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                    !The Columbus Pirate's Union Presents:!
                    !                                     !
                    !----> The Adventures Of Bandana <----!
                    !               Part I                !
                    !                                     !
                    !---->  Writen By:  Lord Python  <----!
                    !             of: C.P.U.              !
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    Once upon a time, there was a super hero named Bandana.  Bandana was not 
one of the most well-known or well-renowned super heroes of all time, but he 
wasn't too bad. His main problem was the thing that made him a super hero in 
the first place -- it was a rather embarressing trait: he would gain amazing 
and unpredictable powers whenever he ate.

    His current weight was 6,549 pounds and he stood four feet, three inches 
tall.

    He resided in a very large cave that was set in the side of a suburban six 
hundred story skyscraper, whose cave was inconspicuous as compared to the 
skyscraper, which was an oddly phosphorescent shade of green.  The sky- 
scraper was the central headquarters for the fagleblik monster making company, 
which mainly supplied monsters for amusement park funhouses or dungeons or 
something of the sort.  No one around there really knew where the monsters 
really went (which was just as well; it wasn't really that mysterious as it 
sounds right now). In fact, the whole company was rather mysterious, because 
it was relatively unknown, unless you happened to live beneath it or had 
driven past it or something.  Most of the information known about the place 
had been found out about from the occasional human flies that had tried to 
climb the enormous building, which were arrested at the top for jaywalking 
(it seems that, for some reason, the fagleblik company had their building 
designated as an intersection, although it was soon discovered afterwards, that 
the building's main flow of traffic was the occasional human fly).

    The cave underneath the vertical intersection had only one entrance, which 
was the entrance that Bandana was known to enter: he would go to the sewer cap 
that was right above it, and wait.  Soon, the cap would collapse  under his 
fantastic weight, but that he would wait a while to get in, because it took him 
about twenty days to lose the weight necessary to plop through the hole, into a 
pile of shit, which had been building and waiting for him for the past twenty 
days.  This was not really anyone's idea of a nice welcome, especially after a 
relentless weight loss delay in order to get there, but he learned that he 
couldn't do a whole lot about it.
    Meanwhile, in new putty tatt, new jersey, jon ablebuns went out to the 
supermarket to get some wheaties and some green tiddles pickle food.  However, 
on the way to the store, he promptly died.
    This thing that killed him was a six billion volt charge from the electrons 
of a lightning bolt protruding from the finger of the evil Dr. Lotsa Legroom, 
whose arch enemy was Bandana.  Legroom did not kill ablebuns because he didn't 
like him, of vice versa, nor did he zap him because of the pickle food he 
carried, but because evilness had been sluggish lately, and he needed to do 
something to make Bandana get up out of his cave and eat.  But Bandana was 
asleep, and didn't hear the 'beep-beep' come from the friendly computer sitting 
in the corner.

    A small thing sat up from a dark corner in the room.  The thing was 
metallic in composition, and had a number of small individually coloured lights 
and indicators on the thing's front.  The thing walked towards the snoring 
mound of flesh lying on a collapsed bed.  As the thing entered a lighter part 
of the room, it could be distinguished as some sort of electric penguinoid, if 
there was such aphrase.  The penguinoid cleared his throat in an effort to 
waken Bandana, and nearly failed.

    "Ahem," said the penguinoid politely.
    "Ugh," Bandana grunted gruntingly, "what do you want, O-puss?"
    "The computer sitting in the corner is going 'beep-beep'."
    "So?" he soed soingly.
    "I don't think the computer should be going 'beep-beep'."
    Just then, the computer which was going 'beep-beep' decided to go to 
Birmingham and take care of Dr. Lotsa Legroom itself.
    Bandana was just noticing his computer's departure and was also beginning 
to wonder exactly where it had gone.  He decided it would be best if he were 
prepared for trouble so he stopped off at the Burger Blaster Sandwich Smashers 
resturant for a bite to eat.

