------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AE view: LEECHPROOF written and directed by: Novak the Insipid ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Todd Baggins, or, as his friends called him, Mushmind, was calling up AE lines around the country when he happened upon one that produced a ringing tone instead of the customary busy signal. He pressed his ear against the receiver,unable to believe it. But there it was, a little weak, but unmistakably a ringing tone... He jumped at the sudden carrier. Removing the phone from his ear and rubbing same, he pressed control reset. AE searched for a carrier and found one. AE:Connected WELCOME TO: THE CAPTAIN'S COVE AE Hello, everybody! This is Captain Casey, and we're finally back up with ten megs of the newest wares. No more power spike jokes, please. Unfortuneatly, we have had quite a few LEECHES around here lately!! The AE was put up for uploads >AND< downloads, remember?? No one person can keep it going and fueled with the latest stuff without help! So UPLOAD!!! As an extra precaution, I've installed a new system on the computer, called Leechproof. It's rather unique, and I don't imagine you'll see it anywhere else in the United States. Thanks to Metal Communications for the concept. Good work, guys. Of course, this program may seem a little drastic to whoev (> He broke out of the message. On volume twelve, he found Ultima IV Side One. On volume thirteen, he found side two. Then side three and four and some docs on volume fourteen. He happily leeched it all. While getting side four, though, he felt a little reservation. Where was Leechproof? He had encountered systems similar to the one described, little programs that allowed only two downloads before demanding an upload on pains of calling him an asshole and dropping carrier. No big thing, since calling back was free, but... But leeching text files was still free. On this happy thought, he left AE receiving block #359 and went off to the kitchen in search of something to munch. He came back a little later and block #732 was coming in. He smiled and turned on his stereo. A while later, "Head Over Heels" was interrupted by a loud beep and a SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER message. He copied the docs and was about to flip to volume fifteen in search of things to grab when the screen lit up with action: Leechproof Program Activated! DISK VOLUME 099 B 042 LEECHPROOF<253> T 002 LEECHPROOF IS K00L! T 002 JUST COPY LEECHPROOF ONTO YOUR T 002 AE DISK... THEN RUN LEECHPROOF!!! T 002 GET IT TODA and he broke out of the catalog. He tried to change volumes...no go. He had suddenly been catapulted into volume ninety-nine and all of the other volumes were off limits. Well, why not leech Leechproof? It would at least be a good gag, like Infocom games that say "I don't know the word 'impossible.'" He hesitantly typed in the command to send Leechproof to his computer. He hit control Q and then G and then LEECHPROOF<253>. His disk whirred. He stared expectantly, one eye on the screen and one eye on the drive. No jack in the box appeared on his screen. No insulting message appeared calling him a fag and an idiot and disconnecting him. The SysOp did not appear to deliever geneological insults personally. AE declared filetype 04 and began recieving block 001. He sighed. Sighed, and left for the bathroom. When he got back, AE was recieving block 167. He left again, strangely jittery. He bounced up and down while watching a commercial. Another loud beep summoned him back to the terminal. AE gave the SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER message and then typed something else: ENJOY LEECHPROOF!!!!!!!!!!! A pause, then he was disconnected. The long-awaited Ultima IV went virtually unnoticed. In a mad dash, he stuck DDD into the drive and rebooted. While unpacking the disk, he wondered what it could possibly be. A new game? Something where you were given a dart gun and were made to kill leeches with it? A collection of disparaging anti-leech text files? He swapped the disk one last time and waited impatiently for the program to finish unpacking. As soon as the red light went out, he rebooted once more. Just spare clicking, for a moment, then a hi-res screen which proclaimed: LEECHPROOF The Newest Advancement In High Tech Leech Busting. He waited. The computer waited. Suddenly a digitized voice screamed from the speaker: "LEECHPROOF! The newest advancement in leech busting!" He jumped backwards, almost falling out of his