AT THE ORGASM RESEARCH FOUNDATION

Dr. Roger Prong, who was known by some

foundation employees as "a bloody Peeping Tom"

and a "horny old voyeur" was in fact very

scientific, or so he always insisted as he watched

the girls having orgasms.

At the laboratory, Josie Welch, already nude but

with a single sheet demurely spread over her full

and obviously glorious body, looked unhappy as

Roger entered.

"They tell me there won't be any men today, "

she said as soon as she saw the doctor.

" T h a t ' s right, my dear, " he said with professional unction. "That part of your testing is finished. Today we move on to the part that you'll

find even more gratifying. "

The sheet slipped a bit, revealing several inches

of round, tense breast. "You want me to try

dames?" she asked with some confusion of

emotions; curiosity and guilt flicked in her lovely

blue eyes. "I never tried that scene before. I'm not queer, you know. But if it's for science, well,

maybe... " She obviously was hoping to be

convinced.

What a fantastic piece of hot lustful woman she

was, Roger thought irrelevantly.

THE SEX MAGICIANS

ROBERT ANTON WILSON

A SHEFFIELD HOUSE BOOK

PUBLISHED BY GX, INCORPORATED

AT THE ORGASM RESEARCH FOUNDATION

Dr. Roger Prong, who was known by some

foundation employees as "a bloody Peeping Tom"

and a "horny old voyeur" was in fact very

scientific—or so he always insisted as he watched

the girls having orgasms.

At the laboratory, Josie Welch, already nude but

with a single sheet demurely spread over her full

and obviously glorious body, looked unhappy as

Roger entered.

"They tell me there won't be any men today, "

she said as soon as she saw the doctor.

" T h a t ' s right, my dear, " he said with professional unction. "That part of your testing is finished. Today we move on to the part that you'll

find even more gratifying. "

The sheet slipped a bit, revealing several inches

of round, tense breast. "You want me to try

dames?" she asked with some confusion of

emotions; curiosity and guilt flicked in her lovely

blue eyes. "I never tried that scene before. I'm not queer, you know. But if it's for science, well,

maybe... " She obviously was hoping to be

convinced.

What a fantastic piece of hot lustful woman she

was, Roger thought irrelevantly.

6 The Sex Magicians

The Sex Magicians 7

Research, a multimillion-dollar project dedicated

Above his desk was a motto suggested ironically

to filling in the psychological intangibles left out of by a skeptical friend. Dr. Prong saw nothing funny

the pioneering research of Masters and Johnson.

about it at all and adopted it as his own banner:

Since these psychological intangibles were—as Dr.

SCIENCE, PURE SCIENCE, AND DAMNED BE

Prong sometimes wittily remarked "both

HE WHO FIRST CRIES "HOLD, TOO MUCH!"

psychological and intangible, " there was no end to As he often said in his high-paid lectures to

his research. Meanwhile the money came rolling in.

medical societies, psychiatric conventions, YMCA's

Roger was, according to a survey by a

and PTA's, "It's just not true that 'if you've seen management analyst, one of the seventeen men in

one orgasm, you've seen them all. ' Why,

the United States who was totally happy with his

Heracleitus—a great Greek philosopher who wrote

job.

over 109 fragments—once said that you can't step

Other researchers sometimes expressed envy of

into the same river twice, because it's changing

this fact. "What red-blooded man, " one of them every second and so are you. Well, a man can't step

had once asked cynically, "wouldn't be happy

into the same vagina twice, either. "

supervising and observing other people's orgasms

Dr. Prong had supervised 23, 017 orgasms to

and pulling down a swift sixty grand a year for it?"

date, and his curiosity was still strong.

This was somewhat unfair to a dedicated

As he settled himself at his desk, he observed

scientist. Roger Prong was truly fascinated by

that Miss Tayl, his secretary, had already poured

orgasms—as Edison was by electricity—and had an

his coffee for him. Fine: the girl was really getting

inexhaustible curiosity about every possible factor

broken to the harness. Neatly, he whipped out his

involved in every possible orgasm, twitch, itch,

thermometer and measured the black liquid in the

moan, gibber, gasp, shudder, or howl connected

cup. 98. 4 degrees. Excellent: she was learning to

with that dramatic biological tremor. Even more,

meet his exact demands.

however, he was fascinated by lines, curves,

Dr. Prong could not abide inexactitude or

averages, graphs and every aspect of mathematics

sloppiness in any human activity. "A thing worth

that could be clearly visualized. The world, for

doing, " he would explain to his subordinates, "is him, was made up of shapes, not things; of

worth doing right. " He said this often, and relations, not entities. He lived in a universe of

malicious members of the staff said it even more

forms that could be written as equations and

often, when he was out of earshot, with a tone and

traced on graph paper.

an expression that were caricatures of his own.

8

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With a smile on his lips and a glint in his eye,

Miss Welch was the latest candidate for possible

Roger Prong buzzed Miss Tayl. "What's first for

come champion. She had been fetched—along with today?" he asked cheerfully, eager to plunge

quite a few washouts and pretenders—by an ad the

directly back into the thick of things, as was

foundation had placed in various underground

typical of him on Monday mornings.

newspapers throughout the nation:

"Subject in laboratory three, " the secretary said in a trained and neutral tone. "An m. o. "

SEXPOT WANTED

Roger was immediately entranced. The m. o.

No, this is not a seduction come-on. An

project was one of his pet investigations. The

important scientific project requires a woman

initials stood for multiorgasmic, and the research who loves sex even more than she loves

was devoted to finding how many orgasms a truly

breathing. If this fits you, write to Box 23,

multiorgasmic woman could have in a single sex

Chicago, General Post Office.

session. The lack of this data in scientific literature $500 fee, discretion guaranteed. An equal

often struck Dr. Prong as a particularly telling

opportunity employer.

example of the horrible influence of puritanism in

preventing important discoveries. "After all, " as he The neurotic, the scrawny, the unattractive had

said to his colleagues when outlining this project,

answered in droves, and weeding them out had

"we know the tallest mountain in the world, and

taken a long time. Miss Welch—Josie, to her

the longest river, and the biggest star in the galaxy, friends—seemed to be the real article, at least

and where the Pacific Ocean is deepest, and who

according to the preliminary tests the previous

wrote the longest novel in history, and even who

week in which she had exhausted ten strong men,

ate the most pies in all the pie-eating contests since including the original Cuban Superman who had

records were kept on that. Isn't it terrible that we

been found and hired by the foundation at great

don't know the come champion of the world?"

expense.

It was Roger's habit to talk in racy and slangy

Today, the real test would be given.

terms on occasion when addressing foundation

Roger Prong's eyes sparkled at the thought.

employees. "It relieves the tension. " he would Some foundation employees having seen the gleam

explain if a visitor was upset. "Call a spade a

were known to remark among themselves that the

spade, " he would add emphatically, unless the

good doctor was "a bloody Peeping Tom" or "a visitor happened to be black.

horny old voyeur. " In fact, his anticipation was, as 10

The Sex Magicians

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11

he always insisted, largely scientific. He was truly

the weekend. With an effort, he resumed his

curious to see what number would finally emerge

professional manner.

as the total number of single-session orgasms by

"No, " he said quietly. "No—er—dames. What we the world's come champion.

have in mind harks back to some of the early

Twirling his dapper bow tie debonairly, Roger

Masters-Johnson research. We intend to use the

Prong, physician and scientist, strode down the hall

artificial coital equipment—the ACE, we call it. "

to Laboratory three.

"A machine?" she said, disappointed. "I don't Josie Welch, already nude but with a single sheet

know if I can really—uh, respond—to a machine. "

demurely spread over her full and obviously

"You can, my dear, you can, " Dr. Prong said glorious body, looked unhappy as Roger entered.

softly. "We've never had a woman in this type of

"They tell me there won't be any men today, "

experiment who didn't express that doubt at first,

she said as soon as she saw the doctor.

and we never had one who didn't respond-

" T h a t ' s right, my dear, " he said with magnificently. Believe me, Miss Welch. "

professional unction. "That part of your testing is

"You can call me Josie, " she said demurely. The finished. Today we move on to the part that you'll

sheet slipped an inch further. In a minute, if it kept find even more gratifying. "

slipping, that gorgeous nipple—like a chocolate

The sheet slipped a bit, revealing several inches

gumdrop, he thought—would be visible. God was

of round, tense breast. "You want me to try

kind, Roger thought abstractly, to give such a

dames?" she asked with some confusion of

horny wench just the kind of voluptuous overripe

emotions; curiosity and guilt flickered in her lovely

body that attracted all the men she wanted.

blue eyes. "I never tried that scene before. I'm not

"First of all, " he said professionally, "you must queer, you know. But if it's for science, well,

choose the—ah—penile surrogate. " At her blank

maybe.... " She obviously was hoping to be

glance, he added "The imitation cock that suits

convinced.

you best. " Turning, he called to one of the

What a fantastic piece of hot lustful woman she

technicians, "Joe, bring over the sticks. That's our was, Roger thought irrelevantly. Despite his

local slang, " he added to Miss Welch—Josie, he

scientific attitude, he felt himself secretly longing

corrected himself mentally.

for the moments ahead when the sheet would

He also cursed, not for the first time, the

finally be swept aside to reveal that incredible

professional standards that would ruin his career if

body which had appeared in his dreams twice over

he ever touched one of the experimental subjects.

12

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13

Josie was very tempting, and she knew it.

about is enjoying yourself just as much as your

"Here they are, " said Joe, a youngster built like little heart desires, ha ha. " What man of mere flesh a bull. As always, he looked a bit embarrassed to

and blood, he wondered privately, could satisfy the

be presenting these objects to a female

hunger in those tense eyes of hers?

experimental subject. In his hands he held a tray

Joe wheeled over the ACE machine and affixed

with five realistic-looking plastic penes upon it, in

it on the foot of the bed, guiding it at the proper

varying sizes. Josie hesitated, for once seeming to

angle to give her hand access to the handle. It

feel embarrassed herself.

looked like an ithyphallic robot. The King Kong

"We have nicknames for them, " Roger said

penis dangled, impressively, just above the crotch

smoothly, to distract her from negative emotion.

hairs slightly visible through the thin white sheet.

"The little one is the Casper Milquetoast. The

Joe's neck was redder than ever. "All set, " he said others, in ascending order are the Errol Flynn, the

brightly, and retreated to the door.

Primo Carnera, the Sword of Conan, and, ha ha,

Joe couldn't bear to watch these performances

the King Kong. "

ever since the time he had come in his trousers, to

The girl's eyes were a bit glazed. "I'll take the the amusement of another technician.

King Kong, " she said hoarsely.

Josie Welch reached out a tentative hand and

God, what a horny bitch, Roger thought. She

felt the gigantic penis hovering above her

was obviously turning on already. He made a note

midsection. "It's not cold, " she said gratefully.

on his pad: "Susceptible to visual stimuli—penes. "

"We keep it at body temperature. There are

- "Set it up, " he said to Joe. The young

microscopic heating coils inside, " Roger explained.

technician retreated, the back of his neck

There was a pause. He watched her hand moving

somewhat red.

along the gigantic shaft. In imagination, he vividly

"You will control the equipment yourself, " he felt the same hand upon his shaft. I am a

began explaining to Josie, having some trouble in

professional, he reminded himself sternly.

meeting her out-of-focus eyes. "By moving the

"Well, " he said. "Any time you're ready. "

handle that will be next to your right hand, you

"I get $500 toward next year's tuition, " the girl can increase or decrease the speed and also the

said hoarsely. "And it's for science. "

depth of thrust. Now, the object as I have

"That's right, " he said. "For science. "

explained is to measure your m. o. q. —your

"$500, " she repeated.

multiorgasmic quotient—so all you have to think

"$500, " he agreed, humoring her. They both

14

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15

knew she would do it for free. He had never seen

But his eyes darted back again to her bush, gold

such a way-out look in he eyes of any undrugged

and glittering, as she moved the handle of the ACE

female.

machine and lowered the penis to nudge the

"Take the sheet off me, " she whispered.

bottom hairs,

"I can't do that, " Roger said, straining to avoid

"Er, you can use it on the clitoris first, gently, a break in his voice, his eyes on the crotch beneath

to lubricate yourself, " Roger said controlling his the sheets. "You know I can't touch you or the

voice.

bed in any way. Professional ethics. "

"I'm lubricated already, " she said in a strangled

"Oh, yes, " she said. "I forgot, "

voice, and the first three inches of King Kong

There was another pause.

pushed into the bush, her lips expanding around it.

. "For science, " he said gently.

Those lips were the clearest pink Roger had ever

"For science, " she agreed. Slowly, she pushed seen on any woman and he felt a wave of dizziness

the sheet down, revealing those globes that had

as he identified with the machine. Her eyes, he

twice tormented his sleep. She must be at least a

noted, were still open for a second, but completely

forty-two, he thought, and who ever saw such

out of focus. Then she closed them and began

enormous nipples before? Then, with more

pulling the handle rhythmically. She was trying to

determination, she pushed the sheet the rest of the

take all fourteen inches immediately.

way in one motion and kicked it from the bed. She

With some awe, he saw that she had actually

was nude before him.

succeeded. My God, what a vaginal expansion, he

Josie Welch had a body, as one of her lovers had

thought. He began jotting rapidly. "Nipples fully once remarked, "that would make a Bishop kick a

erect at twenty-three seconds. Sex-flush on breasts

hole in a stained-glass window. " From the tip of and neck at thirty seconds. Subject says 'God'

her blonde head to her lovely little toes, she was

quite clearly at thirty-six seconds.... "

only five feet and two inches, but in hat space were

The gigantic penis called King Kong, as the

the breasts and hips of a pagan mother-goddess,

scientist was writing, was creating an uproar in the

with the waist of a Petty Girl. Her belly was

nervous system of Miss Josephine Welch, the

remarkably flat, tapering down to an authentic

subject. As it slipped and slid in her moist pussy,

blonde bush, glistening with the sweat of her

she felt as if she were floating and allowed her left

mounting desire. The thighs, white as cream, were

hand to run down her body, over the breasts, down

full and rounded. The lower legs tapered prettily.

over her belly into the bush. Rhythmically, in time

16

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17

with hot fast fucking motion of the warm shaft

would be. The man who designed this was a

inside her, she rubbed the bush, while the other

genius. " He noticed her hand moving toward the

hand slowly increased the King Kong motion. In

handle again, and King Kong slowly began to

her mind's eye she was not having sex at all, but

withdraw from her red and moist pussy-mouth.

dancing with an attractive professor at her college.

When it was three-quarters of the way out, he

As they whirled in tune to the music, she imagined

estimated, or about ten inches out, she slowly

his wife in a corner of the dance floor glaring at her eased it back in again. "It was better than a man, "

with hate, and she pressed harder against his body,

she said sleepily. (He had heard that before, and he

feeling the real penis in this fantasy blur-world

always unprofessionally ached at the thought. )

moving harder and faster inside her. Oh, my cunt,

"No man could be so big and so hard for so long, "

she thought, my cunt is on fire. My cunt is on fire.

she added, moving it again in a slow in-and-out arc.

She was shouting it, "My cunt is on fire. " The Dr. Prong forced himself to hold his breath, trying

professor's wife was choking with rage.

to stifle his beginning erection by starving it for

"On fire, " she heard Doctor Prong mumble as he oxygen. She was moving the handle quite

scribbled another note. Immediately, the professor

rhymically. "And I can keep this up as long as I

vanished from her internal movie screen, ACE

want, " she said dreamily.

vanished with him, and she visualized Dr. Prong

"Yes, " he said. "That's the object. To find out upon the bed, ramming his own prick into her.

just how much you really, truly, want. "

"On fire, " she shouted again, "On fire, and I'm But she wasn't really listening. The giant penis

coming. "

was moving quite rapidly again, and she was off in

Indeed, she was. "One, " Dr. Prong said hoarsely, her dreams. "Oh, fuck me, " he heard her murmur making a note. He watched as the giant plastic

quietly once. "Oh, fuck me, darling, fuck me. "

penis stopped; she was too far gone to move the

Then she lost all control of her hand, and the

handle, breathing like a horse crossing the finishing

machine stopped. Only her own spasm created the

line at Hialeah. With an effort, she summoned the

friction that drove her over the edge into insane

energy to push the handle a few more times. Then

ecstasy of coming again. He watched in awe as her

she rested, all fourteen hot realistic inches inside

hungry cunt leaped up the shaft of the giant cock

her.

again and again and again. "My cunt, my cunt, " he

"It was wonderful, " she murmured absently.

heard her mutter in delerium. "Oh, my darling

"Not at all like a machine. Not like I was afraid it cunt. " It was the complete narcissistic experience: 18

The Sex Magicians

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19

masturbation without a shadow of guilt or fear. Dr.

the way to Jupiter. " And somewhere the monolith

Prong envied the younger generation. She actually

theme was playing, a haunting poly-rhythm exactly

felt no shame about being in love with her own

in time to the slow pulsations of her vaginal

internal organs.

muscles as she gripped the enormous penis,

But he had misjudged the girl's romantic soul.

relaxed, gripped it again, and felt it driving higher

"What do you call this again?" she asked a few and higher within the tenderest and most sensitive

moments later, as she was beginning the slow

part of her. Ace was not like other men: he did

in-and-out motions in her lovely blonde bush again.

exactly what she wanted in the very split second

"ACE, " he said. "Artificial Coital Equipment. "

that she wanted it. (In her delirium, she had quite

"Ace, " she breathed. "Why, what a lovely forgotten that she was manipulating the control

name. " And then, as the motions slowly increased, handle. ) With mounting passion she bucked her

he heard her mutter occasionally, "Ace, do it to

magnificent pelvis upward, forcing her cunt lips

me, baby, " and "Ace, fuck me, fuck my hot cunt, higher and higher on the fourteen-inch shaft,

you devil, " and "Ace, you're so big and strong, gibbering with raw sensation, "Oh, you brutal

you darling, you devil, you darling devil, " and so bastard, you god, fuck the piss and shit out of

on—girl-talk, that kind of thing—until he was

me. "

practically choking in his attempts to maintain

Dr. Prong's face had a curious, ashy-white color.

scientific objectivity and stifle his rubbery and

Science and professional ethics were crumbling. He

trembling cock. Watching that adorable creature,

wanted to leap upon he bed, throw the ACE

so young, so blonde, so pagan, fucking that

machine to he floor and take her. His erection was

machine and talking to it like a lover—well, he had

pulsating and his vision was red with pain and

observed many such sessions before, but never with

need. "To hell with the A. M. A., " he muttered such a beautiful girl, or one so frankly erotic.

thickly, lurching forward.

Josie herself, that sublime heathen, was off in a

Just then the phone rang.

new fantasy in which ACE was talking back to her

in the sensuous, somewhat faggotty, somewhat

sinister but undoubtedly sub—or super-human

voice of HAL, the whacked-out computer from

2001: A Space Odyssey. "All the way, Josie, " he was saying, "we're going all the way this time. All The Sex Magicians

21

would put a man on the moon by the end of that

decade, profits had soared. Markoff Chaney now

had a guaranteed annuity amounting to $3600 per

year, $300 per month. It was enough for his

purposes. Revenge, in good measure, he would

have. He would have revenge.

Living in Spartan fashion, dining often on a tin

Chapter Two

of sardines and a pint of milk from a machine,

traveling always by Greyhound bus, the midget

Are you drinking the water or the wave?

criss-crossed the country constantly, raising all the

hell he could in each location and vanishing

The midget, whose name was Markoff Chaney,

inconspicuously. Born with a real gift for

was no relative of the famous Chaneys of

electronics, his original inspiration had been

Hollywood, but people did keep making jokes

connected with the WALK and DONT WALK

about that. It was bad enough to be, by the

signs in large cities. It was easy for him to rewire

standards of the gigantic and stupid majority, a

them so that the WALK sign lit up when the light

freak; much worse to be so named as to remind

was red and DONT WALK when the light was

those big oversized clods of cinema's two most

green. This afforded him much amusement, but he

famous portrayers of monster-freaks. By the time

soon discovered that people in New York, Chicago,

the midget was fifteen, he had built up a

Denver and such metropolises were quite accus-

detestation for ordinary mankind that dwarfed (he

tomed to nothing ever working properly; they

hated the word) the relative misanthropies of Paul

darted across the streets whenever there was a

of Tarsus, Clement of Alexandria or Swift of

break in the traffic and ignored the idiotic double-

Dublin. Revenge for sure, he would have. He would

bind in the traffic signals.

have revenge.

Markoff Chaney branched out. His new

His father had been a stockholder in Blue Sky

inspiration occurred while strolling through

Inc., long regarded as the worst turkey on the Big

Norton's Emporium, a glorified five and ten cent

Board. (It produced devices to be used in making

store in San Francisco. A sigh caught his eye:

rocket landings on low-gravity planets. ) When John

F. Kennedy had announced in 1960 that the U. S.

NO SALES PERSON MAY LEAVE THE

22 ; The Sex Magicians

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23

FLOOR WITHOUT PERMISSION OF A

be challenged in modern America; the midget

SUPERIOR—THE MGT.

could always pass himself off as the management.

Better yet: there was a faint tone of irritation

What? he thought. Are the poor girls supposed

permeating the building now. His interpolated

to pee in their panties if they can't find the

phrase—with its pointlessness and its emphasizing

superior? Then he reflected further. Mathematics,

of the awkward internal rhyme in the original-

of course. It was part of the great plot by the

bothered everybody, but in a subliminal way not

statistical majority to streamline everyone and

open to conscious reflection. Sales, he guessed

everything, to reduce even biological functions to

correctly, were falling off.

predictable lines that could be drawn on graphs.

This was far better thai, the WALK/DON'T

Give the corporations another hundred years, he

WALK fuck-up. Not for nothing had he once spent

thought bitterly, and they'll have everybody peeing

a semester in Professor "Sheets" Kelly's intensive at exactly 11 a. m. every morning. This was just

seminar on modern poetry at Antioch College.

another part of his anarchistic and lonely struggle:

Poetry was the answer to the statisticians and

the midget versus the digits.

averagers: poetry in reverse. The awkward, the

The next Saturday he was back in Norton's and

unexpected, the idiotic. He wrote in his diary the

had himself safely hidden in a coffee urn at closing

motto of his future efforts: Insanity is the only

time. When he crept out the back door in the

viable alternative.

darkness, the sign was down and in its place an

His journeys continued, and his surrealist signs

improved surrealist version concocted by himself:

were left behind wherever he stopped. Men paid

large fees to enter exclusive clubs where the waiters

NO SALES PERSON MAY LEAVE THE

were carefully trained to be almost as snobbish as

FLOOR OR LOOK OUT THE DOOR

the clientele, then felt subtly insulted by signs

W I T H O U T P E R M I S S I O N OF A

warning them

SUPERIOR-THE MGT.

WATCH YOUR HAT AND COAT!

Markoff Chaney returned to the store several

WE CANNOT REPLACE STOLEN

times in the next few weeks testing out his

PROPERTY !-THE MGT.

experiment. It was as he expected: the sign

remained. Nothing signed "THE MGT. " would ever In Dallas, he found entry to the most WASPish

24

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25

and expensive hobby shop in the world and left

quite impatient for the staff to leave so he could

b e h i n d a t e r s e NO SMOKING, NO

set about his cheerful task for the night.

SPITTING-THE MGT. The clientele, who didn't

Two editors passed, talking.

like to be considered the types who might spit on

"Who's the Pussycat interview for next month?"

somebody's floor, fumed, but none of the

one asked.

employees dared to remove a sign authorized by

1 ' Roger Prong. You know, from Orgasm

THE MGT.

Research. "

A slowly rising wave of anarchy followed in

"Oh. "

Markoff Chaney's wake. Riots erupted in Watts,

The midget had heard of Orgasm Research

Philadelphia, Rochester, a flaming picnic blanket

before and it was, of course, on his shit list. More

crossed the sixties; students, infuriated by memos

statistics and averages, more of the modern search

they could not understand, seized college offices;

for the norm that he could never be. And now the

older folk, driven by the same sense that there was

bastard who headed it, Roger Prong, would be

insanity at the helm of the nation, drifted into

interviewed by Pussycat— and probably would get organizations like the John Birch Society or the

to ball all the gorgeous Pussiettes in the local

Minutemen. By 1970, a senate committee an-

Pussycat Club. The midget fumed. Orgasm

nounced that there had been over 3000 terrorist

Research moved from the middle of his shit list to

bombings in the United States in a single year. Still

the top, replacing his arch enemy Bell Telephone.