    A waitress in the resturant sat tiredly behind the counter.  Just as she 
was about to nod off to sleep, a slim, short Bandana walked into the 
resturant.  Her first reaction was that he was not too ugly, which was wrong.  
The man sat himself down on a stool in front of the waitress, as if to get her 
attention immediately.  If that was the case, it failed; because she went into 
the back to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom she washed her face and put 
her thin make-up back on her face, as the last bunch had just taken a trip 
down a rather dirty drain from a bathroom in a run-down resturant on the side 
of an interstate.

    The waitress finally emerged from the bathroom to find an empty resturant: 
Bandana had stolen some individually wrapped saltine crackers and left.

    Bandana was driving down the interstate in his Bandanamobile, a very 
strange and one of the most bizarre forms of transportation for that time.  
It was a lovely shade of glow-in-the-dark black, and made entirely of cloth.  
Its axles were bolts of strongly packed greased cloth, the tires were made of 
rolls of it, and the windshield was made out of a see-through negligee he had 
recieved from a mail-order company by mistake.  Its gas mileage was not the 
best, in fact, quite bad; but the whole thing looked pretty neat cruising down 
a road at ten miles an hour, which was the fastest it went anyways.
    He munched down the crackers and commented to his penguinoid about the bad 
taste of the crackers.

    "On the contrary," said O-puss, "it was not the bad taste of the crackers 
that you didn't like."
    Bandana looked at him in a slow, solid manner, which was not a good 
decision, as he nearly hit a solid metal car head on.

    "And how do you know that?" he asked sarcastically.
    "You didn't like the plastic enveloping the crackers." Such logic could not 
be denied.

    Bandana though about this long and hard, but fortunately looked back at the 
road to do this, just in time to ignore the sight of a large truck that swerved 
out of the way of the Bandanamobile, and into the way of a particularly 
vertical drop in front of a cliff.

    Meanwhile, Dr. Lotsa Legroom was so happy about the fact that he had Bandana 
eating again, that he went out and had a good time killing off an entire city.

    Bandana (due to the crackers) had gained the spectacular power of stretching 
his left thumbnail up to 50 feet in length.  The usual was that he discovered 
these powers was that they sort of took effect on him, which could often be 
rather embarressing.  Nevertheless, his fingernail shot straight through the 
windshield and tore it into little itty bitty pieces.  Bandana raced at an 
amazing sonic-cracking eleven miles per hour, as he shifted up a gear, into 
second (although he was very intelligent, and could make great use of things, 
he didn't know much about high gears). He made his thumbnail go back to the 
normal size, as he didn't like the way that it had shot out.

    He was racing to the site of the ex-city, where he was relatively sure that 
he would find Dr. Lotsa Legroom.  He was correct up until the point that he was 
one-half a mile to the place, when he found that Dr. Lotsa Legroom was standing 
on the roof of the Bandanamobile.
    Dr. Lotsa Legroom liked to do this because it gave him a feeling of power 
over his intended victim, but wasn't too smart, because he usually fell off.  
In this case though, he didn't.  Amazingly though, he still didn't fall off 
when the car stopped.
    "Alright, Bandana, I know you're in there! Get out!"
    "I'm going to give you one chance to get off of my car, before it caves 
in," Bandana said weakly.  He never could make threats: they always came out 
weakly.
    It was not very likely that the roof of the Bandanamobile would cave in, 
even though it was made of cloth.  The cloth was one of the strongest made, 
which was tested to withstand the pressure of over sixteen walrusses carrying 
American Express cards, give or take one Dorito corn chip.  It was such a nice 
roof in fact, that Bandana was crushed when it caved in.

    "Wha...?" queeried Bandana, in disbelief.
    "Cave in?" questioned the electric bird.
    "Ouch!" exclaimed Legroom.
    "Thoop!" said a fifty foot thumbnail.

             To be continued...
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!-- A Columbus Pirate's Union Release ----------------------------------------!
!-- (C)opyright 1984, Lord Python. -------------------------------------------!
!-- Edit this and you might wake up with a snake byte some morning and die! --!
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