand's parasole which is connected to a garden hose: "All stop" he yells into the funnel and the stand skids to a halt in front of Wombat's toddling group. "Ok, tracking computer off. But keep an eye out for that wooley mammoth, he's a stubborn one." Zane mumbles as a female voice answers back "Weeeeelll, ok boss. But YOUR the one who said he'd like Kibbles and Bits (tm). Infared tracking is now off-line, Have a nice day." Zane jumps off the stand and pushes a rather large pink button mounted on it's control panel, at which point a mechanized hand weilding a paint brush and a pick begins to carve and paint a menu into a nearby 100 year oak: The Stand Hot dog...............................1.50 Hot dog w/ meat ......................2.00 Cooked hot dog .......................2.25 Cooked hot dog w/ meat................2.75 X-tras (1.50 each) Ketchup, Mustard, Relish, Chili, Sourkraut, Not-so-sour Kraut, Really-sour Kraut, Bun, Plate, Ball bearings, Benzine, Acetone, Staples, Power, Cruise, Tilt, AM/FM Stereo Cassette, Broken Glass, Postage & Handling "Ok kids, what'll it be?" [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^4),? : Subj: RE: Don't feed the animals.... (5/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Sun, Jun 3, 1990 23:09:09 The kindly Doctor, somewhat disturbed by Zane's promptness, looks at the sign in the tree and shakes his head a bit.... "Well, Sam Houston would probably have done the same thing if he were alive today...", he says, removing the historical marker and such which labels the oak as the tree where Sam and Napoleon signed the treaty to end the Spanish American War... Then, after looking over the menu, the kindly Doctor looks at Zane and then orders.... "Well, if you've got any of those Eastern Airlines Meal-packets with the reprocessed algae and the swamp gord ooze, I'll take that with a bottle of coke mixed with stomache acid and some DNA ligase...." The marsupial then digs in his hand bag and pulls out some fiberglass to feed to the tasmanian devils which roam freely around the park... - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Then again, we could feed the pigeons some alka-seltzer and point them in the direction of the bird bath....) [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^5),? : Subj: RE: Don't feed the animals.... (6/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< Imsa GT... who just happens to be lost, saunters up to the Hot Dog Stand (*tm) and peers quisically at the menu. "Hmmm any specials. I sure could go for the Wallaby Burrito Supreme... that is if you still have the regurgitated sphagnum from last years unearthing of the One True Potato at the Radio City Music Hall?... Relish... no thanks.. I already have smegma." With that.. the homely child walks by the Kindly Doctor and sticks a label to his butt that reads: Censor This [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^6),? : Subj: Next... (7/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Mon, Jun 4, 1990 15:58:26 Having already extracted a rather tasty-smelling Doberman from the stand with a pair of sinister-looking tongs, Zane looks over his shoulder at the 'good' Doctor, "I have some of those Dramamine-fortified packets from People airlines with the tofu cubes on melba toast and the bowls of predigested protein (having no idea who previously digested it..and wanting it to stay that way)" reaching his other hand into the stand and coming out with what looks like a clear lawn & leaf bag nearly bursting with wholesome goodness and tossing it in Wombat's general direction, "I also have a recumbant DNA shake that will not only pick you up...but body-slam you into the nearest wall and haunt your family line for hundreds of generations to come." carefully filling a metal tumbler with a primordial soup of some sort and mixing it under a Mercruiser 180hp inboard till it has a head on it that looks remarkably like Clint Eastwood and handing it to Wombat with a pair of asbestos gloves, "Drink up...and don't spill it, unless you want another exhibit." Then, looking down at Imsa GT, Zane whips out a broomstick that has been shaved to a fine point and impales the doberman on it. He then gets out his handy-dandy Jack The Ripper make-up kit and dresses it up to look just like a radiation mutated cow that was genetically altered to resemble a wallaby when looked at through the bottom of a coke bottle, which he hands to Imsa, "Here kid, eat hearty; then turning to Wombat, "That'll be 15 dollars, plus tax" [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^7),? : Subj: RE: Next... (8/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Wed, Jun 6, 1990 17:59:34 The kindly Doctor accepts the gifts from Zane and quickly pours both down the back of Gumby and then pulls out what looks very much like one of those clipboards that the Census Takers carry around with them... "First, it's time to pay your rent an Local Monopoly on Food Franchises tax to me....", the mad Doctor says handing the bill to Zane with a diabolical look... "Unless you would rather deal with my accounts at a later date...". The kindly Doctor then points out what looks like Kenny Briener and Rocky Pneumonia walking along the pebbled path complaining about the lack of privacy the two of them get and how annoying it is to have to be able to put up with employers without resorting to physical violence... Quickly, he puts on his Stomped Puppy suit along with a T-shirt that reads "If you believe in credit then loan me five bucks..." and offers other stomped