Comedy Writing Secrets 3rd Edition

The Best-Selling Guide to Writing Funny and Getting Paid for It

Mark Shatz with Mel Helitzer

WritersDigest.com

Cincinnati, Ohio

Comedy Writing secrets. Copyright © 2016 by Mark Shatz. Manufactured in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Published by Writer’s Digest Books, an imprint of F+W Media, Inc., 10151 Carver Road, Suite # 200, Blue Ash, OH 45242. (800) 289-0963. Revised edition.

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A Magnus Hopus

Dedication

To Mel, the comedic Yoda

About The Authors

Mark A. Shatz is the author of KISSing Golf: The Keep It Simple (Stupid) Instructional Method, a humorous instructional book for beginning golfers. He is also an award-winning professor of psychology at Ohio University–Zanesville who blends content, application, and humor into his instruction. Besides teaching humor writing, he has extensive international experience as a teacher, speaker, and seminar leader on various topics such as pedagogy, death education, and stress management. Furthermore, Dr. Shatz has presented and published numerous academic papers, including how to use humor to enhance instruction and learning.

Mel Helitzer, a former Clio award-winning Madison Avenue ad agency president, was also a distinguished, award-winning journalism professor at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. He was one of the first to teach humor writing at any university in the world. His course led to the publication of Comedy Writing Secrets in 1987, and the book is now the best-selling text on humor writing in the country. Helitzer also wrote humor for print, television, comedians, and politicians.

Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication and Acknowledgments

A Magnus Hopus

About The Authors

Foreword

A History Lesson

Introduction

Part One: Comedy Writing 101

Chapter 1: Introduction to Humor Writing

Comedy Writing’s Top Secret: Imagination

Humor vs. Comedy

Humorist vs. Comedian

Whose Joke Is It?

The Benefits of Humor Writing

The Downsides of Humor

Getting Started

Recap

Chapter 2: Why We Laugh

The Science of Humor: The Search for Universal Answers

Recap

Chapter 3: The Recipe for Humor

Target: Aiming Your Humor

Hostility: Ridicruel

Realism: Raise Your Sites

Exaggeration: Talking Up a Storm

Emotion: Burst the Bubble

Surprise: Nobody Knows the Stumbles I’ve Seen

Recap

Part Two: Humor Writing Techniques

Chapter 4: POW: Play On Words

The Chemistry of Jokes

POW: Play on Words

Words: The Atoms of Humor

Reforming: The Atom Smasher

The Double Entendre: Away With Words

Malaprops: An Error of Their Weighs

Oxymorons: Pretty Ugly

A Barrel of Pun

Recap

Chapter 5: More POW: The Simple Truth and the Takeoff

The Simple Truth: The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

Simple-Truth Construction: It Ain’t Simple

Simple-Truth Variations: More Than One Truth

Simple Truths: By the Pros

The Takeoff: Do Unto Others … Then Take Off

Takeoff Construction: Ready, Set, Surprise

Takeoff Variations: Multiple Launch Pads

Takeoffs: By the Pros

Recap

Chapter 6: The Next Giant Step: Reverses

The Reverse: Step Backward

Reverse Construction: The Art of Surprise

Reverse Variations: Working Backward with Others

Reverses: By the Pros

Recap

Chapter 7: Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered: Triples

Snap, Crackle, and Laugh: Triple the Funny

Triple Construction: The Power of Three

Triple Variations: Triple the Triple

Triples: By The Pros

Recap

Chapter 8: Realism, Exaggeration, and Shock

Exaggeration: Turning Sense into Nonsense

Exaggeration Construction: Stretching Reality

Exaggeration Variations: A Truly Shocking Surprise

Recap

Chapter 9: Brainstorming and Editing

A Humor Writing Playroom

Warm-Up

Brainstorming: Listing

Brainstorming: More Humor Block Beaters

Editing

Recap

Part Three: Writing Humor For Specific Markets

Chapter 10: Testing, Testing, One, Two, Three: Writing Humor for Speeches

The Title: Getting ’Em into the Hall

The Speaker’s Introduction: Hold On to Your Seats

Introductory Remarks

Speech Content: Everybody’s Entitled to My Opinion

Closing Remarks: Getting Off Stage With A Standing Ovation

Avoid Bombing: Speechwriting No-Nos

Recap

Chapter 11: Print Humor: Columns, Articles, Greeting Cards, and Abbreviated Humor

Columns

Articles

Greeting Cards: Humor in the Mail

Abbreviated Print Humor: Everywhere You Want to Be

Recap

Chapter 12: Writing Humor for the Cloud: Social Media, Blogging, and More

Twitter: Joke’s Big Bang Or Black Hole

Facebook: Like Me, Please

Blogging: Read Me, Please

E-Mail: You’ve Got Mail

Online Dating: Pick Me, Please

Recap

Chapter 13: Teach, Learn, and Laugh

A Classroom Is Not A Comedy Club

Teachers Do It at the Podium: Instructional Humor

Teachers Do It in Groups: Active Learning

Teachers Do It in the Cloud: Online Instruction

Pass, Fail, Or Laugh

Recap

Chapter 14: That's a Wrap

Foreword

A History Lesson

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

—Ernest Hemingway

There is no such thing as a certified professional humor writer. If you can sell your material or get paid for performing it, you’re a professional. Yet, there are not enough qualified writers today to fill the increasing need. Besides the standard venues, more and more markets are begging for humor material: speeches, social media, advertising, blogging, podcasts, and e-learning.

Higher education is addressing the rising demand for humor writers. Many universities offer humor-writing courses and programs in humor studies, and several colleges use this book as their primary text. Columbia College in Chicago became the first school to offer a bachelor of arts degree in comedy writing and performance.

At the Scripps School of Journalism at Ohio University, Mel Helitzer taught the first college credit humor-writing course in 1980. Within three years, “Humor Writing” had become such a smash hit that the twenty allotted seats were assigned a year in advance. Students for the class ranged from fellow faculty members to adults from the community—including lawyers, doctors, accountants, homemakers, and even one mortician. The course was featured in several national publications including Newsweek and the Chicago Tribune. Rolling Stone, dubbed Helitzer as "one of the funniest university professors in the country."

"Humor Writing" had the most unique final exam of any university course—a stand-up comedy performance before a live audience. Each student wrote and performed a five-minute stand-up comedy routine, and the audience’s reaction determined their final exam grade. Polite applause earned a “C,” enthusiastic applause merited a “B,” and a standing ovation got an “A.” If the audience threw food, it was an “F.” However, if the food was edible, then the grade was bumped up to a “D.”

One of Helitzer’s students was Dr. Mark Shatz—not the mortician, though some of his material died. Shatz earned an “A” without bribing Helitzer, and eventually became the final exam’s permanent emcee. When Helitzer retired, he passed the proverbial comedic chicken to Shatz, and the course was then offered at the Ohio University campus in Zanesville. Shatz expanded the final exam by hiring a professional comedian to be the headliner, and the show annually attracted audiences of several hundred people.

In 2005, Helitzer and Shatz co-authored the second edition of Comedy Writing Secrets. Shatz continued teaching the course and sharing the secrets of humor writing at national conferences, including the Erma Bombeck Humor Writers’ Workshop. Shatz pursued research exploring the benefits of humor in the classroom—he and Dr. Frank LoSchiavo published the first empirical study of humor integrated into online instruction. Shatz also conducted training programs on writing instructional humor for K-12 educators and college professors.

Sadly, in 2009, Mel Helitzer died. Mel’s rich and rewarding life included service in the armed forces during World War II and a children's advertising career that spanned decades. As an Ohio University faculty member, students revered Mel and they elected him as Professor of the Year. He left an impressive body of work—seven books, an off-Broadway musical play, and many articles. Mel was most proud of his devoted family and friends: his two daughters, Deborah and Adrienne, his partner, Linea, and the numerous people whose lives he touched.

Mel was a comedic Yoda to students, colleagues, writers, and performers. His mantra was that humor writing demanded dedication, practice, and a thick skin. To illustrate his point, Mel wrote the following fable for the second edition.

One day a donkey fell into a well. The farmer couldn’t get him out, so he knew he had to cover him up. He called in his neighbors, and they all started to throw dirt down the well, but instead of burying the animal, the donkey would shake the dirt off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the pile of dirt got so high that the donkey stepped over the edge of the well. Moralists use this story to preach that all our troubles can be stepping-stones, that we shouldn’t give up; instead shake it off and take a step up. Comedians, however, note that as soon as the disdained donkey got to the top, he ran over and bit the farmer. Their moral is that if something goes wrong, try to cover your ass. Otherwise, it can come back and bite you.

This book can make you rich in many ways. And that’s no joke.

Mark Shatz

2016

Introduction

Nobody can teach you humor writing. The secret is passed on from one generation to another, and I will not tell mine, except to my son.

—Art Buchwald

Some comedians believe humor-writing skills are mystically inherited. But the truth is anyone can learn to write humor. Although some individuals are naturally funnier than others, just as some individuals are more athletic or more musically gifted, humor writing can be taught, and humor-writing skills can be learned.

Humor writing is a creative art, and, like all creative arts, it has structure and formula. And all artistic endeavors are built on teachable skills and techniques. Consider one of the most popular creative arts, photography.

The basics of photography are fairly simple—point and shoot, which makes it easy to record a moment or experience. Eventually most novices become frustrated with the quality of their photos, and they purchase a photography manual. With a little bit of instruction covering the basics—lighting, framing, and settings—anyone can take decent photos.

Like taking a simple photograph, just about anyone can make others laugh. That’s because the basics of comedy are simple, too—tell a joke. And with a little bit of instruction covering the basics—theories of humor, joke formats, and humor targets—anyone can write funny.

This book is divided into three sections that cover the fundamentals of comedy writing. The first section discusses the foundations of humor writing, including the theories and principles of humor and why we laugh. The second section describes various humor-writing techniques, such as plays on words, reverses, triples, and exaggeration. The final section explains how to write humor for speeches, articles, social media, the Internet, and the classroom.

While Comedy Writing Secrets is an introduction to humor writing, we don’t promise it will instantly transform you into a professional. It takes years of dedication to professionally write and edit funny for different purposes, audiences, and settings. Nevertheless, this book will give you a platform to start.

In each chapter, there are basics or principles that can help you further your artistic abilities. Yet, learning the fundamentals is meaningless without practice. A running feature throughout this book, “The Writing Lab,” offers hundreds of practice suggestions and tips. As David Seabury observed, “Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice.”

The success of the first two editions of Comedy Writing Secrets proves that humor writing is not a mystery. Over 150,000 readers have learned the theory, structure, and techniques of thinking and writing funny. So, let’s get started.

Part One

Comedy Writing 101

Chapter 1

Introduction to Humor Writing

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

—Dennis Patrick

Ponder this. You and your mates are sitting around having a few pints. By the third round of Colt 45 and Red Bull, you start reminiscing about your favorite video games and wondering if you could create a game. Mate one says, “The best games have stupid animals.” Mate two says, “No, all good games involve killing.” Mate three says, “How about combining both, like some pissed-off birds killing pigs?”

Angry Birds is a top-grossing mobile application. It began as an idea, albeit a stupid one, yet the creators didn’t shoot it down (pun intended).

Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs.

—George Bray

Humorists have one cardinal rule: Don’t be inhibited. When writing, write freely. If your internal critic limits your creativity by saying “This sucks!” then you will be left with nothing. Your goal is to tap the full potential of your comedic inventiveness by remembering this mantra: Nothing sucks. Nothing does suck!

To write funny, you must first think funny. But if you shoot down your ideas before you try to write, you will destroy any chance of creating something funny. The key to writing humor is simple: Kill the pigs.

Comedy Writing’s Top Secret: Imagination

People say to me, “Tammy, where do you get your material?” I go, “I wake up.”

—Tammy Pescatelli

The first secret of comedy writing is perhaps its most important. Imagination drives comedy, and just about everyone has an imagination—or no one would ever get married. So just about everyone can learn the fundamentals of humor.

Let’s use a simple humor exercise to illustrate the first step in humor conception—imagination. Consider the possible uses of two round barstool cushions. Other than stool cushions, what can they be? For five minutes, use your imagination and plenty of exaggeration. Without being restrained by practicality, scribble down as many possibilities as you can.

Your list of possible uses for two stool cushions might include the following:

oversized skullcaps

cymbals for folks with really sensitive hearing

coasters for supersized venti quad-shot Starbucks lattes

hemorrhoid pads for a really large person

frisbees for the athletically challenged

This humor Rorschach test proves creativity is the key to comedy’s engine, which won’t turn over without unbridled imagination. Look at any other common object—an iPad, a beer bottle, furniture in a room, or parts of the human body. Train your mind to constantly ask What if? and brainstorm all the possibilities of what else these objects could be. Don’t worry if your ideas seem absurd. The exercise is to get your imagination in gear.

Imagination is intelligence having fun.

—George Scialabba

What if? imagination allows you to realign diverse elements into new and unexpected relationships that surprise the audience—and surprise makes people laugh.

What if mother’s milk was declared a health hazard? Where would they put the warning label?

What if you actually saw McNuggets on a chicken?

What if Facebook users posted truthful profiles?

What if God took a selfie? Would there be three pictures?

What if men had menstrual cycles? Would they ever stop whining?

When writing humor, let your imagination run wild. Make unconstrained assumptions. Editing and self-censorship are second and third steps—never the first!

Humor vs. Comedy

Comedy speaks, humor listens.

—Rajiv Satyal

In everyday life, humor and comedy are used interchangeably. But, academicians, especially English professors, often attempt to draw distinctions between humor and comedy. Humor is considered the broader term that encompasses all types of humor material, such as satire, sarcasm, irony, and parody. It is viewed as insightful comments and astute observations that also amuse. Clever, erudite writers compose humor to create a stimulating, memorable delicacy, like the ones seen in The New Yorker. As Mark Twain observed, “Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.”

While humor is deemed significant, comedy is seen as a less sophisticated and even juvenile subset of humor. Comedy is composed solely of mindless jokes meant to cause laughter. Comedy writers craft jokes that are pleasurable but insignificant candy, as you would expect in Mad magazine. As Steve Martin said, “Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.”

It’s true that jokes in isolation are just that—jokes. However, any form of humor writing uses jokes to produce the humor. We take a less elitist position and do not make arbitrary distinctions between humor and comedy. If the result is laughter, then the label is insignificant. Our goal is to help you write funny.

Humorist vs. Comedian

I knew that I wanted to do comedy when I discovered irony. For those of you who don't know, I actually discovered irony when I was seven, which is when my mom started beating me with my own trophies.

—Morgan Murphy

Professionals who live off being funny are very serious about their craft. And, they are deadly serious about professional labels. Calling a self-anointed humorist a comedian is no laughing matter. Yet, it’s sometimes difficult to determine what to call a professional funny person.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

—Erma Bombeck

What is not difficult to appreciate is the passion for their profession. Television programs like The Green Room with Paul Provenza, Inside Comedy hosted by David Steinberg, and Make ’Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America provide insight into the world of stand-up comedy. WTF with Marc Maron is a popular podcast with hundreds of episodes with interviews of actors, writers, and comics. And Mike Sacks’s wonderful book volumes, And Here’s the Kicker, include extensive conversations with top humor writers. The pros share one universal belief—comedy demands total devotion and years of practice.

I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school who failed math.

—Dat Phan

The difference between a humorist and a comedian is often blurred because both professions rely on funny to generate income. The distinction is usually based on how the funny is delivered—humorists write funny while comedians perform funny. It’s stand-up comedy, not stand-up humor. And, it’s sitcoms rather than sithums.

Using delivery as the criterion often doesn’t settle the matter. For example, was Mark Twain a humorist or a comedian? Obviously his writing was his great success, but Samuel Langhorne Clemens traveled the country performing one-man shows while reciting jokes like the following:

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Honesty is the best policy—when there is money in it.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor has been awarded annually by the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts since 1988. The first recipient was Richard Pryor, and other winners include Jonathan Winters, Lily Tomlin, Lorne Michaels, Neil Simon, Tina Fey, and Will Ferrell. As with Clemens, it’s difficult to assign a label to these gifted professionals.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

—James Thurber

We fully appreciate the importance of assigning the proper label to these talented professionals. As with the terms comedy and humor, we don’t get hung up on classification. We’re much more concerned with thinking, writing, and being funny. For someone like Mark Twain, we are more interested in what made him funny than we are in his job title.

Whose Joke Is It?

Contemporary humor-writing methods are an extension of past techniques. We focus on contemporary humorists, but since comedians often rip off the greats, knowledge of humor history is critical. This book, therefore, includes examples and advice from scores of contemporary comedians, such as Louis C.K., Tina Fey, Chris Rock, Bo Burnham, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, and Amy Schumer, and from humor hall of famers such as Erma Bombeck, Rodney Dangerfield, and George Carlin, and even from such early American humorists as Mark Twain, Dorothy Parker, and Will Rogers.

Unfortunately credit lines for humor are a researcher’s nightmare, like this pairing:

If you can’t join them, beat them.

—Mort Sahl

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

—George Carlin

There are over a thousand examples of jokes in this book and most were found on the Internet. We wrote only a few. In our lectures, we always credit the authors—except for those jokes that get really big laughs.

Doing research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by pack rats and vandalized nightly.

—Roger Ebert

There are many standard jokes, and they have hundreds of variations. No one can swear that any one was his creation. In Oh, the Things I Know! Al Franken stated, “I am not a member of any organized religion. I am a Jew.” Franken later noted that he “first heard that joke from a Catholic, who had substituted the word Catholic.” Will Rogers used that same premise—but he substituted the words political party and Democrat—nearly one hundred years ago.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

—Will Rogers

The gifted stand-up comic, Patton Oswalt, wrote an essay about thievery within the comedy industry. As he noted, some plagiarism is intentional, with comedians rationalizing the crime by arguing they perform the material better than its creator. But that’s clearly a violation of comedy’s first commandment: “Thou shall not steal others’ jokes.”

Often plagiarism is accidental and due to the brain’s limited memory. A professional comedian hears thousands of jokes annually, and when it’s time to craft his or her own material, the comic might accidentally channel the funny of others. As Oswalt confessed, “Well, I stole a joke. Not consciously. I heard something I found hilarious, misremembered it as an inspiration of my own, and then said it onstage. And got big laughs.”

Plagiarism is the highest form of art, just as theft is the highest form of commerce.

—Simon Munnery

If properly crediting jokes is a researcher’s nightmare, then determining whether a quote is an original or a rip-off is impossible.

Comedy is a tragedy plus time.

—Carol Burnett

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

—Angela Carter

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long shot.

—Charlie Chaplin

It’s also been proven that such famous lines as Horace Greeley’s “Go west, young man,” Marie Antoinette’s “Let them eat cake,” Joseph Addison’s “He who hesitates is lost,” W.C. Fields’s “Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad,” and his oft-quoted tombstone inscription, “I would rather be here than in Philadelphia,” Mark Twain’s “Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it,” Will Rogers’s “I never met a man I didn’t like,” and Franklin D. Roosevelt’s “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” were all previously written by someone else.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

—Bo Burnham

We have the utmost respect for comedic geniuses, and we try to acknowledge their work throughout the book. However, if scholars have this problem with historic lines, then giving proper credit for similar jokes, anecdotes, and witticisms can be a never-ending dilemma. So the best we can offer for identification is to list the name that was published in someone’s joke collection—but we can’t bet on its accuracy. Of course, some jokes came to us creditless, and some we wrote ourselves. The ghost of Marlowe will always haunt the library of Shakespeare—and that’s not an original line, either.

The Benefits of Humor Writing

The benefits of humor writing are the four Rs: respect, remembrance, relaxation, and rewards. The skillful use of humor can

earn you respect

cause your words to be remembered

reduce stress and promote relaxation

earn great financial and personal rewards

Respect: Get Up And Glow

We use humor primarily to call attention to ourselves. Notice how you react when you tell a joke to a small group of friends and, just as you get to the end, someone shouts out the punchline. That person gets the laugh. You don’t. You feel victimized. Your glare might be the physical limit of your anger at first—but the second time this happens, you’ll try to kill the jerk, and no jury will convict you.

Laughter is to the psyche what jogging is to the body—laughter makes your psyche healthy and bright and vigorous. But unlike jogging, humor (at least in live performance) offers immediate gratification—more so than any other art form. You know within a half-second when your audience is appreciative, because this jury’s decision is impulsive and instantaneous.

Comedy is very controlling—you are making people laugh. It is there in the phrase “making people laugh.” You feel completely in control when you hear a wave of laughter coming back at you that you have caused.

—Gilda Radner

There are other ways that you can attract attention: You can achieve something outstanding, criticize somebody, or be unconventional, for instance. But you can increase the impact of these things with humor. Humor is more than entertainment or joke telling—it’s a powerful social lubricant that eases and enriches communication, interpersonal relations, and education. Humor is a universal speech opener because it immediately earns the speaker respectful attention. It’s psychologically impossible to hate someone with whom you’ve laughed.

When we laugh, we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

—Robert Orben

Humor can also help you gain success and respect in nearly every profession (unless, perhaps, you are a mortician). For example, teachers facilitate instruction with humor, advertising executives use humor to sell products, and politicians rely on humor to promote their candidacies. Humor doesn’t just get you attention—it gets you favorable attention and respect.

Remember: Everlasting Memories

When we’re successfully humorous—live or in print—people remember. Our best lines are retained and repeated. An impressive number of sayings in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations are witticisms.

Their is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

—Erma Bombeck

On one issue at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

—H.L. Mencken

Humor promotes learning and makes it memorable. Studies have found that students who attend lectures that include witticisms and anecdotes achieve higher test scores than students who attend the same lectures minus the humor. When learning is fun, everybody benefits. In and out of the classroom, jokes are probably our best opportunity for immortality—for being remembered. I don’t want to gain immortality by my humor. I want to gain immortality by not dying.

—Woody Allen

Relaxation: FDA Approval Not Required

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

—Jack Handey

The origin of “humor” is attributed to the ancient Greeks. They believed four humours—blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile—were the key components of personality. An excess of any fluid would cause illness, while an equal balance led to mental stability or “good humor.”

Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public.

—Tom Walsh

Today a sense of humor—the ability to appreciate or express funny—is one of the most prized human attributes. Some of the most accomplished individuals attribute their success to a sense of humor:

Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.

—Harry Truman

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

—Mahatma Gandhi

Being able to sense or perceive funny helps keep life, especially tragedy, in perspective, and promotes flexibility, health, and adaptability. As Oscar Wilde noted, “Life is too serious to be taken seriously.” Yet, the healing effects of humor were not fully discussed until the mid-1970s release of An Anatomy of an Illness. In the best-selling book, Norman Cousins described his battle with a painful, life-threatening illness and his unique treatment—mega-doses of humor. His therapy included watching countless hours of Marx Brothers’ movies and various sitcoms.

He who laughs, lasts!

—Mary Poole Pettibone

Cousins’s recovery led to numerous television appearances and public speaking opportunities. While Cousins was preaching the medicinal benefits of humor, scientists were exploring the mind-body connection, such as humor’s impact on stress. The culmination of anecdotal evidence and scientific results proved the idea that laughter and humor could be therapeutic was no longer pop psychology.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

—Mel Brooks

Fun and funny promote relaxation because humor directly impacts one's immune system by producing positive chemical and psychological changes. The effects may be short-lived and limited, but there's no doubt that humor is good for you. The research led to an explosion of humor therapy programs such as the following:

Laughter clubs and laughter yoga are international movements that believe daily laughter group sessions promote physical, emotional, and mental health.

The Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor is a professional organization that trains humor and laughter therapy professionals.

Besides adding street cred to working with humor, humor therapy opened up new markets for writers. For example, each of the organizations described above rely on writers to produce newsletters, conference materials, promotional packages, Facebook pages, and Twitter feeds. Being skilled in writing funny makes you more marketable, especially in areas like human resources.

Reward: Show Me the Money

Humor is important in every facet of commercial life, which means the demand for humor writers far exceeds the supply. And since there is no official humor certification organization, there is no such thing as a certified professional humor writer. If you can sell your material or get paid for performing it, you’re a professional.

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.

—Richard Bach

Opportunities abound for humor writers, who can seek careers as syndicated columnists, bloggers, greeting card writers, stand-up comedians, Internet and advertising copywriters, and screenwriters for TV sitcoms and film. More and more frequently, big-business executives are hiring speechwriters able to make them gag on every line (and you can read that line any way you want to). Many political candidates—in fact, every president since Franklin Roosevelt—have had in-house humorists on their speech-writing teams. President Barack Obama’s writers crafted the following one-liners for a White House Correspondents' Dinner:

I look in the mirror and say, “I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be.”

I remember when BuzzFeed was something I did in college around 2 a.m.

Another reason for the high demand for humor writers is that television is a joke-eating shark. It chews up more humor material in a month than all other markets use in a year. Johnny Carson once remarked that television is the only medium that eats its young, because young writers are the ones most frequently hired to feed the shark day after day. Many young humorists are attracted to the eye-popping financial rewards of a career in TV humor writing, but writers are only as good as their last joke, and fatigue causes many of them to burn out after a year. Whatever humor-writing endeavors you choose, you can be financially and personally successful if you develop good humor-writing skills—and staying power.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

—Woody Allen

Since writing is the backbone of any television show or movie, comedy can also be a springboard to a lucrative career. The annual Forbes Highest-Paid Entertainers list often includes comics like Jerry Seinfeld, Jeff Dunham, Kevin Hart, Russell Peters, Larry David, Louis C.K., and Ellen DeGeneres. The Simpsons became the longest-running television comedy because of an incredibly talented team of over one hundred writers. Perhaps the greatest collection of humor writers worked in the 1950s for shows starring Sid Caesar. His Hall of Fame cast of writers included Neil Simon, Larry Gelbart, Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, and Woody Allen. Individually, as well as collectively, those writers went on to produce an unmatched quantity and quality of comedy.

A former girlfriend remembers Bill Gates as having bad breath. He remembers her as not having $100 billion.

—Conan O’Brien

Many aspiring comedians look at the endgame and forget the journey is based on the ability to write funny. They see someone like Conan O'Brien and want to mimic his success as a talk show host. But, they don’t realize that O'Brien worked for years behind the camera. He started as a college student writing and editing the National Lampoon, then wrote for TV shows such as Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons. Eventually he was selected by NBC to replace David Letterman. Years of writing gags, skits, and jokes occurred before the fame.

Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered?

This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, “Ooh, you should do porno!” Same girl sat on my lap and was like, “Ooh, you should tell jokes!”

—Donnell Rawlings

Only a few individuals have the natural gifts and work ethic to rely on their funny for income. When your car payment, mortgage, and daily survival are paid for by humor, it changes the entire ballgame. A career in humor will require years of practice, dedication, and rejection. To those who make it to the comedic holy land, we acknowledge your talents and efforts.

The Downsides of Humor

When used properly, humor is a life lubricant and the benefits extend to one’s personal, professional, and private life. However, humor is a matter of perception, and certain factors influence whether humor is viewed as an enhancer or an irritant.

Timing: Not Now

The adage, “timing is everything,” applies to humor. Telling the wrong joke at the wrong time in the wrong place will backfire.

Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.

—Illza Shlesinger

Personal: I Don’t Think That’s Funny

What one person considers funny, others may not find humorous.

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic—that's my big point right there. I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for fifteen minutes before that, the kid was going, “Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!”

—K.P. Anderson

Examples of misplaced humor abound. Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame had his career nosedive after making some off-color jokes. While campaigning, presidential candidate Mitt Romney told a “humorous” story about his father closing a factory that reinforced Romney’s out-of-touch persona. Lena Dunham, writer and creator of Girls, habitually caused viral frenzies with provocative tweets like “Kate Middleton is pregnant! Will she keep it?”

Cultural: We Don’t Think That’s Funny

What one culture considers funny, others may not find humorous. In fact, societal differences in humor perception can have horrible consequences.

For years, the French publication Charlie Hebdo satirized everything from religion to feminism. One of the magazine’s cartoonists, Jean Cabut, summed up their philosophy when he said, “Sometimes laughter can hurt—but laughter, humor, and mockery are our only weapons.”

Sadly, in 2015, in “response” to cartoons mocking Islam, two masked men brandishing Kalashnikovs burst into the magazine's headquarters and killed a dozen staff members. The surviving cartoonists responded to the senseless murders by following Cabut’s advice. For the next issue, they drew a cover illustration of the Prophet Mohammad holding a placard stating, “We are Charlie.”

Gender: Men Are Funnier—Not!

Comedy, especially stand-up comedy, has a long history of being a Y-chromosome-only club—there are considerably more male comedians and they are typically paid more than female performers.

Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m.

—Ellen DeGeneres

The most common explanation for gender differences in professional comedy is sexism—focusing on a woman’s appearance rather than her funny. Sexism also drives the belief that female comics shouldn’t address certain topics. Amy Schumer responded to comments concerning her looks and material with the following:

I'm probably, like, 160 pounds right now, and I can catch a dick whenever I want.

I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, “He’s a thinker.”

Previous generations held the patriarchal attitude that women should not perform comedy. Comic icon Jerry Lewis said, “A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.” Tina Fey’s response to Lewis and other myopic comics was, “We fucking don’t care if you like it.”

Getting Started

The humorist’s mind is a wonderful thing to watch. Sometimes you can even see humorists’ lips move as they silently try out different ideas. Meet them during off-hours at a social gathering; every fact reported, every name mentioned, every prediction made is grist for humorous association. At the end of a party, if you ask how they enjoyed themselves, they might answer positively only if they’ve been successful at collecting new material, which they’ll write and rewrite all the way home.

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention—that antenna is always out there.

—Bob Newhart

To take the first steps toward humor writing, you also must accept that humor writing is a 24⁄7 gig. New ideas can pop into your head anytime, anyplace.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

—Mitch Hedberg

To keep track of ideas and potential material, the humorist’s toolbox typically includes record-keeping devices such as a notepad, digital voice recorder, or note-taking app. If you hope to sell your writing, you’ll need a copy of Writer’s Market, the bible of the publishing industry.

Regardless of the tools you use, you’ll need to devise a system for organizing your writing. The traditional method is to organize jokes by topics using some type of filing system. Milton Berle and Bob Hope each had a vault containing more than six million jokes on index cards sorted by topic. The digital alternatives to index cards are database or spreadsheet programs—the jokes used in this book were cataloged in Bento.

If you plan to write more elaborate humor (such as columns, articles, or scripts), there are a variety of software programs that can aid your writing. Concept mapping programs, such as Inspiration and Scapple, allow you to visualize your material and easily manipulate ideas, and their integrated diagramming and outlining environments facilitate brainstorming, organizing, and outlining. Organizational work space software, such as Evernote and Dropbox, help with arranging and storing information. The manuscript for this book was prepared with the gold standard of authoring software, Scrivener.

The Writing Lab

The following activities will help you develop your comedy writing foundation through listening, observing, reading, and exploring. It’s critical that you complete these exercises now, because they will be used throughout the next few chapters.

List your ten favorite comedians and humorists, and search for jokes, tweets, or quotes by each of these individuals.

After you amass twenty jokes, identify the subject or target of the joke, and explain why you think the joke is funny. This exercise will help you become aware of the format of successful jokes and provide you with insight into your own comedic preferences.

Collect ten to fifteen cartoons or comics. As you did with the jokes, identify the target of the humor and describe why the cartoon is funny to you. You may find it helpful to continue building a file of jokes and cartoons that appeal to you.

In addition to building a joke and cartoon file, you’ll need to find new material to use as the building blocks for your humor writing. Most professional humor writers begin each day by reading a newspaper, watching news on TV, and/or surfing the Internet for incidents and situations that might provide joke material. As you read this book and complete the exercises at the end of each chapter, form a daily habit of recording odd and funny news events.

Everyday life is the main source for humor, so you need to keep some type of personal humor journal. To facilitate psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud had patients complete a dream diary, and he encouraged them to associate freely during therapy. To be a successful writer and to tap into the full potential of your comic persona, you should follow an analogous approach. Record everyday events, ideas, or observations that you find funny, and do your journaling without any form of censorship. The items you list are not intended to be funny, but to serve as starting points for writing humor.

Recap

If you want to succeed as a humor writer, you must become a serious student of humor. That means systematically analyzing and studying humor to know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and its impact. A key prerequisite to thinking and writing funny is understanding funny. And, you must be willing to kill the swine.

Chapter 2

Why We Laugh

Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

—Wayne Federman

Aristotle studied it, and Socrates debated it. Such famous historical figures as Charles Darwin, Thomas Hobbes, and Henri Bergson wrote papers on their humor theories. In the twentieth century, Sigmund Freud, Max Eastman, and even Woody Allen tried to formulate clear explanations of the purpose of humor. In fact, there’s been more research on humor in the last decade than in all previous centuries combined. Humor has played an important part in our lives for thousands of years, but scientists and philosophers are still working to understand what laughter means, why we tell jokes, and why we do or don’t appreciate other people’s humor.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

—Charlie Chaplin

Despite the prowess of the minds that have considered the subject, answers are far from definitive. Like rabbis in the eternal debate over the meaning of the Talmud, every scholar of comedy interprets its subjective phenomena in terms of his own discipline. Today there is more diversity of opinion than ever.

So much remains to be done that the student of humor has a real opportunity to make a significant contribution to the field.

—Jeffrey Goldstein and Paul McGhee

The only common denominator among the theories is an agreement that humor is so subjective that no one theory can possibly fit in all instances. For those interested in creating humor, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that if humor has so many tangents, it may have an unlimited variety of benefits. Most of them have yet to be discovered. The bad news is that those who create comedy are not sure they know exactly what they’re doing. “I work strictly on instinct,” Woody Allen admitted. Humor writers therefore have to live with the fear that they won’t be able to continue producing humor consistently.

There are few artists more insecure than humorists. They are traditionally suspicious of any attempt to analyze their creative techniques. That’s because they develop their formulas through trial and error. They discover comedy batting averages; some techniques work more often than others.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

—Steve Martin

Contemporary humorists seldom agree on any comedic philosophy except: If it gets a laugh, it’s funny. If you want to write funny, however, you must first understand how audiences respond to humor. In short, you must understand why we laugh.

Psychologist Patricia Keith-Spiegel identified two primary reasons why we laugh:

We laugh out of surprise.

We laugh when we feel superior.

Keith-Spiegel identified six additional motivations for laughter, each of which supports the two main reasons, surprise and superiority:

We laugh out of instinct.

We laugh at incongruity.

We laugh out of ambivalence.

We laugh for release.

We laugh when we solve a puzzle.

We laugh to regress.

The theories of humor discussed in this chapter will provide you with a starting point for analyzing why humor does or does not work. Over time, your personal theory of humor will evolve and influence your writing.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. They both die in the process.

—E.B. White

Be forewarned—the application of humor theories does have a downside. As you shift into an analytical mind-set, you’ll spend more time thinking about why something is funny and less time laughing. As we take jokes apart, we must be as unemotional as a coroner during an autopsy.

Surprise

A wonderful thing about true laughter is that it just destroys any kind of system of dividing people.

