From Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Sun Jan 18 10:36:46 1998 Path: news.aracnet.com!news.structured.net!news-out.communique.net!communique!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news.enteract.com!newsfeed.enteract.com!sharvey From: Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: Survey Results 0/5: Introduction Date: 18 Jan 1998 18:36:46 GMT Organization: Burpleson AFB Lines: 42 Message-ID: <69ti3u$mfj@eve.enteract.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: adam.enteract.com X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 unoff BETA release 970115] Xref: news.aracnet.com alt.tasteless:12467 Results of the 1997 alt.tasteless Reader Survey & Census INTRODUCTION If you're reading this, the odds are you're a white American male, about 5'10", 193 pounds, aged 31 years, right-handed, working in the computer field, and have been skulking about in a.t. for one to two years. If this does not describe you, or you have a detail fetish, read on. The 1997 Survey Team collected a grand total of 42 ballots, from which we will be forced to extrapolate the demographics of the entire group. The number of casual readers and lurkers is most likely in the tens of thousands, so feel free to increase these numbers by any order of magnitude you deem appropriate. For the sake of accuracy, the Statistical Analysis Group was forced to eliminate certain replies. These are one of the sacrifices of our art. For instance, when tabulating the handedness of the respondents, we chose to exclude replies such as "I use my choad," and analyze only the normal right-left-either responses. Fear not, all the unusual replies have been preserved for your snickering and banal amusement. Every section on the survey had an "Other/Comments" field, and those submissions are presented immediately following the statistics. The official comments from the Survey Team will be enclosed in square brackets, [just like this.] For ease of reading, the Survey Results document has been broken up into several articles. [0/5] Introduction [1/5] Demographics and A.T. History [2/5] Substance Use and Disgusting Traits [3/5] Choads -n- Hooters [4/5] Gettin' Off [5/5] Ass-Wiping, Childhood Memories, Killers, Handicaps, and Comments === Next Section: Demographics === From Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Sun Jan 18 10:38:08 1998 Path: news.aracnet.com!news.structured.net!news-out.communique.net!communique!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news.enteract.com!newsfeed.enteract.com!sharvey From: Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: Survey Results 1/5: Demographics Date: 18 Jan 1998 18:38:08 GMT Organization: Burpleson AFB Lines: 300 Message-ID: <69ti6g$mfj@eve.enteract.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: adam.enteract.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 unoff BETA release 970115] Xref: news.aracnet.com alt.tasteless:12468 1997 Reader Survey & Census Results Part One: Demographics and A.T. History GENDER: (note, the ballot asked for gender currently, and gender at birth; only current genders were tabulated) Male: 88.1% (37) Female: 11.9% (5) "I'm a male-to-male transsexual!" "This is what I am told, anyway." "Now a tender gender-bender." ============================================================= AGE: Average: 31.0 years Oldest: 55 Youngest: 17 Total: 1116 years "Born on a leap year." [reported age as "11"] "I used to be a boy genius, but I outgrew it." "Your Age: 33______ Comments: But I look 32!" "Comments: Fuck yourself. Howzat?" "Physical : 38 Mental: 14" "This [40] is only chronologically--some portions feel older on some days, and others feel younger. I guess as an average, I would say I average out to be 34." ============================================================= HEIGHT: Average: 70.875 inches, or just under 5'11" Total: 2551.5 inches, or a little over 212 feet 69^x: Assuming the distance between the average a.t.'ers face and naughty bits is approximately 2/3 their height, if all the respondents 69'ed end-to-end, we'd form a human chain approximately 143 feet long. Group photo, anyone? "Above sea level: 673 Feet 9 Inches" "I don't know how many Meters since the metric system is the tool of the devil." ============================================================= WEIGHT Average: 193.1 pounds "While suspended by nutsack from ceiling, 645 Pounds" "1e-29 Solar masses (roughly)" "_285_ Pounds __3 foil-wrapped__ Kilos __1__ Solar masses (rounded up)" "__20 pounds too fucking much__ Pounds" ============================================================= HANDEDNESS: Right: 80.6% (25) Left: 16.1% (5) Either: 3.2% (1) "I use my choad." "I eat/write with my left; run the mouse with my right, and masturbate ambidextrously." "Amby when wanking." "When masturbating, I use both hands. Ambidextrous in nosepicking. Right-handed for ass-wiping." "Mostly Freak of Nature [lefty], but some right-handedness remains from being slapped on the knuckles by the nuns. I still write and throw right-handed." "Left if it writes or shoots; right otherwise." ["Shoots" - so, does that include wanking?] "[...] with two-handed activities (cricket bats, chainsaws, squicking) I'm left handed." "...depends on which prosthetic arms are in use at the time." ============================================================= RACE: All reported white, with the following few exceptions: "Texan." "I guess I'm pink (3/4 white, 1/4 red)." "Resemble classical Aryan stormtrooper." "Bonafied Cajun. We're petitioning for minority status." "Half Indian (Cheyenne, Yellow Hand Clan), the rest an amalgam of Scots, Irish, English, Welsh, German, and maybe some Greek too, we're not really sure...." [Usually described as "my ancestors slept around a lot."] "Neo-Celtic" "Angloafroitalian" [I didn't know the mafia admitted mulattos...] "barney is one of my kids" ============================================================= NATIONALITY: U.S.: 74.3% (26) Canada: 11.4% (4) U.K.: 5.7% (2) Australia/N.Z.: 5.7% (2) Germany: 2.9% (1) "[x] Other: _TEXAN" "[X] Other: I'm an American. Isn't that tasteless enough?" "(Kiwi) New Zealander why? better than being a yank or shudder, American." "England, and we should have our own section" [That's precisely what the Brits had half the world saying in the 19th century...] ============================================================= OCCUPATION: Computers: 32.5% (13) Student: 10.0% (4) Engineer: 10.0% (4) Medicine: 7.5% (3) Government: 7.5% (3) Sales: 7.5% (3) Military/Police:5.0% (2) Legal/Lawyer: 5.0% (2) Sex-Trade Pro: 2.5% (1) Advertising: 2.5% (1) TV/Radio: 2.5% (1) Publishing: 2.5% (1) Self-Employed 2.5% (1) "I'm a college student, I