puppy outfits to the rest of the edible(?) crew... "Now, I know it will be difficult to resist killing them, but if we could net them and stick them in the rabbied rabbit pin or the Munchie pin for a couple of weeks, the federal government might just overlook all those taxes that we haven't paid in the past dozen years or so...." With that, the kindly Doctor staggers after the two with a bear trap and something that looks like a sink welded onto the top of a smashed in buick.... - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^8),? : Subj: RE: Next... (9/34) From: Doctor Goodnight #1 Last on: 7/1/90 Date: Thu, Jun 7, 1990 1:35:20 Gumby, looking somewhat bemused at the whole spectacal, jumps into his puppy stomping suit and follows the kindly Doctor. "...but Doc.. if we don't kill them, won't the IRS take away K(G)Bs puters and all his software for not claiming them as Capital Gains on his income tax form?" Gumby [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^9),? : Subj: RE: Next... (10/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Fri, Jun 8, 1990 9:30:03 Feeding the bill to a nearby bush (and almost losing a thumb in the process), Zane narrows one eye at Wombat "You said I had free run of the place. The only restriction was that I couldn't start serving the exhibits...period. Besides, I'm giving you a discount, those normally go for 20 bucks." jerking his thumb toward the menu, "That's cheap." deliberatly being as vague as possible to avoid any legal entanglements. Zane then eyes the two pedestrians and hears doc's call-to-arms; "All ahead one quarter impulse, starboard 56 degrees 32 minutes 10 seconds." he mumbles into the funnel as he jumps aboard and lights a stick of dynamite, "Trying to quit smoking, makes me tense.." he says around the charge of TNT hanging from his lip as the stand lumbers forward and makes a sharp angle to the right, heading straight for the duo. "Arm Pronoun Torpedos, set prepositional phrasers on stun, and warm up the retractor beam......engage." [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^10),? : Subj: RE: Next... (11/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Fri, Jun 8, 1990 16:21:11 The kindly Doctor stares at Gumby as if he's lost a couple of brain cells since he last talked to him... "No, they'd lock the two of them up with those poor excuses for a doorstop and try not to watch them too closely when they're in the shower together..." With that, the kindly Doctor passes Gumby and cat that looks like it we run over repeatedly before it was lamenated and spray painted a nice green color before it got stiff... "I'll distract them -- you club 'em over the head... And don't -- whatever you do -- say the word anal fixation around them... They might get excited...." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Putting his Marvin solar shades on....) [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^11),? : Subj: RE: Next... (12/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Fri, Jun 8, 1990 16:27:28 Deciding that Zane's going to have a hard time torturing the duo after they're blown to bits, the kindly Doctor strips off the Stomped Puppy Battle suit and pulls out a megaphone with a picture of Tammy Fae drawn on the outside as well as 'Elvis was here' scrawled on it in tiny, crabbed handwriting... "ANAL FIXATION! ANAL FIXATION!!!", he yells, distracting the two before Zane can lob the TNT at them. Without delay, the two begin acting as if they were two dogs in heat and are halfway into their routine before the blast goes off -- distracting them even more... The kindly Doctor looks at Gumby and shrugs.... - the kindly Doctor Wombat "Ever notice how good things come in twos... Rock and Rave, Juggy and Defacer, Kenny and the DD...." [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^12),? : Subj: RE: Next... (13/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< Re 12 Gumby, looking somewhat surprised at the whole situation, pushes a button on the Hot Dog Stand inconspicuously marked "FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY"... Suddenly.... the entire cast finds itself on a Desert Island in the south pacific. Large sharks swim lazily in the sundrenched waters. A man in a large orange coat wanders up to the kindly Dr. "Ahhhh my friend.... smiles everyone ...smiles...." Gumby [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^13),? : Subj: RE: Next... (14/34) From: Condomed Mad Dog #58 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Tue, Jun 12, 1990 0:14:09 "Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Willy Wonka and welcome to my island of many scantily cladded G-string delights. Coconut oil and towels extra. No compulsive masturbators or gerbil-lovers allowed." He leads you past the oasis of chocolate Yoohoo, past the half Kristie Brinkley/ half Kenny Breiner sex robot harem, and settles you down next to the forest of crunchy pubic hairs." Condomed Mad Dog -- touch my monkey and die [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^14),? : Subj: RE: Next... (15/34) From: Zen Master #10 Last on: 6/30/90 Date: Tue, Jun 12, 1990 8:37:02 After some time of sitting in the sun waiting for WW to return with your drinks you begin to feel dizzy and reality (or the lack thereof) begins to fade...... As you come back to reality (or is it?) you find yourself in a rather dimly lit and smoke-filled bar. It seems that you are the only people presently in the bar except for a few roaches. The kindly Doctor, suddenly realizing where he is, jumps