—John Cleese

We laugh most often to cover our feelings of embarrassment. This can be a result of either having unintentionally done or said something foolish, or having been tricked. If we have been tricked, we have been surprised. Surprise is one of the most universally accepted formulas for humor. A joke is a story, and a surprise ending is usually its finale.

If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep … Hey, Snickers!”

—Patton Oswalt

Appreciation of any piece of humor decreases rapidly through repeated exposure or when the ending is predictable. Tickling doesn’t always cause laughter. If you know the tickle is coming, you are less likely to laugh. Clever wordplay engenders grudging appreciation in your peers, but surprise wordplay gives birth to laughter. We smile at wit. We laugh at jokes.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

—Tommy Cooper

The techniques that most often trigger surprise are misdirection (when you trap the audience), and incongruity (which is most effective when the audience is fully aware of all the facts, but someone they are observing is not).

If laughter is the electricity that makes a comedy writer’s blood start pumping, then surprise is the power generator. The need for surprise is critical in comedy.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

—Conan O’Brien

According to playwright Abe Burrows, the best way to define the construction of surprise is to use baseball terms: A joke is a curve ball—a pitch that bends at the last instant and fools the batter. “You throw a perfectly straight line at the audience and then, right at the end, you curve it. Good jokes do that,” Burrows said. To achieve the unexpected twist, it’s sometimes necessary to sacrifice grammar and even logic.

He may not be able to sing, but he sure can’t dance.

A key word sets up the surprise. It gets the audience to assume they know the ending. Notice how the word half works in the following example.

My wife and I have many arguments, but she only wins half of them. My mother-in-law wins the other half.

—Terry Bechtol

There are many ways to achieve surprise. What’s important is to remember that you really can’t be funny without it.

Superiority

There appears to be a strong and constant need for us to feel superior. In many ways, humor satisfies this most basic of needs.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of others.

—Bobby Slayton

Humor is a reaction to tragedy. “The joke is at someone else’s expense,” wrote anthropologist Alan Dundes. We even laugh when the baby falls down and goes boom. We defend this sadistic release by saying, “That’s cute.” It’s not cute—especially from the baby’s perspective. Humor often ridicules the intelligence, social standing, and physical and mental infirmities of those we consider inferior to ourselves.

He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor.

—Bill Bryson

But those we consider superior to ourselves are not spared. We delight in publicizing and mocking every shortcoming—perceived or real—of people who are in positions of authority, who are richer, more famous, more intelligent, physically stronger, or more admired. The greater the prestige of the victim, the greater our desire to equalize.

President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.

—Conan O'Brien

Humor is social criticism. The object is to deflate. Humor has been an emotional catharsis for every American ethnic minority: Irish, Germans, Arabs, Jews, Blacks, Latinos, etc. There are few joke books on WASPs—but that doesn’t mean there aren’t jokes about them.

I’m a WASP, a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, and actually, a lot of my people are doing really well.

—Penelope Lombard

Humor also reassures the insecure. Even if we believe ourselves to be the “haves” (having power, money, knowledge, or prestige), there is tremendous insecurity about how we got it and how long we’re going to keep it. Americans have a tremendous sense of inferiority. We mask it with jokes about our superiority.

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression
that I could take the country over in about two days.

—Jon Stewart

There are two ways to feel superior. The first is to accomplish exemplary work that receives public acclaim. That’s difficult. The second (and easiest) way to feel superior is to publicly criticize the accomplishments of others. Doing so diminishes their prestige and focuses attention on us. Regardless of how much the second method might be deplored on ethical grounds, the amount of time and effort exerted to belittle the work of competitors is usually far greater than the amount of time and energy expended to improve our own abilities.

So I'm like, “Hold up, slick. I thought McDonald's was supposed to have fast and friendly service.”

She's like, “That's at participating McDonald's, and we ain't participating.”

—Retta

Our spark of laughter is always ignited by the misfortunes of those we fear. “Humor is the weapon of the underdog,” wrote psychologist Harvey Mindess. “We must look for avenues through which we can disgorge our feelings of inferiority by discovering the blemishes of our superiors.” In short, we feel superior because their image has been tarnished and because we aren’t in the same predicament.

As individuals (regardless of our status), our humor is generally directed upward against more authoritative figures.

A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?

—Jay Leno

In a group setting, our humor is directed downward toward groups that don’t conform to our social, religious, national, or sexual mores.

Latinos outnumber black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.

—Alonzo Bodden

Sigmund Freud’s explanation of this phenomenon was that “a good bit of humor is oriented to maintaining the status quo by ridiculing deviant social behavior and reassuring the majority that their way of life is proper. It is used as a weapon of the ‘ins’ against the ‘outs.’”

If you’re black, you gotta look at America a little bit different. You gotta look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college but molested you.

—Chris Rock

The professional humorist must always be aware that audience members are happiest when his subject matter and technique encourage them to feel superior. The target of a roast smiles only because he knows everyone is watching for his approval. Despite being the guest of honor, he would rather have stayed home with his wife—where he would also have been insulted, but at least he could have saved a clean, white shirt.

Some of you are afraid to laugh. “I'm scared, Carlos.” Don't be scared. God wants you to laugh. God has a sense of humor, and if you don't believe me, tomorrow go to Wal-Mart and just look at people.

—Carlos Mencia

Now that we’ve discussed the two main reasons why people laugh—surprise and superiority—let’s examine the six other reasons. These six minor theories overlap one another and either function within or support the two main theories.

Instinct

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end.

—Max Eastman

Laughter is a born and bred instinct, a phenomenon of evolution. It appears to be a function of the nervous system that stimulates, relaxes, and restores a feeling of well-being in humans and animals. Apes laugh, chimps laugh, and after chewing up a favorite shoe, we’re pretty sure that dogs have a hearty chuckle.

Did it ever occur to you that the whales that beach themselves are the retards of the whale community?

—Joe Rogan

For human beings, laughter has evolved as a substitute for assault. Triumph is often coupled with an openmouthed smile followed immediately by a roar of laughter. Watch a pro football player after he scores a touchdown.

If laughter is biologically instinctive, the old adage of never trusting someone who laughs too loudly should be amended to include those who laugh with their mouths open. We laugh and joke not when we need to reach out and touch someone, but when we need to reach out and crush someone. It’s an attempt to vent our hostility when physical aggression is not practical.

Incongruity

Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense.

Humans are unique in the development of an advanced sense of humor that recognizes incongruity. The first signs of human laughter begin in early infancy and the laughs don’t stop until one’s last breath. Around three months, new laughter triggers enter the picture, such as funny faces and “Boo” games. As cognitive skills develop, incongruous actions, like using a hairbrush as a toothbrush, can cause laughter. Eventually language and conceptual incongruity, such as mispronounced or nonsense words, become funny.

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.

—Dr. Seuss

According to philosopher Henri Bergson, one type of comedic incongruity is an unconventional pairing of actions or thoughts. When someone behaves in a manner that is suddenly ill-suited to the logic of the occasion, it results in a ridiculous scenario. Examples include YouTube videos of a gifted feline pianist, the ultimate teasing of a talking canine, or Korean rapper Psy going Gangnam style on an invisible mare.

There seems to be more than a Latin semantic root shared by the words ridiculous and ridicule. And in humor, we ridicruel. Many incongruous situations provoke laughter because they allow the observer to feel superior. Some of the best illustrations of this type of comedic incongruity are the practical jokes on such television shows as Candid Camera, Punk’d, Just for Laughs, Impractical Jokers, and Jackass. These television programs, by design, encourage us to laugh at people trying to maintain dignity in bizarre circumstances. The audience laughs the hardest when it knows all the facts of the situation—and therefore feels superior to the perplexed victim of the joke.

It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible.

—Johnny Knoxville

Allen Funt, the creator of Candid Camera, claimed that the talking mailbox gag—a man is mailing a letter when suddenly the mailbox starts to talk to him—was the show’s top laugh getter. The incongruity of a mailbox talking to someone is funny on its own, but the apex of laughter comes when the man calls over his friend and asks him to listen to the amazing conversation. He starts talking to the mailbox. At this point, the mailbox doesn’t say a word. As the victim gets more and more exasperated and starts shouting at the mailbox, the camera cuts to a close-up of the friend—who is plainly questioning his buddy’s sanity.

Incongruity is the mainspring of laughter.

—Max Beerbohm

Incongruity may take the form of an entire comic plot, rather than a single joke. A common example of an incongruity-based plot in TV sitcoms is when one character hides in the closet moments before someone in authority (a spouse, boss, police officer) unexpectedly enters the room. This plot has a hundred variations, and it’s always popular because the audience knows all the facts, and therefore feels superior.

Ambivalence

This theory is similar to incongruity in its dependence on incompatible experiences. Nervous laughter covers our recognition of rigid conventions that make us appear foolish when held up to a humorist’s strobe light. In a dishonest world, honesty is amusing.

They say you should videotape your babysitter, but I don’t think you should involve your kid in a sting operation.

—Dave Chappelle

Whereas incongruity is the clash of incompatible ideas or perceptions, ambivalence is the simultaneous presence of conflicting emotions, such as the love/hate relationships in families. Holding our ambivalent feelings up for comedic inspection is the powerful shtick of many humorists, who often play upon the antagonism a parent may feel for a child.

Another common topic under the theme of ambivalence is the mother-son relationship (which makes analysts wealthy).

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.

—Richard Jeni

Ambivalent humor covers up our guilt feelings or our foolish errors; it’s an attempt to maintain dignity. Self-deprecating humor is just a device to set the audience at ease, so you can be in control.

Release

We laugh in embarrassment when we drop a glass in public or an innocent error of ours has been discovered. In these situations, laughter relieves tension. But laughter as release can also be a planned event, a conscious effort to unlock life’s tensions and inhibitions. We attend a Neil Simon play or a Louis C.K. concert because we want humor to help us laugh away our anxieties.

I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.

—Louis C.K.

This release is fortified by group approval. Comedy works best when an audience is not only prepared to laugh, but anxious to participate in a shared social experience.

For release humor to work, the audience must be clued to every plot from the beginning. If the audience and the actor don’t know what’s behind the door, that’s mystery. If the audience knows, but someone else doesn’t, that’s release comedy.

Did you ever wonder why we sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when we’re already there?

One theory of laughter as relief is that, if we feel the need to laugh, it’s because we’ve been whipped by the day’s battles and we’d like to hear or see a few others get smacked around. Misery loves company, but only if we can laugh at them and they can’t laugh back at us. We’ll even laugh wildly when a catcher chasing a foul ball wipes out seven guys in wheelchairs.

I hear blind people are complaining that seeing-eye dogs are expensive, difficult to train, and hard to get. I say, let ’em use midgets. They can use the work.

—Chris Rock

That’s sadism—and superiority.

Puzzle Solving

We frequently laugh when disjointed bits of information fall into place: Oh, so that’s the way it works!

I learned about sex the hard way—from books!

—Emo Philips

We smile, frequently even laugh aloud, when we experience that sudden insight of having solved a mystery, finished a crossword puzzle, or conquered a difficult assignment. Theorists refer to this type of scenario as configuration humor. In configuration humor, we laugh when a riddle encourages us to instantaneously discover some missing—and unexpected—piece of information. If we’re successful, we congratulate ourselves by laughing out loud. We are delighted by the solution to the puzzle (surprise), and we want the world to know we’re very smart (superiority).

Regression

Sigmund Freud’s theory of humor contended that humor, like sleep, is therapeutic. But even more important, he argued, wit can express—in a relatively appropriate way—urges and feelings that can’t otherwise be let loose, such as the desire to act on regressive infantile sexual or aggressive behavior. More to the point, Freud believed that a lack of humor can be a sign of mental illness.

My theory is that women don’t suffer from penis envy. Every man just thinks his penis is enviable. Maybe Freud suffered from penis doubt.

—Bob Smith

Psychologist J.C. Flugel wrote, “We laugh in order to socially accomplish childish regression without feeling foolish. We adopt a playful mood, excusable as relaxation.” This may explain why comic strips are the most universally accepted format of humor among adults, regardless of nationality or culture.

We’re young only once, but with humor, we can be immature forever.

—Art Gliner

Psychoanalysts learn a great deal about patients by listening to their humor. And you can learn a great deal about your own psychological makeup by constantly asking yourself (and answering truthfully), Why did I laugh at this joke and not at others?

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limits.

—Elbert Hubbard

Our regression into an infantile state of mind through humor, as suggested by psychoanalysts, is most often experienced in large settings. For group approval, we subjugate our humor preferences to those of authority figures. If the group leaders approve of the humor, we laugh. If the group leaders disapprove, we groan. We rarely enjoy humor if we feel we’re laughing counter to the crowd. If we are the first to laugh, we will stifle a hearty ha-ha in mid-ha if no one joins us. Even when acting childish, our desire is to maintain social approval.

The Writing Lab: Funnyoanalysis

Freud struck out frequently, but he did hit a home run with his major principle—early childhood experiences influence adult behaviors. Let’s examine how your childhood shaped your present sense of humor. There’s no need to lie down on a couch—simply answer the following questions:

What was your favorite childhood activity?

What is your funniest childhood memory?

Was your dad funny? Your mom? Your siblings?

Who was your funniest relative?

Which kids were fun to play with?

Let’s shift to present day. Answer the following questions:

What are your three funniest movies?

Who are the funniest people you know?

Which of your relatives is the funniest?

What activity is guaranteed to bring you a laugh?

To complete the funnyoanalysis, compare your childhood answers to your present funny bone. The reflection will help you appreciate how others molded and shaped your sense of humor.

The Science of Humor: The Search for Universal Answers

Scientists from various disciplines have investigated humor and laughter. The following are examples of the scientific exploration of humor since the 1990s.

The World’s Funniest Joke (or Not)

Richard Wiseman, a British scientist and the creator of LaughLab, conducted a global online study to discover the world’s funniest joke. He constructed a website that allowed visitors to submit jokes and rate the offerings of others. More than forty thousand jokes were received from seventy countries (though two-thirds were deemed inappropriate for posting). Based on several million critiques, the world’s funniest joke is as follows:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

The LaughLab joke survey revealed other interesting data. Germans rated jokes the funniest overall, while Canadians gave the lowest ratings. If you like talking-animal jokes, use a duck—it was considered the funniest talking animal. And the most submitted joke was: “What’s brown and sticky? A stick.” No one found the joke funny.

The Grand Unified Theory of Comedy (Or Not)

Peter McGraw, a professor of marketing and psychology, studies humor and laughter at his cleverly named University of Colorado facility, the Humor Research Lab (HuRL). His research, which is funded by marketing organizations, focuses on the relationship between moral violations and humor.

According to McGraw and his colleagues, laughter occurs when there is a violation of something benign. All kinds of behaviors, like slapstick, insults, and strange behaviors, represent transgressions of personal, social, and moral norms. To be considered funny, the violation must be harmless or at least perceived as benign (in sports jargon, “no harm, no foul”).

Here’s how Benign Violation Theory would explain the classic banana peel gag. Watching someone slip on a banana peel is funny—it’s a harmless violation of what is expected. Observing someone fall and suffer brain damage isn’t funny—it’s a violation of what’s expected, but the consequences are not benign.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

—Jack Handey

Critics of McGraw's work believe his theory is too simplistic and only a slight variation of incongruity theory. However, McGraw and his team deserve considerable credit for trying to systematically create and test a theory of humor.

Where’s the Funny Bone?

With the advancement of brain-imaging tools, scientists can now study how the brain processes humor. The typical experiment requires subjects to view, read, or listen to a humorous stimulus, such as an episode of The Simpsons or Seinfeld, while researchers record brain functioning. Although this type of research is still in its infancy, there is an emerging consensus concerning the brain’s reaction to humor. The language-based portion of the brain (the left frontal cortex) “gets” the joke by recognizing the ambiguity, incongruity, and surprise of the humor. The emotional areas of the brain (such as the amygdala) appreciate the humor and trigger laughter.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

—Edward De Bono

Eventually science will be able to explain humor’s neural underpinnings. However, the mystery of what, exactly, is “funny” will never be solved. One person considers the Three Stooges to be comic savants, while another finds no humor in Moe’s abuse of Curly—this illustrates the individual differences in the perception of what’s funny. A sense of humor is as unique as a fingerprint.

The Writing Lab: Analyzing the Funny

The following activities reinforce the importance of examining why something is funny.

Return to your joke and cartoon collections, and reanalyze each item using the two most important humor principles, surprise and superiority. Identify how the element of surprise is used and the ways in which the audience feels superior.

Select a favorite humor article or column, and highlight the funny sections. Examine the writing for how the author uses surprise to deliver the punch.

Watch a favorite comedy. Pause after funny scenes and write down how and why the humor worked. Pay particular attention to the two most important principles, surprise and superiority.

Examine the funny personal stories and anecdotes that you share with your friends to confirm how surprise and superiority play a role in the humor.

Recap

If you want to write funny, you must understand your intended goal—laughter. The theories discussed in this chapter explain how and why humor triggers laughter. For more information on laughter and the theories of humor, we recommend Robert Provine’s seminal book, Laughter: A Scientific Investigation.

No one theory explains fully why we laugh. Perhaps the wisest explanation of humor comes from the world’s oldest comedian, the 2,000 Year Old Man. The character, created by Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, offered a simple theory of humor:

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Chapter 3

The Recipe for Humor

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

—James Thurber

The two qualities shared by all successful humorists are consistency and targeted material. If you are consistent, you can make people laugh repeatedly—the ability to write funny isn’t a one-time thing.

Once you can consistently make people laugh, it’s essential to target your material so you don’t waste precious time preparing the wrong material for the wrong performer, to be delivered to the wrong audience, for the wrong purpose. This is true for all forms of humor writing.

The acronym MAPP sums up this second point rather efficiently. MAPP stands for material, audience, performer, and purpose. A humor MAPP is a requisite to writing funny, and all four elements must be interconnected. If not, then even the most perfect joke may not work.

What if you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it a joke?

—Steven Wright

To create your comedic MAPP, you start with the purpose. Why are you writing humor? Is it to motivate or to entertain? Is the humor for a speech, a presentation, a comedy gig, or the classroom? The purpose gives direction and meaning to the material.

The other elements of MAPP are influenced by the purpose and they’re interconnected. The material must be appropriate to the interests of the audience (or readers), and each must relate to the persona of the performer (or writer). Throughout the book, we’ll show you how to create and follow the MAPP to successful humor writing.

Humor is a rubber sword—it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

—Mary Hirsch

The comedic MAPP points you in the right direction, but you must still assemble the humor. There are six essential ingredients in any recipe for humor. With few exceptions, the absence of any one ingredient so disturbs the formula that the humor might not only taste “off,” but it might deflate like a ruined soufflé. Whether the humor is a one-liner, a lengthy anecdote, or a three-act theatrical piece, these six elements are required: target, hostility, realism, exaggeration, emotion, and surprise.

Although the prescribed order may be challenged, the first letter of each element in this configuration forms a memorable acronym: THREES.

The THREES formula focuses on the what and why of humor. The what is the target, and the why is the hostility, realism, exaggeration, emotion, and surprise contained in the humor. In this chapter, we discuss how the THREES formula is critical to writing funny.

Target: Aiming Your Humor

Our instinctive perception is that humor is fun. It isn’t! Humor is criticism cloaked as entertainment and directed at a specific target.

If there’s no corpse, there’s usually no joke.

—Jay Sankey

The proper selection of humor targets is not just important—it’s arguably the most critical factor in writing commercially successful humor. A humor target can be almost anything or anybody, but you need to be sure you’ve focused on the right target for your particular audience.

You can’t target an entire audience any more than you can shame the whole world. Humor is an attempt to challenge the status quo, but targeting must reaffirm the audience’s hostilities and prejudices.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

—Will Rogers

This means that humor is always unfair. Like editorial cartoons, jokes take a biased point of view. There’s no room in one joke for a balanced argument or explanation. As H.L. Mencken put it, “My business is diagnosis, not therapeutics.”

I hate phone solicitors. I’d rather get an obscene call; at least they work for themselves.

—Margaret Smith

The neophyte writer often selects egocentric humor targets—“my girl (boy) friend,” “my parents,” and “my sex organ.” Here’s the problem with myopic writing: Your companion may be the most bizarre or humorous person in the history of the human species, but no one else cares about your partner other than your family members (and even that is questionable). Unless members of the audience can vicariously share your experiences, you might as well perform your material in a bathroom. It will be safer.

Successful humorists select targets with universal appeal. Erma Bombeck wrote about the struggles of being a mother and did not focus on the specific eccentricities of her family. Because she invoked common experiences, Bombeck’s humor was appreciated by legions of devoted readers.

Housework can kill you if done right.

—Erma Bombeck

Another common mistake when selecting a target is to use general topics rather than specific premises. For example, the way people drive is a broad subject that will not readily lend itself to humor. The target must be more specific, such as how women are able to multitask (put on makeup, talk on a cell phone, etc.) while driving. By narrowing a general target to a specific premise, you increase the likelihood of surprising the audience with the punch line.

Ya know, Starbucks keeps popping up all over the place, and they don't have a slogan yet. So I thought of one for them. Let's see if you guys like it: “It's really expensive, but the line is long.”

—Karen Bergreen

Picking a good target isn’t a crapshoot. It takes thought, skill, and precision to MAPP your way to the right target. Strong targets, as noted above, can range from people to personal beliefs. Let’s take a closer look at some of the most common targets: yourself, sex, celebrities, places, products, and ideas.

Self: Pick on Somebody Your Own Size

By far the least offensive (but most effective) target is yourself. As writer and director Carl Reiner observed, “Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be the fool, but you’re the fool in charge.”

I enjoy using the comedy techniques of self-deprecation—but I'm not very good at it.

—Arnold Brown

Many comics open by ridiculing their shortcomings: their physical characteristics, finances, intelligence, and even their success. People are always willing to laugh at someone else, so it’s a safe way to warm up an audience. Once the audience is laughing, it’s time to move on to hotter issues.

I plan to become so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I’m dead.

—Laura Kightlinger

Sex: Talk Dirty to Me

Sex is one of the most popular humor targets. All of us—male or female, young or old—are more ambivalent about sexual activity than about any other single subject. It isn’t that we’re fascinated by exaggerated acts of sex; it’s that we’re frustrated by exaggerated reports of adequacy.

Men, stop lying about your size. Just tell your ladies: “I’ll do as best as I can. Then I’ll take you shopping.”

—Thea Vidale

Studies have shown that men’s greatest sexual concerns generally center around size, the ability to get an erection, performance, the amount of sex they’re having, premature ejaculation, and impotency—pronounced in West Virginia as im-PO-tan-cy, because it’s real impotent to me! (However you pronounce it, it still means having to say you’re sorry.)

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.

—Drew Carey

Research on sexual humor indicates that beginning joke tellers are more likely to select sexual themes that discriminate against males, regardless of the gender of the performer or the audience, and that their preferred subjects are those that belittle body parts and sexual performance.

I once dated a guy who drank coffee and alcohol at the same time. What a prince. Bad breath, limp dick, and wouldn’t go to sleep.

—Kris McGaha

Many comics use humor based upon deviance from the sexual norm.

You know you’re gay when you bend over and see four balls.

—Garry Shandling

Women are also intrigued by ribald humor about sexual activity, because they’re as sexually insecure as men about performance and satisfaction.

The penis, when you pull the underwear down, it's like a drunk friend just falling out of a car.

—Jo Koy

Celebrities and Politicians: Humor Fodder and Mudder

Celebrities and politicians are also popular targets. Celebrity service is a cheap shot, but our appetite for a dash of vinegary gossip about our heroes, icons, and villains is insatiable. Because the public almost indiscriminately idolizes the famous and the infamous, the American media love to create new celebrities in entertainment, sports, politics, and letters. Paradoxically, no sooner do the idol rich reach the apex of their media hype than we begin to humble them with gossip and humorous digs. After Solange Knowles (sister of Beyoncé) attacked Jay Z in an elevator, tweets tagged with #WhatJayZSaidToSolange included:

You are the Tito of your family.

Go ahead, strike a hit. I can't remember the last time you did that anyway.

It's a shame your career can't reach as high as your kicks.

Every generation or so, the comedic gods provide the ideal political target—the village idiot who misspeaks or says dumb things. For years, Dan Quayle, former vice president, played that role by uttering classic Quayle-isms like:

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

Sarah Palin is today’s Dan Quayle and offers so much more than outrageous statements—reality television show, family members dancing on reality television, and hyperactive social media comments. It seems like Palin and her family members were special gifts from the comedic gods.

While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's Alaska. If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rearview mirror.

—Seth Meyers

This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated in English.

—Bill Maher

Places: Living in a Crass House

Our need for superiority is the motivating factor whenever we ridicule places: We ridicule countries (France, North Korea); states (West Virginia, New Jersey); cities (New York City, Washington, DC); and local spots in the news (a neighborhood, a street, a bar, lover’s lane). Every humorist has a favorite dumping ground (FYI: We live in Ohio).

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so it's like Mardi Gras for white trash.

–John Caparulo

I moved from New York City to Athens, Ohio. Talk about culture shock. From the city that never sleeps to the city that never woke up.

—Mel Helitzer

Products: Malice in Wonderland

There’s a veritable eBay full of products that are favorite humor targets. They run from buildings and automobiles to sports equipment, jewelry, and junk food. The basic rule, again, is that your target be an object of annoyance shared by the entire audience. It’s easier to start backward. Begin with the punch line, but don’t finalize your position until you’ve decided it’s their position as well.

I hate when people ask me the time on the street ’cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can’t read my watch. When I’m alone, I’m great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can’t make it out . . . I always end up saying something useless, like, “It’s 20 of 9:40.”

—Louis C.K.

Ideas: Fools of the Game

The list of controversial ideas that can be humor targets is lengthy. Audacious ideas can include subjects such as religion, the meaning of life and death, and politics. Trash talking politicians is the meat and potatoes of a late night host’s opening monologue. Idea topics are the most likely to backfire, because a person’s politics and ideologies aren’t visible on the outside the way clothes are.

The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized last night. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that even possible? I mean, 148 years later this guy still can't get any security? Come on.

—David Letterman

Although feelings of superiority are essential to humor, you can nonetheless be funny by coming out for a topic or idea, rather than against it. “Comedy was born of anarchism,” said political humorist Mark Katz, “and now it’s moved into advocacy.”

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

—Woody Allen

Addictions: Just One More

Human frailties, like addiction, should evoke empathy or sympathy. For the humor writer, it’s just another opportunity to feel superior by making fun of the addiction or person.

There are numerous addictions. The most common is alcohol abuse.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that.

All they do is bitch and moan. “You drink too much. You sleep too much.”

It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

—Chelsea Handler

Closely related to alcoholism is substance abuse.

I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

—Richard Pryor

Gambling is another destructive habit.

People always get mad at the dealers. It's not the dealer's fault; it's random luck that they dealt the cards to you.

You know, my guy was trying to be good. He's like, “Hey man, you get ’em next time.”

I just lost $2,000! I'm like, “Yeah, I'll have a gun next time. We'll be playing a new game.”

— Rondell Sheridan

Just about any behavior, such as shopping, eating, exercise, or sex, could end up as an addiction.

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

—Russell Brand

The Writing Lab: Ready, Aim, Fire

There is an endless list of potential humor targets. The safest humor target, and the one in every humorist’s shooting range, is yourself. You may need practice creating self-deprecating humor, unless your parents were Jewish or Catholic.

The following exercises will generate a boatload of self-critical material. The downside is that when you’re done, you may need Zoloft.

Make a list of the seven most embarrassing moments in your life. Review the events and look for patterns.

Create a list of seven things you do not like about yourself. Then list all your personal faults, according to what others have told you.

Pick your top three least redeeming characteristics.

Stand in front of a mirror and look for your three most noticeable physical features.

Ask friends and family to identify celebrities who act and look like you.

Take all your critical comments and write a 250-word personal ad based on your less-than-desirable features.

Hostility: Ridicruel

The second ingredient in the THREES recipe for humor is hostility. Humor is a powerful antidote to many of the hostile feelings in our daily lives. All of us have hostility toward some target. As noted in chapter two, in humor, ridicule is spelled ridicruel. Comedy is cruel.

Comedy comes from conflict, from hatred.

—Warren Mitchell

All of us have hostility toward some person, thing, or idea—unless we are saints. Did you ever hear a joke about two perfect, happy people? But when a beer-bellied, blue-collar worker walks in the front door and says to his battle-ax of a wife, “Can you spare a few minutes? I need to be taken down a peg”—now, that works as great humor.

Let’s discuss some common sources of hostility (and therefore humor): authority, sex, money, family, angst, technology, and group differences.

Authority: Sock It to Me

While hostility against authority is international, in America, it is a national heritage. Since the Revolutionary days, we’ve enjoyed pricking the bloated arrogance of authority and watching it bleed. Humor is a great catharsis because it gives the public an opportunity to blow off indignant steam at authority figures both major and minor.

I looked up the word politics in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words: poli, which means “many,” and tics, which means “bloodsuckers.”

—Jay Leno

Hostile humor is usually directed upward, attacking those we perceive to be superior (or in a superior position). Freshmen ridicule upperclassmen but have less interest in making fun of their younger brothers or sisters. Faculty spend very little effort on humor directed at students and much more time satirizing the administration. In the military echelons of command, noncoms gripe about junior commissioned officers, who ridicule the major support staff, who in turn snicker about the general’s idiosyncrasies, until—so the story goes—General MacArthur’s wife once asked him to convert to a religion in which he no longer believed he was God.

Believing in God is a lot like wearing clean underwear. You never know when you going to be in an accident, but you'd better be prepared just in case.

–Eddie Ifft

This need for hostility bred what is called nihilistic humor—humor based on the theory that there is no person or thing so sacred as to be beyond ridicule. Humorists, protected by the First Amendment, enjoy the admiration of audiences that laugh and applaud their unbridled criticism of gods, political leaders, and celebrities. Marty Simmons, who published National Lampoon, credited the antiestablishment climate of Vietnam and Watergate with the birth and success of his magazine. But this freedom to criticize must be accompanied by perspective. As one comic admitted, hostility can be nothing more than intellectual masturbation: “There am I criticizing the President of the United States. He lives in the White House, and I’m telling dick jokes in some comedy club basement.”

It turns out now that Bill Clinton … he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There's eighty in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all eighty, he'll throw in his sex video, Too Hot for the Starr Report.

—David Letterman

When easily caricatured leaders run for reelection, humorists don’t know whether to vote their conscience or their profession. When columnist Art Buchwald was asked when he was going to retire, he said, “Not now, when humor’s so easy.”

Money and Business: The Loot of All Evil

Men admit they think more about sex than about any other subject, but studies throughout the years have indicated that women worry more about finances than sex. There’s little doubt, however, that money is a constant source of irritation and hostility between both sexes.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

—Rita Rudner

Perversely, financial worries only increase as you get wealthier: The more money you have, the more problems. Just buying a new product can multiply anxiety four times: First, you must debate whether you really need the product. Then you must decide on a brand, which means you have to read comparison literature, evaluate alternatives, and physically shop to find the product. Finally, you must haggle over price and agonize over how to finance the purchase. Even after you’ve acquired a product, you’ll be exasperated by breakdowns and the need for repairs.

The concern about financial matters starts with your first cry for someone to give you candy and continues until your last cry—for someone to give you oxygen. Since everyone has personal money problems, focusing hostility on financial matters is one of the best (and least controversial) ways to show the audience you share their problems.

I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy, though—I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? We got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”

—Kathleen Madigan

Business practices are more frequently becoming targets of financial hostility. But jokes about business practices actually direct hostility against two subjects at the same time: economics and authority.

The budget problems with Medicare and NASA could be solved if the country began firing the elderly into space.

—Al Franken

Financial humor targets are countless: Executive shenanigans, wages, taxes, investments, gambling, lottery awards, and credit cards are just a few.

My VISA card was stolen two months ago, but I don’t want to report it. The guy who took it is using it less than my wife.

—Johnny Carson

Family Affairs: Coming Home Soon

Hostility against family responsibilities, restrictions, and competing interests needs little explanation as a target of humor. Family members and household affairs like cleaning, paying bills, and cooking have all become popular targets.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

—Erma Bombeck

Children, especially teenagers and preteens, are common family targets. Parents are unburdening themselves wittily, even if they can’t do it in reality.

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble, as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

—Fran Lebowitz

And children are reciprocating, which means let’s give it to our saintly, gray-haired mother and revered father!

Mother’s Day card: "Mom, you’re the greatest. At least that’s what all the guys at the construction site say!"

Angst: The Ecstasy and the Agony

Angst is the intellectual observation that fairy tales aren’t true—that there is an unhappy end to every happy beginning. Angst has pointed a devil’s finger at anxieties so personal that, in the past, we carefully avoided discussing them even in private. A long list of such topics includes fear of death; coping with deformity; deprivations; and neurotic symptoms such as paranoia, insecurity, narcissism, and kinky sexual urges.

I look at the world in a realistic way. Some people say the glass is half full; other people say the glass is half empty. I look at the glass and say, “You know, if you fell on that it would shatter, and a shard of glass would cut your jugular, and you'd drown to death in a pool of your own gurgling blood.”

—Paul Provenza

Woody Allen popularized angst. “I merchandise misery,” he wrote. “When I named my movie Love and Death, the commercial possibilities were immediately apparent to me: sight gags and slapstick sequences about despair and emptiness; dialogue jokes about anguish and dread; finally, mortality, human suffering, anxiety. In short, the standard ploys of the funnyman.”

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by a few days.

—Garrison Keillor

Technology: Now Fear This

Charlie Chaplin exploited frustrations and fears about rapidly growing automation to make people laugh. It’s ironic that IBM once used his tramp character as an implied advertising testimonial for computers, because Chaplin’s character didn’t promote machines—he ridiculed them.

I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.

—Elvira Kurt

We are also worried about the software that runs the technology.

I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly.

Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Anytime you hit ‘A’ it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’”

Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.

—Daniel Tosh

The portability of today’s technology threatens our daily routines.

I’m not interested in watching TV on my phone in the same way I don’t want to take a shit in my oven.

—Mark Watson

The revelations that the National Security Agency monitors all forms of electronic communication caused anger and justified paranoia.

AT&T ruined my last relationship because I'd get bad reception.

My girlfriend would yell at me for it. “Hello? I can't hear you! What? What? Why don't you call me back when you can get a better signal?”

I was so scared of her. I'd apologize. “I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn't have been standing so far from away from the satellite. I'll try to get those coordinates from the CIA so I can cater to your every ridiculous request.”

—Tim Young

The sense of hopelessness that comes from our apparent inability to control the environment is now a universal hostility. Industrial chemicals can lead to pollution, drugs can lead to suicide, and the advertising drum beats for nonsensical fads. Humor may be our only rational way of coping with the fear of terrorism, an invasion of spooks from outer space, or the chemical mutation of our planet.

They asked John Glenn what he thought about just before his first capsule was shot into space, and he said: “I looked around me and suddenly realized that everything had been built by the lowest bidder.”