live off of the scraps that I can squeeze out of others." [This is precisely why "student" was NOT a choice on the original ballot.] "Oral Sex consultant" "Wow," you must be saying to yourself, "This bastard's got one hell of a resume!" "Shit," I'm saying to myself, "Why am I the NT admin, PBX admin, 'physical systems admin', office security (hahahahahahahahaha), electrician, network engineer, Network Ops manager, customer service person, as well as my SR's chef and SD, *and* dealing drugs as well, and still only making 24,000 a year? Fuck." "I get paid to come up with new and exciting ways to kill people." "This time next year I hope to have moved to the farm and will be actively overseeing the lusty reproduction of meat goats!!" "writer/cheatin' the gub'ment" "Beer Bottle Deposit Redemptions" "Amateur brain surgeon and pipette-sucker" "I am a Tape Loader. That is, I have the meaningful task of actually loading cassette shells with prerecorded tape. Anyone like Reno and Smiley? On the other hand, Redd Foxx was allright." [Anyone ever actually HEARD of "Reno and Smiley"?] "I am paid large sums of money to smoke dope & ravish stunning teen babes." ============================================================= BEEN READING a.t. FOR HOW LONG? 1 - 6 months: 21.1% (8) 6 months - 1 year: 7.9% (3) 1 to 2 years: 34.2% (13) 2 to 3 years: 10.5% (4) 3+ years: 21.1% (8) "longer": 5.3% (2) ============================================================= DID YOU READ THE FAQ BEFORE POSTING? Total YES: 76.7% (23) Total NO: 23.3% (7) YES, with a human-skin bound copy of the FAQ handy: 33.3% (10) NO, called me a Nazi for trying to make them read the FAQ: 6.7% (2) "Yeah, but I had it tattoed on my SR's arse, so I could read it whilst licking her arse in the 69 position." [Now THAT's what I call dedication to the cause - for both partners!] "At my last place of employment, I kept a copy posted on the wall of my cubicle. People would come to see me, I'd be on the phone, and they'd start reading. After a page or so, they'd start giving me odd looks. After a while, word must have gotten around, because people would either make a point of hanging out, or they'd put on blinders when they got near." "Well, but the second time, after being flamed..." "I wanked to the FAQ before posting my first article." ============================================================= WHEN NOT READING a.t., WHAT ARE YOU DOING? "Tasting canine semen samples." "Wondering why my shit isn't as appealing as everybody else's, masturbating, sleeping in the wet spot, while the spooge dries to crusties on my belly." "...sleeping, eating, excreting, playing computer games, and working, in that order." "Fucking mentally ill women. This is no joke." "Ignoring my family, cheating on my wife and wanking to beat the band." "Trying to blow up the world." "Masturbating in the 2nd floor bathroom, insulting cow-orkers, smoking dope. Usually in that order." "Observing alt.binaries.pictures.grotesque, providing technical support to idiots who shouldn't be allowed near a computer, commenting on my SD's frequent farts, renovating our farm house, and sleeping. In between reading books--you know, the things made of paper with words printed on them...." "Drinking, humping my SR, drinking, working, watching TV, drinking." "Reading other groups and pretending I am not tasteless." "Scouting for boys." "Plotting the overthrow of the human race." -> Wanking -> Planning to wank -> Renting videos to wank to -> Daydreaming about wanking -> Looking for places to wank -> Memorizing women's anatomical details for later recall during wanking -> Wiping squeeter off of hands and choad "Looking at the paper for seeds and bits of tomato skin." "Thinking impure thoughts." "Working, raising kids, boinking wife, refereeing hockey, playing music (bass, trombone), being a politician (city council)" "Shopping around for a spoo toy who doesn't wear a scrotal leash (aka wedding ring)." "Working, jerking off, sucking boyfriend, looking for a richer BF." "Pleasuring myself at alt.scat" "You know how rank koala bears smell? I collect that. Also dabble in goat-urine futures on the stock market, & manage a stable of stanky ho's downtown on Yonge St." === Next Section: Substances and Deformities === From Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Sun Jan 18 10:40:44 1998 From: Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: Survey Results 2/5: Substances & Deformities Date: 18 Jan 1998 18:40:44 GMT Organization: Burpleson AFB Lines: 226 Message-ID: <69tibc$mfj@eve.enteract.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: adam.enteract.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 unoff BETA release 970115] Path: news.aracnet.com!news1.ltinet.net!pacifier!207.33.1.6.MISMATCH!news.he.net!news.enteract.com!newsfeed.enteract.com!sharvey Xref: news.aracnet.com alt.tasteless:12500 1997 Reader Survey & Census Results Part Two: Substance Use and Disgusting Traits SUBSTANCE USE AND ABUSE HABITS: (Note: anyone who indicated that they use substance at the present time, was also credited with having used in the past. I figured very few harcore junkies started just today.) Used in Using Substance the past Currently ========= ======== ========= Alcohol 76.2% (32) 57.1% (24) Tobacco 57.1% (24) 33.3% (14) Marijuana 59.5% (25) 42.9% (18) Cocaine 31.0% (13) 4.8% (2) Heroin 9.5% (4) 2.4% (1) Psychedlics 45.2% (19) 9.5% (4) Amphetamines 35.7% (15) 7.1% (3) Painkillers[*] 38.1% (16) 21.4% (9) Cough Syrup[*] 26.2% (11) 11.9% (5) [*] Recreational use only. "'Specify'? How the fuck am I supposed to remember all the garbage I've smoked, snorted, ate, drank, or shot up? One of the things that shit does is fuck up memory. I could make something' up, though." "Dope dope dope gimme dope." "I can't live without Motrin, really. I was on Vicodin for about three years after basically shattering the center bone in my foot. The doctor finally refused to renew the prescription. Damn." "liquid paper huffing" "don't do pot now, cause it's just too damn expensive! Shit, what the kids call a lid now was a friggin' DIME BAG when I was killing off brain cells!!" "self-planted weed... On a three times per day basis." "some trip, from time to time, or mushrooms. I'm a nature guy." "Love the Vicks 44 buzz." "All-time favorite: Looking at pictures of cellular automata." "Brief but illustrious drinking career starting with my high school grad (at the age of 15!) and ending the night Reagan got elected (17)." [Yeah, a lot of people sobered up when Ronnie got elected...] "Pot and a 12 of Milwaukee's Best Ice does me just fine. But Oh Lordy, would I love some good acid!" "All-time favorite: dope, booze, TV, sex, all