Creative Answering Machine Messages

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.

"Hi. Now you say something."

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure
it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did
not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for
repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her
tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked
while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch
tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone
now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to
work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

This is Judy Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number,
and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a
federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle,
press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and IÍll think about returning your call.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message
and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I donÍt remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If youÍre from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Bob here. I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're
someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what
can I say?

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone
90 degrees and try again.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please multiply your
number by i and try again.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number,
I'll call you back when I am...

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal
Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh,
I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did
you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and
itÍs safe to leave us a message.

This document was accessed on the Garey Graphics Web Site.
http://www.fix.net/~bb/