Group Differences: Us vs. Them

Mocking the beliefs or characteristics of social groups is one of humor’s most controversial subjects because it caters to our most primitive instincts—prejudice and insecurity. We hope to maintain some sense of superiority by ridiculing abnormal characteristics of others. We’re responding to a primitive form of group therapy.

Sophisticated people have retirement plans. Rednecks, on the other hand, play the lottery. That’s our plan. And when we hit the pick six, we’re going to add a room on to the trailer so we don’t have to sleep with Grandpa no more.

—Jeff Foxworthy

We fear control and intimidation by people of different colors or religions; and so, by derision, we attempt to stereotype their physical appearances, ethnic mannerisms, colloquial speech—any unique characteristic we find odd. We feel the same way about people with different social attitudes about drugs, sex, education, professions—even music, literature, and humor. As long as we’re in the majority, humor can criticize.

Do you know how the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

—Tim Bedore

Humor is often sin without conscience. (A conscience doesn’t prevent sin; it only prevents us from enjoying it.) It used to be the blue-collar whites that regurgitated the most hostile ethnic humor. Today comedians of all backgrounds are sensing both an increasing freedom for public humor and an increasing audience who’ll pay to hear it.

It’s time that African Americans and Korean Americans put aside their differences and focus on what’s really important: hating white people!

—Margaret Cho

The Writing Lab: This Drives Me Crazy

Sigmund Freud described depression as anger turned inward. Humor might be viewed as anger turned into profit. Hostility underlies humor, so tapping into your anger is an excellent tool for generating ideas for jokes (and it’s less expensive than therapy).

Make a list of people, things, and topics that you feel hostile about. Freely associate, don’t censor yourself, and write down why each target is frustrating. Exaggerate your emotional state to the point of being PO’d and fully vent your anger about the target. This exercise can narrow the focus of each target to a specific premise that will be a springboard for writing humor (not venting hot air!).

Realism: Raise Your Sites

The third component in the THREES formula for humor is realism. “Most good jokes state a bitter truth,” said scriptwriter Larry Gelbart. Without some fundamental basis of truth, there’s little with which the audience can associate. But jokes also bend the truth, and the challenge is to learn how to tell the truth (be realistic) while lying (exaggerating).

Since it appears that exaggeration is the logical antithesis of realism, it may seem ludicrous to have both within the framework of one piece of humor. But good humor is a paradox—the unexpected juxtaposition of the reasonable next to the unreasonable—and that creates surprise. Think of the combination of realism and exaggeration as an exercise in lateral thinking, a technique commonly used by business gurus to solve problems and generate new ideas. It’s defined as an interruption in the habitual thought process, a leap sideways out of ingrained patterns. Comedy has been doing this for thousands of years.

Soon four out of the last eight governors of Illinois will have ended up in jail. That's 50 percent. If you grow up in South Central L.A., you are said to have a one-in-three chance of ending up in prison. That's less than if you become governor of Illinois.

—John Oliver

The basic two-step in humor is to (a) state some common problem, frequently with a cliché, and (b) create an unexpected ending or surprise.

If you’ve never wanted to kill your mate, you’ve never been in love. If you’ve never held a box of rat poison in your hand and stared at it for a good long while, you’ve never been in love.

—Chris Rock

Incongruous humor, as you may remember from chapter two, is based on the premise of two or more realistic (but contrasting) circumstances united in one thought. Humorist Stephen Leacock wrote, “Humor results from the contrast between a thing as it is and ought to be, and a thing smashed out of shape, as it ought not to be.”

If the world is normal, then how come hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

—Robert Wuhl

Dorothy Parker once wrote, “The difference between wit and wisecracking is that wit has truth to it, while wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.” (That means realism fathers truisms, those witty bits of philosophy based upon self-evident and generally accepted facts of life.)

To entertain some people, all you have to do is listen. But there is nothing quite so annoying as having someone go on talking when you’re interrupting.

—Robert Orben

The value of realism becomes even more evident when you consider the humor of children. Their combination of truth and simplistic naïveté delights grown-ups because it gives us a feeling of benevolent superiority—if, as is said about benevolent dictatorship, there is such a thing.

A grandmother was babysitting her four-year-old granddaughter. They both had hazel eyes, so the grandmother proudly asked, Debbie, do you know where your eyes came from?”

The child thought for a moment and answered, “Yes, Grandma, they came with my head.”

To be most effective, the “facts” of humor should be logical—the relationship between people should be clear and predictable, the time and the locale of the story should be familiar, the hostility should be common to all the audience members and commensurate to the irritation. Major deviations from reality don’t prevent humor, but they may reduce the payoff of uninhibited laughter. In essence, then, humor should be as realistic as possible.

A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.

—David Letterman

Exaggeration: Talking Up a Storm

We’ve already begun discussing exaggeration, the fourth element in the THREES formula for humor. How does realism relate to exaggeration? As we accept poetic license, let’s accept a humor license that grants permission to expand on realistic themes with soaring imagination and unabashed metaphors. Audiences rarely counter a joke that the performer has made personal with an admonition “You don’t expect me to believe that?”

I saw this today in the window of Victoria's Secret: a camouflage thong. On what battlefield are you finding it necessary to disguise yourself as shrubbery with a great ass?

—Bill Santiago

Only for humor is the public willing to suspend disbelief and skepticism. We permit humorists to utilize hyperbole, blatant distortion, and overstated figures that signal (since the absurd subject matter can’t possibly be true): Hey, it’s only a joke. Therefore, the audience laughs at exaggerated banana-peel acrobatics because the clown will certainly get up. That’s comedy! If he doesn’t get up, that’s tragedy!

Humor is tragedy plus time.

—Mark Twain

An example of the likely next to the unlikely is the classic story about the newspaper that ran two photos: one of a gray-haired matron who’d just been elected president of the local Women’s Republican Club and the other of a gorilla who was a new addition to the local zoo—but the captions got switched. That’s likely. The second stage of the humor comes from the unlikely: The newspaper got sued for defamation—by the gorilla!

Emotion: Burst the Bubble

The fifth element in the THREES formula is emotion. Hostility, over- or understated, is not enough. There must be a buildup of anticipation in the reader or audience. This is really nothing more than the writer’s skill in using emotion to produce tension and anxiety. It’s a trick. Think of hostility as an inflated balloon. When you create tension in your audience, you are effectively adding more and more air to that balloon, building the audience’s anticipation over when the balloon will burst. They can hardly keep their eyes off the stunt. The writer’s goal is to see that the balloon bursts with laughter, not hot air.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

—James Thurber

Surprise: Nobody Knows the Stumbles I’ve Seen

The final element in the THREES formula is surprise. In the previous chapter, we discussed surprise as one of the primary reasons people laugh. It’s no wonder then that it’s also one of the primary building blocks for a successful joke. Charlie Chaplin defined surprise in terms of a film scene in which the villain is chasing the heroine down the street. On the sidewalk is a banana peel. The camera cuts swiftly back and forth from the banana peel to the approaching villain. At the last second, the villain sees the banana peel and jumps over it—and then falls into an open manhole.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

—Charlie Chaplin

“Comedy is mentally pulling the rug out from under each person in your audience,” wrote Gene Perret. “But first, you have to get them to stand on it. You have to fool them, because if they see you preparing to tug on the rug, they’ll move.”

The Writing Lab: Threes in Action

Let’s see how the entire THREES formula (target, hostility, realism, exaggeration, emotion, and a surprise ending) works in a story. Identify which parts of the story below correspond with each component of the THREES formula. (At the end of the story, you can rate your answers).

An elderly truck driver was eating lunch at a roadside diner when three shaggy young hoodlums, sporting black leather jackets garishly decorated with swastikas, skulls, and crossbones, parked their motorcycles and came inside. They spotted the truck driver and proceeded to taunt him, taking his food away, pushing him off the seat, and insulting his old age. He said nothing, but finally got up from the floor, paid his bill, and walked out.

One of the bikers, unhappy that they hadn’t provoked a fight, said to the waitress, “Boy, he sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?”

“No,” said the waitress, looking out the window, “and he’s not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!”

Did the THREES formula work for the above story? Yes, because the humor contained each of the major components.

T = Target: The hoodlums, carefully described.

H = Hostility: The story exploits public frustration at the escalation of juvenile crime.

R = Realism: There’s little doubt that the aggressive actions of the bikers could happen.

E = Exaggeration: One motorcyclist would have worked, but an element of exaggeration is achieved by including three. Their crude behavior is exemplified not just once, but with three incidents of hostile action. Exaggeration is also present in the truck driver’s final action—not a simple thing to do quickly.

E = Emotion: The joke is carefully written to squeeze out every drop of audience hostility: the stereotypical fascist appearance of the bikers, their childish aggression meant only to provoke a fight with an outnumbered, aged opponent. We even feel disappointment when the truck driver appears—for a moment—to be a coward.

S = Surprise: The climax of the story is withheld until the last two words.

Recap

The proper selection of humor targets is perhaps the most critical factor for writing commercially successful humor. Your material will be DOA unless others can vicariously share, or at least care about, your experiences. You can avoid myopic writing by following your comedic MAPP and the THREES formula. Use your precious time preparing the right material for the right performer, to be delivered to the right audience, for the right purpose.

Part Two

Humor Writing Techniques

Chapter 4

POW: Play on Words

Even the gods love jokes.

—Plato

A joke can be plain silly, playful, or stupid. But, a joke can be much more than something fun or funny—it can be a weapon, hemlock, a dagger to the heart, or the ultimate revenge. When you appreciate that a joke can be much more than a joke, you’ll understand why professional writers obsess about getting it just right.

Two-word joke: “dwarf shortage.” If you’re offended, grow up.

—Jimmy Carr

A television documentary hosted by Lewis Black, History of the Joke, explored the evolution of the joke. All of the interviewed comedians agreed that the basic joke structure has always been a story, usually a very brief story, with two parts. The first part, the setup, sets the stage. The second half, the punch line, provides an unexpected ending. It’s the surprising conclusion that causes laughter.

The state of Vermont is reporting an increase in its number of nudists, which explains the popularity of Ben & Jerry’s newest flavor, “Saggy Pecans.”

—Conan O’Brien

Where do jokes come from? Well, funny things do happen to us every once in a while. If we’re extroverts, we dramatically recount the bizarre experiences with exaggerated overtones. We get laughs. And we think we’re funny.

But professional humorists can’t wait for absurd things to happen. They have to produce every day. Two popular ways of doing this are by revamping old material and by creating new humor from ideas sparked by local, national, or world news.

As a beginner, you can’t depend on joke files even if you have a copy of every joke book written—and dozens of new ones come out every year. Other comics’ jokes will rarely fit you. You have to subscribe to the second method: creating jokes from scratch. You start by watching the antics of people in public, on television, and in films, and you read about them in news stories. You imagine what-if situations, and you play with words.

I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they’re having a helluva time, don’t they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who’s watching, but what if he’s not there?

—Chelsea Handler

The Chemistry of Jokes

Let’s digress and take you back to an unhappy time in your life: high school chemistry. Just the mention of the subject probably reminded you of a bitter, middle-aged chemistry teacher, a roomful of weird equipment, and a bunch of dorky teenagers wearing freaky-looking goggles. You might remember some chemistry terms, and it’s those concepts we will use to explain the chemistry of humor writing. (If we abuse chemistry principles to make this metaphor work, please note that in high school chemistry we both got Ds.)

I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.

Chemistry is the study of the composition, properties, and behavior of matter—humor writing is the study of the composition, properties, and behavior of funny. The atoms, or basic units, of humor writing are words. (The subatomic structures are letters or sounds.) These comedic atoms (words) form the elements known as jokes. Although there is no universally accepted periodic table for humor, jokes can be roughly classified into general categories. In Part Two, we will identify and explain the major joke formats.

The elements of comedy, jokes, can be combined for various purposes. Humor compounds can range from a humorous text message to a stand-up comedy routine. The various compounds, or applications of humor, are discussed in Part Three.

And like high school chemistry, there are safety rules for using humor. In Part One, we discussed the importance of MAPPing and targeting humor. Those safety guidelines will be revisited as we teach you how to create comedic compounds—if you don't put the materials together properly, you will, as they say in the business, bomb.

POW: Play on Words

The majority of all humor is based on plays on words (POWs). The POW acronym is reminiscent of a sound effect in superhero comics, and a POW does pack a punch—and a punch line. A POW is a twist on a familiar cliché; aphorism; book, movie, or song title; famous quote; national ad slogan—in fact, any expression widely known by the public. It can make use of double entendres, homonyms, or puns. A humorist twist to the aphorism The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is:

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

—Roseanne Barr

Unlike slapstick humor (which is strictly physical and therefore appeals across cultural and linguistic boundaries), the success of written and performed comedy based on POWs depends on the performer’s mannerisms and inflections and the audience’s knowledge of the nuances of the language. Punch lines in one language are rarely effective in another.

They don't get the philosophy jokes in Alabama. They think Descartes is the thing you put before de-horse.

—Mike Dugan

The POW is a device used by all humor writers, and any successful work of humor will contain a significant number of POWs. Plays on words are the basis of practically all puns, limericks, and clever witticisms. They run the gamut from childish idioms to erudite double entendres. Writing POW comedy lines is as second nature for humorists as tying their shoelaces.

A common misperception is that plays on words are old-school humor. But while POW humor may be considered classic, it isn’t stale. The successful Austin Powers movies relied heavily on POWs for character names like Alotta Fagina and Random Task (spoofs of Goldfinger’s Pussy Galore and Oddjob), Fook Mi, Fook Yu, and Robin Spitz Swallows. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, wrote the multi-Tony Award-winning play, The Book of Mormon, relying heavily on POW, including a running gag using the word clitoris. And Kmart’s highly successful ad campaign used POW phrases like “Ship My Pants” and “Big Gas Savings.”

In this chapter, we’ll explain various POW techniques, including funny words, double entendres, malapropisms, and oxymorons. Other POW usages, such as the simple-truth and takeoff techniques, are described in the next chapter.

Words: The Atoms of Humor

In his play The Sunshine Boys, Neil Simon wrote about funny words. One of the main characters, Willy, says this to his nephew:

Fifty-seven years in this business, you learn a few things. You know what makes an audience laugh. You know what words are funny and which words are not funny. Alka-Seltzer is funny. You say “Alka-Seltzer” you get a laugh … Words with “K” in them are funny. Casey Stengel, that’s a funny name. Robert Taylor is not funny. Cupcake is funny. Tomato is not funny. Cookie is funny. Cucumber is funny. Car keys. Cleveland … Cleveland is funny. Maryland is not funny. Then, there’s chicken. Chicken is funny. Pickle is funny.

Mel Brooks agrees that there are phonetic values in certain words that almost guarantee a laugh. “Instead of saying salmon, turkey is a funnier sound. It just helps.”

Why is the k sound funny? Research indicates that babies associate the sound with comfort and joy. Think of many of the words we coo to babies, and you’ll notice they have a k sound, even though most of them begin with the letter c. Just a few are cutie, cookie, kitten, cuddle, car, come, count, kiddie, clean, and cupcake. No other sound has such a universal humor kick. As you say, “kiss,” for example, your mouth smiles, it doesn’t pucker up.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

—John Mendoza

There are thousands of funny words that kick over the laugh motor. Unlike a key word that comes at the end of a sentence, funny words work best in the middle of a joke and are frequently used in groups, as a list of names, foods, or physical activities.

“Daddy, what's a pronoun?”

“I don't know, a noun that gets paid?”

“What's a synonym?”

“A bun.”

“What's a homonym?”

“A gay nym.”

—Rich Vos

All writers have their own favorite “buzz” words, and they’re jealous of them, even to the point of uncontrolled anger when someone else uses them. Fortunately, these words are not private property.

Names

Every ethnic group has names that encourage a smile. Sometimes it’s because the name is sounds funny—Guido, Soupy, Gaylord, Pepe, or Pixie. Often the name is funny because it matches our stereotypical expectations. Would you expect Hans to be a Latino, German, or Italian? What about Jose? Or Tony Soprano?

Most male comedians purposefully take short names, more often than not a nickname: Jimmy, C.K., Arj, Aziz, Kevin, Jeff, Chris, Dave, Jay, Billy, and Sinbad. Female humorists names are just as short: Ellen, Amy, Lena, Lucy, Whoopi, Rita, and Tina.

Donald Trump said he named his daughter Tiffany after his favorite store: Tiffany’s. How ridiculous is that? In fact, I was just talking about that with my two sons, Crate and Barrel.

—Shawn Dion

Was it only a coincidence that Jack Roy (nee Jacob Cohen) gained fame and respect only after he changed his name to Rodney Dangerfield? Or that the Marx Brothers’ act went into high gear when Julius became Groucho and his brothers Leonard and Adolph became Chico and Harpo? Zero Mostel’s real name was Sam. He said he changed it to Zero so he could make something out of nothing.

Cities and Places

There seems to be no limit to the names of cities, small towns, street names, local restaurants, bars, hotels, colleges, and department stores that can be used as humor fuses. The more localized they are, the better.

America. The smaller the town, the bigger the people.

—Stewart Francis

Years ago, such expressions as “How will it play in Oshkosh?” or “You couldn’t even make it in Paducah!” were terms for funny hick towns. Today, because a large portion of comedy still originates in New York, no state seems to be a target more often than New Jersey.

A survey says that people from New Jersey are sick and tired of being asked about the TV show Jersey Shore. They would rather go back to the old Jersey question, “What’s that horrible smell?”

—Jay Leno

For the same reason, no borough gets kidded more often than Brooklyn. Sheboygan is a funny name, and no city is the butt of more jokes than Cleveland (either because of the k sound or because Cleveland is proof that God had a quality control problem!).

Foods and Products

Many generic and brand food products just sound funny: tutti-frutti, frankfurter, kumquats, Whopper, Chock Full o’Nuts, Whoopie Pie, and Krispy Kreme.

I hate false advertising, like “Skittles: taste the rainbow.” No, one's ever been like, “Rainbow, right you guys?” Or what's Reese's? “There's no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.” Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

—Amy Schumer

Perhaps the funniest, at least the most infamous, food product is Spam. Monty Python performed a several minute sketch set in a diner with Spam featured in every meal choice. Eventually Vikings appeared and started singing, “Spam, lovely Spam, wonderful Spam.” The hugely popular sketch prompted cast member Eric Idle to name his Broadway musical, Spamalot.

There are also many products with funny-sounding names like Ex-Lax, Kotex, Spic and Span, and Piggly Wiggly.

I got a rental car, and they gave me a Daewoo. Daewoo: That's Korean for “Just walk.”

—Karen Rontowski

Wineries have embraced using funny product names including Ball Buster, BigAss Red, (Oops), Bitch, Arrogant Frog, and FAT Bastard.

Ethnic Expressions

While ethnic jokes are a major category in contemporary humor, the use of an ethnic expression requires precise knowledge of its meaning and cadence. For example, many comedians use the Yiddish word schmuck to describe a loser and do not realize that the word’s literal meaning is penis.

When Jewish comedians dominated mainstream American society, Yiddish expressions retained a humor value because the words sound funnier than English counterparts. For example, bar mitzvah sounded funnier than confirmation, and rabbi, because of stereotyping, conjured up more humorous possibilities than the title of minister. The following are common Yiddish words: putz, klutz, schlemiel, shtick, chutzpah, goyim, schlep, kvetch, and meshuggener.

Closely allied in humor with Yiddish expressions are German names and foods, probably because a good deal of Yiddish originated from German. When the monster makes love to Madeline Kahn in Mel Brooks’s Young Frankenstein film, he thrills her with his enormous “shvantzenstucker.” And Sid Caesar’s stupid German professors had names like Kurt von Stuffer, Siegfried von Sedative, and Rudolf von Rudder.

Animals

Certain animals convey funny images. Puppies, cats, mice, and rabbits also have double entendre associations.

Raccoons have too much self-confidence. Look at the way they dress—that is way too much for the forest: big fur jumpsuit, the black driving gloves, the striped tail, little sunglasses. Come on, raccoon, what you trying to prove, man?

—Tony Woods

For some reason, we like to assign funny names to our pets and wild animals.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

—Robert Schimmel

Numbers

Even some numbers are funnier than others, and we’re not just talking about sixty-nine. In humor, the economy of words is almost fanatical. There is one exception and that is when numbers are used. If they’re essential in the joke, when we want to give them extra power, they must sound or look important. The number 1,500 should be pronounced (or written) as one thousand, five hundred. The time of 8:15 should be pronounced (or written) as a quarter after eight. The height of 6'2" should be pronounced (or written) six-foot, two inches tall. Every syllable must be a particle of meaning as well as information.

I come from a very large family—nine parents.

—Jim Gaffigan

Reforming: The Atom Smasher

Humorists are chemists and sometimes have to modify words to fit their needs. An invaluable POW technique, reforming is the process of altering a word or expression to arrive at a twist that cleverly changes the point of view. There are several ways to use reforming.

Reforming is often used for creating funny names. Jonathan Winters’ characters had names like Granny Frickert, Melvin Gohard, Lamargene Gumbody, and Elwood P. Suggins. S.J. Perelman, the master of humorous appellations, invented Professor Motley Throng, Ernest Void, Irma Voltaire, the Flagellation Trust Company, and the Cutlass and Blintzes Pub. The residents of The Simpsons hometown, Springfield, include Aristotle Amadopolis, Boobarella, Judge Constance Harm, Itchy and Scratchy, and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

During a segment of The Colbert Report known as “The Word,” Stephen Colbert introduced a new, reformed word, truthiness. Colbert defined it as “truth that comes from the gut, not books.” The word became a key component of his satirical pieces, and he created a “Latin” version, Veritasiness. Colbert’s POW was selected as the Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society and truthiness was later added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

Words can also be reformed by replacing one or two letters in order to achieve a surprise turn of phrase. The reformulated word will most likely be a homonym or a rhyming variation. The results can be puns such as this tire ad: “We skid you not,” or restaurant names like: Wok ‘N Roll, Mustard’s Last Stand, Blazing Salads, and Aesop’s Tables.

What does the word meteorologist mean in English? It means liar.

—Lewis Black

Another simple way to reform is to use a homonym, a similar sounding word, often with a double entendre interpretation. As children, our first cloakroom exercises in homonym humor were originating book titles with off-color names of authors:

The Yellow Stream by I.P. Standing

The Open Kimono by Semour Hare

The Hawaiian Prostitute by Wanna Layahora

In skits and humorous short stories, authors will frequently reconstruct homonyms into character names. Consider the credits listing from the PBS radio show Car Talk.

Fashion Consultant: Natalie Attired

Lighting Expert: Shanda Lear

Receptionist: Sedona Tush

Staff Cook: Al Dente

George Carlin was perhaps the most serious and prolific linguist in comedy history. In Carlin’s best-selling books, POW and reforming accounted for a large percentage of the humor including the following examples:

Favorite Redundancies

Added bonus

Exactly right

Sum total

Unnecessary Words

Free of Charge

Blue in Color

Ferryboat

Punk Bands I Have Known

Harmony Sucks

Clots on the Move

Waitress Sweat

The Writing Lab: Reforming

Many newspapers, magazines, and websites hold POW contests in which readers select any word from a standard dictionary; change, add, or delete only one letter; and then provide a new definition. (This type of construction, popularized in books by Rich Hall, is often called a “sniglet.”)

Here are some submissions from the Washington Post’s contest (without accompanying definitions). Change, add, or delete one letter in each of the following words, then write a definition for the new word. (The reformed words and definitions originally submitted by Washington Post readers are listed at the end of the chapter.)

foreplay

sarcasm

inoculate

hepatitis

libido

ignoramus

The Double Entendre: Away With Words

Double entendre is the French term for an ambiguous word or phrase that allows for a second—usually spicy—interpretation. Double entendres are a significant part of POW humor because they’re so easy to construct. Consider these names and slogans.

Tennis store advertisement: What’s Your Racquet?

Sign over urinal: Look before you leak.

Art supplies advertisement: Honest, I Was Framed!

The logic behind double entendre humor is as basic as its English translation: two meanings. The audience assumes one meaning; the comic sneaks in another.

Irving made a lot of money one year in the garment business and decided to buy a racehorse. One day he brought all his friends to the stable as the vet was laboriously working on the horse.

“Is my horse sick?” asked Irving.

“She’s not the picture of health,” said the vet, “but we’ll pull her through.”

“Will I ever be able to race her?”

“Chances are you will—and you’ll probably beat her, too!”

—Myron Cohen

In the above example, the success of the joke relies on the double interpretation of the word race. Irving wants to know if the horse will be able to race other horses. The vet comments that Irving himself would win a race against the horse.

Three of the four words in the expression wire ahead for reservations have multiple meanings. (This phrase has been replaced in common usage by call ahead for reservations, but most people would still instinctively understand its meaning.) By imagining what if scenarios and performing mental calisthenics, the humor writer can recast this common phrase with double entendres.

The Sioux tribe sent one of their brightest young men to engineering school. After graduating, he returned home and was immediately assigned to install electric lights in all the latrines, so he became famous for being the first Indian to wire ahead for reservations.

As new expressions come into the vernacular, the professional humor writer looks for every opportunity to play around with words—the most socially acceptable form of playing around.

We call our maid a commercial cleaner, because she cleans only during commercials.

The Oscar-winning movie, Silence of the Lambs, concluded with a double entendre. The last lines spoken by the cannibalistic serial killer, Hannibal Lecter, as he was about to kill another victim, is a classic use of POW: “I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye.”

Everybody’s Doin’ It

The most popular double entendre is the word it, which can be used to mean a hundred different things, but is used most often in humor as a synonym for intercourse. For example, Librarians do it with books, or Lawyers do it in their briefs.

MC, after bombing with a sexist joke: Boy, am I going to get it when I get home. Or maybe I’m not going to get it when I get home.

The second most common double entendre is the word in, which also has an obvious sexual connotation.

“Isn’t it great to be in June?”

“Yes, but her sister, Barbara, was even better.”

The second meaning of the key word or phrase of a double entendre does not have to be racy or sexual.

He was a millionaire golfer, so he used his chauffeur as his driver.

Everybody Shouldn’t Do It

Many funny double entendres are made up of words that have a sexual connotation. There are endless possibilities—all obvious. Through frequent use, some double entendres that were originally shocking—such as he sucks—have become acceptable. But sometimes, a play on the double meaning of a word can lead to powerful spontaneous humor, as illustrated by a classic interview on The Tonight Show.

Zsa Zsa Gabor appeared as a guest while holding one of her prized felines. As she was sitting there, she suddenly turned to Johnny Carson and asked, “Would you like to pet my pussy?”

“Sure,” said Carson, “but first move the cat.”

Suggestive double entendres appear frequently in literature, movies, and TV shows. Charlie Bates, a Dickens character in Oliver Twist, was often referred to as Master Bates. The name of a female character teasing James Bond in Goldfinger was Pussy Galore. As Marge of The Simpsons was boarding a ship full of sailors, Smithers said, “I think seamen and women don’t mix.”

Given the abundance of double entendres with sexual connotations, beginning humor writers often abuse them through overuse. The professional humorist recognizes that the problem is not to find them but avoid them. They’re just too easy a joke. Many audiences think they are adolescent and cheap—a sign of an amateur. As humor vehicles, double entendres are best used for practice, as illustrated in the next section.

The Writing Lab: Do It

As a warm-up exercise, let’s do it: Practice the art of double entendres with the word it. Complete the following sentences, then compare your responses to those at the end of the chapter.

Comedians do it …

Dancers do it …

Bankers do it …

Math teachers do it …

Publishers do it …

Carpet layers do it …

Bowlers do it …

Chemists do it …

Historians do it …

Flutists do it …

Malaprops: An Error of Their Weighs

A malaprop (sometimes called a “malapropism”) is an unintentional misstatement or misuse of a word or phrase, or an accidental substitution of an incorrect word for a (similar) correct one—to humorous effect. These examples of twisted language only qualify as malaprops if the person speaking them is unaware (or appears to be unaware) of the mistake. Malaprops were the staple of George Burns and Gracie Allen’s comedic act for more than thirty years and were used abundantly by various sitcom characters from Joey of Friends to Penny of The Big Bang Theory. Today entertainment columns are good sources of celebrity witticisms-turned-malaprops. Publicity agents, when they can’t find something positive to say about their clients, create modified clichés that turn into malaprops. Movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn was quoted in the entertainment columns so often with examples of mistaken grammar that a malaprop became known as a Goldwynism.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.

Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named William.

Include me out.

Baseball managers Casey Stengel and Yogi Berra were credited with malaprops that cemented their immortality in reference books.

You wouldn’t have won if we had.

—Yogi Berra

If people don’t want to come to the ballpark, nobody can stop them.

—Casey Stengel

That restaurant is so popular, nobody goes there anymore.

—Yogi Berra

Humorists bless the politicians who make their job easy by fracturing the English language. Former President George W. Bush’s habit of misspeaking spawned several books’ worth of malaprops known as Bushisms. They included:

It will take time to restore chaos and order.

They misunderestimated me.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning.

The writers for the sitcom classic, All in the Family, intentionally used malaprops. By ridiculing Archie Bunker’s habit of mangling English, we felt superior, so we laughed.

A witness shall not bear falsies against thy neighbor.

The Bible, if ya read it you'd know. It's right in the beginning there, in the Book of Generous.

What do I look like, an inferior decorator?

Teachers like to collect and publish student spelling and usage errors. Perhaps it’s some compensation for the daily pain they must bear without baring. While these typos are more often a result of ignorance, humor writers are inspired by the double entendres and malapropos crafted by a fool. The following are examples of student gaffes:

One of Rome’s early victories came against the Samsonsites.

We, all humidity, are the people of currant time.

The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers.

Another common source of twisted language is autocorrect. The usual culprit is a smartphone’s autocorrect feature but the spell-checker software of any program can create malapropos. Mistakes are so common that there are websites cataloging typing errors. The following examples are from the appropriately named damnyouautocorrect.com.

Texter A: “What time is the meeting? 9 or 930?”

Texter B: “Boner”

Texter B: “Stupid auto correct!”

Texter B: “Niner”

Texter A: “Oh good! I mean not good that you have allergies but good that the nose is better. I have a whole box of slavery with your name on it.”

Texter A: “Oh my god.”

Texter A: “I tried to type Alavert and iPhone puts slavery in there”

Texter A: “Sry I was teething”

Texter B: “Teething?”

Texter A: “Dang it, I meant tweeting. Stupid auto correct”

The Writing Lab: Malaprops

Most malaprops occur accidentally. The humorist intentionally uses incorrect words for comedic effect. Look at each of the following sentences and replace the bold word with an intentional error. Compare your malaprops to the ones at the end of the chapter.

He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

We go window shopping at Christmas.

Having one wife is called monogamy.

The flood damage was so bad they had to evacuate the city.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Good punctuality means not to be late.

Oxymorons: Pretty Ugly

Another category of incongruous expressions goes by the suggestive name of oxymoron—an oxymoron is a contradiction in terms that provides a gold mine of humor material, particularly for greeting cards and T-shirt copy. Consider the following:

fast idle

loud whisper

genuine fake

wickedly good

near miss

almost pregnant

explicit innuendo

maxi thins

painless torture

valuable junk

jumbo shrimp

true lies

same difference

devilish angel

A Barrel of Pun

A pun is created from the intentional confusion of similar-sounding words or phrases. Puns, which overlap with double entendres, can be used as the basis for a joke or to reform a word or expression. They work better when spoken or heard than they do in print, because the ear transmits to the mind the most familiar interpretation of each word. (Actually, here is one of the most popular words to use, because it can sound like hear, hair, and hare: An adolescent rabbit is a pubic hare. Hair today, gone tomorrow.)

Puns are very versatile and can be used in a number of formats. They can take the form of riddles.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?

They are always stuffed!

How do you fix a broken tomato?

With tomato paste.

Why are playing cards like wolves?

They come in packs.

Or they can be simple quips.

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop him a line.

The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.

He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

Puns can also be used to create “daffy definitions.”

Fahrenheit: A moderately tall person.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Most puns are obvious, often lame, and have limited marketability. Like suggestive double entendres, puns are best used for the pun of it instead of on porpoise.

The Writing Lab: Everyday POW

Words are the instruments of humorists, and mastering the subtleties of language is a necessary step to becoming a successful humor writer. Use the following exercises to practice your POWs.

Search a dictionary for ten words that you do not know the definitions for. Don’t look at the definitions! Create a logical but whimsical definition for each word.

Find clichés, proverbs, or common phrases that relate to the potential humor targets you identified in the last chapter. Compile a list of ten items. Using the techniques described in this chapter, reform the clichés into jokes by changing the original ending or adding on to the phrase.

Writing humor starts with an audience of one. If your goal is to write commercially successful humor, you must expand your audience. To begin testing your writing, use social media to showcase your material. Instead of relying on the words of others, you can punch up your text messages, tweets, and postings using the exercises you just completed.

Use your fictitious definitions for a “word of the day.”

Attribute your reformed clichés to a celebrity to create a “quote of the day.”

Reform famous quotations and credit new authors for the quotes. For example, transform Freud’s famous line "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" to a Bill Clinton quote: "Sometimes a cigar is more than a cigar."

Create a series of fictitious names (I. M. Sane, Anita Prozac) to use as the authors of your clichés, definitions, or quotes.

The Writing Lab: Answers

Here are the Washington Post reader submissions that correspond with The Writing Lab: Reforming activity.

foreply: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

inoculate: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

glibido: All talk and no action.

ignoranus: A person who’s stupid and an asshole.

Here are some possible answers for The Writing Lab: Do It exercises.

Comedians do it standing up.

Dancers do it to music.

Bankers do it with interest.

Math teachers do it with unknowns.

Publishers do it by the book.

Carpet layers do it on their knees.

Bowlers do it with balls.

Chemists do it periodically on the table.

Historians do it repeatedly.

Flutists do it sideways.

Here are possible answers for The Writing Lab: Malaprops setups.

He’s a wolf in cheap clothing.

We go widow shopping at Christmas.

Having one wife is called monotony.

The flood damage was so bad they had to evaporate the city.

A rolling stone gathers no moths.

Good punctuation means not to be late.

Recap

Humorists are wordsmiths. They obsess about how words sound, skillfully select words, and if the words aren’t just right, they will reform them. Humorists constantly play with words to maximize the funny.

A significant portion of humor includes some form of POW. In fact, the most famous and acclaimed comedy routine, Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First,” is based entirely on POW. To be a successful humor writer, POW is a skill that needs to be constantly practiced and refined.

Chapter 5

More POW: The Simple Truth and the Takeoff

I walked into Target, but I missed.

—Mitch Hedberg

A cliché is an expression that was clever once but has lost its original impact through overuse.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

There’s no such thing as a stupid question.

Clichés are used frequently and indiscriminately. They are sprinkled liberally into conversations, e-mails, speeches, and (unfortunately) too many literary efforts. Clichés are shortcuts to comprehension we use when creatively lazy or mentally bankrupt. That said, the humor writer can use audacious and surprising interpretations of clichés to shock an audience into laughter.