up from his chair and vaults for the door screaming, "NO!, not McDonaldland again!!!". Zane ponders this for a second then steps up to the bar and orders a McRoach McBurger with McRatdroppings Fries from the hear barkeep...which appears to be a rather large cockerspaniel on the other side of the bar, "Got any hair McNuetons?". Zen Master [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^15),? : Subj: RE: Next... (16/34) From: Robocop #6 Last on: 6/24/90 Date: Tue, Jun 12, 1990 19:47:49 14 Man, that message just goes right with the flow of things. Robo esn [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^16),? : Subj: RE: Next... (17/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Wed, Jun 13, 1990 3:27:46 The kindly Doctor instantly pulls out his 'Automatic Set changer' and lauches everyone to the Bored... "Ahh - that's better... Here comes out host now...." With that, the marsupial points at a 40 year old,semi-bald-semi-gray headed man who, aside from looking very hicksih, seems to be carrying around a very big ego with him... Next to him is his bat-like follower who grins at the group evilly.... "Welcome to MY PRIVATE HELL!! There will be NO naughty words -- no abuse -- and NO ONE pointing out my errors since I make none... I AM RULER OF ALL OF MODEMLAND and my knowledge is infinite...." Before anyone can cover thir ears any longer, the kindly Doctor pulls out a rather vicious looking needle and pricks K(G)B's ego... Reducing him to dwarfdom... "Well, don't just stand there -- torment him...." - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^17),? : Subj: RE: Next... (18/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Wed, Jun 13, 1990 14:44:31 Zane drops off the stand and engages the 'shoplifting atomizer' as he slides up to a nearby machine. The machine is a very large one of the vending catagory with a sign reading 'Please deposit 50 cents' and a soda-can-shaped hole at the bottom. Being rather thirsty, Zane digs in his pockets for several agonizing hours, and comes up with a couple of quarters...which he then inserts. "Thank You" another sign lights up in bright neon, then fades. Zane waits for several seconds, staring at the opening intently. But then things begin to make sense, depressing Zane even more. At which point he begins to pull bottles of drano out of his satchel and down them at an alarming rate. "I hat it when this happens." he says as he stumbles over to the Geriatric Duo and satches the leader up by his collar, causing a very large chip to fall of the victims shoulder and land on Wombat's foot. "You know.....I have but one thing to say to you....." Zane manages to mumble before he opens balding man's collar and vomits down the front of his Spiderman Underoos. Closing the man's now-loaded shirt and buttoning the coller, Zane puts him violently back in his chair (causing it to creak with a frustrated sound much like a baby being fed something it knows it won't like) "Thank you, I needed that." [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^18),? : Subj: RE: Next... (19/34) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Wed, Jun 13, 1990 21:15:02 "No problem", says Spiderman. He looks up startled, "fu.." is all he can muster, when all of a sudden he is encased in a think, vice-like spider-web, and finds himself hanging upside down from the rafters of a video game arcade. He sees the coke machine 40 feet below him, his change falling out of the slot to the ground. A little monkey comes by and picks up the change, and you hear the sound of an organ grinder get louder, as the monkey's owner comes to collect the coins. People are buying the quarters for a dollar, and then playing video games against the monkeys as the competition. "I see you have been busy, Dr. Wombat", you say to the organ grinder. Dr. Wombat turns his face up to the rafters, and laughs fiendishly, Ahhhahahaha !!! At the sound of his laugh, you see that all the zoo animals are the ones that were playing against the monkeys in the first place, and that you are the only human in the entire place the whole time. The quarters they were buying were really banana slices, and evertime they shoved a banana slice into the coin slot of the video game, a snake on the other side would eat it... ....you close your eyes tight... You are now Dr. Wombat, and you hear yourself say... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^19),? : Subj: RE: Next... (20/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< say, "My god that thing is big! I want to touch it." He reaches over and touches the monkey. It sprouts fangs and bites off his hand. [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^20),? : Subj: What is your quest??? (21/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Thu, Jun 14, 1990 10:44:18 Zane looks up from a nearby bowl of peanuts he was trying to organize as his Granola Coalition, "Say....if you look at him juuuuuuust right.." turning his head sideways and partially closing one eye, "...he looks like a wasp's nest with legs." he announces returning to his campaign with the peanuts "And remember, never judge a nut by it's husk.." [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^21),? :+O [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^21),? : Subj: Nuts & Husks (22/34) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Thu, Jun 14, 1990 18:43:50 "...never judge a nut by it's [sic] husk...". He then returns to play with his nuts, and found that the monkey had stolen them, leaving nothing but the empty