Believe it or not, a few things are actually worse than nothing! A worthless item that gives one a false sense of confidence puts you at substantial risk. Many people would actually freeze upon being confronted with a rapidly unfolding crisis scenario and discovering that the one thing they were relying upon to protect them had failed. Do not give any of these bogus "defensive measures" a second thought.

1.) STUNGUN: These silly toys consistently fail to perform as advertised. They are only useful for torturing helpless victims, which makes them worthless to everyone but sadists. They are only effective when forcibly held against sensitive areas for 10 seconds or longer, which is nearly impossible to achieve versus a physically superior assailant. Tasers and stun batons are a little more effective, but not much.

2.) DEFECTIVE PEPPERSPRAY: Pepperspray (as well as teargas) canisters are offered by dozens of manufacturers — unfortunately, many of them prove to be of poor quality. Poor quality pepperspray dispensers may fail to function due to jammed buttons, internal misalignments, or other manufacturing defects. Furthermore, canisters could be empty, depressurized, or filled with a weak solution. Be certain that you buy only top quality products, keep the nozzle free of debris (like pocket lint), and discard after the expiration date — don’t trust your life to some imported pepperspray that you found on sale at a convenience store.

3.) HOME FABRICATED SPRAY WEAPONS: Some people advocate putting tabasco sauce, onion juice, or formaldehyde in water pistols and nasal spray dispensers to defend oneself with . . . please do not do this. Such "weapons" are utterly unreliable. They leak, have an extremely limited range, and deliver an inadequate amount of agent.

4.) FAKE GUNS: Some imbeciles actually carry starter pistols, "stage guns," "counterfeit guns," inoperable guns, or even realistic looking toys in hopes of "frightening" a potential mugger or rapist. It is dangerous to bluff when your life is at stake, especially when a bold assailant might be tempted to wrest it away from you, knowing many people have a tendency to hesitate or "freeze up" upon realizing they might actually shoot someone. If an assailant discovers he’s been threatened with a harmless prop, it is likely he’ll become enraged and beat you severely. Furthermore, possession of fake guns is unlawful in many jurisdictions.

5.) HATPINS: A sturdy hatpin can inflict serious injuries if precisely stabbed deep into vital areas; however, wounds caused by such a weapon will not effect an assailant’s ability to fight until much later . . . perhaps hours later. Being stabbed with a hatpin will only serve to enrage an attacker, and they tend to bend or break quite easily. This flimsy "weapon" (as well as similar objects) has imbued many novices with a false sense of confidence.

6.) KEYS PROTRUDING FROM FIST: Many self-defense manuals advocate grasping one’s keys in the fist so that they protrude from between the fingers in a clawlike fashion. In theory, this appears to be a good idea; but in practice, the keys are uncomfortable to hold in such a manner (as well as difficult to get into position quickly) and are unsecured, resulting in their twisting and pivoting upon contact with one’s target. Twisting and pivoting of the unsecured keys can easily lacerate one’s fingers, resulting in possible muscle and nerve damage. One’s keys should never be used in this manner.

7.) NAILFILE: Most metal nailfiles, although having a pointed tip and perhaps even a small handle, are far too flimsy to stab a person without bending or breaking. While it might be unpleasant to be jabbed with one, this flimsy weapon would only be effective versus the eye or throat.

8.) BROKEN BOTTLE: The broken bottle is probably the improvised weapon most often brandished in various action-adventure films, and broken glass is considered to have one of the sharpest edges known to man, so most people reasonably assume that by simply busting off the end of a handy bottle they will instantly be armed. . . unfortunately, this is seldom the case. First, many bottles are extremely difficult to break — you can literally smash a bottle against the edge of a table several times with the only result being a chipped table; Second, the bottle could shatter in your hand, leaving you injured as well as weaponless; Third, you could easily catch a piece of broken glass in one of your eyes, impairing your ability to fight and possibly even resulting in irreparable blindness; and Finally, if you do succeed in breaking the bottle without injuring yourself, chances are that you will only be holding the bottle’s neck with a little bit of jagged glass at the end — a weapon lacking in both range and intimidation value. If the only improvised weapon available to you is a bottle, I’d recommend leaving it intact for use as a bludgeon, possibly smashing against your opponent for maximal damage. The bottles broken on television shows are specially designed to be broken in such a manner — usually by first selecting a specific type of glass bottle and then weakening it with a blowtorch — please do not attempt to replicate the falsehoods seen on television with the expectation that they will work in reality.

9.) IMPROVISED "FLAMETHROWER": Not only has this fantasy weapon been featured in many action-adventure films, but it has also been endorsed by numerous underqualified "self-defense experts." Typically, an aerosol can filled with spray paint, hairspray, or WD-40 is sprayed across an open flame (usually from either a lighter or a burning cigarette), igniting the flammable droplets in an impressive fireball. Anyone touting this foolishness as "effective" is an imbecile. Not only are the droplets consumed instantly (resulting in minimal range and little chance of seriously burning an adversary), but there is a significant risk of the flame entering the cannister and detonating, engulfing the sprayer in flames and peppering him with shrapnel. NEVER ATTEMPT THIS!

10.) WHISTLES AND ALARMS: A determined attacker will immediately snatch this away from you and smash it. It is unlikely to attract help, but is sure to piss off your attacker.

11.) "YUCKY STUFF": "Ewww . . . stay away, or I’ll wipe this on you!" Some emotionally stunted imbeciles seem to think that the threat of having sludge, slime, raw egg, pudding, rotting garbage, or a "dog turd on a stick" dirty the clothes of an attacker will actually make him reconsider targeting them; however, the far more likely result is that the attacker will instead pummel the naive fool into whimpering submission before gleefully force feeding him the substance in question. What worked on the schoolyard bully in 3^rd grade will hardly faze a degenerate crackhead who wallows in squalor. The only things in this category that possess any intimidation value at all are skunk lure and toxic waste.

12.) APPEALING TO HIS BETTER NATURE: Goblins do not have morals, ethics, or mercy — if they spare you a beating, it is because they felt it was not in their best interests to waste their time administering one. Goblins are predators who perceive those weaker than themselves to be nothing more than mealtickets and playthings, and nothing you can say will alter this fact.

13.) ASSERTIVENESS: If you haven’t got anything to back up your cocky attitude, you could easily turn a simple mugging into a serious stomping — and you would probably deserve it. An offended predator will feel compelled to "put you in your place" through whatever means necessary, which will probably result in your being maimed or killed. Predators very much resent being condescended to or threatened by those they perceive as weaker than themselves, and will gladly take the extra time to hurt such a person even when it does not appear to be in their best interest to do so. Don’t pretend to be a "tough guy" if you’re not . . . you’ll be fooling no-one but yourself.