at the same time." ============================================================= DEFORMITIES AND SCARS: Respondents were asked to describe any amusing or interesting scars and deformities they might have, and to tell in vivid detail how those defects were obtained. "I have a mole that looks almost precisely like a diamond-shaped spot of shit on my upper lip, beneath my right nostril. The abuse I received from my childhood peers because of it has caused me to wear a mustache for my entire adult life." "Scars, specify: _Left facial cheek; stab wound, 32 stitches, permanently crippled fuckstain that did it 30 seconds before police arrived and carted his broken-backed ass to jail, I was on my way to a comic book store at the time and he decided to randomly attack someone as a joke. Guess the joke was on him, huh? How do they buttfuck a wheelchair tard in prison? Better yet, they never pressed charges on me; one look at my mangled visage and the cops figured it was self-defense. Double hahaha!!" "Hordes of demon moles. Nasty little brown lumpy things that hurt sort of but not bad enough to go to the doctor for. Occasionally one'll get an ingrown hair and get infected, which makes for some colorful depusifications." "I have little white bumps on my penis, not quite acne, not quite warts... They showed up after one time when I was about 9 or 10 and got real ambitious with my shit... Took a good lump and masturbated with it for a while. The grogan in question wasn't particularly runny so the lubrication qualities weren't all that good, but the hot, lumpy feeling rubbing up and down my prepubescent shaft is something that thankfully I'll never forget. A few weeks after that, the skin on my penis formed a dry, parchment-like shell... Sort of like I had sunburnt my choad and then put 'im in a toaster. Another week later and I was peeling the dry flakes off in square-inch chunks and eating it. Shame to say that's probably the closest I'll come to sucking my own dick. And a few months after *that* the little white doodads showed up. Sometimes they get pus-filled, like big whiteheads, although the hasn't happened recently." "Scars, specify: Half incher about 1/4" away from my left eye. Result of looking down the throat of a half wolf / half german shepard (Note that the tooth penetrated all the way to my sinus cavity and I could feel the blood *pouring* down my throat)." "All 8 of my fingers are double jointed, as a result, I can touch the back of my right hand with fingers on the same. Or at least, I used to be able to. I haven't done it in ages (until 20 seconds ago) and the skin is too tight. They still go back a loooong way though." "...probably the teeth. Until I got the crowns, I made Johnny Rotten look like the Crest poster-boy." "Scars, specify: four 5 inch scars in parallel on my knee, from equalizer buttons, happened during a car crash. We ran my friend's VW at 45mph into a stopped car on PCH in San Juan Capistrano while all three of us were turned and staring at some thong-cladded super-ass." "Other, specify: With long hair, I was likened to Eddie Van Halen; with shorter hair, I am likened to Mickey Dolenz." "Tremendous head." "pencil lead imbedded in shin since an incident in 2nd grade involving putting sharpened pencils in our shoelaces and then kicking one another under the classroom tables" "A scaly kind of birthmark/wart, about 1.5 cm square, on the top of the middle of my shaft. Could be removed by surgical planing, but why bother?" [X ] Tattooed, specify: "Bitter" over left nipple, "Lager" over right [X ] Scars, specify: _Unfortunate swastika scar where circumcision knife slipped [X ] Birthmarks, specify: _Mole on buttock looks like Adolf Hitler [X ] Deformities, specify: __I'm OK, but everyone else has very short arms??????_____________________ [X ] Other, specify: __Anus points sideways (evidence from side of lavatory) [x] Pierced, specify: brain, corpus-colossum ring [x] Tattooed, specify: trompe d'oeil design of cannula draining embalming fluid into femoral artery [x] Scars, specify: crooked nose from dog bite [x] Birthmarks, specify: t-shaped mark on left hand, now mostly faded [x] Deformities, specify: it's all within, heh heh [x] Other, specify: fistula in left ear, produces white smelly goosh on regular basis "Fake front tooth from 6th grade close encounter with flashlight." ============================================================= MY MOST DISTINGUISHING PHYSICAL TRAIT OR HABIT IS: Curiously, the original question was designed to elicit disgusting physical traits, several respondents took this opportunity to describe their most repulsive personal habits. No matter, it's all reported below. "Licking my SR's arse, leaving cum deposits when sleeping in other peoples beds." "I make my eyes bulge at will by stroking the catheter that runs from my brain to my vena cava. Makes small children cry." "Colostomy bag attached with duct tape." "Don't have one. And nobody will argue with me, because I'm one of those quiet guys, who's seems nice enough, but keeps to himself...." "My rapidly growing nasal hair is the first that comes to mind; if I don't trim those fuckers every day I tickle myself and they actually grow to quite a length." "My asshole. No, my face, no...." "My left big toe....Been doing my own surgery on it for years for ingrown nail. I'm not much of a surgeon, it seems......" "My approach to conversation, where *nothing* is sacred. Although, if you ask my wife, it would be my copious butthair." "Its gotta be a tooth that the filling fell out of. Food tends to collect in it and becomes rancid with a foeted odure. Rank enough to turn my dogs away." "Probably the fact that I take not only great pleasure in farts and farting, but that I also insist on characterizing the various smells of each one. Some are meaty, some are garbage-y, some are spicy, some smell almost good enough to eat! I also like to look at my grogans, observing the striations, the colors, the relative cohesiveness, the buoyancy. Not to the extent Ronaski does, though. Who could? Oh, I also have been know to enjoy the occasional relic crunchy bit of snot left on a hand after a nose wiping session, or to nibble the odd excised scab, the crustier the better." "My crooked teeth. While at a quick glance, they may appear to be semi-straight, a longer view into my speak hole shows the dental nuclear holocaust which occurred during my growing years. I guess it's between that and my flat feet, which have what I call a "negative arch". A wet footprint will reveal the convex, rather than the normal concave, print feature associated with water foul." "Sebaceous cysts on the inside of my thighs that flare up occasionally, especially