Newsgroups: alt.tasteless,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: [atFAQ 1/2] Welcome to alt.tasteless! (monthly posting)
From: jaydog@aracnet.com (Guilty As Charged)
Followup-To: alt.tasteless
Organization: Church Of Divine Tastelessness, Quality Control Dept.
Keywords: tasteless FAQ
Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.EDU
Summary: alt.tasteless FAQ, monthly posting. Info from the group
that eats the roadkill on the Information Highway.
Archive-name: tasteless/faq
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-Modified: 2000/07/27
URL: http://www.aracnet.com/~jaydog/index2.html
Time-estimate: The intro takes two minutes to read and is worthwhile.
Disclaimer: The following document contains dirty words, descriptions
of dangerous acts, and advocacy of general misconduct. Persons of
sensitive constitution are hereby warned to stop reading right now.
WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS!
Monthly Posting
Editor's Note: Anybody who emails me a 'remove' or 'unsubscribe' message
or sends me a nice little note telling me how I need to get help will
at least be laughed at or, at the editor's discretion, will have their
puckered little missive posted to the newsgroup for abuse from the masses.
Consider yourself warned.
"Get cancer. Die." -- Herry
1) What is alt.tasteless?
A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms. A place
for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour. In alt.tasteless
we like to get into the details. We want the feel of it, the smell of
it, the stench of it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And
then, of course, some rough pictures of it in
alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless or alt.tasteless.pictures. Be sure to
read the FAQ for the group before posting there, though.
You should never post binaries to alt.tasteless, because it might
cause some news admins to kill the group at their site. Let me rephrase
that: you should never...EVER...post binaries to alt.tasteless, because
it pisses off the regulars no end and we will hunt you down and kill you,
slowly, painfully, and with great and lasting pleasure. Then we'll post
a highly detailed description of our activities to alt.tasteless and
pictures of your flayed and squicked corpse to
alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless and alt.tasteless.pictures.
"Spam is not allowed and, if you do it here, we will kill you,
sell your wife and children into slavery, burn down your house,
and plow your fields and sow them with salt so that
nothing will ever grow there again."
--your friendly neighborhood misanthrope
Short jokes have their forum in alt.tasteless.jokes; take advantage of
that. A cross-post is rarely wise.
Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:
-- The joys of raping: epileptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small
furry animals with big wet eyes.
-- "The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had."
-- The joys of: vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your
nose / masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating /
slobbering.
-- Tasteless sex acts.
"Share your cysts, your zits, your tits, your ingrown pubes
with us. Tantalize us with pussy problems, tit trials, butt
bleeding, femme frivolities, gigantic grogans, and amazing
farts. Show us you're one of us." --Mr. Crank
But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story
of a little boy sitting on the throne shouting "Me go plop-plop! Me go
plop-plop!" Others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately
struggling not to miss the bowl screaming, "Me go plop-plop! Me go
plop-plop!" The first is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump
(which is per definition tasteless - not to say forbidden: things you
shouldn't talk about coming out a hole you shouldn't talk about making a
sound you should discuss in every detail... err, sorry making a sound you
shouldn't talk about). The second example brings more sophistication and
delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus labeled as being more
'mature,' the name of the label apparently chosen because innocent
children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
except perhaps the "plop-plop!" bit. This difference in taste was debated
a while ago and ended thus:
2) I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent, mature
tastelessness?
Original, non-monotonous material. Factual, based on fact, or fictional;
vividly graphic or repulsively image provoking. Command of spelling and
grammar to the level of comprehensible.
Examples of non-tasteless, timewasting, useless, boring cunt crap: boring
fiction, recycled fraternity jokes, excessive pointless profanity, vanilla
sex, elementary playground-type 'eww gross' urban legends, license plates,
funny names, 90% of all flaming; "Because his dick tastes of blood,"
"Hearing the pelvic bone snap," "Oops, I farted," and all the other short
jokes; Exploding Whale (true story), Scrotum Self-Repair (not), Flaming
Gerbil Up The Ass (not), The Mormon Guide to Overcoming Masturbation,
and plenty of others. Post your own creations. Get the old stuff at
our ftp site, and tire of it in the comfort of your own living room.
Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste.
This means that merely saying "Bee Gees, ha ha ha" is not enough, you
will generally have to couple it with something really tasteless to make
other people laugh. Yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel
movement stories, but don't let that keep you from posting one.This should
instead raise your ambitions and thus the quality of your story.
Thus, having sussed out that your post is too interesting for sci.med,
too intelligent for alt.stupidity, too sick for alt.sex.bestiality or
alt.torture, too twisted for talk.bizarre, too funny for rec.humor or
alt.tasteless.jokes, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is
unmoderated and the subject line of your article will be seen by
approximately 140,000 people worldwide.
