FUN AT THE BEACH
BY: DIzzIE Ó2001

*Put rusty nails, sharp jagged glass, small dead animals, dog shit, etc…, under a thin layer of sand. The layer should be big enough to totally hide the buried object, but thin enough so that when someone steps on it they'll feel it. Put your "treasure" in the sand in the middle of the beach where there are the most people, or put it on the shores of the water, although it may wash away if you do that. Putting inconspicuous rusty nails under someone's beach towel is also fun.

*This is a hilarious classic trick: when people fall asleep carefully come up and write obscene messages on them with sunblock. My favorites include: drawing a nazi sign on some bitch's forehead, a penis on someone's back, and "I fuck dead people" on someone's stomach. 

*When someone is away or not looking, take the sunblock bottle, pour out all the sunblock and replace with whatever you want. Some ideas include: urine, motor oil, sour milk, white paint, gravy, salad dressing, etc…The sour milk and the white paint are especially good because they are white like the sunblock and if your target is particularly dull he might not even notice the difference.

*When someone is away from their towel and belongings all you have to do is come up casually and take the purse or the backpack, or just fish out the wallet and any jewelry or watches. Before you steal the stuff first watch the person to whom the stuff belongs so that you'll see where he is and therefore when he's not looking or is out far in the water, and if he sees you then just walk away and then burst into a run. 

*Get a long wet piece of seaweed that floats around in the ocean and drop it on someone who's taking a nap, then run as fast as you can. The results are truly hilarious, I've seen people start screaming and jump up ten feet, old or young people are preferred targets. If you just want to be mean, get a bucket of sand and do the same thing as with the seaweed. 

*Try to bury someone who's asleep in the sand. If you do this really slowly and carefully and the person is a deep sleeper, it will work! 

*Get a snorkel mask or some water goggles so that you can see underwater, then swim under people and grab their legs and pretend to pull them down, do this to young or old people (preferably someone weak so that they can't resist), then swim away underwater so that they never see you. You can also take a pin or a needle and prick someone's foot underwater with it. The pricked person will think that he's been stung, and this will cause some good ol' paranoia, especially because the wound will be in salt water and this will elevate the level of pain. 

*See if you can find a part of the beach that has a bunch of jelly fish washed up on its shore, this is highly probable after a big storm has just passed by your town. Take all the jelly fish and generously transport them to the most crowded area of the beach. If you can, raid a local aquarium and steal some eels and jellyfish from there. Get a job at the aquarium and steal an eel a day. 

* "Accidentally" step into a castle that some little kid has just built, crushing it to pieces. If the kid spots you then say that you are ever so sorry…MWAHAHAHA!

*Toss around a frisbee with a friend, making sure that you either constantly toss the frisbee at someone's head or that you are playing in the middle of a crowded beach, tossing sand on everyone. 

*Some beaches have special flags or signs that say things like "no surfing beyond this point, swimming area only," well, why not rip those signs out of the ground, or at least cover them with seaweed. 

*Make official looking signs (at the very minimum just type it on a word processor) that say something along the lines of: "the_______(name of beach) beach has been closed due to a dangerously high level of toxic material in the water. The beach will be cleaned and will be reopened in one week on the _______(date that is one week from today). Thank you for your cooperation, the ______(name of your town) Lifeguard Association, and the _____(name of your town) Sanitation Commission." Print out numerous copies of the signs and find some long sticks. Come to the beach early when no one is there (except the weird guy next to the trash can who's talking to a banana peel named Sparky), and put the sings on the sticks (staple them) then put the sticks at brief intervals along the shore of the beach. Make sure that the signs are easily noticeable; you may want to use brightly colored paper. For added effect get some old metal barrels and put them along the shore. Then stick around and watch as the people come, see the signs, and then leave. 

*Pass around flyers that say that you will be leading a scuba diving expedition for a small fee, around $10 per person. Once you get enough people, rent a boat, and drive out a good way away from the shore. Then put on your own scuba gear, and tell your customers to dive in first; as soon as they do, take off in the boat. Make sure that you make them give you the $10 first thing they get on your boat. Also make sure that this scam is profitable enough, i.e. it covers the expenses for renting a boat and a diving suit. 

*Sneak in a bottle of alcohol and put it in your chosen victim's bag. Keep in mind that beer is the cheapest alcohol but the victim might get in more trouble if it's a half empty bottle of vodka…Spray a few drops on the victim, who is preferably sleeping, and then do your civic duty and go tell the lifeguard or a nearby police officer. As it is an offense to possess alcohol on beaches, your victim will have to pay a fine. Also keep in mind that some beaches may allow certain low alcohol beverages so once again you should go with the vodka. I know for certain that alcohol is illegal on most American beaches, but I'm not sure about international beaches, so adjust your plans accordingly. 

*Of course, keep in mind that all of the above tricks work best when there is no lifeguard on duty (with the exception of the last trick)…

~EnD oF traNsMItiOn~

for more of my philes or to talk about anything, email me: xcon0@yahoo.com