I’ve heard that dogs are man’s best friend. That explains where men are getting their hygiene tips.

—Kelly Maguire

When life gets you down, make a comforter.

—Bo Burnham

Clichés are perfect launch vehicles for the neophyte humor writer because one-liners are the most salable humor form today. Simple cliché humor can be put to immediate use in a wide variety of formats, including photo and cartoon captions, greeting cards, news and advertising headlines, monologues and speeches, and titles of Web pages, books, and articles.

Frequently a cliché is used to set the audience’s train of thought in motion—so the humorist can derail it. Since the ending phrase of a cliché is predictable, the audience’s thoughts head in a predictable direction. The key word here is predictable.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

—Rodney Dangerfield

The easiest way to achieve surprise is to use a vehicle that takes the audience for a ride in a predictable direction—a direction you will change at the last possible moment. It’s a last-second switch in the anticipated verbal conclusion. The result is surprise, which produces laughter, the payoff of all comedic effort.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "And what the hell are you doing with your life?"

—Demetri Martin

In this chapter, we’ll use the simple truth and takeoff to alter a cliché so that its final direction surprises the reader or listener. Let’s examine the logic and construction behind each of these two techniques.

The Simple Truth: The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

Many English phrases, expressions, and clichés are idiomatic, which means they can’t be taken literally: I got up on the wrong side of the bed; I had a change of heart. Other phrases and expressions are understood within a context of logical assumptions. When you tell someone you are getting your hair cut, it’s logical for them to assume you mean hair in the plural sense, not the singular.

Grandchild: "Grandpa, I love running my fingers through your hairs."

The simple truth is a technique for creating humor by considering the implications of the literal meaning of such expressions—without their context of logical assumptions. The simple truth is just that—simple and true. By taking the literal meaning of a key word, you surprise the audience members who have automatically interpreted the cliché with its traditional meaning.

The simple truth makes logic illogical. It’s commonly referred to as the “Call me a taxi” or “Call me a doctor” formula. (“Call me a taxi.” “Okay, you’re a taxi”; or, “Call me a doctor.” “Why? Are you sick?” “No, I just graduated from med school.”)

I was trying to get back to my original weight—seven pounds, three ounces.

—Cheril Vendetti

I can't smell mothballs because it's so difficult to get their little legs apart.

—Steve Martin

Battered women: sounds delicious, doesn't make it right.

—B. J. Novak

The success of a simple truth depends on an almost childlike comprehension. One of the ways to understand this technique is to think like a child.

A six-year-old asked her mother: “Ma. Tell me the truth. Where did I come from?”

The flustered mother thought, Must I really start explaining the details of sexual reproduction already? So she asked, “Tell me, Debbie, why do you want to know?”

And Debbie said, “Cause the kid next door said he came from Detroit. I wanna know where I come from.”

A childish riddle can be based on a simple truth.

“I bet you I can say the capitals of all fifty states in less than thirty seconds.”

“Impossible. It’s a bet. Ready, set, go!”

“Okay. The capitals of all fifty states in less than thirty seconds.”

“I said it. You lose!”

As our sense of humor matures, simple-truth techniques permit an entire series of formula jokes.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

—Dennis Miller

I was very lucky I married "the one." On a scale of one to ten, he was the one.

—Mary Bourke

I'm constipated and I couldn't give a shit.

—Bo Burnham

George Carlin, who famously used the simple truth in his books and monologues, examined words closely for incongruous variations.

How come my book of free verse costs twelve dollars?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Why don’t they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Because the simple truth is so juvenile, it’s frequently denigrated as a smart-ass remark (which used to be called “smart-aleck” until they discovered that Aleck had nothing to do with it).

Last night, I had sex with my old girlfriend—not my ex-girlfriend, mind you, my old girlfriend. She's 72, 73, something like that.

—Dan Naturman

The simple truth can also be effective in physical comedy. In several Mel Brooks movies and in his Broadway musical The Producers, the hero and his cohorts ask the heroine, “How do we get there?” And the beautiful hostess says, “Walk this way.” Then she swishes and sways across the set and the men imitate her feminine walk.

Simple-Truth Construction: It Ain’t Simple

On the surface, the mechanics of the simple truth seem easy to understand and structure, and therein lies the danger. To create a simple truth, reexamine every major word in a phrase, reject its most common meaning within its context, and reinterpret it literally. This is not a simple task.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

—Tommy Cooper

When I got divorced, I missed my husband, but I’m getting to be a better shot.

—Sheila Kay

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I go out through the window.

—Stephen Wright

Let’s take a peek under the comedy tent to see how the simple truth works. Remember that the goal is to create the element of surprise.

I like a girl with a head on her shoulders. No neck!

Try not to be restricted by the logic of the original idea. Comedy writers are not philosophers. In the simple truth, we are linguistic specialists concerned with exactly what the literal logic of a word conveys. You might try to visualize a phrase or cliché to help you get past the standard interpretation. If you visualize a girl with a head on her shoulders, you can see that what’s missing is her neck.

Once you’ve spotted the simple-truth potential in a phrase or cliché, you may come up with a variety of related punch lines.

I like a girl with a head on her shoulders, because I hate necks.

—Steve Martin

Let’s illustrate the construction of a simple truth by examining the double entendre possibilities of the word join. Join has three possible definitions: (a) to cooperate, to become a member, to enlist; (b) to unite, to bring together, to touch; and (c) to argue, to quarrel, to engage in battle. In humor writing, the choice is always up to you.

When a friend asks, “Will you join me?” the obvious understanding is that he’s using the first definition (“to get together”). But if you base your answer on the second definition (“uniting”), your reply can create humor by surprise: “Why, are you coming apart?”

If, on the other hand, you’re asked, “Please join me in a cup of coffee,” the incongruity of the first definition allows you to respond, “Only if there’s enough room in the cup.”

The following examples play on the multiple meanings of the word nurse.

I majored in nursing. I had to drop it. I ran out of milk.

—Judy Tenuta

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

—Emo Philips

Such elementary simple-truth jokes will always get a physical reaction: either a laugh or—more likely—a kick in the pants. In any case, remember that one of the rewards of humor is attention and that people will admire your courage (maybe).

In a basic simple-truth construction, the first part of the sentence or paragraph is a cliché. The second part (the punch line) is an unexpected interpretation because it is realistically literal.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning.

—Jimmy Carr

My grandfather was shrewd. People threw small mammals at him till he suffocated.

—Alex Horne

I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.

—B. J. Novak

With practice, your ear will find countless opportunities to make humor using the simple truth.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

—Woody Allen

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying under another man.

—Doug Benson

My career advisor told me that I'd never get anywhere staring into space all the time. I had the last laugh when I got a job as an astronomer.

—Tony Cowards

Remember that reading about joke construction is easy, but creating original humor material using these methods is not. You must find the perfect construction—and that’s difficult.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

—Tommy Cooper

The proper setup for a simple-truth joke is essential. If someone asked you, “Can you tell me how long to milk a cow?” a humorous simple-truth response would not be obvious. But if you reword the question to “Can you tell me how long cows should be milked?” you now have a long cow. An answer could be: “The same way as short cows.”

The Writing Lab: Simply the Truth

Now try to finish these simple truths on your own. Read the following expressions and clichés, and see if you can come up with a simple-truth tag. To help you get started, the key word with the best possibility for a double entendre is bold. Check your payoff lines with the ones suggested at the end of the chapter.

Boy: “Are you free tonight?”

My girlfriend was faithful to the end.

We never serve women at the bar.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Judge: “The court awards your wife $200 a week for support.”

Simple-Truth Variations: More Than One Truth

Thousands of words in the English language can become simple-truth double entendres by mispronunciation. Every humorist has his own favorites. Most people consider such constructions to be terrible puns. To overcome this conception, professional humorists put simple-truth double entendres in the mouths of children. Art Linkletter used them on his House Party TV show, and so did Stuart Hample’s books, such as Children’s Letters to God. Everyone is familiar with takeoffs of lines in the Bible (Lead me not into Penn Station) and fractured Christmas carols (On the first day of Christmas, my tulip gave to me … and. …) You can collect your own mispronunciation double entendres by reading the words in the dictionary aloud. Once you find one, your cleverness must add the punch line.

I bought a product for erectile dysfunction and the box said Cialis. I’ve been looking for her for the last three months.

It wasn’t my fault, it was the asphalt.

My mother makes our family eat so much salad, I wish she’d lettuce alone.

Another category of simple-truth humor is the non sequitur, an illogical statement that is humorous because of the juxtaposition of two unrelated elements. “One must have some grasp of logic even to recognize a non sequitur,” warned author and professor John Allen Paulos.

I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.

—Groucho Marx

A hundred years from now, the works of the old masters will be a thing of the past.

—A. Grove Day

Store sign: “Big Sale—Last Week!” Why are they telling me this? I already missed it.

—Yakov Smirnoff

Simple Truths: By the Pros

Many professional comedians use simple truths and non sequiturs from time to time in their monologues. Several use non sequiturs most of the time, including stand-up comedian Steven Wright. Here’s a sample; by now, you should be able to quickly anticipate most of the humorous conclusions.

How young can you die of old age?

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start …

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I got this powdered water—now I don't know what to add.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Survey these bits from Mitch Hedberg, and anticipate the humorous conclusions.

I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

An escalator can never break—it can only become stairs.

The Writing Lab: More Truth Telling

Try to finish each joke, then compare your answers to the ones listed at the end of the chapter.

I say live and let live. Anyone who can’t accept that …

And I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day …

My mind wanders a lot, …

I woke up one morning and my girlfriend asked me if I slept good. I said …

If truth is beauty, how come no one has her hair done …

At the gym they have free weights, so …

The Takeoff: Do Unto Others … Then Take Off

The takeoff is the most traditional of all humor techniques. Like the simple truth, the takeoff begins with a standard expression or cliché, but it continues with an outrageous commentary, sometimes containing a double entendre.

Beauty comes from within—like gas.

—Jim David

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

—Ben Kronberg

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

—Jimmy Carr

Takeoff Construction: Ready, Set, Surprise

The idea behind the takeoff is to draw a humorous conclusion from the intended meaning of a standard cliché. Because the takeoff is based on the intended meaning of the phrase, a takeoff is the opposite of the simple truth, which interprets the cliché or expression literally. In the takeoff, the phrase or cliché can either start the joke or be the punch line, but the cliché is typically used as an introduction, and the surprise takeoff is the big payoff at the conclusion of the joke.

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, but I keep trying to tell them.

—Mignon McLaughlin

If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

—Jimmy Carr

Where there’s a will, there’s a family fighting over it.

—Buzz Nutley

The takeoff construction is more difficult when the standard phrase is the second clause or sentence. A groan is the most frequent reaction to this construction, so it’s not as popular with stand-up comedians (they get enough groans without scheduling them).

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

—Chris Addison

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.

—Stewart Francis

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

—Doug Benson

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

—Russell Kane

I stuff my bra. So, if you get to second base with me, you’ll find that the bases are loaded.

—Wendy Liebman

The Writing Lab: Ready, Set, Takeoff

Now try to finish the following takeoffs. Compare your payoff lines with the pro’s lines at the end of the chapter.

Animals may be our friends, but they …

A fool and his money were …

Whatever goes up must come down, but …

Honesty is the best policy, but …

The race isn’t always to the swift, or the battle to the strong …

The hands on my biological clock are …

Takeoff Variations: Multiple Launch Pads

You can combine humor techniques in one joke. Here’s an example (inspired by author S.J. Perelman) that combines reforming (as discussed in the previous chapter) with a takeoff (note that the cliché comes second).

The hooker was chasing the comedian down the street—a case of the tail dogging the wag.

You can also put more than one cliché in a takeoff. It doubles the work, but it also doubles the fun.

In Seattle, they have a saying: “If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.”

—Doug Benson

If it wasn't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

—Eric Moore

Why do people groan rather than laugh at outrageous puns? No one has the slightest idea.

A pun is the lowest form of humor—unless you think of it first.

—Oscar Levant

Whether you put the cliché first or second in a takeoff depends on which ending reveals the surprise at the last possible moment. You may perform the joke with the cliché first, but remember that humor is written backwards. That means you must first find the cliché you want to work on, then build a story around it. The trick is not to telegraph the punch line. Here’s a takeoff that was so obviously stretched, it looks more like good taffy than good humor.

A construction worker discovered his wife in the backseat of a Honda Fit making love to another guy. He got into his cement truck, drove up to the car, and dumped an entire load of concrete all over it. Then, he drove away thinking, “The longer they go, the harder it gets.”

This example is a labored anecdote, but it does follow one essential rule: Make sure the joke is the last possible thought, and don’t add other words to the sentence after the joke. If you do, the audience will think that your takeoff was only a setup for a topper—and they’ll be disappointed when that topper doesn’t pop up.

Takeoffs: By the Pros

One of the great masters of the takeoff was Rodney Dangerfield, who used the technique to emphasize his self-deprecating stage persona of the man who gets no respect.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My father never liked me. For Christmas, he gave me a bat. The first time I tried to play ball with it, it flew away.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

When I was born, the doctor said to my father, “I’m sorry, we did everything we could, but he still pulled through.”

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

My mother didn’t breast-feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.

The Deep Thoughts book series and running feature on Saturday Night Live also used the takeoff. Each “deep thought” typically begins with a cliché or common phrase, and takes off with a bizarre, off-the-wall conclusion.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouthpart of the face.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The Writing Lab: If at First You Don’t Succeed

Let’s analyze the saying that has more variations than any other in comedic literature: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

If at first you don’t succeed, quit, quit at once.

—Stephen Leacock

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then stop—there’s no use being silly about it.

—George Burns

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t think of it as a failure. Think of it as time-release success.

—Robert Orben

You can use the takeoff with any cliché, such as “I like my coffee like I like …”

I like my women like I like my coffee: tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey by Juan Valdez.

—Patton Oswalt

I like my coffee like I like my men: bitter and incapable of experiencing human emotion.

—Selena Coppock

I've always said, I like my coffee like I like my men … I don't drink coffee.

—Ellen DeGeneres

Sometimes it isn’t even necessary to use the full cliché. Often just a suggestion or variation of the cliché is enough. Here are some classic Homer Simpson lines, also known as Homerisms.

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably. So, the lesson is, never try.

How to weasel out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.

An excellent exercise is to write the opening cliché line for an adage and then write as many takeoffs as you can create that have a clever and surprising ending. Start with the most-used comedic cliché, “If at first you don’t succeed,” and then create your own takeoffs. Compare your taglines to the ones at the end of the chapter.

The Writing Lab: Answers

Here are some punch line possibilities for the simple-truth exercises.

Boy: “Are you free tonight?”

Girl: “Of course. Have I ever charged you?”

My girlfriend was faithful to the end.

Unfortunately, I was the quarterback.

We never serve women at the bar.

You’ll have to bring your own.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

No, I looked in the dictionary, and go-getter is next to godliness.

Judge: “The court awards your wife $200 a week for support.”

Defendant: “Gee, that’s very nice of you, Judge. I think I’ll throw in a few bucks myself.”

Here are the professionals’ conclusions to the simple-truth setups.

I say live and let live. Anyone who can’t accept that should be executed.

—George Carlin

And I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it’s going to be up all night.

—Steven Wright

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it’s too weak to go very far.

—Bob Thaves

I woke up one morning and my girlfriend asked me if I slept good. I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

—Steven Wright

If truth is beauty, how come no one has her hair done in a library?

—Lily Tomlin

At the gym they have free weights, so I took them.

—Steve Smith

The following are the pros’ punch lines for takeoffs.

Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

—Bobcat Goldthwait

A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.

—Harry Anderson

Whatever goes up must come down, but don’t expect it to come down where you can find it.

—Lily Tomlin

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

—Steve Landesberg

The race isn’t always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong—but that’s the way to bet!

—Damon Runyon

The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.

—Wendy Liebman

The following are takeoffs for the cliché, “If at first you don’t succeed.”

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

—William Lyon Phelps

If at first you don't succeed … so much for skydiving.

—Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.

—M.H. Alderson

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

—Quentin Crisp

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you do succeed—try to hide your astonishment.

If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you.

Recap

The simple truth and the takeoff are two of the most common joke formats. Both share the traditional one-liner structure—a setup followed by a punch line. The setup is usually a cliché, which allows for a literal interpretation or an unexpected twist. Given their easy-to-follow form, the simple truth and takeoff are excellent tools for learning the art of writing a surprising and funny ending.

Chapter 6

The Next Giant Step: Reverses

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation—like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

—Amy Schumer

The term reverse has many definitions in humor writing, but one of the best is “a device that adds a contradictory tagline to the opening line of a standard expression or cliché.”

I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

—Jonathan Winters

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too … if they have a gun.

—Eddie Izzard

If size doesn’t matter, how come my girlfriend’s vibrator isn’t three inches and crooked?

—Doug Stanhope

Other writers call it the old switcheroo; a technique that switches the characters and setting of a standard humor bit to fit the existing situation.

We were incompatible in a lot of ways. Like for example, I was a night person, and he didn’t like me.

—Wendy Liebman

I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m lying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, “Boy a kid would be nice right now.”

—Kathleen Madigan

My boyfriend and I broke up, even though we’re still deeply in love. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

—Rita Rudner

The most common definition of a reverse is “an unexpected switch in the audience’s point of view.” Surprise comes from a basic change in direction—a reversal of habitual thinking or activity. To maintain the element of surprise, the writer must drop at least one prominent clue to mislead the audience, to push the audience in a false direction. See if you can spot the misdirection in the example below.

A man and woman are making passionate love in the bedroom. Suddenly, the apartment door opens, and a man comes in and shouts, “Darling! I’m home.” He walks into the bedroom, sees the naked couple and says, “What is she doing here?”

Did you spot it? The misdirection is the man shouting, “Darling!” The audience thinks he’s calling to the woman. The unexpected change in point of view occurs in the last line: “What is she doing here?”

In this chapter, we’ll use the reverse to create an unexpected switch so that its final direction produces surprise. Let’s examine the logic and construction of this classic technique.

The Reverse: Step Backward

Why humor reverses continue to surprise us is a mystery. After all, the ending is logical (if not realistic). A magician is able to use physical misdirection to accomplish his sleight of hand, while the comic has only words—and the hope that the audience goes off on the wrong train of thought.

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

—Sarah Silverman

I recently attended a pro-drug rally … in my basement.

—David Cross

When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I’m old—I know it is.

—Oscar Wilde

In each of the following examples, the writer wants you to be thinking predictably. Despite knowing you’re being set up for a joke, you may be so accustomed to the logical thought process that many of these reverses will still catch you by surprise.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

—Mark Twain

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name. And you’ve never been to that bar before.

—Zach Galifianakis

I love my children as much as anybody in here. I let them watch TV and stuff—when I let them out of the shed.

—Thea Vidale

One delight of the reverse is that it can be used for different purposes. MCs are notorious for incorporating reverses into their brief introductions.

We usually go for the best in live entertainment. But, tonight we have to settle for …

Is everybody having a good time? Well, we’ll put an end to that right now!

Reverses are also very practical for deflecting insults. If the critic isn’t carefully specific, the target has the thrill—and it is a thrill when that opportunity comes—to reverse the point of view and change the critic’s javelin into a boomerang.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down.

—Bob Newhart

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

—Jimmy Carr

People say to me, “You’re not very feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

—Roseanne Barr

Reverses can occur in physical humor, as well. During an appearance on David Letterman’s late-night TV show, Jack Hanna, then director of the Columbus Zoo, was displaying a toucan. Letterman was tossing grapes to the bird: “One, two, three,” toss. The bird caught each grape to the roaring approval of the audience. Suddenly, Letterman said to Hanna, “Jack, why don’t you try one?” “Fine,” said Hanna. “Here we go,” yelled Letterman, and he began tossing grapes into the air for Hanna to catch in his mouth. “One, two, three,” toss.

Reverse Construction: The Art of Surprise

The standard reverse is a simple statement setting up a point of view that is effectively cancelled out by the last few words. Pro writers sometimes spend hours polishing that important last line. In the examples below, the setup statements are in bold.

I sold my house this week. I got a good price for it—but it made my landlord mad as hell.

—Garry Shandling

I stayed at one of the crummiest hotels in town. In the middle of the night, I called the desk clerk and said, “I’ve got a leak in the bathtub.”

He said, “Hey, you paid for the room. Go right ahead.”

When the old Sheraton hotel was being renovated, they sold the ripped-out fixtures, so I bought the two front doors for my house. After they were installed, I pointed them out to a friend, “These came from the Sheraton hotel.”

He was astonished, “Most people just take soap and towels.”

Effective humor is carefully scripted to ensure the surprise ending remains hidden until the writer is ready to reveal it. Each phrase, idea, or fact is carefully designed so that when the performer reverses the train of thought, the audience is totally surprised. If they can see the reverse coming, they’re not surprised, just smug.

I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him.

—Jim Loy

First of all, I have a rule. And that is, I never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex. Because number one, what if I know the guy?

—Laura Kightlinger

A lot of people are wearing T-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son 'cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. It's also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

—Jo Koy

An effective reverse avoids telegraphing—inadvertently cluing the audience in to the upcoming surprise. If they are too obvious in their layout, reverses can be telegraphed even in the shortest jokes.

“Sorry to hear your wife ran away with your gardener.”

“Oh, that’s all right. I was going to fire him anyway!”

After two drinks, my wife turns into a screaming bitch. After five drinks, I pass out completely.

In the following routine, comedian Emo Philips plants clues that encourage the audience to think along predictable lines without telegraphing the punch line.

One day I was playing—I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don’t go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before—like … trees, grass, flowers, the sun—that was nice!

Note how he built up the reverse by playing on the audience’s assumption that he is outside the cellar.

I was about seven …

A child could be forbidden to enter the cellar. He might fall down the stairs, or the cellar might contain something dangerous.

I saw the cellar door open just a crack.

The parents have warned Philips away from the door, so the audience thinks there is something dangerous in the cellar. When the door opens just a crack, tension is created in the audience (who is still thinking that Philips is outside the cellar).

My folks had always warned me … whatever you do, don’t go near the cellar door.

The cellar is beginning to sound like some mysterious, horror-filled dungeon.

I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me.

The word killed further builds tension.

I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before.

Now the audience is sure that the mysterious cellar is filled with relics from King Tut’s tomb.

Like …

This is a necessary long pause, which is the apex of tension in preparation for the surprise ending—Philips revelation that he was in the cellar, looking out.

The Writing Lab: Shift into Reverse

A reverse should not be easy for the audience to spot in advance. Write a reverse for each of the following setups and then compare your best efforts with the pros’ versions at the end of the chapter.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and …

I finally have a dental plan. I …

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the …

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down—that and …

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is …

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other—so now …

After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said …

Reverse Variations: Working Backward with Others

The structure of the reverse allows it to be combined with other formats, like POW and simple truths.

I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend—with my car.

—Karen Anderson

I hate to travel. I guess it's because my father used to beat me with a globe.

—Dave Attell

I was driving like a maniac to get here on time. I took a wrong turn, and I see a sign that says, “Caution: Small Children Playing.” So, I slowed down. Then it occurs to me—I'm not afraid of small children.

—Jonathan Katz

A common variation of the reserve is an anecdote—like the Emo Philips routine previously discussed—or a short story with a sudden climax. The setup includes just enough information to encourage the audience to proceed automatically in a direction the performer reverses at the end.

I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.”

I was like, “Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?”

—Amy Schumer

The trick to creating a good anecdotal reverse is to lay out the plotline of the story so realistically that the reverse isn’t expected—even a little bit—by the audience.

A man was driving on a narrow, winding mountain road when he almost collided with a car that wildly careened around a blind curve. “You stupid fool,” he shouted at the other driver.

The other car came to a dead stop. A woman rolled down the window, looked at the man and yelled, “Pig! Pig! Pig!” and then quickly drove off.

Furious at the insult, the man slammed his car into gear, roared around the mountain curve—and slammed head-on into a giant hog standing in the road.

The reversal in this anecdote works so well because the events leading up to it are completely believable—they could happen to anyone.

Films and sitcoms can lay the groundwork for surprise endings with seemingly insignificant dialogue sprinkled throughout an entire scene. But jokes can’t take a half hour, so clues using the minimum number of words must be dropped seamlessly into anecdotes. Only after audience members have been fooled by the magician are they anxious to analyze what really happened. When your audiences retrospectively analyze your anecdotes, make sure they can note the cleverness of your construction.

Two old men were watching a Great Dane lick his balls. One turned to the other and said, “All my life, I’ve wished that I could do that!”

The second one said, “Better pet him first, he looks mean as hell.”

—Billy Crystal

The Writing Lab: Painting Humor

Some humorists are blessed with the ability to paint a picture with words, affording the listener or reader the chance to visualize the joke. For example, the success of Garrison Keillor’s mythical Lake Wobegon adventures is in large part due to his colorful phrasing and vivid references. Here are the opening lines to Keillor’s book Wobegon Boy.

I am a cheerful man, even in the dark, and it’s all thanks to a good Lutheran mother. When I was a boy, if I came around looking glum and mopey, she said, “What’s the matter? Did the dog pee on your cinnamon toast?” And the thought of our old black mutt raising his hind leg in the pas de dog and peeing on my toast made me giggle.

Humor provides the writer with great latitude to embellish—even exaggerate—with imagery. Consider the following joke.

Based on what you know about him, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? One: Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. Two: Advising the President. Or three: Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

—David Letterman

The joke works only because of the imagery in the final line, “Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.” If a general phrase were used, such as “Trying to get out of his coffin,” the joke would be less effective. The colorful language encourages the audience to visualize the joke.

The lack of imagery in many play-on-word (POW) jokes explains why the response to them is often less than enthusiastic. Most POW humor depends entirely on language subtleties to produce surprise, and only half of the brain—the left hemisphere—experiences the joke. When imagery is incorporated into a joke, both hemispheres are stimulated, and the result is full-brain humor.

One of the ways to enhance the visual nature of humor is by specificity. For example, the term candy bar is less likely to conjure up a visual cue than a specific reference, such as a Snickers bar. The challenge for comedy writers is to avoid general, abstract phrases and to use concrete descriptions that stimulate the senses.

The following exercises will punch up the imagery in your writing.

Rewrite each of the following phrases using specificity.

Grab some food

Watch TV

Read a book

Drive a car

Replace general words or phrases in your previous jokes with specific, graphic descriptions.

When you record everyday events in your humor diary, use the most vivid, colorful, and graphic descriptions.

Reverses: By the Pros

The reverse is a staple of stand-up comedy.

Pedophiles don't want to be called pedophiles. They want to be called priests.

—Keith Robinson

You go to university to find out who you are. I went to university and found out I was a prick.

—Jon Richardson

I don't know if I'm going to Heaven or Hell. I just hope God grades on a curve.

—Mike Dugan

In her sitcom show and stand-up, Amy Schumer frequently switches perspectives.

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out?”

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things—like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

He was really into family … He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends ’cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

Jimmy Carr is an aficionado of the classic switcheroo.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Men think about sex every seven seconds, which I think makes talking to your dad very creepy.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger,"—’til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea … you never get that tea.

The Writing Lab: Fake News

The “news” reports on shows such as Saturday Night Live and The Daily Show commonly include reverses in the form of one-sentence news headlines followed by contradictory taglines. Write a reverse for each of the following setups and then compare your responses to the pros’ versions that appear at the end of the chapter.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature.

Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events.

Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder.

Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree.

Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day.

Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third straight, triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial Average.

The Writing Lab: Answers

Here are the pros’ conclusions for the reverse setups.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

—Bob Rubin

I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.

—Janine Ditullio

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn’t bother me. It’s her hiding that seems so cruel.

—Jonathan Katz

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down—that and neutering.

—Kevin Nealon

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

—Barry Crimmins

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other—so now it’s just a waiting game.

—Bill Dwyer

After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

—Ronnie Shakes

Here are the conclusions for the headline news setups.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

—Tina Fey

Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't.

—Seth Meyers

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

—Jon Stewart

Disney has developed a new video game called “Disney City Girl,” which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made.

—Seth Meyers

Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family.

—Tina Fey

Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years.

—Seth Meyers

Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial Average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet.

—Amy Poehler

Recap

Like magic, the reverse relies on misdirection. The standard reverse begins with a simple statement setting up a point of view that is eventually cancelled out by the last few words. By unexpectedly switching directions, the humorist magically reveals a surprising and funny ending.

Chapter 7

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered: Triples

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

—Carol Leifer

The mystical power of the unit three, sometimes called “the holy trilogy,” has been known for centuries. The Bible is filled with triple designations: the three wise men, the Trinity, and the Hebrew forefathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Seminal documents and speeches often contain triples: Jefferson wrote, “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” and Lincoln penned, “Of the people, for the people, by the people.”

The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash.

—Winston S. Churchill

Our childhoods were ruled by the magical three. It started with the A, B, Cs. We eventually met Goldilocks and the three bears, the three blind mice, the three little pigs, the three musketeers, and Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Even Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by three spirits.

It’s not a coincidence that we watched the Three Stooges, the Three Amigos, and Three Men and a Baby. People in the theater are so superstitious about numbers that actors will knock on stage doors three times and only three times.

Three may be an odd number in math, but its even da-da-Ta-da-da-Ta-da-da-Ta cadence makes it the most important number in comedy. Humorists and comedians have relied on the magical three for years.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

—Mark Twain

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

—Charlie Chaplin

Cremation is like you’re trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened.

—Jerry Seinfeld

In this chapter, we will explore humor’s favorite number and discuss the logic and constructions of the triple. And that’s (1) the truth, (2) the whole truth, and (3) nothing but the truth.

Snap, Crackle, and Laugh: Triple the Funny

Every joke structure has its devotees, but the triple is one format that all humorists use over and over and over. Featuring a grouping of three examples or a sequence of three actions, comments, or categories, the triple increases tension with its longer buildup.

I got my first bikini. It's a three piece: It's a top, a bottom, and a blindfold for you.

—Wendy Liebman

Social networks do best when they tap into one of the seven deadly sins. Facebook is ego. Zynga is sloth. LinkedIn is greed.

—Reid Hoffman

Doing comedy for the first time for me was very similar to losing my virginity. It was awkward, uncomfortable, but I did get a lot of laughs.

—Michael Showalter

Triples are one of the most common humor formulas. They have been used for so many years in the “There was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi …” format that, when three such clergymen actually did walk into a bar, the bartender asked, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

I don't understand why people procreate when there are kids here already who need to be exploited, ignored, and abused.

—Laura Kightlinger

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

— Redd Foxx

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts, and batteries for the remote control.

—Diana Jordan

The triple formula uses hostility, exaggeration, a buildup of tension, and a surprise ending that inflates the payoff. Most triples are short—two or three sentences—but longer triples can work if done correctly. The opening lines are logical setups and the final line is the most audacious.

You'll come to a comedy show, there'll be a robot on stage. “For family jokes, press one. Relationship jokes, press two. For penis jokes, press deez nuts.”

—Kyle Grooms

Here's my marriage quiz: Your wife comes in and says, “Hey, do I look fat?” Do you say a) “Yeah, you could lose a few,” b) “No honey, you've never looked better,” or c) “Wait, let me get my protective head gear?”

—Darrell Hammond

There are three ways to be ruined in this world. First is by sex, the second is by gambling, and the third is by telling jokes. Sex is the most fun, gambling is the most exciting, and being a comedian is the surest.

—Paul Roth

Triple Construction: The Power of Three

According to a comedic theory developed by author William Lang, there are only three parts to most comedic bits. We call these three elements humor’s SAP test.

S = Setup (preparation)

A = Anticipation (triple)

P = Punch line (story payoff)

Notice how SAP fits these examples.

S = We were Pentecostal.

A = When I was growing up we couldn’t go to movies, we couldn’t listen to rock music, we couldn’t wear makeup.

P = That’s just a lightbulb and a car away from being Amish.

—René Hicks

S = My wife and I don’t get along.

A = I take my meals separately, I take a separate vacation, and I sleep in a separate bedroom.

P = I’m doing everything I can to keep this marriage together.

—Milton Berle

It’s possible, of course, to abbreviate the SAP formula by combining two of the elements in one sentence. In the following example, the third part of the triple also includes the punch line.

When you die there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When my father dies, he’ll see the light, make his way toward it, and then flip it off to save electricity.

—Harland Williams

Notice how the triple sequence in the next example sets up the value of the last line.

If you want to be seen—stand up!

If you want to be heard—speak up!

If you want to be appreciated—shut up!

The joke wouldn’t be as effective as a series of two. When we leave off the first line, the triple reads:

If you want to be heard—speak up!

If you want to be appreciated—shut up!

The humor is still there, but the punch is softer without the buildup of tension that the triple provides. If you were to add more lines to this joke, you would overstretch the sequence and make the audience impatient to get to the punch line.

If you want to be involved—show up!

If you want to be seen—stand up!

If you want to be heard—speak up!

If you want to be important—pay up!

If you want to be appreciated—shut up!

There’s no reason to give five examples when three accomplishes all the preparation that’s needed.

The final element of SAP humor can include a reverse to make it sound fresher.

I was told to be accurate, be brief, and then be seated. So I promise I shall be brief as possible—no matter how long it takes me.

—Willard Pearson

The trilogy is not a commandment; it’s a formula (which means it can be taught in schools). Although most series-based jokes are most effective when they contain three elements, the number of introductory setups in the series can be two, three, four, or as many as you wish—whatever it takes to build anticipation and a climax.

You ever wake up in the middle of the night, and you roll over and look at your mate, and the moonlight catches them just right, and you just want to gingerly reach over and smack the crap out of them?

—Rondell Sheridan

Comic Bill Dana once explained why a ranch with eleven names (Bar Nine, Circle Z, Rocking O, Flying W, Lazy R, Crazy Eight, Bar Seven, Happy Tow, Flying Nun, Lazy Six, and Bar Five) had no cattle: because none could make it through branding. Erma Bombeck preferred to use four, five, and sometimes six in a series. The length of a series is not what’s critical—it’s the anticipation created by the series.

I called my friend Bernie in Miami and asked how he was feeling.

“Not well,” he said. “I’ve got cataracts in both eyes, my hearing is almost totally gone, my memory is so bad I can’t remember where I put anything, and my hands shake all the time.”

“That’s terrible,” I said. “Any good news?”

“Yes,” he said, “I still have my Florida driver’s license.”

It’s no surprise that there are three rules specifically geared to the number three. Tension is important in humor structure, and a triple helps build tension, but be wary of too much of a good thing.

Never use more than three jokes about one subject in a monologue.

Three minutes is the ideal length for a skit.

Don’t exceed three themes in an article.

The Writing Lab: Who’s Going to Change the Bulb?

The punch line to the traditional lightbulb joke (How many ____________s does it take to change a lightbulb?) often consists of a triple. Again, the first and second answers are only setups for the third. Here are some examples based on state stereotypes.

How many Louisianans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three: one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the bulb, and one to bribe officials for the permit.

How many Virginians?

Three: one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the bulb, and one highly refined lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.