3) WOW! What will happen next?
1. Some will ignore it.
2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
3. Some will read the whole thing.
4. Maybe one or more people will reply to you telling you what they
thought of the article. They might even follow it up if they have
something to add.
This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though
they have nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case
of tasteless talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good
tasteless posts have generated absolutely no response, or in other words
the same response as you'd get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only
to flush it down the toilet.
4) Then why post?
Because you fucking well feel like it!
5) But this stuff is disgusting / immoral / dangerous / etc.!
"It is YOUR God, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell."
--Uncle Brian (d.2000)
Every now and then some dickless weasel constipated on his own religion
or set of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his
standard "This is not funny" drivel. Best thing is to ignore him. Next
best is to mail him with the likewise standard reply "Then why do you read
it?" A follow-up is not a good solution here, unless you choose to flame
him to ashes in such an inspired way that the readership of alt.tasteless
also benefits. This is very very hard. If, however, you do so, YOU ARE THEN
STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO SET THE FOLLOW-UP TAG TO: 'Followup-To: alt.flame.'
After all, we have important work to do here. All this formal information
may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but all the stuff
that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been recommended in
order to make the newsgroup more chaotic--not less--and not a boring
newsgroup with 3 month cycles of repeated semi-tasteless garbage.
It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!
Post quality. Encourage quality. Discourage crap. Be entertaining, be
creative, or shut the fuck up.
That's the simple secret to keeping alt.tasteless a living forum and
community. We'd rather see 12 good posts in a year from your keyboard
than 12 crap ones a week. You'll even get more respect that way. Also,
thank people for amusing you. That's the only payment they get. Don't be
afraid to tell badly educated idiots to shape up. That's probably the
only education they'll get, and if they can't take the heat, they don't
belong.
6) My site doesn't carry alt.tasteless and/or
alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless, what can I do about it?
"With modern GUI's like WIN9x and Mac8.x, even a spastic
ring-tailed lemur with poor eyesight and Downs' syndrome
should have little difficulty navigating the Internet
and finding desired information." --Citizen Ted
Best bet: Grovel at the feet of your news admin. Or get a different ISP.
If that doesn't work you'll have to read it/post to it from another
site. Once upon a time there was a FAQ about how to get banned newsgroups,
but sites like Dejanews and Supernews have pretty much made that obsolete.
And if that's not enough of a hint, you wouldn't survive AT for long.
7) Where are the archives?
A.T. isn't fully archived, but some of the best articles of past years
are stored at The Official Alt.tasteless ftp-site:
Your nice host and contact person there is Mr. Squick (squick@squick.com).
He wants you to know that anonymous connections are throttled during
business hours, Monday through Friday, PST.
If you have archives that you would like to submit to the archive,
please email him about it. DO NOT SEND THE ARCHIVE, just a message that
you have one to upload.
On the web, you can also check out:
Jaydog's "alt.tasteless: Solidarity Through Moral Bankruptcy" page:
Jim Park's "Tasteless Homepage"
Other sources for alt.tasteless literature are:
/Library/Fringe/Gross, but frankly, it sucks. /Library/Untech is probably
more appealing. Good tasteless comedy is available from cathouse.org
/pub/cathouse/ Look for _Bottom_ and _Derek&Clive_.
You'll also be able to find the exploding whale news story in .AVI format
there as: /pub/cathouse/urban.legends/gif/whale.avi and there are even some
posts by Bob Christ inappropriately misplaced under /humor.
8) What other sources are there?
[Editor's note: as of August 1997 the following info has not been
verified.]
You can get the Roadkill Calendar by sending $7 to:
Jeanie M
Box 52
Valhalla, NY 10595
_Penises of the Animal Kingdom_ poster, $11:
Scientific Novelty Co
Post Office Box 673
Bloomington, IN 47402
(812) 331-8744.
Archie McPhee, Outfitters of Popular Culture
P.O. Box 30852
Seattle, WA 98103 USA
(206) 782-2344
should also be able to deliver a good number of tasteless things (blow up
mosquitos and the like).
9) What about flames..?
"Oh, and welcome to alt.tasteless: the rabid
doberman of the Alt heirarchy." --StukaFox
Tedious, aren't they? Some can elevate it to an art form
(alt.flame/talk.bizarre '91 and '92, alt.peeves '93 and '94). If you
can too, flame away. But beware; we've got a few regular denizens that
are professionals. You may well live to regret flaming in a.t.
9.1) ...trolls?
Excerpted from the Internet Jargon File:
troll v.,n. 1. [From the Usenet group alt.folklore.urban] To utter a
posting on Usenet designed to attract predictable responses or flames;
or,the post itself. (...) 2. An individual who chronically trolls in
sense 1; regularly posts specious arguments, flames or personal attacks
to a newsgroup, discussion list, or in email for no other purpose
than to annoy someone or disrupt a discussion.