in the summertime heat when they erupt into raw fetid flesh-craters that ooze bloody pus." "Ability to touch elbows together in front of my chest" [Is this in some way disgusting? All I know is that I can't do it.] "My chicken-liver sized menstrual clots." "That dent in the back of my head." "My worst nightmare has come true. I am hairier than my father. When I'm naked, I almost look as though I'm wearing a Mohair suit. I shaved my choad and balls once when I caught crabs, little fuckers just migrated to my ass. Praise Glub for RID." "...fat belly (after years of skinniness), or maybe the suppurating hole in my forehead" === Next Section: Choads -n- Hooters === From Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Sun Jan 18 10:42:00 1998 Path: news.aracnet.com!news.structured.net!logbridge.uoregon.edu!news1.chicago.iagnet.net!iagnet.net!news.enteract.com!newsfeed.enteract.com!sharvey From: Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: Survey Results 3/5: Choads -n- Hooters Date: 18 Jan 1998 18:42:00 GMT Organization: Burpleson AFB Lines: 167 Message-ID: <69tido$mfj@eve.enteract.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: adam.enteract.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 unoff BETA release 970115] Xref: news.aracnet.com alt.tasteless:12469 1997 Reader Survey & Census Results Part Three: Choads -n- Hooters CHOAD LENGTH: (Note: lengths are self-reported and not verified by any outside testing agency, adjust as your level of skepticism deems fit.) Average choad length: 6.7 inches Longest reported choad: 8.5 inches Smallest reported choad: 5.5 inches (see also: most honest) "...erm, 7.5" inside length, 9" outside length without foreskin, I ate it after the op." "Measured as one measures horses: 13 hands." "would you believe that I'm guessing? I've never measured it." "Quote from the girl with whom I first got laid (age 15): "Do you have black people in your family?" [owner of the 8.5 incher] "Thank heavens my SOG LeatherMan Ripoff has a ruler built in! Flaccid - 5 inches, erect - 7 inches (and thank you, now I have to masturbate to get the damn thing to go away)" "...not applicable. However, what I *like* is: 5 inches minimum flaccid, 6+ interested" "Functioning properly, sometimes too properly, at which times I hang my head, knowing fully that the ten minutes it took me didn't correctly jive with the 15 minutes she required." "I didn't like the results of the measurement and have therefore concluded that the original study was fatally flawed and ill- conceived." "__10__ inches (rounded up to one significant digit) More precisely, a statistically unremarkable 6.25 inches" "I don't have one of my very own, unless the one under my bed qualifies as "my" choad. In that case, 6 inches." "Never been able to hold on long enough to get the tape laid along it." "2 inches. Fucker! I jerked off before hitting Usenet! Not Fair!" "6 inches average length & width. oh - did you mean _erect_ (or were you asking about my other one?)" ============================================================= DISTINGUISHING CHOAD CHARACTERISTICS: Bent Left: 48.0% (12) Bent Right: 12.0% (3) Big Ugly Veins: 32.0% (8) Chapped and worn: 8.0% (2) [One must remark - 80.6% of respondents claimed to be right-handed, but a majority of choads are bent to the port side. Could all that right-handed wanking be an attempt to compensate for the bend?] "When 'inflating' tends to grow at top before base, so it looks kinda funny." "Forked." "Around the circumcision scar, I get two or three of these odd little spots that kind of lump up. Them, after a couple of days, I can squeeze them, and a little bit of thick pus comes popping out. Of course, nobody but me would ever know about this...unless they've got a really sensitive tongue." "SO's makes noise when he ejaculates hard - I swear this is true!" "...had to have me pisshole enlarged, so I have a little pinch in the middle. When hard, I piss a split stream." "Registered with the local tourist office." "[x] Other/describe: ___made of pink rubber___" "Reoccurring MOLES. They are brown, and in the past have grown large enough to _mushroom_. At present, I've just got one. It seems regular sex keeps them down, since I got married, it's mostly gone away." "circumcised; extra clitoris" "None, but if my hand were sandpaper, my choad would've been a toothpick by the time I was 15." ============================================================= BREAST SIZE: Note: hard to statistically average, so I just listed all the responses. It's up to astute readers to discern which are genuine female breasts, and which are reports from our more witty brethren. "42C" "32B cup size; I need more exercise." "42 inches AAA cup size - I'm guessing here, but if you'll buy it, I'll wear it." "32 inches DD cup size - Willing to donate spare square footage." "44 inches, don't know, B maybe cup size - I'm fat, what can I say? At least I can say that my SR's are bigger." "48 inches C cup size - not as perky as they once were, large brown areolae, prone to tit zits underneath....which are fun to pop." "Pretty much all of them fit well on my head in the Laundromat." [he means the bras used for measurement, folks...] "40DDD." "36 inches C cup size - The most awesome perfect tits in the entire world (thanks to my plastic surgeon)." [guess who?] ============================================================= BREAST DESCRIPTIONS: Subjects were asked to describe their breasts in terms of a poetic analogy. Again, we only got four responses from women, so it's up to you to do the filtering - why should I have all the fun? "My breasts are like big luscious melons (straight from the SO's mouth, so to speak)." "My breasts are like Ronaski's testicles." [Hairy and wrinkled?] "My breasts are like the bitch tits found on old men." "oversized and despised" [we're sorry, but there's probably a newsgroup where you'd be absolutely worshipped... other than a.t., of course.] "My breasts are like two soft, giving loaves of leavened dough, warmly rising in the heat of the bedroom, the tips hardening like two brown berries under the ministering tongue of....oh! Excuse me..." "My breasts are like the heavenly hooters of John Goodman." "My breasts are like honeydew melons." "My breasts are like a place for you to stick your face to worship me (that is, when your face isn't stuck in the mink)." "My breasts are like hail-damaged Volkswagens." "My breasts are like fresh steaming haggis." [That does it, I'm officially a leg man from this point onward.] "My breasts are like a sack of dead puppies." === Next Section: Gettin' Off === From Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Sun Jan 18 10:44:49 1998 Path: news.aracnet.com!news.structured.net!news-out.communique.net!communique!