///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /// /// /// The Coroner Presents: /// /// The Art Of Farting /// /// Parts 1, 2, and 3 /// /// /// ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// I told my father that I was going to write an entire book about farts and he said forget it. Keep a journal instead, he said. What he actually meant was that it was unlikely for that a 15 year old kid would would write a whole long book about anything, even farts, worthy as the subject might be. That is a quote. So I said, alot you know, I'll do both. Your a real smart ass, he said. But that is pretty much how it happened. Unfortunately there isnt much to a journal at all. I tried for awhile but waiting a journal is somewhat like picking your nose; it is by and large an activity of no intrest to anyone but yourself. As a matter of fact I would guess that most people who keep journals do a lot of nose-picking but that is beside the point. Farts are more fun. I should also explain how I became interested in farts in the first place. A strange interest, my mom says. And I suppose it is. If you think about it, it is suprising how little intrest most people have in farts. As much as people fart. Try and start a conversation with someone about farts and you will see what I mean. They will back off every time. Adults especially. Actually, until this thing happened I never much cared for the subject either. What happened was this. We were back at the old place then. We have since moved. We still had the ping-pong table set up in the back yard under the oak tree. It was always sunny in the morning there. I liked to sit there in the sun and let my cat eat all my cereal. The cat's name was Drut, which is turd spelled backwards. He hates it here, about once a month I have to go get him from the old place and bring him back. Two strange ladies live there now. One of them has a moustache and says we should have Drut's balls cut off and then he'd stay home. No way. However, I think she is joking as otherwise the ladies seem friendly enough. One time when I went to get Drut the two ladies were sitting on the porch and Drut was on the roof and when he saw me coming he jumped down onto at bench and sat down and waited for me, and just as I came up, one lady said to the other one, notice how slow and careful that old tom sits down on his balls. Then they both laughed for quite awhile. I had noticed it myself before. It had never struck me as particularly funny but I believe the two ladies had been sucking on a jug or something. Anyhow they get more and more freindly with me and Drut right along although I hope this is the last time someone calls me 'sonny'. I have got from the subject. On this morning I was sitting there on the ping-pong table. Drut had not yet come in from his adventures and I had eaten my cereal myself. I was just sitting there mellowing out on the peace and quiet when, unknown to me, my old man came out of the woods behind the house. He is a bird freak and was probably out that early checking out some rare and totally unintresting bird. He walked up behind me and just stood there I guess. I never heard him, and then I farted one of the biggest loudest farts of my life. It was a "Skillsaw Fart". One of the best. It sounded like I had sawed the ping-pong table totally in half. What a relief it was! And then right behind me my father said "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" I turned and saw him there..."That's biblical" he said. That fart? I asked. And he said "No...Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" He sat there awhile with me. He seemed to enjoy the whole thing. So I said "Well if its biblical then Ill write a book on farts and see how he likes that" I thought of calling it "STRAF" which is farts spelled backwards but I could see that it was an anal idea. Later, I told my dad about the idea and he told me it was unlikely for a kid my age to write a whole book about anything. Keep a journal instead, was his advice. Well, like I said...I decided to do both! So that anyone who would read this could tell the difference...my idea was to start everything in the journal by writing first "JOURNAL" and everything in the fart book by writing "FART BOOK". My rule was to keep it simple. I thought of doing it first with Dear Journal and the naturally Dear Fart Book...but how weird can you get? Anyhow this should give you an idea of what this work is all about. The journal part may turn out to be pretty dull...but it seperates the farts and that is probably a good thing. And this way, if anyone asks you what it is you are reading you can say that you are reading a stupid journal by a kid or that its a book about farts. It's up to you. To the best of my knowledge there has been no full length work attemped on the subject of farts. Which is hard to figure, as everyone on earth that lives and breathes also farts. Even the President. He farts Oval Farts due to the office. When my dad worked in an office he used to call it the orifice. I like puns but I dont think they belong in a book like this. Otherwise I would have said that the president farts Oval Farts due to his orifice. Which would have been the best pun