chair. The computerized voice shouted on. "YES! Now leeches can be dealt with in the best way possible, the only way fair. You too can become part of the Leechproof brigade. Simply copy your AE Pro program over onto the Leechproof disk and become one with the universe!" The logo vanished, to be replaced with a hi-res picture of a uranium atom. Electrons whirled in elliptical paths. Todd watched, entranced. After about twenty seconds,the voice echoed again from the insides of the machine. "HEY ASSHOLE! WAKE UP!" Todd's head snapped to attention from his former slumped position. "What?" "That's better," the voice continued in a more conversational tone. "Are you going to sit there salivating all day or are you going to copy AE over onto this disk?" Todd stared. "Don't stare," the voice said briskly. "Put AE in drive one and hit the space bar." He did. "Now replace the Leechproof disk." He did. "Now sit back and watch." He did. Words printed out on the screen: WHAT KIND OF MODEM ARE YOU USING? Below was a list of choices. He sat back and watched. "You wanna answer the question?" the voice asked in electronic irritation. "Watch, don't vegetate." "Um," agreed Todd dully. He selected the option that corresponded with the Networker modem he was using. The program paused, as if in distaste, then continued. The screen cleared, then words printed out. DIALING LEECHPROOF BASE:TXXX-XXX-XXXX Behind the X's that printed out on Todd's screen was the number to a top secret code red military installation. But he would never know that. CONNECTED! PASSWORD: captain ID: ethiopia computer:request position:incoming call After a moment, the installation computer replied: REPLY:COORDINATES 14D135,745,74HD,88JB-ROMEO*%535-FA77DS6FJJS873 Todd's house. Specifically, his bedroom. Down to the meter. computer:request discharge force 3:above coordinates:force 3 warhead jjd3 Todd watched dizzily. It looked strange;the other computer was typing in upper case and his was answering in lower case. Or was it the other way around? What was going on anyhow? REPLY:DISCHARGED AT FORCE 3 This was a stupid program. He started to switch off,then saw another notice: CONNECTION TERMINATED ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL (JJD3) : 5:00:00 His curiousity was piqued. He watched the display. It seemed to be a timer set for five minutes, and it counted down in minutes, seconds and hundredths of a second. Almost like the readout for what block was being recieved. He put his hands in his lap and waited. Across the skies, a tiny projectile streaked at a speed of Mach 2. Todd Baggins, or Mushmind, waited with his hands in his lap. Projectile JJD3 flew across the distance from the installation to Greensboro, New Jersey. Mushmind turned on his radio and waited. When the timer counted down to zero, the screen blanked out. A smiling face appeared. "Kiss your ass goodbye, leech," said the computer smugly. Todd turned toward his window. SHIT Jason Corona, or Idiot, as his friends called him, banged his head against the desk in frustration. AE took forever to dial in. Finally the phone line to Captain's Cove became free. AE announced that a connection had been made. Jason jumped up. "HURRAY!" Then he hit the bed. A huge boom shook his house and hurt his eardrums. Through the window, a blinding light seared its way into his bedroom. As a result, he missed the opening message. The AE line disconnected him after five minutes, in which time he found out that somebody in his neighborhood had gotten their house blown up. A very interesting opening message: WELCOME TO: THE CAPTAIN'S COVE AE Hello, everybody! This is Captain Casey,and we're finally back up with ten megs of the newest wares. No more power spike jokes, please. Unfortuneatly, we have had quite a few LEECHES around here lately!! The AE was put up for uploads >AND< downloads, remember?? No one person can keep it going and fueled with the latest stuff without help! So UPLOAD!!! As an extra precaution, I've installed a new system on the computer, called Leechproof. It's rather unique, and I don't imagine you'll see it anywhere else in the United States. Thanks to Metal Communications for the concept. Good work, guys. Of course, this program may seem a little drastic to whoever gets caught by it, but it works wonders. Nobody who uses it ever leeches again. So go download, and upload too. And remember, if you see a leech: Nuke him to Hell. Captain Casey AE: Connection terminated -------------------------------------------------------------------------------