How many Oregonians?

Forty-two: one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the bulb, and forty to draft the environmental impact statement.

Use a triple to write a lightbulb joke for each of the following professions. Compare your punch lines to the ones listed at the end of the chapter.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many lawyers?

How many doctors?

How many L.A. cops?

How many auto mechanics?

How many comedians?

How many assholes?

How many Mafia hit men?

Triple Variations: Triple the Triple

A common variation on the SAP formula is to set up a joke with a triple—in other words, to include the triple not in the A (anticipation) part of the formula, but in the first P (preparation). The second element of the joke then refers to something unrelated to the triple. Finally, in the punch line, the answer to the question references the triple in the setup. Once you learn this formula, the variations multiply.

Waitress, in hoarse voice: For dessert, we got ice cream—vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

Customer: You got laryngitis?

Waitress: No, just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

Triples can easily be combined with other joke formats. For example, you can start with a triple and add a takeoff.

The thing about being a professor is that if you can make just one student successful, if you can make just one student see the light, if you can make just one ready for the outside world, then you’re still stuck with nineteen failures.

—Mel Helitzer

I'm bald, blind, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

—Jim Gaffigan

Another very popular combination of techniques is to start with a triple, then switch to a reverse. The reverse can supplement or replace the third element in the triple.

If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens—all animals, I'm pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.

—Jimmie Roulette

In New York, three o'clock in the morning, you can get truck tires, falafel, and a bag of heroin—in the same store.

—Jim Norton

I had a nightmare I was trapped in an elevator with Yanni, Kenny G., and Michael Bolton … and I had a gun with only one bullet.

—Dave Attell

You can also combine a triple with another triple.

I remember my first sexual experience: backseat of my dad's car. I was young; I was in love; I was alone. No, not quite—Dad was driving. He was pissed. It's a small car, and the top was down.

—Louis Ramey

My rules for dating: I don’t want to hear about your car, I don’t want to hear about your ex-girlfriend, I don’t want to hear about your boring-ass job. The most romantic thing you can do is relax, buy me drinks, and shut the hell up.

—Wanda Sykes

You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”

—Lynne Koplitz

A common variation of a triple is an anecdote—a short story told in the fewest possible words. That’s why, even in a long triple, you need to give just enough information to set up the payoff line.

A minister comes home to his apartment early and finds his wife nude in bed and the room filled with cigar smoke. He looks down from his tenth-story window and sees a man smoking a big cigar just leaving the building. Enraged, he picks up his refrigerator and throws it out the window, killing the man instantly.

Why did you do that?” someone yelled from the street. “You killed my priest.”

The minister was so distraught that he threw himself out of the window.

A few moments later, three men—a priest, a minister, and a rabbi—approach heaven’s gate and an angel asks each how he died.

I don’t know,” says the priest, “except suddenly a refrigerator smashed me into the ground.”

The minister says, “I threw it. But I was so filled with remorse, I jumped out of the window and killed myself.”

What about you, rabbi?” asks the angel.

You got me. All I know was I was minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator …”

Humor takes even more literary effort than the average editorial story because the climax must be powerful enough to cause an immediate physical reaction in the audience. Your goal is to tell an anecdote in the fewest possible words. But sometimes cutting words can lessen the effect of a joke. Consider the following example.

Three sons, with their wives, were celebrating their parents’ fiftieth anniversary. At the dinner, the first son stood up and said, “Dad. Mom. I’d have brought you a present, but Suzy and I spent the summer in Europe, so we’re kinda broke, but we do wish you the very best.”

The second son said, “My dear parents, I, too, would have brought a present, but I just bought Nancy a diamond necklace, and we’re short right now.”

And the third said, “Folks, we purchased a powerboat, which left us strapped, but good health and love for years to come.”

“That’s okay, sons,” said the father. “I know how it feels to be broke. I never told you this, but when your mother and I decided to get married fifty years ago, we didn’t even have the money for a license, so we never had a ceremony.”

One of the sons burst out, “My god, Dad. You know what that makes us?”

“Yes, I do,” said the father, “and cheap ones, too!”

You can tell the same story without a triple in half the words.

A son attends a fiftieth anniversary dinner for his parents. He apologizes that, because of personal luxury expenses, he couldn’t afford a present.

The father sympathizes, “We know how it is. When Mother and I were courting, we were so poor we couldn’t afford a license, so we never got married.”

“My god,” says the son, “do you know what that makes me?”

“Yes,” says the dad, “and a cheap one, too!”

The elimination of the triple decreased the suspense and minimized the buildup of hostility that makes the father’s retort so funny. It isn’t that one example isn’t funny; it’s just that ridiculing three is more pleasurable.

The Writing Lab: The Triple Punch

Three criteria determine whether a premise properly sets up the punch line: truth, emotion, and explicitness. The three factors form a memorable acronym, TEE. A solid premise will TEE-up a joke by containing the following elements.

T = Truth: The most effective humor is reality-based, genuine, and true. If a setup is exaggerated, insincere, or untrue, then you lose the ability to bend reality to produce the surprise punch line.

E = Emotion: A solid setup includes a factual statement, opinion, or observation with a stated or implied emotion. The emotion is usually anger or hostility driven by the stupidity, absurdity, or weirdness of the premise.

E = Explicitness: An effective premise is specific and readily understood by others.

The following exercises will help you identify targets with broad appeal and premises that TEE-up the punch line.

Previously, you identified the ways in which each of your targets causes anger, frustration, or irritation. Review each statement to determine if it is reality-based, genuine, and true. If a statement is exaggerated, insincere, or untrue, then either rewrite the premise or discard it.

For each statement that passed the truth test, determine whether the premise is specific and clear. Also, consider whether the premise will appeal to others. Rewrite as needed.

At this point, you’ll have a list of premises that can TEE-up jokes. Practice fitting your premises into the various joke formulas that we have covered.

Triples: By The Pros

The triple is a common format used by all comics.

I actually thought about getting breast implants because I'm a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.

—Maria Bamford

To me, guys in bars are all dogs. They all just sniff around, scratch, and then look for a place to bury their bone.

—Pamela Yager

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

—Jon Stewart

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

—Dave Barry

You know, I go to the theater to be entertained … I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction … I can get all that at home.

—Peter Cook

For more than two decades, the unmatched writing staff of The Simpsons has produced thousands of one-liners. For Homer Simpson, the triple is a favorite.

Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother to just get one!

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

The Writing Lab: Triple This

Like a joke in any other format, a triple must conclude with an audacious and surprising climax. Write an unexpected conclusion for each of the following jokes. Compare your answers to the pros’ versions at the end of the chapter.

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or …

This is exciting. A woman recently had a baby from an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. She said, “I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl, or …

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is “Hey, taxi.” Two is “What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale’s?” And three is …

I like Florida; everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages, and …

Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and …

At eighty-eight, the king of popcorn, Orville Redenbacher, passed away. His family is mired in an ugly dispute over whether to cremate, microwave, or …

The Writing Lab: Answers

Here are some possible punch lines for the lightbulb jokes.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thirty-six. Two to sponsor the bill, thirty-three to constitute a quorum, and one to change it.

How many lawyers?

Three. One to change it, one to call the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the power company for causing the surge that made the bulb burn out.

How many doctors?

Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill Medicare.

How many L.A. cops?

Six: One to screw in a new bulb, four to beat the crap out of the old one, and one to videotape the scene.

How many auto mechanics?

Six: One to give you an estimate, one to force it with a hammer, and four to go out for more bulbs.

How many comedians?

Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to spend the next six months going round telling it to everyone.

How many assholes?

Three. One to screw it in, one to kick out the chair from underneath the first asshole, and one to point and laugh.

How many Mafia hit men?

Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Here are the professionals’ conclusions for the triples.

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

—Laura Kightlinger

This is exciting. A woman recently had a baby from an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. She said, “I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl, or fish sticks.”

—Conan O’Brien

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is “Hey, taxi.” Two is, “What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale’s?” And three is, “Don’t worry. It’s only a flesh wound.”

—David Letterman

I like Florida; everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages, and the IQs.

—George Carlin

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.

—Cher

At eighty-eight, the king of popcorn, Orville Redenbacher, passed away. His family is mired in an ugly dispute over whether to cremate, microwave, or air pop him.

—Stephanie Miller

Recap

The concept of a triple is simple. Whenever you have a sequence of actions, comments, or categories, the magical number is three. By listing a series of three conditions, the triple builds tensions and increases the funny. The key is to make sure the funniest item appears at the end. Simple as one, two, three.

Chapter 8

Realism, Exaggeration, and Shock

I’ve had more women than most people have noses.

—Steve Martin

Humor only appears to be free-form. To the trained ear, it’s predictable because it’s structured. Nowhere is this structure more evident than in the interaction of realism and exaggeration, two of the six ingredients in the THREES formula (target, hostility, realism, exaggeration, emotion, surprise). In humor, they balance each other like equal weights on a scale. At times, one side of the scale may tip, but the variation is always small—and that’s no exaggeration.

My dad’s pants kept creeping up on him. By sixty-five he was just a pair of pants and a head.

—Jeff Altman

In the preceding joke, the realistic element is the rising waistband of the father’s pants. The exaggeration is the waistband reaching the father’s head. Realism is essential in order for the audience to share hostility toward a common target. On the other side of the scale, facts and conclusions are exaggerated to build tension and surprise. This is a standard theatrical device, a dramatic license that portrays objects and events as larger than life.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: Don’t exaggerate.

Exaggeration is the Silly Putty of humor writing. You start with a realistic scenario, then bend and distort it for comic effect. Exaggeration is one of the easiest and most effective comedic tools, and it appears in all types of humor: Cartoonists magnify physical features, impressionists exaggerate speech mannerism, and comedians embellish language.

In this chapter, we’ll use humor’s Silly Putty to create overstated and understated humor. We’ll also discuss the extreme form of exaggeration, shock humor. Let’s examine the logic and construction of these techniques.

Exaggeration: Turning Sense into Nonsense

Turning realism into exaggeration is easier to understand if we think of it as a transition from sense to nonsense. Exaggeration is embellishing that which you’ve seen or heard. It’s almost instinctive. We learned as children that we could get attention by exaggerating. We also learned we could get in a lot of trouble. But if we told stories in the form of jokes, we not only got away with it, we got appreciative laughter.

In grade school, I was such a hit with my exaggerated mimicking and clowning that the teacher was charging a four-dollar cover and a two-drink minimum.

—Billy Crystal

Since comedy encourages the audience to suspend disbelief, humorists can take advantage of every opportunity to stretch the truth. In other circumstances, unmitigated exaggeration would be viewed as lying. In humor, clever exaggeration is rewarded with laughter.

Even my daughter doesn’t give me any respect. I put her to bed and tried to kiss her and she said, “Not tonight, Daddy, I’ve got a terrible headache.”

—Rodney Dangerfield

If there’s anything instinctive about humor writing, it’s being able to determine the right balance of reality and distortion. Every installment of I Love Lucy began with a logical premise, such as Lucy’s desire to be a singer in Ricky’s band or her suspicions he might be philandering. Only after a plausible foundation had been established was the element of absurdity introduced. Then, exaggeration continued to inflate the plot until the inevitable slapstick climax.

The importance of realism might seem to run counter to our understanding that humor is fictional. But humor must contain some element of truth if people are to care. If everyone knows from the beginning of a joke that any likeness to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental, they won’t care, and they won’t laugh. It’s similar to the instinct news editors use daily to decide what is newsworthy. You have to know it when you see it.

Exaggeration Construction: Stretching Reality

Humor comes out of the unexpected: If there’s no surprise, there’s no laugh. In a triple, as discussed in chapter seven, the first two lines are often straight lines; this is the realistic element. The third line is the surprise twist—logically related to the first two lines, but unexpected and exaggerated. Realism is the setup, while exaggeration is the joke. “Get your facts first,” wrote Mark Twain, “and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

My mama had a backhand that would cure most diseases.

—Don “D.C.” Curry

Refining the relationship between exaggeration and realism in humor can be related to stretching a rubber band. Imagine the unstretched band is the realism, and exaggeration stretches the band.

When the rubber band is stretched to capacity, several things happen at once.

Stretching alters the shape of the band; exaggeration changes the perception of reality.

The rubber band can be stretched a little (understatement) or a lot (overstatement).

Just as tension increases in a rubber band that it is stretched, exaggeration increases tension in the audience—up to the breaking point.

When you pluck a rubber band, it makes a sound. The pitch of this sound gets higher as you stretch the rubber band further. This sound can be compared to emotion in an audience. The more you stretch the rubber band, the greater the emotion in the audience.

Finding the proper balance between realism and exaggeration is the ultimate test of a comedy writer’s skill. Humor only comes when the exaggeration is logical. Simply being ludicrous or audacious is not a skill. It’s amateur.

Many novice stand-up comedians struggle with exaggeration. They’ll start with some realistic premise—the way women dress, picking up men in a singles bar, outsmarting the police, or advertising slogans—but then they’ll shift into fifth gear in a wild display of ludicrous fantasy that’s not well connected to the initial premise. Their material has limited success because they make the same mistake repeatedly: They disrupt the equal balance of realism and exaggeration. Outrageous doesn’t mean creative.

The skilled humor writer starts with realism, then tries to determine how far in any direction the truth can be exaggerated without destroying credibility. One way to do this is to create possibilities under the headings good, better, and best. A story about a prisoner who calls his companion a cell mate is good, but calling him a roommate is better, and calling him a suite-mate is the best of all.

I think, in ten years, hell is gonna be the only place left where you can still smoke.

—Kathleen Madigan

Overstatement and Understatement

Exaggeration is used by humorists to distort personal attributes, behaviors, and experiences. It most commonly occurs as overstatement (hyperbole).

There’s nothing random about the random search at the airport. You go to the gate, and they’re standing there with a Sherwin-Williams paint chart. If your ass is darker than khaki, you’re getting searched.

—Wanda Sykes

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like “What I’m going to be if I grow up.”

—Lenny Bruce

The scarecrow scared the crows so badly that they brought back the corn they had stolen two years before.

—Fred Allen

Exaggeration also works as understatement, which is an excellent technique for self-deprecating and insult humor.

I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

—Bette Midler

I have low self-esteem. When I’m in bed with someone, I fantasize that I’m someone else.

—Richard Lewis

Miscounting to Laughter

Numbers also can be exaggerated. Inflated numbers signal to the audience that they are listening to something fictional, that the ludicrousness of the plot is intended to make a point by shock as well as surprise.

A graduating senior went to the board of health and asked for two thousand cockroaches. He said he promised his landlord he would leave his apartment exactly the way he found it.

The exaggeration is obvious. Would fifty cockroaches have been an acceptable number? Although that number might be more realistic, the mental image of two thousand roaches is more graphic. On the other hand, what about fifty thousand cockroaches? It could be argued that such an overwhelming number creates an image straight out of Hollywood’s chamber of horrors and would be more distracting than effective. The number two thousand is easy to say (compared to two thousand five hundred) and easy to remember. It sounds right.

For some reason, fifty-nine sounds larger than sixty, sixty-nine sounds larger than seventy, and seventy-nine sounds larger than eighty—perhaps because the number nine is the highest number you can reach in the decimal system (before resetting to zero). This can be emphasized during a performance.

The selection of the best number for a joke is more art than science. Each of the following jokes uses a number as the surprise element. After you read each one, select a wide variety of numbers—from the highest conceivable to the lowest. Ask yourself if the humor is strengthened by altering the number in any way.

Since I've been out of high school, I've been to thirty-two weddings. That's like seventeen-and-a-half miles of the electric slide, folks.

—Matt Iseman

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want two thousand of something.

—Mitch Hedberg

If you've gotta get some condoms from the 99 cent store, you better use four of them.

—Loni Love

Understated numbers are as equally effective as exaggerated numbers.

When New Yorker editor Harold Ross was asked why he printed the cartoons of James Thurber, a fourth-class illustrator, Ross said, “I don’t think he’s fourth class—maybe second class!”

China has a population of one billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in one million kind of guy, there are still one thousand others that is like you.

—Whitney Brown

You go to Las Vegas now, they've got penny slot machines. Yeah, penny slot machines. First of all, if you are gambling and you've gotta get change for a nickel—it's over.

—Clinton Jackson

Overstatement and Understatement by the Pros

Jerry Seinfeld and Ellen DeGeneres each combine observational humor with understatement and hyperbole. Here are some of DeGeneres’s exaggerations.

In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

You always know when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves: “Would you please stop that? That breathing in and out, it’s so repetitious!”

You're never too old to play. You're only too old for low-rise jeans.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: “Ohhh, my God, you're thin.”

When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy petting zoo. For people who really like the animals a lot.

Here are some of Seinfeld’s exaggerations.

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?

The Writing Lab: Yo’ Mama is …

A classic setup for exaggeration jokes is “Yo’ Mama is …”

Yo' Mama is so old, she's got a Bible autographed by Jesus.

Yo' Mama is so fat, her driver's license says, “Picture continued on other side.”

Yo' Mama is so ugly, the only thing she turns on is the TV.

Write an overstated or understated conclusion for the following setups and compare your response to the pros’ versions at the end of the chapter.

My father was so cheap. For Easter …

My town was so little …

My childhood was so bleak …

I dye my hair so much …

I have so much cybersex …

I’ve been on so many blind dates …

Exaggeration Variations: A Truly Shocking Surprise

I’m in a restaurant and I’m eating and someone says, “Mind if I smoke?” and I say, “Uh, no. Mind if I fart?”

—Steve Martin

The humor rubber band can be stretched a little (understatement) or a lot (overstatement). Sometimes the humorist breaks the rubber to shock and surprise. Consider the punch line of the following story. The vulgarity is so unexpected that it’s like watching a friend take a banana-peel fall. We laugh and then look around to see who else is laughing. If no one is, we realize that perhaps we shouldn’t have either.

A walking path bordered the golf course. One afternoon a tee shot nearly smashed into a little old lady.

She screamed, “Why didn’t you yell fore?”

“I didn’t have time,” said the golfer.

“Oh, no?” said the little old lady. “Then how come you had time to yell ‘Oh, shit!’”

But vulgarity sometimes works. In fact, the writer could not have used any other word to end this story. It just wouldn’t be as funny if the woman had said, “You had time to yell ‘Oh, darn!’” There would still be an element of surprise, but not the double surprise triggered by the expletive. “Humor is like guerrilla warfare,” wrote author Dwight MacDonald. “Success (and survival) depends on traveling light, striking unexpectedly, and getting away fast.” The original sin may have been nothing more than a bad pun Eve made about Adam’s apple.

Shock and Awe

Many of the founding parents of stand-up comedy, like Lenny Bruce, Redd Foxx, Moms Mabley, and George Carlin, intentionally used the most shocking language possible to enliven their material and test the limits of obscenity laws—Bruce was frequently arrested during performances. Obscenity is partly in the eye (or ear) of the beholder, and Carlin believed that “if a word shocks you, it’s your problem.”

People tell me that they’re disgusted with my kind of language. So, I ask if I can take ’em out to the parking lot and slam a car door on their hand. Then, they’ll say both “shit” and “motherfucker.”

—Redd Foxx

Humor writers who fail to shrink from carefully selected risqué language and situations may incur severe criticism from Bible thumpers and English purists. Fortunately humor is as constitutionally guaranteed as any free speech—courts have held that satire is the freest of free speech—and shouldn’t be censored, especially by its own writers.

On TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can’t say it the other way around.

—George Carlin

While there’s a difference between being rude and being funny, obscenities are sometimes the perfect words. And when they are, they should be used. A word is not just a sound or a random combination of printed letters. Each word in humor is a carefully designed missile calculated to penetrate the mind and create a specific impact. In the following jokes, if any other word or phrase replaces the obscenity, they lose their punch.

I had an interesting morning; I got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard “Snap, crackle, fuck you!”

—George Carlin

I've always wanted to own a maternity shop. I'd call it: We're Fucked!

—Zach Galifianakis

The perfect word is not easily interchangeable, even if you have access to an unabridged thesaurus. Consider the following examples of the same joke told with and without profanity. Which do you think is more powerful?

Without Profanity

Two chickens are talking. One says, “My farmer gets sixty cents a dozen for my eggs. Laying eggs is easy.” The other hen says, “Not for me, it isn’t. I grunt and groan, so my eggs are bigger and my farmer gets sixty-five cents a dozen.” The first hen replied, “For five cents a dozen, it doesn’t pay to strain yourself.”

With Profanity

Two chickens are talking. One says, “My farmer gets sixty cents a dozen for my eggs. Laying eggs is easy.” The other hen says, “Not for me, it isn’t. I grunt and groan, so my eggs are bigger and my farmer gets sixty-five cents a dozen.” The first hen says to her companion, “What! I should bust my ass for a nickel?”

Writers search for the perfect word just as composers search for the perfect note; both are searching for the perfect sound. And when it’s found, it shouldn’t be cast aside because of fear or priggish morality.

It’s F’ing Everywhere

Nothing is more pestiferous in contemporary comedy than the growing use of unexpurgated language and the emphasis on bed-to-bidet humor. Many may not like it, but the widespread use of obscene words and taboo subjects is closely braided into the fabric of contemporary comic material.

I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is really hot, you should be able to fuck one time.

—Dave Attell

God did not intend for a woman to weigh ninety pounds, all right? If you do, you are in third grade. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh ninety pounds is maybe one full-grown titty.

—Tess

People that drive a gas-guzzling SUV and they put a flag on it—that's like a whore wearing a rosary.

—Paul Gilmartin

I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.

—Greg Giraldo

I love black women: burnt black, slave black. I love my woman so black, I just like her to lay in the bed, look like a hole in the sheets.

—Earthquake

There’s straightforward logic for using appropriate obscenities. Humor doesn’t lead society—it follows. Humor pokes fun at human antics, and that includes our language. In everyday life, we use shock words to get attention, so while obscenity isn’t synonymous with humor, it’s certainly an important ingredient. Humor must use the colloquial language of its subject and the audience—and be suitable to the persona of the performer.

To Shock or Not to Shock

Irreverence is a salable commodity. Comedy questions everything that’s said and done. Nothing is off-limits, nothing is so sacrosanct as to be beyond criticism—the pope, God, the president, the flag, handicapped children, debilitating social diseases, and not just mother-in-law, but mother.

We spend so much money on the military, yet we’re slashing education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we’ve got smart bombs and stupid fucking children.

—Jon Stewart

On the other hand, many question whether shock language is humorous or just adolescent exhibitionism. Successful writers are more often lauded for the hard work that goes into creative art than for outrageous acts. Too often, people claim that blue humor doesn’t make us laugh, it makes us blush.

I have one pick-up line which never works. If I’m at a club and I see a guy I like, I smile. And if he smiles back and I feel really comfortable, I’ll walk over and say, “Stick it in!”

—Margaret Cho

And why, critics ask, must humor concentrate on the negative aspects of life: drug- and alcohol-related problems, sexual inadequacy, perversion, and communicable diseases? The answer is simple—shock humor gets laughs.

It’s easy to be prudish and to claim that hard-core expressions are only intended to shock, and whether the expressions are funny or not, hard-core language—in fact, almost anything taboo—shocks young people into laughter. That’s why second-rate comics use it as fallback shtick when their first-string jokes fail. Your decision to use profane or obscene language—and at what level to use it—should be guided by the MAPP theory. Hard-core language, even when overused by shock comics is likely to be successful, which makes them hard to disparage.

Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, “They had standards and practices.” I was like, wait a minute—you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number-one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of shit?

—Wanda Sykes

The question then is not whether shock words should be used, but when and to what extent. Experienced performers test the limits of their racier subjects by purposely inserting trial material in their act up front. If the reaction is negative, they respect the signals immediately, because humor can never be forced.

My father died fucking. He did. My father was fifty-seven when he died. The woman was eighteen. My father came and went at the same time.

—Richard Pryor

Opinions about what constitutes good taste in humor are as varied as sex acts between consenting adults. However, humor has so many forms, it’s easy to avoid words that might offend the audience. X-rated material only works in venues such as comedy clubs, movies, and cable shows. There are just as many “clean” synonyms for hard-core words as there are for a man’s penis. A humorist’s language should be appropriate to the specific audience. There is a comedic axiom: Insult only ugly people and ignoramuses. Who’s going to come up and complain, “Hey, man, I’m an ignoramus”?

There are three instances when professional writers should work very hard to avoid hard-core words.

When it is the definition rather than the shock of the word that sparks the humor, the soft-core word can be just as funny.

Young man to drug store clerk: “Do you handle condoms?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, wash your hands, I want a ham sandwich.”

The soft-core word is acceptable to a wider range of audiences. Therefore, it’s more commercial—if earning money is an important consideration.

My husband’s idea of oral sex is talking about himself.

Soft-core may suggest the act and encourage the audience to fill in the blanks. Then, who can complain about the language?

When doctors tell us that our teens were our peak sexual period, we feel bad that we let so many good years slip between our fingers.

Shock humor has its place, but it’s often the easy way out or is simply unnecessary. Many humorists also believe that shock humor dilutes the quality of their work. As Jerry Seinfeld observed, “For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.”

More important, shock humor has limited marketability. If you plan to sell your writing, you should recognize that most markets call for PG—or at most PG-13—material. You might have a gift for using obscenities, but that skill will not translate into profitability. If you don’t believe us, then we don’t give a doo-doo.

The Writing Lab: Are You a Redneck?

Jeff Foxworthy’s signature line, You might be a redneck if … is always followed by an exaggerated punch line.

You might be a redneck if the Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You might be a redneck if your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side.

Foxworthy’s commercial success is partly due to his aversion of shock humor. Although he occasionally uses R-rated material, he has a broad multigenerational audience because he exaggerates without crossing the line. Try to provide the exaggerated last words of the following possible conclusions to the setup You might be a redneck if … Compare your efforts with Foxworthy’s at the end of the chapter.

You might be a redneck if …

… you think the last words to The Star-Spangled Banner are …

… your front porch collapses and …

… you think watching professional wrestling is …

… you go to your family reunions looking for …

… on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide …

… your child’s first words were …

… you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with …

… the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is …

… you can’t marry your sweetheart because …

The Writing Lab: Answers

Here are the pros’ exaggeration jokes.

My father was so cheap. For Easter, we’d wear the same clothes, but he’d take us to a different church.

—A.J. Jamal

My town was so little, when I was a kid we used to play Monopoly on it.

—Donna Jean Young

My childhood was so bleak, I wanted to stick my head in my Easy Bake oven.

—Mary O’Halloran

I dye my hair so much, my driver’s license has a color wheel.

—Nancy Mura

I have so much cybersex, my baby’s first words will be You’ve got mail!”

—Paulara Hawkins

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free Seeing Eye dog.

—Wendy Liebman

Here are the conclusions for the redneck jokes.

You might be a redneck if …

… you think the last words to The Star-Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

… your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

… you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

… you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

… on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

… your child’s first words were “Attention Kmart shoppers!”

… you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

… the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at, Diphead?”

… you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Recap

Effective humor is truth based, so the key to maximizing comedic potential is striking a balance between realism and exaggeration. There can be too much distortion—the audience must understand the connection between the truth and the exaggeration. There’s also a time and place for shock humor, and we’re not fucking exaggerating.

Chapter 9

Brainstorming and Editing

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

—Steve Martin

Like most creative people, humor writers spend a lot of time looking for the right figure of speech. Occasionally the blank “I’m thinking” gaze progresses to the comatose state known as writer’s block. Unfortunately humor writers can not only suffer from writer’s block, but also from humor block: unavoidable moments when the comedic juices stop flowing.

Even when a writer’s imagination is going full steam, the rule of ten in, nine out applies: For every ten jokes written, only one might be acceptable. The high ratio of successful to unsuccessful jokes explains why most late-night talk shows, such as The Tonight Show and Late Night, employ teams of gag writers. A five-minute monologue may be written by as many as six writers. As comedian Marty Feldman overstated, “Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.”

In this chapter, we’ll explore “natural” ways to jump-start the creative process. We’ll describe how to create a workplace and mind-set that fosters funny. Then, we’ll explore brainstorming methods and editing techniques to reveal even more funny.

Write drunk; edit sober.

—Ernest Hemingway

A Humor Writing Playroom

A playful mentality is critical to writing humor. If you worry about the process or whether your writing is funny, then you will never fulfill your goal. Remember, the mantra from chapter one: “Nothing sucks. Nothing does suck.”

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

—Frank Zappa

Play is the antithesis of overthinking and self-censorship. Being playful is both a skill and a habit, and if not practiced, the ability will be lost. The best ways to nourish your funny bone are to create a playful work space and immerse yourself in funny.

A playful work space encourages creativity and allows the mind to wander. Successful companies recognize that playfulness promotes productivity. Zappos’s core values include “creating fun and a little weirdness,” while the CEO of Cartoon Network peddles around company grounds on an oversize tricycle. As Steve Jobs observed, “You cannot mandate productivity; you must provide the tools to let people become their best.”

Look around your writing space. Is it fun to be in? Does it promote creativity? To make your work space more fun, try incorporating some of the following:

a herd of figurines (Barbie, G.I. Joe) to keep you company as you write

walls painted with chalkboard or dry-erase paint

a tackle box of fun gadgets (rubber band guns, yo-yos)

art materials such as finger paints and Play-Doh

a humor bulletin board

a Lego play area

cute desk accessories (voodoo doll pin holder, Gecko tape dispenser)

funny hats, silly clothing items, and the mandatory fake-nose glasses

wall posters of comedies and TV characters

activity gadgets (basketball hoop, Nerf guns, desktop catapult)

Like a fingerprint, everyone’s ideal playful work space is unique. Find your own inspiration with websites like Pinterest and create an area that maximizes your creativity.

A playful mentality should also extend beyond your work space to your tech devices. On your phone’s home screen, replace the dull, obligatory family photo with a whimsical picture, like Bart Simpson or SpongeBob. Instead of designating the Weather Channel as your browser’s home page, use a humorous website like Funny or Die. On your e-reader, download something amusing instead of the 297th James Patterson novel.

In addition to surrounding yourself with fun, humor immersion is critical. That includes daily exposure to comedy, such as watching sitcoms, reading cartoons, or listening to funny podcasts. It also means being around funny people and doing fun things. And many humorists keep a daily diary to collect every funny idea.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

—Steven Wright

Establishing a playful work space and mentality helps prevent humor block and writer’s block. If you’re still having trouble, integrate the following warm-up and brainstorming techniques into your writing routine.

Warm-Up

Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us get up and go to work.

—Stephen King

A humorist’s funny bone is like an athlete’s muscles or a singer’s vocal cords. It works best when it’s warmed up first. Humor lecturer Art Gliner starts his seminars with a POW association exercise. He has attendees write down words that might describe how tired professionals, such as firefighters and police, feel when they get home at night. For example:

Firefighter

burned up

alarmed

torched

fired up

like a plugged nickel

steamed

like a ladder day saint

not too hot

like he had made an ash of himself

Police Officer

beat

flat-footed

half-cocked

run down

blue

shot

charged

holed up

badgered

it was a riot

that’s the ticket

Dogcatcher

muzzled

bone tired

bitchy

run down

pooped

hounded

licked

dog tired

collared

the paws that refreshes

Gardener

hosed

potted

plowed under

bogged down

bushed

raked over

mulched

dug up

seedy

all wet

rocky

Warm-up exercises, like the POW association activity, help create a playful mind-set that will maximize your funny potential. It’s a good habit to begin each writing session with ten to twenty minutes of brain-stretching exercises. You can use the following high-octane warm-up exercises to fuel your comedic imagination.

Write a funny …

letter to the IRS defending an outrageous deduction

set of directions for using a common personal hygiene product (soap, toothpaste)

application letter for an unusual job (mortician, proctologist)

“I’m out of the office” e-mail message

top ten list of your pet peeves

list of new cable TV networks or shows

weather forecast

obit for roadkill

travel guide for your local neighborhood

insurance policy, will, or tax return

scene for a silent film

movie, play, or music review

set of fake news headlines

list of new car models

short story of your worst dating experience

roast for yourself, family members, or pet

short story about how turkeys feel on Thanksgiving

fairy tale about animals with mental disorders

song or poem

guide for parenting

dress code for the office or home

Facebook profile

set of captions for old family photos

Brainstorming: Listing

The concept of listing seems simple enough: You break down a topic of your choice into groups of related activities and then create smaller and smaller subgroups. The four-step brainstorming technique is the same for any writing assignment. For this example, let’s imagine you need to write material on golf.

Step One: List groups and subgroups. The first step is to chart the subject. On paper, divide the main subject into different headings. The subsections for golf could include equipment, course, golf play, and players. Now, add as many subheads as you can think of, and keep adding to the list every time you have another idea. Don’t censor yourself. The quantity of ideas is important here; quality comes later.

Golf Equipment

Under golf equipment you might list:

argyle socks

bag

ball washer

balls

caddy

cap

cart

clothes

clubs

flag

glasses

gloves

hats

head covers

lucky ball

optic yellow

pencil

rake

scorecard

shoes

socks

spikes

tees

towels

Now break down the subhead “clubs” even further:

drivers

woods

irons

wedge

putter

Even the woods and the irons can be listed by numeric designation: two wood, nine iron, etc. And that’s only category one—golf equipment.

Golf Course

Now do the same with category two, golf course.

apron

ball wash

bunker

clubhouse

country club

divots

dogleg

driving range

eighteen-hole course

fairway

green

groundskeeper

lake

locker room

men’s tee

nine-hole course

nineteenth hole

out of bounds

practice

rough

sandtrap

shower

trees

water hazard

women's tee

woods

Golf Play

And now category three, golf play:

birdie

bogie

championship

chip

double bogie

drop ball

eagle

“fore”

foursome

handicap

hole in one

hook

lost balls

mulligan

par

play through

pro-am

score

shank

skyball

slice

stroke

tournaments

trophy

Golf Players

Finally, category four, golf players:

amateurs

betting

bragging

cheating

curses

disgust

double up

duffer

exercise

expense

fanatics

foursome

hackers

hobby

hooker

hustler

lessons

Nassau

opponents

pair

partners

pros

sandbagger

slicer

Step Two: List clichés. The next part of the chart is a comprehensive list of clichés or POWs associated with each entry. For example, in category one (golf equipment) you could list:

Clubs

got a new set of clubs

he hit a three-hundred-yarder

make a six-footer

Practice swing

she knows how to putt

Balls

they’ve gotcha by the balls

kiss his balls for good luck

she addressed the ball

he lost his balls

keep your eye on the ball

don’t stand too close to the ball

hit a pair of beautiful balls

Bag

that’s not his bag

she’s a bag lady

in the bag

And in category two, golf course, a list of cliché expressions might include:

name of the game

how many strokes per round

let’s play a round

great way to meet people

she gave the caddy a tip

a rich man’s sport

In category three, golf play, and category four, golf players, you might include:

he knows the score

it was a playable lie

it’s a gimme

she got out of the trap

I lie three

he’s a poor sport

she moved heaven and earth

what’s par for the hole?

that shot was a prayer

she shoots in the low seventies

he’s a scratch player

he’s a hooker

she’s a slicer

she’s a weekend hacker

the woods are full of them

he got out of a hole

he got distance off the tee

how do you like the greens?