Markoff Chaney was not satisfied. Everybody taller

The thought of Dr. Prong remained with him all

than a hobbit was on his shit list, and they would

night, as he ground out his nihilist vacation memo

all, by God, eat turd before he died.

on the office Xerox. He was still fuming when he

One day in 1972, the midget was in Chicago,

returned to his pantry-size room at the YMCA and

hiding in a coffee urn in the tenth floor editorial

slipped the bolt (installed by himself) against the

offices of Pussycat magazine. He had an improved wandering and prehensile faggots who infested the

vacation-schedule memo with him, to be run off on

halls. Dr. Roger Prong, supervisor of orgasms, and

the office Xerox and distributed to each editor's

now ready to dive headfirst into a barrel of

desk. It was sure to provoke a nervous breakdown

Pussiettes. The midget suffered at the thought.

in anyone who tried to follow the bureaucratic

Savagely, he took out his deck of pornographic

jargon and actually fill out a vacation request in

Tarot cards and prepared to masturbate. The one

accordance with its provisions. He was happy and

shame of his life was his continuing virginity, for

26

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27

which he could see no remedy. Women of his own

waiting for sleep, his sour mood returned. Roger

stature turned him off entirely (there was

Prong: I must do something about that bastard, he

something incestuous about even approaching

thought.

them). The giant, so-called "normal" women were He turned on the light and crept out of bed to

the Holy Grail to him—especially the foldouts in

hunt in his bogus-letterhead file. Here were an

Pussycat— but he was afraid to approach them.

assortment of official-looking stationeries, some

Every time he saw a Women's Lib graffito saying

intended to deceive the recipient, others frankly

STAMP OUT SEXISM, he changed the last word to

aimed only at blowing the mind.

SIZE-ISM; but that only temporarily relieved his

WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D. C. said

emotions. His only solace was his raunchy Tarot.

one.

He laid out a Cabalastic Tree of Life and beamed

TRANSYLVANIAN CONSUL, OFFICE OF

at the results: Ten of Pentacles, the Fool, the Five

THE CULTURAL EXCHANGE, said another. (He

of Wands, the Hanged Man, Death, the Seven of

used that only to ask people to report any

Swords, the Three of Pentacles, the Eight of Cups,

unusually large bats in their neighborhood. )

the High Priestess, and the Wheel of Fortune. A

A third, especially tasteful, proclaimed nothing

delightful tableau for his masturbation fantasies,

less than THE PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIK-

especially the orgy vividly presented in the Eight of

HOOD OF OMNIA ESOTERICA (POOE), HOUSE

Cups. He always wondered who was supposed to

OF APOSTLES OF NULLES, BUREAU OF THE

receive that third guy's whang.

DIVISION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF

For a while the midget's hand was busy, busy,

MISCELLANEOUS PROJECTS.

busy, and so was his mind. Then he shifted

A fourth represented FRIENDS OF THE

attention to the High Priestess, who looked much

V A N I S H I N G M A L E R I A MOSQUITO

as she does in a Waite deck, except that kneeling

(COMMITTEE TO BAN D. D. T. ).

before her was a dwarf, his tongue very busy at her

A fifth, embossed with a handsome African

crotch. Markoff Chaney became the dwarf for a

sculpture of a three-eyed goddess, claimed to be

while, as the Priestess became Marilyn Monroe—the

THE CULT OF THE BLACK MOTHER,

idol of his youth—and his hand was, again, busy,

THUGGEE SOCIETY, DIVISION OF HASHISH

busy, busy.

IMPORT AND AFRO-GENEOLOGY; this was

Finally, the midget was quite happy.

used only on prominent white racists, informing

But when he crawled into bed and tossed around

them that Afro-geneological records indicated that

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29

their great-great-grandfather was black and they

Principle. ("If you move fast enough, they don't

were therefore eligible for membership in the cult.

see you. ") As he posted the letter to Orgasm

A vivid submachine gun on the bottom of the page

Research, he had another inspiration.

bore the suggestive slogan, "The bullet is mightier Thoughtfully, he stepped into a luncheonette to

than the ballot. "

consider it over a cup of hot Java. The project

Finally, the midget selected what he wanted:

would require staying in Chicago for two or three

CHRISTIANS AND ATHEISTS UNITED

weeks, but it really seemed worthwhile. Ever since

AGAINST CREEPING AGNOSTICISM, A

he had discovered Fernando Poo it had been on his

Nonprophet Organization, Reverend Billy Graham,

mind, waiting only the perfect target. Who would

President; Chou En-Lai, Chairman of the Board.

be better than a doctor who measured orgasms?

"Ye Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Shall

Fernando Poo was an island in the Bight of

Make Ye Free. "

Biafra, off the coast of Africa. It was occupied by

In a few moments he produced a letter

two tribes known, unbelievably, as the Fang and

calculated to short a few circuits in Dr. Prong's

the Bubi (pronounced Boobie. ) The midget knew computeroid cortex:

nothing more about it than that—which he had

9

gleaned from the National Geographic—but the

Dear Doctor Prong:

childishly obscene sound of the name appealed to

When you are up to your armpits in

him, and he had long speculated on the results of

alligators it's hard to remember that you

making one typical American urgently, even

started out to drain the swamp.

obsessively, aware of Fernando Poo, "The

Cordially yours,

Freudian implications are tremendous, " he

Chou En-Lai

philosophized to himself, over the coffee. "An

island that sounds like a kid's bathroom humor,

and a scientist who graphs sexual spasms. Norman

He signed with some convincing-looking Chinese

O. Brown would love it. Hail Eris. "

characters. That should make the bastard wonder a

bit, he thought with satisfaction, stuffing the

Eris, the ancient Greek goddess of Discord and

mysterious letter in an envelope and addressing it.

Chaos, was his favorite deity. One of his

When he returned to bed, he slept like a log.

letterheads, in fact, was for an imaginary

The next morning he packed and headed for the

organization called Erisian Liberation Front (ELF),

Greyhound Station, following his own Relativity

with the motto "Power to the Little People!"

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31

"Got a phone?" he asked the counterman.

the leaders of the American Scientific Community

"Booth back there" was the ungrammatical

and, quite frankly, we are looking for all the

answer.

distinguished support we can get for our next

The phone booth in the back of the shop bore a

full-page ad in the Sunday Times. I assume you're sticker saying THIS PHONE BOOTH RESERVED

aware of the plight of Fernando Poo, " he said FOR CLARK KENT. The midget smiled and made

significantly, bluffing of course (but with some

a note to order some similar stickers and distribute

assurance, since every place in the world had one

them widely. Easing himself onto the seat and

plight or another).

lowering the phone to his level, he dialed

"Oh, yes, of course, " Dr. Prong said evasively.

information for the number of Orgasm Research.

"Why don't you send me your literature and 111

As he waited, he wondered absently how the

give it a careful reading. "

Empire State Building would look adorned with a

"Doctor, " the midget said sternly, "if you were placard saying THIS SKYSCRAPER RESERVED

living on Fernando Poo, wouldn't you want Action

FOR KING KONG.

Now?"

"This is the White House, " he said soberly when

"Well, undoubtedly. Now if you'll just send me

he finally reached Dr. Prong's secretary. "The

your literature—"

President is waiting on another phone. He wishes

("Oh, Ace, darling, darling, " a female voice near to talk to Dr. Prong at once. "

the phone said distinctly. )

"I—I'll connect you to Laboratory three, " the There was a startled pause; the midget

flustered young lady replied. He listened to the

deliberately let it drag out until the doctor spoke

ring.

again.

"King K—I mean, Roger Prong, " a desperate

"Er, mark the envelope to my personal

voice stammered. Probably jacking off while

attention. You can be sure that the Fernando Poo

watching an orgasm, the midget thought savagely.

crisis has been very much on my mind. Terrible,

Still, that "King Kong" slip was an interesting simply terrible. But, ah, now I must be back to my

coincidence.

business—"

"This is Ezra Pound of the Fair Play for

("Fuck my cunt, Ace! Oh, fuck my cunt!!!")

Fernando Poo Committee, " the midget said,

"Doctor, " the midget said sternly, "are you shifting his story now that he had the victim on the

balling while you're talking to me? Is that your phone. "Your name has been given to us as one of

answer, sir, to the desperate people of Fernando

32

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Poo?"

("Now! Now!" the voice screeched, "Jesus Christ, now!!!!!")

Beautiful, the midget thought, I couldn't have

called at a better time. "Doctor Prong, " he said stiffly, "I don't think you are really the sort of man who will add stature to the Fair Play for

Fernando Poo Committee. " He hung up jarringly.

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

He set off for the public library and stage two of

his campaign, smiling all the way—except once

Chapter Three

when he encountered one of the giant women,

walking her enormous Saint Bernard, and he

Who will guard the guardians?

prudently crossed the street.

Dr. Prong was rather pensive and preoccupied at

lunch that day.

"So we take a guy like that—a meat-head with

no more knowledge of psychology or anthropology

or sociology or medicine or history or ethics or

logic than he has of nuclear physics—and we give

him a gun and a club and a can of MACE and turn

him loose, my God, to 'police' the rest of us.

Insanity. Total insanity. "

That was Dr. Frank Foxx, the youngest member

of Orgasm Research's staff and, like all-too-many

young doctors these days, a bit of a radical. Dr.

Prong hunched over his steak and tried to evade

getting drawn into the discussion.

"Foxx, " said another voice—old Dr. Heyman,

still cashing in on the fact that he had once worked

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35

with Kinsey and otherwise having nothing to

"A most impressive woman, " Dr. Hopgood

recommend him to any employer—"sometimes you

added, a tone perhaps of envy creeping into her

talk like a damn red commie. "

voice. Dr. Prong darted a glance at her plump face

"I am merely pointing out, " Foxx riposted

and quickly looked away again; she was

quietly, " that our local police are armed and transparently wistful.

dangerous. The same, I presume, is true in China Just then, Dr. Prong's secretary appeared at the

and Russia. "

table. "A telegram came for you, " she said. "I

"You want to disarm the police, like in

thought it might be important. "

England?" old Heyman asked. "Would never work When Dr. Prong tore open he envelope he was

here. Americans don't have the respect for Law

confronted with a rather curious message:

and Order that Britons do. "

"Well, then, " Foxx said calmly, "arm the public.

KING KONG DIED FOR YOUR SINS.

Make sure everybody has a gun and knows how to

EZRA POUND.

use it. Even up the odds some way or other. "

"Rubbish!" Heyman cried. "That would lead to Ezra Pound, thought Dr. Prong, now where have

sheer anarchy!"

I heard that name before? Then it came to him:

Dr. Prong painfully concentrated on his watery

that fellow who called at an embarrassing moment

mashed potatoes.

this morning, from the Fernando Poop Committee

"How's Three-A?" a soft contralto asked him. It (or was it the Hernando Foof Committee?) He

was Dr. Harriet Hopgood, obviously aware that the

looked again at the idiotic message. My God, he

Boss was bored by the political discussion. Three-A

thought, some damn crank is trying to put me on.

was part of the code—the research subjects were

"Arm the cops with water pistols, " Foxx was never mentioned by name in any conversation—and

saying, "and establish the death penalty for any

it designated the young lady in Laboratory three,

criminal who carries any weapon except a custard

Miss Josie Welch.

pie. Turn the cops-and-robbers game into fun. "

"Very impressive, " Dr. Prong said. "She had Roger Prong looked sternly at young Foxx—a

reached twenty-three when I broke for lunch, and

nervous red-headed man still carrying the freckles

she was still going strong. I left a psych student in

of adolescence—and said tonelessly "Misplaced

charge, "

humor is hostile and neurotic, I've always

"Twenty-three, " Dr. Foxx said. "Incredible. "

thought. "

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37

That put a damper on the conversation, and Dr.

without those constant interruptions by

Prong soon regretted it. Without the distraction of

tyrannosaurs and pterodactyls?

Foxx's baiting of old Hey man, nothing prevented

The psych student, with a clear red flush on his

Prong's mind from circling back, again and again,

neck and glassy look in his eyes, told him,

to the lovely Josie, nude, drawing the King Kong

"Number thirty just finished. "

fourteen-incher into her in seemingly interminable

Josie lay on her back again, the beautiful blonde

ecstasy. Like an arrow, like the King Kong itself,

body seemingly totally relaxed at last, her eyes

his mind plunged toward that golden-haired and

closed. But her hand was still on the control handle

juicily moist little honey-snatch, hot with

and Kong was still three-quarters of the way buried

twenty-three orgasms....

in her wet snatch. At Dr. Prong looked, and tried

Science, he reminded himself, is eternal

not to stare, she murmured, "Vaseline. "

self-discipline.

"Vaseline?" Roger Prong asked, fiddling with his But the old Latin joke came back to him: Penis

pencil and pad. Those nipples were almost the size

erectus non compus mentis: a stiff prick knows no of almonds, he thought.

conscience.

"Vaseline, " she repeated, almost in a trance.

0 Galileo and Darwin, did you have days like

"Pleas*!"

this?

The psych student fetched a jar and handed it to

He finished his meal in glum silence and found

her, his eyes fixed nervously an inch above her

himself breathing through the mouth as he walked,

head. Dr. Prong could see the slight bulge in the

with uncharacteristic haste, back to Laboratory

boy's trousers.

three. With an effort, he resumed proper breathing,

"Er, you can leave now, " Dr. Prong said, hearing even though that tended to magnify the pulsing

his own voice crack on "now. "

sensations he was trying to ignore in the crotch of

Josie was rubbing the Vaseline on the shaft of

his trousers. King Kong Died For Your Sins, he

King Kong.

thought, grasping at any distraction—now what the

"Aren't you hungry yet?" the doctor asked,

hell is supposed to be funny about that? But he

awed.

found himself thinking of Fay Wray's dress ripping

"I guess. But science comes first, " she said with as she ran through the jungle with Bruce Cabot,

a strange crooked grin. Now she was rubbing the

and what the deuce would that big gorilla have

Vaseline into her rectum, and her rounded

done with her if they ever had a moment alone

buttocks, Dr. Prong noted nervously, were just as

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39

lovely as her front view. Her fingers went deep,

"Fifi's Massage Parlor, " came a familiar voice.

deep into the crack, massaging, relaxing the

"This is Dr. Prong, " he said quickly. "My back is sphincter muscle; the smile on her face had almost

acting up again. Could you send Miss Serpentine

the bliss of a Chinese Buddha.

for an emergency home treatment?"

"Perhaps you'd better stay, " he said to the

"She'll be there in five minutes, sir. "

psyche student, hurriedly. "I just remembered an

He hung up and looked at his bulge. Control

appointment. "

yourself, he said silently, beginning to relax: you

As he handed over the record pad, he watched

can wait five minutes.

Josie guiding King Kong into her rosy ass,

He browsed in his record collection and put

breathing deeply and masturbating her clitoris with

"Songs of the Blue Whales" on the stereo. That the other hand. Her behind, sticking up in the air,

was always distracting. Then, rummaging in his

and her breasts, dangling because of her kneeling

book shelves, he picked out a new book on the

position, seemed the most beautiful set of curves

film of the thirties from a university press. Heavy

he had ever seen, and he was intensely conscious of

stuff, to keep him from being on hair-trigger when

the growing bulge in his own trousers, which must

she arrived. He opened at random:

be visible to the student also by now.

Josie suddenly began thrusting the handle

In Fay Wray, however, we find the White

rapidly, forcing the ACE equipment to ram the

Goddess appearing in her form as virgin, and

King Kong up her at brutal speed. "Yes, " she the jealous father then becomes the giant ape,

moaned, "bugger me. You sadistic bastard. You

Kong (who is also, of course, as Wilson

dirty rotten prick. Bugger me, hurt me, ram it up

pointed out in the Journal of Human

my ass!" The hand in her snatch was busy and

Relations, 1970, a symbol of capitalistic

spasmodic.

competition, as well as being the aufgehoben

"Good luck, " he muttered inanely and fled the of the Freudian Id).

scene. There was only one solution when things

became this tense.

Roger Prong put down the book, squinting. Now

"Taking an hour or so on personal business, " he this was really weird: King Kong was beginning to

told his secretary briefly, grabbing his overcoat.

haunt him, A run of coincidences like this made no

In ten minutes he was at his apartment a few

sense at all and violated the laws of statistics on

blocks North, dialing the phone.

which his whole scientific mind was based. It

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41

reminded him of the absurd occult speculations

"Tarantella. " The voice was low and sultry.

about "meaning ful coincidences" by Freud's old

"Come right in, " he said, buzzing the lock.

enemy, Carl G. Jung, the batty Swiss psychiatrist

Tarantella Serpentine came through the door, a

who kept trying to bring magic into modern

vision of dark wild beauty. A tall girl, she oddly

psychology.

seemed to look like Racquel Welch and early Jane

There was, of course, one mathematical system

Russell simultaneously, depending on which angle

in which a random sequence was suddenly

you caught. Her long black hair hung loose over

interrupted by a sequence of ordered connections.

her shoulders and halfway down her back. She

That was called a Markoff Chain.

wore a red-and-rust peasant blouse, in which the

But Markoff chains only occurred in pure

soft breasts, unconfined by a bra, pressed tensely

number series, not in real life.

against the fabric, and below a tight thighclutching

Or in books by bad writers.

miniskirt which magnificently revealed virtually all

Dr. Prong suddenly remembered, with a

of her long and shapely legs, clad in black nylon. A

shudder, the old science fiction story by L. Ron

knowing smile curved her full, sensual lips—which

Hubbard about the poor guy who finds out he's

always reminded him of Sophia Loren—and she

really living in a book by a bad writer, and that the

said, "Exciting doings at the lab again, baby?"

writer is determined to kill him in the last chapter.

"Too damned true, " he said frankly. "I'm on He took the telegram from his pocket and

the edge. "

looked at it again. KING KONG DIED FOR

She smiled more voluptuously. "You probably

YOUR SINS. EZRA POUND.

need the Special Treatment then, " she said

Who the hell was this mysterious Pound?

suggestively.

Judging from the phone conversation, he had a

"That still $75?"

rather high voice, like Mickey Mouse or Charley

"For you, yes. She wet her lips.

McCarthy. And he represented—what was it?—the

Tarantella Serpentine, he often thought, really

Fair Play for Geronimo Glop Committee? Where

put her heart into her work.

the hell was Geronimo Glop, anyway—and how

"Done, " he said. "God, do I need it today. "

was it connected with King Kong?

"All tense, baby? All uptight?" she asked gently The doorbell rang.

as she walked him to the massage table in his

Roger Prong spoke through the intercom: "Who

bedroom. "Don't worry: Mama fix. "

is it?"

"People think my work is fun, " he complained.

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43

"They don't realize how careful I've got to be with

{Josie? No, Tarantella. ) "Now, just relax, " she said, the experimental subjects. One wrong move and

beginning to rub it on his chest. "Just relax, and my ass is grass. A crucifixion, that's what it would

dream of Josie—or anything else you want to

be. Even if I lived long enough to get out of prison,

dream of. " Her skillful fingers moved up and down I'd never have a medical license again. Honest to

his torso, relaxing each muscle separately, her voice

Jesus, I'd go crazy if it wasn't for Fifi's Massage

crooning occasionally, "All better. We're gonna

Parlor, and you. "

make all better. " One hand went under his balls

"Poor man, " she said sympathetically as he sat abruptly and the other began to rub the bottom of

on the table and she began to slip off his belt.

his tool. "Oh, getting so big so fast, " she hummed.

"What was her name, the one who got you so hot

Then a light kiss on the eye of the penis, and the

and bothered?"

hands ran slowly down his legs, relaxing them, and

"Josie, " he said numbly, remembering.

began to work on the cramps on his feet. Every

"Well, doll, you just close your eyes now, and

few seconds another small kiss would descend on

I'll be Josie until you feel all better. " $he slipped the eye of his tool or the tongue would run around

off his trousers and began unbuttoning his shirt.

the rim of the head, and she murmured, "Getting

"I'm your Josie, and I can't bear to think that I got all comfy and dreamy, and oh all loose and happy

you uptight and left you hanging there. " She took and oh so big and purple and h a r d . . . . "

off his shirt and bent to slip his drawers down

Roger was remembering Josie ramming the ACE

"Josie will give you just what you need—The

into her hole, but now, recreated by fantasy, the

Special Treatment. " She bent again, lifted his penis vision included himself standing at the head of the

with her hand, and gave one darting flick of the

bed and her mouth open and hungry waiting to

tongue up the length of the shaft. He became

receive his purple and pulsating cock. Tarantella

almost fully erect at once. "Now, " she said in a stopped suddenly and said, "Just a sec, now comes low whisper, "keep your eyes closed while Josie

the next part, " and the vibrator touched his

gets her equipment from her purse. "

forehead. "Relax all those tense face muscles, she Roger stretched out on the massage table, eyes

said softly, and ran the penis-shaped electric device

closed, and irrelevantly remembered the Final Oral

around his mouth, up and down the cheek like a

for his Ph. D. This was a much better way to do a

barber, around the neck, over to the shoulder.

Final Oral, he thought with a grin.

"Getting really relaxed now, " she said. "Just Josie was back, with a tangy rubbing lotion.

dream, baby, just dream. There is no reality but

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45

sensation. " The vibrator ran around his chest down working on it. She bent slowly backwards, her

to his belly, and he felt both dreamy and totally

miniskirt rising higher and higher until he could see

alert at the same time: the girl was a whizz with

pussy hairs escaping from the panties. Then she

that machine. "Now, make him bigger and harder

sprang forward, stood over him, trembling in some

than ever. Even bigger and harder than the last

kind of voodoo possession ritual, slowly lowering

time, love. " The vibrator moved into his bush,

those fabulous breasts until first one, then the

circled the root of his cock several times, and then

other, hung above his prick, bouncing very gently

slowly, very slowly, began to climb the shaft.

up and down in the very eye. As she danced away

"Bigger and bigger, " she said. It was true: he again, she was working on the skirt, and when she

opened his eyes and this was the biggest erection,

threw it off and stood, absolutely still, in her

and the fattest and firmest, he had ever had.

bikini-style red panties and the sheer black nylons,

"Now, " he said, "the strip. "

he almost thought he would climax from sheer

Tarantella moved away and turned off the

visual stimulation. Then she was moving toward

vibrator. "Now, " she said dramatically. "Tarantella him, slow as time itself, bumping and grinding, one

will dance for you. Then, in a few minutes, you

hand on each hip, moving the panties a fraction of

close your eyes and I become Josie again. "

an inch downward every second. When she was five

"Yes, " he said. "Yes. "

feet away and the top of her bush of thick black

Tarantella's dance was part Egyptian, part

hairs was clearly visible, she stopped entirely. Her

modern and part her own fantastic erotic

right hand moved inside the panties and, with great

imagination. She whirled, she rotated in bumps and

effort, she kept her eyes wide open, staring into

grinds, she pranced like a deer, she posed like a

his, and she moved herself slowly, very slowly, into

statue, she came nearer and then retreated, and

a climax. He saw her eyes go out of focus just

finally at the end of the first movement, she

before her pelvis began heaving involuntarily and

unbuttoned her blouse and dropped it to the floor.

sweat stood out on her face and breasts. The eyes

Her tense and lovely breasts, now bare, moved

returned to focus, although she swayed weakly a

sensuously with her breathing and she stood facing

moment, and she slipped down the panties,

him, moving only her pelvis in a slow rotation

standing totally naked at last. In a moment the

more erotic than a burlesque bump. Then she was

stockings were off too and she danced, at last, with

dancing again, the breasts bouncing in a way that

savage and incredible passion, a nude

kept his prick tense even though she was no longer

black-and-gold flash leaping from wall to wall,

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47

down. " He guided it down her crack as she rode

working herself up to a passion almost as intense as

him, fucking like a tigress or panther, and found

that of her masturbation. "Now, " she screamed, her anal opening. Slowly, carefully, he inserted the

"Now! I'm Josie!" and she leaped across the room, vibrator, an eighth of an inch, a fourth, a half. Her

clung herself across his reclining body and took his

cunt became hotter and he knew she was about to

penis all the way into her mouth.

climax. Quickly, he rammed the vibrator all the

Roger closed his eyes again, visualizing Josie, as

way into her ass, and as she bounced on him,

the wet, hot mouth moved up and down his shaft,

seeming to pull on his cock with her impassioned

the tongue darting in tantalizing circles around the

vaginal grip, he pushed himself contortedly

head of his tool, her throat making small moans of

upward, feeling as if his burning prick was piercing

animal pleasure. Then, slowly her head lifted,

into her very womb with its size and hardness as he

slowly his penis came out of her mouth and only

spurted again and again and again, losing

the tongue remained on him, and it began moving

consciousness totally for a few seconds.

up and down, around in circles, way down off the

penis onto his balls, back again to the head, and

As he returned to awareness, she was draped

then the mouth was on him again. She was an

over him, limp and covered with the perspiration

artiste; her hands were busy all the time, now here,

of passion. She grinned crookedly and said,

now there, finally settling under his buttocks and

"seventy-five dollars, love—and if you come up

drawing his pelvis upward in imitation copulative

with more ideas like that last one, I might pay you movements, creating a sensation that was literally

the next time. "

like fucking her mouth.

As they were dressing, the doorbell rang.

"Now, " he gasped, hardly able to talk.