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news.enteract.com!newsfeed.enteract.com!sharvey From: Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: Survey Results 4/5: Gettin' Off Date: 18 Jan 1998 18:44:49 GMT Organization: Burpleson AFB Lines: 497 Message-ID: <69tij1$mfj@eve.enteract.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: adam.enteract.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 unoff BETA release 970115] Xref: news.aracnet.com alt.tasteless:12470 1997 Reader Survey & Census Results Part Four: Gettin' Off SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual: 69.0% (29) Homosexual: 9.5% (4) Bisexual: 2.4% (1) Asexual: 7.1% (3) "Heterosexual!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [okay, we get the idea, phobic one.] "Not necessarily human, I'm Welsh, I like sheep." [isn't that a redundant statement?] "I have not been the most discriminating single male in history, preferring quantity over quality. I particularly like fucking Spanish women, preferably Dominican girls between 18-25 before their asses get so big they deserve their own zip code." "Anything that squats to pee......" "Age is, um, unimportant." "I like wanking off with bologna slices now and then." "SR claims to be Bi, but in two and a half years of marriage, I'm still waiting to see a new chick in our bed." "Canaries." ============================================================= EARLIEST AGE OF SELF-PLEASURING ACTIVITY: Average age: 9.5 years Earliest wanker:2.5 years Oldest: 13 years (see: late bloomer) "Used to keep a cup of soapy water next to my bed, and I used to share a room as well." "When I was about 8 or so, I found out that sleeping without any underwear was a kick, and somehow produced a little stiffy. Not long after, I found out that rubbing the aforementioned stiffy against various objects (blankets, pillow, little brother, dog, cat) caused a strangely pleasurable vibration to happen. Boy, was I surprised the first time Mr. Choadlet threw up..." "Used to rub my stuffed duck against my dick at age 3; parents caught me, lectured me, so I used my stuffed dog after that." "I remember being a Wee Tad and discovering that, if I played with those little lumpy things next to my penis and laid upon my belly, said penis got hard and felt funny. Never got to orgasm for another 10 years, but I always rejoiced in playing with myself. Lots of my mom's makeup (due to it's slick texture) got used over those years... Mmmm, even now the scent of Estee Lauder, the feel of cool slick foundation running over my testicles..." "Hope nobody saw." [We did. You were hot, you were awesome. Anyone wanna buy a videotape?] "Just tried it one day...heard about it from one of my German friends." [Those Germans, I tellya...] "Found my mothers power vibe when 10, fell in love with it for a couple of years. Got me off many times." "I was watching a King Kong Jr. cartoon as a wee lassie, and had a little white rock that I had been playing with. It was smooth and warm, and I unconsciously began rubbing myself gently with it through my shorts. My mother walked in and saw me, and told me not to "sit like that". Completely mystified, I said OK and went back to watching the show. My little rock wandered back to it's playground, and Mama then beat the living shit out of me. It wasn't until later that night that I figured out what the big deal was. Thanks Ma!!" "After one year of pulling, the money shot was quite a shock! There will never be another moment like that "Oh my gawd! I broke it!" feeling." "Later, after Sunday school sessions me, some other boys and some girls used to rub our dressed sexual organs against each other (age 13/14)." "I took to wanking like a fish to water. I learned to wank before I learned to be ashamed." "My first sexual experience was with my blankie. (I miss my blankie...)" "I've always loved woodies. Jeez, I was playing doctor with the girl nextdoor when I was four. I'll never forget when my great-grandfather caught us in the basement. Alas, I never got LAID till I was 17." "[x] Age: in utero - It felt good to floss my minky with the umbilical cord..." ============================================================= WANK FREQUENCY: Of the 27 replies, the average a.t.'er gets him/herself off every 1.143 days, or 6.13 times per week, or roughly 319.18 times per year, including holy days of obligation. Now the fun part of statistical analysis. The assumption was made that the 27 respondents were all male (they weren't, but my notes were too messy to disregard the one or two females brave enough to admit to rubbing themselves). According to Nurzy's excellent "Spoo Stats" article, the average ejaculate is 1-2 teaspoons. According to one of my cookbooks, it takes roughly 6 teaspoons to equal one fluid ounce. With a little help from my wristwatch calculator, we can derive the following astonishing statistics: - The 27 wankers wank a total of 8618 times in a one-year period. - 8618 wanks is roughly 12,927 teaspoons (assumed 1.5 tsp per wank). - 12,927 teaspoons is 16.8 gallons. - My car's gas tank is 14.5 gallons. - The average a.t. wanker spills 79.8 ounces per year. - 79.8 ounces is nearly equal to 5 pints of beer. That's a lot of wasted wigglers, guys. Other inspirational stories: "The best times are in the middle of the day, when I sneak off into the bathroom for a quick pull..." "Frequency: Every High Tide." "I aim for the 14-orgasms-per-week average, or else I'm a pain in the ass to be around (listen to "Dick" by King Missle)." "4 times per week (that's all I'm allowed by the mistress, if it were up to me though, it would be 1-2X daily)." "Currently taking Prozac in addition to tranqs, which diminishes my sex drive substantially. I was a 7-days-a-week man before the medication." [Ain't modern medicine wonderful?] "Somewhere between hourly and daily, depending on whether I'm forced to be at work that day supporting my wanking habits." "Frequency is inversely proportionate to SR libido. Rule of thumb is that spooge must be drained at least every two days, one way or another." "It is all to do with the heat of the meat, the angle of the dangle, the drag of the hag, and the throb of the knob." ============================================================= WANK FANTASY TARGETS: Subjects were given a list of sexual fantasy targets, and asked to identify which situations they imagined themselves in during masturbation. The results: Yet-unconquered strangers, etc.: 30 Former SR's or SD's: 22 Current SR's or SD's: 17 'Models' in pornography material: 15 Lingerie models in normal catalogs: 9 Violence, blood, and pain: 