hunks behind... Zane sits, staring blankly at the husks, as they sprout legs and feelers and begin scurry in all directions. One of the crawels up Zanes leg and touches his monkey. "Touch my monkey and you die Bastard !!!", he shreaks as he pulls out his Uzi autimatic machine pistol and fires 20 rounds in the directtion of the peanut insect... ...the smoke clears and there is blood... The monkey is dead... The peanuts lie by his side... Dr Wombat peels a banana and offers it to the dead monkey, while you follow Zane down the darkened alley outside. You seem to be floating, even gliding along the sidewalk when you realise that you were hit by a car as you exited the alley in such a hurry. You remember only the stars.... ...You wake up, "Where am I ??" ..."In my laboratory", you hear from a familiar vice. ...You're vision is still blurry as you fight to focus on... on... Toonces the Cat, holding a set of keys to a Jaguar ZZZ and a 44 mag revolver, Dirty Harry style. Next to him, on a hospital gurney, lies the dead monkey. "Yes, this is my laboratory, where I will bring Schmenkie the Monkey back to life!!!" You turn to see Dr. Wombat hovering over an elaborate complex of machinery, a satellite dish, and a pickle barrel. "Get in the barrel, Zane.", Dr Wombat demands. "I need a good brain for the experiment, and your will do nicely..." Hahahahaha... Just as Dr Wombat was about to make to opening incision, THE FLASH OF LASERS APPEAR as the rest of the "Surgery Elite" burst through the titanium wall that surrounds the lab. You are saved... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^22),? : Subj: RE: Next... (23/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Fri, Jun 15, 1990 23:49:54 "Get a REAL job, moe....", the kindly Doctor says to the delusionary 'story' monkeys which we're all too, too familiar with... With that, the kindly Doctor Wombat slaps Zane and Dr. G. awake and points to the driving cat with an evil glint in his eye... "Yah know, he'd make a really good door mat", Wombat says, pulling out an IGR device to make sure that the cat is spade/neutered/IGRed. "How about we run him over a few times and see how well his skull can hold out under the pressure of a Titan Dump truck's tires...." With that, the kindly Doctor calls his skinhead zookeepers who promptly surround the demented animal... "And if you're not up to that, lawn darts and the old Lawn Mower of Death trick are still open..." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Digging a hole so that only Tooces or whoever's head will be sticking out to face the lawn mower....) [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^23),? : Subj: Toonces' Grave... (24/34) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Sun, Jun 17, 1990 20:17:21 ...just as the Evil... er.. kindly Doctor Wombat is about to pull the switch on the IGR device, A burst of light blinds everone in the room! There is thick smoke... people are screaming... Arms and legs are lying all over the place... And Toonces is gone, along with all Doctor Wombat's skinhead zookeepers... Toonces was just an android replicant, programmed to explode when even the slightest danger was measured... He escaped in the same manner that allowed him to survive all those 1,000 foot drops over the cliffs... Safe, back in his own laboratory, Toonces watched Doctor Wombats reaction on his Closed Circuit Monitor Spy Satelite System with Infrared and ELF emission detection... Doctor Wombat, temporarily blinded, staggers forward, oblivious to the grave his is about to stumble into, the grave meant for Toonces, as he mumbles, "Foiled Again!!". He falls, and is met with darkness... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^24),? :O [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^24),? : Subj: RE: Toonces' Grave... (25/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Sun, Jun 17, 1990 23:39:17 The kindly Doctor gets up -- since he was only acting for that dreadful cats sake and snikers a bit... "If that had been REAL 'self-destrict at the first sign of danger android', it would have gone off LONG before it hit the gates... With that, the most kindly Doctor Wombat -- his lordship of the Surgical Zoo as well as the Petting Zoo above it, pulls out the IGR, sets it into seeker mode and IGR's all cats within a 10 billion light-year radius... - the kindly Doctor Wombat (/<-rAd!!! /<-k00l!!! INSTANTANEOUS GONADIAL REMOVAL!INSTANTANEOUS GONADIAL REMOVAL!INSTANTANEOUS GONADIAL REMOVAL!INSTANTANEOUS GONADIAL REMOVAL!INSTANTANEOUS GONADIAL REMOVAL!) [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^25),? : Subj: RE: Toonces' Grave... (26/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Mon, Jun 18, 1990 14:22:33 Zane, not being one to wait for the IGR to search and destroy (or is that sweep and clear...confusing point, that), locks and loads his Tommy gun and begins spraying anything that moves with Ultra Slim Fast (it being, in actuallity, a Tommy Lasorta Gun in disguise), and wrapping a belt around it's neck. "Here Kitty, Heeeeerrrrreeeee kitty, kitty, kitty." [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^26),? : Subj: RE: Toonces' Grave... (27/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Mon, Jun 18, 1990 21:21:21 With that, Doc Wombat points out the CMD has been gotten by both the slim fast and the IGR (protecting the poor defenseless poodle-types in the Zoo from contracting any of those dreaded animal diseases and such...). "Hmm - maybe if we set out the old poisoned Mongoose Milk and some Hush Puppies we can lure that cat to the killing..." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Milking a rabid mongoose in Zane's presences... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^27),? : Subj: Remember, nobody dies... (28/34) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Mon, Jun 18, 1990 22:35:13 Suddenly, Doc Wombat realizes that he loves cats, and deactivates the IGR before the machine can tune into Toonces' gonads. He then turns to his white persian cat, and stroking it laughs in a very sinister way.... Ah Hah Hah Hah!!! The gates to the Zoo, open... It is another day at the petting zoo... Doctor Wombat turns to the glass window, and says to the little boy standing there with his 2-bits, "Sorry, admission went up to a dollar"... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^28),? : Subj: RE: Remember, nobody dies... (29/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Wed, Jun 20, 1990 1:32:07 The kindly Doctor comes up and gives the annoying little Toonces a good and IGRs him repeatedly anyway... "I *HATE* cats -- if they're worm-ridden and try to operate motor vehicles...." With that, the marsupial medic skins Toonces more than one way with a small toe-nail clipper and throws the meat that's left in to the Mad Dog pin for quick disposal... (Sorry Zane -- but you do operate a Hot _Dog_ stand and all). The kindly Doctor then makes a nice scarf out of the cat fur that was once Toonces (when he was still alive) and blows his nose in it -- Before handing it to Robo for no apparent reason. Then, the Wombat eyes the bratty little kid and kicks him until he falls to the ground where he promptly steals his cash and gives him a few parting punches before hurling him over the Zoo's gate... "And even if this WERE a story board, I would NEVER let you get away with a happy ending...." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Wiping his posterior clean with the Toonce's fur....) [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^29),? : Subj: RE: Remember, nobody dies... (30/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< 'Uh.. Doc... you killed the WRONG one again.. that wasn't Toonces.. that was Noonces.. the comfortably numb Cat (*tm)" Gumby turns to reveal that Toonces has since moved into the corner and is now holding the 'New and Improved' CyberStick (*tm) and is pointing it at the kindly Doc with an entirely unwholesome grin on his face. 'So... Doc... you don't like cats do ya?... huh?... so whatya want me to do... stick a pipe up your ass??? huh? ' Gumby walks over to Toonces and him a few times to get his attention OFF the subject at hand. ' You see.. there is NO reality.. you have NOTHING to fear.. and your mother wears kitty combat boots and stomps puppies every Saturday at Calahans' Bar and Grill.. so you can either get a REAL life.. or you can do what we do...... DRINK NAPALM !' Gumby turns and tosses Zane the keys to the Hot Dog Stand. ' Crank 'er up Zane... Happy hour at Callahans is NOW.. and I DON'T want to miss those Tall Cool Glasses of Mucus.. especially at 2 for 1 prices.' Gumby.... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^30),? : Subj: RE: Remember, nobody dies... (31/34) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Wed, Jun 20, 1990 9:26:36 Snatching the keys out of the air, Zane looks them over.."These are to Elminster's Shop, they won't fit." nonchalantly pocketing the keys and pulling out a dog whistle, which he blows until his face turns flesh (blue being it's natural color) With a crackle of energy, The Stand appears at his side, "Heel!" shouts Zane as he boards the stand from the right side in a sudden fit of nonconformity, taking the funnel in hand, "Zircon....you awake?.." not waiting for an answer "...engage warped engines and take her up to Ludicrus Speed, then make a right at the big tree....ahem, I mean, full ahead ten parsecs then starboard at the next Joshua...got it?" a sleepy female voice answers, "Got it, but why can't you tell me..." Zane hangs up and announces, "...all aboard, and if your going to Cucamunga...stay where your are." as he continues to practice for his PhD in prepositional phrases. Zane The Faulkner [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^31),? : Subj: RE: Remember, nobody dies... (32/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Thu, Jun 21, 1990 15:39:30 Gumby.... Doctor Wombat considers the pipe bit for a moment and then shakes his head as if to say - nah. HE then walks over to Toonces the mentally lacking cat and s him a couple of times with a dead doberman.... "Get a life -- get NINE of them for all I care!!!" He then turns away from the allegedly 5/9ths dead cat and orders a cup of bile with a little umbrella in it from Zane.... - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^32),? : Subj: RE: Remember, nobody dies... (33/34) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< Wombat.. et al. Gumby looks at the bile with contempt.. 