Talk about tedium. Regulars in alt.tasteless are not known for their
tolerance of cluelessness, and can therefore become prime troll-bait. The
weary old troll in the form of a "how do I unsubscribe from this
*disgusting* mailing list?" message still snares a few each time it shows
up, roughly once or twice a month.
Other trolls are somewhat more sophisticated, but their goal and purpose
remains the same: to draw a predictable and shopworn response. It's not
hard to recognize them, so the responsible a.t. reader should know better
than to encourage them. We've got too much noise and not enough signal to
warrant a less-than-original torture flame. We prefer you not give them
the satisfaction.
In short: feeding the trolls is considered pointless, boring, and a sign
of clue deficiency. Don't. Instead, go read the alt.syntax.tactical FAQ at
and develop a clue.
9.2) ...and newsgroup invasions?
"Hot $hit on Toast, we're now getting crossposts from
alt.tasteless, the absolute cesspool of USENET!"
--brucewolfe@erols_.com, in alt.support.arthritis
Freaking out normal people with our hideousness has a long tradition
in alt.tasteless. The first recorded a.t. NI was Rauli Lauhanen's
one-man invasion of talk.abortion, talk.rape and soc.motts, Dec 13th
1991. He told alt.tasteless that he was about to invade the
faggot/lesbian/religious fundamentalist groups using his new account.
On Dec 17th he posted a series of highly offensive rants/stories, the
first being:
From: cunt@cc.tut.fi (Lauhanen Rauli)
Newsgroups: talk.abortion,talk.rape,soc.motss,alt.tasteless
Subject: Re: Homosexuality and Rape
Summary: Also women have the right to be raped !
They all got cancelled, and he lost the account (temporarily).
Rec.pets.cats was first targetted as a deserving havoc spot in March
'93, and war was declared. On the front line we found:
From: markp@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (Mark A. Pitcher)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: WAR PROGRESS REPORT: A.T. vs R.P.C.
But the hardest (and most publicised) battle was that in September
instigated Adam Steele (adam@cs.concordia.ca), with Trashcan Man
(tobio@panix.com) doing the hardest work, and losing his student account in
the process. Read all about it on his home page
(http://www.cc.columbia.edu/~ct22/index.html), or at Wired's web site at
(http://www.wired.com: Issue 2.05, features, "The War Between rec.pets.cats
and alt.tasteless"). Or get the std_pack from the ftp-site.
Before embarking on an invasion consider whether it'll be fun enough
to be worthwhile. Usually it won't. If you're new to a.t., you may also
want to consider whether the anal rape you're likely to get at the hands
of the a.t. regulars will be worth it. If you're truly interested in
invasions, wander over to alt.troll or alt.syntax.tactical. And leave a.t.
out of it.
Actually, alt.tasteless is invaded from time to time by clueless newbies,
some being professional clueless newbies who take pleasure in pushing the
buttons that starts stupid, tiring flamewars with the same old tired,
nominally tasteless imagery. If you want to punish them, do it silently
somewhere where you won't look like a fool. Old timers know how to do this.
10) What is this shit-eating picture that everybody keeps referring to?
"Well, everyone here already knows I don't like spoo
in the face. But that's an aesthetic thing." --Lorri R.
Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of
woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an
alt.tasteless idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued
the two together and called it crap.jpg. But they're quite good, actually.
lortbg.gif is the small version that can be used as a background on a home
page. It should be part of the 1995 archive.
11) Aren't you all just a bunch of 15-year-old wankers?
A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years and a 1993
survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds (but that's an altogether
different matter). A 1994 survey then corrected the average age to 27.53
years, and the average weight to 184.8 pounds. 89.4% considered themselves
male. All were wankers, and 92.1% admits to having beaten off in a public
place. The 1997 survey updated things still further-- the average age of
an AT subscriber is 31 years old, with a professed range from 17 to 55
and an average weight of 193.1 pounds. 88.1% were male last time they
checked. And an even 100% admitted to wanking an average of every
1.143 days. Assuming an average of 1.5 teaspoons of spoo shot each time,
that means the average at'er spilled 79.8 ounces of joy juice last year.
So, to answer your question: yep, we're a bunch of wankers.
12) What's the 'Tasteless Secret Santa'?
"The Tasteless Secret Santa Gift Exchange" is a cosy seasonal activity
coordinated by Dave Hall (thehalls@ridgecrest.ca.us). It's about sharing
tastelessness across geographic and governmental borders, and involves you
sending a package to someone you may or may not have ever met. Dave took
over from Pamelush, who conducted the exchange to the disgust of everyone
concerned--which, in a.t. terms, is a rousing success. Dave usually starts
accepting reservations to participate around August, and closes the
reservations mid-October or so. Watch the newsgroup for more information.
13) Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and of
people struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless.
That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for their
efforts in the group. During the year you're encouraged to save nomi-
nations grouped in the following categories:
1. fiction
2. non-fiction
3. quote
4. flame [i.e. too long to be just a quote]
5. concepts [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook]
6. ordinary life [e.g. Jack in the box]
7. gif-image [from alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless]
Near election time someone, usually Mike Weber/Ubiquitous
(weberm@polaris.net), will step forward and ask for your nominations.
14) Is there an a.t. masonic style greeting?
Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The
call for distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead
father!?" This will usually give you all the help you want.
The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished
out around the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is op-
tional. Only known to be in use in Australia.
"There are *dozens* of real-life Walking Time Bombs
lurking in and around these parts -- living, breathing
human nightmares that might just leap at the chance to
call your bluff." --Vomit Boy
It has been known to happen that ATers on various coasts of the US and
in other places worldwide may gather together for reasons best not mentioned
here. We've seen everything from a trip to the strip-joint for two ATers
from the same area to a full-blown SquickFest with ATers from thousands of
miles away showing up. It's always all nice and friendly and stuff until,
suddenly, it's not. While for some of the regular readers and posters,
AT is a place to check out some gross-making fiction, there are those
who are very serious. Here's a secret: many of the people who stick
around AT for any length of time *are not very nice*. No, really. Sure,
there's plenty of made-up crap floating around. However, most of the better
stuff is 100% true. We really do have people here who eat shit. We really
do have a gay skinhead who has fucked or been fucked by over 1200 men. We
really do have people who have done hard jail time for assault. We have
members to whom extreme torture is a sexual thrill. We have members who
have committed rape, molested children, killed animals just for the fun
of it. As a general rule, WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP. So if you decide
you want to meet someone in real life that you met on alt.tasteless (or
anywhere else on the Internet, for that matter), make damn sure you know
what you're getting into. The loose collection of nutbags that comprises
alt.tasteless will not be responsible for what happens if you decide to
meet some random shithole in a bar and you then end up in multiple suitcases.
We will, however, laugh about it.
15) I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?
Possess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.
Optional: get as much as you can from the ftp-site.
16) I'd like to have an academically waterproof excuse for reading
a.t.
A good place to start might be the FDA/CFSAN Defect Action Handbook,
located at . This is the
book that sets out exactly what kind of surprises are legally allowed
in your food; things like the amount of fly eggs in tomato juice, the
amount of rodent feces in hot dogs, and so on. Great dinner reading.
A hardcover option might be _Kritik der zynischen Vernunft_ and is
written by Peter Sloterdijk. It might be translated to your language.
The book is about cynicism, the ancient and wonderful approach to life.
It's well-written, funny and astoundingly learned. Adorno in a good mood.
[Editor's note: a comment from a recent Deutscher correspondant:
"The book is mostly boring; YMMV."]
You should also try to get _Rabelais and his world_; by Mikhail
Bakhtin. It's not an easy read, but it tells you about life in the
middle ages, a wonderful age comparable to our own on many counts.
Both books are translated to english and can be ordered at
http://www.books.com. Or your at your local book shop:
Critique of Cynical Reason (Theory and History of Literature, Vol 40)
By Sloterdijk, Peter (Aut)
PUBLISHER: U Mn Pr CATEGORY: Literary Criticism
PUB DATE: 01/88 ISBN: 0816615861
BINDING: Paperback PRICE U.S.: $19.95
Rabelais and His World
By Bakhtin, Mikhail (Aut)
PUBLISHER: Indiana University Press CATEGORY: Literature Classics
PUB DATE: 08/84 ISBN: 0253203414
BINDING: Paperback PRICE U.S.: $15.95
--------------------
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
--------------------
This information applies to usenet as a whole and the internet in general.
If you are at all interested in not pissing off everyone you meet, you'll
at least browse the following sites. Also, make a habit of reading
everything in news.announce.newusers at least once a year, and browse
through news.answers occasionally.
As a _minimum_, you probably ought to read the following documents in
news.announce.newusers:
What is Usenet?
What is Usenet? A second opinion.
Rules for posting to Usenet
Hints on writing style for Usenet
A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
If you don't like to read so much, you shouldn't be on the internet.
Web sites of interest include:
The Usenet Info Center:
The news.admin.net-abuse FAQ:
The rn Killfile FAQ:
The Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial Email FAQ:
Frequently Asked Questions About Spam:
The Blacklist of Internet Advertisers:
Well then, end of FAQ.
--
QUALITY CONTROL DIVISION
ALT TASTELESS INDUSTRIES
2000