Archive-name: tasteless-lexicon
Last-Modified: 1998/03/01

The original alt.tasteless Encyclopedia Horribilis is available on the Web,
 in a graphically enhanced form, at :
    http://www2.coastalnet.com/~z5x4z6wm/hrrk

ObDisclaimer: The following document contains dirty words, descriptions
 of dangerous acts, and advocacy of general misconduct. Persons of
 sensitive constitution are hereby warned to stop reading right now.

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         THE ALT.TASTELESS LEXICON
 *-----------------------------------------*

TASTELESS TERMINOLOGY AND ABBREVIATIONS

AT:
 Short for 'alt.tasteless'. 'ATer' refers to an alt.tasteless regular.

NAMBLA:
 The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil rights/political
 organization. They support consensual intergenerational relationships
 and help educate society about the true nature of such relationships.
 NAMBLA publishes a Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by first
 class mail to its members. (It includes news, feature articles, letters,
 book reviews, short stories, etc.) They also publish a literary Journal
 (literary gifted AT'ers take note, this might be your way to fame), books
 and other material (all of which are strictly legal).

 For further discussions contact Roy Radow (radow@netcom.com). He is
 their spokesperson on the net. For a packet containing a sample Bulletin,
 publications list and membership information send $1.00 postage to:
     NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018.

ObT:
 An abbreviation for 'ObTasteless'. 'Ob' means 'obligatory,' and you
 usually append an ObTasteless at the end of your post if it hasn't been
 sufficiently tasteless.

TWINK(IE):
 Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden, cream-
 filled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US, Twinkies(tm) are
 snack cakes with these same properties.) The opposite of 'bear' or 'daddy'.
 These terms are common among gays.


TASTELESS ACTIVITIES

ASSWIPING:
 Most male AT'ers wipe front to back with their right hand, usually sitting,
 leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper after the wipe, and
 some taste and kiss it.

FELCHING:
 Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
 to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
 reaching, use a straw.

PIERCINGS:
 Piercings are considered by many to be inherently tasteless. For more
 information, see the rec.arts.bodyart Piercing FAQ.

REAMING:
 Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.

RIMMING:
 Sphincter licking.

SQUICKING:
 The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious. Skull
 fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
 partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingie. A proper squicking
 requires you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull)
 and pork its brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres
 is said to provide you with firestorming orgasms. The variations are of course
 endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller (geoffm@netcom.com). But
 please do only contact him in expert matters concerning squicking, as he
 cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla squicking.

 'Squick' is also used as a synonym for 'being pushed beyond ones limits' in
 alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the
 word (i.e.: "That article really squicked me" or, "He squicked my arsehole.")


TASTELESS ANATOMY AND GENERAL BIOLOGY

CHOAD:
 Prick. Cock. Dick. ManTool. Vibrating snotmonster. One-eyed trouser
 snake. You get the idea. A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis,"
 the word "choad" dates back a good long time. We think maybe it's from
 Middle English but we're all too damned lazy to check the OED. According
 to The Jargon File 4.0.0:
    "[I'm not.  It isn't. --ESR] This term is alleged to have been
     inherited through 1960s underground comics, and to have been
     recently sighted in the Beavis and Butthead cartoons. Speakers
     of the Hindi, Bengali and Gujarati languages have confirmed that
     `choad' is in fact an Indian vernacular word equivalent to `fuck';
     it is therefore likely to have entered English slang via the
     British Raj."
 Anyway, it was kept barely alive somehow, and has achieved a well-
 deserved resurrection and re-erection on . The tireless literary antics
 of David Garrett (garrett@math.rice.edu) and Adam Thornton
 (adam@owlnet.rice.edu) have nearly succeeded in revamping the word,
 bringing it to its full turgid glory. Beavis and Butthead have been known
 to use the word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker"
 to mean, roughly, "a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to
 casually toss off a reference to a "willy," a "wankie," a "dick," a 
 "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)," a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)," or a
 "schlong," think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead. Be come
 a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the choad to once again roam
 the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect. A choadstool
 is then what we call the fungal growth found on an unwashed scrotum.