Step Three: Add the POW. As you read over the list, you can already see many humor possibilities, particularly with double entendres. Now is the time to list double entendres, synonyms, antonyms, and homonyms that have a connection with golf. Here’s a sample list.

a six-footer

bag

ball

ball wash

birdie

game

handicap

hole

hole in one

hooker

lie

long ball hitter

lost ball

lucky ball

make

nine holes

out of bounds

play

play through

putt

rough

score

scratch

slicer

socks

sport

stroke

swing

tip

trap

Synonyms

away = longest distance

bar = nineteenth hole

club = sticks

drive = tee-off

gimme = concede

good shot = beauty

green = carpet

hat = cap

lake = drink

locker room = showers

oath = curse

par = scratch

putt = tap

tip = gift

Antonyms

birdie = bogie

country club = public links

eagle = double bogie

flubbed = on the nose

hold head down = hold head up

lost ball = found ball

match play = lowest score

men’s tee = women’s tee

opponent = partner

play = practice

stand close = stand away

tip = advice

wager = friendly game

Homonyms

fore = four, for, foreplay, foursome

course = enter course (sign), intercourse, curse

play a round = play around

caddy = caddy (Cadillac)

seventies (score) = seventies (Fahrenheit temperature)

putts = putz

Step Four: Create the jokes. Use your research to come up with golf material. Constantly review and re-review the lists to stimulate ideas and write as many jokes as possible. The professional writes three times what’s needed, rewrites, discards, rewrites some more, then finally settles on the ones that work best for that specific audience.

The Writing Lab: Fore

Listing seems like an awful lot of labor just to create a few one-liners. Well, it is. No humor writer will deny that generating associations can be laborious, time-consuming, and frustrating. However, when your creative juices are not flowing, listing is the best way to examine a topic from every possible angle.

Write a few jokes based on the golf lists above. For this exercise, let’s stick with just one scenario—the dialogue between a really bad golfer and caddy—so we can concentrate on humor technique. Compare your jokes to the ones at the end of the chapter.

Brainstorming: More Humor Block Beaters

Here are four more tools for busting through humor block.

Work backwards. Create the last line—the punch line—first. Then write the anecdote or setup that best prepares the audience for the punch line. For instance, you might accidentally discover a unique literal interpretation of a cliché (which can happen easily when you accidentally make a whittle typo). But creating setups isn’t easy; you might try half a dozen before the best one is apparent. Then you may spend hours changing words and paring the joke down, whittle by whittle. To get out of the habit of starting with the setup, take a trip to a greeting card store and read some of the humorous cards backwards. Start with the inside (the punch line) of the card, and then guess the line on the outside (the setup).

Look for opposites. One key method of creating surprise is associating two dissimilar things. Choose a topic, then brainstorm for people, places, things, phrases, clichés, and words that are dissimilar to this topic.

Talk instead of write. Put down the pen and start talking out loud. Use a voice recorder to capture ideas, which may come faster than you can write.

Imagine instead of writing. Albert Einstein recognized that the mind’s visual powers greatly exceed its verbal abilities, and he used visualization to discover many of his famous theories. Whenever you need to kick-start your imagination, close your eyes and let your mind create a mental movie of you telling jokes to a receptive audience.

Editing

It is perfectly okay to write garbage—as long as you edit brilliantly.

—C.J. Cherryh

It takes a good deal of testing to create a joke with a surprise ending. So much so that jokes aren’t written—they’re rewritten. Precision and brevity help make a surprise ending effective. A well-constructed joke does the following:

uses as few words as possible

does not reveal key words in the setup

saves the funniest word for the end

When you write humor, your first draft can be as long as you wish. The second draft should cut every nonessential phrase. The final draft should cut every nonessential word. No machine has needless parts, and no good comedy routine has needless words. Your mantra should be: Make every word work.

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

—Winston S. Churchill

As you’re revising, trim down redundant phrases—such as old adage, exact same, really essential, continue on, four short years, absolutely necessary, advance planning, brief respite, future plans, and interact with each other—to the one necessary word.

If surprise is home plate, good humor writing runs the bases as fast as possible. Brent Forrester called this the “Humor and Duration Principle,” which, simply put, states that the less time you take to get to the joke, the funnier the joke will be. Embellishing a setup or punch line diminishes the funniness of a joke—professionals call the use of too many words in a punch line frosting the flake or stacking the wack. Normal speech is clocked at two and a half words per second, so if you can erase just twenty needless words from your final draft, you’ll save eight seconds that will help keep your audience alert.

Let’s analyze three different endings to the same joke. Which would you select as the most effective?

He was complimented when the editor called his work sophomoric because he had flunked out of college his first year.

He had flunked out of college in his sophomore year, so he was complimented whenever anybody called his work sophomoric.

He had flunked out of college in his freshman year, so he was complimented whenever anybody called his work sophomoric.

The first joke is less effective because, after you’ve written sophomoric, the surprise goes past the payoff window. The second joke loses its punch because the word sophomore in the middle of the sentence foreshadows the surprise word, sophomoric, at the end. The last joke works best, because the surprise word—sophomoric—is held to the last instant.

If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.

—Elmore Leonard

The constant attention to editing may seem extensive, but the construction of a joke is as important as its content. Word economy and holding the surprise until the end are two major characteristics of a well-written joke, and humor writers spend considerable time ensuring that they maintain those characteristics.

Consider the following example.

First Draft

On the road into town there was a sign in an empty field that said, “Three miles ahead, lots for sale.” So I went to the location, but to my surprise, there was nothing there.

At two and a half words per second, the audience has to wait four seconds between hearing about the sign and getting to the punch line. This period is too long and asks too much of the audience.

Second Draft

I saw this sign: “Lots for sale.” And when I went there, I must have been too late, because there was nothing there.

This joke still contains too much unimportant information.

Final Draft

I saw this sign: “Lots for sale.” But there was nothing there.

The Writing Lab: Word Economy

In many literary forms, embellishment might enrich a piece; but when writing humor, less is better. A joke is not a short story. It’s a small story—often a single-sentence story—told in as few words as possible.

Be obscure clearly.

—E.B. White

Beginning writers tend to fluff up a joke with needless words, while professionals constantly rewrite jokes to remove unnecessary words, especially in the punch line. The following Mitch Hedberg joke is a picture of such high-impact shrinkage.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

To illustrate fluffing a joke, take Hedberg’s joke and reduce the punch of the POW by adding extra verbiage to the punch line. Write three fluffed alternative taglines and compare your embellished jokes to the ones at the end of the chapter.

Now, aggressively edit some of the jokes you have written. Your goal is to avoid extra words and get to the joke as soon as possible. To achieve this, remove any unneeded words. Then identify the funniest word or phrase in each punch line, and if any words appear after the funniest part, rewrite the joke to get rid of them. Finally, make sure that key words that might telegraph the surprise ending are not used in the setup.

For more practice, aggressively edit one of your favorite funny stories. How can it be even more effective?

The Writing Lab: Answers

The following are classic golfer-caddy exchanges.

Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.

Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a five iron?

Caddy: Eventually.

Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break one hundred on this course.

Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?

Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

Golfer: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score?

Caddy: Yes, quit on hole seventeen!

Golfer: I hit two beautiful balls today.

Caddy: The only way you could do that, sir, would be to step on a rake.

Each of the following alternative taglines delivers the same general idea as the Hedberg joke, but the punch of the POW is lost in the verbiage.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know if I should protest it with a sign or whatever.

I’m against picketing, but I’m not exactly sure what ways to demonstrate it.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to let other people know that I’m against it.

Recap

Brainstorming and editing generate multiple options for humor, thereby improving the chances of uncovering funny. These techniques can be time-consuming, and most of the items you work with will be discarded, but brainstorming and editing are nonetheless invaluable tools for writing humor. It also explains why humor writers are better at wordplay than foreplay.

Part Three

Writing Humor For Specific Markets

Chapter 10

Testing, Testing, One, Two, Three: Writing Humor for Speeches

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

—G.B. Trudeau

The first humor performance most young people attempt to deliver is a speech. Newscaster David Brinkley once commented that we are reaching the point where there are more people willing to give luncheon speeches than are willing to listen to them.

A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow, this ranked even higher than death, which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Nevertheless, speechmaking continues to be more popular than ever. In this electronic society, in which so much information comes to us via the Internet, social media, and instant messaging, there still seems to be a need to get out from behind our desks and communicate in person with groups of other people.

We make the time for it. The number of luncheon clubs, service clubs, and social, political, and religious organizations—all looking for entertaining speakers—continues to grow. Event planners still think of speeches first when scheduling programs for organizations.

I sometimes marvel at the extraordinary docility with which Americans submit to speeches.

—Adlai E. Stevenson

According to the old saying, all of us are ignorant—just about different subjects. The corollary is that each of us can be an expert at something—or at least know more than the other people in the room—so we’re qualified to talk about it. But that’s only half the story. Speakers are selected just as much for their ability to know how to say things. This hasn’t changed in 150 years. In the late nineteenth century, British politician John Morley wrote: “Three things matter in a speech. Who says it, how he says it, and what he says. And of the three, the last matters the least.”

There are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave. The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave.

—Dale Carnegie

Speeches provide a good opportunity to test comedy material, and humor writers will often accept small speaking engagements just to test public reaction. If George Carlin had not plunged into stand-up comedy, he could have made his fame as a great speechwriter. After his wife died, he wrote a 1,500-word homily on the need for people to cherish their moments together. In this essay, he used several formulas and techniques—such as play-on-words, triples, and reverses—that are effective in both serious and humorous speeches. Here is a small part.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious moment. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Whether you are writing a speech for yourself or for a client, there are five areas in the speech in which humor can be important.

the title

the introduction of the speaker

the introductory remarks

the body of the speech

the closing remarks

The Title: Getting ’Em into the Hall

The title of a speech is far more important than most writers believe. The title not only indicates the subject, but also attracts attention when listed in advance publicity; sometimes it can prompt press coverage. Then, when the MC announces the title during the event, the title sets the mood for the audience. The audience is ever hopeful that the next speech they hear will be far better than the last one. That’s why experienced MCs often thank the previous speaker then add, “And now, we’ve got a special treat for you. Our next speaker …” (After all, you wouldn’t want the MC to say, “Well, folks, you’ve heard the best, now on to the rest.”)

The last time I made a speech, the program chair asked me to talk about the serious problems resulting from sex between faculty and students. But my wife doesn’t like the subject, so I told her I was going to talk about the problems with too much air travel. Well, the sex speech got a good reception. And the next day, the wife of a member of the audience met my wife in the supermarket and she said, “I heard Bill made a very good speech last night. He must be an expert on the subject.”

And my wife said, “Oh, no. He’s only tried it twice. The first time, he lost his bag, and the second time he got sick to his stomach.”

Even if the speech is on a serious topic—politics, the economy, business, or education—a humorous twist in the title will increase interest and attendance. As in the following examples, the best titles should be eye-catching, original, and interesting.

A Saudi, an Indian, and an Iranian Walk Into a Qatari Bar ...

—Maz Jobrani

I Got 99 Problems ... Palsy Is Just One

—Maysoon Zayid

Hooked by an Octopus

—Mike deGruy

The Writing Lab: Get Ahead with Ted

Before attempting speechwriting, explore the profession and its available markets. Professional organizations include the National Speakers Association (www.nsaspeaker.org), Toastmasters International (www.toastmasters.org), and The Executive Speaker Company (www.executivespeakers.com).

The best resource for reviewing public speaking and speechwriting is TED (www.ted.com). TED began as a conference (Technology, Entertainment, and Design) and is now a clearinghouse for spreading ideas. The speeches are brief, typically under ten minutes, and cover dozens of topics in more than one hundred languages.

Review the TED website and complete the following.

Make a top ten list of funny speech titles.

Listen to several dozen speeches. Listening to speeches, rather than watching them, allows you to focus on speech content instead of delivery.

Read the speech text that accompanies each talk to get a feel for style, pacing, and content.

Read the reviewer comments of the best- and worst-rated speeches. Identify what makes a speech great or lame.

Listen to some of the poorly evaluated speeches to get a sense of the “don’ts” of speechwriting.

The Speaker’s Introduction: Hold On to Your Seats

A humorous introduction can humanize the speaker and put the audience at ease. Don’t let some inept MC start your speech off on the wrong footnotes. (Who remembers any facts from a detailed bio lifted from Who’s Who?) To give an introduction true character and spark, write it yourself. Several days in advance, ask the MC if an introduction has already been written for you. If so, suggest that yours contains some humor that may help make the introduction more fun. MCs always respond positively to that suggestion since they’d like to say a few funny lines, too. Don’t be timid. You and the MC will be the only ones who’ll know who wrote your introduction.

Nothing helps you to be a better listener than knowing you’re going to be the next one called to the podium.

Look at how Mark Twain chose to introduce himself before a public speech.

Ladies and gentlemen: The next lecture in this course will be delivered this evening by Samuel L. Clemens, a gentlemen whose high character and unimpeachable integrity are only equaled by his comeliness of person and grace of manner.

And I am the man!

I was obliged to excuse the chairman from introducing me, because he never compliments anybody and I knew I could do it just as well.

The Writing Lab: Who Am I?

Write a one-paragraph introduction that summarizes your professional experience. The introduction should connect to the speech title, prepare the audience for the content of the speech, and explain why you are qualified to give the speech. Include humor in the introduction but not at the expense of minimizing your qualifications.

Introductory Remarks

After the flattering introduction, you can take the stage and charm the audience with acknowledgments like this wordplay.

I’m sorry my father and mother aren’t here. My father would have loved it, and my mother would have believed it.

A little self-deprecating humor always helps.

I was flattered by our toastmaster’s introduction. The hardest thing for a speaker to remember is to not nod his head in agreement when the toastmaster praises him.

Although you want to display a little humility, it’s important not to go overboard. The audience gets suspicious of those too pious. Former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir once said to a colleague after an introduction: “Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.”

I feel very much more at ease speaking here than I did at the last luncheon. They had a sign there that read: “Do not photograph speakers while they are speaking. Shoot them as they approach the platform.”

Even for an experienced professional, a certain amount of anxiety is natural (and even desirable). Anxiety pumps adrenaline into the system and primes performers—including speakers—to do their best. A few funny lines can overcome skepticism from the audience and make them receptive to the speech.

I must admit I am more comfortable behind a desk than I am behind a podium lectern. Let me give you an example. As I was coming into the building today, I decided to go to the washroom and freshen up.

I heard a voice behind me ask, “Mr. Wells? Do you always get nervous before a speech?”

“Why, no,” I said, “not really. Why do you ask?”

And the voice said, “I was just wondering what you were doing in the ladies’ room!”

Here’s a line so overused as a dinner speech opening that it’s become a cliché—and was even the basis for the title of the Broadway musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. It would be easy to recommend that it never be used again, yet—as with so many other rules—there are exceptions.

I had a terrible day. This morning my collar button fell off. On my way here, the handle of my briefcase fell off. You know, I’m afraid to go to the men’s room!

—Larry Wilde

A speaker should never use more than three pieces of humorous material during the introductory remarks. (Remember the rules of three from chapter seven: Never use more than three jokes about one subject in a monologue; three minutes is the ideal length for a skit; don’t exceed three themes in an article. These rules of three often apply to other activities and situations.) And a speaker should never try to act like a pro comic or brag like Stephen Colbert, who gets away with it because that is his character.

The following opener puts a small smile on the lips and a large pain in the stomach.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Speech Content: Everybody’s Entitled to My Opinion

Usually, the easier something reads, the harder it was to write. Public speaking is like writing. Yet, it does come more easily if you have something to say, so it’s important that you never forget why you’re making a speech in the first place.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

—Mark Twain

Don’t sacrifice the message for the sake of the humor. Speechwriters who spend all their time writing funny words would be better off if they put in a few important ideas. Wit is the salt of conversation, not the meat.

The recipe for being a successful after-dinner speaker includes using plenty of shortening.

A good speaker is one who rises to the occasion and then promptly sits down.

A speech, including introductory material, should never take more than twenty minutes. The normal speaking rate is two and a half words per second, and that means a speech should be a maximum of 3,000 words long. TED imposes an eighteen-minute time limit because they recognize the adage, “An immortal speech should not be eternal.” They also realize that almost no one, other than the speaker, complains about a speech being too short.

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

—Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sentences in speeches must be shorter than sentences meant for reading, because the audience members have no chance to reread something they haven’t comprehended. The best length for a sentence in a speech is about fourteen words. This is a good guideline to remember, but you should vary your sentence length to avoid monotony.

Making a Speech Funny

For a humorous speech to be successful in delivering its message in a memorable way, all three of the following ingredients are necessary.

It must be funny.

It must be comfortable for the speaker.

It must be comfortable for the audience.

All three of these items are of equal importance, and each depends on the others in order for the speech to work. After all, if the speaker is uncomfortable, then the audience will be uncomfortable, and the material will come off as stiff and awkward.

Make It Funny

The humor must be funny, and not just funny on paper but performable. Some humor takes a long buildup (that’s out), some requires a dialect (that’s out), and some reformed clichés (puns) contain homonyms that work only on paper (those are out, too). The following puns would be next to impossible to pull off aloud.

Once a knight, always a knight. But once a night is usually enough.

In my day, the little red schoolhouse was all too common. Today, however, it’s the little-read schoolboy who’s all too common.

Jokes and anecdotes should not be read, but should be told while looking out at the audience. If there’s anything a speaker needs to memorize, it’s the humor. It must be delivered confidently, and memorizing it encourages a more accurate rendition.

Once you get people laughing, they’re listening, and you can sell them almost anything.

—Herbert Gardner

Personalize and localize the humor whenever possible, even though many in the audience will know it’s fabricated. Humor, as we’ve already noted, permits the audience to set aside disbelief. No one will stand up and challenge you. Use words like I and last week, and mention local names and places.

President Ronald Reagan usually began each speech—particularly the less formal ones—with self-deprecating humor. For example, when hundreds of school principals and teachers gathered on the South Lawn of the White House for a recognition ceremony, the president’s gag writer gave him a typical Reagan charmer.

Y’know, I’ve been out of school for some time now, but I still get nervous around so many principals.

This opener is also a perfect example of using the right joke for the right audience. This rule should not be a law—it should be a commandment. It’s the embodiment of the comedic MAPP. Reagan would never use the following line in a speech to members of Congress, but it always hit the nail on the head when he used it in speeches to voters.

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I’ve come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

By letting the voice rise on the last word or two of a joke, the speaker can punch up the punch line. It’s the last few words that give the joke life.

I thought I was a good drinker, but I’m nothing compared to Mike. He doesn’t drink when he’s driving, not only because it’s dangerous, but because he might spill some.

Just before lunch, he went up to the bartender and said, “A martini, very dry. In fact, make it about twenty to one.”

The bartender asked, “Shall I put in a twist of lemon?”

And Mike said, “Listen, when I want lemonade, I’ll order lemonade.”

Never apologize. Saying “Here’s something I just dashed off” or “This may not be very funny, but …” sets an expectation that the humor is weak. Also, don’t explain. “See, the guy was an atheist, and …” If you have to explain a joke, don’t use it. And avoid words that are hard to say or that don’t sound good when spoken. The words dejected, appraisingly, and sarcastically read better than they sound, and should be deleted from your speech.

If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time—a tremendous whack.

―Winston S. Churchill

Don’t hesitate to give credit to other professional humorists when using their material. Not only is it courteous, it shows you’re well-read and aren’t afraid to surround yourself with brilliance. And don’t be afraid to use a story you’ve used before.

One day I went to a trial of a guy accused of trying to rob a warehouse, but the police grabbed him when his getaway car stalled. I was seated next to a little old lady in the back of the room who was weeping and repeating, “They never listen. They never listen.”

Being a parent, I tried to comfort her. She turned and said, “If he had only listened to his mother. How I begged him. How I pleaded with him. ‘Get the points checked, get the car overhauled.’”

You can never satisfy 100 percent of an audience with any material, so if you’ve got surefire material that a few audience members may have heard before, don’t hesitate to reuse it. Humorist Robert Orben states that the only old joke he knows is the one told by the previous speaker.

Make the Humor Fit the Speaker

The humor must be comfortable for the speaker (who may be yourself or, if you’re a speechwriter, someone else). Here are just a few dos and don’ts for making sure the material fits the speaker.

You must believe in the importance of the material, because the audience will be able to tell if you don’t. If you don’t care about what you’re saying, why should the audience? Go slowly, but not too slowly, and take pauses so that the speech will sound less rehearsed.

Use self-deprecating humor. The audience appreciates it when—despite a speaker’s title, age, or reputation—the speaker is human. When people comment that someone has a good sense of humor, they mean they can relate to that person.

In addition to one-liners, tell funny anecdotes. This is important, because unlike one-liners, anecdotes add a personalized feel to the material.

Make the Audience Comfortable

The speech and the humor in the speech must be comfortable for the audience. According to columnist Ed Hercer, audiences want each speaker to succeed. They spent time and money to hear you, and they want their just desserts. If the speaker is enthusiastic, they’ll be supportive. But here are a few warnings.

E.B. White once wrote, “Nothing becomes funny by being labeled so.” Therefore, don’t predict humor or give it a preliminary fanfare: “Hey, here’s something funny!” The audience will be thinking, “Just tell us the joke. We’ll decide.”

When you do humor, hecklers seem to feel encouraged to join in. For instance, hecklers might respond to a line like “to make a long story short” with the reply “Toooo late!” And don’t ever say, “I just threw that in,” because some heckler will shout, “Well, you should have thrown it out.”

Technical difficulties are a constant hazard, so you should be prepared for what can go wrong. And hecklers usually take advantage of these types of situations, too. If the mike goes dead and the speaker yells, “Can you hear me in the back?” and someone says “No!” then the heckler will stand up and shout, “Well, I can hear him, and I’ll change places with you.”

If there is a question-and-answer period, don’t reply to the loaded questions of hecklers. First, you’ll be giving them the attention they want. More important, if you answer one, you may find there are fifty more, each with one good line. They will always outnumber you.

According to author Fred Ebel, humor in front of a small audience—ten or twenty people—is very hard to bring off because each individual is afraid to laugh for fear of being conspicuous. The speaker should try to find the one person who’s got a booming laugh, look at him, and even wink at him once or twice. His laughter may be the catalyst that starts the audience laughing. Also, the speaker should get as friendly as possible with the senior officials of the group. People follow the leader. If the boss laughs heartily, it gives them permission to break out.

Let me tell you how I got elected. I was campaigning against the former incumbent, and we were asked to speak at a farm festival. My opponent went first, but just as he was really getting going the rain started. Most of us ran and stood under a tree. But not him. He just kept talking to a few die-hard supporters who were left. Finally, a farmer walked over to me and said, “You certainly proved you’re the smartest. None of us are ever going to vote for anybody who’s too dumb to come in out of the rain.”

The Writing Lab: Where Am I?

Localizing—tailoring material for specific audiences—is an important and common practice for professionals who play on the road or make frequent personal appearances at banquets. The audience wants to know that you care enough to use material personalized for them. You can customize material with the name of a local hotel this way.

A guest at [name of a posh local hotel] called room service. “I want three overdone fried eggs, hard as a rock, some burnt toast that crumbles at first touch, and a cup of black coffee that tastes like mud.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t serve a breakfast like that.”

“No? Well, you did yesterday!”

You can use a similar technique for a local airport.

Passenger to [name of airline] ticket agent: “Ship this bag to New York. This second one to Kansas City, and this third one on your overseas flight to Calcutta.”

“We can’t do that.”

“Well, you did when I was here last time!”

It’s a good idea to keep a file of open-ended jokes that can be completed by inserting the names of local targets. Practice the craft of localizing by writing several opening lines about people, places, and controversial activities in your community.

Closing Remarks: Getting Off Stage With A Standing Ovation

Any speaker can rise to the occasion, but few know when to sit down. The best speeches seem to have a good beginning and a good ending—close together!

During my last speech, I noticed a little old man in a wheelchair. After I stepped down from the podium, I went over to him and thanked him for coming. I said, “And I hope you get better real soon.”

And he said, “After listening to you, I hope you get better, too!”

If possible, never be the last speaker at a conference; if you can’t avoid it, then never speak at length. And end with lines like this one.

It has been my responsibility to speak and yours to listen. I am delighted that we’ve fulfilled our responsibilities at the same time.

Always thank the audience. There is no better exit line.

If I’ve held your interest, this is a good place to stop. And if it’s been a bad speech, then this is a very good place to stop. Thank you.

In conclusion, say “In conclusion.” Next to “I’ll take the check,” this is a dinner audience’s favorite phrase.

In conclusion, I have had a very difficult task. The food has been good, the drinks plentiful, and you have been a wonderful audience. I feel like the preacher who noticed a small boy sitting in the front pew alongside his father, who was nodding off.

Billy,” he said, “wake up your father.”

And the boy said, “Wake him up yourself. You put him to sleep.”

A good salesperson always ends a pitch by asking for the order, and that’s not a bad idea for speakers. Tell the audience what you want them to do: buy a product, donate to a cause, or vote for a person or issue. You can do it with humor, too.

Young boy to family: “I’m going up to say my prayers. Anybody want anything?”

The Writing Lab: Using Your Mapp

By now you’re probably tired of hearing about the importance of your comedic MAPP, especially matching the material with the right audience. You probably think you’ve got it down. Fair enough, then answer this question. What audience would be the most receptive to this joke?

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty-five.”

“No,” says St. Peter, “by our calculations, you’re eighty-two.”

“Impossible,” retorts the lawyer. “How did you calculate that?” 

“It’s all here in black and white,” answers St. Peter. “We added up your time sheets.”

There are four audience choices: (a) consumers, (b) lawyers, (c) corporate executives, or (d) religious leaders. Pick one.

Lawyers would be irritated for being ridiculed, consumers don’t know a great deal about time sheets, and religious leaders have heard this joke a score of times before. The correct answer is corporate executives, who are always suspicious about professional time sheets and overcharges, making them the right audience for this hostile material.

Avoid Bombing: Speechwriting No-Nos

When writing a speech, you should know the reasons why speeches fall flat so you can prevent yourself from tripping in the first place.

Inadequate background research. You need the following information to determine the proper style, tone, content, and humor for the speech.

What is the occasion? (Is it a social event, seminar, conference?)

What is the purpose of the speech? (To entertain, enlighten, persuade?)

Who is the audience? (What will be the audience size, composition, background, and expectations?)

If you are writing for a client, you’ll also need to know the speaker’s professional qualifications, personal experience, and speaking habits.

Boring openings. The audience is most attentive in the first few minutes and will quickly pass judgment on the speech and speaker. As George Jessel noted, “If you haven’t struck oil in the first three minutes—stop boring!”

Information overload. The ideal speech length is twenty minutes, but groups often request talks of forty-five to sixty minutes. Long speeches are usually too detailed, and quickly become monotonous, tedious, and boring. As Thomas Jefferson observed, “Speeches that are measured by the hour will die with the hour.”

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

—Evan Esar

Humorous personal anecdotes, good metaphors, and funny stories and jokes will keep the speech going. It’s also a good idea to use the KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) approach and only focus on a few key points, and to use repetition to reinforce the critical concepts.

Sounds like a speech. The language of speechwriting is different from that in other media. It should be written and performed in correct, colloquial, spoken English. If a sentence is longer than fourteen or so words, edit it down.

Power without a point. PowerPoint is the Charlie Brown of public speaking—it gets blamed for every bad speech. “Death by PowerPoint” is so common that it spawned businesses designed solely to resuscitate lethal presentations.

PowerPoint doesn’t kill meetings. People kill meetings. But, using PowerPoint is like having a loaded AK-47 on the table: You can do very bad things with it.

—Peter Norvig

There are many presentational software programs besides PowerPoint, including Prezi and KeyNote. Yet, the advice for improving presentations is always the same—add humor, such as funny quotes, jokes, and cartoons. Our advice is to ignore that advice.

A computer can’t ad lib, doesn’t have timing, and can’t read an audience. Slide-based presentations are static and cannot be adjusted on the fly. Plus, no card-carrying funny person wants someone else, in this case software, to get credit for her funny. Pros want to hear, “She was funny,” instead of “That was a funny PowerPoint.”

PowerPoint presentations can deliver lots of information but can be unreliable—the screen could be too small, lighting might wash out slides, or the computer glitches. Slides are best used to set up a punch line delivered by the speaker.

The bottom line is that anyone who can click a mouse can have their innermost thoughts blown up to CinemaScope size and plastered across the conference room wall. With PowerPoint, we are all the Tom Cruise of our offices, only not as good looking and much more wacky.

—Bob Goldman

Boring, lame speeches existed for eons before slide presentations—PowerPoint simply magnifies bad public speaking. If you’re going to use presentational software, we suggest first writing and practicing a speech without a slideshow. That will remind you that content is more important than form.

The Writing Lab: Today I’m Going To Speak About

Compose a five-minute speech following the guidelines described in the previous sections. Include funny remarks in the opening, make just three key points, and conclude with a humorous ending.

Recap

Whether writing a speech for yourself or someone else, public speaking is one of the best ways to field-test your material. Begin with freebies for community groups and local organizations. After you develop a “stock” speech, contact a local speakers bureau and request a listing in their catalog. The agencies will help with marketing and booking your speech. And never leave home without your comedic MAPP.

Chapter 11

Print Humor: Columns, Articles, Greeting Cards, and Abbreviated Humor

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.

—Leo Rosten

Magazine and newspaper editors are demanding more levity in their publications. Even in serious nonfiction pieces, they’re anxious to lighten the load with humor. They realize there are few new stories, so they’re looking for new ways of telling an old story. They also recognize that their readers want more humor. Studies show that the two most popular newspaper editorial features are both humorous—the editorial cartoon and the humor column.

Writing a humor column beats honest work. It leaves mornings free for other projects, such as writing rare books. In my case, the books are extremely rare.

—Art Hoppe

This chapter describes humor-writing techniques for columns, articles, greeting cards, and abbreviated humor. Print humor that appears electronically, including blogging, tweeting, and texting, is discussed in the next chapter.

Columns

Journalists call it the toy department—the editorial columns of a newspaper. Reporters dream about getting their own columns. “If the editorial column is the land of Utopia,” wrote writer Ed Cohen, “then the humor column is its capital city.”

For some time, the two most popular syndicated columns in newspapers were the personal-advice columns written under the fictional names Abigail Van Buren and Ann Landers, both of whom were read as much for their humor as for their advice. For many years, the next in popularity were the four Bs: Erma Bombeck, Art Buchwald, Russell Baker, and Dave Barry. Recently the high court of humor columnists included Molly Ivins, Dan Zevin, Gene Weingarten, and Bruce Cameron.

The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn’t require any.

—Russell Baker

The average columnist works under deadline several times a week. Humor columns average 500 words and rarely exceed 700. Humor columnists cannot make the reporter’s standard excuse—that it was a slow news day. Hence, they frequently concentrate on the beat they know best: themselves. And humor columns often have a second life—Cameron’s columns were the source of several best-selling books, including Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter and A Dog’s Purpose.

Some columnists work in rhyme, and nothing could be verse than that! This four-liner by Don Marquis, titled “Nothing to It,” refers to his humor column.

I do not work in verse or prose,

I merely lay out words in rows.

The household words that Webster penned—

I merely lay them end-to-end.

Russell Baker once ridiculed the Internal Revenue Service with a "Taxpayer’s Prayer,” a parody in the form of Biblical text.

O mighty Internal Revenue, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments which multiplieth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.

But verse or prose, column humor comes in five forms.

the anecdote

the one-line joke

overstatement

understatement

ironic truth

The Anecdote

Humor in print demands a lighter touch than verbal humor. According to Roy Paul Nelson in his book Articles and Features, a light touch simply means a relaxed writing style—but not so relaxed it ends up cute. Rejection slips from editors often mention that an article could have used anecdotes to illustrate generalizations. Generalizations include adjectives like frugal, tough, fast thinking, and horny.

There are two types of anecdotes: (a) a one-paragraph tale of simple humor, and (b) a short, short story, rarely more than three paragraphs. Both types of anecdotes breathe life into any article and can either precede or follow a generalization.

All anecdotes should:

sound true, or at least realistic

describe a common situation

start off with an attention-getting opening line

end with a one-line, witty response

Here are examples of short and long anecdotes. Note how they both have the characteristics mentioned above.

Short Anecdote

These days, ask a child a simple question, better be prepared for a very honest answer. I was babysitting my six-year-old granddaughter the other night and when we sat down for dinner, I asked, “Nyika, at home do you pray before every meal?” And she said, “No, grandpa, we don’t have to. Mom is a great cook!”

Longer Anecdote

As I was walking across campus yesterday, I saw one of my blind students, Troy, being led by his seeing-eye dog to the campus gate.

I followed closely behind because I was curious to see how the dog would get Troy safely across the street. At the busy corner, they came to a stop when the light turned red. Then, as soon as it turned green, the dog lifted his leg and urinated over Troy’s pants.

I watched in amazement as Troy bent down and called the dog over and patted him on his head. Then, he reached in his breast pocket and took out a biscuit and put it in the dog’s mouth.

I couldn’t help saying, “Troy, that was the kindest act I’ve ever seen.”

“Kind, hell,” retorted Troy, “I just wanted to find out where his head was so I could kick him in the ass.”

—Mel Helitzer

Ultimately it’s more important for anecdotes to be humorous than to be true. Writers shade facts and edit true stories to save the punch line for last. When stories are made up, the readers should not be clued with lines like “This story may be apocryphal, but. …” (Few readers know that word, anyway.)

Some anecdotes are obviously fictional; others may need a disclaimer. (But if you start with “One day, God, Jesus, and Moses were playing golf,” don’t bother using a disclaimer.)

Three baseball umpires were arguing. Said the first, “I call balls and strikes exactly the way they come.” (This man was an objectivist.)

Said the second, “I can’t do that. I call them balls or strikes the way I see them.” (This man was a subjectivist.)

But the third had ideas of his own. “They are neither balls nor strikes until I call them.” (He was an existentialist.)

—Nels F.S. Ferre

The One-Line Joke

One-liners are the backbone of humor writing. In print humor, one-liners inject humor without detracting from the message of the article or column.

It’s important to remember that a joke is written differently for the printed page than it is for a performer. Columns and articles use a high percentage of cliché-inspired aphorisms. The printed page also permits more use of puns and double entendres, because homonyms are more understandable in writing.

A pastor said to his congregation: To meet our budget deficit, I ask all of you to consider giving 10 percent of your income. Frankly, your church is fit to be tithed.

—Herm Albright

You’ll find double entendres and puns all over the editorial pages. Puns are also a staple of newspaper headlines and photo captions. Within hours after a humpback whale got lost and mistakenly swam sixty miles up the Sacramento River into the middle of California, editors and T-shirt designers were having “a whale of a time.” And when a luxury car fell into a giant pothole in Columbus, Ohio, even the South China Morning Post in Hong Kong ran the picture with the caption: “The hole truth—Mercedes bends.”