"I'll get it, " Roger said, feeling trim and young She moved up, her breasts suddenly dangling

and dynamic again.

above his mouth, and slowly settled herself, very

It was a messenger with a special delivery letter

carefully, on top of him, guiding his cock into her

for Dr. Roger Prong. Too happy to remember the

cunt with one hand.

weird events before Tarantella's merciful ministra-

"The vibrator, " he cried suddenly. "Give me the tions, Roger tore open the envelope, thinking that

vibrator. "

it was probably only a note from the people at

She reached beside the table and found the

Pussycat who wanted to interview him.

instrument, which he immediately placed on the

It wasn't. It was a photocopy, made that day at

small of her back. "God, yes, " she cried. "Move it the public library, of a page from the Encyclopedia 48

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Britannica, and it told him many interesting things about Fernando Poo, including the fact that it had

been named after its discoverer, the Portugese

navigator, Fernando Poo, who stumbled upon it

while looking for something else in 1472. This was

underlined and a neat hand had written in the

margin: Mnemonic aid: In Fourteen Hundred and

Seventy-Two, Fernando Poo sailed the ocean blue.

Chapter Four

Why is a duck?

Half a mile away, a thin needle pointing toward

the sky, stood the office of Pussycat magazine, and on the tenth floor Senior Editor Josh Dill was

puzzling over the latest vacation memo from

personnel. "This is the worst piece of idiocy I've ever seen, " he complained to his secretary. "It looks like it was written by a computer having a

nervous breakdown. Listen to this gibberish: 'Half

a man-day shall not be equal to half a day unless

the man is actually in the office for the full day, or half of a full day, as the case may be. (This also

applies to female employees. ' What the ring-tailed

rambling hell does that mean?"

"Do you want me to call personnel and ask

somebody to explain it?" asked the secretary, a

pert little piece who could neither type nor take

dictation well but held her job because she fit the

Pussycat image.

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51

"Hell, no!" Dill exclaimed. "Don't stir up that interview with Sput Sputnik himself.

pit of ding-dongs. Just put me down for the first

At first, he was flattered that his copy had

three weeks in July and if they tell me I can't have

attracted the acknowledged king of the girlie

it, I'll go over their heads and talk to Sput. " Stan magazines.

Sputnik was the founder of the Pussycat empire Then he found out that he was part of a gigantic

and still acted as both managing Editor and

coup. Sput, annoyed and dismayed by the

Publisher as well as embodying the Pussycat image ever-increasing number of imitations of Pussycat,

in all his highly publicized acts and deeds.

had decided to decimate the competition in one

Dill crumbled the vacation memo and threw it in

huge raid. The staff of Pussycat quadrupled

the wastebasket.

overnight as every editor of every competition

"What's next?" he asked.

publication was hired away at a juicy salary

"Dr. Prong. About the interview. "

increase.

"Oh, yes, " Dill said, turning his chair to look Pussycat suddenly had six Senior Editors, twelve out the window. "Call his secretary and see if he's Associate Editors, twenty-four Assistant Editors

in. "

and thirty Junior Editors. The other publishers

While the secretary went outside to her desk to

found themselves confronting deadlines with

place the call, Dill looked out over Chicago

nobody left on their staffs. Two went bankrupt;

thinking of his rapid rise in the Pussycat empire.

one committed suicide; the others took a year to

Originally, he had been a movie critic, but then the

get back in gear again.

newspaper he worked on had suddenly collapsed

"Business is business, " said Sput. He liked to after the third typesetter's strike in two years. Out

think of himself as a tough, hard-driving

of work, he had answered an ad and found himself

businessman, as well as the twentieth century's

appointed editor of a ninth-rate imitation of

leading philosopher, the superstud of every girl's

Pussycat called Tom. He was underpaid and tender dreams, the hero of the free press, the foe

overworked (the publisher, to save himself from

of bigotry and intolerance everywhere, and the

paying writer's fees, demanded that Dill write the

world's unacknowledged Master Psychologist. If he

entire contents himself under a variety of pen

had known there was such a thing as pie-eating

names) and he spent the first hour every day

champion, he would have aimed for that title also.

sending out resumes in desperate search for a

He considered himself a Renaissance Man.

better job. Then, abruptly, he was called for an

Although Josh Dill had advanced from Junior

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53

Editor to Senior Editor in only four years at

seat and noting that the lady kneeling before the

Pussycat he hardly knew Sput at all. Sput never Great Man was a recent Sex Kitten from the mag's

came to the offices, preferring to work in his

foldout. In fact, she was the first to appear, not in

mansion four blocks north, and Dill only saw him

an ordinary crotch shot (they ere now becoming

on the rare occasions when he was called to that

commonplace, not only in Pussycat but in its

imitation Taj Mahal for a conference.

imitators) but in a Randy low-angle crotch-shot in

Those conferences tended to be a bit much. Like

which her vulgar lips could clearly be seen pouting certain movie actors who are always "on" even beneath the pubic hair. Dill had been curious how

when nowhere near a sound stage, Sput was as

that effect was obtained and asked the chief

determined to impress his editors as he was to

photographer, "Were you rubbing her off just

startle and overwhelm the whole world. For years,

before you snapped that?"

he had insisted on playing chess during

"Nah, " was the laconic answer. "We tried that, conferences, keeping an impoverished grandmaster

but the lips still weren't visible enough. We ended

on hand for a stiff competition; since the

up stuffing her snatch full of my hashish stash. "

grandmaster knew which side his bread was

"My God!" Dill was astonished.

buttered on, Sput always won. He had gotten this

"That's why she had that far-gone look in her

idea from a very inaccurate historical novel about

eyes. Stoned out of her head by the time we got it

Napolean, in which the little Corsican sociopath

all out of her again. Bet you didn't know it was

was portrayed as playing masterful chess while

possible to get high that way. "

discussing military strategy with his generals and

"Wonder what it would be like to ball her right

the Napoleanic legal code with his judges.

after the hash came out, " Dill said thoughtfully.

More recently, Sput had read a novel about

"Wouldn't know, " the photographer sighed.

Nero. The effect was even more disconcerting than

"Sput put an exclusive on her soon as he saw the

trying to talk with him while he laboriously evaded

test shots. "

a stale Noah's Ark trap the grandmaster had set up

Now she kneeled, nude and covered with some

for him to find. He was seated behind his desk

kind of oil that Sput had read about in the Nero

receiving a blow job when Dill had been ushered

book, and carefully licked his whang up and down

into his presence the last time. It was unnerving.

while he, imitating supercool, went over the

"You wanted to discuss the interview subjects

interview list.

for the next six months?" Dill asked, taking his

"Don't want Spiro Agnew, " he said. "He's too 54

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55

controversial. "

Attorney General—now really go to it, like a

"But, damn it, Sput, our interviews are supposed fucking vacuum cleaner!" The girl's head began to be controversial. " Dill seemed to recall saying bobbing faster, and Sput slouched back a bit,

that at each of these conferences.

smiling contentedly.

. "Not that controversial, " Sput said. "Now, here,

"Reactionary WASP son of a bitch, " he

Jane Fonda and Terry Southern, they're good. But,

muttered. "That's right, take it, take it all, you foe my God, Ezra Pound, for Christ's sake—he's a

of the First Amendment!"

fucking poet. *'

"Er—Roger Prong, " Dill prompted.

"We interviewed Allen Ginsberg, " Dill said,

"Very good, very good. " Sput was whispering, watching the girl's head bobbing up and down.

as if toking a marijuana cigarette. "You Gestapo

"Yeah, but his poems are full of dirty words.

pig, " he added to the girl at his feet.

That's different. "

"How about Jackie Kennedy Onassis?"

"Pound used fucking in a poem once, " Dill said

"Yeah, yeah, class, " Sput said vaguely. He was patiently. "And the war he was against is so long beginning to tremble a bit. "Who else you got?" he ago that it's not controversial anymore. "

whispered, trembling more.

"Nah, nah, one poet in five years is enough.

"Doctor Spock. "

(Gently, doll, gently!) I see you don't have the

"Spock?" Sput asked; then he repeated, shrilly, Attorney General on the list yet. "

"Spock? Spock! SPOCK!???!" He was coming, Dill

"It's the same as ever, " Dill explained, noting realized with an embarrassed twinge. "Swallow it, "

that the girl's hand was sneaking down her belly

Sput was roaring. "Swallow it, you wire tapper!"

into her crotch. "He just won't give us an

It was a distracting conference all around, Dill

interview. He still says we're a dirty magazine. "

thought, remembering.

"Damn it, we never go beyond contemporary

His secretary was at his door. "I finally located community standards, " Sput protested, hurt.

Dr. Prong, " she said, "at his home. He's on the

"That old bastard is a bigot. "

phone. "

"Well, bigot or not, he won't give us an

Dill picked up his phone, saying, "Ah, good

interview. "

afternoon, Dr. Prong. It's a great pleasure to speak

"Fascist reactionary bastard, " Sput fumed.

to you. "

"Someday I'll-" Then he brightened. "Listen,

"Is this on the level?" came a tense voice.

doll, " he said to the girl at his feet. "You're the

"You're not involved with that Poop or Foof

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57

place, are you?"

"Well I guess it really is you, " the voice said.

Dill was dumbfounded. Could the head of the

"Please excuse me. A man in my sensitive

best-known sex research organization in America

field—cranks and schizophrenics wandering around

be a paranoid nut? "I am speaking to Dr. Roger loose... "

Prong?" he asked carefully.

"Yes, yes, I quite understand, " Dill said, rolling

"Yes, yes—but how can I be sure who I'm

his eyes toward the ceiling. "Poets always have

speaking to?"

harbored nasty grudges. " He had no doubt that the

"Well, " Dill said, "if you have your doubts, call doctor was as goofy as a waltzing mouse.

me back. Go through information, to check the

Markoff Chaney's strategy was already working.

number, and then have the Pussycat switchboard put you on my line. That should convince you. "

"I'll do just that, " the doctor said. "A lot of damned peculiar things are happening today. I

want to be sure you're not some cohort of that

Ezra Pound character. " He hung up abruptly.

Ezra Pound, Dill thought bemused. The doctor

thinks an aged, 87-year-old poet living in Italy is

plotting against him.

An absolute nut of the first water. A real

fourteen-karat mad scientist.

Obviously, this would require great care. Prong

couldn't just be discarded as an interview subject

for being batty; he was too big a name. The

interview would go ahead, but Prong would be

handled with kid gloves.

The phone buzzed, and he picked it up.

"Dr. Prong is back on the line, " his secretary said.

"Put him through. " He waited, then said, "Dr.

Prong?"

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59

at him sharply: he didn't look at all as shady and

unsavory as a person should look who was offering

a business proposition on that corner to a total

stranger.

"What are you selling?" he asked.

"Not selling, " the friendly giant said. "Giving away. One hundred-fifty dollars. "

Chapter Five

"And what do I have to do for it?" the midget asked warily, drawing a little closer.

What is Property?

"I'm a butler, " the man said-and in fact he did look like butlers the midget had seen in movies. His

That night Markoff Chaney had a dream come

face was much longer from the nose down than

true.

most people's; it gave him a permanent look of one

He was renting his old room at the Y again,

who smells something but hasn't found it yet. Most

using it as a base for further anti-Prong activities,

Chicagoans, the midget had noticed, look like

and had gone out for a walk on Chicago Avenue.

they'd just found it and it was worse than they'd

As he approached the intersection of Michigan and

imagined. "The lady I work for is very rich. And Lake Shore Drive, he was thinking about a new

very eccentric. " He tried to leer suggestively: the letterhead that would say FRATERNAL ORDER

effect was like a Bishop winking. "She has a thing OF HATE GROUPS and have Robert Welch,

about m—about you people of less than average

Eldridge Cleaver, Robert DePugh, Jerry Rubin and

stature. "

George Wallace listed as officers. Perhaps he might

Markoff Chaney felt his heart leap. Could it be

add Ti-Grace Atkinson and make her "Chairperson

true??

of the board. "

"I'm not going anyplace far from lights and

"Hssst, " a voice said, "You—yeah, you, shorty. "

police cars," he said cautiously.

The midget stiffened in anger and whirled

"It's just down the block. On Lake Shore

around. "Hssst, " he said, "You, —yeah, you, you Drive,"

asshole. "

"One hundred-fifty dollars?"

"Hey, no offense, " the speaker said. "I got a

"That's right. She gets these moods and sends

business proposition for you. " The midget looked me out looking every so often."

60

The Sex Magicians

"I'm game," the midget said, deciding. He could feel the pulse in his temple. Au revoir ma cherie, he

thought, firmly convinced that was French for

"good-bye to virginity."

"There's just one thing," the butler said as they walked along. "You've got to do just what I tell

Chapter Six

you. Don't be afraid: she's not a real kink—no

whips and chains or anything of that scene—but,

Where did the universe come from?

well, her tastes are a little peculiar. I promise you

won't be hurt."

When Joe Smith, the technologist from the m.o.

"Tell me," the midget said.

lab at Orgasm Research, got off work that evening

"It's like a little drama or charade," the butler he was in a real stew. The passions of Josie Welch

said, lowering his voice. He explained certain

were, to put it mildly, somewhat contagious. Joe

things.

couldn't see the word "organism" in a scientific

"What?" the midget asked. "I don't get to fuck paper without reading it as "orgasm." He couldn't her?"

see the name "Donald Duck" without reading it as

"But it will be enjoyable nonetheless," the

"Donald Fuck." He couldn't even read a menu

butler said, "and you collect one hundred-fifty

without seeing "vanilla" as "vagina." Every time he smackers for it, remember."

went to the john he found himself, while holding

"Oh, well," the midget said, quoting himself, his whang, thinking how nice it would be to rub it

"insanity is the only viable aternative."

justa little, just for a minute or so.

I'm going to have to get another job, he thought

morosely.

Joe Smith was a perfectly normal man for his

era and his society. He went to church about twice

a year. He had a wife who was not really totally

frigid. He had two nice children who only

occasionally tried to murder each other with

sharp-edged toys. He hated negroes and hippies and

commies because they all wanted to move into his

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63

house and eject him and his family into a tent in

Damn it, Joe thought, they're wearing those

the park. He voted Republican in good times and

skirts shorter every year. Even as this reflection

Democratic in bad times. He was a thoroughgoing

tormented him, a breath-taking blonde creature

asshole.

stopped abruptly and bent to pick up a coin she'd

Joe believed that sex was not really very sinful

dropped. Joe was treated to a virtual panorama—or

actually if the parties involved were of opposite

so it seemed to him: he almost heard trumpets

sexes and married or at least seriously in love and

blasting—a panorama of luscious female ass covered

weren't too closely related and remembered to pull

only in the briefest of black lace panties.

down the shades. Otherwise, it was not only sinful

Joe suffered at the vision and rushed onward.

to some degree or other but also dirty and a sign of

He decided not to go home at once. His

weakness. Like all men in his society in that era of

sister-in-law, Briggitte, who was a bit too

history, Joe believed that any sign of weakness was

voluptuous and somewhat easygoing in her

worse than sin and dirtiness together and maybe

attitudes, lived downstairs and he didn't want to

even worse than high treason or poisoning the well.

encounter her tonight. He was determined to retain

Joe believed in toughness and self-control and

his virtue and his fidelity to the marriage contract.

discipline. He hadn't cried since he was six years

A sign caught his eye: FIFI'S MASSAGE

old, never laughed immoderately, and, quite

PARLOR. Joe quickly turned his steps in a

naturally, his orgasms were quick and puny.

different direction. He had heard about the extra

Orgasm Research was not the ideal place for

services offered at Fifi's; he had even heard legends

such a man to earn his daily bread.

about the most delicious of Fifi's masseuses, the

Today was particularly bad. Joe's wife had taken

fabulous Tarantella Serpentine. "Even the smell of the kids off on a summer vacation to Lake Geneva.

that creature is worth the price," Fred Foxx, the Joe had the hots, badly, and there was no way

radical young doctor, had said. Joe suffered again.

within his philosophy of life to do anything about

Joe was now in the heart of Chicago's famous

it.

Loop, and movie signs began to add to his turmoil.

As Joe walked the streets of Chicago, meeting all

DEEP THROAT, one said to him, SHE SUCKS

sorts of gorgeous ladies, white, black and Oriental,

MEN DRY. Joe understood the double-meaning all

in light summer dresses and tricky miniskirts, he

too well, and his dear Matilda, mother of his

was like a man walking through a restaurant while

children, would never consent to such a Crime

starving.

Against Nature. Another sign said ADULTS

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65

ONLY-FELLINI'S TOM SAWYER. Joe fumed,

And they were all topless.

thinking of what the degenerate Dago director had

Above the waist, in fact, they wore nothing but

probably done with the classic and clean-minded

large golden earrings and gold medallions hanging

American comedy; he could just imagine the new

from their necks giving such names as "Nugget,"

adventures Tom and Becky would find in the

"Goldie," "Stony," "Brick," etc.

bottom of McDougal's Cave with Injun Joe.

Joe hurriedly turned his attention to the menu.

A third sign proclaimed PLEASURE GIRLS OF

Everything had a fancy name: "The Prospector's

PORT SAID-THEY LIVE FOR SEX AND

Pleasure" (hamburger with French fries), "The ALLAH! A group of Black Muslims, he noticed,

Alchemist's Delight" (cheeseburger with French

were picketing.

fries), "The 49er" (oliveburger with French fries.) Joe Smith, American, cursed aloud. He thought

A waitress appeared beside the table. Worse

sexy movies were un-American but pickets were

luck, she seemed to have the biggest tits in the

even more un-American. It seemed that the whole

joint. With as much effort as a sick man climbing

world, or most of it certainly, was un-American

out of bed, Joe forced his eyes upward to her

nowadays.

face—her eyes revealed she was amused by his

Finally, driven to frenzy by the temptations on

obvious effort—and he gasped, "The 69er—I mean,

all sides, Joe found a restaurant that looked dark

the 49er. And a bottle of Bud."

enough to be relatively free of further seductive

"We don't have Bud, sir. Schlitz, Hamms or

sights. In the back recesses of his mind, the voice

Millers." They just hung there, not doing any

of Josie Welch was still droning and muttering,

harm. Why was it so hard to confront them? Why

incoherent and torn by unbearable pleasures: "Oh, did he keep on fighting the impulse to suck on

fuck me harder, ACE, you devil, you angel, fuck

them, on the pointy little nipples? Why did he

your Josie."

imagine they were saying, "Oh, fuck me, ACE, put

Joe slunk into a seat by the wall in a dark corner

your cock in between me and let me rub him all

of the restaurant—which, he noted, seemed to be

over . . ."? Was he going mad?

called The Ore House.

"Schlitz," he said weakly, looking at her

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed

forehead. Even when he looked into her eyes, he

something more disturbing.

could still see the tits, all big and pointy and

The waitresses were all blonde—or at least

tasty-looking.

bleached.

He turned his attention to the pepper shaker. It

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67

was a model of a topless waitress, with tits even

"Oh, fuck my pussy, ACE, fuck the piss out of

bigger than her head. He turned his attention to

m e . . . . "

the menu. He read "asparagus tits" three times The chair was apparently wired, for the moment

before it came out "asparagus tips."

he sat down a buzzer buzzed and the shoe-shine

The waitress was back. She'd brought those tits

man appeared.

with her. Of course, she had—did he expect her to

Only it wasn't a man.

hang them on the kitchen wall? Was he truly mad?

It was a girl.

"We're all out of Schlitz, sir."

A topless shoe-shine girl.

"Millers," he gasped. They seemed to be

The whole world is un-American, Joe thought

growing, inching closer and closer to his mouth. In

despairingly.

a place like this she couldn't be too offended if he

This adorable creature was wearing black

just took one little bite, could she?

full-length opera hose, skyscraper heels, a

God, you've got lovely tits, he thought. For a

red-white-and-blue skirt cut exactly parallel with

moment he was afraid that he had said it out loud.

the bottom hairs of her pussy, and nothing at all

The look in her wise, humorous eyes said that she

from here on up.

had heard it even if he hadn't said it out loud.

Sitting above her as she worked on his shoes, Joe

She went to get the Millers.

discovered that staring at her tits were actually less Joe lurched to his feet and headed for the men's

embarrassing and awkward than trying to look

room. Mustn't give way to weakness, he was

someplace else. They were smallish, comparatively,

thinking. What would Matilda think if he were

but nicely rounded and very pointy. They bounced

arrested for trying to rape a waitress between the

up and down as she worked. Joe watched them

tits? What would the neighbors say?

bounce. He surrendered finally to the pent-up

Joe could imagine the headlines: TECHNICIAN

horniness in his seething soul. He felt his hard-on

ARRESTED FOR TIT RAPE.

starting, and didn't fight it. It got bigger and

Coming out of the men's room, he noticed the

bigger; it was a real peach. A jim-dandy. It

unoccupied Shoe Shine alcove, which was

practically pulsated: he could almost see it right

obviously still open for business. Gratefully, he

through his trousers. Those gorgeous titties

sank into a chair. A shoe shine would get his mind

bounced and wobbled, just a few inches from the

off sex for a few minutes. Maybe he would stop

throbbing penis, and he could imagine, vividly, the

hearing the hysterical chant of Josie Welch keening

penis sneaking in between them, snug as a bug,

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69

warmly worming upward, arriving finally, hotter

between us, big fellow." Every cunt seemed to

and harder than ever, in her mouth.

shout, even louder, "Oh, come up inside me, all

"One dollar, sir." The shoes were finished.

hard and hot like you are now . . . "

Joe lurched to his feet and staggered back to the

Joe Smith fervently wished Matilda had stayed

restaurant, almost reeling, quite fit for

home and sent the kids to Wisconsin alone. He

commitment to any nut house in the state.

dreaded encountering his sister-in-law, the

Somehow, he was served the cheeseburger

voluptuous and easygoing Briggitte. Ever since

instead of the oliveburger. He didn't notice,

Matilda had left on vacation, Briggitte's humorous

munching away absent-mindedly, happily enjoying

flirtations had seemed less like kidding and more

all the tits in the room—big tits and little tits,

like a real invitation. Joe couldn't bear the thought

rounded tits and conical tits, tits with big nipples

of an adultery in the family in such intimacy that

and tits the cutesy-tootsy little-bitty nipples, tits in it was a cast-iron cinch to be discovered eventually.

front view and tits in side view, a crescendo of

I must be strong, he told himself.

tits—and accepting his hard-on, now, as a fact of

"I am stronger," he imagined his stiff penis nature. Perhaps he would have it, throbbing and

answering smugly.

full of energy as a young puppy, until Matilda

When Joe arrived home, the only light was in the

came back from Wisconsin in August.

kitchen.

"Another Millers," he called.

"Hi, Briggitte," he called from the hall in a voice Perhaps—he thought later—he had called for

suggesting a tired technician at the end of a hard

another Millers more than once. Perhaps it had

day, with no time for conversation.

been several times. He was never quite sure.

"Come on in," she called cheerily, "I made you Going home on the subway, he seemed to be

a steak."

hallucinating mildly. Was it the beers or was it

"I already ate," Joe called, trying to project the Josie Welch's voice calling to him, calling endlessly, voice of a master engineer thoroughly exhausted

"Fuck me again, fuck me again, fuckmeagain..."?

by problems so enormous that Einstein himself

Whatever it was, all the women on the train seemed

could barely understand their ramifications.

to have holes in their dresses at crucial points and

"Well, have some pie and coffee. I bought that

huge tits hung out from the top, hairy little cunts

peach pie you like."

peered more shyly from below. Every tit seemed to

Joe weakened.

say to his throbbing hard-on, "Oh, come in

You will remain calm, he said to his penis

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71

sternly.

the opinions expressed in all good faith by Joe and

You will remain calm—until I get into Briggitte's

Matilda. And she didn't seem to believe in

hot little pussy, it answered insolently.

self-control at all. Or to be afraid of weakness. Joe

"Are you coming?" Briggitte called.

sometimes imagined she had indulged in every

"Just for a few minutes," he responded,

possible weakness out in California—sometimes, conveying the tone of the fellow who designed the

before he could catch himself, he was apt to get

pyramids if the Pharaohs had also required him to

involved in imagining those weaknesses in rather build the damn things himself, brick by brick.

vivid detail. It was both frightening and exciting,

Briggitte turned from the stove as he entered the

especially when the weaknesses he was imagining

kitchen. She was wearing a red negligee which set

involved her taking some guy's cock right into her

off her white skin in a quite striking fashion. Joe

mouth and sucking it and licking it like those

wondered if the nipples really were visible through

French girls do—and here he was imagining that

the spun fabric or if he was still hallucinating.

again, damn it!

"I just got out of the tub," she said casually.