'I prefer smegma.... on the rocks... and this time.. NO ice... I want REAL rocks you idiot'. Zane reaches behind the stand and comes up with a cup of Spooge (*tm) and hands it to Gumby. '...uh.. i hate to be picky... but isn't that Joe Abernathy in my drink there Zane?' -Gumby... [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^33),? :OB [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^33),? : Subj: RE: Remember, nobody dies... (34/34) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Fri, Jun 22, 1990 23:16:51 The kindly Doctor checks out Gumy's drink (before Zane does, no doubt) and takes a look at the little man that is Joe Abernathy... Yes, that Cyber-Elf that we all know and love for putting out a good word for modem land in general... "Hmm - let me look at that more closely", the kindly Doctor says, resisting the attempt to allow Gumby to pour the stuff out on him and places the recycled cup on the ground... "Gee - Zane, it's nice to know that you're trying to do some much to preserve the environment..." he mutters as he notices that the cup smells like a Exxon restroom and has some suspicious brown spots on it -- probably from its previous life as a roll of Charmin.... With that, the marsupial pulls out his Fried Laser 128 (*tm) from its holster at his side and s it down onto the cup.... "Nah - it wasn't Joe... Instead of a there would have been a ...." - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Petting Zoo] Read:(1-34,^34),? : Post on The Petting Zoo? No < The Petting Zoo Q-Scan Done > =Hermes Main Menu = Press (SPACE) to Abort CTRL-T = Time CTRL-O = On-Line Help A>uto-Message B>BS List C>hat with Sysop D>efaults Section E>-Mail a User F>eedb T - 00:50:12 [Doctor Wombat ...Straight Outta Hell] [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^10),? :1 Subj: Straight outta hell.... (1/18) From: >UNKNOWN< Date: >>>INACTIVE<<< You follow the cry of helpless animals down a dark hall which leads to an open door on which hangs a sign that says 'The Doctor is IN....' You enter the dim examination room where racks of test tubes that contain viruses and other substances are abound along with seemingly miles of surgical tubing. Various animal parts are on display around the room to glorify the research done here. A hunch-backed geek, Egad, stands chained to the crematorium, snorting inhuman noises while pointing to an examination table at the other end of the room. The table is occupied by a pinned open hamster in a pan next to Stephen King's Pet Semetery, which lies open on top of a chainsaw. Behind this table, sitting in an electric chair, is the kindly Doctor Wombat--tending to hos part-time nurse, Brenda. Suprised by your enterance, he drops his nurse as he rises to attention (fixing his hair, of course) 'Ahhhhhh, may I take your order..........' You've just entered... Doc Wombat's Surgical Zoo -- straight outta Hell.... [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^1),? : Subj: Scavanger Hunt (2/18) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Sun, Jun 3, 1990 11:37:10 Clearing his throat, Zane walks in the door dragging a rusty red wagon with one wheel behind him. "Ok Doc, you wanted a specimen...you got one." says Zane triumphantly as he hefts a 55 gallon drum out of the wagon sloshing a foul-smelling liquid onto the floor causing it to sizzle and pop as he sets it down with a not-so-gratious knocking several bogus diplomas off the wall and causing Egad to flinch and rattle his chain in an almost human gesture. Knowing he always hates asking this question, Wombat inquires, "What is it?" "Guess." says Zane with a smug look of success on his face. "Worm juice?" "Nope." "Liquid heat?" "No." "Coolant from Elvis' cadillac, the embalming fluid of King Tut, pond water from Love Canal, dribble liquid from Miles Coppertwait, sexually transmittable diseases from around the world" All followed by the same negative response. "Ok..." sighs Wombat, trying to fight down the urge to replace the hamster with Zane, "...what is it?" "I'll give you a hint......drug testing." [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^2),? : Subj: RE: Scavanger Hunt (3/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Sun, Jun 3, 1990 23:17:57 The kindly Doctor, still not entirely convinced with Zane's explaination, dips a finger into the drum and then sniffs as if it were a fine wine. After this, he pulls out a small shot glass with the word 'Wendy's' painted on it and samples a bit of the odd substance. Onces he's swished it around in his mouth for a few seconds and swallowed it with a noticable , he places the shot glass upsidedown on the lab table and turns back to Zane... "I'd say it was the urine form an Asian Elephant -- wieghing close to two tons and having a long scar down his left side who has been using LSD, crack, and ICE for the past three years.... And if that's not right, my second guess is that we've got a stool sample from Kenny Briener here -- they're both so much alike and all...." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Putting his diplomas and membership to the YMCA back on the wall where they belong...) [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^3),? : Subj: Man on a mission (4/18) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Mon, Jun 4, 1990 15:59:19 Zane shrugs his shoulders, "I have no idea, could be. I was under the impression that it was the collected juices of a leper when put through a printing press...but that was just a guess" stirring the mixture with a very large straw and moving several fingers and toes out of the way before taking a sip. "I think your right.." says Zane coughing so violently that his kidneys jump out of his mouth and hang around his neck like a bowtie, which he quickly replaces "OOps, sorry, I need those for a few more years." then turning on his heel and opening the door with a jerk causing several eavsdroppers to fall into the room in a large, smelly heap. "I'm going to visit the hazardous waste disposal site, I'll check you later. I might even bring back something special. Anything in particular that your looking for?" asks Zane as he nonchalantly pushes a button next to the door causing a trap door to open under the heap of eavesdroppers, sending them plummeting into the 'Experimental Liquids Holding Tank'. [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^4),? : Subj: Holding tank...