A skilled columnist can turn an average one-liner into a thought-provoking observation—on life, children, spouses, even sports. Erma Bombeck filled her column “Wits End” with clever truisms that are as sharp today as they were when she first wrote them.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I’ve ever seen that I didn’t have to clean.

Columnist Dave Barry was the king of pithy observations.

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Overstatement

Russell Baker was a cynic who saw the world as it was, instead of as it should have been. In his column “An Idea That Must Be Unfolded Now,” Baker used exaggeration to describe an early success of his “National Bumbershoot Academy.”

The pattern is familiar to us all. If you rise on a rainy morning and go to the closet for your umbrella, you find the umbrella gone. Usually it has gone to the office. If you go to the office on a clear morning, and it rains in the afternoon and you go to the closet for your umbrella, what do you find? Your umbrella is gone. Most cases it has gone home.

Another example of overstatement was Baker’s attack on the Super Bowl, the Miss America pageant, and the Academy Awards as three American religious rituals.

They are utterly boring, meaningless, pointless, and whatever happens doesn’t make a goddamn bit of difference to anything that is going to happen tomorrow. But when they run, the whole country comes together in some kind of great national town meeting.

Understatement

Art Buchwald’s ironic humor was so understated, the uninitiated reader often thought he was deadly serious. After the attorney general published a report recommending action against pornography, Buchwald wrote:

I’d like to volunteer my services. One of my greatest fantasies has been to censor magazines and send those who sell them to jail. … My qualifications? I’ve read many of the magazines the pornography commission finds objectionable. Secondly, I know exactly where in the store such reading materials are kept. … I have done a lot of dry runs since the report was published. I know how to distinguish between literature with no redeeming value, as opposed to magazines, which are just trying to give me a cheap thrill.

The Writing Lab: Write A Column

Erma Bombeck’s legacy continues via the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, held biennially at the University of Dayton. The conference is dedicated to the profession of humor writing and features workshops led by famous humorists. Its website (humorwriters.org) is a comprehensive humor-writing resource with articles, links, marketing tips, and writing contests.

Select one of the five humor-writing techniques for columns, and compose a five hundred word humorous column. Write about the subject, not yourself.

Articles

When writing jokes, you just want to be funny. When writing a humorous article, you want to inform and educate in a humorous way. Humor is appropriate in both of the following situations.

The subject of the article is a person known for humor. This makes humor in the article almost mandatory. The trick to profiling a humorist is to avoid trying to upstage the subject by forcing your own humor into the article. This is especially risky when you are writing about humor professionals who’ve spent many years perfecting their lines, because you’ve got only a few days to perfect yours. You’re bound to come off looking second-rate. Make use of the great lines the subject has created. Don’t rewrite and don’t compete.

The subject matter is serious, but it can be made funny. Some article topics are inherently funny: a dog who sings along to rock music. Others are serious but can be treated in a humorous manner: an old lady who rides a motorcycle. It’s obviously easier to produce humor when the subject itself is humorous, as is the case in the first example. The humor for the second type of subject, however, must be gentle, reassuring, and predictable. It should celebrate ordinary events in a new way. It should bring a smile of recognition instead of a hearty laugh. Its success is based upon genuineness of feeling and clarity of writing.

Four basic premises of writing: clarity, brevity, simplicity, and humanity.

—William Zinsser

Even very serious subjects are more memorable when some humor is mixed in. In serious articles, humor works best as an opener. You can suck the reader into the story faster with a good anecdote. You’ll find examples of this technique every day in front-page features in the Wall Street Journal. A humorous anecdote also works well as a sign-off.

Greeting Cards: Humor in the Mail

Even if your artistic skills are limited to stick figures, you can still work with visual humor. For the professional gag writer, greeting card humor is no different from the basic one-liner—a play on words (POW), a reverse, exaggeration, or takeoff. The outside of the greeting card is the setup, and the inside of the card is the punch line.

I squirrel away sealed greeting cards that people give me so I can open them later when I'm having a bad day.

—Emily Proctor

Personal sentiments, such as love and sympathy, have been incorporated into American greeting cards since the 1870s. When telephones became popular, there was fear in the greeting card industry that these brief missives would be one of Ma Bell’s first victims. Au contraire!

Letter writing is down, and e-card usage is up, yet greeting card sales continue to skyrocket. Americans purchase approximately six billion cards annually. And that’s not a typo. Annual retail sales of greeting cards exceeds seven billon dollars. Forbes once estimated that half of all personal mail is preprinted greeting cards—you can’t put an e-card or a text message on the mantle.

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

—P. J. O’Rourke

What is significant for the world of humor writing is that every year buyers are willing to spend billions of dollars to have someone else write a funny (albeit mass-produced) message for one of their dear relatives or friends. This means that greeting card companies are a highly desirable market for budding humor writers. If you think receiving a greeting card is heartwarming, think how you’ll feel receiving heartwarming checks for writing them!

Greeting card humor is often based on a classic cliché gag. The opening (outside) is most frequently a cliché. The payoff line (inside) is a takeoff, often another reformed cliché.

Outside: You’re the cat’s meow.

Inside: Purrfect in every way.

Or the text may consist of a POW.

Outside: You not only light up my life,

Inside: you light up the whole darned world.

For freelancers attempting to sell their humor to greeting card companies, there are six steps to follow.

Take a Field Trip. Go to all your local card shops because most small retailers carry only one brand. It’s essential research. Read the back of each card to get acquainted with the styles of the different publishers. Many of the large companies like Hallmark do not accept unsolicited material from freelancers, so pay extra attention to cards from small, independent publishers.

I'm interested in humor, and greeting cards just happen to be a perfect medium for my message. They're accessible to everyone, and thanks to all the advances that have been made by environmentally conscientious printers, I can get my message across while keeping my carbon footprint relatively small.

—Anne Taintor

You can obtain writing and submission guidelines for most card companies by checking their websites. The mechanics of sending out freelance material for consideration by greeting card publishers are rather simple. Most companies prefer submissions to be sent in batches of ten to twenty ideas submitted electronically. Remember that the more informed you are about a publisher’s needs, the greater your chances of success.

Specialize. Create a specific idea for a specific occasion. For example, as much as we rejoice in put-down humor, market studies indicate that sugarcoated “I love you” messages still account for the majority of total sales.

Get-well cards have become so humorous that, if you don’t get sick, you’re missing half the fun.

—Earl Wilson

The most popular card-sending occasion is a birthday. The best-selling seasonal cards are for Christmas, followed by cards for Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.

Communicate. Greeting cards are a form of interpersonal communication. They must convey an intimate thought from the sender to the receiver. Slant the point of view for women because they buy approximately 80 percent of all cards (with the exception of Valentine’s Day cards—for that holiday, the male-female ratio is closer to fifty-fifty).

Today is Valentine’s Day—or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

—Jay Leno

Cards talk to the reader, telling them what they want to hear. They are not just opportunities for you to get a gag off your computer.

Be creative. Say you have to come up with a birthday card that would be sent from a boss to an associate. You start thinking about what a birthday really means: Well, it’s once a year, you get older, you get gifts, parties, and people are nicer than usual—bingo! When you hit “people are nicer than usual,” an idea flashes. And you may come up with a reverse, as in this Dale greeting card.

Outside: Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I’m being on your birthday.

Inside: Because tomorrow it’s back to the same old shit.

Or say you want to write a birthday card focusing on fun. Birthdays are fun, but “Have a great time” and “Hope you enjoy yourself” are not salable. Again, you turn to associations: cake, drinks, hugs and kisses, the morning after—bingo! The morning after is generally a big letdown. It happens to everybody. Why not exaggerate and make it exceptionally lousy, as in this Hallmark card.

Outside: (The cover art features a woman hiding under her covers, her arms wrapped around her pillow as the one last secure comforting thing in her bleary-eyed, headachy world.) The morning after your birthday celebration, pause and ask yourself …

Inside: Who put the socks on all my teeth and how could I have slept through it?

You can also be creative with clichés. Keep an active mind. For an all-occasion card that tells someone how great she is, you might run through all the appropriate clichés, taking each word apart, doing verbal gymnastics, and hoping to find one that sparks. “You are the sunshine of my life. …” No. “How much do I love you? Let me count the ways. …” No. (Didn’t someone else write that?) How about “Mere words can’t describe how wonderful you are”? No. But wait! A sound there suggests a reformed homonym. Bingo! You’re inspired, just like the person at Hallmark who got a check for this one.

Outside: (Three men badly dressed in plaids, plastic pocket protectors with pens, and thick-rimmed glasses are scratching their heads and looking obviously confused.)

Man One: “You’re so … uh?”

Man Two: “No, you’re more like … ahhh?”

Man Three: “You have so much … uhhh?”

Inside: Mere nerds can’t describe how wonderful you are.

Once you’re on to a good idea, a whole series of cards can be assembled.

Outside: (Same group of nerd characters.)

Inside: Beware of geeks bearing gifts. Happy birthday.

A good rhyming dictionary and thesaurus are essential in humor writing, and many of the techniques we’ve already discussed can also be applied to greeting card humor. Once you know how to write humor, you’ll see greeting cards as merely one of the most formalized humor formats.

Greeting Card Takeoff

Outside: Some people might say that I think too highly of you but …

Inside: I worship the water you walk on.

Greeting Card Reverse

Outside: It’s your birthday, so pucker up.

Inside: And kiss another year goodbye.

Greeting Card Triple Reverse

Outside: You’re perverted, twisted, and sick.

Inside: I like that in a person.

Greeting Card POW

Outside: Happy birthday to a man who has it all.

Inside: From a woman who wants it.

Revise. Your message must be conveyed clearly and with as much impact as possible. You must repeatedly go over your copy, asking if each word is necessary. Review is a continual process. Is there a clearer way to say what you want to say? What’s the rhythm? Do you really need 28 words on the inside?

Most copy can be tightened. Once you’ve sharpened a few cards, you’ll see the difference and so will the editors. Editors do not want to do your work. If your copy takes too much editing, they’ll toss it out.

Outside: I’d like to tell you just how much I love you.

Inside: Have you got all night?

Get Real. You have a set of twenty or more ideas you’ve fallen in love with and now you’re ready to mail them off. Before you do, set them aside for a week—and then put them through a test suggested by Helene Lehrer, creative director at Oatmeal Studios.

Look at them again. Be honest with yourself. Are they still funny?

Would you personally spend a dollar for each and send them to someone you know?

How would you feel if you received them? How would you feel about the person who sent them?

Show them to your friends. Do they laugh? Would they buy it?

Are they true? Is there a grain of truth to make the receiver relate to them?

If you can’t get a resounding positive answer for each question, it’s back to the computer.

The Writing Lab: In Lieu of a Gift

Write twenty humorous greeting cards for special occasions, including graduations, birthdays, and anniversaries. Instead of buying brand-name cards, start sending out your own. Use software programs such as Print Shop or Hallmark Card Studio to create personalized greeting cards that are close to professional. Before you send any of the cards, apply the five-question test from the previous section.

Abbreviated Print Humor: Everywhere You Want to Be

Abbreviated humor copy appears in a wide variety of forms, from bumper stickers to coffee mugs. They don’t get written by themselves. For pros, such writing assignments are a great way to earn petty cash with material that doesn’t fit anywhere else.

Filler: Put It Somewhere

The term filler, which originated when type was set by hand or Linotype, refers to the one- or two-line tidbits editors used to quickly fill space at the end of a column or a page. A filler can be a joke, quote, short anecdote, or other small contribution. Today fillers are more common in magazines than in daily newspapers.

There is no precise formula for a filler. “A good filler,” wrote Betty Johnston, a former Reader’s Digest editor, “is one that the reader will want to quote or read aloud to a colleague.” Because most magazines have editorial deadlines several months in advance of publication, fillers must display a timelessness and relevance—a quote or anecdote from the past must have some special application for today.

My father, a retired Air Force pilot, often sprinkles his conversation with aviation jargon. I didn’t realize what flying had meant to him, however, until the day he showed me the folder with his last will and testament. It was labeled “Cleared for departure.”

—Cheryl E. Drake

Several staff editors at Reader’s Digest review all humor anecdotes and fillers. Humor is read by at least two editors before being rejected so that the bad mood of one editor won’t automatically eliminate a marginal possibility. Then the magazine submits all material seriously being considered for publication to an index department, where it’s checked for originality. (A beginning writer can ruin her reputation with a magazine by trying to pass off someone else’s material as her own.) Finally, a research department checks original sources for verification.

Personal anecdotes are acceptable fillers, but anecdotes about famous people are particularly desirable because names make news (or the other way around).

Many general publications have taboos against bathroom humor, vulgarity, and stories that ridicule the handicapped. Put-down humor is acceptable when the joke is in the cleverness of the response to the put-down, so self-deprecating stories have a much greater chance of publication. A few magazines are also interested in reprinting good humor from other publications and will pay readers handsomely for discovering it. The New Yorker delights in typos and short items with unintentional double entendres or weird phrasing.

Bumper Stickers: Put It On Your Rear

Bumper stickers publicly indicate the way we feel about ourselves. They are for adults what T-shirt humor is for adolescents. They are more popular than buttons and more socially acceptable than painted graffiti.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says, “Hey, let's never hang out.”

—Demetri Martin

The form of bumper stickers is very structured.

They must be short, rarely more than eight words.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

Just say NO to negativity.

I brake for no apparent reason.

They are usually a play on words (POW).

Psychologists do it on the couch.

I’m tall, but I’m worth the climb.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

They frequently refer to specific interests and activities.

I is a college student.

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

I brake for frogs.

They are often nihilistic.

Get a taste of religion. Bite a preacher.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes—use birth control.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often.

They include a lot of put-down humor and insults.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

Horn broke. Watch for finger.

Keep honking. I’m reloading.

T-Shirts: Put It On Your Front

If there was ever a cottage industry in humor land, it’s the T-shirt business. Not only can you write the gags from your own kitchen, but you can be in business in less time than it takes to marinate a steak. A T-shirt success story is that of Dan Gray, a high school dropout from Cleveland. He went into business with an investment of six hundred dollars, and five years later was grossing several million dollars in sales under the name of Daffy Dan’s T-Shirts.

T-shirt humor is written from the point of view of adolescents who have discovered that body language is the next step up from sticking out their tongues.

T-shirt copy is frequently self-deprecating or insult humor.

Duct tape can’t fix stupid.

I'm in shape: Round is a shape.

I'm with stupid.

T-shirt copy is often about alcohol.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

I’m too sober for this shit.

Irish I were drunk.

One of the most popular setups for T-shirt humor is “I survived …”

I survived Catholic School.

I survived Sharknado.

I survived the Bush administration.

T-shirts are popular premium giveaways for all types of commercial businesses. A dental practice might request T-shirts with the quip: “I got drilled by Dr. Allen,” for instance.

T-shirt humor, like the T-shirt itself, gets dirty quickly. Sex teasers are one of the biggest commercial T-shirt successes.

Blink if you want me.

Skilled in every position.

Orgasm donor.

The writing techniques used most often for T-shirts are double entendres and reformed clichés. The only other requirement is that the copy be short. T-shirt manufacturers must get in and out of fads quickly because the humor is topical and very short-lived; three weeks is average, and a fad that lasts several months is a big winner. As a result, these manufacturers welcome ideas and suggestions offered on spec (payment only if accepted, with no guarantee of acceptance). The value, in this case, of an on-spec presentation is that a meeting may lead to an assignment from the manufacturer to focus on a specific future happening.

Fortune Cookies: Put It in Your Mouth

In most Chinese-American restaurants, guests are awarded a free fortune cookie at the end of a meal. Fortune cookies are unknown in China, although a few Chinese historians believe revolutionaries invented them during the Ming dynasty (A.D. 1368–1644) and used the brittle folded cakes to pass secret messages. (No, one of them was not “Help! I’m a hostage in a fortune cookie factory.”) Today they are like the prize in the Cracker Jack box.

Fortunes must sound like Confucius composed them.

Dig the well before you are thirsty.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A book tightly shut is but a block of paper.

In truth, they’re written by gag writers who knock off fifty improbable predictions, bits of sage advice, and witticisms a day.

Do not mistake temptation for opportunity.

He who throws dirt is losing ground.

He who laughs last is laughing at you.

The popularity of fortune cookies prompted restaurants to offer variations including cookies with pornographic or bad fortunes.

You will be deeply loved for $250 an hour.

Your outlook for the future is optimistic because you're stupid.

Keep your opinions as flexible as your limp dick.

Chinese restaurant managers even have their own gag line for when a customer accidentally receives an empty cookie. Sara Wilson tells the story of the waiter who said to his customer, “Ah, very lucky. No news is good news.”

The Writing Lab: Fill This

Write a series of one-liners that could be used for bumper stickers, T-shirts, or fortune cookies. For example, write abbreviated copy for advertising your job, identifying your hometown, or promoting your sexual prowess (that won’t take you long).

If you’re interested in producing your own ideas, there are many do-it-yourself software programs that allow you to create your own products. Many printers also specialize in bumper stickers, T-shirts, and fortune cookies. Search the Internet for a current listing.

Recap

The key to the publication of a column, article, greeting card, or abbreviated humor is the perfect marriage of quality humor with the publisher’s audience. Look through an annually updated directory—like Writer’s Market, which lists hundreds of publications and their submission guidelines—and identify publications that match your specific areas of interest and accept humorous material. After you’ve selected several publications, go to a bookstore or library and look through them. Once you’re certain that your material matches a certain magazine, follow the publication’s submission guidelines.

Chapter 12

Writing Humor for the Cloud: Social Media, Blogging, and More

I was raised on the Internet.

—Lena Dunham

Before Al Gore “created” the Internet, comedy was delivered via traditional mediums. Classic humor writers, such as Mike Royko and Erma Bombeck, published their work in something called a newspaper. Stand-up comics performed at hundreds of comedy clubs located in markets of varying size. Television and radio appearances by humorists were primarily a marketing ploy to sell books, records, or concert tickets.

It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an “information highway,” but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies.

—Mike Royko

The creation of the Internet caused a comedic big bang, and professionals quickly adapted. Will Ferrell and his writing partner, Adam McKay, created Funny or Die. Many traditional comedy sources, like The Onion and Comedy Central, established online presences. Niche marketing of comedy happened rapidly with websites like College Humor, Cracked, and Farked. Even major news outlets, such as The Huffington Post and The Drudge Report, created portals to daily megadoses of humor.

The Internet? Is that thing still around?

—Homer Simpson

A big bang occurred with audiences, as well. Instead of some regional, limited, and targeted groups, the Web allowed immediate access to a global audience. From a marketing perspective, the potential is huge. Writers and performers can now reach millions instead of hundreds or thousands. If something goes viral, the audience could become hundreds of millions.

But the Internet’s rapid expansion also created a comedic black hole, a gravitational force that attracts all humor. Almost overnight, the Internet became the world’s largest repository of humor. Any search with “humor” or “comedy” as descriptors yields millions of hits; there are hundreds of joke banks, like Jokes and Jokes2000, with thousands of one-liners; and just about every comedy performance, show, or movie ends up on YouTube. Since anything funny is rapidly consumed by millions of users, the Web significantly shortens comedy’s already limited life span.

The gravitational pull of the Internet creates all kinds of problems for professionals, especially for live performers. In the old days, someone might repeat a few jokes they heard at a comedy club, recite a handful of lines from a play, or describe a funny movie scene. Today, with almost meaningless and unenforceable copyright laws, performances, shows, and movies are illegally recorded and distributed on the Web.

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

—Jon Stewart

Social media is a leading contributor to the black hole phenomena. Given billions of users with an abundance of narcissism, there is a constant need to stand out. Users learn quickly that posting photographs of their latest Olive Garden meal on their Instagram feed will not increase the number of likes. Attracting Web traffic requires interesting content, and instead of creating original material, many users borrow or plagiarize the work of others.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

—Patrick Murray

For the humor writer, the Internet, social media, online dating, and other forms of virtual communication offer new challenges and opportunities. Although the principles of humor writing are universal, there are special considerations for each unique social media galaxy.

Twitter: Joke’s Big Bang Or Black Hole

Like the Internet, Twitter had a profound impact on the world of comedy. With its 140-character limit, it triggered the big bang of creating and sharing one-liners.

Twitter is the bathroom wall of the Internet.

—Jason King

Twitter is a virtual playground for amateurs and professionals to share funny. There’s no need to write a book, host a talk show, or perform stand-up to share your jokes—just tweet.

Damn. Forgot to hire babies off Craigslist to pose as my fake children in my Christmas card again this year.

—Aziz Ansari

A superquick way to look really disturbing is to walk through the rain really slowly without trying to cover yourself at all.

—Mindy Kaling

Sometimes playing catch is very similar to throwing things at a child in a backyard.

—Demetri Martin

Twitter is like a humor fitness club, and you can exercise your funny bone at any time. The 24/7 feed forces you to stay abreast of current events, while the 140-character restriction is a constant reminder to stay punchy. It’s no surprise that nightly comedy show writers tweet some of the best and most popular feeds. Justin and Eric Stangel, former head writers and producers of Late Night with David Letterman, have over 100,000 followers because of tweets like the following:

Million Dollar Idea: Legal Sea Foods should open a chain of adult restaurants and call it Barely Legal Sea Foods.

—Eric Stangel

Some comedians question the merits of Twitter as a medium for humor—Dave Chappelle quit after eleven tweets. Many comedic styles don’t work in the 140-character environment, and some writers worry that their material will be plagiarized. If they do tweet jokes, it’s often to test ideas or use sloppy seconds.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

—Jim Gaffigan

The success of Twitter feeds spawned a cottage industry of Twitter imposters—fake accounts of famous people. Comedians are favorite targets of fakers, and bogus accounts exist for most famous comics. Daniel Tosh expressed his frustration with one fraud by asking his audience, “100,000 of you are stupid enough to believe this hack is me?” After highlighting several lame, fake tweets, Tosh observed, “It's not a parody if it’s done this poorly!”

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person, you'll have the mind of a twelve-year-old masquerading as an adult.

—Colin Quinn

Many professionals do not use Twitter as a creative medium. However, they recognize that Twitter is a great promotional and marketing tool. Louis C.K. uses Twitter to publicize his concerts and promote his comedy specials. Although he profits from social media, he remains ambivalent.

I kinda hate it. I think it’s awful. I have Twitter just so I can tell people what I want them to buy, and give me money.

—Louis C. K.

Some tech-savvy comedians, like Jimmy Kimmel and his talented writing staff, skillfully use Twitter for both marketing and entertainment. Kimmel created “#celebritymeantweets,” a comedy bit that gives celebrities a chance to read mean things people tweet about them. President Obama read the following tweets about himself on an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Is there anyway we could fly Obama to some golf course halfway around the world and just leave him there?

—@RWSurferGirl

A 30 rack of color light is $23 now at Sun Stp. Thanks, Obama.

—@Camoaignrpoz

somebody send obama some life hacks on how to be a good president. haha. like, I bet that would help. lol

—@theautho

Moreover, like most tweeters, amateur and professional humor writers use Twitter because it’s fun and a great timewaster. As Evan Williams, Twitter founder, said, “Whoever said that things have to be useful?”

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

—Bo Burnham

Handle: @Whoareyou

Your username, or handle, is your digital identity in the Twitterverse. Ideally your handle should be unique, eye-catching, and memorable. The following are examples of funny and ingenious handles:

@MyAwkwardTweet

@MyToaster

@Masterofpuppets

@Hamsterdeath

@DepressedDarth

@big_ben_clock

@404UserNotFound

With a billion registered Twitter users, there’s a good chance that your favored name is not available. That’s why most new personal handles are names or simple variations (@melhelitzer, @mel_helitzer). If you have difficulty choosing a name, there are username generators available on the Web that craft possible handles.

The Writing Lab: @ComedyWritingSecretsistheGreatestBookEver

Your username is your online first impression, and it establishes your digital identity. A good username is unique, real, and describes you. You might be a cat lover but @CatLover, @Lovescats, or @Kittenfriend are not especially distinctive. Moreover, avoid any inappropriate, gross, or sexist handle that might be blocked by others.

Digital technology is both arousing and distancing. We don't look at the users on the other side as people. They aren't—they're just usernames, Facebook photos, and Twitter handles.

—Douglas Rushkoff

A username is often a POW. It can be as simple as reversing a name, like “kram” for “Mark” or “lem” instead of “Mel.” Or, it could be a literal description, such as Happy2BHere, EasyMommaNot, or WhatRULookinAt.

If you have difficulty creating a name, the listing technique described in chapter nine can help you brainstorm ideas. Start by creating multiple categories, such as passions, hobbies, and personal characteristics. Then list as many items as you can within each category, and, when possible, create subcategories. Look at the lists and pair items. If you create a username that you love but is already used, consider adding a number or symbol to the name.

If you are having username block, look at the unfortunate abuses of English from around the world at Engrish.com. English is a brutal language to learn (as evidenced by this book), and one misplaced word may transform an innocent message into an entirely different and funny meaning. We’re not mocking the writers but their malapropos may stimulate new username ideas.

Size Matters: The Magic Number is 140

Twitter’s strictly enforced 140-character limit means certain humor, like the following Craig Ferguson jokes, would not fit in the Twitterverse.

Andy Warhol said, “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.” Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your fifteen minutes goes on forever.

Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.

In chapter nine, we discuss the importance of word economy and identified the three principles of aggressive editing: Use as few words as possible, do not reveal key words in the setup, and save the funniest word for the end. By aggressively editing and using abbreviations, you can meet Twitter standards while maintaining the integrity of the Ferguson jokes.

Andy Warhol: “In future every1 will b famous for 15 mins.” FB is exactly like that except ur not really famous & ur 15 mins goes on 4ever.

Some ppl use FB 2 chk up on ex’s. That seems creepy 2 me. I like the old fashioned way. If u want 2 chk up on an ex, go through their trash.

The Writing Lab: Word Economy

Word economy and aggressive editing are critical humor writing skills for social media. Often fully formed jokes must be pared down before posting.

Each of the following jokes about social media exceeds the 140-character Twitter limit (the number of characters is noted in the parentheses). Edit each joke so it could be posted on Twitter. A condensed version of each joke is at the end of the chapter.

This week, all Facebook’s users will be asked to renew their privacy settings. In a related story, all Myspace users will be asked to get a life. (145)

—Erik Bronstein

A new study found that more than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last three years. And unfortunately, none of them were your parents. (146)

—Jimmy Fallon

The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West. (152)

—Conan O'Brien

It's an interesting new feature. Soon you'll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook. (166)

—Jimmy Kimmel

I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it. (149)

—Bo Burnham

#funnysetups: Hashtags

The # symbol is used to create a Twitter hashtag that categorizes tweets and permits for the searching of feeds with a common subject. Extremely popular hashtags often become trending topics and sometimes go viral. For example, Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake performed a Late Night with Jimmy Fallon sketch parodying hashtags that went viral.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

—E.A. Bucchianeri

For the humor writer, a hashtag is a glorified setup. Fallon created “#latenight hashtags,” an interactive comedy bit that encourages viewers to reply to his tweets. Fallon provides the joke setup, and his followers respond with a punch line. Examples of hashtag setups include “#WorseCarIEverHad,” “#FakeJayZLyrics,” and “#IGotCaught.” The following are sample responses to #MyWorstBirthday.

They forgot to buy candles so they put Q-Tips on my cake.

—Carol Hart

After my 9th bday everyone who had the cake had to get a shot bcuz the lady who worked at the bakery had hepatitis.

—Andrea Galindo

On my 6th birthday the green power ranger came to my party. He got drunk and told us that the pink ranger was a huge whore.

—Rex Ingram

Facebook: Like Me, Please

Like Twitter, Facebook is an international social network platform with over one billion active users. While Twitter is a microblogging tool for sharing ideas, Facebook is a multipurpose service for networking people.

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth—ninety-six billion. That's almost as much money as they lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook.

—Jay Leno

Status: Headed to the Mall

Most social networks have updates, or statuses, which allow you to inform your friends of what you’re doing. Whether it’s to announce that you’re breaking up with your loser boyfriend or to explain why you hate Sam’s Club, the idea is to stay connected 24/7.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people."

—Andy Borowitz

Statuses have evolved from daily updates to a forum for one-liners. The competition for posting the wittiest or funniest status has spawned websites devoted to highlighting updates. The following statuses are from Funnystatus.com.

I have a smartphone with a dumbass battery.

A college diploma is just a receipt.

There is a reason I’m single and it’s called my face.

The Writing Lab: Lmao

The explosion of text-based communication spawned a telegraphic language. Sentences, phrases, and words are now truncated to speed communication. Many abbreviations, like "btw,” "fyi," and "omg," are universally recognized and incorporated into everyday lexicon.

There are thousands of texting abbreviations, and they are tailored to specific audiences and platforms. For example, the shortcuts used by a gamer are different from the ones seen in an online dating chat room. The abbreviations desired by humor writers are lol (laugh out loud), lhh (laugh hella hard), rofl (rolling on the floor laughing), and lmao (laugh my ass off). The abbreviation most used by humorists is jk (just kidding).

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol." I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself." It's more honest.

—Demetri Martin

Humor writers must be fluent in telegraphic writing, especially when using a forum like Twitter. Determine your texting IQ by decoding the following abbreviations. The answers are at the end of the chapter.

511

143

2EZ

FF

FWIW

tweetsult

NTS

IANAL

IMHO

AYFKMWTS

Blogging: Read Me, Please

In the pre-Internet era, publishing an article or book followed a predictable course. Authors reviewed Writer’s Digest for potential outlets and then submitted their work according to defined guidelines. The process varied from publication to publication, but at some point, editors analyzed and commented on the article or manuscript. For example, three different editors reviewed this book, and their comments resulted in 7,896,352 changes (might be overstated, slightly).

The main advantage of the traditional model is that a publication is intensely screened before it is viewed by the public. That all changed in the late 1990s, with the development of Web publishing software that permitted direct posting of material on the Internet. These “weblogs,” now called “blogs,” allowed authors to share their writing with others and bypass outside editing. Today there are dozens of blogging platforms (WordPress, Squarespace) with hundreds of millions of blogs.

Blogging is to writing what extreme sports are to athletics: more free-form, more accident-prone, less formal, more alive. It is, in many ways, writing out loud.

—Andrew Sullivan

The upside of blogging is that anyone can post material on the Web. The downside of blogging is that anyone can post material on the Web. Using a variation of an old line, the question becomes:

If you write humor and post on it on the Internet, and no one sees it, is it really humor writing?

The humor writing principles discussed in this book apply to blogs, with one exception: Internet pieces must be shorter than print articles. The physical layout of a Web page, and the short attention span of the typical Internet surfer, both mandate concision.

Opening: Please Stay

The key challenges for bloggers are attracting and keeping Web traffic. The most successful bloggers recognize that blogging is entertainment, and that the blogger is a performer. Like all forms of entertainment, humor attracts and maintains attention.

Since bloggers, like stand-up comics, have only a few seconds to win an audience, headlines must be brief, catchy, and funny. If readers are not hooked by the headlines, they’ll quickly move to the next site. Many popular and well-written humor sites, such as McSweeney’s Internet Tendency (www.mcsweeneys.net) and The Onion (www.onion.com), specialize in witty, off-the-wall titles, like these:

Deadbeat Dads March on Las Vegas

Goth Kid Builds Scary-Ass Birdhouse

College Student Does Nothing for Tibet Over Summer

The opening lines of an article are just as critical as headlines, as they determine whether the reader sticks with the blog. Unless you’re a well-known blogger with an established base of readers, you should front-load your best material.

A great headline mixed with a lame opening is like inviting someone to your house, only to slam the door in their face as they approach.

—Brian Clark

MAPP the Blog

Following a well-defined MAPP is critical to the sustained and continued success of a blog. If humor is not targeted, then a blog may become a glorified diary. Moreover, no one wants to read a diary.

To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit.

—Enoch Powell

The most successful bloggers start by picking a popular topic—gossip, politics, gadgets, or sex. Then, they identify their audience.

Reader Engagement: Putting out the Flames

A stand-up comic gets immediate feedback with laughter and silence, and uses the audience’s responses to fine-tune his material. The criticism for blogging is neither instantaneous nor always representative. However, readers’ comments often provide bloggers with important feedback.

Successful blogging is not about one time hits. It’s about building a loyal following over time.

—David Aston

Readership engagement determines the long-term success of a blog, and reacting to posts is critical for maintaining followers. Responding to positive feedback is easy—affirm the compliments and encourage more input—but dealing with criticism is challenging.

While stand-up comics deal with hecklers, bloggers hassle with flamers. Flaming happens more frequently and is often nastier because trolls hide behind the anonymity of a username. Regardless of the frequency or veracity of the posts, there are two ways to handle mean-spirited comments: Ignore them or shoot them down.

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the Internet people were just writing “fuck you” and attaching it to pigeons.

—Russell Howard

Since attention is fuel for a flamer, if they don’t get a reaction, they are likely to burn out and move to a different blog. Ignoring a flamer necessitates swallowing one’s ego, taking the hit, and being the “adult” for the sake of the blog.

If you choose to respond to negative comments, it’s critical to remember that an audience is watching. Shooting down the flamer is not the main goal; the objective is to win over the rest of the readership. However, if you’re not in the mood to be a Good Samaritan, you could dope slap them like stand-up comics do to hecklers.

Why don't you go into that corner and finish evolving?

—Russell Kane

Did your mother ever tell you not to drink on an empty head?

—Billy Connolly

Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. I'm wearing a moron filter.

—Arthur Smith

E-Mail: You’ve Got Mail

It’s hard to believe, but electronic mail predates the Internet. Early e-mail allowed users of the same computer to send messages to each other. After the creation of the Internet, user-friendly Web interfaces allowed billions of e-mails to be sent daily.

The population of earth has reached seven billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating e-mails to join something called “LinkedIn.”

—Dave Barry

While other forms of electronic messaging, like texting and social media, have grown in popularity, e-mail remains the most-used feature of the Internet. For education and business, e-mail is the primary form of electronic communication.

Signature

Most e-mail has a sender’s signature that includes name, job title, contact information, and an organizational logo. Often the signature contains an inspirational or motivational quote by someone famous.

Action is the foundational key to all success.

—Pablo Picasso

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.

—Henry Ford

It’s better to give than to receive. Especially advice.

—Mark Twain

The signature could include uninspiring quotes from the infamous.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

—Dilbert

For just one night let’s not be co-workers. Let's be co-people.

—Ron Burgundy

If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.

—Homer Simpson

The signature provides a golden opportunity to use POW to create fictitious quotes.

The problem with quotes on the Internet is you can never be certain they're authentic.

—Abraham Lincoln

Your signature should be tailored to your e-mail audience. It’s doubtful your boss would appreciate a signature sign-off from South Park’s Eric Cartman like “Don’t have a cow, man!” or “Respect my authority.”