Briggitte leaned over from behind him to pour

"Hope you don't mind. All in the family . . . "

the coffee. One soft, round breast nuzzled his

"All in the family," he repeated with a laugh shoulder as she poured. "Have a hard day?" she that sounded insane in his own ears. She looked at

asked. He wondered why she pronounced it that

him speculatively.

way. Sitting as he was it must be impossible for her

Briggitte was a dish and knew it. Her hair,

to see that his cock was getting stiff again.

midway between blonde and red, was worn long

"So-so," he said noncomittally, digging into the and curly, hanging halfway down to her pert little

pie.

ass in back. Her breasts were tensely high and

Briggitte sat across from him and began cutting

reminded him of the old joke about a "pair of tits her steak. Her eyes wide with seeming innocence,

you could hang your hat on." Her body was slim

she asked, "I suppose any job has its ups and and pleasing, especially in this flimsy negligee. She

downs— especially at Orgasm Research?"

had been married once, briefly, but after the

"Er, yeah," he replied.

divorce had lived in California for a few years.

"I think it's wonderful," she gushed, "that so Since returning to Illinois, she seemed to possess

many girls are willing to come in there and make a

some mysterious knowledge or experience which

clean breast of everything, just for the sake of caused her eyes to crinkle humorously at some of

scientific knowledge. Maybe I'll volunteer

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73

sometime myself."

"Poor man," she said, "all alone in that big

"Mm," he offered vaguely, not sure how to field bed."

that one.

Joe lurched to his bedroom. As he got into his

"It must make you guys feel awfully cocky, to pajamas, he could hear her clattering away in the

know so many intimate secrets," she went on, still kitchen. Hear her—hell, he could see her, as if the

all innocence. The smile in her eyes knew exactly

walls were glass. The red negligee flapped loosely as

what effect this line of conversation was having.

she washed the dishes. Every time she moved, a

"A scientist," Joe pronounced, "must have titty bulged suggestively at him. Joe snapped out

integrity. That goes even for a technician like me."

the light and climbed between the sheets, keeping

"Integrity is a good thing," Briggitte said

his hands above his waist, far away from his

carefully, "but don't get too stiff-necked and throbbing prick.

stuck-up about it."

I will be strong, he thought. I will be strong. I

"I'm not stiff and fucked-up," he cried

will be strong.

frantically. "I mean—I'm not stiff-necked and

The door opened.

sucked-up—I mean—oh, to hell with it." Her smile

"Joe," Briggitte said breathlessly, "I think was maddening.

there's somebody on the back porch. A burglar."

"Oh," she said softly, "you're all prickly and Joe paddled out to the kitchen and looked

nervous tonight. I wish I could think of something

through the back door. Of course, there was

to relax you."

nobody there.

'Til be okay," he said briefly.

"It's your nerves," he said. "I'm not the only

"I just hate to think," she responded, still soft one who's tense tonight."

and lazy and mocking, "that you're all tense and

He started back toward his bedroom.

miserable just because Matilda went and left you

"Joe," she said. "Maybe he'll come back."

for the summer. I mean, I can do the cooking and

"If he does, call me again." Joe lurched back to the laundry and like that, but if there's something

his bed.

else, something you especially miss—"

I will be strong. I will be strong. I will be strong.

"No," he said. "I'm doing fine." He finished the The door opened again.

pie and turned in his chair before rising, not

"Can I borrow something to read?" Briggitte

wanting to face her when he stood up. "Think I'll asked.

turn in," he said vaguely.

Joe was immediately aware that none of the

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75

previous temptations had prepared him for this. He

interrupted.

was in bed. She was two feet away, looking at the

Joe blushed beet-red. "It'll go away," he offered bookshelves, in an increasingly transparent

inanely.

negligee. His hard-on seemed bigger than the John

"Oh, you poor, poor man. And you're too shy Hancock Building. Any second she might claim to

to ask me to help you with it." Her eyes were all feel an earthquake tremor and fall into the bed on

sympathy and generosity.

top of him.

"That wouldn't be right," Joe said awkwardly, I will be strong. I will be strong . ..

wishing she'd get the hell off the bed. "What if

"Oh, Pussycat magazine," she said. "I love to Matilda ever found out—"

read that."

"Oh, I wouldn't tell her. Would you?"

She flipped it open to the Pussycat of the

"Of course not!"

Month.

"Then she won't find out."

"Damn it," she said. "She's prettier than me.

"But," Joe protested one more time, weakly,

Why are those girls always prettier than me?" She

"adultery is a serious matter—"

held the nude photo directly in front of his face.

"Oh, foof! !!" Briggitte pronounced harshly.

"Isn't she prettier prettier than me?"

"That's just plain silly, Joe. You're very, very

"No," he said, choking. "No, I don't think she's horny." She touched his penis lightly. "Why it's really prettier than you,"

hard as a rock—" and with bright innocent

"Really? But look at those breasts. So pert and

eyes—"and to tell you the God's truth, I'm horny, tiny they are, so cute. Not all huge and cowlike the

too. And there's only one obvious remedy."

way I am." She held the picture next to her own

"But," Joe said, "what about will power? What breasts. "See?"

about poor Matilda? What about civilization and

"You're not cowlike" Joe objected finally, when human dignity?"

it was obvious that he had to say something. "Big

"Oh, foof," she said again, vexed. "You're an breasts are attractive, too."

old fuddy-duddy! Honest, you people who never

"Oh, what a nice thing to say!" She dropped the leave the Midwest are so provincial. Why, if you

magazine, leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

don't fuck me, Joe, I'll just have to rub myself off.

"You're a sweet man, Joe."

Is that what you want to drive me to?"

"Er, we shouldn't—" he began.

"Why not?" Joe cried desperately, "at least, it's

"My God, what a hard-on you've got!" she

not adultery."

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77

"You sure are a technical bastard," Briggitte said between he door and the bed.

angrily. "Well, if you feel that way, that's what I'll On the bed, stark naked, Briggitte was sprawled,

do." And she flung herself from the bed and

her legs spread wide—offering him a breathtaking

flounced from the room.

view of blonde-red pussy—and with her right hand

Joe stared at he wall. He thought of Matilda. He

she held a peeled banana to her mouth while with

thought of the neighbors. He thought of God, and

her left hand she held another peeled banana to her

the reports from all the experts on God whom he

clitoris.

had ever heard, which insisted God was extremely

"My God," he said, totally shocked.

narrow-minded and intolerant about adultery. He

"Don't you touch me," she warned. "Don't take thought of Briggitte downstairs in her own room,

a step, you self-righteous prude! You can watch

playing with her pussy, fingering it languorously

me—in fact, I'd like that, especially if you jack

and deliciously, until she made herself come. He

yourself off while you're watching. But I won't let

thought of her pussy and of fingers moving around

you touch me. You had your chance, buster." And

inside it. He thought of how hot his hard-on felt.

with that the shameless creature took the banana

"Briggitte," he called, "wait a minute."

back into her mouth and began sucking on it with

"Fuck you, buster!" came her inelegant reply the most voluptuous enjoyment. Joe gasped, and

from the staircase.

watched her play the other banana delicately

Joe got up and paddled to the hall. Downstairs,

against her clitoris, moving her pelvis in a slow

Briggitte's door slammed angrily.

bump-and-grind motion to add to the friction.

Damn, blast and thunder, he thought.

"Wait," he cried, "please-"

He paddled downstairs in his bare feet and

But she went on rubbing her pussy with the

knocked on her door. "Briggitte?"

banana, gradually working it into her vagina,

"Buzz off!" she shouted.

fucking upwards and taking it again and again all

"You can't do this to me," Joe shouted back.

the way up inside her cunt, all the while sucking

"You have aroused the beast in me. You can't

the other banana with sighs and moans of delight.

leave me this way."

Joe was wrecked, mentally. Slowly he began

"Go jack yourself off and save civilization from

fingering up and down his penis, watching this

adultery, you schmuck!!!"

lovely woman play at suck-and-fuck with her two

Joe opened the door.

bananas, identifying his penis with each banana

Briggitte's negligee lay on the floor, crumpled,

alternately, imagining that he was rubbing it into

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her mouth one minute and then into her cunt the

his middle finger, obviously pretending it was a

next minute, maddened by the moans and heaves

cock, and her cunt grabbed at his real penis more

she frankly allowed as her pleasure mounted and

ravenously, sucking it up the very heart of her as

mounted, until he couldn't stand it and lurched

she climaxed again and again and again, and he

forward, throwing himself upon her.

spurted his come high, high, high within her,

"Good," she grinned crookedly, dropping the

fucking madly and happily without a fear or worry

bananas, "now you know it's really your decision."

left in his head.

And she wriggled around, taking his penis in her

Joe Smith had become the subject of a Mama

mouth, offering her pussy to his tongue. Joe Smith

Vibe, without even knowing what was happening surrendered to un-Americanism. He began licking

to him.

her outer lips and worked his way gently inward

toward her clitoris. In a moment, she exploded

against him, fucking his mouth wildly, spasming

again and again, almost biting his penis in her

delirium. Then, she turned and moved around on

the bed, grinning. "That will do as an overture,"

she said. "Now let's see if you can fuck me as good as you sucked me." Joe drove his penis into her

cunt, muttering thickly, "To hell with Matilda. To hell with Mayor Daly. To hell with everything. I'm gonna fuck your ass off tonight!" She dug her

fingers into his back, whispering, "Harder,

harder . . . " He fucked as wide a swing as he could, pulling himself almost entirely out on each upper

and ramming violently inward toward her womb

on each downer. Her pussy was as hot and wet as

cooked liver and she pressed her titties against his

chest. "Give me a finger," she whispered. He shifted his weight, rested upon his elbows and held

a hand to her mouth. She began sucking raptly on

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81

and "far out." Her name, Dill had said, was Stella Only.

When she spoke a whole sentence, it always

ended with "and all that shit."

Chapter Seven

The evening, however, was going pleasantly. The

drinks at the Pussycat Club were both strong and

Time: is it real or illusory?

tasty, the Pussiette who served them had stunning

long legs and a very brief costume, the steak was

After a bad start, the association between Josh

good, and Dill talked very entertainingly about his

Dill and Dr. Prong was going swimmingly.

obsession, the horror films of the 1930s. ("I dig

"You can't do an interview in depth," Dill had Frankenstein and all that shit," Miss Only said

explained, "until you relax and know one another.

occasionally, her only other memorable remark

Let me take you as my guest to the Pussycat Club

was, on declining a third martini, "I don't like to tonight. Bring your wife or girl friend. Hell," he go too far with consciousness-contracting drugs. It

added whimsically, "bring both of them if you

louses up the yin and yang balance and all that

want."

shit.")

Dr. Prong, who had neither wife nor steady girl

"Sput is having a party tonight," Dill announced friend, brought Tarantella Serpentine instead. In a

after dinner. "Why don't we all fall up to the

low-cut silver evening gown that revealed most of

mansion? You'd like it, Dr. Prong."

her enormous breasts and hugged her ass tightly,

Swimming in the glow of his fifth Black Russian,

she was stunning; she was a girl who wouldn't be

Dr. Prong said, "Call me Roger. I'd love to see

toiling in that massage parlor for much longer, he

Sput's famous mansion."

thought. Destiny obviously meant her for bigger

"Me too," Tarantella agreed. "I want to take and better things.

everything off and dive into that famous pool."

Dill—to Prong's surprise—brought a girl who,

"Well, that's the kind of party it is," Dill said despite her good looks and fashionable evening

jovially. "Let's go."

gown, revealed as soon as she opened her mouth

"Far fucking out," Miss Only said.

that she was some kind of hippie or yippie. Also,

Dill signed the tab and they went out on the

she definitely seemed to be under the influence of

street and began walking north.

some sort of drug: "Cool," she said, and "crazy,"

"I'm going to be inside the Pussycat Mansion,"

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Tarantella said. "It's like a dream come true."

man who was a midget passed them.

"Out of fucking sight," Miss Only agreed.

"Teddy Snowcrop?" they heard the midget ask.

Dropping back, Dr. Prong murmured to Dill, "Is

"I wonder what that was about," Dill said idly.

she on drugs?"

"I remember Teddy Snowcrop," Tarantella said.

"Drugs?" Dill was startled. "Hell no. Well,

"A little white bear that used to be in TV

maybe a little pot."

commercials. Must have been a kid, or a midget, in

Dr. Prong frowned his disapproval of this casual

a bear suit, I guess."

attitude toward law breaking. "How did you ever

"Maybe they're going to revive it, and that guy

meet her?" he asked.

is being hired," Dill said absently.

"She was the Sex Kitten of the month. In May."

They turned into the courtyard of the Pussycat

Dr. Prong stared at Miss Only again. It was

Mansion.

incredible, but with her mouth shut and those

"From outside," Stella said, "it looks like any young words not coming out of her, she was

other mansion of the Drive. But wait'll you get

indeed a beautiful creature. And she wore her

inside, honey," she added, hugging Tarantella

gown well.

affectionately. "Far fucking out."

"Miss Only," he said to her, "are you a T h e door bore a motto in Greek:

professional model?"

ELEUTHYRIA.

"My name isn't Only," she said. "It's Stella.

"What's that mean?" Dr. Prong asked, asseying a Only Stella. No last name."

weak jest by adding, "It's all Greek to me."

Roger Prong looked at her dubiously. The small

"Freedom," Dill translated, ringing the bell.

group now contained two people who regarded

A speaker in the wall said nasally, "Identify

two other people as being definitely bananas.

yourself please."

"Why should a woman have a last name?" She

"Dill," said Dill. "Three guests." He added to explained Socratically. "What last name? Her

the others, "That's a computer. It works on voice father's? Her husband's, if she has a husband? All

print. Much safer than a closed-circuit TV. No two

that shit? You dig?"

voice prints are alike, you know."

"Are you a women's liberationist? Or a White

"Scientific," Stella added with awe. "Electronics Muslim? Or something?" he asked in confusion.

and all that shit."

"I'm Stella. Only Stella," she said firmly.

"Please come in," the nasal voice said, followed A man who looked like a butler and another

by a buzz.

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Dill opened the door and ushered them into a

miles from other people, and they'll regress to

foyer with a suit of armor to which Sput has

childhood and start worrying that the Old Man in

impishly added a grotesquely large aluminum

the Sky is watching them. Anything, no matter

penis. "One of Sput's jokes," he explained wanly.

how irrational, to avoid doing what they want to

Dr. Prong suddenly remembered Josie and

do. Just so they can think they're acting under

wondered if she was finally finished with ACE.

compulsion and, hence, aren't really responsible

They went through the foyer and up a flight of

for what they do. Why was Hitler obeyed? Easy:

stairs, passing a handsome and quite authentic

anybody can be obeyed. People stand around

Renoir original. "Sexy," Tarantella said, impressed waiting for orders if the boss is out of the room."

by the realism of the flesh tones.

He paused and took a thoughtful toke on the

They entered a ballroom full of people. A large

hookah.

number of the women were totally nude—

"What's that-Turkish tobacco?" Dr. Prong

Pussiettes from the club, appearing for Sput's

asked.

guests just as the club patrons always fantasized

"Er, yes," Dill said. "Turkish tobacco."

seeing them and acting as cocktail waitresses. They

"Here we have freedom," Sput said. "Any vice passed a Greek vase nearly five feet tall bearing a

squad or narcotics cop who bucks the political

portrait of a nymph fleeing from a satyr who

machine and tries to pull a raid will never get past

sported a determined grin and a convincing erec-

the voice print on the door—not until we have time

tion. At the right of the room—not standing and

to clean up and hide the evidence, anyway. So

drinking, but sitting and smoking from a large

everybody here is free. And what are they doing?

hookah—were Sput and a small circle of friends,

Same as any other party. Waiting for me to do

quite comfy on enormous floor pillows. Above

something outrageous first, so they can then follow

them on the wall was an Andy Warhol original-

suit. It's depressing."

one hundred Campbell Soup cans.

"Sput," Dill said in the pause, "I'd like you to

"Freedom," Sput was saying, "is the most meet Dr. Roger Prong of Orgasm Research

terrifying thing in the world. Fact. People will go

Foundation. And Miss Tarantella Serpentine. And

to any length to convince themselves they're not

you know Stella."

free. If they can't convince themselves they're

"Ill say he does," Stella agreed ambiguously.

being watched by the cops, they'll worry about the

"Dr. Prong, it's an honor, a real honor. Ladies,"

neighbors. Put them in the wilderness, hundreds of

Sput said with a vague half-gallant motion

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suggesting that he had almost risen. "Pull up a

exhaled—for nearly twenty seconds. Then she

pillow and sit down. Take off your clothes if you

inhaled for an equal length of time and closed both

want. Grab a hose from the hookah—or call one of

nostrils with her fingers again.

the Pussiettes for a drink. My home is yours," he

"What is that girl doing?" he asked Dill,

added grandly, making an Arabic gesture from an

apprehensively.

old Ronald Coleman movie. He was, Dill could see,

"Pranayama. A Hindu breathing exercise." Dill stoned out of his gourd. As usual, the "Turkish

winked. "It often adds to the enjoyment

tobacco" had made him philosophical.

of—Turkish tobacco."

They all sat down, and Dill motioned over a

"I'm going to take a swim," Tarentella

Pussiette to take their drink orders. Out of the

announced. "Anybody want to come along?"

corner of his eye, he saw Dr. Prong experimentally

"Later," Dill said. "I'm just going to relax here lifting the hookah hose to his lips. The doctor

for a while." He took another enormous toke.

coughed, flushed with embarrassment, and sucked

"When I started Pussycat," Sput announced again.

suddenly, returning to his previous mood and

"It's quite strong," he said thoughtfully.

topic, "I had only one thought in mind: increasing Sput misunderstood, "Nothing but the best for

the total amount of freedom in the world. Of

my guests," he said grandly. "Fifty bucks an course," he added with a roguish grin, "it wasn't ounce."

against my principle to get rich in the process. But

The doctor looked amazed. "That's quite

freedom was paramount. And now, after twenty

expensive for tobacco," he said, visibly impressed.

years, what do I see? What do I see? I'll tell you

Sput stared at him, then grinned. "Quite a sense

what I see. People are as shit-scared and cowardly

of humor you've got, Doc," he said jovially.

as ever, and still waiting for orders. Nothing can

The doctor looked puzzled, then took another

change humanity. Jesus couldn't do it. Jefferson

toke.

couldn't do it. Even I can't do it. People are

"Where's the swimming pool?" Tarantella asked.

hopeless."

"Through that door and downstairs," Sput said.

"You worry too much," Stella said sympa-

"But it's full of noisy drunks right now, I think."

thetically. "About people. And freedom. And all

Stella, who had been toking very deeply, laid

that shit."

down the hose and closed both nostrils with her

Sput stared at her suddenly, "Stella," he said.

fingers. The doctor stared as she opened one and

"The lady with no last name. I am bored, Stella. I 88

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am uneasy and suffering from existential angst and somewhat vaguely, and saw Sput, stripped from

several other fashionable varieties of heebie-jeebies, the waist down, his cock vanishing into Stella's

I am dying, Egypt, dying. Everybody is waiting for

mouth. "Oh, Jesus," he muttered. "It must be a me to live up to my reputation. Would you give me

hallucinogen. Not even the publisher of Pussycat

a blow job? Right here? Right now?"

would be doing that in a room full of people." He

"I was wondering when you'd ask," she said.

squinted thoughtfully. "Miss Only—I mean,

"You personally introduce me to three Hollywood

Stella—am I imagining this."

producers afterwards, agreed?"

"Glub, grub," was the answer.

"Four. I'm in a generous mood."

"Mr. Dill, am I imagining this?"

"Done," she said, scuttling forward to grapple

"Have another toke, Doc. The night is young."

with his fly.

Dill had been whispering with a very attractive

"Does this tobacco have a drug in it?" Dr. Prong Pussiette and was now slipping his own trousers

asked suspiciously. "I'm feeling very strange

down.

suddenly."

Dr. Prong wasn't listening. He had become

"Hey," a woman yelled. "Sput's about to get a absorbed in one of the pillows. "What an amazing

blow job." A small crowd began to gather.

shade of blue," he was saying to nobody in

"Wait," Sput said, as his trousers were pulled particular. "Must be two threads very cleverly

down. "You've got to say something first."

woven together."

"What is it?" Stella asked, obviously amused by

"Hike yourself around this way," Dill was telling his fantasies.

the Pussiette. "I want to sixty-nine."

"You say: I'm Mary Poppins, and I want to

"Swallow it, swallow it all, Mary Poppins," Dr.

suck you off, Sput.' And, uh, 'I want your white

Prong heard a voice crying, "swallow every

hot come gushing into my mouth.' "

goddamn drop, you bloody English snob. I AM AN

"Okay. I'm Mary Poppins and I want to suck

AMERICAN!"

you off, Sput, I want your white hot come gushing

"I have fallen out of reality into fantasy," Dr.

into my mouth."

Prong said thoughtfully.

"With conviction, damn it. With conviction!"

Behind him a stereo began to blare Buffy Saint

"There must be a drug in this stuff," Dr. Prong Marie:

said. "I can feel it. I really ought to leave." He

"God is alive, magic is a f o o t . . . "

made no move to stand up. He looked about him,

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91

themselves, like many Kennedy assassination buffs,

to unearthing complex and far-reaching

conspiracies in or out of government. A panel of

experts consisting of a young Harvard professor

with enough good looks to be unintimidating, a

popular Broadway columnist, and a famous retired

Hollywood cowboy who set trick questions about

facts that wouldn't fit the contestants conspiracy

theory. The contestant then had to explain the

Chapter Eight

facts, or at least explain them away.

Tonight's contestant was a believer in the

Is there Life after Death?

Bavarian Illuminati, a secret society of bankers,

Satanists and communists who had allegedly

Thirty blocks west of the bash at Sput's pad a

controlled the world since 1776.

certain Mr. Stanislaus Oedipusky was watching

Stanislaus Oepipuski disliked the show because

television with his fiancee, Miss Mary Kelly.

he could never make up his mind whether or not

"Right, right!" the emcee was shouting

the conspiracies discussed were really real.

hysterically, as if announcing the first contact with

Besides, he had certain plans tonight for Miss

an extraterrestrial intelligence. "You have just won Kelly—her parents were away for two days—and

$27,000. Now do you want to try for $81,000?"

King Kong was definitely more erotic than all this Stanislous yawned cavernously. "Wanna try the

palavar about Bavarian commies and devil-

movies?" he asked. King Kong is on channel nine worshippers switching a Carcano-Mannlicher for

again."

Oswald's own rifle and hypnotizing Sirhan Sirhan

"No, no," Miss Kelly said. "This is exciting."

by remote control.

Stan sighed. He hated the show they were

"I'll try for $81,000," the contestant-a balding watching because it confused him. Prove Your

accountant from the Bronx—said gamely.

Conspiracy was the rage of the TV season, but it

"Goodness, this is exciting," Mary Kelly

was perhaps a bit too tricky for Ma and Pa in the

bubbled enthusiastically.

living room there in Des Moines and certainly

"Yeah," Stan said, opening another can of beer.

wouldn't get renewed next year. The contestants

"We'll be back with your question right after

were ordinary men and women who had devoted

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93

this word from our sponsor," the emcee cried as if pushed it back to her shoulder. The dancing noses

announcing the second coming of Christ.

were back, singing about the sponsor's product;

On the screen came an incredible girl—far

and in twenty seconds the hand was back again,

lovelier than Monroe or Deitrich in their

resting in the most friendly fashion possible against

primes—hanging up a phone and looking morose

her breast. "No," she said, pushing it away.

and despondent. "Good grief," she said into the Now on the screen a housewife was staring with

camera, "that's the third time he's been 'too busy'

bugged eyes out at the audience. "A cock in my

for a date." She frowned in perplexity. "Is there kitchen!" she cried with great astonishment. The

something wrong with me?"

camera, in a zoom shot, picked up a rooster

Stan casually let his hand rest on Miss Kelly's

standing on the sink behind her. The rooster threw

shoulder and gave an affectionate, brotherly

back its head and crowed, then miraculously

squeeze. On the screen an actor appeared wearing a

turned into a cartoon rooster on a box of

costume consisting of two nostrils beneath which

Chanticleer (IT MAKES EVERYTHING CLEAN)

only his lower legs could be seen. "POST-NASAL

Suds. "Yes," an invisible announcer shouted "be DRIP," he thundered through an echo chamber.

cleaner than clean—and have a cock in your

The camera panned in for a quick close-up on the

kitchen!" Miss Kelly giggled nervously and pushed actress, looking guilty and trapped. "Good grief,"

away the hand again although it seemed to have

she cried with girlish anguish. "Could I have

wandered back as quietly as a shy puppy.

post-nasal drip?" The scene cut to a row of actors,

"We're gonna get married," Stan said mourn-

all dressed in nose costumes, and dancing as they

fully, still staring at the screen.

sang a song about the perils of post-nasal drip.

"We're not married yet," Miss Kelly said primly.

Another actor appeared, wearing a white smock

The hand dangled hopelessly, like a wounded

(below him on the screen was the caption, A

soldier. Then, by some strange navigation that she

DRAMATIZATION); "Doctors k n o w . . . " he didn't see, it arrived suddenly in her lap, where it

began with an earnest frown.

collapsed as if dead and totally harmless.