\ (5/18) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Thu, Jun 14, 1990 18:56:54 ...into the "'Experimental Liquids Holding Tank'", where they met the Joker swimming around mumbling about getting a bat exterminator... Zane looks down into their faces as the skin melts and their screams die. "Gee, that was neat trick", he says to Dr Wombat. "That's right, we know you're there, so come on out!". Dr Wombat comes out from his hiding place, thankful that he was not among those that fell into the vat, when all of a sudden... [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^5),? : Subj: RE: Holding tank...\ (6/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Fri, Jun 15, 1990 23:54:56 The kindly Doctor looks around at the much diluted cat and shakes his head... "He's been using too damn much catnip... I think we should introduce him to my exculsive Drug Rehab center....", he says as he quickly straps the Toonces cat into a chair surrounded by power tools from Black and Decker and YM mags as well as wires which suspciously end up at vital nerve centers of the addicted cat.... "Just remember, Toonces.... It's alright to say no to drugs every once in awhile...." That's the last thing Toonces hears before Doc pulls the lever.... - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^6),? : Subj: RE: Holding tank...\ (7/18) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Sun, Jun 17, 1990 20:30:24 ...as the lever drops, sparks fly, hair raises, eyeballs pop, and Doctor Wombat discovers that the Drug Rehab Center was REVERSE WIRED!! He was recieving all the juice!! The skinheads were too stunned to move, and Toonces gracefully winds his way past the bumbling zookeepers toward the exit... The door slams open, and a furry missile shoots out the door toward safety, with Dr Wombat's screams fading into the night... Toonces hops into Doctor Wombat's Ferrari, hot wires it, and tears off into the darkness, leaving the lights off to avoid being tailed (no pun intended)... Driving, he plots his next move to free the animals of the petting zoo from the "kindly Doctor Wombat" before they are all served as snacks from the hotdog cart... SCREEEEEECHHHHH!!! Whoosh!!! The car is airborn over a cliff hidden by the blackness of the night, a blackness that surrounds his reality like pea soup... Toonces awakens, to find the ferrari burried halfway through the roof of the Petting Zoo Cat House... "You made it", a voice says from a distant corner of the room, and toonces turns his head to find... (to be cont...) [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^7),? : Subj: Toonces turns his head to find... (8/18) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Sun, Jun 17, 1990 20:37:48 ...Zane the Dark, Transformed into a Great White Tiger by the kindly Doctor Wombat. Zane has been caged for three days, awaiting the moment when he too will become a main course by the Zoo Hotdog Cart. He can see it now, "Hotdogs = $1.75, HotTiger = $2.25, HotTiger Cooked = $2.75"... The two sit in the darkened simulated cave, roasting hamster over an open fire, and contemplate their revenge against the terrible Doctor Wombat. With only three days before the Doc comes out of his "Drug Detox" coma, they plot furiously. Suddenly, Zane jumps up with a cry, "I've got it!". "We simply need to... (to be cont...) [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^8),? : Subj: RE: Toonces turns his head to find... (9/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Sun, Jun 17, 1990 23:45:33 Before the eggplant gets a chance to answer -- the kindly Doctor reappears holding up a calander that must be seven or eight years old. Obviously, by setting it back a bit, he was able to escape the drug deal that the cat inflicted him with.... He then hands a sock to Zane who promptly puts it over the head of the dreadful beast and then s him into a deep sleep with an electric hedge clipper... With that, the kindly Doctor leads the rest of the Edibles to the Stomping Grounds and takes Toonces by the tail... "It's ten points if he hits one of the land mines -- fifteen if he hits one of the spikes -- and if you manage somehow to skip him off the the landmine at the very end of the course and through the ring of fire so that he lands into the Mad Dog pool, you get twenty -- and CMD gets a good meal...." With that, he stabs the cat for good luck and hands it to Zane.... - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^9),? : Subj: RE: Toonces turns his head to find... (10/18) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Mon, Jun 18, 1990 14:24:14 Zane drops the posterboard with the biggest-darn-earthworm-you-ever-saw (tm) pinned to it in a nice, easy-to-examine-the-vital-organs pose and accepts the cat from Wombat. Hefting it for weight and balance, Zane quickly turns away and applys an emeryboard to the cat's head and greases it down Vasaline. "I will now demonstrate my fur ball." announces the Evil Eggplantish persona as he winds up and sends the cat skipping over several landminds miraculously setting them off with only so much as a slight smoking of the fur being incurred by the now fire-ring-bound cat. Just as the cat clears the fire ring, it breaks loose from it's sock, landing unbound into