I have thought of. All farts are divided into two groups 1. Your Farts 2. Somebody elses Farts. There are some farts that only be positively identified when they are your own, such as the different kinds of silent or near silent farts. Odor alone will not always do. There is a feel to some farts that is necessary to their identification and naturally only the farter gets the feeling. In cases of doubt I will try to make clear which of the two groups each fart is apt to be found in. But the reader is asked to keep this in mind for himself when using this guide to avoid unnecessary confusion and false identification. All the farts in this book will be arranged alphabetically. If a person knows his alphabet they should have no trouble understanding this arrangement of figuring things out. A --- THE ALARM FART. This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the ALARM FART. You will be alarmed. The ALARM FART, however, is rare. THE AMPLIFIED FART. This is a fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table, an empty 50 gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong enough to sit on. Any fart made a great deal louder in this way can safely be called an amplified fart. These are common farts under the right conditions. B --- THE BATHTUB FART. People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts dont exist, will have to admit that a BATHTUB FART is somethig special. It is the only fart you can see!!!! What you see is the bubble or bubbles. THE BATHTUB FART can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farters location is what does it. Maybe there is a muffeled pong and one big bubble...or there may be a ping-ping-ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. I fits one of those big heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects...while one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be depressing. Either way...as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubbles, and you have to be quick to glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, THE BATHTUB FART, the most positivly identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly group one unless your a kid thats still small enough to take baths with friends. THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART. Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by name. This can either be group one or group two and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium at an assembly. Right in the silence that happens when a roomful of people has just stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic character about the BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART is its size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger before they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters. THE BURNING BRAKES FART. A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually an adult fart, ocurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger that farts. The BURNING BRAKES FART actually does smell a little like burning brakes and seems to hang around longer than most farts. Which gives the farter a chance to make big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart. C --- THE CAR DOOR FART. Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be concealed. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is also one of the funnier farts when it dosn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common. THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART. This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number and the variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think its overit still has a few pops left to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon. THE CROWD FART. This fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, rank enough to make quite a few poeple look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and starts a fit of coughing or looking at the ceiling as though something up there intrests him. In which case he is the one. Very common. D --- THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART. This is any loud fart in church. This fart was called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to look for as it is the only place it can be found. THE DOG DID IT FART. It is necessary for a dog to be around for this one People who fart and blame it on the dog when there is no dog within miles are making a travesty of the whole fart identification buisness, which is hard enough as it is. This is always a silent fart but with an odor you could blame a dog that was dead. The farter tries to blame it on the dog. He will even go as far as to run the dog out of the room. Do not be fooled. When a dog farts it will usually grunt too. It may even get up and walk away. This is what you should do when you have identified a DOG DID IT FART. They are vile! E --- THE EXCLAMATION FART. This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter or someone must be speaking. For instance the speaker will say..."Ah, shut up!" and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true EXCLAMATION FART. If the speaker is also the farter he can delay the fart until the right time and then force