Stan moved his hand slightly and felt the side of

"No," she said, and the hand crept away like a Miss Kelly's breast. His face was blank, absorbed in

dying kitten. But now he was kissing her ear.

the actor talking about sinus-passage congestion; it

"Honestly," she said, exasperated, "you only almost seemed that his hand was acting without his

think of one thing." <

awareness. Miss Kelly quietly reached up and

"I love you," he breathed mournfully.

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"Then you'd respect me," she said sharply.

deodorant pad of clean, clean white cotton .. ."

He kissed her again. "Even the priest wouldn't

"Just one kiss," Miss Kelly said judiciously.

say an engaged man shouldn't kiss his fiancee." He

"Just one."

sighed again, profoundly. "Sometimes I think you

A passing car cast its headlights upon their

don't love me at all."

window. Its radio blared at them:

"YES," A cowboy was shouting from the

"God is alive,

screen, "WE WANT REAL ROUGH TOUGH

Magic is a f o o t . . . "

HE-MAN'S UNDIES OUT HERE IN THE WEST.

"Just one," Mary repeated firmly.

WE WANT JOCKEY JOE JOCKIE SHORTS." The

picture cut to a close-up of the crotch area of a

dummy wearing Jockey Joe Jockie Shorts, with a

convincing bulge in the appropriate place. Miss

Kelly giggled again, more nervously than before.

"You don't love me at all," Stan was plaintively rumbling, while his mouth traced an affectionate

path from her earlobe to he corner of her mouth.

"I do love you," she said, "and I do want to marry you. But I want you to be proud of me. I

don't want you to think I'm just another tramp

like Nancy Gibbons."

"I love you, too," Stan spoke as if from his deathbed. "I love you so much it hurts." The hand was in her armpit, quite still, not approaching the

breasts at all. "I love you and respect you.

Honest!" The hand crept a centimeter further and

stopped. "Just one kiss," she said boyishly, "and then we'll watch the TV."

"GROIN ODOR CAN BE OFFENSIVE," the

announcer shouted. "That's why Jockey Joe

Jockie Shorts come equipped with built-in

The Sex Magicians

99

was obvious that the lady was still fairly young,

quite well preserved and definitely stacked. Crazy she might be (But how could he judge? Maybe it

was normal for rich people to act out any fantasy

that struck them) but unappetizing she definitely

Chapter Nine

was not.

Although she was the first naked woman he had

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

ever seen alive, outside of his magazines and Tarot

cards, she was not a disappointment and not

Markoff Chaney, feeling like a perfect damned

strikingly less golden and rounded than, say, the

fool but excited nonetheless, paddled down a hall

Pussycat Sex Kitten of the Month. A head of

wearing a Teddy Snowcrop suit. The third door,

gloriously fiery red hair was spread on the pillow,

the butler had told him, was the bedroom where

and below it her pretendedly sleeping face was

his hostess awaited him.

lovely in its peaceful anticipation His eyes swept

"Insanity is the only viable alternative," he over her rounded shoulders, the two snowy-white

breasts rising and falling with her respiration, the

repeated to himself. Then he pushed the door open

cute nipples that stood in surprisingly large

and entered the first rich people's bedroom he had

aureoles upon those breasts, the soft pillow of her

ever seen.

belly, and, best of all, the thick swatch of reddish There was, as he had been told, only one light,

fur that hid her sex. And she had legs like a chorus

behind the bed, playing upward on the ceiling and

girl.

shedding a soft glow by reflection. The bed was

made up, covered with an expensive-looking

He felt himself becoming erect at the very sight

heirloom spread. Beside it, lit up nicely by the

of her. My first woman, he thought, at last. His

mouth was dry and his heart began to pound. He

indirect light, was the table bearing a single can of

stood frozen, breathing a prayer of gratitude,

Snowcrop orange juice, as he had expected.

hardly able to believe that this was reality, not

And on the bed, nude, eyes tightly closed and

fantasy.

pretending to sleep, was his hostess.

She's waiting for me. For me.

Chaney caught his breath. Judging from what he

Markoff Chaney experienced true happiness.

was expected to do, he had been prepared to see a

Boldly, he stepped forward and grabbed the orange

crazy old frump; instead, to his intense delight, it

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101

juice can. An opener lay beside it and he quickly

poured in some more orange juice and went blindly

punched two holes, his hands trembling a

hunting for her clitoris with his tongue. He found

bit—when the lady's belly moved with her

it—a delightfully pert little button—and took it

breathing, he felt his penis stir in the same rhythm.

between his lips. Immediately, she groaned and

Then, clutching the juice can in one hand, he

threw her legs over his shoulders, pulling him own

hoisted himself onto the bed, catching her in a

deeper into her crotch. "Teddy,'* she murmured,

sudden smile. But she was good at the game: her

"you've come back."

eyes still didn't open.

We all live in our fantasy and only endure our

Carefully, he lay beside her hip, looking at those

reality, he thought philosophically. According to

breasts, those real female breasts, not in a

instructions, he began to spiral licking motion,

photograph but right there in bed with him. Then,

working from the outer lips slowly inward around

with infinite delicacy, he lifted the can and let

the inner lips and ending with the clitoris again.

some of the orange juice dribble onto her bush.

She began to heave up and down as if being

fucked, and his excitement grew, as he imagined

She sighed and a tremor ran through her.

and participated in her sensations.

He poured a little more, and he legs spread

voluptuously and she slowly raised her knees. He

Her hands were on the ears of his Teddy

was seeing it at last, the outer lips and the cleft

Snowcrop costume and she was pulling him down

revealed as he had always dreamed of it, the halo

onto her frantically as she bucked upwards literally

of reddish fur even more lovely than his fantasies.

fucking his mouth with her cunt. He began lapping

He dribbled some more orange juice and leaned

her more rapidly, quite distinctly tasting the musty

over, pushing the snout onto her bush and

female-in-passion flavor mixed with orange juice.

maneuvering his tongue into the cleft between the

Any bar that dared to serve this—the Come

lips.

Cocktail, it might be called—would do a land-office

business, before the police closed them down. He

She was delicious. His head swam: in all his

pictured the kitchen where some lucky soul would

fantasies, he had never imagined a woman's sexual

rub the women off into the orange juice; Christ,

flow mixed with orange juice, and it was superb-

what an idea.

He licked up and down between the lips, trembling

at the flavor and the rapidly increasing heat of her.

"Oh, your tongue, your tongue," she cried. "In The lips were swelling and he felt the inner lips at

me, Teddy, in me. "

last, becoming thick with passion also. He quickly

The midget maneuvered his tongue into her

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vagina and bobbed his head in imitation fucking

motions. Her legs went limp on his back, then

tight, then limp again. She's close to coming, he

thought rapturously. I'm making a woman come at

last. He strained, sticking his tongue further into

her, maddened by the thicker and heavier taste of

Chapter Ten

her and losing the orange juice can entirely in his

passion. He got both hands under her and lifted her

Who is the Master who makes the grass green?

ass, drawing her pussy up to him, sucking

desperately as he plunged his tongue again and

"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the

again deeper and deeper into her.

law," intoned Simeon Luna.

"TEDDY SNOWCROP!" she screamed insanely.

"What is thy will?" responded little Sister

" F R O D O BAGGINS!! PETER PAN!!!

Teresa.

CHILDHOOD!!!! INNOCENCE!!!! EAT MY

"To eat and drink," he intuned.

PUSSY!!!!" She was coming, gushing like an oil

"For what purpose?" she asked again.

well, all the female juices of her flowing into his

"To replenish my body," he responded ritually.

mouth, and he nibbled the outer lips with his

"For what purpose?"

teeth, eyes tightly closed, riding on her cunt like a

"To carry on the Great Work."

man hanging onto the edge of a cliff by his jaw

"Fall to!" she exclaimed. "Love is the law, love muscles alone, bucking and bouncing with her,

under will."

swallowing the essence of her womanhood. And

And so dinner began at the First Church of

now after decades and decades of frustration,

Scientific Illuminism.

finally coming, exploding from the sheer lust of

"What is the agenda for tonight?" asked Brother her soul communicated to him in every spasm and

Mordecai, forking a shrimp and dunking it in a

twitch of her passionate pussy.

sauce of catsup, horse radish and peyote

He thought two things: Now they're going to

shred dings.

have to clean the Teddy Snowcrop suit.

"I have to trace down those Super Vibes we've

And: I wonder if I'm still technically a virgin.

all been noticing," Simeon Luna replied, digging

into the lobster-in-hashish-supreme.

"Do you have any fix on it?" asked Sister Kteis, 104

The Sex Magicians The Sex Magicians

105

taking a snort of cocaine.

Bible, why in heaven's name haven't they killed

"Oh, yes," Simeon Luna answered easily. "It's you yet? When this is your third week on this

somewhere to the South. In Chicago. North of the

show?"

Loop. Around the Gold Coast probably." He sliced

The camera panned in on a tight close-up of the

a piece of filet mignon.

contestant, a balding man with a haggard and

"Is it Neg-ESP or just static?" Brother Fang the nervous expression.

Unwashed asked curiously.

"They dare not kill me," he began, "because of

"It's a Mama Vibe," Simeon Luna said, sounding Certain Papers I have placed in a sealed bank vault.

awed. "Some lonely soul who has turned on totally Stories from The New Yorker with every fifth

and doesn't even know what he's doing."

word underlined, showing how they communicate

"That could be dangerous," little Sister Teresa with each other right out in the open—and people

commented dubiously.

think those stories don't mean anything, hah!— and

" Tear is failure,' " Simeon quoted. " 'No spell old Fulton Sheen columns, with every third word

or scourge can harm those who have righteousness

underlined, and .. ."

as their armor.* " He dipped his cup into the punch Stan was perplexed. He wished to hell he could

bowl, which contained 150-year-old cognac slightly

decide whether the Illuminti really existed or not.

spiked with psilocybin.

Meanwhile, he slowly eased the hand down into

And so the Illuminati feasted and plotted, while

the armpit, to join the thumb.

the Mama Vibe continued to radiate . . .

"No," Mary said promptly.

"I'm not touching you," Stan cried, feeling Stanislaus Oedipusky had the hand back on

unjustly accused. "I'm not touching you!"

Mary's shoulder again and sunk the thumb into an

"Well, you're not touching me in a bad place, armpit.

but you're starting a g a i n . . . "

"What I want to know," the Harvard professor

"What's wrong with an armpit? Just because it's on the TV was asking, "is this: if the Illuminati hairy?" Stan asked, ungrammatically but very covered up all the evidence on the Kennedy

sincerely.

assassinations, and the King assassination, and the

Mary looked temporarily puzzled, and the

wreck of the Titanic— as you say—and have buried ex-cowboy panelist asked, "Is there anybody you

all those fake fossils to make us think the world is

can name who isn't part of the Illuminati?"

older than 4000 years and lead us to doubt the

"Well, S p i r o Agnew p r o b a b l y . . . " the 106

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contestant began.

Dinner at the First Church of Scientific

Illuminism was completed and Simeon Luna had

retired to his sacristy to seek astral contact with

the Mama Vibe. Little Sister Teresa assisted him.

Chapter Eleven

Simeon lay on the floor, nude, in the position of

the Hanged Man from the Tarot deck. He chanted

Where do these questions come from?

the most powerful Name in all magick, IAO, the

sound that is capable of any desired effect if one CHINA, 700 A. D.: A perplexed young man

knows how to pronounce it, which is why no

came to the Master Ped Xing, foremost exponent

textbook on the occult ever dares to give the

of Ch'an Buddhism, the most radical of all

pronunciation. (Hint: it has three syllables.)

Buddhist sects. "Master," said the young man, "I

"IAO, IAO, IAO," Simeon chanted. "Thou

seek illumination."

Great Wild Beast, IAO, IAO, IAO, Goat of Mendes,

"How can you seek illumination," replied old IAO, IAO, IAO, IAO, Panphage meta Pangenitor,

Xing, "when you already own the light of the

IAO, IAO, IAO, IAO, IAOJAO.. ."

universe?"

Sister Teresa, eyes tightly closed, sucked very

"How do I own the light of the universe?" asked slowly up and down Simeon's penis. In her mind,

the young man, more perplexed than when he had

both his and her body had slowly faded away; all

entered.

that existed was the penis, filling all space, and she

"Where does that question come from?" Ped

was all starry energy surrounding it. In Simeon's

Xing asked.

mind, he was IAO, was the penis, was all matter and existence. In short, together they were in

AFGHANISTAN, 1100 A. D.: Hassan i Sabbah,

Kether, the topmost reach of the Astral World.

the Old Man of the Mountains, Grandmaster of the

"IAO, IAO, IAO, IAO, IAO," the chant

Assassins, Lord of the Brothers of Light, prophet

continued.

of the Ishmaelian sect of Islam, first in a long line

Looking down at Malkus (our material world)

of Aga Khans, was in addition to these accomplish-

from Kether, in the astral realm, Simeon began to ments the inventor of the time-release capsule,

find the Mama Vibe . ,.

which he was careful to keep secret.

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109

Looking down upon two young men who had

tional clarity and all colors were jewel-like, bril-

just finished eating dinner with him, the noble

liant, divinely beautiful.

Lord Hassan said, "Take them to the garden."

A group of extremely beautiful young

Servants were quick to obey, and the young

ladies—imported from the most expensive brothel

men—being sound asleep—did not object. The

in Cairo—sat in a circle around each of the young

time-release capsule in their food had released a

candidates, playing upon lutes and other delicately

heavy dose of opium and they were quite

sweet Oriental musical instruments. "Welcome to

thoroughly unconscious and unaware of their

heaven," they sang as the awakening men gazed

surroundings.

about them in wonder. "By the magic of the holy

The garden—officially known as "the Garden of

Lord Hassan, you have entered Paradise while still

Delights"—covered several acres. Here candidates

alive." And they fed them "paradise apples"

were prepared for admission to the Order of the

(oranges), far sweeter and stranger than the

Assassins: they were to become the most feared

earth-apples they had known before, and they

and legendary professional killers in history. But

showed them the animals of paradise (imported

here also, in this same garden, were prepared

from as far away as Japan, in some cases), creatures

candidates for admission to the Brotherhood of

far more remarkable than those ordinarily seen in

Light, the Illuminati. The candidates, in fact, were

Afghanistan.

prepared the same way. They themselves selected,

"This is heaven!" the first young man unknown to themselves, which order they would

exclaimed, in ecstasy. "Great is Allah, and great is enter—the political Assassins or the mystic

the wise Lord Hassan Sabbah!"

Illuminati.

But, twenty acres away, surrounded by similar

Both young men were conveyed into the Garden

lovely ladies and other wonders, the second young

of Delights and placed several acres apart from

man merely gazed about him, smiled in content-

each other. In a short time, the second stage of the

ment, and said nothing.

time-release capsule began to work; cocaine was

And then, in both cases, the houris of Paradise, released into their bloodstreams, thereby over-as promised in the Koran, began to dance, and as whelming the traces of the soporofic opium and

they danced, they discarded one by one each of

causing them to awaken full of energy and zest. At

their seven veils. As the veils were thrown off,

the same time, as they woke, hashish also began to

more and more hashish was released from he '

be released, so they saw everything with excep-

capsules and the young men saw with greater

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111

clarity, felt with deeper intensity, experienced

"Go at once to the Green Room to meet your

beauty and sexual joy in a way completely

superior in the Order."

unknown in their previous earth lives.

When this candidate had left, Hassan turned to

Then, as each young man sat entranced by the

the second, asking, "And you?"

beauty and wonder of Heaven, the houris finished

"I have discovered the greatest treasure in the

the dance, and nude and splendid as they were,

universe," he said simply. "And it is my own rushed forward in a bunch, like flowers cast before

mind."

the wind. And some fell at the candidate's feet and

Hassan i Sabbah grinned broadly. "Welcome to

kissed his ankles; some kissed knees or thighs, one

the Order of the Illuminati!" he said, laughing.

sucked raptly at his penis, others kissed the chest

and arms and belly, a few kissed eyes and mouth

BAVARIA, 1780 A.D.: In the legend-haunted

and ears. And as he was smothered in this

old town of Igolstadt, three doors from the house

hashish-intensified avalanche of love, the lady

where young Victor von Frankenstein pursued

working on his penis sucked and sucked and

research that was to make his name infamous,

sucked until he came in her mouth as softly and

Adam Weishaupt, grand primus illuminatus of the slowly and blissfully as a single snowflake falling.

Bavarian Illuminati, 33o free and accepted mason,

In a little while, there was no more hashish being

10o Order of Oriental Templars, first speaker of

released and more opium began to flow into the

the Grand Orient Lodge of reformed (Cagliostroan)

bloodstream. The young candidates slept again;

French freemasons, and professor of Canon Law at

and in their torpor, they were removed from he

the University of Ingolstadt, worked late at night,

Garden of Delights and returned to the banquet

finishing his horrible treatise Uber Strip

hall of the Lord Hassan.

Schnipp-Schnapp, Weltspielen and

Funfwissenschaft, which future generations were There they awoke.

to classify with Ludvig Prinn's De Vermis Mysteriis

'Truly," the first exclaimed, "I have seen the and mad Abdul Alhazred's feared Necronomicon as glories of Heaven, as foretold in the blessed Al

one of the three most terrible books in the whole

Koran. I have no more doubts. I will trust Hassan i world.

Sabbah and love him and serve him, more than ever

did I trust or love or serve mine own father."

"You are accepted for the Order of Assassins,"

"Truly," Professor Weishaupt was writing, "few .

said the gracious Lord Hassan, grave and solemn.

men have shown such exemplary and

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The Sex Magicians

grandmotherly kindness as the noble Hassan i

Sabbah, whose assassinations, by striking only at

public figures, prevented any necessity to send an

army into combat. Here we see the pragmatic

equivalent of sentimental pacifism united with the

moral alternative to war, all in one neat package. It

was with simple truth that Abdul Alhazred wrote

of Sabbah, This was an Illuminated Mind.' And

Chapter Twelve

yet, we in our scientific eighteenth century must

not rest of Sabbah's teachings; we must advance

Is God male? female? or neuter?

one step further-"

He stopped writing because he was laughing too

Back at Sput's pad things were also getting a bit

loud to hold the pen in his hand. The candle flame

spooky.

wobbled as his guffaws exploded upward from his

Dr. Prong sat amid a wall-to-wall sea of writhing,

belly, and strange lights danced upon the walls.

panting, gasping bodies. He was seeing various

The laughter continued, bounced around the room,

mathematical curves made by the rise and fall of

echoed onto the street outside.

shoulders, legs, hips and various other parts; and he

A passing burger heard and piously crossed

was quite happily trying to remember the names

himself, hurrying onward. It was well known that

and equations for each curve. He was very

Adam Weishaupt was a deep one and Lord only

definitely stoned although imperfectly aware of

knew what such fiendish laugh implied.

the fact.

"It is time for the Illuminati to become

"You lonely?" a Pussiette asked, crawling

scientific," Weishaupt scribbled on, still barely toward him.

controlling his mirth. "And for this end, we shall

"Not at all," he said. "I thought I was under the go underground for two hundred years. And

influence of some drug for a while, but obviously

then . . . "

I'm not. In act, I'm thinking with quite remarkable

The fiendish sound of his laughter woke the cat,

clarity."

Robin, who prudently leaped out the window and

"Oh, boy, yeah," she said. "You're too stoned kept running until he reached Munich.

to join the fun."

"Young lady, believe me, you're quite mistaken. %

Religion, mathematics and sex are all the same. I

just discovered that.*' Dr. Prong stared at her

on Tarentella's bush, thinking of the pleasure she

owlishly. "A drugged man does not do mathe-

had given him that afternoon. Meanwhile, the

matics," he added.

tongue had stopped its up-and-down passage and

Tarantella Serpentine, who had evidently

was monotonously and insistently circling the rim

returned from the pool a while back, crawled over.

of his cockhead, building up a charge in him that

"Oh, yeah, baby," she said. "You're not drugged at was quite surprising, considering his very recent

all. But now you're going to give me the treatment

orgasm.

I always give you."

A sudden motion to the right drew his eyes.

And with no other word than that, the brazen

Sput was standing up, leaning forward over a girl

girl sunk onto her back and dragged his head down

who kneeled on hands and knees before him,

into her crotch.

taking his penis into her rectum. Another man,

"Oh, really," he said, "not in public, like this.

standing before her, was dreamily jacking off, and

These people are all drugged and unscrupulous, I'm

she had her mouth open, watching, waiting to

sure."

catch his come on her tongue when he climaxed.

"Encourage him, honey," Tarantella said im-

Too bad I can't take notes, Dr. Prong thought,

pishly to the Pussiette.

how the other half lives. But Tarantella's musky

Without a word, the other girl, equally devoid of

bush, pushing up against his mouth and nose, was

any sense of the fitness of things, began undoing

now quite wet and he reminded himself to

his belt.

continue licking it, while the darling girl at his port

"Now just a damn minute—" Dr. Prong started

was now gobbling his prick quite intensely. He

to protest. But she went right ahead and in a

looked down to see if she was getting any direct

minute her tongue was flicking up and down his

stimulation and saw that a third girl had joined

wand with fiery little flashes. Meanwhile, Taran-

their daisy chain and was licking each breast

tella had both hands on his head and was pulling it

alternately, while Dill busily sucked at her snatch between her legs.

and kept one finger in the Pussiette's heaving twat.

"I really don't—glug, glub," he said, still not It was all very cozy, but Dr. Prong wondered if that

quite believing all this.

damn drug had loused up everybody's sense of

But the tongue on his tool was carrying him to a

decorem.

point where he was not able to argue with

It would be a mathematical miracle if we all

anybody. Obediently, he began placing little kisses

come at once, he thought.

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The Sex Magicians

The Pussiette, meanwhile, was quite conscious

that the lips on her nipples were female, but that

somewhat queer note didn't disturb her; rather, it

Chapter Thirteen

added to the general excitement. The finger in her

honey-box must have been male, and the cock in

Who knows what Evil lurks in the hearts of men?

her mouth definitely was, and she reached out one

caressing hand to the breasts of the girl who was

Things were somewhat more restrained at the

sucking on her, while feeling Dr. Prong's prong

Kelly household.

suddenly get hotter and harder in her mouth, and

Well, after an hour of importuning, Stan had

she suddenly had a flash of thinking group ecstasy

gotten the hand under Mary's sweater, to rest on

reverberating by chain reaction from one to

the brassiere, but he was still under strict taboo not another must be what heaven was like, but then

to move it very much, and especially not to move

the hot salty spash on her tongue catapulted her

it during the open-mouth kisses.

into ecstasy and Dill moved his finger carefully

Those kisses, however, were proceeding nicely.

inside her to help her along and the other girl

Mary Kelly was definitely breathing hard and

nibbled very gently on her nipples and she went

sometimes when she said "no" again neither he nor completely out of herself in spasm after spasm.

she was quite sure what exactly she was forbidding.

And even Dr. Prong had quite forgotten about

"DON'T LET ATHLETE'S FOOT RUIN YOUR

the sinister machinations of Ezra Pound and the

MARRIAGE," the TV was blaring. "NINE OUT

Fair Play for Fernando Poo Committee.

OF TEN DOCTORS SAY-"

We should really stop," Mary gasped.

"I can't stop," Stan moaned. "You have

awakened the tiger in me." He kissed her again,

impassionately, and dared to feel around for the

nipple at the same time. To his delight it was

definitely becoming perceptible under the bra.

"No, please, don't do that," Mary breathed. But this time she made no move to stop him; indeed,

her hands were clenched into little fists as if she

were fighting not him but herself.

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119

"I love you, I love you," he gasped, like a whale Back at Orgasm Research, a pre-med student

cast up on a beach, meanwhile working the nipple

named Marvin Gardens had long since replaced the

something fierce.

psych student. On his own authority, because he

"Puh-lease," she said, but her little fists were had become curious about the direction of this

still as unresisting as dead soldiers.

experiment, he had brought in the necessary

Stan gamely dropped a hand into her lap

equipment to begin feeding Josie intravenously.

again—a tactical mistake, it turned out, for she

Marvin himself was munching an apple and taking

went rigid at once and put both fists on his chest,

an occasional note.

pushing him away. "NO," she howled, in the voice Josie was bathed in sweat. The feeding

of one undergoing an exquisite Chinese torture.

equipment was plugged into her left arm, the ACE

Stan retreated. "I'm sorry," he muttered like a equipment hovered above her like some sinister

thief caught in the act. "You get me so worked

interplanetary robot, and the bottom sheets were

u p - "

twisted and torn in a few places as if bears had

"We better stop," she said. "Before I get you been sleeping in the bed. Her eyes were entirely

more worked up."

out of focus whenever she opened them and she

"Just one more kiss," Stan begged pathetically.

was speaking her fantasies in the dead-level schizzy

"No, we shouldn't-"

tone of a narco-analysis patient: "You coon," she

"I won't touch you again. Honest."

was saying, "you big black buck. Give it to me.

