ON METAPHYSICS Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk." Steven King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic! ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. ON MISTAKES When looking for a reason why things go wrong, never rule out sheer stupidity. How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to do both? It makes me sick and tired. Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges? How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office? If we can make semi-conductors, why can't we make complete conductors? Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway department puts up a "Hidden Drive" sign? If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound? Why do radio stations interrupt "60 minutes of uninterrupted music" to tell you you're listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music? If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down? What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented? If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair always so neatly combed? Why are America's parks and great outdoors administered by the Department of the Interior? Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot remover? If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be -- clear? Can you call someone on the otherside of the international date line and get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers? Can you really avoid injury in an airplane crash if you jump out when the plane is just a few feet from the ground? If you spread butter on a cat's back and dropped the cat, would it land on its feet? Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to record something?