CHURD:
 A fecal dildo.

CUNT:
 A cunt by any other name would smell as rank. Cunt is "Vittu" [v!too]
 in Finnish, and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in Cree. The Germans yell
 "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under normal circumstances, and "Mose" when they
 want to indicate that the tuna in question is slightly smaller, a
 little pinker and more wet than the usual slobbering crotch wound.

GROGAN:
 The product of defecation; a piece of shit. The brown color of feces
 is caused by stercobilin and urobilin, which are derivatives of
 bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile, is derived from
 breakdown products of dead red blood cells, specifically the toxic
 parts of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules. That's why athletes
 on steroids have white shit: the steroids fuck up the liver so it
 can't throw the toxic stuff into the feces where it belongs.

 The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial action;
 these vary from one person to another, depending on each person's
 colonic bacterial flora and on the type of food eaten. The actual
 odoriferous products include indole, skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen
 sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you the nastiest smelling shits
 if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for too long. A pound of
 pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a sure winner
 among scatological connaisseurs.

QUEEF:
 Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.

SMEGMA:
 A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the
 glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it, few have the nerve
 to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A shame, really, as this
 homegrown product easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses
 made from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk).

SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN:
 A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of
 poorer women who did not wear undergarments - common until the nineteenth
 century. A sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not
 washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat, smegma (qv)
 and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it reached a certain size and
 weight, it tended to work loose and drop from under the woman's skirt.
 Contemporary writings, including those of Pepys and Boswell, mention men
 employed in London churches to sweep up sootikins after services. There
 even exists one scurrilous account, from an anonymous source, of a tell-tale
 sootikin being allegedly found under or suspiciously close to Queen Anne's
 chair in St. Paul's Cathedral during the Thanksgiving Service for the end of
 the War of the Spanish Succession. 

SPLINTH:
 Split-stream pissing caused by dried spooge, menstrual juices, or STD
 drippings across the opening of the choad.

SPOOGE DONOR or SPOO-TOY:
 Provider of spooge. Usually male; not always human. Often abbreviated
 'SD' or 'ST'.

SPOOGE RECEPTICLE:
 Recipient of spooge. Not always female; occasionally human. Usually
 abbreviated 'SR'. Guaranteed to offend the sensibilities of politically
 correct choadsmokers and rugmunchers.

URINE:
 Just like shit, urine can be perceived by all 5 senses and the special
 6th bodily fluid sense that the old time ATer unavoidably develops, so
 we will not go into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather
 the info will concern its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can.

 How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of
 things, the most important being the concentration of waste products
 in this wine for gods. If you drink someone's urine after they've had
 a sixpack, your kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste
 products, but it may not then have the desired taste / smell /
 consistency.

 Why drink pee then? The scientific explanation is that urine, and
 morning urine in particular, contains high amounts of melatonine,
 which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse during the night. Apart
 from having a soothing and pain-killing effect, melatonine also cheats
 the body into believing that it has slept more than it actually has.
 This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment. The
 piss of sexually immature children contains more melatonine than adult
 piss, which explains the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant
 piss. So maybe you should spend more time lurking in the bushes near
 the playground forcing the kids to piss in your smurf beer mug. You'll
 feel much better and much more equanimous. Cheers.

 Skinhead John, aka Savage Pisser (squicker@servtech.com) is the current
 piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him anything weewee related you like.
 He'll be happy to help you.


TASTELESS INSULTS
 The crafting of a fine insult is truly an art in alt.tasteless. We insult
 virtually everyone and everything at one time or another. Keep this in mind
 when you become the target--and you will. It may not be personal; you may
 have just walked in at the wrong time. O'course, it's probably just because
 you're a choadsmoking punk.