"We really shouldn't-"

Ram it into me. I wanna come again. Make me

"POST KRISPIES," the TV roared, "WILL

come again . . . "

GIVE YOUR LITTLE SPACE RANGER A

King Kong dutifully plugged away at her raw

TASTY AND NUTRITIOUS BLAST-OFF EVERY

and cavernous pussy.

MORNING." A penile-shaped rocket was seen

Marvin Gardens made a note, munching his

racing toward the moon.

apple, unaffected by her .moans and spasms. He

Neither Stan nor Mary saw it. They were lost in

was a homosexual.

what she thought of as a passionate soul-kiss. She

was counting mentally because a local expert on

"I could weep when I think of my fellow

morality had told her that it became sinful after

countrymen," Sput said, toking again on the

twenty seconds. Alas, she lost count around

hookah. "They started with the greatest i

fourteen.

Constitution in the history of the world and have

120

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The Sex Magicians 121

spent nearly two hundred years twisting it

grown man weep."

backwards to allow themselves the masochistic

"You worry too m u c h , " Stella said

pleasure of being victimized by tyrants. Separation

sympathetically. "You're all heart, Sput."

of church and state, the constitution says—and

they've fastened on their own backs a priestly

Stan Oedipusky was making more progress. His

tyranny so archiac that any visiting Englishman or

hand was under Mary's skirt, pressing gently

Frenchman thinks he's fallen through a time warp

against the crotch of her panties.

back into the Middle Ages. No laws restricting

"Please," Mary was saying, almost in agony,

freedom of the press, the constitution says—and

"Please, Stan . . . " It wasn't too clear what she was there isn't a single media from TV to

asking for, and he covered her lips in another kiss

deaf-and-dumb sign language that isn't policed,

before she could express herself in more detail.

regulated, censored, bowdlerized, controlled,

Unfortunately, he had to break for a breath of

restricted, castrated. No wars without the consent

air, and she had a chance to speak again. "I can't,"

of congress, the constitution says—and they let any

she panted, wilde-eyed, looking in general like the

dimwit in the White House invade any country

survivor of a bombed-out city. "I'm afraid, Stan!"

from here to Fernando Poo, and don't have balls

"I won't hurt you," he gasped, easing a finger enough to start impeachment proceedings. They're

over the top of her panties. "Honest to God, Mary, even giving up their right to bear arms. And the

I won't hurt you."

fact that they're spied on every time they pick up a

phone—the fact that they can't even take a crap in

Josie stood on top of the Empire State Building,

a public John without some creep from the vice

and this time the planes from Floyd Bennet Field

squad watching them through a peep hole to make

were late in arriving. He hovered above her,

sure they don't do anything faggotty—the fact that

growling and sniffing; they were alone at last, and

they have less privacy than the Germans under

his dark eyes blazed with his gross and brutal

Hitler—doesn't bother them a whit. They just

passion for her (for her!). Slowly his enormous

sprawl there with the faces in the mud and their

whang began to swell—one foot, two feet, three

butts in the air, wiggling and saying 'Stick it into

feet. When it reached five incredible pulsating feet

me again, just like you did before.' And the

in length, he threw back his head and began to beat

bureaucrats in Washington are glad to oblige. I tell

his chest, roaring his savage cry of passion into the

you," he added morosely, "it's enough to make a sky.

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At last, King Kong—free finally of censors, in

on the floor. "Now, remember," she said, "if you the privacy of Josie's feverish mind—was taking his

want to do that, you've got to really do it, all the

bride.

way. That stuff is sticky if it dries in. You've got to promise to lick all of it off, all of it."

"Another thing that almost drives me to tears,"

"I promise," Dill said happily, "I promise said Sput philosophically, "is the custard-headed already."

imbecility of the so-called opposition or

"And another thing," Sput went on, although

counterculture in this perishing republic. Clowns

nobody was listening, "the fat-headedness of

who are trying to organize a mass rebellion, but

contemporary science is almost as gross as that of

insult the masses every time they open their

the god-forsaken churches. Why, I remember a few

mouths. Lame brains who oppose censorship here

years ago, when all those Buddhists were burning

at home but find very elegant excuses to defend it

themselves to death to protest the American

anywhere else in the world. Idiots who cry out for

invasion of Vietnam; Science News did a survey to liberty but are eager to accept any dictator who

try to find out how they could sit so calm while

comes along. Epistemological illiterates who don't

blazing like torches. And who do you suppose they

know the difference between an argument and an

asked? A bunch of psychologists and

assertion. Clods with no more courtesy than the

neurologists—the last people in the world to know

Jukes family, no more tolerance than the Ku Klux

anything about it. (They don't even know yet that

Klan, no more sophistication than Jeeter Lester,

men kneel in churches because it gets their heads

and no more humor than Cotten Mather. Why, if I

closer to the ground and makes them feel more like

pick one of them for an interview in my magazine,

they've regressed to childhood.) If they knew

they spend half their space saying that I'm a pimp,

anything about not feeling flame, they'd be able to

a whoremonger, a slave owner, a pig and an

do it, and they can't. They can't even bear the imperialist—and when I show my own respect for

toothache patiently, as a fellow named

freedom of the press by printing their incoherent

Shakespeare once said. But that's not the final

gibberings, they sneer at me as an old-fashioned

irony. The researchers didn't ask a single Buddhist.

liberal. I could weep, I tell you, I could weep."

Not one. It never occurred to them to ask the

people who can do it. What conceit! What

Beside him, Dill was busily and blearily spraying

occidental chauvinism! What pea-brained fatuity! I

whipped cream from a can into Tarentella's crotch

could weep, I tell you."

as she lay in total relaxation, nude and gleaming,

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"Zactly!" said Dr. Prong, sitting up suddenly But actually he was feeling quite happy. His

and not noticing how he jarred the neck of the

mind had made an abrupt leap and he suddenly

lovely Pussiette who was sucking him off at the

saw the way to drive three of his most dangerous

moment. "We don't know any of the important

competitors out of business.

answers. We don't know what sensation is or what

causes it or what stops it. We don't know if the

"I never saw—one of them—before. Not when it

mind is in the brain or spread all over the body, or

was hard I mean," said Mary Kelly, blushing

even if it extends a few feet beyond the body, like

prettily. "I mean, I only saw my brother's once in some of the Russian investigators think and all the

the shower." She blushed again. The poor girl's

old mystics said. We don't know why people get

heart was beating so fast that she could hardly hear

turned on to "sex or art or good weather or

anything else.

anything, and we don't know why they get turned

Stan squirmed, guiltily. "I'll love you forever for off. And anybody who really tries to find out gets

this. Honest I will. It's just that I can't wait no

thrown in jail, like Reich, or persecuted and driven

more. We been engaged three years already." He

to an early grave, like Kinsey, or becomes an object

looked down at his penis, sticking up fat and bold

of ridicule, like me. And we stagger on in our

out of his trouser fly, and he began to hear his own

ignorance, not knowing the answers to any of the

heart beating.

big questions."

"Don't look at me," Mary said shyly. "Look

"The wig questions," said Dill, getting to his over my head. Please."

knees, his mouth smeared with whipped cream.

"I will," he said humbly, with deep gratitude.

'Think about them enough and you blow your

The girl took his penis in her fist and began

wig." He began to recite portentiously, "What is rubbing it, noting with alarm that it was getting

the sound of one hand clapping? Are we all

bigger and harder right away. After we're married,

drinking the water or the wave? Who will guard the

she thought, can I really take all that inside

guardians? Who knows what Evil lurks in the hearts

me? It didn't seem possible, but she knew that she

of men? Why is a duck?" He shook his head. "Well wanted to try—as soon as they were married, of

never know," he concluded profoundly, diving

course. He just wouldn't respect her anymore, she

back into Tarentella's creamy snatch.

knew, if she let him do it now.

" S e e ? " said Sput. "I'm surrounded by Stan was watching some dancing cigars on the

Philistines."

TV and vaguely, over the beating of his heart, he

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could hear them singing something about "you

course); she just knew she could take it—maybe don't have to inhale to enjoy it." An actress

because she suddenly felt very, well, loose and

appeared and took a cigar from an actor, sucking

empty, down there.

on it with suggestively flirtatious shivers of

Stan moaned. "Could you—could you—"

appreciation.

"What?"

"Uh," he said, "Could you-could y o u - "

"Oh, nothing." He was terrified to ask her; she

"What?" Mary asked. She was having trouble

would consider him a monster. Damn that actress

with her breathing: His cock seemed so hot

and her big cigar.

and—alive—in her hand.

"What are you going to—do it—on?" she asked

"Oh, nothing," he said, watching the actress suddenly, still rubbing.

purse her lips around the cigar again.

He couldn't think. "The rug?"

Mary went on rubbing him.

"If my parents saw the stain, I'd die. I'd

"Please, "he said. "Let me look at you."

absolutely die."

She blushed again. "I couldn't do that."

"My handkerchief?"

"Please."

"If your mother saw the stain, I'd die."

"No, really! We should have the lights out. If my

'The flower pot?"

parents came home unexpectedly, I'd just die."

"That's too close to the window. Somebody

"Let me touch you. Just touch you."

might see our shadows."

"No, Stan! I'm doing what you need. Don't get

"For Christ's sake, I gotta come somewhere!"

me in trouble."

"I know!" the girl said brightly. "In my mouth,

"I won't put it in. Honest to God, I won't put it and I can swallow it. Then nobody will ever, ever

in. Just let me touch you—for a minute."

know."

"Honestly! I feel guilty enough already." She

"Oh, yeah," Stan said weakly. "Why didn't I began rubbing faster, trying to get it over with. Her

think of that?"

own feelings betrayed her, though. She was trying

"Tell me when you're ready," she said in a

not to look at what she was doing, but her eyes

strangled voice.

kept creeping back, and Stan's weapon now looked

"NOW," he screamed. "NOW!"

even bigger than it felt. For some odd reason, the

Mary very delicately and nervously took the

size no longer frightened her, and she felt quite

head between her lips, pulling her tongue way back •

sure of her ability to take it all (after marriage, of in her mouth and making no further move.

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" M O R E , " he said. "AN INCH MORE,

she pulled her sweater up to her neck with both

PLLLLLLEASE!!!!!"

hands and began unhooking her bra, all without

She took it out, and the sensation of her hand

taking her mouth off his prick for a second. My

again almost made him think he'd spurt right into God, she's got talent after all, he thought. The

her ear. "Okay," she said bashfully, "but then you breasts hung bare, two cute nipples staring back at

gotta be quick."

him. He groped, bending forward, and touched

"1*11 be quick, 1*11 be quick!" Stan's mouth was one. It was hard beneath his finger. He began

hanging loosely and his eyes were bugging out of

thrusting blindly, holding the nipple between two

his head.

fingers, ramming his cock further and further into

"Well, then . . . " Mary took almost exactly a full her mouth, his eyes shut tight as he rode the waves

inch and a half this time. Stan, catapulted into a

of pleasure into a blackness and a sweetness that

dizzy rush of sensation, thrust two more inches

seemed to engulf him.

into her mouth, his hands clutching desperately for

Then her mouth went away again.

her shoulders.

"FOR JESUS SAKE," he bellowed, "WHAT IS

Suddenly he was thrusting into empty air. Her

I IT THIS TIME?????!!"

mouth had gone away.

The girl was staring at him out of a totally white

"Goodness," she said nervously. "I'm glad that's face. "Put it in me," she mumbled, "I'll die if you over."

don't put it in me."

"OVER?" he screamed. "OVER? I didn't come Stan leaped off the couch, tearing his trousers

yet!!"

down and almost tripping over them as she pulled

Mary giggled shrilly. "Oh. Yes. I would have

her sweater the rest of the way off and began

tasted it, I guess. I'm sorry, I just sort of blanked

unzippering her skirt. In less than a minute he was

out, and I thought you were finished." She put her sprawled on top of her on the floor, groping for

mouth back on his penis and began moving her lips

the cleft between her lips.

rythmically this time, taking three inches, then

"Let me," she said, guiding his prick into her.

four

"All the way," she breathed, "All the way. No,

"A titty," he whispered desperately. "Just let don't move now, just hold it there all the way

me see a titty."

inside me. Oh, Jesus! Oh, Mary and Joseph! Oh,

"Mmmm, mmmm," she said, but the sound was

Sister Mary Agnes! Move it, move it!! Double

affirmative. As he watched in astonished delight,

clutch me, you mother fucker!!!"

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Stan obligingly began thrusting as fast and as

Mary Kelly had left girl-hood behind.

hard as he could. She was as wet and hot as if he

had been fingering her pussy for twenty minutes,

The letterhead said FLAT EARTH RESEARCH

and her nails began to dig into his back as she

SOCIETY "In your heart you know it's flat" and strained upward to kiss him again and again. The

beneath it he was typing neatly:

nails dug into his buttocks, and she seemed to be

trying to pull his whole pelvis into her. Her legs

The famous explorer F. Poo

rose straight up in the air, then wrapped tightly

Grew bored with the ocean so blue

around his waist, and she began chanting like a

His daily diversions

demented priestess, "Oh, fuck, oh, fuck fuck, oh

Were varied perversions

fuck fuck fuck fuck, fucky, fucky, fucky fuck fuck

And he saved the night for a screw

f u c k , f u c k y f u c k m e , f u c k m e ,

fuckfuckfuckfuck..." He buried both hands in

He signed in a big round hand, "John Herbert

her hair, yanked her head backwards and kissed her

Dillinger," folded it neatly, and slipped it in an and hard as he could, shoving his tongue far, far

envelope already addressed to Dr. Roger Prong.

back in her mouth. Uck, uck, uck, uck me," she

Markoff Chaney, out of the Teddy Snowcrop

was chanting right through the kiss. Her virgin

suit and home at the Y, was ready to resume his

pussy, hungry with twenty-three years of

crusade against the mathematical mind.

frustration, seemed to pull on him with the same

grip as her mouth, clutching and sucking on all

Tarantella had gone exploring and found herself

seven inches of his penis. And when he stopped

in a dimly lit room where Stella and several other

kissing to breathe she went on in a new chant,

guys and gals were sitting around naked with a

"Cock, cock, I've got cock, I've got cock inside me, punch bowl in the center of the floor. One man,

Mother of God, I've got cock, cock, cock, cock,

with a pointed beard and strange dark eyes, seemed

I've got cock . . . " Her nails dug deep and hard into to be the center of attention.

his butt, and he was spurting into her, spurting

"Remove your masks all players," he was

again and again, and she screamed, "In my pussy,

chanting, "the carnival draws to a close. Now we

in my pussy, in my pussy-pussy-pussy!" and she

must stand spiritually as well as physically naked."

bucked against him over and over and over and

"What's this?" Tarantella asked, sitting next to over until his head swam.

Stella.

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"Take some of the Truth Serum first," Stella

"Oh," she said, "I've always had this thing said. "It's Zen in the Art of Balling, dig?"

where I'm lying naked in the middle of a swimming

Tarentella tried some of the punch. There was

pool—an empty swimming pool, without water in

no taste beyond papaya and pineapple, so she

it. And all around the top are men jacking off. But

assumed that the mystery ingredient was probably

the nice thing is, they all come at once and every

LSD'

drop of sperm hits me at the same time and covers

"You first," the bearded man said to Stella.

me from head to foot. Every inch of me." She

"What's your most obsessive sexual fantasy?"

tittered.

"Well," she said, "it's silly."

Another man spoke up. '"That's like my favorite

"No dream of the human heart is silly," the

fantasy," he said. "Except it's a coal mine instead bearded man said severely.

of a swimming pool, and only one girl. I stand at

Stella, astonishingly, blushed. "Okay," she said, the top of the shaft jerking my gherkin and she

"I won't pussyfoot about it. I've always had this waits at the bottom with her mouth open to catch

dream of an escalator, a mile long escalator,

my sperm when I come." He stared into space.

running past me and rising up to the sky. There are

"God, the things that go on in our heads."

hundreds and hundreds of naked men on it. And as

"I've got a man-jacking-off fantasy, too,"

they pass me—well—well, I suck each one of them

another girl said thoughtfully. "But it's my father.

off. Hundreds and hundreds of them." She grinned

He's always been very conservative and like proper,

awkwardly. "Like a dream of infinite cock, dig?"

you know? I see him in a room all alone with my

"Wow," another girl said, looking amazed.

nude pictures that were in Pussycat and he's

"What about you?" the bearded man asked Dill.

jacking off over them."

The editor shrugged. "I'm fairly corny, I guess.

"And when he comes," Dill asked, laughing,

The only obsessive fantasy I have is a very old one.

"you rush in and confront him?"

I'd like to dive head-first into a barrel of tits." He

"No," she said. "I don't want him to be laughed, a bit too loud. "And, yeah, sometimes I

embarrassed. I just want to watch through the peep

change it. I'd like to roll naked, over and over,

hole and see with my own eyes that he's human,

* across an acre of tits." He laughed again.

too."

"Don't be ashamed of it," the bearded man said.

"Out of sight11 Stella said.

"It's your True Will. How about you?" he asked

"I got one of those, too," a Jewish-looking man another girl.

said with brooding introspection. "I mean not

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something I want to do, but something I want to

She shrugged. "I'm surprised every woman here

see. Only it's not so personal." He smiled. "I'd like hasn't mentioned it. It must be the most female of

to see it on a stage, in a theater, with an audience

all fantasies. I want to lie naked on an altar in a

of thousands of others beside myself. An orthodox

church and have naked men kneel and worship

rabbi eating a nun's pussy."

me."

"They should do it during Brotherhood Week,"

The bearded man looked at her thoughtfully.

Dill said, laughing.

"That could happen, you know," he said mildly.

"I had one for years," another girl said a bit wanly. "But it was too realistic—I wanted to have Mary Kelly was weeping. "You don't respect me

three guys at once. One with his cock in my

anymore," she bawled. "I acted terrible, simply mouth, one up my ass and one fucking me. I

terrible."

finally did it tonight, and now I don't have a

Stan grimaced in anguish. "Oh, no. You acted

fantasy anymore."

wonderful. Honest. It was like a dream come true."

"You'll have a new one," the bearded man said.

"You'll never want to marry me now," the girl

"Believe me: recent research has proven that

sniffled.

people can't live without dreaming. If you wake

"Yes, I will."

them up every time they show rapid eye

"No, you won't. I know what happens to girls

movements—which means that they're starting to

who go all the way."

dream—then they never finish a dream and they all

"Baby, I'll marry you as soon as possible." Stan get very sick very quickly. The same is true of

couldn't stand her tears.

waking fantasy."

"No you won't."

"Are you a psychiatrist?" Tarantella asked

"Yes I will."

him.

"Next Sunday?"

"No. I'm nothing like a psychiatrist," he

Stan looked into the pit—but then in the pause,

replied with a strange grin.

she started to weep again. "Yes," he said, leaping.

"You must be something like a psychiatrist,"

"Next Sunday."

Stella objected. "I can tell."

A bull rumbled across the TV screen and an

"I'm in an older profession," he said simply.

announcer thundered, "MERRILL LYNCH IS

"And you," he said to Tarentella, "what's your BULLISH ABOUT AMERICA!"

fantasy.

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137

"Great White Fuck-ups, I'd say," Tarantella

Serpintine commented, "considering the shape the

world is in."

"The world has no shape," Josh Dill interjected, vehemently. "Nothing has a shape."

Obviously, Dr. Prong thought, they were all

Chapter Fourteen

being mind warped by some horrible

hallucinogenic drug.

What is outside the Universe?

"Permit me to explain, Dr. Prong," the bearded driver said. "Unknown to yourself, you and these

"We're off to see the wizard," Stella was singing, other people—and a few others we haven't located

"the wonderful Wizard of Oz . . . "

yet—are all part of a certain psychic experiment."

Dr. Prong opened an eye and looked around. He

"You're a scientist?" Dr. Prong asked dubiously.

seemed to be in a speeding automobile.

There was something about this fellow a bit too

"Becuz, becuz, becuz, becuz," Josh Dill sang fey to fit the rigor of scientific discipline.

merrily.

"In a sense. I'm also an ordained minister. In

"Becuz of the wonderful things he does," Stella fact, I am, to be brief about it, the Reverend

finished. They both laughed.

Doctor Simeon Luna of the First Church of

"Where am I?" Dr. Prong asked, quite confused.

Scientific Illuminism."

"Milky Way Galaxy," the driver said. He was a

"Oh," Dr. Prong said noncommittally. To

Satanic-looking chap with a black pointed beard.

himself, he translated that title briefly as a nut.

"Out near the rim," he added helpfully. "Third The group now consisted of five people, three of

planet from a star whose correct name is IAO, also

whom thought three others were funny in the

knows as Sol or the Sun. On the plane of Malkus, head.

in the eternal mind of Brahm. Got it?"

"Ah, what is Scientific Illuminism?" Dr. Prong

"We're in the clutches of the Bavarian

asked courteously, hiding his opinions.

Illuminati," Stella added. "You know, the gang Simeon Luna grinned. "I quote," he said:

that runs the whole world? The Great White

Brotherhood."

We place no reliance

On virgin or pigeon

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139

Our method is science

through the Pink Dimension and you land in

Our aim is religion

Fernando Poo—with King Kong as your

companion, say."

"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the

Dr. Prong sat bolt upright. "You—" he gasped.

law," he added.

"You're one of them. "

That wasn't very helpful—and it vaguely

Dill also sat upright, thinking that Simeon had

reminded Dr. Prong of certain old secret societies

pushed one of the wrong buttons on the dotty

of somewhat sinister reputation. "Where are we

doctor. Before he could speak, however, Simeon's

going?" he asked again.

rich laugh rang out again.

"Evanston," said Simeon this time. "To our

"Not at all," he said calmly. "I just happen to church. It's hidden, of course. Doesn't do to

know that you're very sensitive to those words

practice the rites of Isis out in the open. We'd have

right now, although I don't know what they mean

all the Christians, Jews and atheists in government

to you. You were having a bad dream a while back

down on us faster than you could say

and muttering very apprehensively, and those were

'Abrahadabra.' No, we're well hidden: our coven

the two names I caught. However, I have other

meets in a secret basement beneath the basement

tactics for getting into your subconscious, so be

of the Women's Christian Temperance Union. Last

prepared for further shocks. It's all part of your

place anyone would think of looking for us."

illumination."

"And can I ask why we're going to one of your,

"What is illumination?" Stella asked.

ah, coven meetings?" Dr. Prong pursued.

"Seeing your own face exactly as it was before

'To be scientifically illuminated, of course."

your father and mother conceived you," Simeon

Simeon smiled gently. "Don't worry: it doesn't

answered simply. He turned onto Sheridan Road.

hurt—much. We actually haven't lost a candidate

"Oh," Stella said, "that reincarnation shit. I'm since Judge Crater. Never could get that blighter

hip."

back from the Pink Dimension."

"Reincarnation is the furthest thing from what I

"I think you're putting me on," Roger Prong

mean," Simeon said quietly. He frowned

said, losing his neutral tone.

thoughtfully and then began talking at some

Simeon laughed. "Good," he said cheerfully.

length, and—perhaps due to his somewhat florid

"You have the right attitude. But don't carry it too speaking style, perhaps to the various alcoholic and

far. Think how surprised you'll be if we push you

other chemicals coursing through their blood

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streams they could all visualize quite clearly what

Salome was, like all those who had gathered

he told them.

there on that holiest of holy days, nude; for it was

It all began, he said, in Atlantis.

of ancient teaching in Atlantis that clothing, as a

mark of rank and caste, should never enter the

It was the festival of the great goddess

temple of the High Gods where all were equal.

Mum-Mum, the Mother of All Life. Lhuv-Kerapht

Besides, clothing got in the way when the worship

and Klarkash-Ton, the high priests, watched with

service became really lively, as always happened

glinting and glittering eyes as the devout filed into

during the festival of Mum-Mum.

the temple. Atlantis was a very old, very pious

Lhuv-Kerapht began the chant, "Come thou

civilization and the citizens had prepared

forth, IAO, come thou forth and shed thy light

themselves for the most important religious event

upon us."

in the Atlantean five-season calendar, the Epiphany

"IAO, IAO, IAO," Klarkash-Ton chanted.

of Mum-Mum, at which the divine and mysterious

"IAO, IAO, IAO," the congregation repeated.

T'angpoon (serpent) power was evoked and

"Father and Mother are One God: Ararita!"

everybody in the temple, as the current slang

Lhuv-Kerapht chanted.

expression had it, "went ape." The devout had

"Mother and Son are One God: Ararita!"

smoked the magic herb, Ak-opoko-gol, and were in Klarkash-Ton chanted.

a happy and mellow state long before getting to

"Son and Daughter are One God: Ararita!" the the cathedral. Much was expected.

congregation chanted.