9 Non-porno celebrities: 7 Mother: 6 The cast of Jesus Christ Superstar: 5 Nothing at all, 'just do it': 1 Other creative fantasies: "My own faeces, hurting small children, small animals, specifically sheep." "a small carnivorous animal." "The 15 year old girl living across the street." "Being in charge of sex ed at an all-girls pre-school." "Nothing." "...mutants, androids, aliens, replicants." "Mr. Ed, Mrs. Ed, Ed Asner, Ed Begley Jr, my Blankie." "[x] Other/specify: 1. Sharv 2. Killing spammers & newbies ala Rambo-style" [An unsolicited comment, I assure you. However, the grand prize for best female survey response goes to...] "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." "I've got a young, long haired redhead I work with who gives my a woodie every time I get close to her. The problem is that she seems to be interested also, in that I see her looking at me an awful lot. I'm not bad looking, so I can see the attraction, but, man, I'm fucking happily married, and, oh, HOW I would like to fullfill her fantasies, but I CANT! AAARRRGGHH!!! So, with the lights out, my SR is young, and tight..and...ooooohhhhhhh......" "Elmo" "A personal fantasy involving Marylin Manson, Jesse Helms, a time machine and an amoeba." ==================================================================== AGE OF FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE In order to keep the results semi-accurate, the question asked for the first sexual experience with a living, human partner. Average: 15.5 years old Earliest: 7.0 years old Oldest: 20.0 years old "She was catholic, I fucked her on her parents sofa, using a condom." "Does it _have_ to be human?" "My uncle's then-SR, While he was off at somebody's wedding. Started my career as 'Backdoor Man' off right." [Wow - you took her up the ass so your uncle wouldn't notice?] "She obviously hadn't washed her pussy in about a week. I didn't care despite the "Something Rotten in the Dairy Aisle" smell." "It was with an older woman (10) and was her sister's (12) idea." "Been laid in the driver's seat of a Jeep Wrangler. It's an expierence, espeically if she's got a big ass." "I was 13 and horny, she was 23 and a fat slag." "No shit, 7. Not that we knew what the fuck we were doing... I thought I was s'posed to stick it in her ass and pee." [Usually, that comes *much* later...] "His name was Joe and he didn't have any front teeth." "You mean playing doctor?(4-5) Or sucking young boys (when we both pre-orgasmic)?(13-14) Or actually gettin laid? (17-barely)." [Mmm, any of those will do nicely.] ============================================================= DO YOU HAVE A REGULAR SPOOGE RECIPTICAL? (males only) Respondents were given a choice of "yes", "no", "several", and "only my towel, Mr. Crusty." After analyzing the results of this survey, Official A.T. "Mr. Crusty" Embroidered Towels will be on sale shortly at a fine retailer near you. The results: Yes: 45.2% (14) Several: 12.9% (4) No: 19.4% (6) Only Mr. Crusty: 22.6% (7) "And she gives the best head ever, and swallows with pleasure." "Regular only when she is "regular" MetaMucil helps." "Regular SR, Ms Wednesday nite (coworker), the Bird Lady *all three live within 2 blocks of my apartment!*, occasional fuck while out of town. Always use a condom. Advise and my personal practice." [Thanks, Dad.] "...there are many erotic fluids in the human body so Mr. Crusty gets lots of attention, plus the maggots don't seem to mind sharing." ============================================================= DO YOU HAVE A REGULAR SPOOGE DONOR? (females only) 100% answered "Yes", so everyone who answered "No" to the previous guys-only question can stop thinking about how to compose seductive email while their hands are covered with lotion, chicken fat, and the otherwise wasted contents of their nutsacs. The lone comment is, thankfully, worth repeating: "Two part-time humans; One "once in a blue moon" human; and one full- time mechanical bull." ============================================================= SEXUAL ACTIVITIES PRACTICED AND PERFORMED: Oral sex: 97.6% (41), Swallowers: 45.2% (19) Phone sex: 52.4% (22) Anal sex: 40.5% (17) Food play: 38.1% (16) B&D: 38.1% (16) Water play: 33.3% (14) Net sex: 33.3% (14) Group Sex: 31.0% (13) S&M: 26.2% (11) Bestiality: 19.0% (8) Scat: 11.9% (5) "Non contact sex (orgasm by mental means), Sex when she's on (having period)." [Note that I have corrected the spelling of the word "mental", submitted as "menatl", so all that brainsex obviously degrades the language centers of the brain.] "What is all this other stuff? I just like to eat snatch while being fisted by a biker gang of no less than eight men, six of whom are peeing down my throat as my colostomy is being rubbed raw with a Johnsonville Bratwurst, staring into the starfish of a trumpet playing black man who has tied me to a pillory and is using a dead ferret to make small punctures in my choad skin while I munch on his dead grannies cunt. I'll call you with the rest, it's pretty erotic." "I'd have checked the 'anal' box, but she never wanted to." [Received several lamentations along this line, our sincerest condolences.] "Lots of shave play." "Everyone's done the old dog and peanut butter trick, right?" "Fisting, tit torture, cbt, armpits, rimming..." "Diaper-wearing, and heavy dirty talk." "Sex with my blankie, sex with stuffed animals, sex with organ meats stuffed into a 32-oz gatorade bottle. (I wanted to scat with Ella Fitzgerald but she said she already had a steady gig, and left hurriedly.)" "[x] Home phone number: 1-800-97-JENNY" [By *far* the best reply to my attempts to solicit home phone numbers after the "Swallow?" question. Nearly hurt myself laughing at this one.] "Taxi cab sex." "[x] Home phone number: Not on your life...unless...how big is your choad?" [Diplomatic, gotta say that much.] "...the canary also gives great head." [Shouldn't that be "gives great beak"?] "Former SR was an amputee. Lost both legs in motorcycle accident." [Now this is a comment deserving of several lengthy postings, detailing how she'd bobble those stumps around while you went down on her, thankfully free of obstruction, allowing easy access from different angles... give us details!] ============================================================= SEXUAL REQUESTS REFUSED: Overall, a.t.'ers are, not surprisingly, a very, ahem, liberal, group when it comes to sexual experimentation. Preserved for posterity are the few gratification requests that got turned down: "Sex during menstruation. Blow me and call me in a few days, OK, babe?" "Nurzy's hand up my ass." [Wonder who *this* could be?] "Penis pumping, catheters." "He asked me to rim him one day, but