it for all he is worth. If it works it is still a true EXCLAMATION FART, although more often than not it is an accident and for this reason rare. F --- THE FIRE FART. There is probably no other fart about which there is more confusion or which has so many different names. It has been called the Scorcher Fart, the Solar Fart, the Natural Gas Fart etc... But its correct name is simply...the FIRE FART. It is called this because of the sensation it gives the farter after he farts it. It burns! For this reason it is most likely a group one identification. People can make all kinds of faces when they fart. A look of pain when one farts does not necessarily mean they have farted a FIRE FART. Some people look pained when they fart any kind of fart at all. But as a group one fart there is never any question about it at all. You will wonder sometimes if it smokes. The only way this can be a group two fart is if it is confirmed. You have to say to the one who farted "Did that fart burn?" If they say "yes" then you have identified and confirmed a group two FIRE FART. This will not happen very often. But this can also lead to the question of wether farts actually burn or not. If you say to someone who has farted "Did that fart burn?" they are apt to try to turn the subject away from themselves and start an argument. "Farts don't burn, you clod" they might say. Then if you argue back that as a matter of fact a fart will too burn, they will argue back that while a fart is a gas, it is not the kind of gas that burns, or that there isn't enough gas in a fart to burn, or that your weird. I have seen people who know nothing about the subject at all get very pissed about it. Anyone that does not believe a fart will burn should check it out with Joe Brantly, who by now is pretty well known throughout all of Idaho county Idaho as Blue Flame Brantly. Try and tell him that a fart won't burn. He has stopped trying to deny it. There were witnesses. About ten of them. The way it happened was this. Brantly is a big football player with a very hairy ass. A nice guy they say...easy going. So one day after football practice the team was back in the locker room and Brantly had just gotten out of the shower and was drying himself off when some wise ass wondered if the hairs around his ass would burn wet as they were. Joe had one foot up on the bench checking out a bad case of athlete's foot he had and this dude sneaked up behind him with a lighter. With all those people wa tching, just as the kid flicked his bic, Joe farted a big one...and, yes, it burned. Ten people or more saw a long blue flame shoot back about three inches from his ass. I was not there myself. But I have talked to some that were and they swear it happened. Not only did it burn with a long blue flame it caught the hair around his ass on fire and he has to beat it with a towel to put it out. There may still be some who believe a fart wont burn despite this true account. So if you dont believe me go ahead and try it for yourself. This is a Common fart if you prepare for it. THE FIZZLE FART. A very wet fart. The sound is f-z-z-z-z or f-s-s-s-s It is almost a fart that fails but not quite. There is an old saying, kind of a rhyme, that I have never heard all the way through, but it is about an old lady who "...farts and fizzles and rots her pants..." The fizzle mentioned here is the fizzle fart we are talking about. It is not always an old lady's fart but it is always on the damp side and sounds like it. This is a common fart for Senior citizens and people who eat fast foods. G --- THE GOING UP STAIRS FART. A one in a million fart and my personal favorite. The fart breaks on each step as the farter goes up a short flight of stairs. Not a step is missed when it is a true specimen. It is probably caused by being held back and the action of going up stairs cuts some loose. If the fart goes up a note with each step you have the MUSICAL GOING UP STAIRS FART. There is no fart more rare than this one. H --- THE HARD BOILED EGG FART. Odor alone identifies this fart. It stinks of sulfur. Due to the sulfur content of hard boiled eggs. While it is true that sulfur will keep redbugs away when you are out in the woods it is not true that a few HARD BOILED EGG FARTS in the evening will keep the whole campsite free of redbugs for the rest of the night. What it may do is keep the campsite free of other campers for the rest of the night. I --- THE INTERROGATORY FART. This is a fart that seems to ask a question. Ends on an up note. Seems to say "Oh?" or "Well?" It can be a very silly fart when you are alone. As though you are having a conversation with you own ass. Fairly Common. J --- (nothing came to mind) K --- THE KAMIKAZE FART. Sometimes called the Suicide Fart or the Killer Fart. Kamikaze is the correct. (Kamikaze means divine wind for a fact) It wipes everybody out! The farter in every case will have a funny look about him. The farter will be wiped out too. Any person who farts a Kamikaze Fart and brags about it is probably a fart fanatic and probably dangerous in other ways. THE KINKY FART. A person who farts while kissing another person has farted a KINKY FART. This is a rotten thing to do. L --- THE LISP FART. This