CMD's pen. The sight is something to behold. It could only be described as 'the dance of the desparate', Toonces (being rather miffed at the current state he finds himself in) does his own impersonation of the Tasmanian Devil Two-step, turning him into a mass of flashing claws and salivating teeth. And CMD chasing him around the pen, cattle prod in one hand and dinnerware in the other, trying to get him to stand still. Zane turns to Wombat, Potts, and Gumby, "Who wants to do color comentary? I'm doing stats for this one." Says Zane as he pulls out a rather large pencil and licks it. ! "I always wondered why people do that.." looking at the pencil in disgust. [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^10),? : Subj: RE: Toonces turns his head to find... (11/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Mon, Jun 18, 1990 21:23:38 The kindly Doctor hands the commentary hat to Gumby and shakes his head a bit... "Is it me, or does it look like that CMD is getting a little friendly with Toonces....?" - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Covering his face in disgust...) [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^11),? :# [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^11),? : Subj: Yes, the two have made friends... (12/18) From: Toonces The Driving Cat #62 Last on: 6/19/90 Date: Mon, Jun 18, 1990 22:41:50 Doctor Wombat turns back to Toonces and CMD, after covering his face in disgust, to find that the two of them have disppeared... All that remains are the dining utensils that CMD used to polish with great fervor, waiting for the perfect meal... They are never seen again... [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^12),? : Subj: RE: Yes, the two have made friends... (13/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Wed, Jun 20, 1990 1:35:50 Doc Wombat pulls out his handy-dandy Budwiser Prayer Mat (*tm) and turns to face Mecca.... "All praise to Allah!!!", he screams out, bowing every now and then and showing a look of great pleasure at the disappearance of the senseless animals... He then stands back up, brushing himself off and pulls out what looks like two elves from a nearby tree... "So, Zane. You've heard of Dwarf tossing.... How about a quick game of Elf Dropping???", the Doctor says, eyeing a tower which mysteriously appears behind them... - the kindly Doctor Wombat [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^13),? : Subj: RE: Yes, the two have made friends... (14/18) From: Zane The Dark #3 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Wed, Jun 20, 1990 9:31:23 Eyeing the elves, Zane reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large package of rather gooey Milk Duds (tm) and a sling shot. "Ok, maybe we do some tree hunting too." Zane begins assailing several small pieces of greenery on his way to the tower, "Say Doc, you know of a shortcut, that looks awfuly tall." he asks as a 747 glances the top of tower and begins it's long, firey path downward. [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^14),? : Subj: RE: Yes, the two have made friends... (15/18) From: DJ CMD-1 #58 Last on: 6/29/90 Date: Wed, Jun 20, 1990 16:19:55 ...and it runs right smack in the middle of Toonces and CMD's copulating session. Adding the ultimate gene fuck up, Toonces immediately gives birth to a small piece of scum/yarn. They name it "Kenny Breiner". So, Toonces and CMD begin the long process of raising this mutant progeny from outer space. They make sure to abuse it every half hour, molest it every 15 minutes, and show it a hard core porno video every 5.5 minutes... [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^15),? : Subj: RE: Yes, the two have made friends... (16/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Thu, Jun 21, 1990 15:44:18 The kindly Doctor s Zane with the elves a couple of times, knocking one of their ears off onto the ground where a Condemned Mad Dog (in a rather high level of decay) quickly eats it and attaches himself to the nearest available leg.... "Of Course there is a short cut!! It got an elevator going straight to the top... Then again, the stairs might be a little faster -- they do pass through Detroit at one point...." - the kindly Doctor Wombat (Cutting his post short due to the fact that his eye just went mad.... And popped out in protest....) [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^16),? :K [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^16),? : Subj: Toonces (17/18) From: Fester #13 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Mon, Jun 25, 1990 9:18:27 RE: RE: Yes, the two have made friends... Toonces the Driving Cat drives over a cliff, and exclaims, "That was a doozy." He then accidently drives onto the set of Dennis Miller, who takes his bushel of hair, and ties up the poor beast. Will Toonces live??? I don't give a dam!! Fester [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^17),? :{ [The Surgical Zoo] Read:(1-18,^17),? : Subj: Death is here... And he's driving a White D (18/18) From: Doctor Wombat #7 Last on: 6/27/90 Date: Wed, Jun 27, 1990 12:54:44 RE: Toonces The kindly Doctor, who also doesn't give a damn about any annoying felines who pounce across his sub like it's some dreadful storyboard, approaches Fester with a twelve and a half foot ironing board and s him for several minutes.... "NEVER mention that nightmarish beast on my sub again... And in the event thatyou do", he says, pulling out a nude snap shot of Kenny," I'll have to show THIS to you.... - the kindly Doctor Wombat