Peregrinus Jupiter's Real Live Sure Fire Uranium-235 Texas Chili! YEAH-HOO! A-when my ten gallon hat's a feelin' five gallons flat -- I hanker for Jupe's Chil-hil-ee! When I'm in for a showdown and my Vic-20 starts to slow down Or when Captain Keen is weak-in-the knees... I hanker for a bowl of A pot, a cup, a crock of A mess, a batch, a tub of That treat that we all so love Jupe's Sure Fire Texas Chil-hil-ee! YEAH-HOO! 25 July, 1992 All right, boys and girls. First, make sure to get a parent's permission! Now, then. 1 package Durkee (tm) chili mix 1 lb. dead cow, extra lean. 1 lb. Jimmy Dean or Dinner Bell (or whatever) pork sausage. A mess of onions Like one and a half green peppers One garlic in the shape of Orville Redenbacker's head. 1 jar saffron. Salt und Pfeffer. 15 oz. can Dan Quayle's Tomatoe sauce 1 jar Fisher Honey Roasted Cashews, large size. Canned tomatoes, crushed tomatoes, stewed tomatoes, whatever you got. 3-4 Tons Belgian Congo high-grade Uranium Oxide ore. 6 tubes toothpaste (not baking soda toothpaste) 2 cans kidney beans, one light, one dark. (All light may be used in the South.) Cinnamon. Some beer. You can even use O'Doul's, or Old Milwaukee if you're really cheap. Chili powder. Flour. 1 latex condom, non-ribbed, non-lubricated. Olive Oyl (ag, ag, ag, ag, ag) (Popeye imitation.) (Yes, you can use any oil.) White tortilla chips Cheddar or Monterey Jack Cheese Sour cream. Find a pot. Make it a good one, it's the only one you're going to use. It has to be rather large. Oh yeah, it should have a lid. Cut up a mess of peppers, and onions. Also, mince the garlic. Put some oil in the pot, oh, just enough to barely cover the bottom. Turn on the burner like medium, wait till it heats up, then throw the peppers in. No, don't throw the onions in at the same time, the peppers take longer to cook. By the way, congratulations, you are sauteeing. I wish I could put an accent over one of the e's in "sautee" but alas ASCII will not allow. Ok. The peppers are like half done now. So throw in the onions and the garlic. Oh yeah, use yellow or Spanish onions, not the red salad type. And I hope you really mined the garlic fine, you wouldn't want to swallow a whole chunk of it. Ok, so you've got some sauteed vegetables. Dump the 1 lb. extra lean ground beef in there along with the tube of Jimmy Dean sausage. Now, while all of that is cooking up, be sure to keep breaking it up. You don't want it to all clump up. Ok, so you're done, it's all brown, so you're not eating raw meat. Take the nice large size Fisher Honey Roasted Cashews, open the jar, and pour the cashews into the barrel. Take the jar, put it on your sink, and come over with the pot with the lid on it. Invert the pot, holding tightly onto the lid, and drain the fluids out through a little opening into the jar. This will take like 3 minutes...get it all out! If you screw this up, the meat and vegetables will fall all over the place and you will make an ass of yourself. Throw the jar out and put the pot back on the stove. Incidentally, you shouldn't pour the fluids down the sink because they will clog it up. Ok, dump in the 15 oz. can of tomato sauce along with a little bit of any crushed or stewed tomatoes you have lying around. Just make sure they are mashed up good. Do not use ketchup/catsup, Pizza Quick, salsa, barbecue sauce, or tomato paste, in case you are inclined to do so. Also, for those of you who don't have much experience in these matters, the tomato sauce comes in a can and is watery. Francesco Rinaldi and Prego and that shit is SPAGHETTI SAUCE and is something totally different. Ok, now dump in the contents of the package of Durkee chili mix and stir things around. In doing so, you may notice that there are chili directions on the back of the package. Do not read them; the guy who wrote them was a lunatic. If you follow those directions you will be sorry. Incidentally, if you can't find Durkee mix but can find Carroll Shelby, that will do. Dump in the large packet only and set the rest aside. Now, add some water. How much water? I don't know. At least add one 15-oz can full. Basically, this mixture will not look very appetizing yet, don't let that bother you. The mixture should certainly be less thick than sloppy joes. So make it wet, you will boil off the water anyway. Ok, now add some salt, some pepper, some chili powder (that's mostly what the Durkee/Shelby mix is, but it's not enough.) Throw in a sip of beer. Now: add a pinch of cinnamon. This sounds strange, but it is an essential ingredient and complements it wonderfully. Throw in some other spices too, as long as they are not strong. A little oregano, a little parsley, a little dehydrated onion flakes. Incidentally, if you bought the saffron as the list above suggested, I hate to inform you that it was a joke, and at $9.00 a pinch at your local Star Market, I'm finding this very funny. If you're going to put in some cayenne pepper to impress the females, do it now. Personally I think it ruins the chili. Ok. The heat should be on medium. Simmer it at medium covered for half an hour, stirring every 5 minutes to keep the bottom from burning. Dump in a little more water if it looks like it will burn without it. While that is happening, go to your basement. Take the uranium oxide ore and melt it in a large furnace to liberate the uranium. Fill a garbage can full of it. Throw in the 6 tubes of toothpaste to obtain Uranium Hexafluoride. Place the garbage can on a red-hot bed of coals to turn the Uranium Hexafluoride to gas. Capture this gas any way convenient. Pressurize the gas and pump it through a membrane made of the condom material. Collect the gas on the far side of the membrane and repeat, say, four thousand times or so. Eventually you should have enough U-235 to give your chili that extra kick. Plus, you can can the chili and sell it to a small Arab nation. Done? Good, the chili's almost ready to work on. Go upstairs and open the 2 cans of kidney beans. Drain them well and dump then in. It still doesn't look like chili, does it? Ok, then do this. Take some flour and put it in a cup. (Users of the Shelby mix, use the white package.) Add some water to get a mix the consistency of Arby's sauce. (thin ketchup) Dump it in the pot and stir! Magic! The color should change and things should smooth out. Keep adding flour until you get the color and texture you want. Also, add 1.5 cups U-235 or to taste at this time. Cover it and cook 10 minutes more. DONE! Well, not quite. Presentation is quite important. Dump the chili in your favourite piece of crockery. Throw some cheese and raw onions on top. If you are impatient, microwave it until the cheese melts. Put some sour cream on top, and on the side. The sour cream is essential for temperature contrast. Enjoy with a lovely beverage. I recommend skim milk. Have some white tortilla chips with it. They are lighter and I find the yellow ones too greasy and heavy to go with the chili. Also, have some crescent rolls or Pillsbury bread sticks or corn bread sticks with it to cleanse the palate when necessary. Oh, I almost forgot. Don't drop it. Also, hospital X-Ray technicians are not advised to consume this dish in their places of work since a noticable fog may develop on the plates. Enjoy. I sure did. Finis. Also sprach Jupiter. ------------------ jupiter@works.uucp or merk!works!jupiter ------------------ A PEREGRINVS IVPITER PRODUCTION (C) 1992 Peregrinus Jupiter. 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