he wasn't clean and I wasn't in the mood." "I refused to do the macarena with a raw chicken leg sticking out of my twat and the wing sticking out of my ass. You can get sick from raw poultry!" "She wanted to buttfuck me with a strap-on." "I could not bring myself to shit in her ear." [Fiber supplements are the key here.] ============================================================= FOREIGN OBJECTS INSERTED INTO BODY CAVITIES: Respondents were asked to describe the largest foreign object they ever inserted into a body cavity. Most understood the nature of the question, but a few decided to semantically duck the issue. Still, quite an array of objets d'insertion: "Mine ; Nothing, I'm no fag, SR: Long neck beer bottle, vibrator 8 inch." [Sonny boy, you're a bit over-clenched and quite possibly missing out on a whole world of fun. I suggest you post a message asking for ways to overcome this dread fear of yours. I'm sure our friends can offer a few, well, creative suggestions.] "A handheld power scredriver (handle end first)." "A French baguette. The largest NON-foreign objet was a General Motors tire iron." "Ass is labeled EXIT ONLY." [Again, several replies in this vein.] "Aluminum cigar tube." "Only four fingers. Most of the time when I'm in that mood I don't have lube handy, and my current SR isn't big on the Wild'n'Kinky stuff... Much to my dismay." "A Mag-lite (you know, police type flashlight)." [Oh, I know all right, and I'm sure there have been many "suspects" who know even better. One question though... what battery size? The AAA pinky finger, or the D-cell horsecock?] "As a female, you really don't want to risk stretching yourself out!" "My SR's entire tit. She's a C, and it finally got it all in my mouth." "A whole McDonald's Big Mac - in my mouth." [Okay, okay, I suppose the mouth counts as a body cavity. Smartass.] "My fist and half of my forearm." "The biggest item has to have been that goddamn sigmoidoscope, but self-administered, the biggest item has to be my SR's 9-inch latex dildo." "Bobbi Hatch." [No comment.] "Chicago Yellow Pages." [Dear, we meant *literally*, not metaphorically.] "The plastic stick from that old game with the cylinder filled with marbles resting on the halfway point on a bunch of horizontally inserted plastic sticks. Around the age of five, I tried to insert one of those sticks into my urethra. Since then, I have had on two seperate occasions, a Q-Tip stuck up my dick for VD tests - negative, sorry, but -I- didn't insert them." "Volleyball, in cloaca (to re-enact my former egglaying times)." ============================================================= LONG-LUSTED-AFTER CONQUESTS: Subjects were given the opportunity to describe individuals or celebrities they've lusted after for years. While the four sample celebrities were intentionally repellent, some of the replies may surprise: "[x] June Allyson - Her overbite makes me hard." "Pointer Sisters. " "JonBenet Ramsey? Even though she's dead? I'll take her any way I can get 'er..." "Elizabeth Hurley, Xena." "Fran Dresher." "Marrisa Tormey (or however the hell you spell that)." [Go ahead and send your perverted fan mail with that spelling - it'll add weight to your insanity defense in court.] "Tabatha Cash, Madonna, the female dancer in the "Smack My Bitch Up" video by The Prodigy" "Brad Pitt." "Jack Hannah." "Oh shit, a whole host of others, but I think Sara Bernhart has gotta be number one." [I can't ever keep 'em straight - one was Madonna's special friend, the other is a dead actress. Which one do *you* mean?] "Sandra Bernhard, Sofia Coppola_." "Zorro (and his horse)." "Danny DeVito." "Either Mrs. G. Gordon Liddy, or Hillary Clinton." "Nancy Reagan, Jewel." === Next Section: Ass-Wiping & Miscellaneous === From Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Sun Jan 18 10:45:52 1998 Path: news.aracnet.com!news.structured.net!news-out.communique.net!communique!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news.enteract.com!newsfeed.enteract.com!sharvey From: Sharv@burpleson.afb.gov Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: Survey Results 5/5: Ass-Wiping & Misc. Date: 18 Jan 1998 18:45:52 GMT Organization: Burpleson AFB Lines: 262 Message-ID: <69til0$mfj@eve.enteract.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: adam.enteract.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 unoff BETA release 970115] Xref: news.aracnet.com alt.tasteless:12471 1997 Reader Survey & Census Results Part Five: Ass-Wiping, Childhood Memories, Killers, Handicaps, and Comments HOW MANY TIMES PER DAY DO YOU... Urinate, avg.: 6.03 times/day Defecate, avg: 1.87 times/day "Defecate - 3; but not always to completion. Sometimes it's just a sit'n'grunt session." [Get the rulebook out, please: if nothing hits the water, I don't think you can legitimately claim it as a defecation.] ============================================================= ASS-WIPING, DIRECTION OF: Front to back: 54.8% (23) Back to front: 38.1% (16) Left to right: 4.8% (2) Radial wipe: 4.8% (2) Right to left: 2.4% (1) Circular: 2.4% (1) ASS-WIPING, HANDEDNESS OF: Right: 57.1% (24) Left: 23.8% (10) Varies: 9.5% (4) "I'm lazy; between the legs back to front, changed from reach around front to back." "One up, One down, One to polish." "Kind of at angle; with a curlique-sort-of swirl at the end." "Scrubbing is the key. Just one direction can leave you with hidden shit." "Back to front, then front to back, then back to front. Then I don't even know who I am." "Sometimes I just take a shower or a bath." "I typically wrap about 5 or 6 loops around my hand to make a nice pad for each stroke, and wipe both the inside butt cheek and the starfish on one side, then repeat for the other side, until only blood marks the paper." "...occasionally resort to a wet paper towel for stubborn streaking." "I usually get about 6 squares of paper after I'm done, refold it to about a one square size, and insert between my cheeks to catch any wet fart residue. Seeing as I don't wear underwear, I gotta have something to catch the slack. My cat loves my jeans, though." "I used to have one of those bio-organic toilets, the ones that clamped onto one's starfish & sucked out its food; the problem was that it wasn't really housebroken so the basement got to be a fetid mess (but the resulting mushrooms were delicious)." "I fold the paper neatly, and wipe, fold, wipe again. Then I'll normally inspect the section used for the second wipe, and if there's any evidence, repeat the operation. Sometimes a little groganlet will be tucked up inside, beyond the reach of a good wipe, only to come popping out after I've stood up and walked off. This normally makes for good skid-marks. Then