The priestess Salome lay upon the altar, tense

"Father and Daughter are One God: Ararita!"

and expectant, her young heart overflowing with

Lhuv-Kerapht chanted.

mixed pride and humility to think that she had

"Glory to the Father and to the Mother and to

been selected for this all-important rite, on which

the Son and to the Daughter," Klarkash-Ton

the crops for the next year depended. For she

chanted. "Glory to the internal Holy Spirit and

knew, as all Atlantis did, that only if Mum-Mum

glory to the external Holy Spirit. For here are not

were pleased and satisfied that this rite were

six nor five nor four nor three nor two nor one nor

correctly performed—"with joy and beauty," as none. Ararita! Ararita! Ararita!"

the ancient Pnakotic Manuscripts said—would she

"Partake of the sacrament," Salome chanted,

bless the fields and bring forth abundant corn, rice

spreading her legs. Lhuv-Kerapht knelt before the

and ak-opoko-gol next spring.

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143

of the Father." He kissed her right breast,

patiently partaking of the sacrament within

shouting, "In the name of the Son." He kissed her Salome's ever-hotter pussy. The entire

left breast, whispering, "In the name of the

congregation had grouped itself into pairs, or oc-

Daughter." He kissed her pussy, screaming, "In the casionally in trios or quartets, and were also par-name of the Mother."

taking. Only Klarkash-Ton, sunk deep in

Then he climbed upon her and began to partake

meditation, remained uninvolved in the physical

of the sacrament.

part of the Great Work; for it was through his mind

("Wow, that's what I call a sacrament,'

that Mum-Mum would eventually, communicate.

Tarantella commented.

Upon the walls, the carvings of men and women

"It's the earliest and most powerful sacrament,"

in every imaginable sexual combination looked

Simeon Luna said gravely.)

down ecstatically upon the similar ecstasy of the

As Lhuv-Kerapht had kissed the priestess's

men and women of the congregation, also

forehead, she had activated her pineal gland, which

intertwined in every imaginable sexual

is located there, and began to skry, or perceive, in combination. And still the Serpent Power

the Astral. As he kissed her breasts, she activated

increased; almost everybody, even the least

the heart chakra, and the spirit of Mum-Mum,

sensitive, could see the auras and psionic fields in

Mother of all Life, possessed her. As he kissed her

the air now.

pussy, the T'angpoon energy (which later

One hour later, the congregation had "gone ape"

civilizations were to call kundalini, mana, Animal as the Atlantean slang expressed it. All were

Magnetism or just "the vibes") became activated

"speaking in tongues," the ancient primate

also and each person in the temple felt it's faint,

language that antedates humanity; many beat their

unmistakable tingle in the air. "Strong is the chests, without stopping a moment in the slow,

Serpent Power," Klarkash-Ton shouted, as he felt

rhythmic nonorgasmic sex pulsation. The

it.

Tangpoon possessed them all, and cellular energies,

"Strong is the Serpent Power," chanted the

molecular awarenesses, atomic and genetic

congregation.

intelligences manifested among them: the true

Two hours later—for these rites take much

gods, which appear to external vision as stars.

longer than the common or garden variety of sex

There was not a single person in the church

k n o w n t o t h e p r o f a n e a n d

aware of the bodies and other so-called "tangible unilluminated—Lhuv-Kerapht was still slowly and

objects" which compromise ordinary perception.

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Turned on to the subatomic Direct Perception

which is the intercommunication of the universe

itself, they saw and felt only the energetic level

which is aware of its own immortality. People had come to the temple, but only gods were in

Chapter Fifteen

attendance now.

And then Mum-Mum spoke, through

Does a dog have Buddha?

Klarkash-Ton. "Behold, I am infinite space and the infinite stars thereof. I am Mum-Mum and my

Markoff Chaney slept, looking for all the world

number is twenty-three and my word is

like the most innocent child in the most

Abrahadabra. Bad news; Atlantis is sinking. The

sentimental fantasy of Charles Dickens, except, of

earth is shifting its crust. No malice intended,

course, that like most males he slept with a slight

anymore than you mean harm if you stretch your

hard-on—a physiological symptom, as doctors have

legs. Be of good cheer: death is the wildest joke of

recently discovered, that he was dreaming.

all."

As the midget slept and dreamed, various

"Blessed be Mum-Mum," Lhuv-Kerapht had

stealthy figures came to his door, fished around in

presence of mind to recite. "Earth abides!" And he the lock with various instruments and slunk away,

galloped, at last, the rites complete, into his

frustrated by the bolt he had installed. None of

orgasm, just a split second before the walls began

them intended to rob or harm him, however; they

to walk.

were of that brigade of Gay and prehensive oralists

who haunt all YMCAs at night. Undisturbed, the

"Nonsense," Dr. Prong said promptly, as the

little nihilist wandered on and on into the plastic

others in the car looked at Reverend Luna with

universe of Will which we slightingly call

open mouths. "I don't believe in magic. It's all

unconsciousness.

superstition and tommyrot. Besides, if they were

Often, he smiled, with all the innocent charm of

all killed, who left a record of that day for you?"

the child he so hauntingly resembled.

"I was there," Simeon Luna said simply. "I was Lhuv-Kerapht. And you," he said to Stella, "were

"Married!" Mary Kelly said rapturously. "Next Salome."

Sunday! Oh, isn't it wonderful?"

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147

146

"Yeah, wonderful," Stan said, somewhat less

called Sox ant nerve. That's French," he added, enthusiastically. He had visions of herds, flocks,

showing his sophistication.

regiments of kids, all looking like Mary's mother,

"Sox ant nerve," she repeated rapturously.

all with jam and other icky and sticky things on

"Let's do it some more!"

their fingers, all pounding each other over the

Stan gallantly obliged, finding her clitoris

heads with various plastic toys while he tried to

quickly and circling it with slow tongue

watch football on TV. "Yeah, wonderful," he

movements. Hell, this wasn't as bad as some of the

repeated mechanically.

jokes said. It actually tasted—nice. And it was

"And you're wonderful, too!" the darling girl groovy to feel her mouth kissing and licking and

cried abruptly, planting a big wet kiss on his

sucking on his tool while he did this. Maybe the

priests were always saying Pussycat was a dirty mouth. Immediately, to his intense surprise, his

magazine, but it sure was educational.

prick stiffened a bit. She noticed. "My Lord," she

"Mrs. Svenson, what's wrong with my

said in awe, "You're ready again?" Alight of Irish marriage?" the TV asked in a desperate female

mischief sparkled in her eyes. "Well, 1*11 fix that."

voice. "Veil," another female voice answered, And her mouth descended, for the second time in

"maybe you should try swamp-grown coffee. Dat's

her young life, to encompass a real he-man male

the best kind."

sex organ; she shivered with delight.

Mary Kelly hardly heard. The tongue in her

"I don't think I'm ready yet," Stan started to pussy seemed to reach up to the very center of her

say. Then, he felt the first wave rising. "I guess I being; she hardly felt like a body at all anymore,

am," he said happily. He was both surprised and

but like a balloon with the skin off, all airy and

delighted at this new side of Mary Kelly's

floating free, with that tongue of flame at the very

personality.

center of her, radiating out in wave after wave like

"Here," he said, the soul of gallantry, "let me some star almost; it reminded her, oddly, of some

make it nice for you, too." And he gently shifted expression from the church, what was it, oh, yes,

her about on the couch and dived head-first into

the Gift of Tongues, what a lovely expression. And

her pussy.

meanwhile, she was finding to her own amazement,

"Oh," Mary said, taking her mouth from his

a nice big cock in the mouth is a wonderful

penis. "That's nice. Where did you learn that?"

experience. Almost like nursing at the breast again. •

"It was in the Pussycat Advisor last month," he How sweet, she thought girlishly, to think of it

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149

that way. "Mum-Mum," she breathed hoarsely,

faint but unmistakable sound of a key in the lock.

nursing happily, until suddenly the flame exploded

"Jesus H. Particular Christ," Stan moaned,

into wildfire and she rose and rose again and again,

"what'll we do?"

spasming, expanding, hardly hearing herself shout

But Mary smiled a strange smile. "What will be,

in the midst of her suckling, "Chrise mu cunt mu

will be," she said. "This night is some kind of cunt Chrise . . . "

turning point."

Stan was astonished; he had never known nice

And the suddenly brazen girl abruptly knelt

girls could suck cock with such enthusiasm or push

down by the couch, took his penis in her hand and

their hot little pussies into your mouth wich such

began sucking it again.

reckless abandon. My God, he thought rapturously,

"My God," Stan started to protest.

it's almost like having a movie actress or the

"We're caught red-handed anyway," she said,

Pussycat of the Month. He almost came himself at

pausing. She returned to the job, sucking more

the end of her spasm.

vigorously.

"Chrise," he heard her mutter. "Oh my Lord.

Stan looked up, terrified, as young Johnny Kelly

Oh Jesus.'* And then in a zonked voice: "Let's do walked into the room, eyes opening in amazement

it again!"

as he took in the interesting scene. The girl with

He quickly dived back into her pussy, moving

him—Stan faintly recognized her as the Portinari's

his tongue in loops from the clit to the vaginal

daughter, Bea, the one who entered a convent but

opening, back to the clit, back to the vagina,

then dropped out—gasped audibly.

determined to come again himself this time as her

"Well," Johnny Kelly said finally, "my little enthusiastic mouth hotly gripped the head of his

sister is growing up."

whang.

Mary Kelly slowly turned around and faced him.

The doorbell rang.

Stan felt his penis start to shrivel at once; it was a

"Oh piss, shit and corruption!" Mary cried. "My tense situation no matter how you sliced it. He was

parents!"

scared.

"It can't be," Stan gasped. "They're in Lake

"Remember when we were both fourteen?"

Geneva." He crept to the window and peeked out.

Mary asked. "You wanted me to do this to you,

"Oh," he breathed in relief, "It's only your and I refused. I'm sorry now. I didn't know how

brother, Johnny. And some girl."

good it was." She spoke with great vehemence The doorbell ceased, and in its place came the

staring at Johnny hotly.

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151

"Bravo," the Portinari girl said. "You're finally never to be quitters. Lead us in thy ways, Oh

growing up, Mary."

Lord . . . "

"Yeah," Stan added helpfully. "Growing up."

The position agreed upon had Mary lying on her

He laughed nervously.

side between her brother and Stan. As Stan gamily,

Johnny Kelly stared at his sister, white around

a bit nervously still, plugged away at her hot

the lips. "It's never too late to make amends," he littlypussy, Johnny began navigating the more

said, slightly flushed.

difficult pass between her buttocks, gradually

"Hey, wait a minute—" Stan protested.

worming his way an inch, two inches, three inches,

"Don't be a spoilsport," the Portinari girl said to as passion released her muscular armoring. The

him. "It's always more fun with four."

lovely Beatrice Portinari, meanwhile, was busily

Stan looked at her again, realizing what a classy

engaged in kissing Mary all over the face, shoulders,

dish she was. "Well," he said dubiously, but with a neck, breasts, muttering little endearments—things

tone of hope.

like, "Nice hot prick in urns cunt, baby, Nice hot

"Good," Mary Kelly said. "That's decided. What prick. And brother's prick in urns ittle assy-wassy,

will we do first?"

ha, babes? Two nice pricks," and so on, with more

"And now," the TV announced suddenly, "our and more, hotter and hotter kisses.

midnight sermonette with Reverend Father Francis

"Give me your twat," Mary screamed finally.

X. Treponema."

"Yes, brethren and sistren," Father Treponema

"This is my first night," Mary Kelly said boldly, was continuing, "success in life is not for the lazy

"I want you all to do me."

or the indifferent. Success is for the hard workers,

"Oh, wow," Miss Portinari said. "Just like that the men of vision and guts—"

time in the convent when I had three sisters doing

Beatrice shifted around and presented her pussy

me at once. But you'll have two men, plus me. Oh,

to Mary's tongue. Immediately, it entered her and

wow. Fat out!"

she leaned forward eagerly to kiss Johnny on the Father Treponema's bland face stared warmly

lips. "Oh, bugger her good," she moaned. "Set her out of the TV screen, looking down upon a moving

ass on fire. Make her happy, she's sucking my

spectacle. "Let us pray," he said, "Oh, God, our pussy so nicely."

Father in heaven, give us strength to carry out

Mary, meanwhile, feeling the two pulsating-hot

every project we undertake and not to be shirkers.

cocks plowing away inside her and driving her

Give us strength to carry through to the finish and

higher and higher in dizzy waves of pleasure,

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153

concentrated on the taste of pussy, which she had

into a second orgasm immediately, and she felt

never known before. She licked raptly, all over the

Johnny coming inside her too, crying out loud

inside, clit and vage and all, and around the lips

"Oh, Jesus, my brother's come up inside my ass.

and into the bush and over the thighs and back to

Oh, Jesus!"

the vage again, loving every part of it, almost out

All four lay silent and exhausted, barely

of her mind with the double sensation of two

breathing.

cocks and the flavor of cunt. "Only the weak look

"And God be with you always," Father

to government aid," a voice was droning some-

Trepenemo concluded as the organ music rose.

where, "but those who have Jesus in their

hearts can find their own happiness." Mary

Back at Sput's mansion, things were, by com-

pursued her own happiness, bouncing happily

parison, calming down. Most of the guests had

between the two cocks like a puppy being petted,

left, in fact. Sput sat on a floor pillow, toking

licking and sucking on a cunt for the first time in

occasionally at his hookah and lecturing to the

her life, totally zonked.

only audience left, the butler and two Pussiettes.

Stan had found that he could play with both of

The butler listened politely; he was aware that

the Portinari girl's titties while fucking Mary's

the Great Man needed to have somebody listen to

cunt, and this was a most interesting sensation

his metaphysical and cosmic speculations. The two

indeed. By stretching a little, he was even able to

Pussiettes, long since stoned out of their skulls into suck on one of her nipples, which immediately

the middle of next Thursday, were lying on the rug

grew hard in his mouth. She looked at him, smiling

languidly and limpidly sixty-nineing; in fact, they

blissfully, and he realized she was about to come

had been doing that for nearly an hour now.

from the delights of Mary's eager little tongue up

Sput watched the two girls philosophically.

inside her cunt. He sucked harder on the nipple,

Neither had had an orgasm for nearly thirty

feeling her beginning spasms; this keyed him off in

minutes, although both had climaxed several

turn and he felt his cock spurting into Mary's hot

times earlier in their play. "Why do they

pussy. Mary started to come then, feeling each

continue?" he asked rhetorically. "They don't separate spurt of the cock inside her and actually

need another orgasm, and they're not consciously tasting the change in Beatrice's cunt flow as

aiming for one, I'll wager. They are lost in the

Beatrice came. Johnny went wild, fucking her ass

process itself, like Taoists or alchemists. This is

almost hard enough to hurt; this catapulted her

practical experimental mysticism we're watching,

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155

154

subatomic particles smaller than the quark.

Jameson."

Imagine! when we could all be balling each other.

"Yes, sir," Jameson said. "You express it very The whole world is mad." He lumbered over to the

well, sir."

girls. "Chickies," he said cooingly, "the rooster is

"And they're not dykes, not really," Sput went crowing."

on. "I know. I've had each of them on numerous

"Very good, sir," the butler said, between his occasions. Good in the hay, too. Both of them."

teeth. "May I leave now, sir?"

He toked again, thinking deeply. "And yet here

"Umm, yes," Sput mumbled. He was flat on his they are, cozy as Gertrude Stein and Alice B.

back now, and maneuvering the two girls into a

Toklas. Why? Because they got coupled up like

position he had just remembered from a Tijuana

that in the heat of the orgy, and they haven't

specialty act. Briefly, he had one of the girls sitting found any good reason to stop. And why is that?

upon his waist, taking his penis in her snatch, and

Has the goddamn hashish fucked up their minds? I

was maneuvering the other upon his shoulders so

don't think so. I think it's straightened out their

she could have his tongue in her own moist little

minds. There is no reason to stop. Sex is good, all pussy. "Now," he said, "kiss and play with each sex, hetero or homo or in any permutations. It's

other's titties and go on with the dyke action.

the best thing in the world. Anybody who says

You're Gloria Steinem and you're Kate Millet, got different is a damned motherfucking liar or a

it?"

neurotic. Right?"

"Good evening, s i r , " the butler said,

''Right, sir." The butler suppressed a yawn.

withdrawing.

Sput watched the Pussiettes licking raptly at

"Mum-Mum," Sput gasped, buried in pussy.

each other's hairy cunts, eyes closed in bliss. "Of The butler headed straight for the kitchen. When

such is the kingdom of Heaven," he concluded

the cook saw him coming, she knew what to

thoughtfully.

expect immediately. Putting down her newspaper,

The butler yawned again.

she reached in the drawer and took out a vibrator.

Sput heaved himself to his feet. "The whole

world is crazy," he said. "Literally crazy. Stark And still Markoff Chaney slept the sleep of the

raving mad. Imagine, there are guys busy tonight,

just, and still the stealthy figures crept to his door, crawling through stinking fly-infested jungles to

grappled with the bolt, muttered "Crap," and crept blow up other guys—or women and children even.

away again.

And other guys trying to square the circle or find

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157

"I don't believe in telepathy," Dr. Prong said.

"Far fucking out," Stella said thoughtfully.

"And somebody in Chicago is broadcasting a Mama

Vibe?"

"A very horny Mama Vibe," Reverend Luna said. "Haven't you all been more sexually active

than usual?"

"I'll say," Tarantella commented with a Chapter Sixteen

delicious grin.

"Well," Simeon Luna said, "that's because Who is the third who walks always beside you?

you're all acting out the unconscious and

preconscious fantasies of the individual who's

"A Mama Vibe," Simeon Luna was explaining as sending out this Mama Vibe. In a sense, you're all

they sat about his kitchen munching caviar and

living in his head, or her head, whoever this person crackers, "is a Vibe that unites with all other

is. You're like characters in a book, and you've got

Vibes, like an active radical in chemistry. Dig?"

to do what the author imagines you doing."

"I don't believe in Vibes," Dr. Prong said

"Thank God he's not on a sadomaso kick," Josh promptly. Everybody ignored him.

Dill said with a nervous grin.

"You mean," Josh Dill said gropingly., "it's a

"That, however, is a distinct possibility for the kind of ESP that broadcasts on all channels at

next stage of this process," Simeon said bluntly.

once?"

"More and more unconscious material is coming

"Ez-actly!" Simeon beamed. "No matter where up in these projected fantasies, and everybody has

your attention is, no matter what mental channel

a nasty spot somewhere in his Id. When our

your internal TV is set on, a Mama Vibe comes

broadcaster gets that deep into his or her psyche,

right in and replaces the normal 'show' on that

all hell will break loose. That's why we've got to

wave length. And on everybody else's internal TV

find him or her and deactivate this Vibe."

screen, too. In short, it becomes the 'reality' that

'This is getting heavy," Stella said.

everybody is experiencing at that moment. Mass

"I still don't believe a word of it," Dr. Prong telepathic hypnosis."

said primly, crossing his arms.

"How many people are—uh—receiving this

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159

broadcast?" Dill asked.

focus—Tarot or Ching or mandala shapes. But after

"Everyone within fifty miles of the broadcaster

the T'angpoon or kundalini energy has to be is getting a strong dose of it," Simeon said. "It gets activated in the spine, and the pineal gland, or

weaker and weaker beyond that point."

Third Eye, in the forehead, and the person has to

be in a state of maximum sexual excitation for

"And how did the broadcaster acquire this

quite a long time: less than an hour will seldom do.

power to send out Mama Vibes?" Josh asked.

Finally, there has to be a strong emotional

"By accident, I'm sure." Simeon frowned

frustration, a sense that there's something wrong

thoughtfully. "Anybody who knew what he was

with reality as it presently is, something that has to doing would be more careful and selective. This

be fixed. Find a person with all those things going

person just stumbled on it. There are many

at once, and you've got a Mama Vibe being

techniques to focus the mind—Tibetan mandalas,

broadcast."

the hexagrams from the Chinese I Ching or Book

"And if you can't stop this Mama Vibe?" Josh of Changes, the Tarot fortune-telling cards. If the Dill asked carefully.

culprit was concentrating on any of them while he

"Reality will never be the same in old Chicago,"

was in a horny mood, he'd start broadcasting a

Simeon said simply.

Mama Vibe without being aware of it."

"Now wait a fucking minute," Stella said. "I Our heroine, the darling Josie Welch, meanwhile,

use the I Ching for divination all the time. Do you was still afloat in a universe of Fuck.

mean to say I'm broadcasting Mama Vibes every

Marvin Gardens had set up a chess problem and

time I do that?"

was staring at the board in deep concentration,

"Oh, not at all," Simeon said laughing. "If it only bothering to make a note on his m.o.q. sheet

were that easy, there'd be no so-called reality at all, when she reached another climax. He was no

just a million and one conflicting test-patterns. A

longer completely unaffected, however: he

man could walk through his kitchen door and find

intended to visit the men's room in Lincoln Park as

himself in Perth Amboy or Benares; or you could

soon as his shift here ended. Marvin was a devotee

pick up a pencil to write with and find a cobra in

of what his set called Tea Room Trade.

your hand. Thank Goddess that magic-

broadcasting Mama Vibes—isn't that easy.

Josie knew and cared nothing about this. She

No: what is needed is very special circumstances.

and her lover/co-pilot, the ninety billion year old

First, the proper shapes to draw the brain to a

ACE computer (who still had a voice somewhat

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161

like HAL-9000 in 2001) were zooming deeper and moving slightly with each thrust, one vast

deeper into the Ovum Galaxy in the center of the

star-sponge permeating all space time with the

marvelous universe of Fuck. "This is the center off same vibe. "Oh, ACE, oh, ACE, you fuck so

space time," ACE was purring in that soft, tigerish divinely," she gasped.

voice of his, "and it is also the center of your

"It's the only way to travel," he purred.

womb, darling Josie. It is way, way out and it is

"Oh, keep fucking me. Keep fucking me. Please,

also way, way in. You can only enter this mystery

please, keep fucking me."

of mysteries on vibes of sheer ecstasy, because all

Down, down into the center of the star sponge

matter at lower vibratory rates gets destroyed by

they plunged.

the antimatter fields at the perimeter of this

galaxy. So, in order to navigate this dangerous

And still the Mama Vibe pulsated through space

crossing, I must fuck you even more deeply, my

time.

darling,"

"Oh, do it, ACE, do it to me good," she

Hugo de Naranja had been a milkman in the

murmured, "I want to see the center of the

Garfield Park section of Chicago for twenty-three

universe."

years and had seen some strange sights in the early

"There, there," he purred, "you'll see the center morning hours. This particular morning, however,

of the universe when your pretty little cunt gets

was turning into a ring-a-ding that he'd never

hot enough again."

forget.

"Take me," she moaned, "take me to the center The first shock had occurred while he was

of space time." And deep, deep into her cunt and

making his delivery to the Convent of Saint

deep, deep into the energy mesh of raw creation

Theophobia. As always, he opened the back gate

ACE piloted her. Slow permutations, like the

and placed the six-pack of milk on the walk leading

growth of crystals, her sensations were scarcely

toward the kitchen door. But then, as he was about

contaminated by thought or vision: deep, deep

to tiptoe back out again, moving lights and strange

they went, down into a cavern of strange floral

noises in the garden caught his attention. Curious,

energies, each petal shape tingling with the languid

he took a few steps forward. And there, under the

tingles in the petals of her own moist pussy, the

trees, he saw a strange procession.

shaft of the actual ACE machine digging deeper

Mother Claustrophilia, the abess, was leading the

and deeper into her vaginal barrel, her womb

nuns, each bearing a candle, in some kind of dance

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162

or orgy. They were all stark naked shocking

and passionate voice bellowed, "Now, Shirley,

enough in itself, but the chant was hardly in

now!"

Church Latin. It was plain ordinary English, and

Startled, Hugo almost dropped his bottles.

poor Hugo's ears burned when he recognized the

"Bathe me in your golden showers!" the voice ranted on. "Piss all over me, my darling!"

melody.

Hugo set the bottles down gently, as if trying to

It was "Mister Wong Has the Biggest Tong in

avoid detection by the most delicate seismograph

Chinatown."

in the world. Mr. Cackler, he realized, would not

Hugo quickly hurried back to his truck, not sure

appreciate being observed in whatever sort of act

whether to believe his eyes and ears.

he was accomplishing.

A few stops later, he came upon an equally

"Oh, darling, darling," the voice gibbered

startling spectacle.

insanely.