  A true tasteless sensibility can fill one or two well-placed words with a
 lifetime of vitriol. Words like 'nigger' or 'faggot' are rarely used, since
 any gibbering idiot can throw out vanilla profanity. In the immortal words
 of VJ, "Profanity is the last resort of inarticulate motherfuckers." ATers
 are more likely to use terms like choadsmoker, pillowbiter, spunk-for-brians,
 ring bandit, fucknuckle, wankstain, or cooter clot. Here's a few donations
 from the gang, to start you off right:    

    "Fucking chunder-swilling choad-reaming filbert feltcher." (Lorri R.)
    "Blow me, you little gook pisspuddle." (Vinnie)
    "EAT a bowl of DICK." (mc2)
    "I wouldn't even grant you the grace of sniffing my nipples, you
      brain-dead fucking cunt!" (Citizen Ted)
    "Were *both* your parents retarded, or just the one that got raped?"
      (Sharv)
    "Wouldn't give 'em the sweat off my nuts." (Uncle Brian, referring to
      the hyper-religious)


TASTELESS HEROES
  There is a continuing fascination with serial killers, the stunningly
 stupid, and those with adventurous sex lives. We call these people Heroes.
 In most cases, they help to keep the shallow end of the gene pool free of
 pollutants, but others provide role models that we can only dream of
 emulating.

  CHARLES DARWIN: Also known as Father Darwin or Unca Chuck, Darwin was the
 author of the theory of evolution. He is also AT's Patron Saint of stupid
 people. Not in the sense of watching over drunks and fools; more in the
 sense of dancing on their graves. 'A Darwin' refers to some action that
 removes the offending party, and often any spawn, from the gene pool. A
 darwin doesn't always have to be fatal; anything that removes the ability
 to breed can qualify.

  JEFFREY DAHMER: Usually referred to as Saint Jeff, Jeffrey Dahmer was also
 known as 'the Minneapolis Cannibal Killer'. St. Jeff would pick up fucktoys
 in gay bars, take them home, kill them, and eat them. Later in his career, he
 would drug them and, opening their skulls with an electric drill, would
 attempt to create mindless sex slaves out of them. AT legend has it that he
 posted to the group in early 1991, not long before before his arrest. Sadly,
 St. Jeff was beaten to death in a prison shower in 1994.

  VERONIKA MOSER: Vernokia Moser is the star of a number of German scat flicks.
 Newbies to AT are often shocked and amazed by the amount of shit-eating porn
 available on the net, but we like to think that it just proves that
 tastelessness is more common than some people want you to think. Note that
 there's a 'Veronika Moser' with an Italian email address; this is not our
 heroine. 


TASTELESS MEDIA
  Tastelessness can be found anywhere, if one is willing to look. Movies,
 television, and bands often provide hours of entertainment for the tasteless
 critic. Porn is usually tasteless, but the fun is in finding tastelessness in
 straight media. AT Favorites include the TV shows "Beavis and Butthead" and
 "South Park", the movies "Trainspotting" and "Bloodsucking Freaks",
 and bands like Cannibal Corpse, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, and Frank Zappa.


TASTELESS PETS

CATS:
 The domesticated feline is one of the most notorious co-dependent assholes
 in the animal kingdom, and is therefore ideally suited as a pet for humans.
 Many humans mistake cat behavior for affection.  If they stay, it's
 because you feed them.  If they lick you, it's because you taste good --
 your cat would kill you and eat you if it could.  If they shit or piss in
 their sandbox, it's by accident.  They only like to be petted because it
 reminds them of their mother, which is why they drool and push their claws
 into you.  They'll only sit on your lap because you're heated furniture. 
 About their only redeeming trait, shared with humans and few other
 creatures, is their perfect willingness to kill anything they can just for
 the fuck of it.

DOGS:
 Dogs are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter
 of almost any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons,
 condoms and socks. It might be a profound wish for another tail that
 makes the dogs eat these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out
 their puss-oozing and mite-ridden asses. They're also familiar with
 shitting and vomiting in the living room. The life of a canine is one
 long party.

                *-----------------------------------------*
                      CHURCH OF DIVINE TASTELESSNESS
                      QUALITY CONTROL DIVISION - 1998
                *-----------------------------------------*