Grammar Police

CollegeHumor featured an article, “No One Really Knows How to Write an Email.” Here’s the article in its entirety: “Bcc: everyone.”

Most forms of electronic messaging, including Twitter and texting, encourage bad grammar and misspellings. Since e-mail is the most formal form of electronic communication, there’s no need to abuse the English language. Moreover, there is no reason to disrespect the funny with shortcuts—all the techniques and principles described in chapter eleven, Print Humor, work in e-mail.

Humor Sells

With consumers bombarded by promotional e-mail, humor can humanize a company’s brand. Retailers, such as Zappos and Moosejaw, regularly use humor in their e-mail marketing campaigns with an abundance of nonsequiturs and one-liners:

How’s my hair doing?

Check us out. Or don’t.

Deals so decent you will want to lick the screen.

Online Dating: Pick Me, Please

Al Gore “created” the Internet to network Defense Department computers. It’s highly doubtful that Gore or anyone else working on packet switching thought they were inventing the ultimate dating service.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

—Rita Mae Brown

Online dating is a billion-dollar business with over fifty million consumers. Dating services range from the megasized (Match, eHarmony, Gay) to targeted (JDate, OurTime, BBW Cupid) sites. Now there are real-time hookups available via Grindr and Tinder. About 40 percent of all singles have used online dating services, and the users with the greatest number of dates bought at least five copies of Comedy Writing Secrets.

It said if you're not involved in one of these online dating services, you're just gonna get left behind socially, you know. I'm not afraid to try something new, I'm not, so I signed up. Changed my life. I went from feeling pretty good about myself to feeling like a leper alone in a room typing.

—Ryan Hamilton

In the marketplace of love, the product is you. We’re not being crass or minimizing the challenges of meeting others, but online dating is a form of sales. And, like any business, advertising is the key to success. Whether it’s a six-pack of Diet Mountain Dew or you, humor promotes sales.

Humor is not only critical to your personal marketing campaign, it’s also a highly desired commodity in the dating arena. Survey after survey of online (and real-time) daters found that both men and women listed “sense of humor” as a “must-have.” Women value a sense of humor because it predicts happiness and life balance. Men want someone to laugh at their jokes. Humor is an invaluable tool for creating a personal ad that will interest others and increase the chances of being contacted.

The Headline

A personal ad headline is like a storefront—it should grab prospective buyers’ attention and make them curious.

The best headlines are cute and catchy.

Recommended by three out of four doctors.

Looking for my prize trout, not the usual carp.

30-day free trial period.

Lame headlines are sexist, transparent, and sleazy.

Stallion on Viagra.

Looking for shining knight with big sword.

Slicker than KY jelly.

Corporations use slogans to advertise and brand their products. Sample catchphrases include “Works like a dream” (Ambien), “Be all that you can be” (U.S. Army), and “Get the feeling” (Toyota). Look at corporate advertising slogans and identify your favorites. Then reform the lines to fit your brand. That is, you.

The Profile

The tone, style, and humor of the ad should match the headline. If the headline is whimsical, then the profile should be whimsical. Remember, you’re selling a brand, and your writing should mirror what you’re selling.

My greatest strength is common sense. I'm really a standard brand—like Campbell's tomato soup or Baker's chocolate.

—Katherine Hepburn

If you use humor in the profile, there’s only one suitable humor target—yourself. Other topics are too high-risk because the audience is unknown. And self-deprecating humor should not be overdone—you don’t want to diminish the brand.

While humor can make your profile engaging and unique, funny alone will not sell your brand. In fact, too much humor can make it unmarketable.

If you're single, you might want to listen to this. I read about a new dating website that lets you get to know people first before you see their picture. Because if there's anything better than love at first sight, it's falling OUT of love at first sight.

—Jimmy Fallon

Prospective mates want someone with a sense of humor but are not looking for a stand-up comic. A personal ad with too many jokes or sarcastic statements will come across as forced, desperate, or overkill.

Throughout the book, we’ve discussed the importance of honesty—the most effective humor is real, genuine, and truth based. We’ve also explained that humorists take the truth and stretch it for comedic purposes. When it comes to online dating profiles, embellishment is not a good thing. If you exaggerate, you’ll be discovered and others will be disappointed. In the marketplace of love, honesty trumps funny.

The Writing Lab: Answers

The following are the condensed jokes.

This wk, all FB’s users will b asked 2 renew their privacy settings. In a related story, all Myspace users will b asked 2 get a life. (134)

—Erik Bronstein

A new study found that more than 11M ppl have quit FB in the last 3 yrs. Unfortunately, none of them were ur parents. (118)

—Jimmy Fallon

The US has been using Twitter 2 help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enuff tweets from Kanye West. (139)

—Conan O'Brien

Its an interesting new feature. Soon ull b able 2 find anything u want on FB, except 4 the 1000s of hours of ur life u lost going on FB. (138)

—Jimmy Kimmel

I think the love-hate is fundamental. Evry1 hates reality TV, & evry1's watching it. Evry1 hates FB, & evry1 is on it. (119)

—Bo Burnham

These are the deciphered text abbreviations.

511 = too much information (more than 411)

143 = I love you

2EZ = too easy

FF = follow Friday

FWIW = for what it’s worth

tweetsult = insult sent using Twitter

NTS = note to self

IANAL = I am not a lawyer

IMHO = in my honest opinion

AYFKMWTS = Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

Recap

The Internet forever changed humor writing. For the most part, the changes are positive for writers. Now anyone can post anything, pretty much anywhere, which might be read by everyone. That includes the good, the bad, and the wtf. Blame Al Gore. jk.

The day I made that statement, I was tired because I had been up all night inventing the camcorder.

—Al Gore

Chapter 13

Teach, Learn, and Laugh

A very wise old teacher once said, “I consider a day's teaching wasted if we do not all have one hearty laugh.”

—Gilbert Highet

Humor is an educational lubricant. Whether it’s a K-12, college, or online classroom, humor makes learning more enjoyable, engaging, and memorable. Moreover, humor allows teachers to model and reinforce a critical educational lesson—learning is fun.

Pedagogical humor is not about field trips, movie days, or dodge ball. Humor as an instructional tool creates a positive classroom environment that opens minds, fosters communication, and encourages active participation. In addition, humor can provide the teacher and students an important necessity of teaching and learning—a “mental break.”

It’s not what’s taught, but what’s caught. And if we can get our students’ mouths open for laughter, we can slip in a little food for thought.

—Virginia Tooper

Humor is a proven strategy for improving instruction and increasing retention. Studies show that humor enriches learning by increasing student interest and attention—making even the driest subjects come to life. Humor also reduces anxiety concerning challenging subjects and makes difficult concepts clearer and more memorable. In addition, humor ultimately promotes creativity, exploration, and critical thinking—skills that students can carry with them for a lifetime.

The growing interest in educational humor affords new opportunities for humor writers. Publishers of educational and business training materials, such as books, seminar handouts, and instructional programs are increasingly seeking writers whose light touch can change dreaded subjects into interesting and memorable ones. John Cleese of Monty Python fame used humor to teach management principles in his highly successful line of business training films. His instructional philosophy was simple.

He who laughs most, learns best.

—John Cleese

A Classroom Is Not A Comedy Club

When used appropriately, as noted above, humor can reduce student stress, enhance comprehension, and promote critical thinking. However, humor can also be an educational irritant. Humor that is derogatory or ridiculing has no place in an educational setting. Also, too much humor is distracting and unneeded. The judicious, developmentally appropriate, and timely use of humor makes learning memorable and enjoyable.

I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

—Mary Ann Shaffer

There are three major considerations when writing instructional humor.

Does the humor promote an educational objective?

Will the students understand and appreciate the humor?

Is the humor target appropriate for the classroom?

Learning Ain’t Fluff

When writing instructional humor, the most important consideration is the educational purpose of the humor. While humorists gauge success by laughter, educators measure the effectiveness of humor by how it promotes learning. Although humor can enhance students’ educational experience, most of the humor written for a course should serve an instructional purpose. Off-topic humor might be funny, yet the students may view the instructor and course material as fluff.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

—W.H. Auden

There are two important reasons why humor writers and instructors should not seek or expect big laughs. First, powerful humor can often overshadow a learning objective. If a concept is illustrated with a very funny story, students are likely to remember the humor and forget the principle. Second, the structure of the typical joke (a setup followed by a punch line) limits the funniness of pedagogical humor. If instructors use topically relevant humor, then they lose the flexibility of exaggerating or distorting the setup to maximize the funny.

The educational context also changes humor expectations. Audiences expect comedians to be funny; students expect teachers to be scholarly, serious, and often boring. The diminished expectations lower the comedic threshold—simpler forms of humor, like POW or witty observations, which would “bomb” in a comedy venue, will work in a classroom. Since students anticipate boredom, they will appreciate any attempt at humor and view the teacher as striving to make the course more interesting.

I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty—all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.

—Ted Alexandro

Instead of aiming for the biggest possible laugh, writers need to tamper down their jokes. Strong humor may pacify confused students, leaving them less likely to seek clarification when necessary. Also, students might assume that getting a joke means they understanding the concept. Learning should be fun but isn’t necessarily easy.

MAPP the Students

The audience ingredient of the MAPP theory is critical in educational humor. The material must be student-oriented and factor in cultural, gender, and age differences. A joke that works in one setting for one student group may fail in another. In addition, the humor must also fit the subject and reflect the teacher’s personality.

There are three things to remember when teaching: know your stuff; know whom you are stuffing; and then stuff them elegantly.

—Lola May

It’s also critical to recognize developmental differences in humor appreciation. Children in kindergarten through sixth grade delight in wordplay such as puns, comic verse, and riddles. The cornier the joke, the better the response.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Ada!

Ada who?

Ada burger for lunch!

The same humor for older children might produce the “teacher is an idiot” stare. Satire, parody, and irony are more suitable for high school students and adult learners. Older students will appreciate the irony-based “Murphy’s Laws of Applied Terror.”

When reviewing your notes before an exam, you’ll discover that the most important ones are illegible.

If you’re given an open-book exam, you’ll forget your book.

If you’re given a take-home exam, you’ll forget where you live.

When possible, the demographics and interests of the students should be identified before writing humor. This can be challenging, given the diversity of the typical classroom, and is almost impossible for distance learning, such as correspondence or Internet courses.

The PC Hall Monitors

Educational humor must be inclusive and avoid any appearance of ridiculing others or stereotyping groups. Sexist, racist, derogatory, or obscene humor is never justified. Even a flippant remark might be viewed as offensive.

Since the PC police wander the instructional hallways 24⁄7 looking for potential transgressions, a simple literal truth joke based on the word slow will surely be deemed offensive.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, “Slow ... children.” That can't be good for their self-esteem. But, look on the positive side, they can't read it.

—Jimmy Carr

Even a joke about political correctness may be red flagged because it makes light of academic failure.

As a teacher it’s important to be politically correct. I’ve learned not to tell a student they’re failing my class, but rather that they will have another semester in which to get to know me better.

—Bonnie Cheeseman

Given the double-edged nature of humor and the vigilance of the PC police, the safest target is always the instructor. Self-deprecating humor puts students at ease and avoids belittling or alienating others. The “Oops, that was a stupid remark!” response to a mistake by the teacher allows students to view the instructor as more human.

Some of you might have heard that I am unfair, rigid, and boring. For those of you who have not talked to my wife …

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

—Oscar Wilde

I know as a teacher I should use self-deprecating humor, but I really suck at telling jokes about myself.

Another safe target is academic subject matter. It’s highly doubtful that the following math jokes will trigger PC alarms.

Two random variables were talking in a bar. They thought they were being discrete, but I heard their chatter continuously.

Arithmetic is the art of counting up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

There are three types of mathematicians: Those who can count and those who can't.

Teachers Do It at the Podium: Instructional Humor

Effective lectures, presentations, and workshops follow the same principles as speeches. Whether you’re speaking to third graders about social studies, to tenth graders about economics, or to corporate employees during a manager’s training session, you have to stay on message. Use humor to supplement your message—not overshadow it. Here are a few techniques you can use when you’re up at the podium.

Open With a Bang

Students will quickly stereotype teachers. Opening with a joke or funny quote sends the message, “This will be fun, so pay attention.” As Herbert Gardner noted, “Once you get people laughing, they’re listening.”

I will never forget my first day of school. My mom woke me up, got me dressed, made my bed, and fed me. Man, did the guys in the dorm tease me.

—Michael Aronin

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

—Gracie Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

—Woody Allen

Other possible openers include a silly subtitle, a visual or cartoon with a humorous caption, inserting funny fictitious names in the roll call, exaggerated unit objectives, a reformatted quote, or a witty remark introducing the subject.

Today’s lecture will be an experiment—half of you will get real information, while the other half will get a placebo.

—Matt Coleman

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

—Marcel Achard

Our topic today is déjà vu: Stop me if you’ve heard this before.

A fun icebreaker that works at any level and ensures group interaction is the Find Someone Who activity. Prepare a handout that requires students to obtain classmates’ names based on physical features (someone who is taller, someone who has the same color hair) and personal preferences (someone who likes the same music or lives in the same neighborhood). Also include comical items (someone who took a shower this week) and items that pertain to the class subject.

Bridge the Gap

When eyes begin to glaze over, it’s time to shift gears. As a transitional device, humor gives students a mental break. The trick is to sandwich the humor: Teach a concept, use humor to regain student attention, and summarize the principle. To be effective, humor transitions need to be short. If you use an anecdote, remember to keep it brief. If the transition takes too long, it can be difficult to calm students down and return to the topic.

I used to substitute teach. The worst. I will never forget this second-grade class where I was subbing for a teacher named Susan.

All day long these annoying little children would say, “Susan doesn’t do it that way. Susan lets us play. Susan gives us gum. Susan is prettier than you.”

“Oh, really? Susan’s dead.”

—Cathy Ladman

The Unexpected One-Liner

Teachers can prepare one-liners for when a class is interrupted by an unexpected event. (These are similar to savers prepared for speeches and live performances.)

A plane flies overhead: Here’s my ride.

AV equipment fails: That’s what happens when you buy from eBay.

Cell phone goes off: For me?

Leave ’Em Laughing

Longer humor pieces, such as humorous exercises, are best suited for wrapping up a subject lesson or ending the day. A popular closer is a top ten list.

Top Ten Excuses for Submitting a Late Homework Assignment

10. I thought Groundhog Day was a national holiday.

9. My pit bull ate my ferret, which ate my assignment.

8. My mom didn’t have the time to finish my homework.

7. I gave my assignment to Bart to copy, but he never returned it.

6. I thought I was ADD; now I know I am.

5. My assignment was confiscated by TSA workers for being too long.

4. I’m living in my parents’ basement until they die, so what’s the point?

3. It took a long time to find the answers on the Internet.

2. I accidentally drank a six-pack of beer and thought I had already graduated.

1. I told Siri to do the assignment, but she forgot.

Hand Out the Funny

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

—Lily Tomlin

Humor can add spice to syllabi, handouts, and other materials distributed during presentations. Examples of POWs used in handouts include silly names, amusing titles or headings, oxymorons, and fictitious terms or definitions. Exaggerated humor examples include self-effacing humor; distorted numbers, concepts, or phrases; outrageous theories or studies; and whimsical rules and procedures.

There is no penalty for leaving class early, but you will be mocked and nasty comments will appear on your Facebook page.

The following are prohibited during lecture: phone calls, texting, and twerking.

There is no such thing as a dumb question unless the question begins with “This might be a dumb question but. …”

The Writing Lab: On the Couch

The steps for writing educational humor are the same as for writing any other joke. Let’s write a joke with the setup Sigmund Freud’s Pet Peeves.

Start by listing things associated with Freud: the couch, patients free-associating, or looking at inkblots. Then identify the opposite of each item: clients sleeping instead of talking, clients drawing on the inkblots. By combining the associations and disassociations, you’d able to create the following triple.

Sigmund Freud’s major pet peeves were patients who fell asleep on the couch, drew on the inkblots, and complained about being charged for free association.

The joke is no gut buster, but it does meet the criteria for effective educational humor—it relates to the topic, avoids offending anyone, and highlights three professional terms.

Now you try it. Pick a familiar subject and write a series of jokes that are topic related and student oriented.

Teachers Do It in Groups: Active Learning

Humor in the classroom can be more than a joke here and an anecdote there. It can be an innovative approach. Group exercises, for example, invite lively interaction by their very nature.

Show-and-tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to thirty-two other families before 9:15 in the morning.

—Robert Orben

When humor is added into the mix, the exercises become even more engaging and the lessons more memorable. For example, you can spice up reading scenes from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet by having the class perform it as a rap, or you can transform the Gettysburg Address into a Dr. Seuss-type story.

So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.

—Ted Alexandro

Here are more group activities with a humorous spin:

developing a class Web page with students’ jokes, tongue twisters, riddles, funny anecdotes, and nonsense poems and songs

drawing an event or theory as a comic strip, comic book, or group mural

holding mock trials for notorious historical figures

acting out the functions of different body parts

creating a POW bulletin board or scrapbook with homonyms, euphemisms, and double entendres

Even junk food can lend itself to the educational process: The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project (Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations) teaches the scientific method via experiments with Twinkies. The experiments (twinkiesproject.org) consist mostly of abusing Twinkies in extreme situations (dropping them from a skyscraper, bombarding them with radiation).

Written in Fun

Creative writing exercises afford more opportunities to introduce humor into the classroom and can make a mundane assignment fresh and fun. For example, students who are asked to create humorous—yet factually accurate—news headlines for past scientific discoveries will not only learn to appreciate a subject in a new way, but also hone their critical thinking (and headline writing) skills.

Additional creative writing exercises with a humorous flair include:

modifying proverbs, nursery rhymes, or maxims with subject-related names and principles

composing a dictionary of fictitious definitions for topical terms

keeping a diary for an object (a day in the life of a pencil)

creating funny words or phrases for remembering course concepts

adding new captions for textbook illustrations and photos

drafting a complaint letter from a story character (defective candles grievance by Jack B. Nimble)

writing intentional malaprops for famous quotes

transforming conceptual principles into a Sesame Street spot

creating a dream diary of a cartoon character

generating crazy predictions based on existing theories or principles

writing funny last words, nicknames, bumper stickers, Wanted posters, fortune cookies, or resumes for historical figures.

Blending humor into a writing assignment has a hidden benefit for the teacher—it provides funny material for future courses.

Show and Tell

Visual humor, such as cartoons, illustrations, and photographs, works especially well in the classroom; it seems mandatory that every teacher display at least one Far Side cartoon. Captions that accompany the visual (or visuals that accompany a caption) can be reformatted as punch lines. And next to recess, students universally love movie day.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hungover? Movie Day.

—Jay Mohr

Props, such as puppets, stuffed animals, or costumes can enliven a lecture. Teachers with a theatrical flair can dress and play the part of a historical figure—Abe Lincoln discussing the Civil War, for instance, or Albert Einstein explaining physics. As Gail Goodwin observed, “Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.”

Classroom of Fun

An inviting classroom is more likely to increase student participation and promote active learning. Creating a positive and fun atmosphere is relatively easy, especially in a K-8 classroom. Classroom humor energizers include:

creating a “fun” wall

making a fake yearbook

using funny stickers, stamps, and decals

designing fun awards and certificates

collecting misinformation

performing random “fun” acts

assigning brainstorming fun buddies

building an age-appropriate joke collection

compiling funny facts

writing funny lunch menus

inventing new animals

constructing wanted posters of fictional characters

generating crazy predictions

having a “backwards” day

The Writing Lab: What If Essays

The two most important words in humor writing, what if, can breathe life into the dullest of all homework assignments: the essay. The what if? prompt can be used to inspire original and humorous creative writing assignments that encourage students to look at their subjects in a new light. For example, what if:

fairy tale creatures appeared before Judge Judy (Pinocchio, for slander)?

kids had written the Bill of Rights or the school rules?

children’s stories were forced to be politically correct (Hansel, Gretel, and the codependent nonbiological mother)?

Writing humor for the classroom is more than constructing one-liners—it also entails using humor to stimulate creativity. Take each of the following items and devise what if assignments. Compare your essay questions to the ones at the end of the chapter.

animals

movie characters

maps

periodic table

cartoon characters

Teachers Do It in the Cloud: Online Instruction

Online instruction is the fastest growing educational arena. Schools, at all levels, are moving from brick-and-mortar classrooms to virtual learning. Businesses also recognize the advantages of e-learning—Writer’s Digest, the publisher of this book, offers many writing courses via the online Writer’s Digest University (www.writersonlineworkshops.com). The explosion of e-learning creates additional markets for humor writers. As Donna Abernathy observed, “Online learning is not the next big thing, it is the now big thing.”

Educational experts have long advocated the use of humor in the traditional classroom. However, in the highly structured environment of e-learning, teachers and trainers have fewer tools at their disposal to lighten the classroom atmosphere or promote social interaction.

People expect to be bored by e-learning—let’s show them it doesn’t have to be like that!

—Cammy Bean

Although online learning is convenient, many students find it to be tedious and boring. Frank LoSchiavo and I published the first empirical study of the planned, systematic use of humor in online instruction. Our findings showed that humor enhances e-learning, especially the social aspects of online courses.

Aim Cautiously

I failed math so many times I can’t even count.

—Francis Stewart

The careful selection of humor targets for e-learning is critical. When potentially “risky” humor is used in the traditional classroom, the teacher’s delivery can signal an impending joke and potentially minimize any negative reactions. Students provide immediate feedback that indicates whether the humor was suitable and should be used again. But in the virtual classroom, humor cannot be communicated or embellished by nonverbal cues, and e-learning humor can’t be easily retracted. It leaves a paper trail for the PC police. Therefore instructors must carefully consider how students might react before adding humor to online instruction. The safest targets for the online classroom are the same as the traditional classroom—the teacher and course material.

See the Funny

Visual humor is especially effective in e-learning. Cartoons, illustrations, and photographs can easily be integrated throughout an online course, and visuals can be used as a punch line for a joke. When discussing the difficulty of examinations, a setup might be “And this is how students often feel after a test …” with a photograph or cartoon of frightened individuals serving as the punch line. If the visual is hidden behind a hyperlink, the funny will be maximized.

Well, tests ain't fair. Those who study have an unfair advantage.

—Allan Dare Pearce

Photographs and illustrations can be doctored with editing software to produce a humorous result, and it’s easy to produce whimsical GIFs and Vine videos. Integrating personal photographs or “home movies” into online instruction can bring a more personalized and intimate feel to the often sterile e-learning experience.

Embed the Funny

The placement and duration of humor used in online lecture modules are critical to the flow of instruction. Short, simple jokes are most suitable for the introduction and can include a funny section header, a photograph or illustration with a whimsical caption, a humorous quote, or exaggerated learning goals. Longer and more elaborate humor is best suited as unit closers, such as links to funny websites or YouTube clips.

Humor permits students a momentary escape from an online lecture, and transitions can include topic-related tangents or self-deprecating stories. Integrating humorous personal stories or “rants” into lecture modules also offers the chance to expand on previously discussed lecture topics. By clearly identifying the tangent, students recognize that the rant is separate from the lecture. And because the commentaries tangentially support course topics, the rants also serve as teaching opportunities.

Fun for All

Collaborative projects encourage students to identify and screen potential course material. For extra credit, students could find sources of humor on any course topic. The creation of discussion boards, like an “After Hours Club,” would encourage students to post jokes, funny observations, or course-relevant Web links.

Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I may remember. Involve me, and I'll understand.

—Chinese Proverb

If students assist with finding material, then specific guidelines, such as the three criteria described at the beginning of the chapter, will be needed. Without clear-cut boundaries, students will likely submit inappropriate humor including an overabundance of tacky selfies.

Help Desk

Experienced e-learning instructors often prepare “canned” responses for student problems sent via e-mail or posted on a discussion board. The most common questions concern technical problems and might be answered with lighthearted advice.

Either visit Adobe.com for a free version of Acrobat Reader or buy a real computer like an iMac.

Take a deep breath, consume an adult beverage, and try again. If you still have problems, then drink a stronger adult beverage and contact the IT Help Desk.

As Yoda said, “Do. Or, do not. There is no try.”

Humor in Action

Although online learning is convenient, many students find it to be tedious and boring. To address this, Frank LoSchiavo and I, with assistance from Matt Colemen, published the first study of the planned, systematic use of humor in online instruction. Our findings showed that humor enhances e-learning, especially the social aspects of online courses. The following examples were used in an online context and are psychology based, yet they illustrate the wide-ranging potential of humor as an instructional strategy.

Lecture modules contained a sprinkling of fictitious items based on wordplay.

Silly Names

Anita Prozac

I.M. Sane

Sy Kosis

Definitions

Independent variable: doesn’t need other variables to feel good about itself

Double-blind experiment: both the researcher and subjects are blindfolded

Medications

Anti-flunkotic: a major relaxant for forgetting a really bad test score

Cramonol: a stimulate for pulling all-nighters

Examadril: a memory enhancer for studying

Books

Stalking, Locating Spies, and Other Practical Uses of Paranoid Disorders

Overcrowding: The Internal Life of a Multiple Personality

Unit closers included extended humor pieces using exaggeration.

Questions Yet to Be Answered by Psychologists

Does Play-Doh promote OCD?

How does the metric system affect the self-esteem of inchworms?

The Real Warning Signs of Obesity

The only number on your speed dial is Pizza Hut

Seven times daily you say, “Super-size, please!”

You receive frequent flyer miles from Burger King

Triples included the following.

You probably will not pass this class if you think a hard drive involves an SUV, if you go to the bathroom to matriculate, or if you wonder why all college principals are named Dean.

Seldom-used yet practical applications of hypnosis include training men to ask for directions, forgetting your last test score, and convincing your parents that completing a college degree takes seven years.

Pass, Fail, Or Laugh

Exams are serious business—just ask third graders preparing for their first Common Core test. High stakes testing is happening at every level of education and is adding significant stress to students’ lives. Fortunately humor can lighten the pressure of examinations and improve performance.

In high school, I could not pass a math test. I couldn’t pass a drug test, either. There may be a correlation.

—Lynda Montgomery

The occasional use of humor in examinations is appropriate under certain conditions. Students should be forewarned, and the use of humor must not interfere with their ability to complete the test in the allotted time. Humor can be incorporated into examinations in several ways.

I never did very well in math—I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

—Calvin Trillin

Test Directions

Test directions can include a whimsical remark or silly instruction.

Use of a No. 2 pencil because No. 3 or No. 4 pencils may cause carpal tunnel syndrome.

Keep your eyes on your own paper—it makes your writing more legible for classmates.

If you don’t have a No. 2 pencil, you may use two No. 1 pencils.

Lighthearted quotes could also be added to test directions.

I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

—Homer Simpson

Hey Google, why don't you sit next to me during my exam?

—Khat Leen

A burp is not an answer.

—Bart Simpson

Exam Questions

Humor can be injected into test questions without causing significant distraction. Application-based questions often include names that can be reformatted with cartoon, fairy tale, movie, or television characters.

After Charlie missed a kick during an important football game, he became depressed and vowed to quit the team. The school psychologist challenged his illogical reasoning and pointed out that Mr. Brown’s “incompetence” didn’t always occur. The psychologist’s response was most typical of a ___________ therapist.

a. behavioral

b. psychoanalytic

c. client-centered

d. cognitive

Self-deprecating humor also works in exams by inserting the teacher’s name into test questions.

Mark is continually tense, jittery, and apprehensive for no specific reason. Dr. Shatz’s diagnosis would probably be:

a. phobia.

b. post-traumatic stress disorder.

c. obsessive-compulsive disorder.

d. generalized anxiety disorder.

Choice “e”

Inserting humor into test item choices can sometimes be distracting. Yet ridiculous answers can be added to multiple-choice questions by using an additional distractor (choice “e”). If students are forewarned that choice “e” can never be the correct answer, then the humor will not interfere with performance.

Which of the following behavior occurs the most frequently?

a. schizophrenia

b. phobias

c. depression

d. OCD

e. Kardashian selfies

The “Final” Item

Students can be alerted that the test will conclude with a humorous question (that will not be graded).

The exam is over and you

a. hope this was a bad dream

b. should have read the book

c. probably should have at least bought the book

d. wonder if it’s too late to drop the course

There also could be a final course item.

This is the last exam question for the course. Let’s finish the class as a winner. What comes after “c”?

a. Nope.

b. Still wrong.

c. Getting closer.

d. Bingo: You’re a winner.

The Writing Lab: Answers

The following are possible essay questions. What if:

animals could talk?

movie characters sold items on e-Bay (for sale, ruby slippers, contact Dorothy)?

maps were relabeled with funny names for geographic locations and landmarks?

the periodical table was revised to include snack foods?

cartoon characters applied for jobs (SpongeBob seeking fast-food employment)?

Recap

Comedians entertain, and educators educate, so humor written for the classroom must promote instruction. Otherwise it may be considered as inappropriate or fluff. Humor is not a pedagogical panacea, and the mere inclusion of humor will not assure that learning will occur. But when used properly, humor is an invaluable instructional tool for reminding teachers and students that learning is fun.

Chapter 14

That’s a Wrap

Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

—Gene Fowler

Any intelligent person can learn humor, work at it, and even produce it. The problem is that the commercial world won’t pay enough for second best to allow everyone to make a living. In humor, good enough is no longer good enough. Only a few of those who study humor go on to become professional humorists, but the same is true in many professions.

I did stand-up comedy for eighteen years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success. I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a by-product. The course was more plodding than heroic.

—Steve Martin

Comedy is a lot like professional sports. Past successes are history. You get paid for today’s hits. One difference is that in baseball, a .300 hitter earns a million dollars and the fans are deliriously happy all season. But a .300 batting average in comedy would get professional performers to go from boos to booze in a week.

The only way to deal with bombing is by bombing a lot. You just learn to handle it. I guess you never really want to bomb, but if it’s not going your way, then you might as well enjoy the ride down.

—Dave Attell

With that kind of failure rate, you’d think any person who had reached the age of reason would take up plumbing. Yet, writing and performing humor is rising in popularity. There are simply not enough qualified writers today to fill the increasing need. Besides the standard venues, more and more markets are begging for humor material: speeches, blogs, newsletters, advertising, social media, and online education. Moreover, if you’re successful, the money in comedy is so plentiful that professional practitioners are like well-endowed actors in a porn movie—“You mean I get paid for doing that?”

Since you’re only as good as your last joke, there’s considerable insecurity in comedy writing—and a great deal of turnover. There are six ways that you can improve your chances of succeeding as a professional humor writer.

1. Work With Others. Write with a partner whenever possible. Despite the added difficulty of scheduling, teams of two or three writers spark each other’s wit and test and refine each other’s ideas. “I love working with other writers,” wrote humorist Phillip Lasker. “I have learned to appreciate surrounding myself with talent. Others may have better lines than you or better story points. You have to listen to those you respect, and it’s also fun to notice that the great writers are listening to you.”

As Eric Idle of the six-member Monty Python group observed:

Getting six guys to agree on what’s funny is easy. We read it aloud. If we laugh, it’s in; if we don’t, it’s out. If four guys think something’s funny and two guys think it’s not, we solve that very simply: We take the two guys out and kill ’em.

Often a student will point out that a single person, like Charlie Chaplin or Neil Simon, wrote the most famous comedies. Well, if you’re as good as Chaplin or Simon, you can do it alone, too!

2. Hire An Agent. Agents are a great example of a catch-22 situation. The big agents won’t touch unknowns, but beginners can’t become known without an agent. There are many exceptions, however, and your job is to find them. Playwright Abe Burrows said he thought of his agent as family. When Burrows paid his agent 10 percent, he didn’t think of it as a commission, but as sending money home to mother.

Little by little the agents have taken over the world. They don't do anything, they don't make anything, and they just stand there and take their cut.

—Jean Giraud

Stephen King believes that successful writing calls for talent, a self-critical eye, and the willingness to mercy kill bad material. He also recommends that writers follow his First Rule of Writers and Agents: “You don't need [an agent] until you're making enough for someone to steal, and if you're making that much, you'll be able to take your pick of good agents.”

When you reach the point of needing professional help, names and addresses of agents can be obtained by searching the Internet. Just never give a new agent your wallet to hold when you go onstage.

3. Test, Test, Test. Humor can’t be tested in a vacuum. You need an audience, and it must be an audience that’s receptive to humor. If you can’t find an audience, try your jokes out on another humor professional—writer or performer. Don’t walk up to a stranger and ask, “What d’ya think of this?” The only thing worse than that is trying your humor out on your friends, spouse, parents, or children. They are too subjective, too critical, and—instead of just relaxing and enjoying it—they turn into pseudo-analysts.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it.

—Jon Stewart

Only one out of every ten jokes will probably work the first time out. Moreover, no joke will ever please every person in the audience. It’s impossible. Getting laughs from 50 percent of the audience is doing very well.

If you’re writing material for public speaking, put thirty seconds of new material at the very beginning of a tested speech. The first thirty seconds are the toughest because that’s when the audience is most skeptical, so if the new material goes over then, you know it has merit.

If I get big laughs, I’m a comedian. If I get little laughs, I’m a humorist. If I get no laughs, I’m a singer.

—George Burns

Jokes are like machine-gun bullets. They don’t all hit the target, but if you shoot enough of them accurately at the audience, you’ll kill ’em. Count one point for a twitter of laughter, two points for a solid laugh, and three points for applause. If a joke doesn’t score any points after at least three attempts, throw it out. If it gets only one point, try rewriting it so your score is constantly going up.

4. Write, Write, Write. Writing humor is an all-day assignment, because new ideas can pop into your head anytime, anywhere. Some writers feel humor can be conceived even when they dream, so be sure to keep a notebook by your bed.

Once you’ve learned the basic techniques, don’t let anybody talk you out of writing your own way. Humor styles change with each generation, and while formulas rarely vary, standard subject matter, formats, fads, and characterizations are constantly being challenged. New ideas are the lifeblood of comedy, as they are of most businesses. And most new ideas take at least several years to germinate.

5. See, Hear, Speak Funny. In addition to luck and perseverance, your success as a humor writer depends on four things:

Watching. Look for the absurdities of life. Notice the physical actions that bring a smile to people’s lips.

Reading. If you read something funny, make a note of it. Notice the construction. Keep adding to your joke file.

Listening. Try to remember how people phrase things; what Mel Brooks calls “the rhythm of human speech.” Things that look good on paper don’t always perform well. We don’t speak in full sentences, we often skip words, and we usually use contractions.

Speaking. Do your own stand-up. Don’t hesitate to deliver your own material in a meeting, at private parties, or to dinner guests. You’ll notice how audiences differ, how your performance differs, and how important it is to have the right material for the right audience.

6. Have Fun. Urban legend claims that actor Edmund Kean uttered the following on his deathbed: “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.”

It doesn’t matter whether the tale is fact or fiction—the quote is accurate. Comedy is hard, and it takes years of practice, dedication, and rejection to be a successful humor writer.

Yet, life is brief, and you might as well enjoy the journey. Therefore our final advice is simple. Think funny, write funny, and have fun.

In the end, everything is a gag.

—Charlie Chaplin