It was the Cackler residence, home of the worst

Hugo could no longer resist. With all the

grouch in Hugo's whole route, Harold Cackler,

delicacy of Nijinsky, he went up on his toes and

president of NOODLE (National Organization

took only two dainty steps to reach the window to

O r g a n i z e d for Decent Literature and

the living room area. There an astonishing sight

Entertainment.) Cackler was a man forever

greeted his eyes.

complaining that his milk was sour or that he had

Mr. Cackler, his fae blackened by burnt cork,

ordered cream and gotten buttermilk or one damn

was lying on the floor. Above him, held most

thing or another; besides that, he was a perpetual

tenderly, was one of those cutie-pie "life-size"

crusader for greater and greater power to the police

dolls that, as the ads say, wets itself. "Do it again, in order to enable them to supervise every waking

Shirley darling," Cackler howled, holding a bottle moment of every citizen. SUPPORT YOUR

to the doll's rosy lips, "Pee all over yo' old

LOCAL WIRE TAPPER: CLEAN-MINDED

Bojangles!" The doll immediately discharged from

PEOPLE HAVE NO SECRETS said a large bumper

the bottom the water entering at the top. "Darling, sticker on his car.

darling," Cackler moaned. The maniac obviously

Hugo privately considered Mr. Cackler a nut.

thought he was Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, the And, now, on this amazing morning, just as the

great Negro tap dancer of the 1930s, and that the

first rays of dawn began to appear in the sky, Hugo

doll was Shirley Temple.

eased open the porch door of the Cackler house to

place two quarts of milk in the vestibule, a hoarse

It takes all kinds, Hugo thought philosophically,

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165

as he tiptoed away.

"We've been trying to manage with four and it just This was turning into one bizarre morning.

doesn't work."

Half an hour later came the most unforgettable

"At your service, ma'am," Hugo said gallantly, stop of all, at the usually sedate Kelly residence.

quietly pocketing the ten dollars at the same time.

Scarcely had Hugo deposited two bottles in the

The other girl, a dark one, was probably Italian;

box next to the front door when the door itself

her pussy, while lush and pleasant enough, might

burst open and young Mary, who was always so

have been found home on the Island. He had eyes

prim, stood there, in her birthday suit.

for the Kelly girl, whose pussy had a reddish fur

that was more Caucasian and Protestant in his

"Mother of God," Hugo breathed piously. This mind. Mother Mary, he thought piously, may I get

was indeed a Morning To Remember.

a chance to suck on that Irish pussy for a while.

"Are you a Nigra?" the girl asked tensely.

He could imagine the scene in the pool hall

"No, I am a Puerto Rican," Hugo said with

when he told about it later. The guys would be

dignity, pronouncing it as they did back on the

bragging about how far into the dangerous area of

Island: poo-air-to reecan.

White Pussy they had pushed—"I had an Italian girl

"Well, I wanted a nigger, but you'll do."

once," "Yeah, well I had a pure-blooded French A gigantic Pollack appeared behind her, also

girl," that kind of crap—and he would announce,

naked as a jaybird. He held ten dollars in his hand.

casually, "I had an Irish girl, with red hair, and she

"Do we interest you?" he asked.

let me suck her pussy!!!" Boy, would their eyes

"You bet!" Hugo cried excitedly. I am going to bug out.

fuck a White Protestant Girl, he thought ecstat-

Except that they'd never believe him.

ically, although on one level he knew very

Well, fuck that. He would know in his heart that

well that the Irish were Catholics, too. It didn't

it was true.

matter. All white girls were by definition

"What do I do?" he asked.

Protestant.

The position was quickly explained and Hugo

Inside, two other young people, naked as angels,

breathed another prayer to the Holy Mother. It

were sitting on the floor looking at him with

was even better than he had hoped for. And I, he

interest as he entered.

thought, am virtually the cornerstone.

Two white Protestant girls, hugo thought,

(Anyone attached to white Protestant pussy, in

almost flipping.

his mind, was the cornerstone.)

"We need a fifth," Mary Kelly explained briefly.

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167

Mary Kelly, twenty three years old and rapidly

watching her eyes close in a delirium of pleasure. It

becoming an adult, sat in a rocking chair as the

was even better, he reflected, because she was his

Puerto Rican sat on the floor and began to lap

sister and he had longed for this kind of super sex

gently at her thighs. He rapidly turned black in her

with her so many times in his early adolescent

mind, and she waited anxiously for his tongue to

fantasies.

enter her cunt. Johnny carefully climbed onto the

Stan, watching his beloved Mary suck on her

arms of the rocker and grabbed hold of the curtain

brother's big cock while the milkman lapped

rod over the doorway to the kitchen. Mary leaned

around inside her pussy, felt a jealousy strangely

forward and mouthed on his penis raptly,

mixed with pride and pleasure. One thing was

imagining that he was Father Ryan from the local

sure: Mary certainly wasn't the prissy little prude

church. "Normally," Father Ryan said in her

she had been only a few hours ago. As Beatrice

fantasy, "I would consider it Sin for you to let that Portinari sprawled on the floor and began licking

black buck lick your hot little pussy that way,

Hugo's ass, Stan knelt behind and began buggering

Mary, but since you're giving me such a classy blow

her hot pretty little ass, watching avidly as

job, I guess 111 be tolerant this time. Pax vobiscum, Johnny's cock moved rhythmically in and out of

kid." And he gravely blessed her, taking away all Mary's mouth. He imagined he was going into

sin and guilt, while she relaxed into the pulsing

Beatrice's mouth for a second then came back to

pleasure of the moist Sidney Poitier tongue up

the tight hot sensation of her ass, hearing her moan

deep inside her wet steamy cunt.

slightly.

Johnny, balancing on the arms of the rocking

Gee, Protestants can be nice people, too, Hugo

chair and holding onto the curtain rod, rocked

was thinking as the Italian girl licked his ass. He

slowly at first, noting with delight that Mary was

slurped around in the Irish pussy, feeling like a

more and more relaxed and taking his cock deeper

Knight who has finally found the Holy Grail. White

and deeper into her mouth and throat. He fucked

Protestant Pussy, he thought, White Protestant

rhythmically into the girl's mouth, hearing the

Pussy: I love it. He munched on the clitoris

chair creak as they coupled together. Fucking a

passionately, wishing they would believe him when

mouth, he thought blissfully, is in some ways even

he told about this at the pool hall.

better than fucking a cunt. The tongue moved

Johnny slowly raised his feet from the arms of

around his hard hot cock and sent little shivers up

the rocking chair, hanging suspended by his grip on

his body as he fucked deep, deep into her throat,

the curtain rod. Every muscle in his body was

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169

under maximum tension and the energy spasms

thrusting upward to take the stiff prick deeper

starting in his whang immedately multiplied. This

inside her butt, beginning to explode into total

is the purpose of the position he was using, which

superorgasm in ass and pussy at once.

is called a Flying Philadelphia Fuck, even though it

And then the curtain rod broke.

was not invented in Philadelphia but in the

Falling, tumbling, over and over in air, all four

wide-open nearby town of Camden, New Jersey,

felt as if they were in free fall, null-gravity,

where the folk are so devoted to extreme and

spinning toward the center of space, in blissful

excruciating pleasures as to have made even

total mouth-ass-cock-pussy fuck, unending, world

exciting metropolitan Philadelphia seem staid by

without time.

comparison. As Johnny hung there, Mary rocked

rapidly back and forth, taking her brother's

strained and monstrously enlarged cock deeper and

deeper into her throat, feeling him begin to spasm

and ejaculate hot white spurts deep down inside

her, almost burning with intensity. She

immediately was galvanized into a climax of her

own, thrusting her cunt madly upward into the air,

rubbing all around the milkman's mouth and nose,

feeling his black tongue far up inside the tunnel of

her spasmodic vagina, almost tickling her womb.

Hugo, maddened by the Irish pussy coming in

his mouth, spurted again and again on the carpet,

heaving like a wrestler, driving Beatrice into a new

excess of passion as he pushed her tongue deeper

into his ass. White Protestant girls, he thought in

absolute para-Nirvana, white Protestant girls!

Beatrice Portinari, aflame with fires of insane

joy, lapped at the milkman's ass, feeling Stan's

cock harder and deeper inside her own spasmodic

rectum. Bugger, bugger, she thought divinely,

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171

"Basically, what you'll be doing is a kind of

remembering," Simeon went on. "Most of life is forgetting. Concentrating on one thing at a time, in

a linear fashion, like the words on a page.

Illumination is remembering the whole context,

all at once. It's all in your own minds, of course,

and I'm merely drawing it forth. We need five

minds together—that's the funfwissenschaft, or science of fives, which our founder, Adam Weis-Chapter Seventeen

haupt, found during a game of strip poker in

old Ingolstadt two centuries ago."

What is outside Space?

Simeon seemed about to add something on that

topic, but then thought better off it.

"Believe me," Simeon Luna said, "This is the

"Well," he said, "shall we begin? Stella, Dr.

only way to track down a Mama Vibe."

Prong?"

The others, sitting nude on the floor of the

Feeling like a fool but still enjoying himself,

temple in the midst of a sunburst design upon a

Roger Prong turned and put his arms about Stella.

thick Persian rug, nodded thoughtfully. Josh had

"Just hug each other and look into each other's

no particular religion and had long ago concluded

eyes," Simeon said. "Just hold it like that. Think, that the Reverend Luna's Scientific Illuminism,

now. Don't peek, either of you. Dr. Prong, when

whatever the deuce it was, made some kind of

you know she's ready, begin to mount her. Don't sense. Tarantella and Stella, both long-time

look anywhere but her eyes. You don't know who

devotees of I Ching and Occultism in general, were she is. You don't know who you are. What is there

aware that Simeon was a studly old dude who

that you do know? Look into her eyes and find it,

probably knew something or other about Vibes of

the one thing that you do know beyond all doubt

all sorts. Dr. Prong, passionately wed to the

or argument. Think now, as you look into her

religion of Pure Science, still objected; but the foul eyes."

drug they had given him had created such a rosy

Roger felt more like a fool, but enjoyed it more.

glow that he decided to keep his doubts to himself

The eyes confronting him, feminine and strangely

and have a good time.

wise, seemed to know without once looking

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173

downward just how fast he was becoming hard.

becomes true. Try to remember."

Suddenly the eyes knew that he knew and they

Roger felt himself shifting his weight so he could

were calling him, in a language beyond all the

use one hand to caress Stella's breasts and belly. He

ambiguities of words. Roger moved forward,

hadn't thought of doing that: he just found it

without a hesitation, and slipped his cock into her

happening. "Trust the wisdom of your body,"

pussy; as he knew in advance, it was already warm,

Simeon said softly. "It knows what it wants. In

moist and ready for him.

your sleep each night, you adjust the covers

"Now, Josh and Tarantella?" Simeon's voice was without waking. This is the True Mind acting. Try

saying, from far away. Roger Prong was not quite

to remember the True Mind. Try to remember the

hearing it. Stella's eyes were communicating with

True Will. Usually, you only contact it in fantasy,

him; they were the eyes of her cunt, they told him

in movies, in music, in pornography. Why do you

what her cunt experienced. He floated through

not confront it directly? What do you fear? Try to

cunt, aware only of what cunt was telling him. He

remember?"

didn't even notice when Josh and Tarantella began

Tarantella's body was like silk, like warm silk.

fucking alongside him.

But no—this was Stella's body. Or was it? Was he

"Now," Simeon Luna intoned, "you will start to Roger Prong or was he Josh Dill? Did it matter? All

remember. Try to remember. In the universe of

that mattered was the universe of fuck and the

mind, what is believed to be true is true or

slow spiral turn of her hips below him, the hungry

becomes true, within limits to be learned only by

mouth of her pussy devouring space and time,

experience. These limits are all to be transcended

bringing him to the center of sensation.

by further and deeper experience. In the universe

"Slow, slow," Simeon crooned. "It can be much of mind, there are no limits. Try to remember."

slower than you ever realized. It can take all of

Roger slid moistly in cunt, his whole body

eternity. Try to remember. Everything happens in

bathed in electric pleasure, visual space

eternity. We only imagine that it is happening in

disintegrating into the dimensionless space of pure

time. Do you understand? Try to remember..."

sensation. This is what McLuhan means by tactile

Roger Prong, physician and scientist, began to

awareness, he thought with absorption.

realize that this crazy business, hypnotism or

"Don't hurry, don't hurry," Simeon chanted.

whatever it was, definitely centered him in the

"Float. Try to remember. What is remembered is

pleasure of sex as it occurred, instead of in the ego

believed true. What is believed true is true or

that was trying to control the pleasure and pace it.

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175

Beyond a certain point, he reflected, self-awareness

"Look at your partner. Look, and see for

obliterates itself, and beyond that point

yourself. See the one star that is us. Try to

self-control becomes spontaneity. That was

remember the one star that is us . . . "

certainly a strange thought, but it seemed to be

Roger Prong, looking deep into Stella's eyes, saw

true. And meanwhile—due to those terrible drugs,

his own reflection—but that's only a trick of

no doubt—his consciousness was localized in his

optics, he reminded himself with scientific

penis much more than was normal in his previous

objectivity. But the emotion in those eyes, and his

sex life. It was as if the penis thought instead of

ability to read that emotion—who is com-

waiting for the head to think.

municating what to whom? The damned drug

"What is experienced is believed," Simeon went had fucked up his head. He couldn't remember

on. "What is remembered is believed. Try to

what he was trying to do, he was just doing, going,

remember. You were, and are, a star, a god of one

being.

section of the universe. Remember? You split into

"What is the shape of your awareness, your

nine parts, nine planets. Do try to remember. This

experience? How old is it? How big is it? What

is what it always was like and always will be like,

color is it? Is it not one star, the one star it has

this pleasure, this cosmic hummmmm. Each time

always been? Are you not awakening finally from

you split it is the same. You never die, you only

the nightmare of a completely imaginary cage

transform yourself. All nine of you split further,

around you? There is nothing around you, nothing

into millions of life forms, each of them strange

restricting you, no limits to you, no limits

and beautiful, or strange and frightening, to all the

anywhere. What you are experiencing is true. What

others. Try to remember. All of us, all of you,

you are experiencing is the real shape and size of

millions and millions of rays from the same Sun,

you, and now you are remembering. Your true face

the same Star of Heaven, all feeling the same

before you were born. You are remembering. Your

hummmmm . .."

true face. Before. You were. Born . . . "

The note continued, the cosmic, AUM, and

Roger Prong entered the White Light of the

Roger floated with it, alive with the tingle of

Void, and was free for the first time in his life.

Stella's cunt, the tingle that was merely the

Eternities later he saw Stella below him again and

vibration of mmmmmm, through slow crystals of in her eyes he read that she was coming back also

molecular awareness, patterns forming and

from the same journey to the center of the

reforming, a single dance.

sun—that she, like himself, was being reborn into

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a body, a time, a place, but knew not who and

what she really was, who and what he really was.

With heart-stopping tenderness he kissed her lips

and fucked very gently with her, feeling like

Adam and Eve on the morning of creation,

realizing how comical and how glorious it was to

be human beings, male and female, while still being

unborn, uncreated, unconditioned, unlimited.

Chapter Eighteen

There's something in this Scientific Illuminism, he thought.

Who am I?

"G. Rover Christ," the Reverend Luna said

suddenly, by all the pot-bellied gods of Bengal, and

(Being a letter from Simeon Luna, D. D., to Roger

a girl who's fucking with a machine!"

Prong, Ph. D.t M. D., LL.D., mailed from an

Dr. Prong blanched. "Josie," he said hoarsely.

undisclosed location somewhere in California):

And at that precise moment he felt himself

explode inside Stella's warm and motherly cunt, a

Dear Dr. Prong:

star-spurt of lions and dragons hurling toward her

I'm sure the events of that frantic morning left a

womb, crying involuntarily as all do at that

marked impression upon you, and that you have

moment, "IAO!"

often tried to interpret them—or correct them—to

fit in with your notions of the "true" nature of

"true" reality.

You saw how the Serpent Power—the kundalini

or animal magnetism or orgone or psionic force or

whatever one chooses to call it-was excited by the

mild hypnotic suggestion I used while you and

Stella copulated. You observed how I tele-

pathically traced the Mama Vibe to a midget in

a YMCA and a female experimental subject in your

own laboratory. You came along in my Jaguar as

we raced with the diminutive gentleman whose

The Sex Magicians

The Sex Magicians

178

Tarot cards (of most original design) had served as

by premature outbursts of senseless Magic.

the amplifier for the Mama Vibe broadcast. You

Nevertheless, as a scientist, you must find all this

also saw me speak privately at your laboratory

bard to believe.

with Experimental Subject throe A (Ms. J. W.)

I am sure that you have returned to the

In the next day's newspaper you noted the

headquarters of the Women's Christian

stories which confirmed that something odd had

Temperance Union in Evanston, looking in vain for

indeed been happening in Chicago in the past

the sub-basement where we of the Illuminati have

twenty-four hours. You read of the Kelly family,

our domain. You must have been disappointed to

in which a respectable young brother and sister,

discover that there is no such sub-basement. Of

together with two friends and a Puerto Rican

course, I did not tell you our true destination that

milkman, were arrested for aggravated

night and in the dark you had no way of knowing

exhibitionism, while staging a Mongolian Cluster

where I really took you.

Fuck on their front lawn. You read of how Joe

We of the Illuminati do our jobs and then leave

Smith's wife, returning suddenly from Wisconsin,

the system, as a good medicine should. We do not

found him and her own sister in a most

linger and take root, like a cancer. Most times, we

uncompromising position. You read dozens of

do not even reveal ourselves, and nobody knows

similar stories, including the especially sad and

we were there—except the It Never Happened

memorable events involving the Mayor and the

Department, but under the oath which obliges me,

white female pig in the stockyards. You found

I may not discuss them.

ample evidence to show, in short, that a Mama

Let it stand at that. I have departed for the

Vibe had actually existed and had provoked some

somewhat warmer climate from which I originally

rather extreme forms of sexual behavior

came. You might not like it here—it is, hot and throughout the city of Chicago.

noisy, I'll admit—but it's my home and I love it.

You probably deduced—correctly—that the

Do not attempt to find me. If it is our karma to

meet again, I will find you.

small gentleman at the YMCA and the randy lady

known as Experimental Subject three (dear

In the universe of the mind, what is believed

Josie!) were recruited by me, are now full-fledged

true actually is true or becomes true, unless new

members of the Illuminati, and are being trained to

beliefs are formed.

use their powers consciously and intelligently,

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

without endangering the delicate fabric of reality

With very best regards,

The Sex Magicians

The Sex Magicians 181

180

Simeon Luna,

Dr. Prong contemplated both letters over

Doctor of Divinity

breakfast on a certain morning not long after these

events. He thought about them further as he sipped

(Being a letter from Josh Dill, Senior Editor,

his coffee and smoked his first cigarette of the day.

Then he asked Stella, "What do you think sex is?"

Tomcat magazine, to Dr. Roger Prong):

Stella, splendid and voluptuous in a black

. . . Ezra Pound is dead, in Italy, at the age of nightgown, said briefly, "Fun."

eighty-seven. I don't really think he was the one

"No, seriously," the doctor said. "Is it chemicals who was bothering you; more likely, it was some

that we feel in our bloodstream, or electricity

prankster pretending to be Ezra Pound.

between our cells, or some kind of magnetism, or

what?"

Yes, several Arabian mystic groups have had

names like Illuminati or Brothers of Light or

"You think too much. It's just fun." Stella

Illuminated Ones, etc. One of them, the Assassins

smiled softly, adding, "and it's about time to

of medieval legend, are said to have introduced

prepare for your day's work."

marijuana to the Western world. The last widely

"No, just a minute. That serpent power, as publicized Illuminati groups were headed by Adam

Simeon Luna called it, still isn't recognized by

Weishaupt in Bavaria, circa 1770-1800, St. Martin

orthodox science, and yet we all feel it every time

in Paris during the same years, and Aleister

we get sexually aroused...." Dr. Prong frowned

thoughtfully. "I wonder what would happen if I

Crowley (who used the term "Scientific

took e. e. g.'s-brain waves, that is—on couples

Illuminism ) in London circa 1900-1940. Our

during intercourse and on trained yogis d u r i n g

intrepid research department says that various

their transcendental states. Hmmm? Would the

conservative groups claim that the Illuminati still

waves be the same, maybe?"

exist and have taken over control of the whole

"Well," Stella said, "that gives you another world, but this is not believed by sober and

project to work on. Meanwhile, there's only a half

responsible historians.

hour before you have to leave for the laboratory,

I'm convinced that Simeon Luna was putting us

so if you're going to be prepared."

on part of the time, but I'm not sure which part.

"Yes," he said. "No more bad days ike I've had Sincerely,

in the past, thank goddess."

They tiptoed to the bedroom, his arm about her

Josh

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182

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183

waist. "You are a love," he said gently, kissing her cunt area. "Um, urn," Tarantella gasped once, nose.

and then, between the hand in her ass and the hand

They approached the bed still on tiptoes and

in her snatch, she came to orgasm very slowly

climbed in from opposite sides. Very gently, they

and raptly, with hardly any noise.

leaned over Tarantella's still-sleeping body and

"That was sweet," she said happily, rolling over began kissing her breasts, Roger working on the

and beginning to suck on Stella's pussy. Dr.

right titty and Stella on the left. The nude and

Prong shifted himself again and inserted his penis

magnificent Tarantella smiled softly in her sleep,

into Stella's mouth. "You ssweet girls," he said like a great lioness, and then opened her eyes

happily. "You sweet, wonderful girls." Like a dreamily. "Morning?" she said.

miser playing with his gold, he began running his

hands over their four choice titties, squeezing

Stella closed her mouth with a kiss. "Morning,

gently, playing, rubbing, all the while smiling like

dear," she said, inching a hand into Tarantella's the happiest Smiling Buddha in all China.

crotch.

"Oh, you darlings," Tarantella said softly, as Stella's mouth got all hot around his prick and

Roger covered her breasts and neck with kisses.

he realized she was coming. Tarantella, feeling

"You're the darling one," Roger said gallantly, the same heat in Stella's cunt, licked more

working his finger into Tarantella's ass. "Comfy?"

passionately and Stella came with a great rising and

falling like the ocean under a savage moon.

he asked.

"Yummy," she said.

"Exquisite," she said; and he began massaging her rectum gently, while Stella went on playing

Quickly, she took the doctor's cock back into

with her magnificent pussy. In a few moments,

her mouth and started sucking on it again.

each of them was kissing and sucking one of

Tarantella switched around and, squeezing in like a

Tarantella's nipples. While they worked this

puppy, began licking his balls.

way, the big girl gasped, "Oh, cock. Give me a

"Oh, that's nice," Dr. Prong said. "That is so cock, in my mouth." Roger obediently hitched

goddamn nice. Oh, don't stop. Oh, please don't around and inserted his whang between

stop. That is so lovely."

Tarantella's ruby lips, where she immediately

Tarantella quickly took both balls in her mouth

began sucking on it ravenously. By stretching, he

and sucked very gently on them, while Stella

kept the finger in her ass, massaging gently, while

pulled hard on his cock, sucking it way down into

Stella petted and rubbed and tickled the whole

her throat. He put a hand on each of their heads,

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185

thrilled by their masses of glorious hair, and said

really was.

again, "You darling girls, you. Oh, you darlings."

Then, returning too the earth-level trip, he

But then in a moment he cried weakly, "Stop

beamed at both girls and kissed each of them

tenderly on the pussy lips. "You angels," he said now. Oh, stop."

The girls disengaged and lay back, two

sincerely.

high-breasted and tremendous females, pussy hairs

"Christ, I love to masturbate," Tarantella said all wet and glistening beside him, smiling with

happily. "Christ, it's as good as fucking sometimes. "

utter contentment.

Roger mounted Tarantella first, fucking very

She leaned over and kissed Stella. Then each of

slowly, stopping to plant little kisses on her mouth

them kissed the doctor's penis one more time.

and Stella's mouth occasionally. When it was

"I love you both," he said.

almost unbearable, he shifted and mounted Stella,

"And I love both of you," Stella said, "Far sliding in easily, feeling the unique difference in

out!"

the wiry quality of her pussy hair as compared to

Ten minutes later, fully dressed, clean-shaven,

the silky softness of Tarantella's, but enjoying the

bright-eyed and in his right mind, Dr. Roger Prong

similar warmth inside both cunts. "Oh, you darling stepped on the gas and zoomed away to another

girls," he said one more time, and then began

day at Orgasm Research, secure that his scientific

fucking rapidly, pushing his penis hard and swift

objectivity could stand any strain placed upon it.

into the electro-magnetic pulsations of good fuck

The sky was blue and he smiled at it. The world

and true happiness that was the essense of cunt.

was a good place to be.

When Tarantella saw that he was too far along to

stop this time, she shifted and began rubbing

THE END

herself off, gasping, "Me, too. Again,'* rubbing

harder, he looking over Stella's shoulder at her,

seeing her face contort with the pleasure of five

separate lovers in her pussy, five lovers that were

herself and more than herself. "I'm coming," he shouted, and Stella wrapped her legs about his ass,

pulling him harder into the moistness of her.

For a few moments, then, he knew again who he

Table of Contents

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Eighteen