Warning: Dates in the Calendar are closer than they appear.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Position Available: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Old programmers don't die--they just stop getting upgrades.

"Can I have my gloves back now?" - OJ