APPLICATION TO LIVE IN FESTUS, MISSOURI

Name:________________  Nickname:______________  CB Handle:_____________

Address: (RFD):________________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade:  ( ) Light Red  ( ) Medium Red  ( ) Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:  Upper:______  Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________  Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
( ) Gun Rack ( ) 4-Wheel Drive ( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Toothpick Holder
( ) 8-Track  ( ) Load of Wood  ( ) Hijacker Shocks  ( ) Mud-grip Tires
( ) Big Dog  ( ) Racoon Hide   ( ) Dual CB Antenna  ( ) Fuzz Buster
( ) Spitoon  ( ) Camper Top    ( ) Mag Wheels       ( ) Air Horns 
( ) Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
   ( ) Eat More Possum  ( ) Peanut Butter   ( ) Honk if You Love Jesus
   ( ) Wave if You're Horny                 ( ) Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
( ) Grits     ( ) Muscadine      ( ) Cobbler  ( ) Tater
( ) Goobers   ( ) Brogans        ( ) Fatback  ( ) Pig Skins
( ) Collards  ( ) Redeye Gravy   ( ) Tote     ( ) Pinto Beans
( ) Sidemeat  ( ) Sawmill Gravy  ( ) Poke     ( ) Turnip Salit
( ) Chitlins  ( ) Soppin Syrup   ( ) Cracker  ( ) Shit-on-Shingle
( ) Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
( ) Donna Fargo  ( ) Conway Twitty  ( ) Loretta Lynn   ( ) Hank Williams
( ) Elvis        ( ) Slim Whitman   ( ) Tammy Wynette  ( ) Porter Wagoner
( ) Johnny Cash  ( ) Willie Nelson  ( ) George Jones   ( ) Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
( ) Square Dancin'  ( ) Possum Huntin'     ( ) Skinny Dippin'
( ) Craw Daddin'    ( ) Gospel Singin'     ( ) 4-Wheelin'
( ) Drankin'        ( ) Bull Chip Throwin' ( ) Blue Grass Conventions
( ) Spitten' backy  ( ) Other

Weapons Owned:
( ) Deer Rifle   ( ) Bird Gun     ( ) Varmit Rifle  ( ) Sawed-off Shotgun
( ) Tire Iron    ( ) Pick Handle  ( ) Log Chain     ( ) Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___  Type:  ( ) Blue Tick  ( ) Black & Tan  ( ) Beagle

Emblem:  ( ) John Deere  ( ) CAT   ( ) Budweiser  ( ) McCulloch Chain Saw
         ( ) PBR         ( ) NAPA  ( ) Coors      ( ) Skoal
	 ( ) Confederate Flag 	   ( ) Basagran   

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____   Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______   (Claimed):______

Memberships:
( ) KKK   ( ) NRA  ( ) Moose  ( ) PTL Club  ( ) VFW  ( ) American Legion
( ) Bass Club      ( ) United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______  Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) do you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the Missouri Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many?  ______  
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
( ) Sister  ( ) Cousin  ( ) Sow    Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
                To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
  Do you have at least 2 of the following:  
      ( ) BO      ( ) Crabs         ( ) Head Lice  ( ) Bad Breath
      ( ) Scabies ( ) Trench Mouth  ( ) Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

Signature (if any) _____________________________

Fill in as many blanks as you can and mail to:
Mayor's Office
c/o Tanglefoot Saloon
Festus, Missouri 63028



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and here is another thing that kinda goes along with it


YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A REDNECK IF....
 
 Your front porch collapses and it kills more than six dogs.
 You've ever used lard in bed.
 You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
 You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
 Less than half of the cars you own run.
 Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
   the state trooper to kiss her ass.
 Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
 You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and
   seductive tongue gestures.
 You've ever barbecued Spam on a grill.
 The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
 There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
 The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
 The diploma hanging in your den includes the words, "Trucking Institute".
 Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school
   sporting event.
 The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the
   hell are you looking at, shithead?".
 You have a rag for a gas cap.
 You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
 You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
 Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an
   opening on the lube rack.
 You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
 You prominently display a souvenir from Graceland.
 You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
 You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
 Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
 You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
 Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
 You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
 Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
 
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thanx again.

--
driguy@buhub.bradley.edu                             driguy@camelot.bradley.edu

                 Then death comes, and suddenly they know all.