is a situation that is funny in any situation. Even alone. It is simply a fart that lisps. You will know it when you hear it. It can be particularly funny, a group two identification, when the farter happens to be someone who also lisps when they talk. M --- THE MUD SUCKER FART. The most gross sounding of all farts. It sounds like someone with his foot stuck in the mud slowly pulling it out. Identification is positive by sound alone. No other fart makes a wet sucking noise. Fairly common with tootsie roll eaters. M --- THE MUSICAL FART. This is a special catagory. All MUSICAL FARTS do not necessarily sound musical. This may seem odd but thats the way it works. Who would think the Spanish moss, for instance, is related to the pineapple? But it is. All MUSICAL FARTS are rare and identification is often a matter of opinion. THE CLASSICAL FART. Loud and soft, loud and soft. Goes on when you think it has ended. THE HARD ROCK FART. A highly amplified musical fart. The farter doesn't care if you like it or not. You may not think its musical but he does! THE WHA-WHA FART. This is not a baby fart (those are much more vile) The wha-wha is an electrical pedal for guitarists that makes a guitar waver. Not all people would call this musical however. N --- (I'm at a loss) O --- THE OCTAVE FART. Some people would put this under MUSICAL FARTS. This would be a mistake but some still do it. All small birds that look like warblers are not warblers. Some are vireos. The Octave Fart goes under O. The sound of this fart is one note going up or down a full octave. Rare. P --- THE PING PONG BALL FART. An unusual hollow sounding multiple noted fart. Sound alone is diagnostic. It sounds like a ping-pong ball that has been dropped on a table from several feet up and then bounced till it fell off. There can be quite a wait between bounces. This is possibly the most rare of all multiple noted farts. S --- THE SCRATCHASS FART. The action of the farter is diagnostic in this fart. He has farted and it itches. He just has to scratch. As a group two identification you have to make certain first that the person scratching has actually farted. Some people have a habit of scratching thier ass about every five minutes. Common. THE S'CUSE ME FART. This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as they come. The fart makes a soft little whisper that says "S'cues Me" This can also be farted when you bump into someone and give the same effect as an apology. THE STRING OF PEARLS FART. A most unusual and perfectly toned fart. Round clear evenly spaced notes. This one is a real beauty. Very rich ladies would like to fart this one every time if they could. Very rare. U --- THE UNMENTIONABLE FART. A tricky one to identify, even though it is probably more common than anyone would want to admit. It all depends on the situation or who farted. I will give some examples. You are alone with your girlfriend and she farts. Or you do. It may be loud or rank or both, but either way it is unmentionable. Or you are in the principals office and there it just the principal, his secretary, and you, and you didnt fart but somebody did. Much as you would like to say it wasnt you that farted you know better. Either the principal or his secretary feel the same way. But the other is very happy that it is an Unmentionable Fart. V --- THE VOLKSWAGEN FART. Any good strong fart in a VW when for some reason the windows cant be opened (like in winter) It can strangle people. While I am usually in favor of people farting whenever they have to they should really try not to fart in a closed VW. It would be nice if this were one of the rare farts but it isn't. W --- THE WORKOUT FART. This fart was called to my attention by a friend of mine, named Scott Killman who now lives in Missouri, who frequently works out. The effect is this. A person will be working out doing bench presses arm curls or whatever and he farts a FIRE FART which in turn shoots him into extreme pain...it feels like you've thrown out your stomach muscles and your large intestine at the same time! Meanwhile your laughing so hard that you can't lift the weights to put them back on the mounting. This can be a sticky situation if your doing squats or presses. All too common. Y --- THE YOGA FART. This rare fart is by a person sitting with thier legs crossed thinking very heavy thoughts. The chance at a group two id. is pretty slim, as who wants to hang around a person sitting with thier legs crossed thinking very heavy thoughts. If it is a group one fart and your really into yoga then you should not have even noticed that you farted. This could be a tough one to get on your list unless you or your friends are pretty strange. Z --- THE ZIPPER FART. This is the only fart that starts with a Z. It goes Zzz-z-zip. It hardly sounds like a fart at all. As a matter of fact there may not even be such a fart. Well there it is...the entire book finished at last! I hope I can soon come out with a new subject to write on but things have been slow. Any how this should tide you over till the next project. Maybe I'll finish "THE NECRONOMICON"....and then again maybe I won't! I dont know I'll think of something...but for now this will do..... ....and so it ended!