I can pick at the klingons while lying in bed watching the idiot box." "The left hand must be free to pull the left cheek away from the right, giving more ease to the wiping process." "With my ass hair, I gotta blot too." ============================================================= DEVIANT CHILDHOOD BEHAVIOR: Fire setting: 42.9% (18) Cruelty to animals: 28.6% (12) Late-age bedwetting: 16.7% (7) "Electrocuted 100s of bugs with handbuilt electrocution device, also made mini concentration camps when kid where inmates (ie insects) would be starved, tortured, cremated, or otherwise eliminated like the unterspecies they are." "Cats and BB guns, goldfish and microwave ovens, dogs and vodka, cats and pot, burning a large amount of land in Baja California near San Felipe." "Beating the crap out of the neighborhood kids." ============================================================= FAVORITE SERIAL KILLER: A list of fairly recent serial killers was provided, and subjects were asked to identify their top three favorites. I originally considered wording the question as "which serial killer would you most like to have over for dinner?", but figured everyone would pick Dahmer. They picked Dahmer anyway. Here's the voting: Jeffrey Dahmer: 18 votes Ted Bundy: 16 John Wayne Gacy: 12 Richard Ramirez: 9 Ed Gein: 7 Aileen Wuornos: 5 David Berkowitz: 4 Andrei Chikatilo: 4 Andrew Cunanan: 4 Henry Lee Lucas: 2 Karla Homolka, Kenneth Bianchi, Donald Leroy Evans, Albert DeSalvo, Angelo Buono, 1 vote each. "Fred West (U.K.)" "Like to fuck Aileen before she fries. Also like to have dinner with Bundy (one of those celebrity fantasy dinners). No dinner with Jeff." [Fantasy dinner indeed.] [One respondent took me to task for my choice of candidates. The entire reply is quoted below so others can be enlightened.] " (Trite, trendy, boring candidates snipped) [X] Other: Jesse Pommeroy. He accumulated a body count of 27 by his 15th birthday (despite being in prison from age 12-14), then spent *58 years* in solitary confinement. A more twisted fuck, there there never was. Juan Vallejo Corona. He killed 25 people in a mere 6 weeks. That's one every 40 hours. Not too bad! Gilles De Rais. Granted, he's a bit dated (15th century), but listen to this testimony (translated from French, of course): "...to practice his debauches with the said boys and girls, against the dictation of nature, he first took his rod in his hand and rubbed it so that it became erect...then placed it between the limbs of the boys or girls, not bothering with the natural female receptacle, and rubbed his rod...on the belly of the said boys and girls...until he emitted his sperm on their stomachs...after having had an orgasm...he had considerable pleasure in watching the heads of the children separated from their bodies. Sometimes he made an incision behind the neck to make them die slowly, at which he became very excited, and while they were bleeding to death he would sometimes masturbate on them, and sometimes he would do this after they had died and their bodies were still warm... In order to stifle the cries of the children when he wished to have relations with them, he would first put a rope round their neck and hang them 3 feet off the floor, and just before they were dead would cause them to be taken down, telling them not to utter a word...Sometimes he would ask, when they were dead, which of them had the most beautiful head." It is thought that his body count was in the ballpark of 500." [A fine essay, and I promise to do better next time.] "I'd have to go with Josef Stalin (Over 13 million killed!), and Marshall Applewhite. Hell, he even was able to get them to cut off their nads, and do the job themselves! Pure genius!" "A chef, a clown, and a satanist... where's the tequilla and the women?" "The yanks what dropped the bomb on Japan." [Oooh, a cultural critic in our midst! Imagine that!] "Dennis Neilson, Fred West, Beverley Allot, Thomas Hamilton (UK ones, goddammit)." "I wish Cunanan had gone after Bill Gates." "Gotta love a serial killer who dug AC/DC." "George Washington; Pol Pot; humane society." =============================================================== IF GLUB LET YOU CHOOSE YOUR HANDICAP... A hypothetical situation was presented, where Lord Glub would allow a sinner to choose from a list of possible handicaps. The results may shock and amaze: Become Republican: 11 Subscribe to WebTV: 8 Go mute: 7 Become deaf: 2 Para/Quadriplegic: 1 each Blind: 0 "No choad/unable to get erection (If I had no choad, WebTV would look so much better)" "I'd probably ask to be made into some sort of drooling tard, with a fetish for jackboots and urine. Y'know, a Congressman." "[X] Deaf (At least I could still watch pornos!)" "Member of my SR's Baptist Church. Then I could do all sorts of weird shit to Disney toys on the Altar after they elect me preacher." "[x] Mute - that would give me quite a good reason NOT to talk to people I don't like..." "Anything except becoming American." [Sooner or later, the entire world will drink Coca-Cola and smoke Marlboros. Laugh's on you.] "I am already Republican; would rather die than be a WebTV subscriber." "I'm a Mormon. Make of that what you will." "I'll take the WebTV thing, then I can come back into A.T. and drive all you fuckers insane." "Martha Stewart's personal sex slave." ============================================================= OTHER COMMENTS: "I just realized how grotesquely tasteful my life has become. I'm going to kill myself." "Save the blindfold -- you'll need it later tonight. And make sure that you're friggin' pistol is loaded. I don't think that these kids you've got on the line can aim worth a fuck." [I never quite understood what this meant. It sounds good, though.] "I filled the fucking thing out, didn't I?" "Am I the only one around here who would like to know what the hell happened to Paul Ess? Did he go and find MC Deuce, and finally stumpfuck him?" "I need to take a shit. That'll make it 4 for today by 5pm. I've got a lot of catching up to do." "Any final comments? You forgot to ask how many people I have gotten off with. I would have told you 1404, which is a realistic estimate, and which would have greatly raised the average." "Any final comments? _No, I'm gonna go wank now_" "If you publish this I will kill you." "Where's the part where you ask about the time that I dumped a week's worth of fermented liquishit into alt.fan.debbie-gibson? & why didn't you ask about those genital warts now spreading down my legs & up to my chest, some splitting open to emit a malodourous grey liquid that stains everything it touches? Why didn't you ask about that stuff, huh?" ============ END ============