.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:. : LiStS, pReDiCtIoNs, AnD gEnErAl NoNsEnSe . . . : : ___ __ : : Typed By | |_) : : |he |enguin : : of... : : SubZero PAE/BBS 5 Megs Online Games D/Ls 7 Brds 804 973-3644 : :.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.: -= Six Bad Uses For Cinder Blocks =- 1. Back Scratcher 2. Paperweight 3. Pacifier 4. Pillow 5. Sponge 6. Record Cleaner -= Eight Freak Accidents =- 1. Drowning at foam rubber city 2. Paper cut from silly putty 3. Great Dane slips on Crisco, negligee tears, vibrator impales postman 4. Geology professor slips on icy sidewalk; 723 die 5. Town of Stolix, Mass., caught in sleeping bag zipper 6. Look in mirror and see Bob Keeshan 7. Television explodes while you're out salting slugs 8. Find Ricardo Montalban in glove compartment -= Six Animals That Would Have Gone Extinct =- -= If They Had Existed In The First Place.. =- 1. The Backpack Kangaroo - Instead of pouches, this unfortunate marsupial used bookbags, losing its young when it hopped. 2. The Needle Snake - Had a rigid backbone and could not crawl forward. 3. The Lava Bat - Could not fly anywhere since it was always born within solid rock. 4. The Peruvian Flatheaded Condor - Thought it could fly. It couldn't. 5. The Balloon Shark - Was lighter than water and couldn't swim beneath the surface. 6. The Panamanian Two-Headed Frog - Tore itself in two when it jumped. -= Twelve Worst Opening Pick-Up Lines =- 1. You know, if you cut off your arms you'd look like Venus de Milo. 2. Are you incredibly beautiful or is it just my chemotherapy? 3. Sorry, I thought you were a moose 4. Your place or my car? 5. Quick! How many psalms are there? 6. Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny. 7. Wanna come up to my place for a pizza and a fuck? What's the matter, you don't like pizza? 8. You know, you look better without my glasses. 9. What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this? 10. Um...er...I...um...er.... 11. Why is it that the really beautiful girls are all assholes? 12. Your body is like Haiku in motion. -= Four Futile Methods of Fishing =- 1. Empty lake through straw 2. Grope underwater with your hands 3. Move to Nevada 4. Go water skiing with hooks on your ankles -= Seven Qualities That Make Babies Disgusting =- 1. They vomit and spit up cheese 2. They defecate in their clothes 3. They're bald 4. They're fat 5. They drool 6. They babble unintelligibly 7. They grow into bratty two-year-olds -= Fifty-Two People You Wish Had Been Taken =- -= Hostage By The Iranians And Not Returned =- Gloria Vanderbilt, Chuck Barris, Jesse Helms, Liberace, Ernie Bushmiller, McLean Stevenson, David Susskind, Gay Talese, Florence Henderson, Brooke Shields, William Shockley, Bill Cullen, Uri Geller, Jerry Falwell, Brett Somers Klugman, George Will, Buzz Aldrin, Frank Perdue, Marlin Perkins, Neil Diamond, Pete Best, Sylvester Stallone, Gus Hall, S.I. Hayakawa, Joe Garagolia, Jody Powell, Eldridge Cleaver, DeForest Kelly, Toni Tennille, Strom Thurmond, Abigail Van Buren, Fabian, Rona Barrett, Mr. Bill, Edwin Newman, Werner Erhard, Carly Simon, Abe Beame, Oral Roberts, Barbara Mandrell, Alvin Toffler, Brent Musberger, Kenny Rogers, Larry Hagman, Anita Bryant, Ruth Buzzi, Erma Bombeck, Phyllis Schlafly, Alexander Haig, Pete Rose, Milton Friedman, Don McLean -= Nine New Phobias =- 1. Leophobia: Fear of reading War and Peace and not understanding the ending. 2. Tripleletterscorophobia: Fear of being reincarnated as the letter "G" in a game of Scrabble. 3. Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. 4. Yawniphobia: Fear of people who brag about their highschool sports teams. 5. Billionsandbillionsofintergalacticaphobia: Fear of people who impersonate Carl Sagan. 6. Phaphaphaphobia: Fear of stutterers. 7. Sankaphobia: Fear of being advised by Robert Young. 8. Concidiphobia: Fear of running into your father at the house of ill-repute. 9. Lacostephobia: Fear of Perrier. -= One Phrase to Induxe Paranoia =- 1. "Do you always eat like that?" -= Fifteen Things Nobody Would Notice =- -= Vanishing Off The Face Of The Earth=- 1. Jokes about elephants who walk into bars. 2. Cellophane tootpicks restaurants put in sandwiches. 3. Parsley. 4. The Gabor Sisters. 5. 12-year=olds who call you up at 3 AM and ask you if you have Prince Albert in a can. 6. Sea-Monkeys. 7. Smokey and the Bandit lunch boxes. 8. Crayon sharpeners. 9. Movies about Roller Disco. 10. Dial-A-Joke. 11. Micky Mouse telephones. 12. Fuzzy Dice for rear-view mirrors 13. Mood-rings. 14. Slinkies. 15. Rick Corinthian leather. -= 20 Wonderful Predictions for 1980 That Never Came True (1899-1959) =- 1. Atomic-powered planes, trains, and automobiles 2. Electronic light ("light without light bulbs") 3. Intercontinental Mail Missiles 4. The economically useful desalination of seawater 5. Robot Servants 6. Flying automobiles 7. Low-cost electricity from the Aurora Boralis 8. Atomic batteries 9. Eradications of Cancer and Tuberculosis 10. Low-cost, pre-fab, subruban housing 11. Electric Ariplanes 12. Remote-control dentistry 13. Cremation by law 14. 120 mph electric monorails 15. The "Two-Airplane" middle-class family 17. Capsulized food 18. The abolishment, by public demand, of smoking and alcoholism. 19. Strictly enforced noise laws in all cities. 20. No wars. Enuff for now...look for more weird files. The Information In This Article Was Taken From "Hellbent On Insanity", a Collection of College Humor. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :: CALL... SubZero PAE/BBS ---------------------> 804 973-3644 3/1200 :: :: Basselope PAE/BBS -------------------> 317 353-9678 3/1200 :: :: Metal AE (PW=KILL) ----------------> 201 879-6668 3/1200 :: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::